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Regain Jokes

As I regained consciousness from last nights car crash.

The Doctors were trying to convince me that I'm actually a Swedish Guy who has forgotten his identity...

But I am having none of it. I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!

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Cinderella, now 90 years old, and Prince Charming being long dead, sat on the balcony of her castle with her cat resting in her lap.

Suddenly, the Fairy Godmother appeared out of nowhere. Cinderella was completely stunned.

\- Wh... what are you doing here after all these years? asked Cinderella.

\- Cinderella, you have lived a perfect life. You have never done anything out of malice, and you have been a wonderful wi...

OJ Simpson was in a different kind of courtroom this week attempting to regain custody of his two children.

In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, OJ pointed out quote "Hey, they’re still alive, aren’t they?"

- An ol' chunk of coal

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A priest dies and goes to Heaven

As he’s waiting for his turn at the pearly gates, he notices a sign saying that each individual’s experience in eternity will depend on how they have impacted people’s lives on Earth. This sight pleases him as his occupation is highly regarded in the Christian faith, so the pinnacle of heavenly blis...

A man is losing his mind and his hair…

When he looks at himself in the mirror, the man is upset to see his once flowing locks are now but a thinning patch. His adoring wife is slowly losing interest as her once Fabio-looking groom is aging quickly.

Determined to regain his confidence and looks, the man tries everything. First he r...

How'd the blind carpenter regain his sight?

He just picked up a hammer and saw.

scarlet johansson

There’s an airline crash in the Pacific. The only two survivors are a young man, Steve, and an unconscious young woman.

Steve finds the young woman clinging to a piece of debris. He tows her to a small, deserted atoll.

The young woman does not regain consciousness for a week. In the me...

Three inmates at the insane asylum gather around the lunch table to plot how they can break out and regain their freedom.

Rudy, the longest standing resident explains they should all meet along the Southern wall at precisely midnight, whereupon he will use his recently illegally acquired hospital issue flashlight to vault them over the wall. Then it’s a short walk across the border into Mexico.

Upon hearing the ...

Why can't blind people regain their vision?

Because they can't see the eye doctor

Jacob was a religious man.

He attended church regularly. He was a Deacon in his church. He raised his family to believe in the Lord, but never passed judgement on anyone, believing that judgement was reserved for God alone. When he saw others going astray he would keep his thoughts to himself, unless asked. In short, he alway...

Putin, Zelensky and Biden are on board a plane.

Suddenly, the plane is losing altitude and they are about to crash. On board there are only two parachutes.


Immediately, Putin snatches a parachute and jumps out to save himself.


Biden takes the remaining parachute and gives it to Zelensky: "Save yourself, my friend. I am m...

A powerlifter recently set the world record for bench press after losing it a year ago. When asked how he felt after regaining his title, he said

“It’s a huge weight off my chest.”

A Doctor claims to treat patients with 100% Results otherwise he will give 100$

A man walks inside the clinic and says **"Doctor, I have lost my taste buds. I can't feel the taste of anything."** The Doctor replies **"Don't worry. I will give you a syrup and you wil regain your taste buds. Nurse, pls give him the blue bottle."** The man drinks the content of the blue bottle and...

A Soviet joke

A group of friends stays in a hotel in Soviet Russia. One of them ended up in a separate room and is trying to fall asleep. His friends, however, are loudly talking and telling each other political jokes in the next room. So he decides to prank them a bit. Calls downstairs, orders some coffee to the...

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good...

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A woman, blinded in an accident, has surgery to regain her sight...

Afterwards the doctor tells her to remove the bandages from her eyes. As she’s doing that, he pulls out his penis. She drops the bandages into the waste bin and blinks her eyes as the doctor pops his hips and proudly displays his erection. “So,” says the doctor, “what do you think?”

“Well,” ...

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We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

Zelensky and Putin both die during peace talk bombings

As they regain their senses, they find themselves in front of the gates of Heaven. Shortly after that Saint Peter approaches them and says: „Welcome to the gates of Heaven. While I guess we all know where you two belong to respectively, I‘m sorry to inform you we have some formalities to go through ...

