UPJOKE
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Grown Up Jokes

Little Johnny told his parent "I'm a grown up now, I am ready to live by myself"

His parent, being very proud of their son, said "Well that's great! We have no reason to stop you"

To which he replied "Awesome! Your luggage is at the front door"

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Three year old and five year old little brothers talking about how they can feel grown up....

The oldest boy says, “I know, we’ll say cuss words.”

First, 3 year old says “I know what I’ll do—I’ll say ‘fuckin’.”

The eldest responds, “I know what I’ll say. You bet your sweet ass.”

They go down stairs for breakfast, and the bright eyed mother says “what do my sweet little b...

A teacher is trying to persuade the kids to buy a copy of the class' group picture:

“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.”

A small voice at the back of the room rang out: “And there’s our teacher, she’s dead.”

In Germany the grown ups are kind...

...but the children are kinder.

Sam 'n' Eric decide to be more grown up by cursing...

Their mother wakes them for breakfast, and asks them what they want to eat.
Sam says "Aw, hell, gimme some Cheerios."
Furious, his mother backhands him across the kitchen, turns to Eric and asks "What do *you* want to eat?"
Eric stammers "I-I-I dunno, but it sure ain't gonna be n...

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How to be a grown up at work?

Always smile and replace "fuck you" with "OK great"

My mate just watched the Chernobyl documentary and, having grown up in Ukraine in the 1980s, he was pretty mad.

And I get it, too. He counted at least eight historical inaccuracies on one hand.

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Jack and Jill have grown up.

They've graduated from college, and got a job at the same company. One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The problem is he hired them at the same time, a...

How do you know that you have grown up?

You are walking in the road and the priests don't even see you

What do you call a manager that hasn't grown up yet?

A kidager

Kids these days are way more grown up at an early age then when I was a kid. What we need is a way to...

Youthenize them.

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All You Nice People Can Board the Train

This is the first "grown up joke" I remember an adult telling me as a kid:


A little boy was playing with his toy train on the floor. He pulled the train around the track and stopped at the little station.

"Coo Choo! All you bastards who want off the train, get off the train. All...

My daughter felt really grown up watching Turning Red.

It was her first period film.

It sucks being a grown up.

Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.

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It's the first day of 3rd grade...

Their teacher wanted them to behave more grown up since they were no longer in second grade.

As such, the teacher told them to use grownup words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.

Susie went first and said she went to see her Nana....

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Comrade Nichiporuk is interrogated by the KGB

An oldie but a goodie:


So, an old peasant named Mykola Nichiporuk is summoned to the KGB. The KGB officer in charge of his interrogation asks, "Comrade Nichiporuk, we have received information that you are receiving money orders from Israel. Why is that?"

Mykola explains, "Well, du...

What do you call a hillbilly after he is all grown up?

A mountain goat of course!

I submit to you, the only joke I have ever heard my father tell.

There are two trees in the forest; one a birch, one a beech. They have grown up together from saplings to fully grown trees. They always had a healthy rivalry going, arguing about everything from the weather to the composition of the soil. In their older years a little sapling started to sprout betw...

Little Benny was very sick, and the doctors had given up hope.

As a last present, his parents brought him to Arabia on a trip. While they were walking through a market, little Benny bought a lamp from a vendor.

When he arrived home, he rubbed the lamp to clean it, and, to his surprise, a genie popped out in a flash of light.

"What is it that you ...

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A teacher says to her first grade class

"Alright kids, from now on, we must use grown up words. Now Tommy, what did you do this weekend?"

"I rode on a Choo-Choo", said Tommy

"No Tommy, you rode on a train, please use more grown-up words. Now Jacky, what did you do this weekend?"
"I played with my woof woof", said Jacky...

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A guys goes in a confessional

Guy: Father, I've been a family man all my life. I've been married 53 years to the woman I have loved from the first time I saw her. She's the first woman I have been with, we have 3 great children, all grown up now, 5 grandchildren, the light of my eyes. I've been happy, I have lived a perfect life...

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What's the difference between a mechanic and a priest?

The mechanic waits til you've grown up to fuck you.

Doctor has a question.

