UPJOKE
decreaselessenreducediminishcontractfallshrivelmenningerdownsizecringecontractiondeclinewitherrecoilflinch

Shrink Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

“I’m always exhausted,” Joe told his shrink. “Every night I dream I’m driving a truck from Houston to Chicago, and every morning I wake up dead tired.”

The doctor said, “Beginning tonight when you’re dreaming, stop in Tulsa and I’ll drive the rest of the way to Chicago.” It worked perfectly.

A week later Joe’s friend Fred told him, “Every night I dream all night long that I’m being forced to sexually satisfy four beautiful starlets. It’s k...

A patient in a psychiatric hospital is being examined by a shrink. The shrink hands him a piece of paper and asks him, "Look at this inkblot and tell me what do you see."

"Well," the patient says, "I'm not 100% sure, but it looks like Rorschach Series IV, blot #17."

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

There is this guy who has a 25-inch dick

He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog...

I told my shrink I identify as a dog

He made me get off the couch

Two shrinks were talking

“Wanna go out and grab a quick lunch?”

“No can do, I have a 12:00 o’clock disappointment”

“Don’t you mean appointment?”

“Normally yeah, but wait till you meet him”

I think I'm shrinking!

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.

Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So on...

A shrinking man visits his doctor yelling, "Doctor! Doctor! I'm getting smaller and smaller and smaller!!!"

His Doctor replies, "Now now, I can't fix things right away, you'll just have to be a little patient."

What happens when a shrink doesn't pay taxes?

Tax freud

Went to the shrink today..

My doctor said that my narcissistic tendencies cause me to misread social interactions.

I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

I was thinking that the dryer was shrinking my clothes.

It turned out to be the refrigerator!

What kind of animal makes the best shrinks?

Owls. They genuinely give a hoot.

A man went to see a shrink

He entered the room and remained standing by the door.
"I'm here because my wife treats me like a dog" the man said.
"Ok" the shrink replied, "Come and sit on this sofa and we can talk some more about this problem".
"No, i can't" said the man... "I'm not allowed on the sofa"

My shrink says i have a gambling problem..

i asked "doctor is there a cure" she said "no dice!"

A guy walks into a shrinks wearing only shorts made from cling film.

The shrink takes one look and says: "I can clearly see your nuts!"

Guy goes to a shrink

What seems to be the problem?

The guy says, I keep having this recurring dream I’m an auto mechanic


The shrink says, OK get under the couch

The mental institution just got a new shrink...

...and on his first day he is shown around the hospital and introduced to the staff and patients.

As he comes to the activity room, there is a group of patients sitting in a circle facing one another. One of them says: "Number 31!" And the others start laughing. He notices that one of the pat...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

A penis has a wonderful life.....for the optimists!

His two closest friends hang around and constantly update him on the weather.

His best friend is a pussy.

He never has to comb his hair.

He can quadruple in size and stand up if he really wants to see something.

He can take over all his hosts functions and thoughts whenev...

The invisible man and the shrink

The receptionist tells the psychiatrist that there's a man in the waiting room who claims to be invisible.

The Psychiatrist says, "Tell him I can't see him right now."

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

A man goes to his shrink.

The psychiatrist makes him pass a Rorschach test to diagnose his problem. He shows the first pattern.

\- "That's a vagina".

The psychiatrist takes a note of it and shows the next pattern.

\- "Vagina".

Again, the psychiatrist takes note and moves onto the next pattern.
...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

A man walks into a shrink’s office.

“What’s wrong?” Asks the shrink.

“It’s a little embarrassing” answers the man.

“This is a safe place” assures him the shrink.

“Well doc, recently, i can’t seem to be able to focus” replays the man.

“What’s distracting you?” Asks the shrink.

“Well, i guess there is...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

Darling, I think the new dryer is shrinking my clothes.”

“No, sweetie, that was the fridge.”

My shrink thinks I’m looking for love in all the wrong places.

She said I can’t trust women who charge by the hour.

Three women were at a shrink’s office with their kids

The shrink told the first woman, “You love food so you named your child Candy.” He told the second, “You love money so you named your child Penny.” The third woman told her son, “This is ridiculous. Let’s get out of here, Peter.”