A guy regains consciousness in hospital with a golf clup imbedded in his skull.

The doctor acked him if he can remember what happened.

"Well, I remember I was playing golf with my wife. She sliced her tee shot into the cow paddock next to the fairway. We looked for her ball for a while but couldn't find it. On the off-chance, I lifted a cows' tail, and sure enough there ...

The bacon tree

Juan and Carlos are out on a hike and they get lost out around the Texas Mexico border. For three days they walked. By the third day Juan’s mind started to wander and the hunger and dehydration were getting the better of him. “I smell bacon” he said to Carlos. Carlos listened with fear in his heart ...

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Late in the night he regained consciousness.

He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.

He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident. She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, *"You...

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Fifteen Bucks

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.

So he went out to the front of the...

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

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Deborah met with her friend Judy one Sunday afternoon, and Deborah began talking about her husband's new favorite pastime

"Oh yes," said Deborah with the grandest smile on her face, "everything has been so much better between Henry and I ever since he joined his 'Swingers Club'!"

Judy's utter shock forced her to spit out all the tea she was sipping on, and she tried to form a proper response as her mind became s...

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Two nuns are taking a bath in the convent, when a man knocks on the door and says, "Blind man."

The nuns are rather startled at the intrusion. One regains her composure and says to the other, "Well I suppose we can let him in, he can't see anything. He may be in need of some immediate assistance."

The other nods in agreement, and then says "Come in."


A man in workman's covera...

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, 'Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.' The doctor continued, 'Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For d...

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A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in coma

She notices that whenever she touches the genital area, patient's heart rate increases. She gets the idea that oral sex might help her regain consciousness. The nurse then calls patient's husband and tell him that oral sex might revive her and so the husband agrees to help.

The following nigh...

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attit...

A man reaches a river, and ponders how to cross.

He looks out, and sees that the river is far too wide to swim, lest he tire and drown. He would have tried making a raft, but there were no trees in sight, nor any other manner of building material. Stumped but determined, he decided to follow the river until he reached a point where the river narro...

The year is 2024

The year is 2024 and it’s time to decide a new President of the United States. There are three candidates for the American people to choose from: Joe Biden, looking to hold onto the Presidency, Donald Trump, looking to regain it, and Obama in a sombrero and fake moustache calling himself “Juanbama”....

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A nun at a Catholic School was asking her 10 year old students what they wanted to be when they grew up.

"Susie, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Susie said "I want to be a doctor."

"Very nice," the nun said. "Jenny what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Jenny said "I want to be a teacher."

"Excellent answer," the nun replied. "Martha what are you going to be wh...

A prist, a minister and a youth pastor are standing by the side of a road, holding up a sign.

The sign reads "The End Is Near! Turn Back Before It's Too Late!"

Well, along comes a redneck, driving a jacked-up pickup truck and swiggin' a Coors Lite.

He screeches to a halt before the three men of the cloth, surveys their sign for a moment, and bursts into uncontrollable guffaws....

After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.

"Why have you not multiplied?" he asked.

To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders."


Noah being ...

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Man goes to a doctor and sees the patient is looking very embarrassed.

The doctor says, "So why did you come to see me today?" The patient says, "Well, I have a problem, but it's kind of humiliating. Please promise you won't laugh!" The doctor assures the patient that he won't laugh. "I'm a professional and have seen a lot throughout my years."

The patient r...

A catholic woman walks into confessional. [Long]

She sits down distressed and takes deep breathes to regain her composure. “Oh father” she says, “I have gravely sinned, I don’t know I can be forgiven”.

“Please speak freely my child” said the priest “only our lord can judge you”.

So she commences. —“Today I was walking to my apartme...

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

The Chinese medic , opens a private clinic.

At the front dor , there was a huge banner saying : " The treatment costs $20 , if you don't get cured , we will give you $100 back"

A lawyer walking by saw the sign and thought it's a good opportunity for him to make an easy $100 , so he walks into the clinic .

