What was the inventor of suspenders awarded for their discovery?

The no-belt prize.

Recently, I discovered my fetish for self discovery.

I just came to that conclusion!

When asked about the greatest of all his amazing accomplishments, Sir Isaac Newton cited the discovery of gravity.

He said it helped him keep his feet on the ground.

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An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special.

It was about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the Black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the Penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getti...

What did the paleontologist call his newest dinosaur discovery, after running out of new or interesting names?

The Saurus

Russian archeologists made a big discovery

As they dug a 100 meter deep hole, they found old copper wires. They made a big, worldwide announcement that the Russians were an advanced species. Even 1000 years ago they already had a copper network.

The Americans couldn't cope with the Russians being advanced longer than the Americans, so...

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A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest penis he had ever seen.

“I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,” the mortician commented, “I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive penis. It must be saved for posterity.” So he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase and took it home.

“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said to his wife, op...

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New discovery.

Scientists have recently discovered a new potato variety resembling a human penis.
They are calling it dictator!

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Scientific Discovery

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.



It's called a wedding cake.

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A new discovery in the medical field has now yielded nymphomanics new hope to combat their urges...

Studies shows that cryotherapy is a great way to chill the fuck out.

The first Person to drop a Nokia made a discovery-

A groundbreaking one

A scientist and the Catholic Pope were eating lunch together while discussing the latest news in scientific discovery.

Scientist: Right now, my research team is working on trying to clone insects using gene-replicating techniques.

Pope: That is very interesting! How far have you come along with it?

Scientist: We have engineered the cloning process, now we are going to execute our next phase which is ex...

A new discovery which makes dogs live as long as human beings...

Allowing a loving bond between them and their non vaccinated owners has been discovered.

Star Trek Discovery is going to have a female lead which will ruin the series.

The male captains wandered around aimlessly getting into trouble.

She will just ask for directions and head straight to the destination.

Cops have released a statement on the discovery of "Glory Hole" in the bathrooms of a hugely prestigious college sorority house.

Police are looking into it.

And are preparing a probing investigation.

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A man was driving on the freeway when he saw a sign that said "Whistle Blowjobs - 10 miles"

" whistle blowjobs?" He thought to himself, wondering what that was all about.

"They suck your dick while they whistle? That's impossible!"

Then he passed another sign: "Whistle Blowjobs - 5 miles"

And another: "Whistle Blowjobs - 1 mile"

At this time he was so curious...

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

A new discovery is made pertaining to the ethnicity of Ancient Egyptian Kings

Archaeologists have discovered that the kings of Ancient Egypt were in fact black. Upon unwrapping the gold sarcophagus they found the body of a dark chocolate skinned man. The legendary Pharaoh Rocher.

Did you hear about the new plate tectonics discovery?

It's ground breaking.

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The world's press gathers...

...at a press conference announced by the team at CERN in Geneva. The CERN spokeswoman steps up to the speaking podium and smiles broadly at the assembled reporters, microphones and cameras. She begins to speak.

“Thank you all for joining us today. We have some major announcements to make...

Discovery Of Zero

The great mathematician, Aryabhatta, once asked his wife, "Will you let me go out alone & enjoy with my friends over every weekend, every month?"

Wife: What is the Probability of me saying yes as per your calculation ?

That's when Aryabhatta discovered Zero

Investigating Hillary Clinton is like fishing on Discovery Channel

... you catch them, you show them, and you let them go.

My upstairs neighbor recently made a groundbreaking discovery...

He can't fly

Did you know the host of the Discovery Channel's show Dirty Jobs has 2 degrees?

In Mike Rowe Economics and Mike Rowe Biology.

Recent Scientific Discovery: Diarrhea Is Genetic.

It runs in your genes.

Did you hear about NASA's astronomical discovery?

It was a fluke. I heard they didn't plan-et.

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A student of proctology is in the morgue...

...one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the body and, to his surprise, he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum.

Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out and, t...

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Did you hear about the woman in a coma?

Day 1. So there's a woman in hospital in a coma, the nurse is giving her the daily flannel wash. She cleans the lady down as per usual until she got to her lady parts, she notices the woman's finger twitch as she cleans.

Day 2. The nurse is giving the lady in coma her wash again when a simila...

A man is walking through the woods...

when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery.

The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving?

The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"

A doctor, a priest, and a child are on a plane that is crashing down.

There are only two parachutes.

The doctor said "I'm going to have to take one. My work is saving lives and I'm on the verge of a medical discovery." He grabs a bag and jumps out.

The priest looked at the child. "Son. I have lived a wholesome life. I have took the high road and have le...

Before his inauguration, George W. Bush was invited to take a tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of water, he asked President Clinton if he could use the bathroom in the Oval Office. He was astonished to see that the president had a solid gold urinal installed. That night, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.



“Just think,” he said, “whe...

I remember when they first told me about pangea.....

It was a groundbreaking discovery

Little Johnny, a young American boy, is down at the shops when..

He sees a group of disgruntled looking Australian tourists holding maps and wandering around.

Being the inquisitive young lad that he is he decides to try and find out a bit about them. Although he cant understand a word they're saying he quickly learns that they're from an ancient Australian...

