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A guy walks into a pet shop, looking to replace his lost wife. Immediately, a parrot befriends him....

Parrot says, "I love you, you're the greatest!"
Having just had lost people close to him, he is enamored.
"Come home with me," he says,
Parrot says, "Please!"
After bringing the parrot home and securing it in a safe space, Parrot says:
"I hate it here. You're an asshole."
This bant...

Who will replace Kim Jon Un after he dies

Kim Jon dos

My wife was gleefully telling me about how the cost to replace her many responsibilities is $100k/year

Boy you should have seen her face though when I sent her an invoice for replacing the shower head.

A man walks into a store to replace his broken vacuum

Saleman: "Well this sucks"

A lion tamer had quit without notice and the circus manager needed someone to replace him for the next night's show.

He out an ad in the local paper and the next morning two applicants showed up outside his office. One was a rather ordinary looking young man and the other was a rather ravishing red headed beauty. Neither one of them looked very much like a lion trainer, but the manager was desperate.

"All r...

Some monks came down to a small village in need of carpentry. They offered to replace all the wooden pillars and support beams in all the buildings by themselves. When the villagers asked why they were being so generous, the head monk simply replied

"Isn't it obvious? We're reposting for karma."

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Would be a shame to have your breasts replaced using oak or pine.

Wooden tit?

How many brexitiers does it take to replace a light bulb?

Two. One to promise a brighter future and one to screw it up.

Replace the negative with the positive.......

and next time put the battery in right the first time.

Staying busy with quarantine and just replaced my leaking water heater.

It's a tankless job, but somebody has to do it.

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

Florence+The Machine replaced one of their members with a former Portuguese footballer.

They are now called Florence+The Maniche.

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace the retiring country doctor.

The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house, a woman complained, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”

The older doctor said, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why no...

Doctor, my child refuses to eat meat! What can I replace it with?

Doctor: A dog. Dogs eat meat.

If cars were replaced by horses, what would replace gas stations?

Grass stations

My boxing student quit so I think I’m going to replace her with my stylist.

I remember that she said she was proud of her bob and weave.

My work replaced our regular toilet paper with single ply. Everybody hates it...

...Its really tearable.

.

.

part credit to Amb_33 (thanks).

A man walks into a resort and the first sign he sees says “Lool Area”. He was confused and asked one of the employees about it.



“Yes, we have this tradition here, where we replace the first ‘P’ of a word that starts with P with an ‘L’."

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no other rules, he’d be fine. The man toured the resort and eventually came upon the cafeteria.

There was a s...

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Sex Ed has recently been replaced with Fuck Ed

Eds around the world rejoice

how many apple employees does it take to replace your broken screen?

none. "you need to buy our new model which will cost you ONLY $999"

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When your phone accidentally replaces fuck with duck, you can still use it.

It's still fowl language

Replacing German Language with English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has ac...

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*BREAKING NEWS* A baby is born without eyelids, and doctors use his foreskin to replace them.

The surgery was a success. The baby should make a full recovery, but he will always be a little cockeyed.

I went to a smoke shop only to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store.

Clothes, but no cigar.

The astrophysics class I wanted to take got filled up, and I now have to think of another course to replace it.

It’s not Rocket Science.

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Did you hear about that baby that was born without one of his eye-lids? they used part of his foreskin to replace it.

He’ll be alright, just a little cock-eyed.

Interesting Research

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

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My wife is pissed off with me again....

Last night while she was fast asleep, i gently removed her tampax & replaced it with a party popper leaving the string hanging out,

I m telling u! This woman got no fucking sense of humor at all, smh.

What did the retiring domintrix say to her replacement?

"I'll show you the ropes."

(I just thought of this joke. I'm sure it's been made before, sorry.)

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A priest owns poultry

A cock is missing.
He runs around looking for it and reaches the sunday mass, where he asks - anyone has a cock? All men say yes.
No, no he says, I mean has anyone seen a cock, rephrasing? All women say yes.
No no he says, now agitated, has anyone seen my cock! All the nuns raise t...