- I have lost my tas...

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One evening, Little Johnny, his brother Little Jimmy, and their dad, sat down to eat supper.

One evening, Little Johnny, his brother Little Jimmy, and their dad, sat down to eat supper. The dad turned to Little Jimmy and asked, "Little Jimmy, what would you like to eat first?" To this Little Jimmy replied, "I want some of them fuckin' peas." In a flash, dad slapped the shit out Little Ji...

Benny and the Magic Urn

Once upon a time there was a man named Benny. Benny was a simple man with simple talents and simple desires. He was a quiet fellow who loved to walk the beach when he had some time to spare. He was the kind of guy you wouldn't mind having a drink with, but anything more might be tedious. One day, as...

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(OC) A Hippie walks by a businessman...

A Hippie is walking by and sees a businessman looking over some construction that had been started on a plot of land. The Hippie is alarmed and exclaims "What are you doing?!"

The businessman responds by saying that this piece of land was bought by his company. The land was good and the found...

An army plane is crashing, and three soldiers are on board

To lighten the load, each throws out one item. The first throws out an artillery shell, the second throws out a machine gun, and the third throws out a radio. It's no good however, and the plane continues going down, so the three soldiers are forced to jump out and parachute to safety.

When t...

Dr. Goldberg

Dr. Goldberg was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home tow...

A woman pregnant with twins went into labor suddenly, and fell unconscious during the delivery. The hospital contacted the father and he arrived quickly, just in time to witness the birth of his children.

His wife had not woken up yet, when the hospital staff asked the father what to name his new son and daughter. They had tried for months to decide on the perfect names, but couldn’t reach an agreement, so he did the best he could. When the mother regained consciousness, the father let her know what ...

A car driver hits a low flying parrot

He takes the unconscious parrot, home and cares for it.
The next day it regains consciousness and finds himself in a cage. It gets surprised and says, " W-w-wait, jail? Did the car driver die?"

So aliens from Mars comes down to Earth...

...And they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.

During this event, the pope is up to talk to the aliens.

"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen," the pope starts to ask...

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One morning two brothers, 4 and 6, decide they are old enough to start cursing...

The younger asks his brother, "What should we say?"

"You say ass, and I'll say hell," replies the elder of the two.

Walking down stairs their mother asks them what they would like for breakfast.

"Oh hell," replies the elder, "I'll have some Cheerios."

Their mother loses ...

Once, in an African village,

a native man walked up to a missionary with a look of fury on his face. "My wife gave birth today," the native growled, "and the baby is white! And you're the only white person within 100 miles of here! "
The missionary glanced around guiltily for a moment but quickly regained his composure. "Loo...

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The Preacher and the Donkey

A preacher wanted to raise money for the local church and, upon hearing that there was a fortune to be found in horse racing, he decided to purchase one and enter himself. Unfortunately, the going price for a horse at the local auction house was too high so he ended up getting a donkey instead. He d...

A man takes a job at a you factory

He is hired on to work the production line for Tickle me Elmo. He settles into his position, is given a quick set of instructions by his new supervisor and set to work. After finishing the instructions, the supervisor says: "It's super easy. Let me know if you have any questions. I'm check back in ...

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Fiat vs Ferrari

So on a nice and sunny Sunday afternoon Jim is taking his LaFerrari for a Spin on the Highway. Driving along for a while when Jim spots a broken down Car on the side of the road, apparently having some issues. As Jim is passing he realizes the Car is a Old Fiat 500.

Chuckling to Himself abou...

An old man goes into a restaurant...

An old man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit walks up to his table and asks if he is ready to order.

"What would you like, sir?”

He looks at the menu, scans her...

Husband and wife had a car accident

Ambulance was called and they both end up im hospital. After some time husband regains consciousness and starts looking for his wife around the hospital. He finds a doktor and asks him:

"Doctor, please, me and my wife had an accident and I cant find her. Can you help me? Is she alright?"
...

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Two college students have their most important final exam next week...

