Two men are discussing a business transaction.

Buyer: "How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?"

Seller: "You mean a choir?"

Buyer: \**visibly frustrated*\* "Fine, how much does it cost to *acquire* a singing ensemble?"

I just got a job processing transactions for a global multi-billion dollar company!

I’m so thankful to McDonald’s for this opportunity.

I got an email. It said, "We think there's been a mysterious transaction on your account."

Because I'm no longer in debt.

All transactions should be rounded down if you ask me...

But that's just my 0 cents.

A daughter shows her banker father her work on Bitcoin's lightning network to speed up transactions, in response he ask's her if she would like to hear his opinion on Bitcoin. She replies yes.

"It's worthless" her father says

"I know" She replies "But let's hear it anyway"

I asked my friend what he thought of EA’s micro transaction policy,

he said he didn’t buy it.

What kind of payment does the Pope use to make online transactions?

Pa’pal.

Stupid Overcomplicated euphemism jokes

1.

I’m a transaction manager for a multibillion dollar corporation

I work as a McDonald’s cashier

2.

“Mom there is a burglar in here”

“No kid I’m just an asset reallocation specialist”

3.

“So what do you do for a living?”

“I travel and driv...

I love to brag to people on how I handle financial transactions for a multi-billion dollar corp.

It beats telling them I'm a cashier at McDonald's.

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

So a guy walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for the loan officer

The loan officer comes over immediately.

“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.

“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.

The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.

So, the man ho...

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Three priests we’re traveling to Pittsburgh

The leader says to the first priest, take this money to the counter and get us three tickets to Pittsburgh and get the change in nickels and dimes.

The first priest heads to the counter and sees an absolutely stunning beautiful girl - wearing a tight thin t-shirt that reveals very clearly he...

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Why does the head of EA like micro transactions so much?

It describes two distinct parts of his sex life

“I handle important transactions for a large multinational company”...

... is what a tell my Mum instead of saying I work at McDonald’s.

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What did the prostitute say to her client when they concluded their transaction?

"It was a business doing pleasure with you."

Nintendo is releasing a micro transaction mobile platformer

Pay Per Mario

EA is Officially Getting Rid of Micro-Transactions!!

And replacing them with macro-transactions.

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Guy goes into the bank, walks up to the teller and says, "Hiya Toots, I wanna make a fuckin' deposit over here."

The teller is a little taken aback by the customer's language, but does her best to be professional.

"Sir, I'm more than happy to help with that, but I'm going to need to ask you to mind your language while we conduct our business."

"Whoa, Lady, take it easy," the man says, "I just ...

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In light of people getting slapped by the pope.

There was this poor old guy named Donald who hears that the pope is going on tour and will be parading through his town. Donald was very excited that he might get a chance to meet the pope and shake his hand. So he decided to make a plan. He thought that the pope would want to meet the richest man i...

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

Why do people feel buyers guilt, for lack of better terms, when a woman becomes pregnant?

After all, it’s not like buying a car or home. There is a 9 month return policy after the initial transaction

I'm not worried about a future where my kids are addicted to EA's micro transactions

Because there's no way I'll be paying for Verizon's internet gaming add on

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The Old Man with the IRS

The Man and the IRS

So an older gentleman received a phone call by the IRS, being notified about large sums of money going in and out of his account. He was told to be at the office first thing Monday morning. He thought to himself “Well if this is what I think it is, I better lawyer up.”
...

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A Cowboy from Ft. Worth, Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.

The Cowboy told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the old cowboy handed over...

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Dave accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Frank's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Dave upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Dave...

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A man commisions his three kids to each sell a duck

The eldest goes out, and returns having sold the duck for 5 dollars.
The middle child goes out, and returns a tad more successful having sold the duck for 10 dollars.
The youngest child goes out, and while at the market, gets propositioned by a lady of the night. He explains he has no money...

A man named Ralph decides that he can’t stand his wife any longer, and decides to hire a hitman.

He checks the newspaper one morning and sees an ad that says, “Get any job done for $1.” Ralph excitedly calls the number from the ad, and a man answers.

