A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

My wife told me we should split up because I keep pretending to be a detective

I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way

My GF said she was fed up with me acting like a detective.She wanted to split up.

I said,Good Idea,That way we can cover more ground!

The private detective is called to a crime scene

As he enters the very large and rustic mansion, he is led to the location where the body was found. It seems like the perfect crime scene. No prints, no clues, just a dead man, with no signs of how he was murdered.

The detective says: “do you have any suspects?” The police officer in charge o...

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What do you call a constipated British detective from the 19th century?

No shit Sherlock

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Lie Detecting Robot for Sale!

A father buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. When his son arrives home, he asks him what he did today.

"I did my homework right after school at the library." says the son. The robot promptly slaps him.

"Ouch!" said ...

I did surgery on a detective today...

...it was an open and shut case.

A duck and a detective are investigating a crime scene.

Duck: It looks like the man was stabbed

Detective : Do you suspect fowl play?

Duck: please focus, there may be a killer on the loose.

Detective: You’re right, I really hope we can quack this case and put it to bread

I'm surprised how few artist branch out to become detectives.

Afterall, they're really good at drawing conclusions.

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I told my friend that I knew a famous constipated English detective.

He said. “No shit Sherlock.”

I guess he knew him too.

A detective story

11:45 - arrived at crime scene

11:45 - Examined body. Signs of struggle

11:45 - Found murder weapon in drain

11:45 - Realised watch was broken

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife

The husband wanted more than a written report , he wanted video of his wife's activities . A week later , the detective returned with a video . They sat down together to watch it
Although the quality was less than professional , the husband saw his wife meeting another man ! He saw the two of...

An Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman...

...are robbing the manor house.

One of them trips the alarm and before you know it the cops arrive with sirens blaring and lights flashing.

The three unlucky gents are in the kitchen, and looking around the Scotsman spies three empty sacks in the corner..." right lads....in the sacks...

The Mars rover has detected the first signs of life on Mars.

It seems that it has received signals from 'Hot MILFs in it's area'

"Detective, we found the body eviscerated under an altar made of antlers."

Detective: "Dear, God..."

Officer: "Yeah, probably."

Why do TV-detectives hate round buildings?

The solution is always right around the corner.

I've often found that shoe salesmen make quite good detectives...

They always know when something is afoot.

A detective finds a new clue, a coiled and bloody fishing line

Turns out, it was just a red hair ring

My wife has a sinus condition that suppresses her ability to detect odors

But she gets offended when I tell people that she doesn't smell good.

what did the owl thats a detective say?

hoo did it?

I'm color blind and the other day I thought I could actually detect purple,

but it was just a pigment of my imagination.

Why would Quasimodo make such a good detective?

He's always got a hunch.

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I’ve designed a bathroom stall door that will open for everyone except British detectives.

It’s called a No Shit, Sure-Lock.

Someone stole all the pencils at the police station

Detectives have no leads.

What’s a good name for a detective?

Mr. E

* My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind

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What do you call a detective that can pitch a perfect game of baseball.

A dick with no balls.

Start using "/s" today!

How else are you going to remind others about their inability to detect sarcasm? /s

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2 detectives are in an elevator

The first one asks the second detective what floor he has to go to. The second detective says to him “third floor” the first detective stares at him weirdly, then back at the buttons, noticing there were 8 buttons. He originally thought there were only 4. He turned to the second detective and says “...

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people every time they tell a lie...

Dad: what were you watching?

Son: Kung-Fu Panda

*\*robot slaps son\**

Son: Ok! It was an erotic movie.

Dad: WHAT?! When I was your age i didn’t even know what an erotic movie was

*\*robot slaps dad\**

Mum: HAHAHA!!! He’s your son after all

*\*robot s...

A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to investigate. A few days later, he received this letter:

Most Honorable Sir,

You leave house, he come to house. He and she leave house, I follow. He and she go to hotel, I climb tree to see. He kiss she, she kiss he. He strip she, she strip he. I play with me, I fall out of tree, I not see.

No fee,

Chen Lee

A man says he can detect HIV just by listening To it

He calls the Programm "Hearing Aids"

A peach murder-suicides his wife and children…

Three days later, a pineapple detective arrives to the crime scene and begins to observe the deteriorated remains of the family.

Pineapple says, “well that’s just the pits.”

"No forced entry,"

the detective mused. "That means it could only be .... the piano player!"

Everyone gasped and turned towards the mild-mannered entertainer.

"He's the only one who has all the keys!"

Wife: "My husband has got to be the worst detective!"

Wife: "My husband has got to be the worst detective!"

Friend: "Why do you say that?"

Wife: "He said he wouldn't rest until he found his suspect"

Friend: "That doesn't sound so bad"

Wife: "He was talking in his sleep!"