Crows are super smart

There was a study conducted on crows using cars to crack open nuts. They'd place the nut on the road during a red light, let the cars run over the nuts, and then retrieve them during the next red light.

The study also found a second interesting discovery, there were a large number of crows ...

A group of people are travelling and see a zebra which is completely white

The buisnessman says: Look! The zebra here are white!

The biologist says: That may not be true, but its an important discovery nonetheless

The statistician says: This zebra is insignificant, only one is known to exist

The mathematician says: Actually we only know that this zebra...

A Russian Scientist Teaches frogs to Jump on Command

Altogether he has four frogs. He says, "Jump, froggies, jump."

Interestingly enough they all jump at the same time.

He cuts off their front right legs to see if they jump differently. Indeed, they do. They jump on his verbal command once again.

He keeps amputating their limbs on...

A solid joke

A scientist is studying the three states of matter.

The scientist then makes an amazing discovery, the scientist in the other room then walks in, he asks "What's the matter?"

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Fat fashion designer has found a time machine [OC]

Thinking about how many opportunities of discovery await him, he went inside and clicked a button.

He soon found himself in ancient rome. He noticed all the plebs wearing cool ancient clothes so he quickly went to the nearest shopping centre.

Being fat himself, he asked the shopkeepe...

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The coroner's first day

Jack gets a job as a coroner in his local precinct, assisting the head coroner.


He starts prepping his first subject for autopsy, when he notices a cork in the corpse's behind. Putting on his gloves and grabbing an evidence bag, he slowly removes the cork and suddenly a song starts bursti...

OP meets a talking crow

One day OP decides to get off reddit for a bit and go for a nice leisurely walk. After walking for a few hours he pauses at a park bench and sits down to collect his thoughts.

A crow lands on the bench beside him and takes him off guard by saying hello.

“Are... are you a talking crow?...

The shovel.

The discovery of the shovel was a truly groundbreaking moment for humankind.

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A Protestant archaeologist uncovered Jesus Christ’s tomb.

And he discovered inside it remains, which beyond any reasonable doubt belong to Jesus Christ himself. The archaeologist understands that this could be catastrophic for Christian faith, since this means that there wasn’t any Resurrection of Christ. He’s in desperate need of advice, and so he decides...

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp. Intrigued by his discovery, he proceeds to rub the lamp and before his very eyes, a genie appears.

"I have finally been released from my slumber and now I shall grant you three wishes in return. choose wisely!" The genie says.

The man considers his de...

A legend of the Native Americans

While many people know of Sequoya, the Native American genius who developed the Cherokee alphabet, fewer have heard of another visionary – yet he made a discovery no less groundbreaking, owing nothing to the white man’s knowledge.

It fell out like this: In the early 1800s, a certain chief, ...

The Deepest Hole in the World

3 men are in a car driving down a long winding country road late at night. Suddenly the driver notices a huge hole in their path and stops the car immediately. They all get out and stand near the edge in awe. Why is this here? How deep is it? What the hell? They are quite puzzled by their disc...

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Let me tell you a story about the magical fish...

A poor man went fishing at the local lake every weekend to provide his food as he couldn't afford any food, let alone a place to live that is more than a small wooden shack. Like every saturday he makes his way down to the lake. He throws in his fishing pole and after a short while, a rather large f...

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A Black man dies and goes to heaven...

A man named John dies and awakens at the gates of heaven. He is promptly judged as worthy and let in. John is led to his old childhood home and sees his wife waiting for him on the front porch, looking as beautiful as the day he met her. He's delighted to see her and they embrace.

So they sp...

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NSFW The National Anthem and a blowjob

While at lunch, Joe tells Phil that he hooked up with someone the previous night. Joe mentions that the woman he hooked up with (let's call her Ann) gave him some of the best head he's ever had. Curious about this amazing blowjob, Phil asks Joe what made it so special. Joe then says that Ann sang th...

A blonde calls her friend...

"Get here NOW! I made such a discovery!"

A friend comes over.

"Look!", blonde says, and turns off the light.

"Well, it's dark..."

"Do you know where the light went?"

"Um... No...?"

Blonde marches her friend to a refrigerator through the darkened apartment. P...

Pencil Box Kingdom

Who's the king of the pencil box?

The ruler.

What's the kingdom's most important discovery?

Pencillin.

What is the national sport?

Erasing.

What's the national motto?

Keep calm, Crayon.

Who are their discriminated minority?

The whites....

An architect was exploring Asia

When he found himself lost, he asked a stranger where he was. The stranger replied "Soviet Russia". The architect thanks her and journey to the next archeological site.

He is in a cave, looking for early human marks, when all of a sudden, he sees a round thing with a timer. He realized its a ...

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The Mermaid Joke

On the outskirts of a small town in eastern Missouri, there once lived a farmer, his wife, and their three sons. Once upon a time their dairy farm had been huge, and business was booming. But a terrible cow-afflicting disease swept throughout the town, and hit this families bovine particularly hard ...

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A particularly disheveled scientist discovered a way to convert human waste into a functioning liver.

