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Detect Jokes

What’s a good name for a detective?

Mr. E

* My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that'...

A detective story

11:45 - arrived at crime scene

11:45 - Examined body. Signs of struggle

11:45 - Found murder weapon in drain

11:45 - Realised watch was broken

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lie detecting robot

A lady buys a lie detecting robot. If you tell a lie around it, it slaps you; hard. She goes home and places it on the dining room table.

That night, the family is having dinner at the table, and the her husband looks over at their teenage son and asks "Son, what did you do all day while we w...

A detective was once called to a farm in rural Tennessee to investigate a murder. [OC]

Upon arriving, he asked the farmer what had happened.

“Well” the farmer said, “I was working in my barn, replacing the oil filter on the tractor when I heard somebody scream, then a loud ‘wham’, and then silence. I rushed outside and saw my farmhand, dead in the middle of the yard, with a poo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.

He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."



The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an a...

What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally?

Sheer Luck Holmes

What is the most common question the Finnish detective asks a suspect?

"What were you doing the night between November and May?"

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

“How was he killed” asked one detective. “With a golf gun.” Replied the second detective.

“A golf gun? What’s a golf gun?”

“I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a constipated detective?

No shit Sherlock

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

What do detectives and alcoholics have in common?

They both like to crack cases

I knew a detective that was a cannibal

He loved grilling people.

Why do trees make bad detectives?

They always get stumped!

What is similar to windows but can instantly detect the cause of most common computer-problems?

A mirror

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband hires a private detective to find out if his wife is cheating on him.

The detective reports back and says he discovered, unfortunately, that she is.

"What happened?" asks the husband

"She went to a hotel and waited in the bar area. On three different occasions men came up to her, handed her $50 and she would give them a key. 5 minutes later she would dis...

Why do podiatrists make great detectives?

Because they can always sense when trouble is afoot.

What does a detective with bad posture say?

"I have a hunch."

The programmer detective

After weeks of hard work, the programmer detective had narrowed the criminal down to two suspects.

He just needed a bit more information.

What do you call a real estate agency opened by a detective?

Sherlock Homes

(I don’t know if it was posted before but I found the joke by myself )

What did the detective name his dog?

Snoopy

I'm color blind and the other day I thought I could actually detect purple,

but it was just a pigment of my imagination.

After replacing their old C++ code with Google's new programming language, Tinder can now automatically detect its users' age

This is because it's a Carbon dating app.

What sentence can be heard in an orgy of private detectives?

"It's all coming together"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the persistent and horny detective out looking for clues?

He was searching long and hard

"Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Detective" "Detective who?"

I'm asking the questions here, pal.





\*Credit to a friend's 5 year old!\*

The blonde detective

A blonde woman wants to prove she is smart, so she goes down to the local police station and says that she wants to become a detective. The police chief decides to humor her, and asks her "Okay, can you tell what is 1 and 1?" "Eleven", she replies. The chief thinks a moment and says, "That's not wh...

There's a detective who figures out crime by sitting on the toilet.

He solves cases by process of elimination.

I found a Land Rover whilst metal detecting today

It was a lovely discovery

Where do Detectives park their vehicles?

Undercover.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my friend that I knew a famous constipated English detective.

He said. “No shit Sherlock.”

I guess he knew him too.

Three Idiot Detectives

Three idiots were training to become detectives. Their superior decided to test them by having them catch an escaped criminal.

He showed the first idiot a picture of the criminal and asked, “How would you catch this man?”

“That’s easy,” said the first idiot. “He’s only got one eye, so...

My wife has a sinus condition that suppresses her ability to detect odors

But she gets offended when I tell people that she doesn't smell good.

I went metal detecting in Germany hoping to find an old coin.

I missed the mark though.

Did you hear about the detective who dropped his phone?

He cracked the case

I did surgery on a detective today...

...it was an open and shut case.

Detective Work

A urologist is sitting down to lunch when he gets a call from a NYPD detective. Puzzled, he picks up the phone and listens as the detective details the fact patterns of a homicide. After about 5 minutes the detective finishes, re-summarizes the facts, and asks the urologist: "Who do you think comm...

A detective is investigating a crime scene in Mexico.

A cop fills him in on what happened.

“Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he killed the train operator out of jealousy”

“Wow” says the detective, looking up at the train in question.

“That’s some locomotive”

What do you call when you cross a detective with an electrician

Sherlock Ohms

(sorry if this is repost, I thought of it in class)

Detective 1: I think the accountant did it. I found a calculator at the crime scen

Detective 2: that adds up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dr. Watson approached the infamous detective and informed him about his uncomfortable state of prolonged constipation.

"No shit, Sherlock.'

The private detective is called to a crime scene

As he enters the very large and rustic mansion, he is led to the location where the body was found. It seems like the perfect crime scene. No prints, no clues, just a dead man, with no signs of how he was murdered.

The detective says: “do you have any suspects?” The police officer in charge o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The FBI, Interpol and Mumbai police are having a competition as to who is the best detective squad.

The test is simple. They leave a rabbit into the woods and the team who finds the rabbit in the fastest time wins.

Interpol goes first. They go into the forest, hunt for clues, interrogate the animals, set a trap for the rabbit at its favorite watering hole and within a month, they have captu...

Dogs operating XRays cannot detect brain tumours.

But CAT scan!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 detectives are in an elevator

The first one asks the second detective what floor he has to go to. The second detective says to him “third floor” the first detective stares at him weirdly, then back at the buttons, noticing there were 8 buttons. He originally thought there were only 4. He turned to the second detective and says “...

