Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors

1. How dense the population is
2. How dense the population is

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I really hope coronavirus can't spread through sex

It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.

I wear a mask. Not because I want to, but because it is considerate of others and helps stop the spread of particulates.

I also wear underwear. Not because I want to, but...

A Rabbi Wants to Spread Judaism with the World

A rabbi wants to spread Judaism with the world but isn’t sure where he would like to start. He decides he will spin a globe and randomly place his finger to stop it. He does this and lands in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The rabbi goes on a boat, and sails to the spot he chose. As it turns out, ...

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.

The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

I'm glad China only spread a virus and not a bear.

Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.

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Superman is flying around Metropolis and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing on a rooftop, buck naked, spread eagle...

Superman says, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can swoop down, get some, and be gone before she notices anything happened." Soon after he's gone, a startled Wonder Woman yells, "what the he'll was that???" And the invisible man says, "I don't know, but my ass is killing me!"

When I die i want my remains to be spread around Disneyland

But I dont want to be cremated.

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business.

His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"

"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about Blue...

Corona Virus has spread to species of birds

It now infects bat man and robin

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My therapist told me that it's important to spread positivity.

Which has saved me a bunch of money on condoms.

CDC now says that covid-19 isn't easily spread through surface touching

100 bucks says it's just so casinos can open

Did you hear the one about the Angel that spread her legs instead of her wings....

Got an Organ instead of a harp😬

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To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.

This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

Analysts are now predicting an exact worldwide repeat of the COVID-19 spread 18 months from now and there is nothing we can do to prevent it

It will be 2022.

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After returning home from the Vietnam war, a general stands before three of his soldiers.

He says, “For your bravery and dedication, you will be greatly rewarded. This is what we’re going to do: choose any length of your body to be measured, and I will give you as many million dollars as feet the part you chose is long.”

The first soldier spreads his arms as much as he can and ask...

The other day I saw an event a local church was having at a dispensary where they were giving away donuts and spreading the Word of God

They called it Glaze It, Blaze It, and Praise It

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Is buttcheeks one word...

or should I spread them apart?

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he ...

The real reason all the libraries are closing is not to help stop the spread of infection.

Its becuase after all the toilet paper was gone, people all started to check out the books with 1000+ pages

It’s recently been discovered coronavirus spreads fastest on pirate ships

It’s because they have a really high R number

With this whole virus pandemic, I think it’s become clear we need to get rid of certain races for potentially spreading the virus.

Like the Tour de France for example. Too many people standing right next to each other. Can’t be too cautious these days...

Why China is arresting people for spreading misinformation?

Because spreading misinformation is government's job.

What do you call it when someone spreads germs all over your pizza?

Little Sneezers

Then new Coronavirus is spread through human to human transmission.

Guess that means Reddit won't see a decline in users.

With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..

“Made in China”

Did you hear about the COVID-19 spreading like crazy in Italy?

Looks like it's being pasta around.

Time to spread positivity!

Edit: Later today I was arrested and detained at the HIV clinic.

I was on a camping trip when the coronavirus outbreak was announced. To try to stop the spread, we stayed in our tents all day. I guess you could say,

the camping trip was in tents.

The coronavirus was spread by.....

Chinese hackers.

ALERT‼️‼️‼️ The corona virus can be spread through money.

If you have any money at home, put on some gloves, put all the money in a plastic bag and put it outside the front door tonight.
I'm collecting all the plastic bags tonight for safety. Think of your health.

Attention: The chemical CHCl3 has been proven to reduce the spread of COVID-19.

So before you leave your home to engage in risky behavior, make sure you soak your mask in chloroform.

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Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

...."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."


The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it al...

From a 30 year old memory of a joke someone's grandfather told.

Brad's first year away at university was a lot of partying and paying for his friend's. He quickly runs out of money. His father would not be pleased with his wastefulness, so Brad sends him a message stating he has a professor that can teach his father's dog how to read and write for a bargain pric...

As Covid19 winds down, another virus is spreading like wildfire

Covid19 may be winding down, but a brand new virus, the ID10t virus, is spreading like wildfire.
Symptoms of the ID10t virus include mental and comprehension issues. Symptoms include schitzophasia, a condition where words are misunderstood. A victim may hear or read a words like "baking soda" a...

God is travelling around the world to spread his religon

He gets to India and asks the public, 'Will you take my commandments to be yours?' The public says no and decides to try elsewhere.

He gets to China and asks, 'Will you follow my commandments?' And the public replies no.

He gets to Israel and asks, 'Will you take my commandments?' The ...