He asks if I'd like to be a kidney donor. I tell him "Doc, I'm all grown up now. I have adult knees, I don't think that'll work."

Redneck

Having grown up in a small Alabama town, my friend James couldn’t wait to tell us all about life in California, where he was stationed.

"The malls are massive, and the restaurants are great," he said. Then he grinned. "I even went to a topless bar."

"Really?" said his mother, surprised...

What is marriage like?

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "My son is almost grown up now. Over the weekend he asked me what marriage is like," he tells the bartender. "So, what did you tell him?" the bartender asks. "I told him, 'It's fine.' And then I gave him the silent treatment for three days."

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The Cheerios

Twins, Johnny and Billy are turning 13 next week and so they were discussing growing up.

“Since we are gonna be grown up now we should be able to curse”

Johnny says “Ok Billy you say Shit and I’ll say Ass.”

So they head downstairs for breakfast ready for the day.

Their M...

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What's the deal with 'adult toys'?

I mean they always refer to things you can shove up your asshole, but never like a big race car for grown ups!

No place like home...

Tom had lived in New York City for 30 years now. As he looked out the window of his office suite, he realized it was Christmas Eve.

He had been so absorbed with the company business and without a family of his own, had really not been paying attention to the holidays. As he stared at t...

A woman enters the veterinarian's office with a large male Rottweiler.

The vet asks, " How can we help you today?"

The woman says, "My dog is all grown up now, and has started humping everything he can for hours on end day after day."

The vet asks, " Ahhh, ok so you want to set up an appointment to have him neutered?"

The woman responds, "No no, ju...

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A boy turns 14 and asks his dad if he could have a car as his present.

Dad asks "Can your d reach yor a* hole?" The boy stretches as much as possible, but doesn't make it.
"No, dad, it doesn't" he replies. Dad says " Well, you're not grown up enough for a car. Let's see again next year." The boy turns 15 and asks his dad for the same present. Dad asks "Can your d ...

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During class

A teacher asks her young students what their favourite toys are.

"Mine's a choo-choo train!" shouts one student.

"Very good, but let's please use big people words." says the teacher.

"Mine's a dolly!" shouts a little girl.

"You mean a doll. Grown up words, please."
...

Pokémon Go

Yesterday evening my little brother came home all sad and angry. I asked him what happened and apparently a group of kids was mad at him because he beat their gym at the park nearby.

“Don’t you dare to come here ever again or we’ll beat you down!” they threatened.

I took my phone and w...

A Canadian couple takes their pet polar bear to Antarctica

Years ago, a couple in Canada found an abandoned polar bear cub and decided to adopt and raise it themselves. By the time the bear was grown up, it had become very tame, very friendly, and rather jovial.

Life with a pet polar bear turned out to be pretty fun, but one problem was that takin...

It tells you something about a school system

When grown up people need days to count some paper slips.

there was a family of moles-

Mum, dad and little mole jnr. They were digging their way home after a hard day's mole-ing, all hunched up in a tunnel. Dad at the front, digging hard, mum close behind, and at the back was jnr. Suddenly jnr says "mummy, I can smell treacle!"

Mum tells Dad - " eerm, Junior says he can smell t...

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[NSFW] Little Johnny asked his grandfather if he could have a cookie from the cookie jar

Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?”

Johnny: “No.”

Grandfather: “Then no cookies for you.”

A number of years later, when Johnny had grown up and was visiting his grandfather again, he asked, “Hey, can I have a beer?”

Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?”>...

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Pete met a French girl

Pete grown up in a faraway suburb, however, he was lucky, he got hired by a big company in the downtown area.

On his first day to work, he met a French exchange colleague, he instantly had a crush on her. But he kept silent all the time about it.

It was the Bastille Day, the Fr...

Three guys die and go to The Gates.

Since they're three grown up men, St Peter asks them what they want their families to say at their wakes.

First guy : I want them to say that I was a great surgeon, one of the best. That I was a loving father, and that I will be missed.

Second guy : Well, I want them to every good memo...

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A wife said to her husband:

-- Our boy has grown up, it's time to tell him about sex. Please don't tell it all at once: explain it to him using examples of birds, fish, dogs.

The husband approached his son and said:

-- I fuck your mother...

