What's worse than finding 2 babies in a trash can?

Finding 1 baby in two trash cans.

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car

a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.......
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my...

What's the difference between Finding Nemo and Shrek?

Finding Nemo is about Efficiency.

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Finding the loot

Jose had robbed a bank in Texas and fled south across the Rio Grande with the Texas Rangers in hot pursuit. They caught up with him in a town in Old Mexico, only to discover that Jose spoke no English and none of the pursuers spoke any Spanish. They drafted one of the locals – the school teacher – t...

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Bad: Waking up and finding a penis drawn on your face.

Worse: Finding out it was traced.

On finding his bride to be a virgin, a newly wedded groom is overjoyed and says, "I wanna kiss the one who took care of you and protected your virginity for me".

Bride: Kiss my ass.

Finding love on valentine's day

Is the equivalent to finding santa at Christmas

So I found out I have a fetish for finding things out.

I really came to that conclusion.

Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."

Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

What’s worse than finding a worm in your Apple?

Finding half of one

eBay is great for finding rare items, but there is a lot of bad search results that come with it

For example, I did a search for "Vintage Zippo Lighters" and I got 10,000 matches.

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Prince Hamlet was having trouble finding out the proportion of sluts to non-sluts in Denmark.

So he asked his friend Horatio.

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What do you call the chances of finding a kitten among a litter of puppies?

The PUSSYbility

Finding out my spouse was disabled and incontinent...

Was a wife-changing experience.

What do you call a farm vehicle that is exceptional at finding the right angle?

A pro-tractor

What's scarier than finding out that you have been in a simulation this whole time?

That you can only talk about it with people who always think you're joking.

Have you seen the 18 version of Finding Nemo?

They’ve classed it as ‘prawnography’....

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A lady is in the grocery store and looks like she's having trouble finding what she needs.

An employee from the store sees this and asks if she needs help finding anything. The lady asks where she can find broccoli. The employee apologizes and tells her that they are fresh out but should be getting another shipment in the next morning. The next afternoon the lady is back at the store and ...

[NSFW] What's worse than fingering your sister and finding your dad's wedding ring?

Fingering your brother and finding your dad's watch.

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Did you hear about the blind urologist who had trouble finding his patient's penis?

You gotta hand it to him.

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So I have a thing of finding funny alternative names to movie titles.. Of which are:

Womb Raider

Frying Nemo

Howl's Moaning Castle

Thosebastards

Glad I ate her

The Rare Bi*ch Project

Se8en

Nail Cesar

Sure Lock Homes

A Booty full Mind

Rub a cop

Hairy Potter and the Sorcerer's stoned

Any additions are ...

It seems like every week there's another headline about scientists finding a promising treatment that cures cancer in mice.

If these guys worked on curing cancer in humans instead we'd probably have it licked by now.

Did you hear about the mushroom hunter who was terrible at finding edible mushrooms, so would resort to stealing them from the baskets of other hunters?

He had no morel compass.

I need help finding a joke a homeless guy told me.

Hello reddit, (I hope the mods don’t mind)
Today I saw a guy holding up a sign that said “will work for food” so I stop at a gas station and I bought a cheese burger, a bottle of pop and cookie. then I drove back to where he was and I gave him the food, he was really happy and grateful and he wa...

An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat.

The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right,
and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the
floor.

Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said, "If you put a
little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you ...

What does Charlie Brown on Halloween and a U.S. Marine finding out where hes getting deployed in 2004 have in common?

They can both be heard dejectedly saying "I got a rock."

I have discovered there is something worse than finding your grandpa’s stash of playboy...

It’s figuring out the reason why some of the pages are stuck together!

Finding a corner in a sphere is futile.

It’s pointless

My wife is finding it really difficult to live with my OCD

Every time she gets turned on, I have to turn her off again.

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground....

......Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you...

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Apparently, sniffer dogs are great at finding drugs.

So when I was at the airport yesterday, I bent down and asked one of them where I could find some.

The cheeky bastard said nothing and now I'm in a prison cell.

There's only one thing worse than finding a lobster on your piano

Crabs on your organ

I’m watching Finding Bigfoot

Spoiler alert: They didn’t find him.

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

In germany after the succes of Uber and Ubereats a new app is rising under elderly folk for finding people to help in your household

They're calling it Ubermensch

I was having trouble finding a singing partner,

so I bought myself a duet yourself kit.

