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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"C...

As the world’s population swelled over the past few decades, Santa’s sleigh got heavier and heavier, requiring more reindeer to pull it.

Santa hired two new reindeer as crew, Lee and Franklin.

As part of their new hire training both Lee and Franklin go through a lot of physical training, navigational training, as well as a list of things that is to be packed on the sleigh.

Franklin is going through the list of banned it...

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A hospital administrator, an inspector and a few other important people were touring the local hospital to see how it rated compared with others in the state.

So far they'd been very impressed with the hospital, especially the bedside manner of the staff.

They approached a patient's room, and the curious inspector looked inside. He found a patient jacking off on the bed.

"What the hell is this?" she yelled.

The doctor had a very st...

Why did C swell up

Because it got stung by A B

Why do nurses make bad lovers?

Because they always wait for the swelling to go down.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, she had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 2...

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew.

After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captain's crew and they ship out to sea that very day.

Later that night, the man walks up to the captain and says “I’m sorr...

My brother is in the ER right now because of a bee sting that swelled his head,

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with a shovel.

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The Duck Hunter

A hunter is out in the country one day and waiting for ducks to fly by.

After a while he sees a duck, points his gun and shoots it. The duck falls to the ground onto some farmland nearby. The hunter walks over the the farm and sees a farmer holding the dead duck.

"Hey that's my duck!"...

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A redhead walks into a tattoo show wearing a leather miniskirt and no panties and sits down in the tattoo chair and says, "I want a tattoo of Bon Jovi on the inside of one thigh and Richie Sambora on the other."

Tattoo artist asks, " What on earth for?"
Woman says, "So when I masturbate I can imagine I'm with either one, or both of them and have really intense orgasms!"
Makes sense to the tattoo artist so he dives in and gets to work. A few hours later the tattoo artist tells the woman that he's finis...

How did the wave feel?

Swell

Trump dies and goes to hell.

When he arrives, he is greeted by the devil.

The devil says that there are 3 other people here that have done less bad than Trump, so Trump gets to decide which one goes to heaven so he can take their place.

The devil opens 3 doors, the first door has Richard Nixon in it. Nixon is swim...

Science teacher fail.

Little Johnny is on a field trip with his science class; they're in the woods.
Johnny spies a snake. He asks "Hey teacher, is this snake poisonous"?
The teacher responds "No, that snake is not poisonous".

Johnny catches the snake. He proudly shows it off to his classmates. The snake tur...

My Grandad's joke: Hey, young fella! Want to see something swell?

Hit your thumb with a hammer!

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The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

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A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.

But he fails to gather the adequate proof necessary to blame her.
One day after coming home he sees her wife in bed, stark naked.
"So my suspicion was right! Where is that bastard?" he shouts in anger and swiftly rushes to look for him.
He doesn't find anyone but right when he was about to ...

I'm allergic to peanuts

If I'm even in the same room as Snoopy my face starts to swell up.

Little Timmy and the Outhouse

There was a child on a farm named Timmy. Now Timmy loved growing up on the farm with his family. He enjoyed helping out in the fields, he loved feeding the sheep and cows, and he was always happy to help out in the barn. The one thing Timmy did not like, was having to clean out the outhouse. He abso...

A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.

When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively.
After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "**How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days**?!?"


"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
...

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Chinese prostitute

A guy went to China and while there he met a very exotic woman who he ended up having sex with him. While it was the best sex he ever had, his penis started itching and then started to swell. When he got back to the States, he went to his urologist. By then it was turning purple black and was very ...

Captain Kirk and the crew of the Enterprise encountered an unknown alien craft

However, they proved to be friendly, and soon a dialog was reached. After discussing quite a few differences in culture, they came to reproduction.

One of the aliens said "Let me demonstrate" and a small swelling appeared on his arm. After a couple of minutes, the swelling became the form o...

So he asks the girl "Buy you a drink?"

She responds, "No, it's bad for my legs."

He asks "Why, do they swell?"

"No, they spread!"

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A Philanthropist visits the hospital

There was a very rich lady who gave most of her fortune to a hospital so the Chief of Staff gave her a special tour.

As they are passing one room she sees a man furiously jacking off in the corner.

“That’s disgusting “ she says but the doctor explains the the man has a rare disease th...

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I met my girlfriend in high school,

We were immediately best friends and spent days together having the most fun I had ever had. Then one day I asked her the question.

She said yes!

We were so happy together and we stayed together through high school. We both finished college together, we both got jobs together and event...

A man visits his doctor after a severe allergic reaction.

The doctor enters the examination room and asks him, "How are we feeling today?"







