What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The holocaust.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."

Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car

a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.......
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my...

I was having a real hard time finding something warm to wrap around my neck and could have used some help.

It was a scarf issue that I wish you saw.

Bob is having trouble finding workers for his house construction company

So he decides to open the position up to people with more general skills. The first candidate doesn't have much experience in construction, but insists that his previous experience will be an asset.

The man seems earnest, so Bob decides to give him a chance. He tells the foreman to watch the ...

What's the difference between Finding Nemo and Shrek?

Finding Nemo is about Efficiency.

My toughest assignment as a detective was finding my laptop cover

But I was on the case

What's worse than finding 2 babies in a trash can?

Finding 1 baby in two trash cans.

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Finding the loot

Jose had robbed a bank in Texas and fled south across the Rio Grande with the Texas Rangers in hot pursuit. They caught up with him in a town in Old Mexico, only to discover that Jose spoke no English and none of the pursuers spoke any Spanish. They drafted one of the locals – the school teacher – t...

A man cheats on his wife who happens to be a composer. After finding out about it, she composes a piece of music that expresses her unending rage.

Hell hath no fury like a woman score.

eBay is great for finding rare items, but there is a lot of bad search results that come with it

For example, I did a search for "Vintage Zippo Lighters" and I got 10,000 matches.

On finding his bride to be a virgin, a newly wedded groom is overjoyed and says, "I wanna kiss the one who took care of you and protected your virginity for me".

Bride: Kiss my ass.

Finding love on valentine's day

Is the equivalent to finding santa at Christmas

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Prince Hamlet was having trouble finding out the proportion of sluts to non-sluts in Denmark.

So he asked his friend Horatio.

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A lady is in the grocery store and looks like she's having trouble finding what she needs.

An employee from the store sees this and asks if she needs help finding anything. The lady asks where she can find broccoli. The employee apologizes and tells her that they are fresh out but should be getting another shipment in the next morning. The next afternoon the lady is back at the store and ...

We learned today that Trump blocked a proposed budget change that would have eliminated finding for the Special Olympics.

He must have been pretty mad at the thought of being unable to compete this year.

So I found out I have a fetish for finding things out.

I really came to that conclusion.

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What do you call the chances of finding a kitten among a litter of puppies?

The PUSSYbility

Finding out my spouse was disabled and incontinent...

Was a wife-changing experience.

What do you call a farm vehicle that is exceptional at finding the right angle?

A pro-tractor

I do not have a hard time finding friends. The have a hard time finding me.

At least I hope they still search for me. This hide n seek game is already two days long...

[NSFW] What's worse than fingering your sister and finding your dad's wedding ring?

Fingering your brother and finding your dad's watch.

What's scarier than finding out that you have been in a simulation this whole time?

That you can only talk about it with people who always think you're joking.

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Did you hear about the blind urologist who had trouble finding his patient's penis?

You gotta hand it to him.

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So I have a thing of finding funny alternative names to movie titles.. Of which are:

Womb Raider

Frying Nemo

Howl's Moaning Castle

Thosebastards

Glad I ate her

The Rare Bi*ch Project

Se8en

Nail Cesar

Sure Lock Homes

A Booty full Mind

Rub a cop

Hairy Potter and the Sorcerer's stoned

Any additions are ...

Did you hear about the mushroom hunter who was terrible at finding edible mushrooms, so would resort to stealing them from the baskets of other hunters?

He had no morel compass.

It seems like every week there's another headline about scientists finding a promising treatment that cures cancer in mice.

If these guys worked on curing cancer in humans instead we'd probably have it licked by now.

I need help finding a joke a homeless guy told me.

Hello reddit, (I hope the mods don’t mind)
Today I saw a guy holding up a sign that said “will work for food” so I stop at a gas station and I bought a cheese burger, a bottle of pop and cookie. then I drove back to where he was and I gave him the food, he was really happy and grateful and he wa...

An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat.

The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right,
and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the
floor.

Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said, "If you put a
little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you ...

What does Charlie Brown on Halloween and a U.S. Marine finding out where hes getting deployed in 2004 have in common?

