Shrink Jokes - 65 Hilarious Shrink Jokes

A patient in a psychiatric hospital is being examined by a shrink. The shrink hands him a piece of paper and asks him, "Look at this inkblot and tell me what do you see."

"Well," the patient says, "I'm not 100% sure, but it looks like Rorschach Series IV, blot #17."

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“I’m always exhausted,” Joe told his shrink. “Every night I dream I’m driving a truck from Houston to Chicago, and every morning I wake up dead tired.”

The doctor said, “Beginning tonight when you’re dreaming, stop in Tulsa and I’ll drive the rest of the way to Chicago.” It worked perfectly.

A week later Joe’s friend Fred told him, “Every night I dream all night long that I’m being forced to satisfy four beautiful starlets. It’s k...

I think I'm shrinking!

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

I told my shrink I identify as a dog

He made me get off the couch

Two shrinks were talking

“Wanna go out and grab a quick lunch?”

“No can do, I have a 12:00 o’clock disappointment”

“Don’t you mean appointment?”

“Normally yeah, but wait till you meet him”

Went to the shrink today..

My doctor said that my narcissistic tendencies cause me to misread social interactions.

I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

What kind of animal makes the best shrinks?

Owls. They genuinely give a hoot.

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.

Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So on...

A shrinking man visits his doctor yelling, "Doctor! Doctor! I'm getting smaller and smaller and smaller!!!"

His Doctor replies, "Now now, I can't fix things right away, you'll just have to be a little patient."

What happens when a shrink doesn't pay taxes?

Tax freud

A guy walks into a shrinks wearing only shorts made from cling film.

The shrink takes one look and says: "I can clearly see your nuts!"

I was thinking that the dryer was shrinking my clothes.

It turned out to be the refrigerator!

A man went to see a shrink

He entered the room and remained standing by the door.
"I'm here because my wife treats me like a dog" the man said.
"Ok" the shrink replied, "Come and sit on this sofa and we can talk some more about this problem".
"No, i can't" said the man... "I'm not allowed on the sofa"

My shrink says i have a gambling problem..

i asked "doctor is there a cure" she said "no dice!"

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A man goes to his shrink.

The psychiatrist makes him pass a Rorschach test to diagnose his problem. He shows the first pattern.

\- "That's a ".

The psychiatrist takes a note of it and shows the next pattern.

\- "".

Again, the psychiatrist takes note and moves onto the next pattern.
...

Guy goes to a shrink

What seems to be the problem?

The guy says, I keep having this recurring dream I’m an auto mechanic

The shrink says, OK get under the couch

The mental institution just got a new shrink...

...and on his first day he is shown around the hospital and introduced to the staff and patients.

As he comes to the activity room, there is a group of patients sitting in a circle facing one another. One of them says: "Number 31!" And the others start laughing. He notices that one of the pat...

The invisible man and the shrink

The receptionist tells the psychiatrist that there's a man in the waiting room who claims to be invisible.

The Psychiatrist says, "Tell him I can't see him right now."

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A man walks into a shrink’s office.

“What’s wrong?” Asks the shrink.

“It’s a little embarrassing” answers the man.

“This is a safe place” assures him the shrink.

“Well doc, recently, i can’t seem to be able to focus” replays the man.

“What’s distracting you?” Asks the shrink.

“Well, i guess there is...

Darling, I think the new dryer is shrinking my clothes.”

“No, sweetie, that was the fridge.”

My shrink thinks I’m looking for love in all the wrong places.

She said I can’t trust women who charge by the hour.

Three women were at a shrink’s office with their kids

The shrink told the first woman, “You love food so you named your child Candy.” He told the second, “You love money so you named your child Penny.” The third woman told her son, “This is ridiculous. Let’s get out of here, Peter.”

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Patient responds "" to every Rorschach inkblot the shrink shows him.

Shrink says, "Well - you seem quite -obsessed."

Patient says "Waddya mean I'm -obsessed? YOU'RE the one showing the dirty pictures!"

I Think I’m a Moth!

A man bursts into a doctor’s office breathlessly flapping his elbows and exclaims, “Doctor can you help me? I think I’m a moth!”

“I can’t help you,” replies the doctor, “I’m a cardiologist. I help people with heart problems. You have a head problem. You need a shrink!”

“I know,” replie...

"Has anyone here seen my shrink-wrap?" asked someone in the warehouse.