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I asked my doctor if coronavirus spreads through sex

"if you do handshakes while doing it, yeah"

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With the spread of Coronavirus, many around the world appear to be developing Constipation:

Doctors say it is not a symptom of the disease, but rather an effect of the panic being incited by the disease. One doctor even proclaimed, "People seem to be Scared Shitless!"

What's the difference between COVID-19 and your mom?

COVID-19 doesn't spread *nearly* as fast.

I hope this virus doesn't spread to Antarctica...

I heard the local populous couldn't fly out of there even if they wanted to.

I'm really trying to spread positivity

But once I test positive I'm told not to spread it

The best way to stop Covid-19 spreading...

Would be to post it in *new

Morbid COVID-19 puns have spread everywhere considering what's going on. So have some patience.

They should start to die in a week or so.

Due to the global pandemic disease, which spreads quickly and is potential fatal, many cities have canceled the St. Patrick's day parade.

Columbus Day celebrations will continue as scheduled

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A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

“What are you doing?” the man inquires.
“Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!”
“Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little...

What do you call white chocolate hazelnut spread?

Nut-ella (I’m sorry I’m terrible at jokes)

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Superman is flying around the world, bored out of his mind, looking for some excitement...

As he zips past the beaches of Brazil, he looks down and sees Wonder Woman, completely naked, legs spread, laying on her back catching a tan.

At that moment, he thinks to himself how long it’s been since he last got laid. He then says to himself, “I’m Superman! I can fly down there in a split...

An old cowboy walks into a bar…

...bershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When the barber...

Only thing that spreads faster than COVID

among the elderly is good morning msgs.

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Los Angeles Sherriff just recently ordered gun shops and strip clubs to close as they are deemed nonessential business as protection from spreading COVID19.

Good. I still have my Sex Pistols. Stay safe.

Word is Trump is trying to downplay the severity of the potential coronavirus spread in the US

Basically he’s trying to covid
It up.

Some people think that jokes about how easily coronavirus spreads are funny

but personally I think they R0

I like my girls how I like my Covid.

19 and easily spread.

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A fat man goes to a unique Health Centre that advertises weight loss and sex.

Intrigued by the ad, he goes in and asks the receptionist what this is all about.
She replies 'Well sir, it's exactly as we said, we have several formula and you can lose weight and have sex'
'Oh my' he says 'Let me try the first option then'
'Fair enough, that will be the door on your l...

COVID-19 is like Pasta

Asians invented it, Italians spread it.

With all this tension between Iran and America and possible war a lot misinformation can be spread so I just wanted to remind everyone who shot first

Han.

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Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck.

Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday’s droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants and did his business in the exact same spot in hopes of seeing how many flies he could gathe...

To prevent spreading coronavirus, Aha's Morten Harket doesn't physically kiss people.

He just get close to them and says "moi,


which is a different take on me

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A woman goes to a gynaecologist...

... and she’s lying there with her legs spread wide while the gynaecologist quietly examines her.

She says “is everything ok down there?”

The gynaecologist says “I’ve never seen such an enormous vagina, enormous vagina!”

Perturbed, the woman says “You don’t have to say it twice....

What do you call a person who spreads flu?

Influenzer

Coronavirus has now spread to North Korea.

Like his father, their leader is now Kim Jong ill.

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A wife asks her husband....

A wife asks her husband "Honey, what do you want for breakfast?"

Husband: " I want sex" and he starts fucking her, finishes, and goes out for some errand.

...

Time passes by and its noon and the wife comes to her husband again.

Wife: "Honey, what do you want for lunch?...

A new disease in France turns people into bread.

French authorities are unable to contain the spread, and the disease begins to make its way through Europe and to the rest of the world.

It's a paindemic.

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827."

Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the prev...

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A boy and his dog

A young man walks into a bar, followed closely by a large ball of black hair. The bartender looks at him and says "We dont allow dogs in here!"

The young man responds, "That's not a dog, it's a wooleybugger."

"What's a woolybugger?" quips the bartender.

"Come outside and I'll s...

I'm scared of 5G

It will only allow idiots to spread their conspiracy theories faster.

If I spread the influenza to a group of people

Does that make me an influen-cer?

Flowers

On Valentine’s Day I came home with a dozen roses for my wife. She looked at me and said “so I guess you want me to spread my legs now?”

I said, “well, I kinda thought we’d put them in a vase.”

A well known rule of three

Long ago, on a different geometric planet, there were many perfectly triangular lakes. On each lake were three kingdoms, each presided over by a trio of higher beings. One particular lake has an interesting story. Though the kingdoms on it started out peacefully, each settling their dispute with ano...

