A detective story

11:45 - arrived at crime scene

11:45 - Examined body. Signs of struggle

11:45 - Found murder weapon in drain

11:45 - Realised watch was broken

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

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A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.

He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."



The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an a...

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and...

My wife has a sinus condition that suppresses her ability to detect odors

But she gets offended when I tell people that she doesn't smell good.

Why did Quasimodo make such a great detective?

He always had a hunch.

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2 detectives are in an elevator

The first one asks the second detective what floor he has to go to. The second detective says to him “third floor” the first detective stares at him weirdly, then back at the buttons, noticing there were 8 buttons. He originally thought there were only 4. He turned to the second detective and says “...

What do you call a detective and a part-time electrician?

Sherlock Ohms!

Detective: What did you find in the serial killers home?

Police: Head shoulders knees and toes, knees and toes

Two detective bees are chatting around the hive water cooler...

Detective Bee 1: So, what happened with that poor kid that got mugged this morning?

Detective Bee 2: Eh, victim’s pretty rattled. Can’t even tell me if it was two bees or not two bees.

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

Wife: "My husband has got to be the worst detective!"

Wife: "My husband has got to be the worst detective!"

Friend: "Why do you say that?"

Wife: "He said he wouldn't rest until he found his suspect"

Friend: "That doesn't sound so bad"

Wife: "He was talking in his sleep!"

What do you call a croc who does detective work?

Investigator!

Detective Work

A urologist is sitting down to lunch when he gets a call from a NYPD detective. Puzzled, he picks up the phone and listens as the detective details the fact patterns of a homicide. After about 5 minutes the detective finishes, re-summarizes the facts, and asks the urologist: "Who do you think comm...

A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people every time they tell a lie...

Dad: what were you watching?

Son: Kung-Fu Panda

*\*robot slaps son\**

Son: Ok! It was an erotic movie.

Dad: WHAT?! When I was your age i didn’t even know what an erotic movie was

*\*robot slaps dad\**

Mum: HAHAHA!!! He’s your son after all

*\*robot s...

What do you call a detective in bed?

Going undercover.

(came up with this at 12am one random night)

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Detective Shakespeare and his new partner Jameson are on a case...

the Murder of a young man named Jonathan, Detective Shakespeare arrives first and asks the neighbors and the witnesses, he writes the name of 10 people as suspects, after further investigations, he narrows the number of suspects down to 2 young men, Maximilianus and Tobias, then Jameson, who oversle...

I'm color blind and the other day I thought I could actually detect purple,

but it was just a pigment of my imagination.

Breaking News in North Korea: 11.47PM - 1 active Covid case detected !

Update at 11.48PM - 0 active Covid cases

I’ve always wanted to follow in my father’s footsteps and become a detective

Person: oh was he a detective?

Me: No he was a criminal.

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Playgrounds in the UK have been fitted with advanced paedophile detection systems to help protect children

The company behind the technology has called it NonceSense™

A detective is investigating a crime scene in Mexico.

A cop fills him in on what happened.

“Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he killed the train operator out of jealousy”

“Wow” says the detective, looking up at the train in question.

“That’s some locomotive”

Detective: Where have you been the last 24 hours?

Me: I’ve been working on the railroad

Detective: For how long?

Me: Ur not going to believe this

A detective went for a circumcision.

It was a tip off.

A detective was working on a case ...

..... Because he couldn’t afford a desk.

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A father buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people who lie, when he gets home for dinner he decides to test it out.

He asks his son what he did this afternoon,

The son says "I went to friends house and did homework." The robot slapped him.

"Ok, I lied. We watched a movie." he sheepishly said.

"What movie?" asked the father.

"Toy Story." The son answered and was again slapped by the r...

The blonde detective

A blonde woman wants to prove she is smart, so she goes down to the local police station and says that she wants to become a detective. The police chief decides to humor her, and asks her "Okay, can you tell what is 1 and 1?" "Eleven", she replies. The chief thinks a moment and says, "That's not wh...

What’s a good name for a detective?

Mr. E

* My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind

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Sherlock and Watson returned from a walk around London. Sherlock says "Damn, I think stepped in some dog shit. Watson, can you check?" After checking the shoes of the detective, Watson confidently announced

No shit Sherlock

A man says he can detect HIV just by listening To it

He calls the Programm "Hearing Aids"

Him: I have the ability to detect whenever I'm near a certain type of Middle-Eastern bread.

Her: Well, that's just naan sense.

There are dedicated detectives who investigate especially heinous crimes as members of an elite squad known as the SVU. This is one of their less successful stories...

In a stake-out operation at a local bar, an undercover SVU officer was approached by Eva, an exotic dancer, who offered him a private lap dance in the back room. Within seconds, before starting her routine, she was arrested and charged with solicitation.