My ex girlfriend used to love coming home and finding me naked on the bed

now she just calls the police

An Alabaman is finding his ancestry on a website, but can't get to their site...

Getting frustrated, he calls his wife over.


Sighing, she says, "It starts with an A, not an I, bro."

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A blonde goes to the doctor and says "I keep finding these Colombian postage stamps in my vagina"

The doctor takes a look and says "Ma'am, those aren't postage stamps, those are stickers from bannanas"

There was once a land, far away, and many years ago, that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake.

There was once a land far away and many years ago that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred and casualties were fierce. So they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions on an island in the middle of the lake. The first being rich and influential sent twenty Knight...

Helen Keller would have a better chance of finding Waldo

Than finding an original joke on this sub.

I’ve been studying the mind a lot lately, and I’ve been finding it very interesting!

It really makes you think, y’know?

What is worse than finding a bug in your salad?

Getting anally raped by a rhinoceros.

What's worse than finding a fly in you soup?

Getting hit by a bus

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After 10yrs of marriage is finding out that your spouse sucked 500+ dicks before getting hitched a big deal?

Because I think my wife is just overreacting?

A woman's having a hard time finding a healthy relationship

A woman's having a hard time finding a healthy relationship so she decides to place a very specific ad for a lover in the newspaper. The ad reads, "I am looking for someone who will never hit me, never walk on out on me, and is good in bed." A few days later, her doorbell rings. She answers the door...

The chemistry department cafeteria has good food, but finding a place to sit can be a challenge.

They only have periodic tables.

Finding Will Smith

Will Smith went out for a walk and it started snowing. Will Smith is missing. How do you find him?



Look for fresh prints.

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

I need some help finding a playful hunting dog with a short white coat.

Any Pointers?

To the rest of us, "solutions" mean finding answers.

But to chemists, "solutions" are when things are still mixed up.

Why did the redneck dump his girlfriend after finding out she's a virgin?

If she ain't good enough for her family, she ain't good enough for me.

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A Syrian kid in France.

A Syrian kid and his refugee family move to France. On his first day of school his teacher asks him "what is your name?". To which he politely responds, "My name is Abdul and I am from Syria (Middle-East accent)..She abruptly stops him and corrects him.
"No! From now on you are French and your n...

Why are dogs so good at finding anarchists?

They are great at tracking dissent.

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My dad made this joke after finding out he needed surgery for potential rectal cancer.

Well at least no one can call me a complete asshole anymore!

Donald Trump was on a fact finding visit to Israel

When he suffered a heart attack and died. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him that he can have his body transported back to the USA for a fee of $50,000 or they can bury him in the holy land for Just $100.

The diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes, ...

What did the mathematician say after the square thanked him for finding its area?

Di-mention it.

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Finding a career after college and being a virgin is tough...

There's all kinds of jobs out there: hand jobs, blow jobs, rim jobs...but I can't get any of them

The CIA, FBI, and the KGB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest...

The CIA show up after a few days and release a 6000 word article on the fact that rabbits don't exist.

The FBI show up with a dead rabbit and say in a press release "The rabbit had it coming."

The KGB show up with a bruised and beaten bear. The bear is forced to make a statement "I am ...

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

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What was the woman's reaction to finding her husband's Viagra prescription?

She took it really hard.

I had to thank my friend for finding my bank card resting in some wet grass.

Credit where it's dew.

Finding a girlfriend is a lot like fishing...

There are plenty of fish in the sea, but it's just you holding your rod until you catch one.

Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket.

Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.

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The logical scientist

Two builders are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Chris: 'I reckon he's an accountant. '

James: ‘No way - he's a stockb...

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My sex life is like finding a parking spot

My sex life is like finding a parking spot in town.

All the good ones are taken, so sometimes when no one is looking I have to stick it into disabled one.

Finding girls is like playing blackjack.

I always try to go for 21 but end up hitting on 14.

The only thing more depressing than finding a mostly-full pack of expired condoms in your draw...

is finding an empty pack of in-date condoms in your girlfriend's purse.

What Fruit Has The Hardest Time Finding Love?

Cantaloupe

A guy on his wedding night finding that his wife was a Virgin exclaimed:

"I want to Kiss the one who took care of you and protected your Virginity."

She gave a naughty smile and said:
"KISS MY ASS."

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A recent finding by statisticians...

...shows that the average human has one breast and one testicle.