Replacement Jokes - 33 Hilarious Replacement Jokes

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Maybe replacement theory is correct.

Even neo-nazi's are being replaced by black people.

So a guy goes into the hospital for a hip replacement.

He's laying in the hospital bed, when another guy walks into the hospital room that looks like he could be his twin brother.

Except this guy is slimmer, wearing a stylish blazer, a sharp hat, a goatee and sunglasses.

"Who are you?" the guy asks.

"I'm your hip replacement."

A nun ruined her uniform and asked her tailor for a replacement.

Nearly 3 weeks later she angrily calls him asking what’s taking so long. “I don’t know why you’re upset.” - He coolly replies. “It takes at least 21 days to form a new habit.”

What did the retiring domintrix say to her replacement?

"I'll show you the ropes."

(I just thought of this joke. I'm sure it's been made before, sorry.)

So I'm fifty-twelve years old and got hip replacement surgery a week ago...Wife today, "Damnit didn't the Doctor tell you not to push it during rehab, I told you you were doing too much yesterday, look how swollen your leg is."

"Actually he told me to listen to my body."

(I continued using different voices), "How you doing Leg?"

"Swell."

My wife just told me she needs a hip replacement.

So I said “Glad we’re in agreement. How about the babysitter? She’s pretty hip”.

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.

I’m glad # is not called pound anymore.

Otherwise, the #metoo movement would be sending the wrong message.

Classic Winston Churchill wit....

These are old and possibly apocryphal, but just in case of the younger redditors haven't heard them:

Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”

Churchill: “And you, Bessie, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning."

Truman to Churchill on Churchill's replacement as PM, Clem...

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The Replacement

Text Conversation:

Boy: I heard your boyfriend just passed away?

Girl: Yes, his funeral will be on Saturday.

Boy: Oh, please accept my sympathies.

Girl: Thank you. It's been hard on me lately, as you can tell.

Boy: You think I can become your boyfriend's r...

I just had hip replacement surgery

It's a really new procedure; you've probably never heard of it.

My doctor gave me a prescription for this new hormone replacement therapy.

Turns out it also helps with toothaches. It's trans-and-dental medication.

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An agile replacement.

A man is in a tragic accident and awakens in the hospital. The doctor and nurse are there and after the basic checks the doctor pulls up a chair.

"I have some terrible news, sir. You were in a terrible accident and you lost your penis."

The man is shocked, and starts to weep, but the ...

If I have to have a mastectomy, I'm opting for a beautifullly sculpted mahogany replacement.

That'd be nice, wooden tit.

What do you say to a man from Mexico that had a successful hip replacement?

Hip Hip Jorge!

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I found a butter replacement today...

It's margarinely better.

What do you call a replacement dog?

A sub woofer

What do you call it when the inventor of the ceramic knee replacement gets a metal knee replacement?

Iron-knee

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Hell no.

A man dies and is sent to hell. He meets the devil who offers him three choices of punishment for the sins that he had committed. The devil tells the man, "There are three torture rooms, of which you will pick one and go in to replace the person who is being punished in that room. The choice is your...

When a human cannonball retires, how does the circus find a replacement?

It must be hard finding someone the right caliber

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery..

I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

I didn’t think my knee replacement surgery would help.

I stand corrected.

The pirate missing a hand was looking for a replacement.

I suggested the second hand store

MRW a replacement professor enters the wrong class

Oops, wrong sub.

Sorry... but I need to vent!!!!

I experienced the WORST customer service today at a shop in town. I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed.

Yesterday I bought something from this shop. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work.

S...

My grandma got a hip replacement

My new grandma is a 24 year old barista and an aspiring artist.

A bar which does hip replacement operations recently opened near to me,

Critics are saying its the new hip place to be.

I have written a couple of academic papers on replacement limbs.

They are my prostheses.

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My wife for 20 year left me recently and im looking for a replacement

But fuck dishwashers are expensive nowadays

Donald Trump...

-A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.
-Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
-Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
-The rest of the world ...

Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?

I think he just did it for a tin chin.

There's a man on my doorstep delivering a replacement bathroom fixture right now.

Let that sink in.

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