The man replies, "Swell!"

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As old as the Hills and twice as dusty but no, I've never seen it here

The traveling salesman's car breaks,so he asked a farmer if he can stay there for a few days while his car gets fixed.

The farmer had 2 beautiful daughters, Nellie and Venus.

One night TS takes the older daughter "Venus"on a date to the drive in,using the farmers car.

The next...

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

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The Godfather’s relaxing at his social club...

...with his crew. The usual gaggle of young Turks waits in the wings, hoping to get noticed, hoping to move up.

The Godfather calls one of them over.

“Jimmy, I hear good things about you. They tell me you’re serious, that you can be trusted.”

Jimmy swells with pride.

“I ...

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up

The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them.
I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You shoul...

A hunter lived alone in the middle of a forest, in a small house by the river..

A short distance down a slope in front of his house, he had a garden where he would grow vegetables to supplement his diet of forest game and fish.

 

One morning, he awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and rushing water. Quickly getting dressed and stumbling outside, he ...

TIL most females have a nut allergy.

You nut in them and they could swell for 9 months.

Little Johnny came to class all beat up...

Teacher: What's wrong?

Johnny: Our house is very small, me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping,
I say "No" then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye.

Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don't answer.

...

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A man was in a Terrible fire.

Third degree burns covers his legs torso arms and face. Luckily he had enough skin intact for skin grafts. The doctor worked tirelessly graphing him from top to bottom. They were almost finished when they got to his eyelids. The doctor was stuck trying to figure out what to do to graft this youn...

A puffer fish went to a surgeon because his puffer mechanism wasn’t working right.

When he got back he talked with his fish friends for a bit.

They asked him, “How did your surgery go? Did they fix your puffer?”

He replied, “It went *swell*.”

Marrying a Canadian woman

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second ...

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NSFW - I was on vacation in Australia with my girlfriend

And we were sunbathing on a nudist beach.

All of a sudden a hornet flew down and stung her right on her special area. It immediately swelled up and turned a rather nasty colour.

I immediately rang the Australian helpline for insect stings.

"G'Day mate, what seems to...

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The Mexican president has a rare cancer of the brain and is in need of a brain transplant. His only option is a risky new procedure that his doctor recently perfected.

He now has to “shop” for his brain.

“Sir, as this is a new procedure, our pool of brains you can choose from is rather small. Prices of the brains will vary,” said the doctor.

“Okay, show me what you’ve got. I have an important job, so I’ll need the best brain,” replies the president...

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Gonorrhea

A man goes to the doctors after his toe goes black and swells up. After he is diagnosed with a dose of gonorrhea of the foot, he asked if it was rare. The doctor told him 'about as rare as the woman we had in yesterday, with athlete's cunt’

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A man walks into a Bar.

A man walks into a bar and sees a very attractive woman sitting by herself and asks, “May I buy you a cocktail?”

"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."

"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

"No, they spread."

A man was stuck at a desert island for 20 years. One day, he saw something approaching.

With joy, the man looked at the approaching blur.
At first, it appeared to be a ship, then a boat, then a raft and ultimately a woman in a diver's suit came out of the water.
They talked. The woman asked, "How long since you last had a cigarette ?"
The man said, "20 years !"
The woman un...

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O'Connor The...

So, I was having a conversation with some old irish guy at the pub, was pretty swell. We talked about life, hobbies, interests and then, jobs... Old guy starts with looking at the table, says out "Well I built dat table, but dey don't call me O'Connor De Table Maker." He looks to me, "I help some pe...

Maid wanted a salary raise...

Madam wanted 3 reasons why the maid thought she deserved a raise

Maid: I can cook better than you.

Madam: Who told you that?

Maid: Your husband told me!

Madam: Ok, second reason.

Maid: I can iron better than you.

Madam: Who told you that?

Maid: Your h...

The Meaning of Life

A Redditor walks into a bar and asks the bartender

“Bartender, get me something new and fresh from r/jokes.” He chirped

“Sorry mate, all we have are reposts from the last 8 years”

“How can this be!” The Redditor exclaimed “If I can’t get my fix from r/jokes, then what is the poi...

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An old man decides one day to go for a jog.

An old man decides one day to go for a jog. While jogging through the park he notices a couple of tennis balls sitting on the grass. As he approaches the tennis balls he notices no one was around so he says to himself 'Sweet, a couple of free tennis balls', so he picks them both up and puts one in e...

Alcohol is bad

In a pub a man sees a blonde and sits next to her:

- Can I buy you a drink?

- No thanks, alcohol is bad for my legs.

