Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

The spread of the Coronavirus is based on two factors

1. How dense the population is
2. How dense the population is

My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties

Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?

Did you hear PBR is coming out with a new beer cheese spread?

Its called Pabst-Schmear

A New Strain Spreading Faster Than COVID

Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports.

Scientists warn that a virulent strain of humans are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving researchers at a...

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

I wear a mask. Not because I want to, but because it is considerate of others and helps stop the spread of particulates.

I also wear underwear. Not because I want to, but...

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Although COVID spreads mostly through the mouth & nose..

..scientists now conclude the greatest risk comes from assholes.

How did the British variant of Covid spread?

Through British airways.

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I really hope coronavirus can't spread through sex

It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.

Two nuns, who were in Africa to spread the gospel, ran out of gas with their jeep just outside a remote village they had visited.

One of the nuns remembered they had a small gas station of sorts in the village, so they decided to walk back and get some gas for their jeep. They couldn’t find any can in the car, but one of them grabbed a potty from their sanitary equipment and said it would suffice, and off they went. As they re...

A guy comes home with flowers for his wife. She says “I guess I’ll have to spread my legs now huh?” He says “....

Why?!? Don’t you have a vase?”

Earlier this year the World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot spread COVID-19. Dogs are not impacted by any lockdown, do not have to be held in quarantine and can be released.

WHO let the dogs out

Why are stars and galaxies spread throughout the universe?

Kosmosis.

How did COVID-19 spread in Hyrule?

Someone decided to eat a Keeseburger.

There were rumours spreading that Zeus has been cheating on his wife with other women

But it was all just Hera-say

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*Nsfw* The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

A Rabbi Wants to Spread Judaism with the World

A rabbi wants to spread Judaism with the world but isn’t sure where he would like to start. He decides he will spin a globe and randomly place his finger to stop it. He does this and lands in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The rabbi goes on a boat, and sails to the spot he chose. As it turns out, ...

I'm glad China only spread a virus and not a bear.

Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.

Everyone should be able to grasp the concept that COVID-19 spreads quickly.

Even the president gets it.

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.

The dentist said: "I think you have the wrong room!"

The old woman replied: "I'm in the right room alright..You put in my husband's teeth last week...Now you have to remove them!"

Trump dies and goes to hell..

... where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go,...

Marital expectations

Two women were out walking in the city. Suddenly one of them spots her husband across the street. She points at him and says ”Look, it’s Jim, and he’s got a big bouquet of flowers that he’ll come home with tonight. Damn, that means I’ll have to lay on my back, spread eagle all night.” Both women sha...

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In business news, the makers of "Utterly Butterly" have been knocked off their top spot as the UK's leading brand of dairy spread.

I can't believe they're not bitter.

A girl invites her best friend to her Birthday party

At her birthday party while everyone else is away and having fun her best friend eats her whole cake. They catch her and of course the birthday girl is upset, but she manages to calm down and act like everything is fine, deciding to get her revenge another time.

Then several months later it's...

So anyway i started spreading my positivity

Now i dont know why everyone else at the HIV test center is staring at me

Simpness has spread like a disease...

luckily, I don’t show no simp-toms.

This year is all about noticing things we should’ve done differently. Should’ve done more to stop the spread of the virus, police brutality, wildfires, climate change...but you know what they say about hindsight...

It’s 2020.

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To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.

This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.

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Did you guys hear the latest rumor on butter?

Well.......... I’m not gonna be the one who spreads it!

Did you hear the joke about the coronavirus?

I probably shouldn’t spread it.

Why did OBL divorce his wife?

Because when she spread her legs he saw Bush.

Corona Virus has spread to species of birds

It now infects bat man and robin

CDC now says that covid-19 isn't easily spread through surface touching

100 bucks says it's just so casinos can open

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My therapist told me that it's important to spread positivity.

Which has saved me a bunch of money on condoms.

I was at a hospital, talking to some patients.