What does 2020 have in common with a raven detective?

Corvid noir.

What do you call a croc who does detective work?

Investigator!

A detective is investigating a crime scene in Mexico.

A cop fills him in on what happened.

“Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he killed the train operator out of jealousy”

“Wow” says the detective, looking up at the train in question.

“That’s some locomotive”

A drunk driver is being interrogated

Detective: okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top

Driver: I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..

Detective: Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.

Driver: NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and...

Detective: What did you find in the serial killers home?

Police: Head shoulders knees and toes, knees and toes

Two detective bees are chatting around the hive water cooler...

Detective Bee 1: So, what happened with that poor kid that got mugged this morning?

Detective Bee 2: Eh, victim’s pretty rattled. Can’t even tell me if it was two bees or not two bees.

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

What do you call a detective in bed?

Going undercover.

(came up with this at 12am one random night)

Breaking News in North Korea: 11.47PM - 1 active Covid case detected !

Update at 11.48PM - 0 active Covid cases

Criminal suspect identification.

Police detective: 'What can you remember about your mugger?'

Victim: 'He was slim built, with dark hair and wore a cap.'

Police detective: 'Anything else you remember?'

Victim: 'He had a moustache, about 6 foot 2.'

Police detective: That's one hell of a moustache

Detective Work

A urologist is sitting down to lunch when he gets a call from a NYPD detective. Puzzled, he picks up the phone and listens as the detective details the fact patterns of a homicide. After about 5 minutes the detective finishes, re-summarizes the facts, and asks the urologist: "Who do you think comm...

The blonde detective

A blonde woman wants to prove she is smart, so she goes down to the local police station and says that she wants to become a detective. The police chief decides to humor her, and asks her "Okay, can you tell what is 1 and 1?" "Eleven", she replies. The chief thinks a moment and says, "That's not wh...

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Detective Shakespeare and his new partner Jameson are on a case...

the Murder of a young man named Jonathan, Detective Shakespeare arrives first and asks the neighbors and the witnesses, he writes the name of 10 people as suspects, after further investigations, he narrows the number of suspects down to 2 young men, Maximilianus and Tobias, then Jameson, who oversle...

Him: I have the ability to detect whenever I'm near a certain type of Middle-Eastern bread.

Her: Well, that's just naan sense.

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Playgrounds in the UK have been fitted with advanced paedophile detection systems to help protect children

The company behind the technology has called it NonceSense™

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When it gets dark, I have a supernatural ability to detect when and at what altitude murderous clowns ejaculate.

I can feel IT cumming in the air tonight.

I have a fridge that beeps when it detects mold

Spoiler alert

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

“How was he killed” asked one detective. “With a golf gun.” Replied the second detective.

“A golf gun? What’s a golf gun?”

“I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan”

A scientist invented a new machine that could detect lies

So he called three women to test it. A brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

First he asked the brunette to say something. She said,“i think i can eat 12 burgers with an empty stomach”. The machine beeped. “ okay, maybe 8”. The machine was quiet.

Next he asked the redhead to test it. She...

I coded a program to detect Al Gore’s speech by his cadences.

I used an algorithm.

"I really don't think you have a case, sir," said the detective as my wife washed her hair and cried from the bathroom.

"How can you say that?!" I demanded. "That hairstylist is a monster!"

"Look, sir, I can't just go around arresting every barber that gives a bad haircut." He glanced at his notes. "Even if he made her 'look like Captain Kirk.'"

"I never said he made her look like Captain Kirk!" I barke...

There are dedicated detectives who investigate especially heinous crimes as members of an elite squad known as the SVU. This is one of their less successful stories...

In a stake-out operation at a local bar, an undercover SVU officer was approached by Eva, an exotic dancer, who offered him a private lap dance in the back room. Within seconds, before starting her routine, she was arrested and charged with solicitation.

Later at trial, her defence lawyer i...

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My girlfriend said she was tired of me acting like a detective and told me that we should split up

I said "Good idea we'll cover more ground that way"

She also got pissed at me and said that I ruined her birthday which I have no idea how I didn't even know it was her birthday


I heard these two jokes when I was a kid and they've always made me laugh, I know they are kind of old b...

ME [a detective]: The victim has 2 puncture wounds on his neck. He was obviously bitten by a vampire.

######OTHER DETECTIVE [Holding up bloody BBQ fork]:
I think he was stabbed with this.

**ME [Pinching bridge of nose]:** Gary… why would a vampire use a BBQ fork?

A software developer claims to have written a condition that detects items larger than medium size.

Big if true.

Will the detectives find the body?

Remains to be seen.

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A husband hires a private detective to find out if his wife is cheating on him.

The detective reports back and says he discovered, unfortunately, that she is.

"What happened?" asks the husband

"She went to a hotel and waited in the bar area. On three different occasions men came up to her, handed her $50 and she would give them a key. 5 minutes later she would dis...