But they've chosen to spend the week partying instead. So, in their drunken stupour, after realising how badly they messed up, they beg their professor to give them an extra day for the exam. Even though sceptical, they told him that they had a flat tire on the way to university and couldn't reach c...

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Three women were fed up with their husbands

They agree that the best way to get their husbands to help with cleaning, is to stop doing it themselves. A week later, they meet again to discuss how it went.

The first one said: 'My Harry never did the laundry. I was sick of it. I told him: 'Harry, you lazy ass, I'm not doing your laundry a...

Three women at the Stairway to Heaven

Three women(brunette, redhead, blonde) all die, and find themselves at the foot of the Stairway to Heaven.

They are visited by an angel, who says, “For each step on the Stairway you take, you will hear a joke. If you do not laugh, you may continue; however, if you DO laugh, you must stop and...

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Hitler died.

When he woke up, he looked around. Only to see fire and torture. In an attempt to question surroundings and to regain his lost memory, he asked the nearest figure.

"Where am I and who am I?"

The figure replied,"Hell Hitler".

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There was a guy who was having chronic trouble getting an erection.

After weeks of frustration, he finally decides he is going to go see a doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and eventually makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.

"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deterioratin...

The Swing Bar

Jim's friends take him to a bar he hadn't been to before then. It was like any other joint, minus the oddly cheap booze, and the group of people huddled in the corner.

Jim asks the bartender what they're doing, and he explains that they're having a "swing".

Jim and his friends venture...

Karen was an ugly woman who never had a boyfriend. She had enough and decided to go to a psychic for help.

"Honey!" said the psychic, "You will not have luck with love in this life. But after death, you will be a much desired woman and all the men will fall at your feet.”

She left so happy and excited at this idea that she jumped off the highway bridge. As she went over she thought to herself "the...

A man breaks into a home, all the lights are off.

He gets through the window and turns on his flashlight. Out of the dark, a voice says "jesus is watching you"

The thief stops in his tracks, freaks out and turns off the flashlight.

After a few minutes he regains his nerve and starts looking around. When he picked up a CD player to pla...

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man writing to his insurance

I am writing in response to your request for additional information.  In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.  You said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust that the following details are sufficient:

I am a bric...

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[Long] Johnny comes home from school early...

...and decides to play with his toys in his parents room, as he is never allowed.

However as he begins to play he hears the front door open, and footsteps come down the hallway towards the room. In fear of getting caught Johnny quickly hides in his parents closet.

Peeking through a cra...

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Two guys go moose hunting.....

A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario. He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose.

The next week he returns, and sure enough the hunters have bagged two moose. ...

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[NSFW] A man went to a doctor to cure his dick

Man: I have a problem with my penis, promise me you won’t laugh

Doctor: Alright, let’s see what’s wrong

The man pulled down his pants and revealed his tiny wiener, it was around the size of a AAA battery. The doctor let out a little giggle but immediately regained composure. After a fe...

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Meeting the Irish Mother

A young Irish lad takes the girl he loves to meet his family.

The matriarch of the family asks the girlfriend, "So, tell me, lass, what is your occupation?"

The girl hesitantly says, "Well, Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute."

Immediately, the lad's mother faints. After regaining c...

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Mechanic

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal*Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping ...

Two men are playing golf

Two men are playing golf and while smashing through the holes, get stuck behind a couple of female players. The first man says to his opponent, "I'll go ahead and ask if we can go past!"



He comes back looking like he's seen a ghost and gasps: "I couldn't ask; one of the ladies was my...

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A bird is flying south for the winters

It freezes mid-flight and falls down on the snow in a farm. A cow passing by takes pity on it and shits on it to keep it warm.

After few minutes the bird regains consciousness because of the warmth and starts chirping.

A cat hears it, picks it out of the shit, cleans it and eats it....

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A pastor is headed to Pittsburgh

A pastor is headed to Pittsburgh for a convention with his associate preacher and they decide to take the train.

At the station, the pastor tells his associate to have a seat while he purchases their tickets.