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

Patient responds "pussy" to every Rorschach inkblot the shrink shows him.

Shrink says, "Well - you seem quite sex-obsessed."

Patient says "Waddya mean I'm sex-obsessed? YOU'RE the one showing the dirty pictures!"

"Has anyone here seen my shrink-wrap?" asked someone in the warehouse.

"I never knew your psychiatrist likes hip hop music," I replied.

A man wakes and finds he is shrinking, getting smaller and smaller

He immediately panics gets dressed and runs out the door.

He try’s to get a cab but he’s getting smaller and smaller and he can’t flag one down.

So he takes off on foot and runs toward the hospital while getting smaller and smaller.

He makes it to the hospital and sees there is ...

let's play russian roulette with a shrink ray! i'll go first

^oh ^come ^on

If men "shrink" when it's cold out . . .

... then do women "clam shut" ?

How many shrinks does it take to change a lightbulb.

One
But the lightbulb has to really want to change.

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

A pair of conjoined twins went to see the psychiatrist. Twin A confessed to wanting to have sex with twin B. The shrink responded...

Hey, you do you.

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

Through a poorly-worded genie wish, a man now has a 20-inch-long penis.

While the bragging rights were good for a few days, the man soon realizes that his dick is uncomfortable and unusable, and he must find a solution. He begins asking the local enchanters and witches if they have any suggestions, and finally gets a lead that the enchanted forest over yonder is home to...

Guy goes to his shrink and says, "I think I'm a French pair of shoes!"

The shrink replies, "What makes you chaussures?"

I told my shrink, "every morning I see an ugly creature in the mirror, whats wrong with me?"

He said, "you've got perfect vision."

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

There’s this psychiatrist who claims to guess the frequency of sex by looking at the smile on the guys face

. A talk show host challenges him and it goes really well with a 100% accuracy till this one guy shows up with a grin that would dislocate a crocodile’s jaw.

“Twice a day,”

“Nope.”

“Daily.”

“Nope.”

“Every other day.”

“Nope.”

“Weekends.”

“Nope.”...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

Two psychiatrists were having lunch and talking about Freudian slips.

Shrink 1: Let me tell you about my Freudian slip when I ate dinner with my mother last night.

Shrink 2: Ooh yes, tell me.

Shrink 1: I meant to say, "Mom, please pass the salt "

Shrink 2: Yes, yes, what did you say instead?

Shrink 1: Well, I meant to say "Mom, please p...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

The pickle factory

Yossel Abramovitz worked in a pickle factory. Unfortunately,
he had a very great and powerful desire to put his penis in the
pickle slicer.

This went on for years, and Yossel couldn't stand it any more.
So he decided to seek professional help for this odd infatuation
of his. He sp...

A man runs into a doctors office screaming: "You've gotta help me doc! I'm shrinking!"

The doctor says: "I'm sorry sir I'm very busy today. You'll have to be a little patient."

A man wakes up one day and notices he’s shrinking. (Long)

He checks his height everyday but today, he has lost an inch. The man thinks nothing of it and continues about his day.

The next day he wakes up and checks his height again. This time he has lost two inches. Concerned, the man calls his physician and scheduled an appointment for the followin...

I'm taking a trip to the Amazon rainforest, but I was warned to look out for the head-shrinking indigenous tribes that still live there.

I'm not sure what the fuss is about. Who doesn't enjoy a little head?

So a man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a piece of shrink wrap...

The doctor looks up and says;

"I can clearly see your nuts."

After accidentally shooting his pet with the shrink ray, my friend decided to give the pet away.

It's my newt now.

A woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says, "I believe I can see into the future"

The shrink asks, "When did this start?"



"Next Tuesday"

I Think I’m a Moth!

A man bursts into a doctor’s office breathlessly flapping his elbows and exclaims, “Doctor can you help me? I think I’m a moth!”

“I can’t help you,” replies the doctor, “I’m a cardiologist. I help people with heart problems. You have a head problem. You need a shrink!”

“I know,” replie...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

I ran into a buddy last month and invited him to a party

He said, “no, thanks. I don’t go to parties anymore. It’s too embarrassing.“

“What do you mean?“

“Well, I always drink too much, and when I’m drunk I think it’s funny to piss in peoples’ flower pots. Then the next day, everybody’s talking about it, and it’s too embarrassing. So I just ...