I'm going to write a TV show about a detective living in Hawaii who uses mathematics to solve crimes in a circular fashion

that's right, Magnum Pi.

My police department made all their homicide detectives enter a two-week quarantine.

>!They had coroner-virus.

Did you hear the one about the detective that found a lost jar of cheese dip in the fridge?

He cracked that cold queso...

A detective goes to a metal manufacturing plant...

He is there to investigate the death of a factory owner. The man was an esteemed author and visionary, who unfortunately was crushed to death in his factory. The detective approaches a worker for information.

“What was the product of this facility?”

“The owner loved words, and was obs...

I'm Sure He'll Call Back.

PHONE: Ring... Ring...

ME: Hello.

CALLER: Hello. I am Annensor Rasheel from PC Tech Savers. We have detected a problem on your computer.

ME: Oh, thank you. You called just in time. My computer caught fire and I threw a glass of water on it to put it out.

Also in my ex...

What do you call a detective that sucks at multitasking?

Threadlock Holmes

Thw detective knew immediately which ballerina was the killer.

Because guilty feet have got no rhythm.

What did the detective say after finding a calculator?

"Hmm... Now everything is starting to add up..."

Why couldn't the detective solve the Alabama murder case despite having the dna samples

It matched with everyone

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?" Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."

"Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!...

Three Idiot Detectives

Three idiots were training to become detectives. Their superior decided to test them by having them catch an escaped criminal.

He showed the first idiot a picture of the criminal and asked, “How would you catch this man?”

“That’s easy,” said the first idiot. “He’s only got one eye, so...

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My favourite long joke

Pete and Dave are on the first tee. Pete slices an enormous shot into the middle of a dense wood. ‘Oh no he says (insert appropriate profanity), I’ll never find that; that makes a whole box of golf balls I’ve lost this month. ‘

Dave says ‘you should try one of these,’ producing a ball from hi...

What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?

Where were you on the night of September to March?

What do you call a reptilian detective that just can't let something go?

An investedgator

A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant

He heard there was a fishy business.

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A detective uncovers that his gf is a prostitute, throws the cuffs on and says...

You're coming with me.

A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he hears a woman screaming and detects a faint smell of burning in the air.

He runs down the street and around a corner and sees a huge group of people standing watching a blazing building.
On the tenth floor of the building a woman, clutching a bundle to her chest, is leaning out of a window screaming for someone to save her baby.
The man steps forward and calls up ...

Dogs operating XRays cannot detect brain tumours.

But CAT scan!

I've read about an airport infra-red camera that detected breast cancer.

I guess we can't stress enough the importance of mass surveillance.

A rabbit, a fox and a bear have to enroll in the army.

Neither of the 3 are very happy about it and the only chance they have to avoid it is by being rejected during the medical exam. As They are waiting in line at the doctors office their desperation builds up untill right before it's the rabbits turn.
The rabbit turns to the fox: "Fox I might h...

The detective picks up a scent of Cuban tobacco on the victim’s body.

From this, he deduces that the killer was a smoker. He also discovers a crumpled up sheet of paper that has an address scribbled out on it. This leads him to the doorsteps of an old apartment. The detective readies his gun and barges in, eager to find a clue that ties the house to the suspect. But o...

What would a skeptic say if you were to tell them that you had a supernatural ability to detect Indian bread?

Naansense!

What do you call a detective with multiple wives?

A polygramist.

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What did the detective say when she discovered the toilet at the crime scene?

Shit went down here.

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The FBI, Interpol and Mumbai police are having a competition as to who is the best detective squad.

The test is simple. They leave a rabbit into the woods and the team who finds the rabbit in the fastest time wins.

Interpol goes first. They go into the forest, hunt for clues, interrogate the animals, set a trap for the rabbit at its favorite watering hole and within a month, they have captu...

The smartest detective in the world was brought in to help solve a terrible crime...

"We have a lot of suspects, sir," said the officer. "Why don't you tell me about them?" asks the detective.

"Well first, we found this guy hiding in the bushes." - "It wasn't Russell," replies the detective.

"How about the wife of this hippie?" - "Mississippi? Not her."

"We got...

Why do detectives look to a Will when searching for murder suspects?

Because a Will is a dead giveaway.

Why do they use AI (Captcha, etc.) to detect if you’re a robot online?

It takes one to know one.

What is a cow's least favorite part of being a detective?

The steak-out.

Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?

He kept cracking cases.

After months of detective work, police have uncovered the bodies of a number of missing persons...

These bodies which number in the dozens, were buried in the backyard of a suspected mass murderer. Upon investigation, the police found a series of mass graves. These holes had been dug up by the alleged killer, and contained dismembered body parts, including torsos, extremities, and decapitated hea...

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