Later at trial, her defence lawyer i...

[NSFW] Officer: "The victim was dismembered and sacrificed on an altar of antlers"

Detective: "Dear God"

Officer: "Most likely"

Will the detectives find the body?

Remains to be seen.

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

Did you hear the one about the detective that found a lost jar of cheese dip in the fridge?

He cracked that cold queso...

I'm going to write a TV show about a detective living in Hawaii who uses mathematics to solve crimes in a circular fashion

that's right, Magnum Pi.

ME [a detective]: The victim has 2 puncture wounds on his neck. He was obviously bitten by a vampire.

######OTHER DETECTIVE [Holding up bloody BBQ fork]:
I think he was stabbed with this.

**ME [Pinching bridge of nose]:** Gary… why would a vampire use a BBQ fork?

A detective went to investigate a fisherman

He said “I want to ask you some questions.” To which the fisherman replied “Sure,But you need to buy me some worms first” the detective says “God dammit I’m here to investigate not invest in bait”

My police department made all their homicide detectives enter a two-week quarantine.

>!They had coroner-virus.

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An old fisherman suspected his wife of cheating, so he hired a private investigator...

This is a long one, so bear with me.

The fisherman and his wife lived in Saint John’s, Newfoundland and he made his living by going out into the ocean to net cod under the watchful eye of his captain.

In those days, the best fishing was to be found far out on the banks very far from...

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When it gets dark, I have a supernatural ability to detect when and at what altitude murderous clowns ejaculate.

I can feel IT cumming in the air tonight.

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A jealous husband hired a detective to keep a watch on his wife.

The husband wanted more than a written report—he wanted a video of his wife’s activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!
He saw the two ...

What do you call a detective that sucks at multitasking?

Threadlock Holmes

A detective goes to a metal manufacturing plant...

He is there to investigate the death of a factory owner. The man was an esteemed author and visionary, who unfortunately was crushed to death in his factory. The detective approaches a worker for information.

“What was the product of this facility?”

“The owner loved words, and was obs...

A scientist invented a new machine that could detect lies

So he called three women to test it. A brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

First he asked the brunette to say something. She said,“i think i can eat 12 burgers with an empty stomach”. The machine beeped. “ okay, maybe 8”. The machine was quiet.

Next he asked the redhead to test it. She...

"Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Detective" "Detective who?"

I'm asking the questions here, pal.





\*Credit to a friend's 5 year old!\*

"I really don't think you have a case, sir," said the detective as my wife washed her hair and cried from the bathroom.

"How can you say that?!" I demanded. "That hairstylist is a monster!"

"Look, sir, I can't just go around arresting every barber that gives a bad haircut." He glanced at his notes. "Even if he made her 'look like Captain Kirk.'"

"I never said he made her look like Captain Kirk!" I barke...

Why couldn't the detective solve the Alabama murder case despite having the dna samples

It matched with everyone

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Sherlock Holmes died

Sherlock Holmes died, and went to heaven.

Apostle Peter stands at the gate and asks him:

\- Who are you?

\- I'm the best detective in the world.

\- Alright then go and find me Adam and Eve in paradise , because there are too many people, and I can't find them.
...

A dumb joke I thought of a couple weeks ago.

A truck carrying cows and a truck carrying cannabis get into a car accident. Neither party can agree on who’s fault the accident was, so they hire a detective. This is the detective’s first day on the job and his boss tells him, “If you can solve this case you get a promotion, however if you fail yo...

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My girlfriend said she was tired of me acting like a detective and told me that we should split up

I said "Good idea we'll cover more ground that way"

She also got pissed at me and said that I ruined her birthday which I have no idea how I didn't even know it was her birthday


I heard these two jokes when I was a kid and they've always made me laugh, I know they are kind of old b...

US Battleship and Canadian Navy

I remembered an old joke I read awhile back. Some details may be off, but figured I had to share:

An American battleship ship is traveling at night around Canada when the radio comes on. It says "Canadian Navy to American Battleship, we have detected that you are on a collision course with us...

Somebody robbed the police department yesterday and stole all the toilets

Sadly, the detectives have nothing to go on

I have a fridge that beeps when it detects mold

Spoiler alert

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

“How was he killed” asked one detective. “With a golf gun.” Replied the second detective.

“A golf gun? What’s a golf gun?”

“I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan”

Thw detective knew immediately which ballerina was the killer.

Because guilty feet have got no rhythm.

A software developer claims to have written a condition that detects items larger than medium size.

Big if true.

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A carpenter quits his job and becomes a detective

Two other detectives on the force decide to see how far they can go before the new guy cracks and decide to take him to a grisly post-mortem.