- Oh, I'm sorry... Do they tend to swell?

- No, they tend to spread!

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A man walks into work with a smile

Every morning, he walks in and passes the security guard with a great big grin on his face. One day, bleary eyed, the security guard asks him why he's so chipper every morning.

"Well, it's simple. Every morning when my alarm goes off, I rub my wife on the shoulder and say 'Blondie, Blondie, e...

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Good Father John

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister
Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun
had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness
if she could help it, do whatever he told...

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A newly wed couple are off on their honeymoon in Australia

They were out swimming in the sea when all of a sudden, a jelly fish stung the wife in the vagina. They quickly went to the hospital and the doctor said "it looks like you will be okay but due to the swelling you won't be able to have sex for at least a couple of weeks." The couple were so disappoin...

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John gets a bee sting on his dick.

He and wife go to the doctor. As the doctor is finishing up, wife takes him to the side and says - can you only give medication for the pain and leave the swelling as it is ?

Don't dismiss homeopathy.

It has been proven to reduce swelling of the wallet.

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A man gets a call from a doctor...

...who informs him that he needs to get to the hospital ASAP as his wife has been involved in a very serious traffic collision. The man gets to the hospital and is met at the doors by the Doctor. "Don't tell me she's dead, doc", says the man, "I don't think I could live without my wife, I can't thin...

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar, and orders a drink.
As the bartender pours his drink, he begins to hear little voices saying nice things to him.
"Great tie, looks nice with those shoes."
"Swell haircut."

He asks the bartender about the voices, and the bartender replies, "Oh. It's the peanuts...

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Reporter doing an interview

A famous TV reporter was doing a report on location in Uzbekistan about the local customs of the people of Uzbekistan. During his report he interviewed one of the local town elders and asked him:

"Tell me a story about somthing that has happened in your life that you will never ever forget as...

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FBI interview

The FBI was hiring and after many applicants, narrowed their choices down to 3 men. Each told to appear for a face to face interview and for them to bring their girlfriend/fiancé/wife.


The first man is a 25 year old, just married, still fresh from college. Him and his wife are sitting cl...

A Bridge to Hawaii

A man is cleaning out his garage and comes upon an old lamp. He figures what the heck, takes the lamp, rubs it off, and sure enough a Genie pops out. “Thank you for awakening me. I will grant you one wish.”
The man inquires “anything I want?"

“Yes, anything” says the Genie.
...

The Governor's Allegory.

Intending to make a strong statement about his administration, the Governor drew on an allegory during his speech.

"A father wanted to teach a lesson to his three sons. He called them to the barn and gave them each a 100$ bill and asked them to buy something with it that could fill the whole ...

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I was at a party the other night.

I walked into the rager eager for a drink to quell my thirst, it was 9pm and things were just starting to heat up. A few steps through the door and I was greeted by a petit partygoer with flashing lights in her hair, she said something but I couldn't hear her over the DJ, but I wasn't really interes...

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A flying saucer lands in the middle of a farm one evening...

The farmer and his wife witness the landing and decide to investigate, discovering a male and female Martian couple aboard the craft. Being friendly, the farm couple invites the Martians to dinner back at the farmhouse.

One glass of wine turns into several, the conversation turns raunchy, and...

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A blonde and her guide returned from an overnight hike

The blonde went straight to the hotel bar and ordered a stiff drink.

"You look frazzled," the bartender said. "Tough time on the hike?"

"TERRIBLE," she said after downing the drink. "The walking was hard, the weather was bad, and my guide almost died!"

"Really? What happened?" <...

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A man goes to his doctor and discovers...

...a strange new machine. His doctor tells him that it's a diagnosis machine; it deduces patients' problems by analyzing appropriate samples. After being told to try it, he put a sample into the receptacle. After a few seconds, the screen read "Tennis Elbow, Minor: Apply ice pack for 5 minutes every...

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Penis enlargement NSFW (Long)

Paddy's wife complains to him that his penis is too small and doesn't satisfy her, so on a visit to the local pub, after a few pints, he seeks advice from Mick, who's a well-known ladies' man.

"Do what I do," says Mick. "As I go upstairs, I slap my pecker off the handrail with every step I ta...

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Bill, Hillary, Donald and Melania were sitting together in the train

... when the train went through a tunnel and the compartment reverberated with the noise of a tight SLAP! When the train came out the Donald had a swelling red hand print on his face. Bill thought, "Stupid buffon must have grabbed Hillary's pussy". Donald thought, "Bill must have grabbed Melania's...

*A Man offers whisky to a woman* who happens to sit next to him alone in a bar counter.