I made a frozen pizza this morning. I took off the shrink wrap on the pizza and noticed it had some small holes in it where the frozen cheese had stabbed through.

That was some sharp cheddar.

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

So God and an Angel are creating Humans


GOD: So when it's cold, we'll make nipples do what?

ANGEL: Make em hard?

GOD: Nice, nice, everybody loves boobies. How about dicks?

ANGEL: Shrink em!

GOD: *laughing so hard tears run down his face*

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

There is a new female organ player at a small church...

She is a beautiful woman, but there is a problem: her ample bosom is causing an issue with the men in the church. While playing the organ, her breasts bounce and sway. Men in the church are getting distracted and many get in trouble with their wives for gazing longingly at her.

An old woman ...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

I went to the doctor to see about penis enlargement.

He turned out to be a shrink.

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

A guy confesses to his psychiatrist that he's having trouble at work...

"What sort of trouble?" asks the shrink.

"I work in the production line at a pickle factory, and I know this is going to sound crazy, but lately I've been fantasizing about putting my penis into the pickle-slicer."

"My God, man!" the shrink exclaims. "You can't do that!"

"I know...

Shakey went to a psychiatrist.

“Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. “you gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to m...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

Old one I’ve never seen here before: A guy is over-endowed

His extremely large penis has actually been a curse to him; women see it and refuse to try. Desperate, he hears of a witch who might be able to help him so he visits her and explains his problem.

“Indeed I know of something that could help you” she says, “It’s easy and painless. Behind my ho...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

I got sprayed in the chest by a skunk so I had my tiny therapist wash my clothes for me.

My shrunk shrink stopped my shirt's skunk stink.

People used to be a lot more optimistic in the past, but things have taken quite a turn haven't they. The economy's uncertain, salaries are shrinking, jobs are dissipating. Morale is generally quite low nowadays.

If the elevator were invented today, it would be called the plunger.

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

A rabbit and a bear go to take a shit in the woods of wonderland


The rabbit “a bit intimidated by the large bear” offers him one of his extra mushrooms that the large bear gladly accepts. The rabbit then looks at the bear and says hey - “does shit stick to your fur?” The bear “munching on the shrooms and shrinking” says - Hell no, my fur is immaculate”. The rabbi...

The old man and Pagliacci

An old man deep in despair went to see his favorite comedian, the great clown Pagliacci.

After the show, the old man made his way backstage and found Pagliacci.

“Pagliacci,” the old man said. “I have always admired your work, and your set tonight was magnificent.”

“I’m humbled, ...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

What does an electrician call his hot therapist?

A heat shrink

Bed monsters

A guy had a fear that there was a monster living under his bed, and he decided to seek professional help. During the consultation, the shrink told him his situation was unusual but not unheard of. He can be cured, but it would take at minimum 6 session at $250 each.

The guy declined citing t...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

A woman goes to a psychiatrist

She says I'm having a problem with my husband.

He's totally fixated on his mother....

He thinks about nothing but his mother..

All he cares about is his mom...

What can I do to have him think about me?

The shrink says you have to sex it up a bit//

Wear linge...

So this guy is feeling really down about himself....

....so he decides to go see a shrink. He lays on the couch and spills out his troubles, his fears, his self-doubts, and his longing for something more.

The doctor listens to all of this, and then sits quietly pondering over what he has heard. Suddenly his face brightens.

"Aha! I've f...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

A psychiatrist was testing a patient’s personality. He drew a circle on a paper.

And asked the patient, “What does this remind you of?”

The patient answered, “Sex.”

The shrink drew a square and asked again, “What does this remind you of?”

“Sex,” the patient replied.

Then the doctor drew a triangle.

“It reminds me of sex,” the patient stated. ...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

So there was this guy who...

... Had a 50 centimeter long penis and couldn't get a woman because it was just too much for them. So he goes to a witch who tells him to go in the forest and talk to a magical frog. Whenever the frog would answer a question with a "no" his penis would shrink 10 centimeters.

He finds the frog...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

A guy had a very very very long penis

He had so many problems with it that he finally realised he needed medical attention.