The ME pulls the sheet off the corpse to reveal his totally naked body and the ex-carpenter seems slightly shocked, the two detectives grin, this might...

I coded a program to detect Al Gore’s speech by his cadences.

I used an algorithm.

A drunk driver is being interrogated

Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top

Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..

Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.

Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car...

I've read about an airport infra-red camera that detected breast cancer.

I guess we can't stress enough the importance of mass surveillance.

What did the detective say after finding a calculator?

"Hmm... Now everything is starting to add up..."

The detective picks up a scent of Cuban tobacco on the victim’s body.

From this, he deduces that the killer was a smoker. He also discovers a crumpled up sheet of paper that has an address scribbled out on it. This leads him to the doorsteps of an old apartment. The detective readies his gun and barges in, eager to find a clue that ties the house to the suspect. But o...

Why is it so hard to be a detective in the North Pole?

Everything is a cold case.

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A detective uncovers that his gf is a prostitute, throws the cuffs on and says...

You're coming with me.

A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant

He heard there was a fishy business.

The smartest detective in the world was brought in to help solve a terrible crime...

"We have a lot of suspects, sir," said the officer. "Why don't you tell me about them?" asks the detective.

"Well first, we found this guy hiding in the bushes." - "It wasn't Russell," replies the detective.

"How about the wife of this hippie?" - "Mississippi? Not her."

"We got...

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A man buys a lie detecting robot and brings it home.

Whenever the robot detected a lie, it was programmed to slap the shit out of whoever told the lie.

The man sets the dinner table with the robot and invites his family to eat.

The man starts off the dinner by asking his son what he did after school.

The son said: “I stayed after ...

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A husband hires a private detective to find out if his wife is cheating on him.

The detective reports back and says he discovered, unfortunately, that she is.

"What happened?" asks the husband

"She went to a hotel and waited in the bar area. On three different occasions men came up to her, handed her $50 and she would give them a key. 5 minutes later she would dis...

Why do detectives look to a Will when searching for murder suspects?

Because a Will is a dead giveaway.

Three Idiot Detectives

Three idiots were training to become detectives. Their superior decided to test them by having them catch an escaped criminal.

He showed the first idiot a picture of the criminal and asked, “How would you catch this man?”

“That’s easy,” said the first idiot. “He’s only got one eye, so...

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?

He kept cracking cases.

What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?

Where were you on the night of September to March?

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What did the detective say when she discovered the toilet at the crime scene?

Shit went down here.

What do you call a lizard that works as a detective?

An investi-gator.

A detective and his partner were tracking a thief--their two suspects were an Eskimo and a Canadian.

The detective had told his partner he knew it was the Eskimo, but he didn't have any hard evidence to support his theory.

Finally, at a stakeout, they caught the criminal in the act--and sure enough, as they emerged from the shadows, the perpetrator was the Eskimo. Vindicated, the detective...

What does a short sighted detective wear?

Suspectacles

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There once lived a great detective...

There once lived a great detective named Stewart. He was the best detective of his time. But he was no ordinary detective. He could solve every case he encountered with the help of the magical powers bestowed to him by a fairy.

The fairy gave him the power to gain insight on any case by think...

What do you call a reptilian detective that just can't let something go?

An investedgator

Billy Joel: "We didn’t start the fire."

Detective: "I haven’t mentioned a fire."

Billy Joel: "Damn."

Amputees make horrible detectives

The know they are missing something, but they just can’t put their finger on it.

What's the difference between a detective and a pirate?

One's a private eye, and the other is a private-ear

I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.

One day I asked him why.

He told me "I am always in purrsuit."

After months of detective work, police have uncovered the bodies of a number of missing persons...

These bodies which number in the dozens, were buried in the backyard of a suspected mass murderer. Upon investigation, the police found a series of mass graves. These holes had been dug up by the alleged killer, and contained dismembered body parts, including torsos, extremities, and decapitated hea...

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I met a 14 year old girl on the internet.

She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up.


She turned out to be an undercover detective.


How cool is that at her age?!

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Dangers of AI ( no relation to Alexa)

One day a dad comes home from work, with anew robot he's been working on.

During dinner he shows it to the family, explaining that how it detects liars and slaps them.

Dad: what did you do today son?

Son: went to school.

The robot promptly slaps the son.

Dad: are y...

Dogs operating XRays cannot detect brain tumours.

But CAT scan!

What would a skeptic say if you were to tell them that you had a supernatural ability to detect Indian bread?

Naansense!

A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand

After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies.

"If someone makes a mistake" he points out "It would be impossible to detect. Even worse, the error would continue to be made"

A bit s...

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Astronomers detected radio signals from the same source 1.5 billion light years away.

And I can't get the fucking WiFi connection in my room.

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