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Stock Market Jokes

Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading....

How to tell if a person is a stock market trader or a cuckolding enthusiast?

Ask them the opposite of 'bull'.

What do you call a giant psychic who manipulates the stock market.

A tall medium who shorts.

Bad news in the stock market today

Northern Tissue touched a new bottom, and thousands of investors were wiped clean.

Yo mama’s so fat

When she skips a meal, the stock market drops.

Stock markets!!!

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $ 100 each.


The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands of monkeys for $ 100 and as supply s...

How is marijuana stock sold on the stock market?

Buy high sell higher.

Did you hear about the rapper who made a killing in the stock market?

Lil' Nas Daq

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said,"I bought th...

The Covid 19 Toilet Paper craze was a lot like the Stock Market Crash of 1929

But this time, instead of everyone dumping their stocks, they're stocking for dumps

The stock market is getting crushed

My calculations indicate I can retire 10 years after I die

What's the quickest way to become a millionaire in the stock market?

Invest a billion dollars.

What do you call it when James Bond crashes the US Stock market?

A SPYfall.

What's the difference between me and the stock market?

1) My parents are actually invested in the stock market

2) The stock market still has some value

3) People care that the stock market is currently depressed

Why is a stock market crash worse than a divorce?

Because you lose half of your money but your wife is still there

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The stock market is like sex.

You just need to know when to pull out.

Chinese man going to work at the stock market..

while dressing up in morning he says
''time for me to go in vest'''

What do the stock market and my ex have in common?

Theyre both doing really well and all my friends are in them except me

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A young boy is asking his father how he got so rich in the stock market.

The father says, “well son, I do a lot of careful research. I find a stock that is solid, has a lot of promise, has good people behind it, and I take $100 and invest $100 in that stock. Then I take $1000 and short sell that same stock with the $1000.”

The son says, “how does that make any sen...

What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?

Start off with a big one.

Secretly found that I can manipulate stock market

Whatever I bought, it went red.

What do you call it when a bunch of stock markets suddenly show in the same place!

An investation.

(Credit to my 10 year old nephew James)

Two brokers are discussing their luck lately with the stock market.

One moans to another, 'With how bad my portfolio's been performing lately, I'd have better luck investing in my own failure!'

His companion looks to him and says 'Don't think like that. Failure is not an option.'

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Commenting on a new post is like investing in the stock market

If the post blows up, you probably get shit loads of karma

The way to end up $1 Million using the stock market LEGIT

invest 10 million into it

How do you measure the value of Chinese philosophy on the stock market?

The Tao-Jones Industrial Average.

Why don't people in trailer parks invest in the stock market?

Because their money is tied up in bonds.

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The year is 2222 and John and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

John asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian resp...

What's considered trashy if you're poor, but classy if you're rich?

Manipulating the stock market.

An economist, an accountant and a lawyer decided to gamble....

And that's how stock markets came into existence!!!

St. Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates..

St. Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants a...

Chinese economist asks American Economist

The Chinese stock market experienced a drastic drop over the past 3 months. With most local economists failing to explain this phenomena, a renowned Chinese economist decided to albeit reluctantly phone up his American counterpart.

Due to the fraught ties between the two countries, the Chines...

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What do you call a stock market crash in Japan?

The "My Yen" Apocalypse

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Typical Men

There onced lived a rich man who wanted desperately to get married. So in order to determine a suitable wife he selected 3 women who he found attractive and gave them each $10000 to do as they please. The first woman spent her $10000 on a makeover and went to the man. She said "i spent the money on ...

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A man's choice

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys severa...

This simple change in lifestyle will help you lose 2 pounds every week!

Just invest in the British stock market

I lost 50 pounds in the past month

Investing money in the London stock market wasn't a good idea.

Today I feel like a million bucks...

I've lost all my interest in the stock market.

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Rags To Riches Success Story

A real touching success story! 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.  He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. 

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do...

hurricane

A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's owner, Dr. Smythe and the steward, Marcus who managed to swim to the closest island. After reaching the deserted strip of...

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4th of July bash

A career Wall Street stockbroker was burnt out and decided to go off the grid completely. He had enough of that dog-eat-dog lifestyle, the stress, the non-stop rat race of NYC, the constantly fluctuating stock market, and his many irate clients.

So, he decided to leave New York and buy a cabi...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

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Funniest joke I’ve heard all week

I’m in a stock market group on Kik and one of the guys was talking about how he has over 200 holdings in his portfolio and another guy was like “Damn Frank so diverse LGBTQ made him their mascot.” And I couldn’t stop laughing for a good five minutes. I know it’s pretty corny and low effort but I jus...

PETA is a successful investor

in the laughing stock market.

The romans once tied together a bear and a bull in the colosseum to see what happened.

Unfortunately all that happened was the stock market collapsed

The stock market is like a guy with IBS

All it takes is one fart to ruin the day.

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A rich guy had three equally beautiful girlfriends...

and decided to marry one of them. So he devised a method to decide which to marry. He gave each of them $25000 and twenty days later, the first returned it to him. "Love," she said, "using the knowledge you gave me, I invested the money and earned it all back,with interest." He thought, "Wow! She's ...

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A man is trying to decide which woman to marry...

He is picking out of three women. In order to test which one he should marry he gave each one of them $5000 to see what they would do.

The first woman spends her money on new clothes, lingerie, and a total makeover. She tells him she did it because she loves him so much and wants to look gre...

So SpaceX is launching the Falcon Heavy Today...

Too bad it isn't carrying the stock market.

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Trump's statement regarding China

Trump: "In little over a week when I take office, China will fall into a slump. Factories will shut down, shops will close, stock markets will not trade, and government will grind to a halt.The wealthy will flee overseas with their families, citizens desperately trade their currency for food, doors ...

My friend is an honourable, courteous and chivalrous guy. But he hates the stock market. When I asked him why, he said:

Gentlemen prefer bonds.

Reason for Divorce

The other day at work I ran into Tom.

We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombshell on me.

"Rodney," he said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce."

I was stunned.

"Why?

What happened, you two seem so happy together."

"Well," he said, "ever since...

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A Very Cold Winter

It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter w...

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A sucessful business man retires

A successful business man in NYC finally decided to retire. After years of making it big in the stock market, years of wild parties, and years of living the city life, he packs up and moves to rural Montana. He's sick of the busy city, so he picks a very remote house in a very secluded rural area. H...

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An ex-businessman, now bankrupt, is preparing to jump off a bridge...

As he's about to step into the void, a hand grabs him from behind.


He turns back annoyed and sees that the hand belongs to an old bearded overweight guy.


"Why did you stop me you old fool?"


"Have you gone mad my son? You were about to kill yourself!" The old ma...

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Mountain Man

Well Tom was a high powered business man and successful stock market trader, but he sure was fed up with life in the fast lane of New York City. Fed up with the hustle and the bustle. Fed up with the fickle market. But one night, sipping scotch, he realized that the root of all his problems was PEOP...

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