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Faster Jokes

If light travels faster than the speed of sound

How come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother…

Sudden Lee

The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.”

A tachyon walks into a bar.

Hippos can swim and run faster than humans. What does this mean?

The bycicle is the only way to beat then in a triathlon.

What is faster than a calculator?

A Calcu-now.

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat

A shark could swim faster than me

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would be all come down to who is the better cyclist.

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch cold.

TIL, Hippos can run faster than humans on land and swimmer faster in water

But still you can defeat them in a triathlon as they don't know how to ride a bicycle

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Female masturbation is like preparing coffee.

You can grind your beans by hand, but it's easier and faster to just use a machine.

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I was traveling on a 10 hour flight and thought I'd have a quick chat to make time go by faster

So I turn towards the young person beside me.

Me: Hello, would you like to have a quick chat to make time go by quicker?

She: Sure. What do you want to talk about?

Me: So why don't we talk about Iran's Nuclear Program?

Then she goes "All right then" and puts down her cra...

Who is faster? Superman or the flash?

Umm. The cameraman?...

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A young man and his boss have to travel to a city 500 miles away. Due to cost cutting measures put in place by the boss, they take the train instead of the flight which was four hours faster.

As they entered their train compartment, the young man and the boss found themselves opposite to a gorgeous twenty something girl and her sixty year old looking mother.

Within a few minutes, the young man and the girl start giving quick glances at each other. After twenty minutes or so, the ...

Tuna must age about five times faster than humans.

This is supported by the fact that tuna half-hours are equal to 150 minutes.

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

I took the shell off my racing snail to help him go faster.

Didn't work. It actually made him more sluggish.

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Who gets married faster than anyone else?

Two horny christians.

How do you get a Ford F150 to go faster?

Get a few more guys to help push.

What's faster than the speed of light?

The speed of *how fast my wife jumps to conclusions*

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus...

A joke from my Mexican grandmother: What's faster? Lightning, light, or diarrhea?

Diarrhea.

Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.

Bartender says "we don't serve particles moving faster than the speed of light"

A tachyon walks into a war

Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother

Sudden Lee

I pulled the shell off of my snail to make him faster

Turned out it had the opposite effect, now he's a little sluggish.

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Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman...

He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around,...

Which one touches the ground faster, a feather or an emo kid?

The feather cuz the emo kid’s attached to a rope…

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If Biden unfucks any more of Trump's mistakes any faster...

There'll be no Ivanka and Jr. by Sunday.

I painted my computer black so it would run faster

Now it doesn't work.

Sleeping next to someone you love makes you fall asleep faster, reduces depression, reduces anxiety and helps you to live longer.

Until they start to fart in their sleep.

If she wants harder, I can go harder. If she wants faster, I can go faster.

But if she wants deeper, she better be talking about philosophy.

A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name

'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that h...

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I found a way to take faster poops

Quick, grab the vacuum cleaner, I will explain on the way.

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What do you call an Alabama girl who can run faster than her brothers?

A virgin.

A New Strain Spreading Faster Than COVID

Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports.

Scientists warn that a virulent strain of humans are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving researchers at a...

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Steve dates a girl for the first time

Unfortunately, he doesn't know anything about sex, so he fears that it could get serious

Desperate he asks his friend Tom, a real Casanova, for some tips

Tom thinks for a little bit and says:
"Alright, if you want to please a girl, its all about movement. Let's do an exercise!"
<...

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Blind Pilots

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.


Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and th...

What is faster Hot or cold?

Hot because you can catch a cold

(my teacher made this joke, and he isn't on reddit so I felt the impulse to share it)

A blonde was driving faster than the speed limit in her new red car.

A blonde was driving faster than the speed limit in her new red car. A police officer, who was also a blonde, asked for the blondes license.

The blonde searches through her purse and gets more frustrated when she finally asks the officer "what does it look like?"

The officer says "it...

Do you know what collapses faster than my life?

the Afghanistan government

I took a drug to make my brain run faster

I'm still stupid, *but in high speed*

"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos here" said the bartender.

A neutrino walked into a bar.

Did you hear that the US bobsled team put Donald Trump's picture on the front of the sled?

Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.

How do you get a Russian soldier to retreat faster?

Give him a full tank of gas

What's faster, milk or bread?

Milk because it's pasteurise before you see it

The cheetah is faster

Dandelion

I was walking behind a woman at 3 o'clock in the morning after a night out. She started walking faster, so I walked faster. She started running, so I started running. She started screaming, so I started screaming

I never did find out what we were running away from

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

What brand of RAM do you buy if you want your computer to go faster?

Dodge.

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Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

How do you make an art student’s car go faster?

Just remove the huge Dominoes sign on top!

Why does a pregnant horse run faster?

Because it has two horsepower.

A kid said he could run faster than a bullet.

His friend asked "How? You can barely run a block."

"It's simple, bullets don't run."

Left handed people die faster

Because they don't do things the right way.

Why are cars faster than motorcycles?

Because motorcycles are two tired.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

According to physics, light travels faster sound...

... If that's really the case though, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?

I make clothes faster than anyone

Call me Tailor Swift

How to get there faster

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their pl...

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A man is jogging in a park one day when he sees a 90+ y/o woman jogging faster than most people in the park.

She had frail white hair, weary eyes, freckles all over, and her face seemed hollow and bony. She looked quite thin, and was losing hair. He walks over to her, and says, "I noticed you jogging, and i must say, I'm quite impressed you've maintained yourself so well as to jog. Might i ask what's you s...

Why do we live in a society where pizza arrives faster than police do?

Because the pizza guy has consequences for not doing his job correctly.

"Oh damn, shots fired!"

But not by the pizza guy.

I tried to open a restaurant that offers faster seating to vegetarians...

But this created too many upset steakholders

Why are French snails faster than snails from other countries?

L’ess cargo.

My jokes travel faster than light.

I bet you didn't c that coming.

Only thing that spreads faster than COVID

among the elderly is good morning msgs.

What do you call a walking stick that makes you walk faster?

A hurricane

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Why do donkey trailers go faster when they're full?

Because they're hauling ass.

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Nothing ruins sex with a monkey faster than...

Remembering you work in an AIDS research lab.

What runs faster than a burglar with a TV?

His cousin with the DVD

Two UFC fighters bet each other $20 on who could recite their ABC’s faster

It was an alpha bet

I heard wired connections are faster...

So I poured some coffee on my router and now it's even slower...Do I need another java update?

There was a race to determine which was faster: Congress passing s bill, or a snail traveling 10 meters

The snail won by two weeks.

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I painted my computer black so it would run faster

Now it doesn't work

I painted it white and now the system is corrupt.

Painted it yellow and all the drivers crashed

Painted a vagina on it and now all it does is whine.

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Faster Firetruck

A firefighter is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a Firefighter's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The firefighter says "Hey, little girl,...

Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster:

Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster. Moses makes the water split and walks on dry land to the other side. Jesus tries to walk on water, but glug... glug... glug... he starts sinking. "What's the matter?" asks Jesus, "I walked on the water quite well 2000 years ago..." "Well," replie...

Why can British people lose weight faster?

Because every time they buy something, they lose some pounds!

How do you make people in the lane next to you go faster?

You activate your turn signal.

Donald Trump's speeches can travel faster than the speed of light

Cuz they contain no information

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