When asked about the inspiration for his discovery he said "it was the only way I was ever going to get my shit organ-ized"

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A man's wife was in a coma.

He waited by her side every day for years.
One day as the nurse was giving her a sponge bath, she started to become more alert and her heart rate increased once she moved the sponge across her vagina.
The nurse came up with a plan and told the husband about the discovery.
"I think you sh...

A scientist is studying a trained frog.

This frog has been trained to jump on command. Any time it hears the phrase "Jump, frog, jump!" it leaps with all its might.
The scientist prepares a scalpel, sewing kit, and measuring tape and begins his experiment; he says "Jump, frog, jump!" and as soon as the frog hears his voice, it jumps....

Two famous explorers decided to trek across Canada...

They planned for months to make it the perfect trip, and they each had the support of their respective governments. Each explorer was to make a daily video call to their country's #1 news station to update them on their trip, in return for funding.
The explorer from Poland set out, and he met th...

Urethra! I've done it!

...says the gynecologist after a spectacular discovery.

"I don't think that's quite right sir," says the patient.

The Toaster leads the Kitchen Appliances on Strike. [LONG]

I looked around the kitchen in exasperation.

"We have will be heard! We have a voice! We have rights!"

"Umm, no you don't." I said to the speaker, "you're literally a wok."

"Well that may be, but we will not be abused any longer!"

A chorus of "Yeah," "You tell 'im!" and "...

Working at a Land Rover factory is so interesting

I make a new Discovery every day

What were the headlines like when the shovel was invented?

There's been a ground breaking discovery...

A scientist is running experiments with spiders...

He believes he has discovered something profound so he calls up everyone he can, family, friends, press to come see him present his discovery to the world.

Everyone shows up and the scientist begins his experiment. He has 8 spiders lined up in a row and he says simply "walk three steps forwar...

A man walks into a barber shop..

A man walks into a barber shop looking to get a clean shave. The barber gives him a small wooden egg and tells him to put it under his cheek to help with the shave. The man is skeptical at first but he inserts it into his mouth and sure enough, the shave is done beautifully with no nicks or scratche...

I was searching for bear photos

When I made a grizzly discovery

If Donald Trump was asked "If oxygen was discovered in 1783, how could human breathe before", this would probably be his answer.

I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me, and they ask me. They say, 'How do people breathe before the discovery of oxygen'? And I tell them, look, we know what oxygen is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of chemistry you c...

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Reddit, trade Sean Connery jokes with me (warning: contains shockingly bad puns)

The joke I heard here that started it all:

What time does Sean Connery show up at Wimbledon?
*Tennish*

Now, thanks to that discovery, I'm stuck in a tour van with four dudes and we are all hopelessly addicted. Here are what I consider to be our top ten:

1. Did you hear about ...

There have been few historical examples of wars with three opposing sides.

One such example occurred in the 11th century, with the three belligerents being the French, the English (Anglos) and the Vikings. The rivalry between each group was quite intense, and unlike other situations, the two weaker groups at the time did not join together to fight the strongest. Instead, t...

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The time my grandpa went to Africa

One day I was sitting with my grandpa watching TV. As it happened we were watching the Discovery channel when a show about Africa came on.


"Hmph, Africa... I've been there." My grandpa said.


"Really?" I asked, "I never knew you went to Africa grandpa, when was this?"

...

My friend has been hiding something.

I was cleaning my friend's room for him the other day and moved a pile of clothes off of the floor and into the hamper. To my surprise, when I lifted them, I found a perfectly gelled, expertly trimmed mustache on the ground, I saw him the next day and confronted him about my discovery. ''You got me....

A Broken Watch

A guy is walking down the street and suddenly notices that his watch has stopped working. As he stands there musing over this discovery, he notices that the display window of a nearby shop has several dozen watches and clocks in it.

The man steps inside the door of the shop and asks the propr...

One day an auto mechanic was working under a car...

and some brake fluid accidentally dripped into his mouth.

"Wow," he thought to himself. "That stuff tastes good!"

The next day he told a friend about his amazing discovery.

"It's really good," he said. "I think I'll have a little more today."

His friend was concerned ...

Dr. Drobkin was a world famous cardiologist...

He grew up in a very small town and when he had finished all of his schooling, he returned to his small hometown and opened a practice which also became world famous. A short time after his practice had gained credibility and esteem, Dr. Drobkin made a fantastic discovery about the treatment of card...

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Message from space

NASA picks up an unexpected signal from space and the whole world is excited about the discovery. After a lot of hard work, an international team of scientists decrypts and translates the transmission.
The revealed message is: "PLEASE TELL US ABOUT YOURSELVES".

Computing resources of the w...

Probably longest spider-joke in the world

There was this manager of a psychiatric ward who walks down the aisles to look if everything is in order. As he walks by one of the rooms, a patient approaches him: *"Sir you need to see what I just found out. This is a discovery no one has made before."* As the manager had nothing better to do and ...

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The boy who was born a head

After giving birth to little baby boy, a couple were intrigued to learn that he had been born without a body.

The doctors were baffled by this discovery, and they learned to their astonishment that the boy would live. Furthermore, they could even perform a body transplant if a suitable dono...

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