A scientist invented a new machine that could detect lies

So he called three women to test it. A brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

First he asked the brunette to say something. She said,“i think i can eat 12 burgers with an empty stomach”. The machine beeped. “ okay, maybe 8”. The machine was quiet.

Next he asked the redhead to test it. She...

The three blonde detective trainees

A police officer was tasked to train three blonde women to become detectives.

He showed them a picture of a man for five seconds before asking the first blonde how she would recognize him in the streets. "Oh, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The police officer exclaimed: "Are you stu...

Turns out dogs can't detect cancer

Cats can...

Why do TV-detectives hate round buildings?

The solution is always right around the corner.

I coded a program to detect Al Gore’s speech by his cadences.

I used an algorithm.

The Mars rover has detected the first signs of life on Mars.

It seems that it has received signals from 'Hot MILFs in it's area'

A duck and a detective are investigating a crime scene.

Duck: It looks like the man was stabbed

Detective : Do you suspect fowl play?

Duck: please focus, there may be a killer on the loose.

Detective: You’re right, I really hope we can quack this case and put it to bread

Why would Quasimodo make such a good detective?

He's always got a hunch.

I'm surprised how few artist branch out to become detectives.

Afterall, they're really good at drawing conclusions.

what did the owl thats a detective say?

hoo did it?

The Detective's Conundrum

The detective walked into the smokey room. His assistant scurried in after. He took in the scene.

A dim light.
A flipped table.
And 53 bicycles laying all around the floor.

"It's apparent what he wrong here," the detective said.

"What is it?" asked the perplexed assist...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet...

She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy.

I suggested we meet up.

She turned out to be an undercover detective.

How cool is that at her age?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The lie detecting robot

One day, a father goes out to a store and buys a lie detector robot. To make sure it works the father turns it on and says “I am 18 years old” then out of nowhere the robot slaps the father. Realizing that it works, the father decides to test it at dinner the same night.

Father: “So, son. Wha...

What do you call a detective in bed?

Going undercover.

(came up with this at 12am one random night)

I've often found that shoe salesmen make quite good detectives...

They always know when something is afoot.

Amputees make horrible detectives

The know they are missing something, but they just can’t put their finger on it.

A girl is fed up with her boyfriend's unhealthy obsession with detective movies, and wants to break up with him.

"This is too much. We really should split up."

"Good idea, we can cover more ground that way."

What do you call a croc who does detective work?

Investigator!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Astronomers detected radio signals from the same source 1.5 billion light years away.

And I can't get the fucking WiFi connection in my room

Wife: "My husband has got to be the worst detective!"

Wife: "My husband has got to be the worst detective!"

Friend: "Why do you say that?"

Wife: "He said he wouldn't rest until he found his suspect"

Friend: "That doesn't sound so bad"

Wife: "He was talking in his sleep!"

The police chief is interviewing applicants for a detective job.

The chief says to the three applicants "Alright, one of the most important things for a detective is to have good observational skills, so I'm going to give you all a little test. You'll each get a photo to examine for just five seconds, then you have to tell me what you notice about the subject's a...

Him: I have the ability to detect whenever I'm near a certain type of Middle-Eastern bread.

Her: Well, that's just naan sense.

I have a fridge that beeps when it detects mold

Spoiler alert

The World's Greatest Detective.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were camping. They'd gone to sleep beneath the night sky, when Holmes awoke and shook his companion.

"Watson, look at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions of brilliant stars," Watson answered.

"And what does that tell you?"

"As...

"Detective, we found the body eviscerated under an altar made of antlers."

Detective: "Dear, God..."

Officer: "Yeah, probably."

A detective finds a new clue, a coiled and bloody fishing line

Turns out, it was just a red hair ring

Hunchbacks would make great detectives

They can start off every investigation saying, "Hmm, I have a hunch".

A detective was working on a case ...

..... Because he couldn’t afford a desk.

Detective Chen Lee

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir,

You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house. I watch.
...

Two detective bees are chatting around the hive water cooler...

Detective Bee 1: So, what happened with that poor kid that got mugged this morning?

Detective Bee 2: Eh, victim’s pretty rattled. Can’t even tell me if it was two bees or not two bees.

Detective 1: "Why do you keep bringing Quasimodo to the crime scenes? He doesn't have any real facts or information."

Detective 2: "Say what you will about him, but he's got a hunch."

Detective: What did you find in the serial killers home?

Police: Head shoulders knees and toes, knees and toes

What did the detective say after finding a calculator?

"Hmm... Now everything is starting to add up..."

Thw detective knew immediately which ballerina was the killer.

Because guilty feet have got no rhythm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When it gets dark, I have a supernatural ability to detect when and at what altitude murderous clowns ejaculate.

I can feel IT cumming in the air tonight.

The world's leading scientists build a lie-detecting machine...

...so powerful that if you are detected to be lying, it you immediately drop dead.

They bring around three test subjects. The first one, an Irishman, is hooked to the machine. He says, "I think I don't drink" and the next moment, he's dead. Next, it's the Asian's turn. She says, "I think I'm ...

What does a short sighted detective wear?

Suspectacles

Deficiency

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"That's easy," he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Detective Shakespeare and his new partner Jameson are on a case...

the Murder of a young man named Jonathan, Detective Shakespeare arrives first and asks the neighbors and the witnesses, he writes the name of 10 people as suspects, after further investigations, he narrows the number of suspects down to 2 young men, Maximilianus and Tobias, then Jameson, who oversle...

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