I have a joke about the exceptional healthcare and medicine Trump took to recover from COVID.

But, no one else would get it.

How can you recover from any injury almost immediately?

Be a (professional) soccer player.

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, y...

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Why do so many recovering alcoholics dine at Japanese restaurants?

Best place to get Soba.

2 men go fishing, One has a stutter

The man with a stutter says “shh ssshhh sshh”. The other man says “what is it, did you catch a fish”? The stuttering man continues to make ssshhh noises, the other man says “spit it out”. The stuttering man says “ssshhh ship!!” Before the 2nd man can react a ship crashes into their boat.

M...

Two professors of Entire Economics were walking down a road when they saw a dead rat

The older one said - “If you eat this, I’ll pay you $10,000”. The younger one makes a quick cost-benefit analysis and eats the rat.

The younger professor experiences a bad after-taste and wants the older professor to experience the same. Suddenly he sees another dead rat on the road and dare...

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During a church service,

the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was a muffled gasp from the men i...

As the patient recovers from laser eye surgery, the surgeon comes in asks if they want the good news or the bad news first.

The patient excitedly replies, “I’ll take the good news first.”

The surgeon tells them, “Well, you’re about to get a new dog!”

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a ...

The pandemic comes, and the country is in lockdown.

The coronavirus is killing tens of thousands.

Early on, a scientist says ***"Keep your distance and wash your hands regularly."***

The fellow shouted back, ***"No, it's OK - I don't need to keep distance, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me."***

The pandemic rages on. ...

How does Yosemite Sam keep recovering from being killed?

Rein-tarnation.

My friend wanted to hit the treadmill while recovering from an injury.

I told him “tread lightly”.

TIL I learned that Bono from U2 holds the record for most private investigators hired to recover a lost heirloom.

To this day he still hasn't found what he's looking for.

If Trump Recovers, He Will Write A Book About His Quarantine Experience And How He Got Through It.

The Art Of The Heal

An old man is in hospital after recovering from surgery

An old man is in hospital after recovering from surgery on his inner ear, having suffered a long term issue with his balance.

His daughter comes to visit and his face lights up when he sees her escorted in by the doctor. The doctor takes his daughter aside briefly and says 'It's early days bu...

Toughest time of my Life

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic ci...

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Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, w...

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. 

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back...

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A love story

A Love Story


Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.

One evening Micro arrived home just as the sun was crashing. He had parked his Motorola ...

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So these three friends went to a park to enjoy their Sunday.

Jim, Tim and Maximilian found a place near a tree to settle down and lay out their stuff. They'd been through a hectic week and they deserved this break, particularly Tim, who had been through the most. So they pulled out their drinks and lay it on the mat, and set up their radio to play some relaxi...

If a foreign diplomat recovers from COVID-19...

Does he have diplomatic immunity?

The King of the magical land Wakanda invited the President of the United States and the Queen of Britain to visit.

When they arrived, the Royal Guide of Wakanda brought them to the Palace.
"I should warn you, the beauty and luxury you will see is unparalleled." he said.
They both snorted haughtily. Surely this third-world country couldn't compete with their own riches.

But when they entered, they we...

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What did the incompetent IT guy say to his wife?

I can't recover the hard drive but I can surely fix your sex drive.

I'm recovering from surgery, and my doctor said I couldn't lift more than ten pounds.

I haven't been able to use the bathroom by myself in a week.

Doctor, How long will it take for me to recover from this accident?

Doctor: Physically 6 months and financially 12 years

While recovering from surgery in the I.C.U...

...I couldn't help feeling like someone was watching me.

Freud, Darwin and the Pope walked into a bar.

Sitting on the counter is a weird, creepy statue. As they walk in, it's eyes seem to follow them.
They approach the bar, and to their shock the statue speaks. "Enjoy your beverages, mortals."

The three are stunned for a moment.
Darwin recovers first.
"This obviously is a product of ...

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

After a long day at a conference a group of weary professionals met up at a famous bar.

After much discussion of the awesome array of gins, vodkas, whiskeys, wines, imported beers and ales, everybody ordered alcohol except for one guy. He ordered a cup of coffee.

One of his companions asked him "no offense, but why aren't you drinking?" The coffee drinker said, "I'm a recover...

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An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan...

An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats overs to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.

"HUMAN CREATURE," the alien bellows, "WE LAST VISITED YOUR PLANET A HUNDRED THOUSAND OF YOUR EARTH YEARS AGO. TELL US HOW YOU HAVE EVOLVE...

My upholstery business failed.

I'm still trying to recover.

Two recovering alcoholics decided to write a song together...

but they couldn't get past the first two bars.

President Trump has tested positive for COVID-19

Doctors are expecting a swift recovery, citing that the virus is a hoax and fake news.

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night

But I will recover.

I’m currently in a recovering alcoholics program in North Carolina.