Man: “Hello, this is Artie. How can I help you?”

Ralph: “Hi there, I saw your ad in the paper and was wondering if you could help m...

What do you call it when someone hacks your bank account, and performs a transaction that leaves you with exactly as much money as you had before?

Identity theft!

A math joke. Credit goes to Ben.

I had been told that Hot Chocolate and Churros were a must on my trip to Barcelona...

So on the final day of my trip to Spain I had carved out some time to head down to the ramblas to a little shop that supposedly had he best hot chocolate and churros in the world. Having read that the lines were often long I had allotted a good three hours thinking it would still give me plenty of ...

A cannibal gets a job at a cinema.

After finishing training, the manager decides that the cannibal is ready to start selling concessions, and tells him that if he has any questions, dont be afraid to ask him. All seems to be going well, but then a man and a woman walk in and ask for some popcorn and soda. The cannibal is confused b...

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The New New Math....

I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tel...

What do call it when you score with a woman disguised in men’s clothing?

Transaction

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[Long] Lori was assistant manager at the Sex Shoppe, and had been for a long time wondering, when do I get my shot at being Manager?

One day, her boss, the owner, said, “Lori, I have to go on a business trip for the weekend. You’re in charge. Let’s see how you handle it. You know the business well enough. Just remember, the new dildo line goes on sale Saturday. That’s $25 for the white dildos, and $50 for the black dildos.”
...

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A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew walk into a bar...

After a few drinks, they start talking about how they came to their respective faiths. The Christian tells his story first: "One day I was traveling across the Atlantic Ocean when we got caught in a terrible rainstorm. I had lost complete control of the ship, so I got down on my knees and prayed to ...

What do you call a paycheck from a dirty job?

A Mike Rowe transaction.

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A man that couldn't speak properly goes to run some errands [long]

His first stop, the bakery. The man fronts up to the counter, and asks the owner, "may I have a bum, please."
Perplexed, the owner asks, "a bum, sir? Sorry, we don't sell those, but we do have buns."
"Yes, that is what I meant, sorry."

After completing his first transaction, the man wal...

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A nun walks in to a liquor store

(this is the best joke my drunk dad ever told me)

A nun walks in to a liquor store while dressed in her habit and grabs a bottle of Jack Daniels. When she gets to the counter, the clerk looked a little more than surprised. She told him, "don't worry, it's medicinal. It's for Mother Superior's...

A Well-Argued Court Case

The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were...

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What do you call a sexual interaction between two trans individuals?

A transaction.

This is the only good original joke I've made in my entire life, and that's not a joke!
Haven't seen this posted elsewhere before.

So this farmer owns a single female pig. He wants her to have piglets...

...so(w) he asks around the village for any eligible bachelor boars. Turns out there aren't any, but there's this fella at a nearby village who runs a Rent-A-Boar service, charging by the coupling.

The next morning, our farmer gets up early, attaches the trailer to his tractor, gets the pig o...

What do you call it when Caityln Jenner spends a lot of money?

Transaction

An inspiring true story about my friend's grandmother.

I'd like to tell you a little-known, but inspiring and true story that involves my friend Jake's grandmother.

Her name was Erica. She lived a typical grandmother life, knitting, spoiling her grandchildren and puttering around.

But despite having lived a full life before retiring, she w...

[My first ever submission!] A man is driving through a shady part of town...

...When he pulls up at a stop sign.

A woman of the night, about 3 inches tall, approaches his car and shouts to him in a voice that betrays any femininity; "Hey darl, you looking for a good time? I'm only 10 cents per hour."

The driver replies "Sorry, I don't want any micro-transactio...

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A boy and his baseball glove.

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?

"Yes it is," the ...

My father likes to wear women's clothes when he goes out on his sales calls.

He does a lot of transactions.

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The Japanese golfer joke from Harry Potter (NSFW)

An American goes to Japan to close a big business deal. The night before, he is very tense so he picks up a hooker in the hotel bar. She speaks no English, but they get their transaction settled and go to his room.