Name one truth you've learnt after growing up

Grown ups are good at lying

Unshakable Fact # 1

A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing them.

I saw my uncle on Tinder

Obviously I swiped left. He's not going to be in to me now that I'm all grown up.

A young boys and his mother are waiting in the line in McDonald.

Suddenly the boy shouts:

\- "Mom, I want to pee."

The mother takes him to the toilet and tells him:

\- "You are a grown up boy. Don't say you want to pee, again! Instead, tell me that you want to whistle then I will take you to the toilet".

Now, it's night and the moth...

A girl named Darling had a particularly rough childhood because of her uncommon name.

Darling always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, after she had grown up and was married, she realized that the teasing actually made her stronger, and that having a unique name was actually a good thing.

So, when her first child was born, she talked her husband into naming...

A boy goes to the circus

and one of the sideshows is a tent that says "Man Who Remembers Everything." Intrigued, the boy goes inside and sees an old Native American man sitting on the ground. He approaches the man and asks, "If you remember everything, what did you have for breakfast exactly three weeks ago?"

Without...

A salesperson calls a home and the phone is answered by a softly spoken little girl, so quiet she’s hard to hear.

“Hello little girl, can I speak with your mommy?”
“No. She’s busy”.

“Sorry? Did you say she’s busy? Well could I speak with your daddy?”
“No. He’s busy too”.

“Is there anyone else there?”
“Yes, my aunty and uncle”.
“Could I speak with one of them?”
“No. They’re...

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My first time posting a joke here. I first heard this one as a teenager and I've been telling it for at least 35 years now. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. It's a long one, so be ready.

There once was a young, newlywed couple who just arrived in their honeymoon suite after a wonderful day spent celebrating their union with family and friends. The newlyweds, having both grown up in very sheltered homes, had no experience in the matters of sex and had pledged to one another to wait u...

Can you explain this strange adoption joke?

A close friend of mine who is my eldest daughter's godmother just posted a very strange joke that references adoption. There must be something to this joke that I am completely missing. Thirty people have gone wild over this and I don't get it. My friend can't possibly be saying something offensive ...

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“This is good!”

Once there was a king. His best friend was a commoner, a man who was the son of one of the royal housekeepers. They were of an age, and had grown up playing together in the palace gardens.

As they grew older, the king found himself more and more impressed with his friend’s ability to always ...

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A news reporter goes to see a Jewish man who has been going to the western wall in Israel to pray once a day for 70 years

the reporter goes up to him and says, "hello I"m a reporter for the BBC and we know you"re quite famous around this wall so we were wondering if we could ask you a few questions." The man agrees and she asks, "so we were wondering; what have you actually been praying for all of these years?"The man ...

Bubbles in bathtub

Old joke, repost:

A new lady teacher came to teach students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and a hobby.

She said, Lets start first with boys.

Boys start giving their intro...

First boy: My name is...

There were these 2 sisters

There were these 2 sisters named Lee and Ling. Now, when they were very young, their mother died, leaving them with only their names and their single father. Their father loved them very much and in all these years hadn't gotten over their mother. This made him very very overprotective of his daught...

the importance of aim

so there were these twins who had grown up with a relatively religious christian upbringing. good kids, loved playing golf for fun. now, these twins tried acid in college and had super opposite reactions - one became atheistic and the other joined the clergy. however, as time passed they both still ...

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A guy and his family are on safari...

And they're traveling across Africa. they see the Giraffes, in all their majestic awkwardness, and they see the lions, with their intimidating beauty. The family then comes upon a herd of Elephants, and the child notices that one of the baby elephants is standing with his paw in the air, like he's i...

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I’m not a little boy any more

On a boys birthday he says to his mother I’m not a little boy anymore, the mother nods and understands.

Well, the mother says for dinner I guess you don’t want chicken nuggets anymore.

No, no, no, says the boy but instead I can have a grown up knife and fork.

Well, the mother s...

Two old men finally retire...

They've had a hard life, both widowed many years ago and their children have all grown up and gone their own way. They decide that it would be INCREDIBLE to have a night on the town like the old days, a proper guys night out. They draw their final paychecks and proceed to get motherlessly drunk in a...

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