But to keep it short, I just tell people I’m in the NCAA.

A collection of jokes from Ancient Rome

Jokes of the Ancient Romans



Some provincial man has come to Rome, and while walking on the streets he was drawing everyone's attention, being a real double of the emperor Augustus. The emperor, having brought him to the palace, looks at him and then asks: "Tell me, young man, did you...

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What does a recovering chronic masturbator and an anorexic have in common?

They're both allowed only one nut a day.

I'm a recovering alcoholic...

Recovering from a hangover.

The instructions on my microwave meal say "stir and recover"

How exhausting do they think stirring pasta is?

Apparently people who exercise have been shown to recover better and be less at risk from mental health issues...

So who said you can't run away from your problems.

My friend is a recovering alcoholic.

"As long as people stop reminding me about alcohol, I'll be fine," he declared.

"Yeah!" I said, "That's the spirit!"

I hate being a recovered kleptomaniac

I can’t take it any more

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A man walks into a bar.

He walks up to a bartender and tells her he is a recovering alcoholic and needs a beer as soon as possible.

Bartender: Are you really in recovery? Because you just ordered a beer, friend.

Man: Of course I'm recovering. I just walked into a metal fucking bar.

A man is recovering from surgery after a car crash, and he notices that both his hands are covered in casts. When a nurse comes to check on him, he asks "Will I be able to play piano after this?" "Yes, the casts should come off in a few weeks, then you should be able to play."

"That's funny, I couldn't play piano before the accident."

Why do children of recovering alcoholics have such big family reunions?

They have twelve-step-parents.

I’m a recovering alcoholic.

I didn’t quit drinking, I’m just recovering from last night.

What does a law student and a recovering alcoholic have in common?

They both have to pass the bar.

Happy International Women's Day

During a company's annual family trip to a crocodile farm in Thailand... the eccentric boss dared any of his employees to jump into the crocodiles infested pond... and swim to the shore. Anyone who survived the swim will be rewarded with 5 million... but if killed by the crocs...2 million will be gi...

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There's a little known legend about the Brothers Grimm: they wanted to write a story to rival The Ugly Duckling. For 'research' purposes, they bought a hundred ducks and released them into a cave..

..planning to return years later to document their behavior. Unfortunately both passed away before that, and the project was forgotten.


This information came to light hundreds of years later in 2>!XXX!<, during an investigation into strange quacking noises and numerous missing p...

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Recovering from the flu

Finally, I feel like I've made some progress getting over this flu I've had for nearly a week.

This morning, I sneezed and did not shit my pants.

I’m recovering from surgery, and still in some pain, so my mom asked me,”Do you want some painkillers?”

I replied, ”They couldn’t hurt.”

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A Male patient just recovered successfully from a sex threatening health attack.

He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on hospital bed.

An young nurse came to cleanse his body with sponge.

The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?”

Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just setting you clean”

The patient repeated again,...

A man is recovering from surgery.

A man is recovering from a minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him.

“How are you feeling?” she asks.

“I’m okay,” he says, “but I didn’t like the four-letter word the doctor used during surgery.”

“What did he say?” the nurse asks.

“Oops.”

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A panda walks into a bar...

The bartender greets him enthusiastically and says:

« Hey how’s it going? I’ve never had a panda in here before! What can I get you? »

The panda orders a small meal and waits at a table. After a few minutes, the bartender arrives and brings him his food.
The panda eats it and the b...

A famous Hindi joke! Let's see if the translation works!

Once, Mahatma Gandhi was on a visit to the Mental Hospital. He bumped in a patient who had recovered by then

Gandhiji asked him, "So, how are you now?"

"I feel better. Tell me what's your name?"

"Mohandas Gandhi."

"I, too, was saying this before getting admitted to the ho...

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A man is in the hospital recovering from a heart attack.

The wife excuses herself to go and talk to the Dr.. She sits down with the Dr. and asks what life after the heart attack is going to be like.

The doctor tells her "Ma'am, your husband's heart is weak, it needs to be cared for."

The wife responds "Sir, I already work full time so he ca...

Being a recovering addict is hard. I find myself even struggling to reheat my Thanksgiving leftovers

I quit cold turkey

A recovering alcoholic asked me if I wanted to hear a joke...

I said "Nah man, I don't do the dry humor."

Mike Tyson recently recovered from a meth overdose and was interviewed upon his exit from the hospital.

When asked about the full story, he responded with,

"I was really methed up at the time"

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Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.....

....He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or w...

Here in Michigan's Upper Peninsula we have a program for recovering Canadians.

It's called Eh Eh.

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A Rare Dish

This is a long one.

An English cook is trying to build up his skills as a chef. He's been working for years learning all sorts of rare and unique dishes to serve at his mentor's restaurant.

One day a wealthy guest at the restaurant asks to meet the cook and says "While I enjoyed the me...