After standing in line at the ticket counter for an extended period of time...

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How is this story joke? I created it to present to class tomorrow.

It's supposed to last between 45 seconds to a minute. Is it funny? What can I improve?

A man is driving along a road, and starts to hear a clunking noise coming from under the hood of his car. Luckily for him, an auto repair shop is just down the road. As he drives into the shop’s garage, he’...

A young man is uncomfortable with his body weight and therefore goes to the gym.

In front of it the man sees two queues. One of them seems to be a few people shorter so naturally he lines up there. As he reaches the end of the queue, a muscular MMA fighter rushes out of the building and hits the young man right where it hurts.

The young man gasps and crashes to the ground...

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Singing blowjob (NSFW)

One of my friends was a sailor in the navy many moons ago. He was out on deployment for long periods of time, and being a ship without women, he was naturally frisky.

They arrived at an island to resupply and the crew were given leave - so he makes his way to the nearest tavern and enquires o...

A sloth is going about his day when he gets attacked by a gang of snails

A sloth is going about his day when he gets attacked by a gang of snails.

The snails take his wallet and leave. The sloth regains his composure and goes straight to the police station.

The police officer says, "can you describe the gang for us?"

The sloth says, "I don't know. ...

The best days of my life.....

An Inspirational speaker said:
"The best days of my life were the days I spent with another man's wife".
Audience were in shock and silence.
He added: "and she is my mother".
A big round of applause and laughter followed.
One Man who listened to the speech decided to crack this at h...

Engineering teacher gave us this one.

So a priest, a doctor, and an engineer are playing a round of golf but they are stuck behind an incredibly slow foursome. They keep waiting and finally the groundskeeper drives by and they ask him whats going on with the group ahead.

He explains that the group ahead is made up of four fir...

I love to view /r/gonewild albums in reverse

and watch lonely women regain their dignity.

Random blonde joke.

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.

For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her fir...

Little Johnny had an accident.

One day, while working on the family farm, Little Johnny fell and badly damaged his left eye. The doctors couldn’t save it, so it was removed.

His family didn’t have the money for a fancy prosthesis, so his dad whittled him a wooden eye, and carefully painted and lacquered it. From a distanc...

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A man loses his penis in an industrial accident.

He wakes up in the hospital the next day. Upon hearing the news that the organ was unsalvagable the man was devastated.

"Doc, is there nothing you can do?"

The doctor explains that conventional medicine can do nothing for him. However, he adds, there is an experimental treatment. The ...

A salesman knocked on a suburban door...

...and was greeted by a nine-year-old boy puffing away on a long black cigar. Stunned for a brief moment, he managed to regain his composure and say "Good afternoon. Would your mother or father be home?" The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes onto the carpet, and replied "What the f*...

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A taxi driver picks up a woman from the airport who sits in the back as a passenger

The woman wanted to ask a question so she leans forward and taps the driver’s shoulder to get his attention.

The driver gets startled so bad that he loses control of the cab, nearly hits a bus, swerves to barely dodge a light pole and finally halts near a glass bus stand.

The woman an...

Three friends are shipwrecked on a desert island

After days of despair, one of them stumbles across a lamp and shows it to the others. They rub it and sure enough a genie appears.



**"I AM THE GENIE OF THE LAMP, AND I WILL GRANT YOU EACH ONE WISH"**



The first friend immediately declares "I wish I was at home with my fa...

Everyone knows Bob.

Fred and his friend Bob walked into town one day.
"Hey Bob!" one woman said in passing.
"Lovely day, isn't it Bob?" said the next man that passed.
After the third and fourth person to pass had all greeted Bob, Fred felt compelled to say something.
"You sure seem to know a lot of people ...

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A man goes to the doctor.

He says to the doctor "I have a big problem. But first I want you to promise me you won't laugh."

"Oh, no sir, that would be very unprofessional. I have been practicing medicine for over 30 years and I've seen it all. So you have my word."

"OK" says the man and drops his pants. As soon...