They can both be heard dejectedly saying "I got a rock."

There's only one thing worse than finding a lobster on your piano

Crabs on your organ

I have discovered there is something worse than finding your grandpa’s stash of playboy...

It’s figuring out the reason why some of the pages are stuck together!

My wife is finding it really difficult to live with my OCD

Every time she gets turned on, I have to turn her off again.

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground....

......Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you...

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Apparently, sniffer dogs are great at finding drugs.

So when I was at the airport yesterday, I bent down and asked one of them where I could find some.

The cheeky bastard said nothing and now I'm in a prison cell.

I’m watching Finding Bigfoot

Spoiler alert: They didn’t find him.

In germany after the succes of Uber and Ubereats a new app is rising under elderly folk for finding people to help in your household

They're calling it Ubermensch

There was once a land, far away, and many years ago, that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake.

There was once a land far away and many years ago that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred and casualties were fierce. So they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions on an island in the middle of the lake. The first being rich and influential sent twenty Knight...

I was having trouble finding a singing partner,

so I bought myself a duet yourself kit.

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A blonde goes to the doctor and says "I keep finding these Colombian postage stamps in my vagina"

The doctor takes a look and says "Ma'am, those aren't postage stamps, those are stickers from bannanas"

Helen Keller would have a better chance of finding Waldo

Than finding an original joke on this sub.

My ex girlfriend used to love coming home and finding me naked on the bed

now she just calls the police

I’ve been studying the mind a lot lately, and I’ve been finding it very interesting!

It really makes you think, y’know?

What's worse than finding a fly in you soup?

Getting hit by a bus

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After 10yrs of marriage is finding out that your spouse sucked 500+ dicks before getting hitched a big deal?

Because I think my wife is just overreacting?

A woman's having a hard time finding a healthy relationship

A woman's having a hard time finding a healthy relationship so she decides to place a very specific ad for a lover in the newspaper. The ad reads, "I am looking for someone who will never hit me, never walk on out on me, and is good in bed." A few days later, her doorbell rings. She answers the door...

An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive

As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk.

The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car a...

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

The chemistry department cafeteria has good food, but finding a place to sit can be a challenge.

They only have periodic tables.

Why are dogs so good at finding anarchists?

They are great at tracking dissent.

Why did the redneck dump his girlfriend after finding out she's a virgin?

If she ain't good enough for her family, she ain't good enough for me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dad made this joke after finding out he needed surgery for potential rectal cancer.

Well at least no one can call me a complete asshole anymore!

I need some help finding a playful hunting dog with a short white coat.

Any Pointers?

To the rest of us, "solutions" mean finding answers.

But to chemists, "solutions" are when things are still mixed up.

Donald Trump was on a fact finding visit to Israel

When he suffered a heart attack and died. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him that he can have his body transported back to the USA for a fee of $50,000 or they can bury him in the holy land for Just $100.

The diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes, ...

The CIA, FBI, and the KGB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest...

The CIA show up after a few days and release a 6000 word article on the fact that rabbits don't exist.

The FBI show up with a dead rabbit and say in a press release "The rabbit had it coming."

The KGB show up with a bruised and beaten bear. The bear is forced to make a statement "I am ...

What did the mathematician say after the square thanked him for finding its area?

Di-mention it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Finding a career after college and being a virgin is tough...

There's all kinds of jobs out there: hand jobs, blow jobs, rim jobs...but I can't get any of them

Finding a girlfriend is a lot like fishing...

There are plenty of fish in the sea, but it's just you holding your rod until you catch one.

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What was the woman's reaction to finding her husband's Viagra prescription?

She took it really hard.

I had to thank my friend for finding my bank card resting in some wet grass.

Credit where it's dew.

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The logical scientist

Two builders are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Chris: 'I reckon he's an accountant. '

James: ‘No way - he's a stockb...

Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket.

Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My sex life is like finding a parking spot

My sex life is like finding a parking spot in town.

All the good ones are taken, so sometimes when no one is looking I have to stick it into disabled one.

Finding girls is like playing blackjack.

I always try to go for 21 but end up hitting on 14.