I use geese to spread the right political messages

It's a proper gander

Why do anti-vaccine ideas spread?

They go viral.

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An old hillbilly has a beautiful young bride.

One day a salesman comes to his door selling rabbits. "That's a mighty fine looking rabbit you have there," says the old man. "How much do you want for it?"

"This one sells for 20 bucks," says the salesman.

"That's mighty expensive for a rabbit," says the hillbilly. "Tell you what, my ...

Just saw a color at the paint store called "Thot".

It's not too bright but it spreads easily.

My friend is spreading rumours about me being schizophrenic.

Well, three can play that game!

I have a joke about COVID

But I’m trying not to spreading it

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Coronavirus is just like pasta...

Chinese invented it,

Italians perfected it, spread it throughout the world,

Americans fucked it all up.

I though someone was spreading malignant rumours about me...

Turns out my doctor just has messy handwriting.

I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.

The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.

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A wake for my mother-in-law

Two rural gentlemen were chatting. One says, "Say, I noticed a lot of cars at your house on Saturday night. Were you having a party or something?"

"No," responds the second man. "Tragically last week one of my mules kicked my mother in law in the head, and she died suddenly"

"Oh, No!...

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Your asshole and COVID-19 have at least one thing in common...

The odds of you making a rushed visit to the hospital increases the more they're spread.

Little Johnny gets caught playing doctor with the neighbour girl.

Dad doesn’t approve thinking Johnny is on track to knock up a young teen in a few years.
“Johnny, you know that girls have teeth down there?
“What, are you lying?”
“Nope, you need to keep clear of that business son”

Years later in high school Johnny starts dating a girl but after s...

Herman Cain is going to find out about the Coronavirus 5x5x5 plan.

Positive test within 5 days of TrumpRallyTulsa

He spread Coronavirus to least 5 of his friends

He only has 5 minutes left of his 15 minutes of fame

I would tell a joke about COVID-19...

but you all would just spread it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the rumor about butter ?

Well, I''m not going to spread it

A man gets a bouquet of flowers for his wife.

The wife asks him “Now I got to spread my legs?”. He replies “Why? Don’t we have a vase?”

Taxi driver picks up a hooker. They arrive at her destination & she confesses she doesn’t have any money. She says “Will this do?”

Cabbie looks in his rear view mirror & sees the hooker spreading her legs with no panties on & he says “Got anything smaller?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Technological man walks into a bar

A nice looking man in his 40s walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a beer and as he’s drinking it, a phone rings and the man looks at his bare arm and taps on it and begins speaking to someone through his fingers.

The bartender waits for him to finish talking and asks “holy shit, were yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once lived the most beautiful woman any man had ever seen. Unfortunately, a jealous old witch put a spell on the woman:

For the rest of her life, a tiny gremlin would live inside her vagina, and bite the dick off of any man who tried to lay with her.

Several suitors had tried and failed, always losing their precious member to the gremlin.

Finally one day a cunning young man decided to give it a go. W...

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him ve...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and approaches an attractive woman sitting by herself.....

"May I buy you a cocktail?" He asks

"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."

"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

"No, they spread!"

My friend told me

she has a hairy ass, but it's a secret.

So don't spread it!

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

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God decides to spread his word

so he goes around the nations. He gets to the americans and tries to give a commandment to an american he meets.
God: "Can I intrest you in a commandment?"
American: "What does it say?"
God: "Thou shalt not kill."
American: "In USA we kill to settle disputes. Murder, execution; that's ho...

Yo mama is like the coronavirus

She keeps trying to spread, but nobody wants her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between butter and the corona virus?

Corona actually spreads

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So a Bartender, a Priest, and an Anti-Lockdown protester walk into a bar... [LONG]

Ok, not a bar, because the bars are all closed. But I digress. So they walk into... I dunno, Wal-Mart, Whatever. Turns out all three know each other and start talking about the lockdown and how it has been affecting them.

The Bartender started by lamenting the loss of their income and social ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ladder to success

A guy is wandering through the woods on a trail he's been through many times before when he notices a ladder in the middle of the trail stretching up farther than he can see.

He's never seen this before so he says to himself "fuck it lets see where this goes"

He begins his acsent climb...

Some words sounding similar can be confusing. For example, Entropy and Atrophy.

Entropy is simply a measure of how much the energy of atoms and molecules become more spread out in a process and can be defined in terms of statistical probabilities, whereas Atrophy, is what you get if you win something.

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

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