Why do recovering addicts make good bankers?

They have a lot of experience with withdrawals

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Some Gorillas are getting drunk in the Belgian Congo... (NSFW)

So some gorillas are having some beers and goofing off at the edge of the forest in the Belgian Congo, clowning on each other, doing impressions, etc. one of them looks toward the bordering savanna and notices a lion intently stalking a distant antelope.

“Check out Mr. King of the Jungle ove...

I was chatting with my Jewish friend about my recent circumcision and how great it was and how quickly I recovered

But my friend then replied, “Oh please! Yours may have been easy but mine was so bad I couldn’t walk for a year!”

Firefighters recovered just the bottom of one shoe after the shoe factory burned down

It was the sole survivor.

I am a recovering addict...

I was addicted to the hokey pokey...

But I turned myself around.

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I heard Kayne West is said to be recovering well in hospital.

Especially after a nine hour operation to remove his head from his arsehole.

I'm a recovering optimist.

I'm getting worse day by day.

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I'm recovering from necrophilia and beastiality...

I would tell you about it, but I'd be beating off a dead horse.

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.

After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.

After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.

Th...

I honestly hope President Donald Trump gets better.

And I hope he recovers from Coronavirus as well.

Did you hear about the guy who got shot 100 times with an upholstery gun?

Don't worry he's fully recovered.

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The Duck Hunter

A hunter is out in the country one day and waiting for ducks to fly by.

After a while he sees a duck, points his gun and shoots it. The duck falls to the ground onto some farmland nearby. The hunter walks over the the farm and sees a farmer holding the dead duck.

"Hey that's my duck!"...

A C-130 was being deployed from Peterson AFB, Colorado

An hour into the flight, the plane began losing altitude. Acting quickly, the pilot decided it was necessary to airdrop items to be tracked down later in order to reach the nearest airport.

First to go was the Base Commander's new Humvee. Next was a large crate of MREs. Finally, a crate of t...

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A man at the zoo is watching the Gorillas

A big silverback is right up to the edge of the cage, and the man goes over to it.

He scratches his head and, to his surprise, the gorilla does the same. The man sees this and then scratches his armpit. Again the gorilla does the same. The man beats his chest, and again, the gorilla does ...

So I was about to propose to my girl friend when. . .

My roommate Joseph, barged into the room out of no where and tripped over a glass table, breaking it with his face. Totally ruining the mood.

Now I don't know Joseph that well, don't even know where he's from, but I decided to put my plans on hold to help him with his injury.

Joseph ha...

My grandma had cataract surgery on both eyes

I was on the phone with my grandpa asking how she was feeling.

Gpa: She’s recovering really well, she can see much clearer. She’s pretty happy with the results.

Me: That’s good, no side effects?

Gpa: There is one troubling side effect

Me: What? Is she okay?

Gp...

Simon was in a car crash with his uncle.....

Sadly his uncle died, but Simon was saved
but lost both his legs. The surgeon was able to sew his uncle's legs to his body. When he was recovered he decided to pursue his love
of music and performed in the local pub as Simon and Halfuncle.

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In a crowded bar, a drunk man enters and calls out one of the customers:

\- Hey you! I've been at your mother's place before, and I fucked her good! everyone looks shocked at the guy but he was just sipping his Scotch in peace. The man leaves and arrives after 30 minutes, saying to the same guy:

\- Hey you! I fucked your mom so good that she still hasn't recovered...

A friend of mine works making furniture

He fell into the upholstery machine.Took a while to get him out, but he's all recovered now.

Two men are playing golf.

One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.  

His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feel...

A man was reportedly shot over two hundred times last night with an upholstery gun....

Medics say that he's fully recovered.

A pregnant, middle-aged woman enters a phone store.

She walks to the counter, and the cashier with a smile says, "Hi! How can we help you today?"

"My phones pregnancy app has been playing up recently, and I was wondering if you could fix it."

"We'll take a look at the phone, and see what the problem is," He replies. He takes the phone i...

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Pinocchio goes to Geppetto for relationship advice

"Father?" Pinocchio asks. "I have a bit of a... sensitive issue. I've been talking with my girlfriend, and we want to start... making love. Only, she's worried about getting splinters, um... *down there*. Geppetto chuckles, but offers his woodworking advice. "This is nothing some simple sand paper ...

A single mother wakes up from a coma after giving birth to twins...

She asks the doctor "Where are my babies? I want to see my babies!"

The doctor says "Not to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad news."

Immediately thinking the worst, the moth...

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A gentleman on his way to a job interview in Brooklyn breaks the sole of his shoe.

Not wanting to arrive at the interview with a broken shoe, he asks some by-standers where the closest cobbler is.

“You’ll want Olaf Von Gundersen.” says one gentleman. “He isn’t very close by but he’s quick and his prices are just right.”

Having no choice, the man with the broken shoe...

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