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I daily observe a group of ladies sitting in the park Talking and Laughing Loudly.

One day I observed all the ladies were silent. There must be some Serious issue or Incident that Happened. So I went to a Lady and asked, "Why everybody is Silent Today?"
The Lady replied, "All Are Present Today."
It took me a whole minute to understand this.

There was once an Austrian physicist who discovered that the sound of an object changes pitch as it passes by an observer...

...But before he could publish his findings someone stole his work and took all the credit for it.

Turns out the physicist had a Dopplerganger.

A man walks his dog late at night when he observes an obviously drunk guy. The guy stops at a parked car, swipes across the car's roof with his arm and says "Nope."

He stumbles over to the next car, again swipes across the roof with his arm and again: "Nope."

This goes on for a while until finally the dog owner decides to ask the man what he was doing.

Drunkard: "I'm searching my car!"

Dog owner: "But you can't find your car by swiping your...

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up a letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
<...

Why can't a pulsar be observed by any computer controlled optical telescope?

Video killed the radio star.

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane.

After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”

The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

“Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptatio...

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I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary

I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has...

King Arthur

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an adventure and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. But King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to see Merlin to see if he had a solution.

Merlin, the wiz...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping

In the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up and asks “tell me, Watson, what do you observe?”

Watson replies “it is a clear, cloudless sky. To the east I see the constellation of Orion whereby I can trail the handle of the plough pointing to Polaris, the North Star. As my eyes adjust to ...

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Buzz Buzz

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?' The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this t...

The curator of the Igneous Wing of the British Geological Museum was found dead one morning ….

… his head bashed in by a, well, a rock. Knowing they hadn’t a prayer of solving the case on their own, Scotland Yard called in Sherlock Holmes and his associate, Dr Watson.

When they arrived, Holmes knelt beside the victim’s body. “Watson, while I examine the crime scene, you go question the...

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What do you call people who observe owls reproducing?

A hornithologist.

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Heaven and ducks

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and altho...

One gardener asks another for advice about putting down sod

“Can you help me with this? I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong. I keep trying to lay this sod down, but I can’t get it to lay flat,” he confessed.

The other gardener observed as he attempted to lay down the sheet of grass and came to a helpful conclusion.

The gardener explained, “Well, ...

An Australian Aboriginal is doing a bit of fishing, when he notices a massive mud crab out of season…

As quick as can be, he grabs the muddie and throws it in the trunk/boot of his car. At that moment, a department of fisheries ranger observes Paddy the aboriginal, putting the mudcrab into the boot of his car.

"Oi. You can't do that! I saw what you have there. You've got a mudcrab in the boot...

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A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a li...

Shopping nightmare

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, Now Monica, we just have half of th...

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

Psychiatrists observe two patients at a mental institution...

Jack and Jill, the two patients, form an extremely strong bond. The relationship is helping both Jack and Jill cope with difficult social interactions. Jack and Jill make such progress, the doctors decide to observe them in various situations around the mental institution to see if they are ready ...

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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything ins...

We were about to observe our first autopsy in medical school, and my friend asked me, “What do you think it’ll be like?”

I said, “Remains to be seen.”

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If you're just starting out in porn, observe the way the experts use the heads of their penises.

That's a pro tip.

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A young Spanish teacher, fresh out of college, is hired at a public school.

On her first day, the principal decides to observe, and sits down next to Little Johnny. She starts writing a sentence in Spanish on the board. As she does, a piece of chalk breaks and she bends down to pick it up. When she finishes writing her sentence, she asks, "Now, kids, who can translate this ...

Why do they call it a 'watch'?

I mean, they should call it a 'glance'.

It's not like I've got time to observe my life passing me by in regular increments.

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after biddin...

An officer observes a woman standing in the middle of the street.

He approaches her and asks, “Are you okay?”

The woman replies, “Yes, but how do I get to the hospital?”

The officer replies, “Just keep standing there.”

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Joe was an observant young man. NSFW

He observed a calf sucking on its mother's nipple.
He further observed that the nipple was shaped much like a penis.
When he had the opportunity to do so he stuck his penis in front of a hungry calf's mouth.
He then observed the calf suck his penis in the same manner that it sucked its moth...

What do scientists do when they observe the earth rotating?

They call it a day.

Lost on the back roads in Vermont

Lost on back roads in Vermont, a tourist collided with a local man at an intersection. He and the local got out to examine their bent fenders.

