When I was a child, I didn't like eating sprouts.

I told my mom I wasn't hungry.

She said:
the children in Africa would be happy with sprouts!

I replied:
and the moms in Africa would be happy with a child that's not hungry!

New England trees have sprouted legs and are running amok. Officials say:

Birches be runnin wild

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A man goes to a store and gets a redbull.

He buys one can of redbull, goes to the fifth floor, and chugs it before he jumps out the window.

5 minutes later, he comes into the store again, buys a can of redbull and drinks it, and jumps out the fifth floor again.

He does this on repeat for half an hour, until a man notices and ...

There are two trees in the forest, a beech and a birch and one day, they notice a small tree has sprouted up in between them. The birch says, "Man, that really looks like a son of a beech!" The beech retorts, "No way! That's gotta be a son of a birch!"

So, they start arguing back and forth. "Son of a beech!" "Son of a birch!"

Eventually, a woodpecker flies by and hears the two trees fighting and he asks the two trees what's wrong and what are they are fighting about.

The trees explain to the woodpecker that they can't tell if the sma...

As a gardener nothing makes me more excited then when my plants first sprout

I guess that makes me a petalphile

You really have to watch out for new sprouts coming out of your potato's... they're poisonous.

Keep your eyes peeled!

What is green and loves going camping?

A Boy Sprout

Why was the sprout farmer so assertive?

He was an alfalfa male.

Why is Deutschland like a sprouting seed?

They're both a germination!

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What do you call a prostitutes children?

Brothel Sprouts

My son was born without arms or legs...

For his 18th birthday I carried him to the pub and bought him his first pint.

After holding the glass to his lips and watching him gulp it down, I was amazed to see arms sprout out of his torso!

Shocked, the bartender poured another pint and handed it over to my son, who picked up the ...

A Man...

A Man is stopped by an Old Woman who was holding out seeds and says "take these seeds and you will be on your way to success."
The man takes the seeds and plants them, going to sleep and waking up the next day to find the seeds have sprouted into a gigantic tree. A booking voice rings out from ab...

A boy is born without a body

A boy is born without a body and miraculously survives. Even though he has no body parts below the neck he manages to make it through high school and on his 18th birthday his father takes him out for his first drink.

The boy drinks his first beer and instantly grows a torso. In utter shock, t...

A group of canned vegetables were sitting on a shelf

and one of them was twisting around and checking himself out.
"Hey!" He cried proudly. "I'm one hundred percent corn, nothing else!"
Some fancy new can of Brussels sprouts swiveled to look at him. "But who cares? You're just corn." He said witheringly.
"Well I'm not corn. I'm heirloom...

What is the difference between boogers and Brussels sprouts?

Little kids will eat boogers.

What do you call a hooker's kid?

A brothel sprout

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A vicar goes to an blind lady’s house for a cup of tea...

...and her guide dog sits under his chair
He had had sprouts the night before so was full of wind and he let out a fart
“Rover!!” The blind lady shouts, as if to chastise her dog
He thinks to himself “this is great, I can blame the dog on my wind!” And lets out another fart
“Rover!!!!!” ...

Jean-Claude Van Damme is "the muscles from Brussels." Who are his kids?

Brussels sprouts.

Two long time friends, Ollie and Brock, woke up early for work as they always do.

They each got into their trucks and headed to the local Ag plant where they work as produce haulers.

"What do you have for us today Flower?" asked Brock as they walk in. Their secretary’s real name is Ava but they always jokingly call her Flower.

"Well we've got three shipments that a...

What's the most popular wine at Christmas?

I don't like brussel sprouts!!!

I submit to you, the only joke I have ever heard my father tell.

There are two trees in the forest; one a birch, one a beech. They have grown up together from saplings to fully grown trees. They always had a healthy rivalry going, arguing about everything from the weather to the composition of the soil. In their older years a little sapling started to sprout betw...

If a woman at a brothel accidentally gets pregnant and has a baby,

Is it a brothel sprout?

A Man Walks Into A Bar With A Duffle Bag

A man walks into a bar carrying a duffle bag and places it on the bar. He says "My son just turned 21 and I would like to buy him a drink!" The bartender looks around and asks "Where's the birthday boy?" The man unzips the duffle bag and pulls the head of a 21 year old man out of it. The bartender g...

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A woman goes to the doctor

the doctor says, "what seems to be the matter you need help with today."

She replies, "well, i have recently sprouted 10 additional breasts, and now have 12, you gotta help me doc."

the doc replies "wow, that definitely complicates things, dozen tit?"

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Jim's Birthday Hat

Jim's birthday was coming up, and as much as he enjoyed his birthday, he dreaded the obligations that came with it. Despite his vehement protests, his wife had arranged lunch with the whole family, including his witch of a mother-in-law. But Jim was a good man and said he'd be on his best behaviour....

Why didn't the trains at the station leave after the passengers boarded?

If they wanted to leave, they would have gone to the leavetion.



I apologize, it's a terrible joke. But I made it up on the spot and it caused my daughter to snort the bean sprout she was eating into her nose.

Support Bacteria

Now I don't do that, though. Now I merely go about my day. I hike to the Gardens, where the dogplants sprout up in bizarre shapes from the floor of the dogscape, and reach up to pluck the fetal puppyfruits right off the wagging, energetic branches. I bite into the succulent flesh, the juices dribbli...

Why are kids from the capital of Belgium always so tall?

Because people from Brussels sprout!

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An engineer, physicist, and mathematician are friends

One day, the engineer's house catches fire. He uses the fire extinguisher and puts it out.