I tried to lighten the mood with a coronavirus joke. Barely anyone reacted at first, but eventually everyone got it. However, the Chinese guy got it right off the bat. Some people have called my joke tasteless, however. It really killed the mood. But I bet the British variation of this joke will spr...

A Rabbi gets a message from God to travel and ...

Spread his message. So the Rabbi sets out on his donkey and after many day and nights he sees a signpost that says

"TRIDIA 100 miles"

The Rabbi had never heard of this place before so he decided to go there. As he got closer to the town he heard loud thumps in the distance. As he got ...

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The leaders of the free world gather to discuss the problems of a struggling nation

The French start: "The Age of Enlightenment started here. We'll help spread progressive ideas."

The Germans follow: "We have a very stable economy, we'll help lower national debt."

The Japanese join in: "Our scientist are the best in the world. We pledge to help battle the spreading di...

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Buttcheeks

At the top of the hour, little Adam asks the grade 3 teacher "Is 'buttcheeks' one word? ..... Or should I spread them?"

Before the teacher could snort, little Brian chips in: "I know, I know! There should always be a colon in the middle! Am I right? "

The teacher shakes her head: "Loo...

The real reason all the libraries are closing is not to help stop the spread of infection.

Its becuase after all the toilet paper was gone, people all started to check out the books with 1000+ pages

When I die i want my remains to be spread around Disneyland

But I dont want to be cremated.

Why China is arresting people for spreading misinformation?

Because spreading misinformation is government's job.

Then new Coronavirus is spread through human to human transmission.

Guess that means Reddit won't see a decline in users.

There was once a brilliant gastroenterologist.

There was once a brilliant **gastroenterologist** whose fame spread far and wide. He had the reputation of treating the worst of cases with best results. If nothing worked, his magical hand would.

But, this brilliant guy had a deep burning passion of his own. He had always wanted to be an aut...

Did you hear the one about the Angel that spread her legs instead of her wings....

Got an Organ instead of a harp😬

With this whole virus pandemic, I think it’s become clear we need to get rid of certain races for potentially spreading the virus.

Like the Tour de France for example. Too many people standing right next to each other. Can’t be too cautious these days...

Do not speak with your mouth full

I said to my daughter as she was chewing on a huge bite of spaghetti.

- You are not allowed to do that im the kindergarten as well.

- Well, sometimes we are allowed to

- When?

- When the kindergarten teachers don't notice


She's turning 5 tomorrow. Spread some l...

An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut and he tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if ...

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Is buttcheeks one word...

or should I spread them apart?

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What's the difference between a prostitute and Miracle Whip?

Miracle Whip is the bread spread, and a prostitute just spreads for bread.

With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..

“Made in China”

Two Gals were sitting at the corner talking ...

One saw her boyfriend coming up the street with a bunch of flowers.
"Oh great" she said. " Now I'll have to lay on my back with my legs spread all weekend."
Her friend replied "Why ? Don't you have a vase ?"

Analysts are now predicting an exact worldwide repeat of the COVID-19 spread 18 months from now and there is nothing we can do to prevent it

It will be 2022.

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A pathologist is teaching her class how to do autopsies

The students are taken to the morgue and once in there they are shown the corpse of a dead man. The cadaver is bloated and old, several traumatic wounds are visible, its skin is pale and dried and the faint smell of chemicals and rot emanates from him.

"To become a good pathologist you need t...

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After returning home from the Vietnam war, a general stands before three of his soldiers.

He says, “For your bravery and dedication, you will be greatly rewarded. This is what we’re going to do: choose any length of your body to be measured, and I will give you as many million dollars as feet the part you chose is long.”

The first soldier spreads his arms as much as he can and ask...

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A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

“What are you doing?” the man inquires.
“Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!”
“Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little...

Did you hear about the COVID-19 spreading like crazy in Italy?

Looks like it's being pasta around.

What do you call it when someone spreads germs all over your pizza?

Little Sneezers

Snakebite

Two buddies were riding their horses through the wilderness when they stopped by a creek to fill their canteens. While Joe crouched down, Clyde went downstream to take a leak.
"Tarantion!" Clyde shouted, "that there rattler done bit me on the weener!"
Joe shot the snake dead and told Clyde...