"Well, don't look like much," observed the local. "Whyn't we just take a little pull to steady our nerves." He grabbed a jug from his battered pickup,...

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' So Satan and Jesus sat do...

So a Biologist, Physicist, and Mathematician are asked to observe a phenomena.

A Biologist, Physicist, and Mathematician are asked to observe a phenomena. The sit down in front of a door, they inspect the room on the other side and conclude that there is no exit other than the entrance. They then watch as one person enters the room, and then later, two persons exit.

The...

A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans. Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility....

A few moments after the big bang a cloud full of Hydrogen atoms fall into a blackhole and die.

A few moments after the big bang a cloud full of Hydrogen atoms fall into a blackhole and die. The arrive at the border between multiverses and meet Saint Platinum-Erbium

St PtEr says to them "Welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through, but before I may do that, I must ask each...

A sad story of duty, conviction and love

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applican...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping

One crisp, clear fall day Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After a meal by the campfire followed by a serviceable bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Dr. Watson shakes his friend awake.

"Sherlock, look up at the ...

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I was at a party recently when I happened to notice my wristwatch was missing.

I looked for the watch for a bit asking people if they'd seen it, but didn't have any luck. It wasn't an expensive watch so I wasn't too worried about it and eventually gave up.

Then, later in the evening, I saw a couple that I didn't recognize from across the room who appeared to be having ...

An old man was walking down the street one day when he observed a small boy struggling to reach the doorbell at one of the houses.

The kindly old man said to the boy, “Can I help you with that sonny?”

At which point he smiled, placed a comforting hand on the boy’s shoulder whilst pressing the doorbell firmly with his other hand.

“There”, said the old man, as he stepped back from the door. “Now what do we do young ...

I like to observe people in lines.

I'm in Wait Watchers.

Scientists have observed only two types of people:

Pheno-types and Geno-types.

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Stalin is having a shitty day...

One day, Stalin, is in a shitty mood. One thing he loves is to hear praise. He loved it when people spoke highly of him but it loses its luster at gun point. So, one day Stalin wears a disguise, and goes to a local café with the intention of listening to people chat. He sits down with his back to th...

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The Brilliant Solution

A soap factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. Six months and $8 million later, t...

Some laws that we didn't learn at school

01. *LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR*

Once your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

02. *ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP*

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

03. *KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM*

When u dial a wrong numbe...

I've just joined the Jehovah's Observers.

It's like being a Jehovah's Witness but we don't like to get involved.

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment,...

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So, This guy is sitting at the bar, when he sees another guy sit next to a girl, strike up a conversation, and then about 15 minutes later, they leave together. He observes this happen every night, but with different women for a week...

Finally he is so curious as to what this guy's secret is, he approaches him, and says "Bro, you gotta tell me what your secret is! I've watched you walk in here, and take home a different woman every night for over a week now! What are you saying to them?"

The stranger smiles sheepishly, and ...

A redditor was conducting a scientific experiment...

...on a grasshopper. He placed the grasshopper on a white sheet of paper and with a magnifying glass observed as he gave the command to jump. Hearing the command, the grasshopper jumped. He writes down his observations: "1.When given the command to jump, the grasshopper jumps." Then he cuts the wing...

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little ...

I prefer to think of myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair.

Besides, "stalker" is such an ugly word.

A defense Lawyer was cross-examining a police officer

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who pr...

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I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.

His new nurse, Evelyn , took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a ...

A particular species of frog, found in South American rainforests, has been observed to leap higher than a 1 story house.

This is due to the extremely powerful hind legs of the frog, and the fact that houses cannot leap.

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Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

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A chicken walks into a library...

The librarian lifts their gaze with a mixture of curiosity and surprise as the bird hops onto the counter. It tilts its head and, with an air of demand, clucks:

"Book!"

The librarian is taken aback at this odd display. The chicken impatiently taps one foot on the counter.

"Book,...

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A Japanese man observes his son scratching his knee.

He comments, "Itchy knee, son?"

The son replies, "I already know how to count, Dad!"

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Psychiatrist Observations

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "You...

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A UFO crashes on a farm

A loud noise is heard outside of a remote farm house and startles a middle-aged farmer and his wife. The farmer walks out to see a UFO. He walks up to the UFO and find out the aliens are peaceful, completely naked and have fairly human bodies. The farmer attempts to communicate with them and the ali...

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