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Emergency problem

A lady called her gynecologist and asked for an “emergency” appointment.

The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came in and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and a...

The waiter had a spoon in his pocket

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw t...

For a little while I thought I found something to replace my love for sushi....

...but alas, it was only tempurary.

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A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

Have you heard about the movement to replace lab rats with lawyers?

The researchers don't get so attached and there are *some* things a rat just won't do.

If Trump replaces Obama as president,

Orange will be the new Black.

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Tarzan

Tarzan went swinging on a vine in the jungle one day and the vine broke. Tarzan popped an eye out, broke his right arm and his penis. He went to the witch doctor and the witch doctor gave him a hawk eye to replace his eye. A gorilla arm to replace his arm and an elephant trunk for his penis then sen...

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The spoon in a waiter's pocket catches the customer's attention

The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The...

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Surgery can now provide you with the attributes of animals as body enhancements, such as gorilla arms for strength.

A complaint was filed, however, when a man got an elephant trunk to replace his penis:

"It's great and all but now I can't hang out with my friends much at taverns cuz while we're seated the trunk grabs some peanuts from the bar and sticks them in my asshole."

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Kim Jong-un has unfortunately died and the North Korean subordinates gathered for a serious meeting.

After hours of discussion, they decided it'd be best to replace him with a look alike to fool the foreign leaders. A Kim Jong-un look alike contest was organised and the winner was to be selected to rule Korea.

Fliers and posters of the contest was all over North Korea and a majority of the...

A psychic goes into an opticians to get his contact lenses replaced.

Upon learning his customers profession, the optician asks what next year has in hold for him.

The psychic replies "Alas, I cannot tell you"

The optician, who has had a terrible year up to this point, begs him for just a basic reading, even offering free contact lenses for a year.
...

A man was driving a rental car along a old mountain road in Eastern Europe at night when he started having engine problems

Unable to get a signal on his mobile phone, he saw a lit building not far off and made it there just as the car stalled. Getting out of the car, he knocked on the door. A monk in a brown habit opened the door.

"Good evening, brother!" greeted the monk. "What can I do for you?"
"I'm ver...

An old married couple are in church one Sunday

When the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do?”

The husband turned to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”

I replaced the handles on a chest of drawers with crucifixes.

Now it's a cross dresser.

My coworker Jim sits next to another coworker, Collin. One day, Jim replaced the nametag on his cubicle to also say Collin

I asked him, "Jim, your name isn't Collin. What's going on?"

He replied, "We're trying to Collin-ize the area."

(True story)

Why will the Moon replace YouTube

It has lots of big craters

This joke brought to you by my girlfriend, you wouldn't know her, she goes to a different school .

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Why did the guy go to the doctor to replace his butt?

Because it has a crack in it,

An old woman hears a knock on her door and opens it to see a man standing there, hat in hand.

“I’m terribly sorry but I ran over your cat with my car.”
The old woman breaks down in tears and starts crying uncontrollably.
The man says “I know it won’t be the same but I’d really like to replace your cat.”
The woman stops crying for a moment, looks up, and says “I don’t know........ h...

What is going to replace ObamaCare?

Don.T.Care

I replaced the bed with a trampoline......

My wife hit the roof

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Got into a fight in a bar

Met some new people at the bar and tried to break the ice with some jokes.


Went well, till I went to the more offensive ones. Here's the joke I told:

*"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw your laundry in."*

One guy goes crazy and h...

What does an elderly chicken drink as a meal replacement?

Roost......I'll see myself out.

The rear view mirror fell out of my car a couple of months ago and I have never replaced it.

Haven’t looked back since.

Farmer Joe's bull breaks down the barbed wire fence again...

Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to rep...

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

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Tampax has announced they will replace the traditional tampon string with tinsel.

This will be for the Christmas period only.

How many quantitative psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, p <= .05.

How many qualitative psychologists does it take?

_disguy. (2020). *Construction and Deconstruction Methods for Lightbulb Assembly* (Doctoral Dissertation). Reddit University,
San Francisco.

