If I have to have a mastectomy, I'm opting for a beautifullly sculpted mahogany replacement.

That'd be nice, wooden tit.

What do you say to a man from Mexico that had a successful hip replacement?

Hip Hip Jorge!

My doctor gave me a prescription for this new hormone replacement therapy.

Turns out it also helps with toothaches. It's trans-and-dental medication.

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

After Quasimodo's death…

…, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their s...

Worst customer service

I experienced the WORST customer service today at a store…I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. Last night I bought something from this store. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it failed So today, less than 24 hours later I took i...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

Two Patients

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second pat...

What did the retiring domintrix say to her replacement?

"I'll show you the ropes."

(I just thought of this joke. I'm sure it's been made before, sorry.)

Washing Machine Repair

So my washing machine has been broken for a few weeks now. When you'd run it, it would get off balance during the spin cycle, causing it to make loud, metallic thumps and scoot across the laundry room.

I spent last weekend disassembling it to find the problem. I located the faulty part and or...

I’m glad # is not called pound anymore.

Otherwise, the #metoo movement would be sending the wrong message.

Looks like grandma won't miss grandpa when he dies.

She keeps saying he has a hip replacement.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Royal Newspaper

The King and Queen decided to get pets, so the King issued a decree: "Handsome reward for finest Royal pets."

The Queen immediately falls in love with a white, long haired kitten, bred in a faraway land. After payment, the kitten disappears and the distraught Queen sends the entire staff to l...

How do old people become cool again?

Hip replacements!

I'm not a baker. (Couples Joke)

A housewife approached her husband with an issue with the door;
"Darling can you check the shower?"
He replies, "I'm not a plumber."
She asks him about the cupboard door which has been broken and needs replacement, "Darling can you check the cupboard door? It may need to be replaced."
"...

Church Bell Ringer

A man died after a long career as the local church bell ringer. The priest, looking for a replacement put out word far and wide but received only one applicant, a man with no arms. Initially the priest was hesitant but the man assured him he could do it. He ran up into the belfry, put his head int...

Quasimodo needs a vacation.

He goes to the Dean of the cathedral and asks for a leave. He’s told taking time off is OK if he will arrange for someone to take his place temporarily. So Quasimodo posts a job on LinkedIn for a bell ringer.
Several people respond but the best candidates were a pair of twins. They were quite eag...

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Tarzan has an accident

Tarzan swung on a liana in the jungle when he suddenly lost his grip and fell to the ground.

Heavily wounded he was brought to the jungle hospital where some of his body parts had to be replaced.

He received a gorillas arm as a replacement for his right arm, a leopards leg as replaceme...

After Quasimodo died, Notre Dame Cathedral needed a replacement bell ringer, and after several fruitless months a strange little man approaches one of the priests...

"I'd like the bell ringer job if it's still available." says the man. Confused, the priest says "Of course, but I'm afraid there might be some confusion. I can't help but notice that you don't have any arms, so ringing the bells would be quite impossible." The little man smiles and says "I come from...

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery..

I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

My PC Died today and my friend offered me to lend me his PS4 while i waited for replacements parts.

........But i was simply unconsolable

How many redditors on r/jokes does it take to change a lightbulb?

87.

1 to install the replacement and 86 to point out it’s already been used before.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Replacement

Text Conversation:


Boy: I heard your boyfriend just passed away?

Girl: Yes, his funeral will be on Saturday.

Boy: Oh, please accept my sympathies.

Girl: Thank you. It's been hard on me lately, as you can tell.

Boy: You think I can become your boyfriend's r...

What do you call a replacement dog?

A sub woofer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An agile replacement.

A man is in a tragic accident and awakens in the hospital. The doctor and nurse are there and after the basic checks the doctor pulls up a chair.

"I have some terrible news, sir. You were in a terrible accident and you lost your penis."

The man is shocked, and starts to weep, but the ...

In a tragic accident, the circus' human cannonball was killed today.

When asked if he will find a replacement, the Ringmaster responded, "Where will I ever find another man of his caliber?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found a butter replacement today...

It's margarinely better.

Friend of mine had bad pain from arthritis in his knee. He ended up being one of the first to have knee replacement surgeries...

back in the day when they made them out of iron.

When he was a bit older, he had to have an MRI done, and they didn’t check that he had metal in his body. Once the machine was turned on, it started pulling the knee right out socket, and he started screaming in pain – “Oh the iron knee, the ...

In the op room, what can you use in replacement of the anesthetic, if the patient's allergic to it ?

Earplugs.

Two doctors are sitting on a bench at a park

They see an old man approaching with something obviously wrong on his way of walking. They take a professional interest on him:

- Look, a clear case of hip replacement gone wrong

- No, my dear colleague, that is classical sciatic neuralgia

- I have to disagree with you: that dra...

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