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Lady Friend Jokes

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Me while talking to a lady friend :

Me : Hey, i read about this the other day ; did you know that 80% of women masturbate in the shower? Do you know what the other 20% do?

Her : No, what?

Me : Yea, I figured you were in the first group

Sean Connery was making a tennis date with a lady friend.

He asks her "what time would you like to meet?"

She says "Tennish"

He says, "I know but what time?"

I brought my lady friend some toilet paper yesterday.

It's clear she finally found her Prince Charmin.

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A guy is giving his lady friend oral pleasure.

He goes to town and feels something on his tongue. He pulls it out, it's a noodle. He thinks to himself that's weird and goes back in. A minute later, he pulls out a piece of carrot. He says to the woman, "are you sick or something?" She says, "no, but the last guy was."

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I asked my lady friend if she was in the mood for some sex. She was tired, though and said “I don’t think I have it in me.”

I said: "you definitely don't have it in you but we can change that."

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Two Lady Friends Talking

Friend One: So, tell me, girl, how about your new boyfriend?

Friend Two: I can’t stand it anymore. All he does is to think about sex, sex, sex.

Friend One: Wow, I would never picture him as being such a performer.

Friend Two: No, no, all he does is to *think*!

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This lady friend got really mad at me for giving her a compliment

So I was hanging out with a friend of mine and she has been in a dark place lately. I thought I’d be nice and give her a compliment. Then all of a sudden the slaps me and leaves. Just like that.

I don’t really understand why she would do that. We’ve been friends for a while now and she is sup...

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A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one like" The manager groaned an...

My lady friend was thinking of smuggling some Mexican Romaine into the US due to the outbreak.

It's not a terrible idea, but I'm afraid that if she's caught they'll have to Caesar at the border.

Ted Bundy was out one day having a lovely stroll with a lady friend.

They were walking through a gorgeous, secluded forest. After walking a while the sun was setting and it began to get dark.

The young lady turned to Ted and said, 'It's starting to look creepy here, I'm scared'.

Ted looked at her astonished and replied 'You're scared? How do you think ...

Two young lady friends hadn't seen each other in a long time and decided to meet for lunch. Their conversation got around to their respective love lives.

Marcy confessed there really wasn't anyone in her life at the moment. Heather started smiling like crazy when talking about her new beau. "He's perfect. He's so sweet. Then last night he said those four little words I've been waiting to hear."

"What? He asked you to marry him?" Marcy asked.<...

I asked a lady friend if she fancied coming around and sharing a dried exotic fruit..

She said it sounds like a date

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The Black Bra

Three lady friends had their weekly lunch together. One is engaged, one is a mistress and the third has been married for 20+ years. They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes....

Once, there was a snake named Nathan...

All of his friends, however, called him Nate.
One day, Nate was slithering along the middle of the road, when he came across a large lever, placed directly in the middle of the road.
On this large lever, someone had placed a sign that read, “Do Not Pull Lever: THE WORLD WILL END!!!”
As Nate...

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Bob walks into multichoice brothel…

Bob pays ÂŁ100 for his lady friend for the evening.
Madame takes money and says…

‘how do you like your tarts breasts? Thin breasts, medium breasts, thick breasts’

‘Medium breasts’ says Bob and walks through the door with the ‘medium breasts’ sign on it.

Madame appears aga...

So Abraham Lincoln and James Booth walk into a bar.

Booth (a mathematician) tells Lincoln, we’ve been coming here to speed date for 5 years now and only picked up an average of 2.857 lady friends. Lincoln thinks for a moment and replies, well, at that pace, we will have four scores in seven years....

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An old man lives in a retirement home

Unfortunately, he often would feel lonely, so he decided to enter into a casual relationship with a lady friend who lived a few rooms over. Seeing as how they were both super old, neither had much of a sex drive, nor the physical prowess required to engage in the act of love-making. Instead, some ni...

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Little Johnny

Little Johnny was on the bus headed to school one day and sitting by his best lady friend, Janey.

Being curious children, Janey couldn't handle her curiosity any more and finally asked Johnny, "Johnny, what's a penis?"

Johnny, being young and just as innocent, replied, "I don't know ...

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This guy had a trained parrot that swore a lot.

And he also had a lady friend coming over. So he warned the parrot not to cuss at her. In fact, he tied a ribbon to each of the parrot's legs and instructed him to pay the woman a compliment if she tugs on one of them.

So the lady comes over and sees the parrot. "What will happen if I tug on...

Grampa popped by for a visit, solo. He seemed a bit bored.

*“Grampa, whatever happened to that lady friend of yours?”

“She died.”

“Why did she die?”

“Gonorrhoea.”

“Grampa, people don’t die from gonorrhoea!”

“They do if they give it to me.”*

Help

Once after a heavy snowfall i was riding with a female co-worker. The roads had not yet been cleared of snow but we pushed ahead regardless, all the cars following in the same ruts. At the intersection the snowplow passed and left a pile of snow in front of us. We blew through it but it stalled the ...

Tractor Fan

I once had a friend named Gary. Gary loved tractors. He spent his whole childhood on tractors, cleaning them driving them and even fixing them. But once, when Gary turned 16 he was driving his new tractor that stalled, throwing him into the air, breaking his leg. He was devastated. Since that day he...

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