A few days later, the physicist's house also catches fire. He uses a fire extinguisher as well, but calculates the hottest point of the fire and puts it out effectively.

A month goes by, and the ...

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Penis Problem

A man went out with his buddies for a night on the town, ending up in a house of ill repute.

A week later, he was at his doctor's office, complaining about the large green lump on the end of his penis.

After a thorough exam, the doctor consulted a large book, flicking through it until...

Two Mexican Brothers

So two brothers, Ramon and Emelio, escape from a prison deep in the Mexican desert. They run for days and days through the hot and and the heat begins to take its toll. They are getting hungrier and thirstier and, all in all, more and more exhausted.
Suddenly, Ramon collapses. He looks up, reach...

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Three guys are stuck on an island...

and they come across a magic lamp. One of the guys rubs the lamp and a genie pops out and says;

"since you freed me from this lamp Ill reward you all ... now jump off this cliff over here and shout the name of anything, and youll turn into it till you get home."

so the first guy jum...

What’s the best vegetable to clean your teeth with?

Brushles sprouts

My only good joke... my preacher mother told it to me

There was a birch tree and a beech tree in a meadow, and they hated each other. They were always trying one-up each other saying things like "My leaves are greener!" "My bark is tougher!" "I'm taller!" etc.

Well one day, a fine young sapling sprouted up in the meadow right between the birch t...

A couple has a baby boy born without a body... (A Two-Parter)

***
Part 1
***
After years of trying to conceive, a couple finally manages to have a baby. However, the baby is born with only a head, with no body, arms, or legs. Despite the setback, the couple set out to raise their child as they would any other.

After ten years of challenging ch...

Xmas Joke Help

Hi All,

So December 1st is upon us (in Australia at least) and that means that it is time for me to begin my annual tradition of posting daily status updates on facebook with terrible xmas jokes until xmas. An advent calendar of xmas cracker jokes if you will.

Anyway this is my third o...

A man with two heads goes to the doctor

and says “Doctor, I’ve sprouted another head, but the texture of the hair on my new head is totally different. I want both my heads to have the same hair texture - what do I do?” and the doctor says “on one, condition”

(this is an original joke I think)

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Roger the Living Head [Story Joke]

So there's this newly married couple, and they love each other quite a bit. So they decide they're going to have a child. Nine months goes by and it's time for the child to be delivered, but when the doctors pull the baby out, it is only a head. It's still crying and healthy, but it has no body besi...

"Just a Head"

So there was once a child and he had a terrible, terrible birth defect where he was only a head. On his 21st Birthday, his father took him to bar to get his first drink and of course the bodiless kid was excited to get drunk for the first time. The father places his son on the bar and orders him a b...

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A young boy wanted to become a farmer.

A young boy wanted to become a farmer. An established farm owner took the boy under his wing to teach him all that he knew. Once the boy finished his initial training, the owner gave the boy a very special seed.

“You must work hard, boy. If you water and fertilize this seed, and make sure ...

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Two Native Americans stand in front of a tipi

...gazing into the sun, a son with a father. The son, quietly and carefully, asks "father, just how did you come up with my name?"

"Well, my son, I look at the nature, what happens around me. See the sun on the glooming horizon? She is the reason your sister is called Setting-Sun."

"Ye...

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An old lady goes to the bank

An old lady goes to the bank with a briefcase full of cash. Not wanting to make their client deal with large amounts of money in public, the manager calls her into his office to deal with her personally.

"How much are you depositing today Mrs Green?"

"£200,000," she replies, opening t...

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Two guys named Bob are walking by a nuclear reactor.

Bob starts talking about how his great uncle twice removed worked at a nuclear plant and grew an extra arm.
Other Bob says, "well that would be awesome, I could use an extra arm."
Bob says, "oh, I think it could only happen to me, it's in my genetics."
Other Bob gets mad. "Bullshit, I could...

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Jack

A husband rushes into the emergency room from work to greet his wife who is giving birth to their first born. He helps all he can; he holds his wife's hand and breathes with her through the pain. The doctor claims to see the head. The husband runs around and watches as this bloody, mess of a human b...

A man has a son who was born as just a head

A man has a son who is literally just a head - no arms, legs, torso - just a head. On his son's 21st birthday, he takes him to a bar for his first drink.

"Bartender, can I have a rum and Coke for my son, please?"

The man gives his son a drink and he sprouts a torso.

"My God," th...

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NBC President Flies Into Rage After Network Fails to Produce Industry Minimum Ten Cop Shows‏

NEW YORK - During a staff meeting this week, NBC President of Entertainment Robert Greenblatt erupted into a profanity-laced tirade when he was informed that the network's new season of prime-time dramas and comedies failed to meet The Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers (AMPTP) requ...

What, do you call a paralyzed Dutchman getting an erection?

A Brussels sprout,

A lady goes to the doctor..

And the doctor prescribes testosterone. The lady was like, "Testosterone? That's a male hormone. Won't there be side effects?"

The doctor assures her that for her condition it's the right drug and the side effects will be minimal.

So she says okay, goes home and starts taking it. A fe...

A beech tree and a birch tree were best friends until...

A seedling sprouted up between them. The trees began arguing over whose spawn the seedling was:
"Son of a beech"

"Son of a birch"

"Son of a beech"

"Son of a birch"

Until a woodpecker flew over them and heard their argument. The woodpecker flew down and asked them why t...

MOOMFA!!!

So two male explorers are wandering on a foreign island and are suddenly both rendered unconscious. When they wake up, they find themselves tied up and sitting on the ground in front of some native people of the island.

One of the natives, which appears to be the chieftain, says something in...

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