Thomas Alva Edison (February 11, 1847 – October 18, 1931) was an A...

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The Replacement

Text Conversation:


Boy: I heard your boyfriend just passed away?

Girl: Yes, his funeral will be on Saturday.

Boy: Oh, please accept my sympathies.

Girl: Thank you. It's been hard on me lately, as you can tell.

Boy: You think I can become your boyfriend's r...

It was a boys first day on the pirate ship.

He asked the Pirate Captain.

“Why do you have a wooden leg?”

The Pirate Captain replied.

“Argh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me leg off so I have this wooden peg to replace what’s gone”.

The boy then asked.

“Why do you have a hook for a hand?”
...

A golfer is involved in a terrible car crash and is rushed to the hospital

Just before he is put under, the surgeon pops in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing days are over !!! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The g...

A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

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Food has replaced sex in my life

Now I can’t even get into my own pants.

A mechanic and a Doctor are talking

The mechanic and doctor are good friends hanging out when the mechanic says

"You know our jobs are similar. We both have to study symptoms, run diagnostics, and repair/replace faulty parts." The doctor nods in agreement. "So why do you make so much more than us?"

The doctor smiles and ...

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery..

I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

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Whoever said technology would replace paper....

has clearly never tried wiping their butt with an iPad.

When “I” is replaced by “We”

Even illness becomes wellness.

My vacuum cleaner was having a hard time doing its job. Yet the one I bought to replace it didn’t work either.

It really sucks

So apparently Microsoft is working on a new Chromium-based web browser to replace the old ones..

Hooray! We'll finally have a decent web browser for downloading other web browsers.

[long] My company is locked down and I am required to work from home

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.

* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me o...

After Quasimodo died, Notre Dame Cathedral needed a replacement bell ringer, and after several fruitless months a strange little man approaches one of the priests...

"I'd like the bell ringer job if it's still available." says the man. Confused, the priest says "Of course, but I'm afraid there might be some confusion. I can't help but notice that you don't have any arms, so ringing the bells would be quite impossible." The little man smiles and says "I come from...

What do you call the feverish spread of strongly worded arguments against very lame and badly functioning replacement arms that tell the future while composing strictly written limericks while moving from place to place?

A parapatetic pathetic prophetic pedantic poetic paretic prosthetic polemic pandemic.

My waterproof speaker got damaged when I threw it into the pool.

I filed a request for a replacement but they denied my request saying, "It's not our fault the pool was empty".

Today, someone told me that, in the next Avengers movie, the Thor Hammer was replaced with a Thor Axe.

My first thought was “What kind of lame weapon is an insect abdomen?”

Did you hear about when the Bride of Frankenstein helped him replace a missing neck bolt?

Turns out, all he needed was a big screw.

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West Virginia State Trooper

A state trooper from West Virginia comes across the scene of a single car accident. Taking stock of the situation he begins to write his report.

First he sees a car overturned by the side of the road and begins to write on his form: “k-a-r in d-i-c-h.” He pauses, thinks to himself, “that doe...

I don't know where home is, I have no escape, and I've lost control.

Damn, I've got to replace this keyboard

How many contractors does it take to replace a light globe?

Two. One to buy the wrong size globe, and another to replace the existing light fitting to suit the new globe.

In the op room, what can you use in replacement of the anesthetic, if the patient's allergic to it ?

Earplugs.

Friend of mine had bad pain from arthritis in his knee. He ended up being one of the first to have knee replacement surgeries...

back in the day when they made them out of iron.

When he was a bit older, he had to have an MRI done, and they didn’t check that he had metal in his body. Once the machine was turned on, it started pulling the knee right out socket, and he started screaming in pain – “Oh the iron knee, the ...

As soon as all the wheels are replaced, my local police department is getting rid of a bunch of old squad cars they aren't using.