It’s recently been discovered coronavirus spreads fastest on pirate ships

It’s because they have a really high R number

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,"I need you to come over and help me with this jigsaw puzzle..."

Her boyfriend asks,"What's it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says"According to the picture on the box it's supposed to be a rooster."So her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. When she lets him in she takes him to the table where she has all the pieces sprea...

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A wake for my mother-in-law

Two rural gentlemen were chatting. One says, "Say, I noticed a lot of cars at your house on Saturday night. Were you having a party or something?"

"No," responds the second man. "Tragically last week one of my mules kicked my mother in law in the head, and she died suddenly"

"Oh, No!" ...

The other day I saw an event a local church was having at a dispensary where they were giving away donuts and spreading the Word of God

They called it Glaze It, Blaze It, and Praise It

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A man suddenly dies and is cremated...

The mortician not knowing what to do with the ashes contacts the man's last 3 lovers. All 3 were also men.

Upon arrival, the mortician take the 3 men into his office and asked, "please tell me what you would do with this man's ashes if I hand them over to you?"

The first man's says, "...

Rumours are spreading that Arnold Schwarzenegger is being cast in a Namor the Sub-Mariner film. It's not known who he will be playing...

But we can confirm that it's not Attuma.

Youth Slang

Kids are always coming up with the strangest slang. Remember "on fleek" or when "dank" stopped meaning dingy?

I was working as a counselor at a summer camp one year. The kids came up with a new one and proceeded to absolutely run it into the ground. One day in the cafeteria, one of the ner...

ALERT‼️‼️‼️ The corona virus can be spread through money.

If you have any money at home, put on some gloves, put all the money in a plastic bag and put it outside the front door tonight.
I'm collecting all the plastic bags tonight for safety. Think of your health.

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I asked my doctor if coronavirus spreads through sex

"if you do handshakes while doing it, yeah"

God is travelling around the world to spread his religon

He gets to India and asks the public, 'Will you take my commandments to be yours?' The public says no and decides to try elsewhere.

He gets to China and asks, 'Will you follow my commandments?' And the public replies no.

He gets to Israel and asks, 'Will you take my commandments?' The ...

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A man is flying on an airplane.

Several hours into the flight he needs to go to the bathroom, so he goes to the lavatories but they are all occupied and there's quite a queue. He waits for about 10 minutes until he literally cannot hold it any longer.

Just when he's about to burst he sees lady come out of the ladies room in...

Time to spread positivity!

Edit: Later today I was arrested and detained at the HIV clinic.

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A deaf and mute orphan in a small village...

...is found pregnant. The villagers cannot find any way to get the poor girl to help them find out what happened. As the girl is due to give birth, a nasty rumor begins to circulate among the folk: the preacher is to blame.

The preacher does not expect the villagers to care much for the vile ...

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven when an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went throu...

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With the spread of Coronavirus, many around the world appear to be developing Constipation:

Doctors say it is not a symptom of the disease, but rather an effect of the panic being incited by the disease. One doctor even proclaimed, "People seem to be Scared Shitless!"

My friend is spreading rumours about me being schizophrenic.

Well, three can play that game!

The coronavirus spreads like crazy.

Like your mom.

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Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

...."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."


The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it al...

I was on a camping trip when the coronavirus outbreak was announced. To try to stop the spread, we stayed in our tents all day. I guess you could say,

the camping trip was in tents.

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A Young Man Went to his Doctor for a Routine Checkup

When he came in for the results, the doctor said gravely “Tom, I think you’d better sit down. I’ve got some good news and some bad news.”

“All right doc” said Tom. “Give me the bad news first.”

“You’ve got cancer,” said the doctor. “Brain cancer. It’s spreading incredibly fast, it’s t...

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Snatch eating frog

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box, and it says: “Snatch Eating Frogs... $20 each (comes with instructions).”

She looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and ...

I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.

The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.