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Leprechaun nuns

So the Mother Superior of an Irish nunnery is sitting in her office when suddenly two Leprechauns walk through her door; one looking like he was walking off a bad hangover and the other looking like he's about to kill someone. After a short moment so that she could regain composure (because...you kn...

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East meets West

A guy pulls up to a bar and walks in to get a drink. Almost immediately, he is accosted by another guy who has obviously had one-to-many.
The drunk demonstrates a clumsy karate chop and says, "That was karate from China." The new arrival just nods noncommittally and attempts to sit at the bar. Un...

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A man goes to his doctor

and complains that his penis is developing a bend in the middle. So the doctor ran a series of tests, and had the man return to his office to report the results. "Have you been in the Far East recently, within the last year or so?" "Why, yes," replied the man. "And did you have sex while over there?...

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three guys are on a deserted island...

Just recently shipwrecked. As they each regain consciousness they realize they are surrounded by cannibals. The cannibals put each man into a bamboo cage and hold them there over night. The next morning the natives hand each man a palm leaf sack and explain to them that they are to gather a single f...

Show and Tell with Grandpa Olie

A boy has brought his Grandpa Olie into class, to tell about some of his experiences as a pilot in World War II.

"Well," the old man begins, "I remember this one time, I was flying on patrol, when this one Fokker surprises me from behind!"

A few of the kids in the class start to snicke...

Trump, Pence, and Paul Ryan and traveling together

President Trump, Vice President Pence, and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan are traveling together in a presidential convoy. A tornado comes along, sweeps up their vehicle and launches them hundreds of yards away.


When they regain consciousness they realize they've been transported to the m...

Four expectant fathers pace back and forth in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor.

The nurse enters and tells the first man, “Congratulations, you’re the father of twins!”



“What a coincidence,” the man says. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”



A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, “You are the father of triplets!”
...

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The Note

This is a joke my dad used to always tell.

A few homeless men are sitting around a fire telling stories about how the poor choices in their lives led them to poverty and eventually to living on the street. Tonight there is a newcomer to the little group and the old members are curious about h...

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Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night with Paddy the Pilot and Seamus the co-pilot.

As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.

"B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is".

"You're not fookin kiddin Paddy", replied Seamus.

"Dis is gonna be one a de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy.

"...

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A famous psychic does a show in town claiming to be able to tell anything about anyone after only looking at them.

Towards the end of a successful show he does his finishing bit.

"And now ladies and gentleman, by simply looking at your faces, I will be able to tell how often you had sex."

The psychic looks around and sees a sad man.

"You sir look like you only have sex once a month."

...

Parenthood

Parenthood is when the word “Daddy” regains it’s innocence.

As the doctor went through Karen's notes he said

"The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your libido."

Karen inquired, "How come?"

Doc said, "Well ... your husband is very ugly."

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[NSFW] [Long] Two men go camping..

Two businessmen, Jim and Frank, decide to go camping for their vacation one, rough it out like their fathers used to do. They're a few days in to their vacation and they're about fed up with one another's company. So they decide the best course of action is they'll take the remaining days, head out ...

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A jew sees an opportunity to earn easy money

In advertisement on a wall, a jobless Russian offers a great deal, he claim to cure anyone of any condition for a mere 5000 euro, and if he fail he promises to pay 10 000 euro back . A passing jew sees this opportunity, and decides to earn some easy money and so he enters the building..


J...

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A Scotsman was shipwrecked...

...and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?" The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!" She disappears int...

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Three men walking through a forest are ambushed by tribals...

...and are taken to the Chief. The Chief says, "I will set you free if you can bring me an offering of a fruit of your choice. Take your time roaming the forest, but be warned that you will be tracked - make any attempt to escape and you will be killed on the spot."

The three men set off, in ...

My Uncle

My uncle is a southern farmer. One day he witnessed another man dove hunting close to his property line. The man shoots a bird that falls on my uncle’s property line, which my uncle promptly goes to pick up.

The man tries to plea with my uncle but he’s not having it. The dead bird is on his p...

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