In bed, she is wildly thrashing around screaming out a phrase in Japanese. The...

I spent my Google Rewards on a video of Caitlyn Jenner

It was definitely worth the transaction

A pilot was on a layover in San Francisco....

and found himself in a shop in Chinatown. He noticed a large bronze rat behind the counter and asked the old Chinese shopkeeper how much it cost.
"Oh, bronze rat cost 2 dollah. But ancient secret that go with rat cost 500 dollah.
The pilot thought a minute and said he would just like the bronz...

A man wanted to buy a horse from an old farmer.

He has already paid the old farmer $500. Then a few days later, the farmer came up to him and said, "I'm sorry Johnny, the horse is dead. I can't give you back your money either since the transaction is finished." Johnny was shocked for a while and then he said, "That's fine, just give me the dead h...

On a very cold night, a young man dropped into the local brothel.

The madam said, "You'll have to wait."

"But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now."

"Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs."

"Listen, I'm pretty desperate. I don't need a room."

So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of
the staff...

A farmer arrives at a local market and asks a merchant, "Can I get some feed for my chickens?"

"Sure, how much do you want?" the merchant replies.

"Well I recon I'll need about 9 bags."

The merchant gathers up some feed and hands the farmer 11 bags.

"Uh, I said I only needed 9 bags."

"Oh, I'm so sorry I thought you said 11, my mistake."

"It's no big deal, I'...

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The Boy from Toronto

A boy stopped by a deli one early morning in Brooklyn hoping to get a job.

* "How are you with people, kid?" The owner inquired.

* *"Great," said the boy. "My previous job at a grocery store had me working cash registers and facing clients all day."*

* "Perfect," replied the...

A frog walks into a bank...

...and proceeds to ask the Asian teller, Ms. Patricia Wok, for a $5,000 loan. Absolutely gobsmacked at a talking frog she mechanically goes through the procedure, asking him if he has any references. As a matter of fact, he replies, my dad's Mick Jagger, he's a musician. Okay, she says hesitantly...

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Old farmer (NFSW)

One day the farmer was goimg through his mail and seen a letter from the IRS. It said they had to call the office as soon as he can. So the farmer called the local IRS agency. The IRS agent answered and said, "Hello Mr. Johnson. We would like to discuss the large transactions going in and out of you...

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So Mr. Cohen and Mr. Brown are about to start trade with each other.

Mr. Cohen and Mr. Brown are two business men in New York. Mr. Brown is a fourth generation American, who owns a big clothing store, while Mr. Cohen is an old Jewish man, who immigrated to the U.S from Poland during the war. Mr. Cohen is small business owner, who makes cloth.

One day Mr. Cohen...

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An old sailor decides to get in uniform and hit the "red light" district, for one last good time...

He finds himself a willing "date", and after a bit of haggling, the price is settled on, and the transaction is made. After about 10 minutes, he asks the lady, "How am I doin', honey?" The prostitute replies, "About 3 knots, sailor... you're not hard, you're not in, and you're not gettin' your mon...

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First Day at a Pawn Shop

Apologies beforehand, since this story doesnt have a punchline, it's just funny.


A friend of mine started working at a Pawn America. On his very first day he saw this young couple come in and they started looking and browsing through rings. They saw one that interested them and asked to s...

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Grandpa gave us all a good laugh with this one tonight.

So there's this guy who just bought a grandfather clock, its an old, one of a kind piece. After the transaction was complete he hauls the thing outta there. While he was just outside of the door this drunk stumbles up and bumps into him. knocking the clock to the ground with a loud bang and a snap. ...

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There are three priests at an airport...

Three priests are traveling home from a trip to the Vatican. They have yet to purchase tickets when they get to the airport, so the youngest priest volunteers to purchase them for the rest of the group.

As he walks up to the counter, he notices that the lady working there has a very large bo...

Job Application Humor

========================================================================

Cover letter: "I would be prepared to meet with you at your earliest
convenience to discuss what I can do to your company."

That's what we're afraid of ...

===============================================...

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