"I never knew your psychiatrist likes hip hop music," I replied.

let's play russian roulette with a shrink ray! i'll go first

^oh ^come ^on

How many shrinks does it take to change a lightbulb.

One
But the lightbulb has to really want to change.

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A pair of conjoined twins went to see the psychiatrist. Twin A confessed to wanting to have with twin B. The shrink responded...

Hey, you do you.

Guy goes to his shrink and says, "I think I'm a French pair of shoes!"

The shrink replies, "What makes you chaussures?"

I told my shrink, "every morning I see an ugly creature in the mirror, whats wrong with me?"

He said, "you've got perfect vision."

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There’s this psychiatrist who claims to guess the frequency of by looking at the smile on the guys face

. A talk show host challenges him and it goes really well with a 100% accuracy till this one guy shows up with a grin that would dislocate a crocodile’s jaw.

“Twice a day,”

“Nope.”

“Daily.”

“Nope.”

“Every other day.”

“Nope.”

“Weekends.”

“Nope.”...

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Two psychiatrists were having lunch and talking about Freudian slips.

Shrink 1: Let me tell you about my Freudian slip when I ate dinner with my mother last night.

Shrink 2: Ooh yes, tell me.

Shrink 1: I meant to say, "Mom, please pass the salt "

Shrink 2: Yes, yes, what did you say instead?

Shrink 1: Well, I meant to say "Mom, please p...

A woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says, "I believe I can see into the future"

The shrink asks, "When did this start?"

"Next Tuesday"

A man runs into a doctors office screaming: "You've gotta help me doc! I'm shrinking!"

The doctor says: "I'm sorry sir I'm very busy today. You'll have to be a little patient."

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I ran into a buddy last month and invited him to a party

He said, “no, thanks. I don’t go to parties anymore. It’s too embarrassing.“

“What do you mean?“

“Well, I always drink too much, and when I’m drunk I think it’s funny to piss in peoples’ flower pots. Then the next day, everybody’s talking about it, and it’s too embarrassing. So I just ...

A man wakes and finds he is shrinking, getting smaller and smaller

He immediately panics gets dressed and runs out the door.

He try’s to get a cab but he’s getting smaller and smaller and he can’t flag one down.

So he takes off on foot and runs toward the hospital while getting smaller and smaller.

He makes it to the hospital and sees there is ...

If men "shrink" when it's cold out . . .

... then do women "clam shut" ?

A man wakes up one day and notices he’s shrinking. (Long)

He checks his height everyday but today, he has lost an inch. The man thinks nothing of it and continues about his day.

The next day he wakes up and checks his height again. This time he has lost two inches. Concerned, the man calls his physician and scheduled an appointment for the followin...

I'm taking a trip to the Amazon rainforest, but I was warned to look out for the head-shrinking indigenous tribes that still live there.

I'm not sure what the fuss is about. Who doesn't enjoy a little head?

So a man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a piece of shrink wrap...

The doctor looks up and says;

"I can clearly see your nuts."

After accidentally shooting his pet with the shrink ray, my friend decided to give the pet away.

It's my newt now.

I made a frozen pizza this morning. I took off the shrink wrap on the pizza and noticed it had some small holes in it where the frozen cheese had stabbed through.

That was some sharp cheddar.

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So God and an Angel are creating Humans…

GOD: So when it's cold, we'll make do what?

ANGEL: Make em hard?

GOD: Nice, nice, everybody loves boobies. How about dicks?

ANGEL: Shrink em!

GOD: *laughing so hard tears run down his face*

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There is a new female organ player at a small church...

She is a beautiful woman, but there is a problem: her ample bosom is causing an issue with the men in the church. While playing the organ, her breasts bounce and sway. Men in the church are getting distracted and many get in trouble with their wives for gazing longingly at her.

An old woman ...

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I went to the doctor to see about enlargement.

He turned out to be a shrink.

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A rabbit and a bear go to take a in the woods of wonderland…

The rabbit “a bit intimidated by the large bear” offers him one of his extra mushrooms that the large bear gladly accepts. The rabbit then looks at the bear and says hey - “does stick to your fur?” The bear “munching on the shrooms and shrinking” says - Hell no, my fur is immaculate”. The rabbi...

Shakey went to a psychiatrist.

“Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. “you gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to m...