They're being retired

Three punishments in hell

John after death was led to hell. The devil announced that they would lead the sinner to see three different punishments and had to choose one. The first room, the criminal was tortured in an oil cauldron. The second room, the sinner was burned on a blazing fire. Too scared, he asked to go to the la...

My friend said that he replaced the Oxygen with Uranium in a water molecule.

I was like, "HUH?"

My brother is afraid that robots will replace him.

If he would look in his wife's bedside dresser he would realize he already has been

My computer decided to replace all my icons to this weird yellow bubble with headphones...

The Audacity...

what did the cult leader replace his punch with to be more fall festive

sui-cider

Professional taster

In a winery in Napa Valley, California, a new wine tester has just died. The president of the company worriedly published the newspaper, looking for a replacement. A mysterious drunk, ragged clothes came to apply for a job. The employer wanted to kick him drunk and go away but still wanted to test ...

What do you call a replacement dog?

A sub woofer

TIL that for release in Finland, the original Mortal Kombat had to be censored in an unusual way. Censors were fine with the gore, but insisted the music be replaced with traditional Christian songs.

FINNISH HYMN!!!

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A man and his friend are sitting at a bar

They’ve been there a while and the man gets so drunk he throws up down his shirt. The man gets very worried at this, saying “Oh no, my wife is gonna be pissed! She just bought me this shirt and made me swear up and down I wouldn’t do anything to ruin it.”

His friend eventually calms him down...

Yesterday the lady next door received a buzz from the front door. When she opened the door there was a man there. With a saddened look the man says "Lady, I'm terribly sorry, I just ran over your cat." Without hesitation the man tells the lady that he would like to replace the cat.

The lady looks up at the man and replies "Thats all right with me, but how are you at catching mice?"

I replaced my dad's shaving cream with mayonnaise...

He shouted "what the Hellman!"

I was driving to work this morning, distracted as usual by my coffee, banana, podcasts, etc, when I hit something. I saw a gray and white lump on the road in my rear view and feared the worse. I got out and checked, and just as I had thought, I hit a cat.

It had a collar on, so clearly it belonged to someone, and it was in front of a little farmhouse, which was the only house within seeing distance. I knocked on the door, and a lady in a bathrobe answered. It was plain to see the she was amid a hectic morning getting her kids ready for school. I e...

Why is a broken window so frustrating?

Because it’s a pane to replace.

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3 men shipwrecked on desert island

(Beer garden banter joke. Works best when you use yourself and people you know as the protagonists, just replace names and choose the butt of the joke)

3 men get shipwrecked on a desert island.
Their boat ruined they head in-land to find salvation, when out of the trees lunges a huge 7 fo...

My car battery died

I called AAA to come out and they diagnosed it and found out that it’s the original battery of 7 years and in need of replacement. So they swapped it out for me with one of their own.

Then it occurred to me that my car runs on a AAA battery.

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A lady complains to her best friend that she is not getting satisfied at home

\- "I even can't remember when was the last time we had it. I am losing my mind."

\- "My husband stopped having sex with me long time ago too. But I found a replacement"

\- "How? Tell me more about it."

\- "Well, whenever I feel like having it, I just call plumbers. By the time ...

There was a panic in the ICU today...

One of the patients stuck in bed was seen floating today. His nurse was freaking out because of a demonic possession. She calls the man’s family and a priest. Nobody can figure out what is going on just yet. I laugh to myself, knowing I replaced Mr. Johnson’s oxygen with helium

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I replaced an emergency stop button at work today.

It was a pressing issue.

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A man undergoes a new procedure and has penis replaced

With an elephant trunk. He hasn't told his girlfriend because he wants to surprise her on their wedding night. He is having dinner at the future in-laws house and they are having steak and baked potato. They pass the plate of potatoes to him and out of nowhere something darts out from between his ...

Army Joke?

I guess this joke is pretty popular in the armed forces, so I apologize if this is a repeat!

So anyways, once there was a guy, let’s call him Steve. So Steve has always had trouble with women. His first wife left him, his second wife passed away, and his third ended up having an affair. Feeli...

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)

"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?"

"Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven ...

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