*Woman*: "No thanks. I don't take alcohol. It's bad for my legs. "

*Man*: "Legs ? That's strange !!! Do they swell, hurt or what ? "

*Woman*: "No ! They open easily !!! "

Jesus and Moses were hanging out in Heaven

Jesus and Moses were hanging out in Heaven when they got to discussing their mutual boredom.

Moses said, "Hey Jesus, you know what we haven't done in a while? Go down to Earth and perform some miracles." Jesus thought that was a swell idea, so the two hopped on a cloud and floated down to a m...

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[Long] Tom was having increasingly bad headaches as he got older...

He was told by his doctor that he had an ailment that made his testicles press up against his spine, which caused him very painful headaches; more pain than he was able to endure. After many referrals, it was concluded that castration would be the only way to cure him. After his surgery, he was fr...

One day Mr. Rabbit was hopping through the woods..

He was out hopping through the woods, enjoying nature. After hopping around for a while he came across Mr. Deer, who was sparking-up a joint. Mr. Rabbit approached him and said, "Mr. Deer, you don't need that stuff. We have all of this beautiful nature to enjoy. Put that out, and come frolic wit...

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Donald Trumps' Inaugration

This came from a U.S. soldier's wife. It says it all:


"I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as the government underwent a peaceful transition of power a few short months ago ...


At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Donald Trump took his Oa...

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Two men are out hunting when one goes to take a leak.

As he pees a snake springs from the bushes and sinks it's teeth into the man's tool. Hearing his screams, the friend runs to him and sees his tool beginning to swell badly.

"What do I do?!" He asks the yelling man.

"I don't know! Call a doctor."

The friend pulls out his phone, c...

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Queen Elizabeth II visits a hospital...

Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating. "Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your R...

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There are two long-time neighbors, Bill and Bob...(long)

They live two houses away. One day, a stranger moves into the house right between them. Naturally, they're both curious about their new neighbor, so the first chance Bill gets, he strikes up a conversation.

In the course of their conversation, Bill asks the new neighbor what he does for a li...

A Mexican, Texan, a Brit, and a Spaniard are on a plane...

A Mexican, Texan, a Brit, and a Spaniard are on a plane, and suddenly the pilot says, "We are crashing, but I will be able to land if 3 of you somehow get off." The 4 people look at each other, doubting anyone will jump. Then, the Brit jumps out, yelling, "Save the Queen!" The Spaniard then jumps ou...

Yesterday, I was feeling quite sea sick,

but today I'm doing just swell.

Simple instructions from an English teacher for a great essay.

1. Don't use no double negatives.
2. Don't abbrev.
3. Personally, in my opinion, a writer or essayist should not make use of too many words or phrases which he does not necessarily need in many cases.
4. About sentence fragments.
5. Dont, use, commas, when they are, unnecessary.
6. Ke...

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The Miracle Machine

A guy is talking to a work buddy in the bar. The guy says, "man my wrist is killing me! I want to go to a doctor but im scared that the bill will be too high." The buddy says, "well you are in luck man! i heard from my wife that a new pharmacy just opened up and they have a machine that with just a ...

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First "Contact"

In the years that followed first contact between humanity and an alien race, individuals from both species took steps to integrate their two cultures. At one of several social conventions held to further this goal, a human couple and an alien couple meet and discuss their common traits. They eventua...

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We're doing married golfer jokes now?

One day a man and his wife are golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, doglegs right around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it wi...

One day a King named Brof sailed to an archipelago

He had a large army and demanded that they prepare him the finest meal he could or his army would destroy them and he only gave them a week to do it. So 5 days later the 12 different islands in the archipelago held a cooking contest. Each island prepared a beautiful dish and after much delay the jud...

Some of my favorite Scandinavian UFF DA jokes

Ole and Lars were business partners and good friends. One day Lars started off for work and discovered he'd forgotten his tools. Returning home, he looked around for his wife, Lena, and finally found her in the bedroom. To his surprise, she was on the bed with no clothes on. "Vat in the vorld are yo...

"How does it feel to live without the Internet?"

I met an Amish man who gave me a ride when my car was broken down.

Me: "So, what's it like to live without the internet?"

Amish Man: "Pretty swell. I just get pictures of your mom through the mail."

[OH SNAP!](http://reactiongif.org/wp-content/uploads/GIF/2014/08/GIF-amazing-cla...

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A farmer couple is visited by aliens

Two space aliens, a male and a female, land their ship in the middle of a farm and meet the husband and wife who own it. They start talking and the farmers put them up in their house for a few weeks. They exchange stories about culture and technology. On the last night before the aliens depart, the ...

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