So he goes to the doctor but the doctor says: "There is nothing we can do... although... there is this witch on the hill that might have a fix for you."

So he went to the witch on the hill.

Upo...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

The Man Who Needed Help.

So, a man walks into a Physiatrist office, he is wearing no clothing, but he is wrapped from head to toe in Saran wrap...

He asks the Shrink if in his profession opinion the man is okay.

The Physiatrist say; "Well I can clearly see your nuts!".

The man in Cling wrap turns aroun...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

So a man has a 25 inch dick

A man has a 25 inch dick and he hates it

It always gets in the way, he has to wrap it around his leg wherever he goes, and it never fits in a woman.

So he goes to this magic wizard to help him get a shorter dick. The wizard tells him to go into the nearby forest and find this talking ...

People always ask who my psychiatrist is because I’ve been really happy lately but they’re surprised when I say he’s Spanish

No one expects the Spanish shrink decision

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

pickle slicer

a man was laying in bed next to his wife. he turns to her and says "honey, recently at work ive had an uncontrollable urge to stick my penis in the pickle slicer". the wife was shocked and promised to make an appointment the next day with a shrink. the husband comes home the next day and says "sorry...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

Rorschach Test

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office for his first appointment. After the initial interview, the shrink decides to ease the man into the process with a simple inkblot test. After a few minutes, however, the shrink calls a halt.

"I think its fairly clear at this point that we're dealing wi...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

A man is born with a 26 inch penis

His penis is so long that no women is willing to be with him and he becomes light headed whenever he gets an erection.
Frustrated by this, he decides to seek the help of a with who lives in the swamp. He says to her "witch my penis two feet long, women fear it and I pass out whenever I become ar...

A doctor is performing surgery on his patient

All of a sudden the door swings open and in comes running a desperate man. He shouts “help me doctor, im shrinking!!!” The doctor calmly says “Settle down a bit, you can’t just come barging in here like that...you’ll have to learn to be a little patient”

Made this one up years ago....What do they call it when a psychiatrist and a rapper get together for a talk?

Shrink wrap!

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

A man goes to the psychiatrist and tells him that every day he passes a delicatessen.

In the window of the deli is a pickle slicer, slicing pickles. He tells the doctor that he has this urge, every time he passes, to put his
penis in the pickle slicer.

The shrink calms him down and asks him a little more about himself, trying to talk him out of it. He suggests he take a ...

A man bursts into a doctor's office...

...and is frantically looking for the doctor. Finally he finds him in one of the rooms but he is with someone. Still, the man shouts out, "Doctor! Doctor, you have to help me. I think I'm shrinking!"

And the doctor says, "Now, now. You'll just have to be a little patient."

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

The guy with the giant penis

There once was a man with a 50 centimeter long schlong. He could not find any partners because it was too long. So he went to the Doctor’s office.

«Doctor, please help me! My penis is too long and I want it sportened, is there anything you can do?»

- «No.» said the doctor. «But.. There...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

The cocky exponential function e^x is strolling along the road insulting the functions he sees walking by.

He scoffs at a wandering polynomial for the shortness of its Taylor series. He snickers at a passing smooth function of compact support and its glaring lack of a convergent power series about many of its points. He positively laughs as he passes |x| for being nondifferentiable at the origin. He smil...

Sorry, folks - I know you've heard this one but the Devil's making me tell it 'cause I love it so much ...

Woman goes to a shrink because she's having trouble finding anyone to date her.

After months of therapy, the shrink finally decides her money isn't worth it and he's got to give it to her straight. So he tells her that the reason she can't find anyone to date is because she's not only comple...

The psychiatrist asks the patient, "So what seems to be the problem?"

"Well Doc, for a long time now, I've believed that I'm really a dog!"

"And how long have you felt this way?", asks the shrink.

"Ever since I was a puppy."


(Apols if its a repost, it is very old. I first heard it in my kennel)

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

A man has a 25 inch penis

A man has a 25 inch penis. This is much too long, and he is never able to get any satisfaction from his relationships, and had grown tired of accidentally hurting his partners. So, one day he decides to do something about it. He goes to the doctor, and asks if the doctor can shrink his penis. The do...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.