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Old one I’ve never seen here before: A guy is over-endowed

His extremely large has actually been a curse to him; women see it and refuse to try. Desperate, he hears of a witch who might be able to help him so he visits her and explains his problem.

“Indeed I know of something that could help you” she says, “It’s easy and painless. Behind my ho...

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I got sprayed in the chest by a skunk so I had my tiny therapist wash my clothes for me.

My shrunk shrink stopped my shirt's skunk stink.

People used to be a lot more optimistic in the past, but things have taken quite a turn haven't they. The economy's uncertain, salaries are shrinking, jobs are dissipating. Morale is generally quite low nowadays.

If the elevator were invented today, it would be called the plunger.

The old man and Pagliacci

An old man deep in despair went to see his favorite comedian, the great clown Pagliacci.

After the show, the old man made his way backstage and found Pagliacci.

“Pagliacci,” the old man said. “I have always admired your work, and your set tonight was magnificent.”

“I’m humbled, ...

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What does an electrician call his hot therapist?

A heat shrink

Bed monsters

A guy had a fear that there was a monster living under his bed, and he decided to seek professional help. During the consultation, the shrink told him his situation was unusual but not unheard of. He can be cured, but it would take at minimum 6 session at $250 each.

The guy declined citing t...

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A woman goes to a psychiatrist

She says I'm having a problem with my husband.

He's totally fixated on his mother....

He thinks about nothing but his mother..

All he cares about is his mom...

What can I do to have him think about me?

The shrink says you have to it up a bit//

Wear linge...

So this guy is feeling really down about himself....

....so he decides to go see a shrink. He lays on the couch and spills out his troubles, his fears, his self-doubts, and his longing for something more.

The doctor listens to all of this, and then sits quietly pondering over what he has heard. Suddenly his face brightens.

"Aha! I've f...

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The Man Who Needed Help.

So, a man walks into a Physiatrist office, he is wearing no clothing, but he is wrapped from head to toe in Saran wrap...

He asks the Shrink if in his profession opinion the man is okay.

The Physiatrist say; "Well I can clearly see your nuts!".

The man in Cling wrap turns aroun...

People always ask who my psychiatrist is because I’ve been really happy lately but they’re surprised when I say he’s Spanish

No one expects the Spanish shrink decision

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A psychiatrist was testing a patient’s personality. He drew a circle on a paper.

And asked the patient, “What does this remind you of?”

The patient answered, “.”

The shrink drew a square and asked again, “What does this remind you of?”

“,” the patient replied.

Then the doctor drew a triangle.

“It reminds me of ,” the patient stated. ...

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A guy had a very very very long

He had so many problems with it that he finally realised he needed medical attention.

So he goes to the doctor but the doctor says: "There is nothing we can do... although... there is this witch on the hill that might have a fix for you."

So he went to the witch on the hill.

Upo...

A doctor is performing surgery on his patient

All of a sudden the door swings open and in comes running a desperate man. He shouts “help me doctor, im shrinking!!!” The doctor calmly says “Settle down a bit, you can’t just come barging in here like that...you’ll have to learn to be a little patient”

Made this one up years ago....What do they call it when a psychiatrist and a rapper get together for a talk?

Shrink wrap!

A man bursts into a doctor's office...

...and is frantically looking for the doctor. Finally he finds him in one of the rooms but he is with someone. Still, the man shouts out, "Doctor! Doctor, you have to help me. I think I'm shrinking!"

And the doctor says, "Now, now. You'll just have to be a little patient."

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The cocky exponential function e^x is strolling along the road insulting the functions he sees walking by.

He scoffs at a wandering polynomial for the shortness of its Taylor series. He snickers at a passing smooth function of compact support and its glaring lack of a convergent power series about many of its points. He positively laughs as he passes |x| for being nondifferentiable at the origin. He smil...

Sorry, folks - I know you've heard this one but the Devil's making me tell it 'cause I love it so much ...

Woman goes to a shrink because she's having trouble finding anyone to date her.

After months of therapy, the shrink finally decides her money isn't worth it and he's got to give it to her straight. So he tells her that the reason she can't find anyone to date is because she's not only comple...

The psychiatrist asks the patient, "So what seems to be the problem?"

"Well Doc, for a long time now, I've believed that I'm really a dog!"

"And how long have you felt this way?", asks the shrink.

"Ever since I was a puppy."

(Apols if its a repost, it is very old. I first heard it in my kennel)

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