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A woman goes to the OBGYN and lies on the table

When she spreads her legs she hears:

Doctor: Wow, that's some big vagina.

Doctor: Wow, that's some big vagina.

Patient: Ok, you don't really need to repeat it.

Doctor: Sorry, it wasn't me. It was the echo.

I'm really trying to spread positivity

But once I test positive I'm told not to spread it

I hope this virus doesn't spread to Antarctica...

I heard the local populous couldn't fly out of there even if they wanted to.

Due to the global pandemic disease, which spreads quickly and is potential fatal, many cities have canceled the St. Patrick's day parade.

Columbus Day celebrations will continue as scheduled

Morbid COVID-19 puns have spread everywhere considering what's going on. So have some patience.

They should start to die in a week or so.

As Covid19 winds down, another virus is spreading like wildfire

Covid19 may be winding down, but a brand new virus, the ID10t virus, is spreading like wildfire.
Symptoms of the ID10t virus include mental and comprehension issues. Symptoms include schitzophasia, a condition where words are misunderstood. A victim may hear or read a words like "baking soda" a...

Word is Trump is trying to downplay the severity of the potential coronavirus spread in the US

Basically he’s trying to covid
It up.

making a baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door ...

What do you call a person who spreads flu?

Influenzer

Only thing that spreads faster than COVID

among the elderly is good morning msgs.

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In the recreation room of a psychiatric hospital, there were three patients

...named Jimmy, Freddy, and Sonny. The doctor visited them to check if their condition has improved and if they're ready to be discharged.

He first went to Jimmy. Jimmy was writing something on a notebook. He asked "What are you doing, Jimmy?" Jimmy replied "I'm writing a poem, doctor." The...

The best way to stop Covid-19 spreading...

Would be to post it in *new

Some people think that jokes about how easily coronavirus spreads are funny

but personally I think they R0

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

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Superman was flying over metropolis and thought "Man, I am horny af."

Just then he saw Wonder Woman on top of a building getting a tan. Asshole naked with her legs spread wide open. Superman thought, " I can fly down there, get some of that Wonder pussy and fly away before she even knows." So he flies down, gets it in, gets off, and flies away. All in under a second. ...

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Los Angeles Sherriff just recently ordered gun shops and strip clubs to close as they are deemed nonessential business as protection from spreading COVID19.

Good. I still have my Sex Pistols. Stay safe.

There was a south pacific island village...

Far away in the south pacific, there once was an island village with the custom of electing a new chief every year. By tradition, the laborers of the village would work for months every year to create a giant, ornate bamboo throne for each new chief.

The thrones from previous chiefs began to...

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A man goes to the doctor and asks to be castrated.

The doctor is very surprised at this. “Are you sure?!”

“Yes,” said the man. “I’ve thought about it, long and hard, and I’ve decided I want to do it.”

“But are you sure you’ve thought this through?!” the doctor continued. “This will have a huge impact on important aspects of your life i...

COVID-19 is like Pasta

Asians invented it, Italians spread it.

I use geese to spread the right political messages

It's a proper gander

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Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth....

Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth

Covid Denier 1: So there was no such thing as covid, right? I died of lung cancer or something!

God: No, Covid is real, you died of covid just like the Doctors said.
...

Thanksgiving will be extra special this year

Because people will be spreading diseases to each other, just like in the original.

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night before christmas (covid edition)

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse,

Do you know why? Because none of us were

allowed out,

Looked out into the street and no Christmas decorations about,

Looked out of the window, what did I s...

If I spread the influenza to a group of people

Does that make me an influen-cer?

To prevent spreading coronavirus, Aha's Morten Harket doesn't physically kiss people.

He just get close to them and says "moi,


which is a different take on me

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Have you heard the rumor about butter?

Never mind. I shouldn't "spread" it!

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God decides to spread his word

so he goes around the nations. He gets to the americans and tries to give a commandment to an american he meets.
God: "Can I intrest you in a commandment?"
American: "What does it say?"
God: "Thou shalt not kill."
American: "In USA we kill to settle disputes. Murder, execution; that's ho...

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