UPJOKE
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Replace Jokes

A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them. He began writing an email to his supplier...

“Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.”

That didn’t sound right, so he tried again.

“Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.”

That still didn’t sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:

“Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you’re at it...

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”


The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

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Maybe replacement theory is correct.

Even neo-nazi's are being replaced by black people.
AI Image Generator

A man who lost his hat decided the easiest way to replace it was to steal it.

So he goes to the local church in search of a hat. A sermon about the ten commandments was going on as he made his way to the cloakroom. He stopped, thought for a moment, and changed his mind.

Upon seeing the pastor, the man walks up to him and says, "Father, I must say, your sermon saved me ...

If you replace your morning coffee with green tea .....

You can lose up to 87% of what little joy you have left in your life.

My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.

I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.

She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.

Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.

Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don't notice when a word in a sentence is replaced

by a musical instrument.

How many brexitiers does it take to replace a light bulb?

Two. One to promise a brighter future and one to screw it up.

TIL that for release in Finland, the original Mortal Kombat had to be censored in an unusual way. Censors were fine with the gore, but insisted the music be replaced with traditional Christian songs.

FINNISH HYMN!!!

A truck driver was speeding down a country road and ran over a rooster. Being an honest man, he walked to the farm house and knocked on the door. An old man answered the door. “Sir, he said, I would like to replace your rooster”.

“Suite yourself” he said. “The chickens are out back”

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Please don’t become angry and resort to violins if you don’t notice.

My wife wants to replace our kitchen countertops with Quartzsite

I told her I was afraid the kids would take it for granite

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The Pope said pets should not replace children in Italy

I guess he doesn't like priests practicing beastiality

If Trump replaces Obama as president,

Orange will be the new Black.

What is going to replace ObamaCare?

Don.T.Care

I replaced my friend's chapstick with a tube of glue.

So far, he hasn't said anything about it.

What did the retiring domintrix say to her replacement?

"I'll show you the ropes."

(I just thought of this joke. I'm sure it's been made before, sorry.)

Why can't AI (Artificial Intelligence) replace managers?

because it’s not designed to be useless

Levar Burton cannot replace Mayim Bialik as the host of the show...

Because Captain Picard would never willingly put a member of his crew in Jeopardy.

My coworker Jim sits next to another coworker, Collin. One day, Jim replaced the nametag on his cubicle to also say Collin

I asked him, "Jim, your name isn't Collin. What's going on?"

He replied, "We're trying to Collin-ize the area."

(True story)

My mate Dave's got a bad history with cobbler's and he refuses to replace his favourite shoes, despite having lots of holes in them.

He said he's got *trusty-shoes...*

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline;

she hit the roof.

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Spoke to my Doctor about getting artificial knees. It came down to a set of titanium replacements made in Tokyo or a set made in Taipei.

So its Japan knees vs. Taiwan knees.

i recently got a newer, smaller bucket to replace my old one

it really pails in comparison

My coworker, Kelvin, recently retired from the weather station and was replaced by a new guy named Celsius

He's the new temp.

If we want Congress to agree we should just replace the people with horses

Sure the neighs would carry every vote. But hay, at least the housing market would be stable.


I'll show myself out

A German city is the first in the world to get rid of school lunches and replace them with a bug-based alternative..

A spokesperson for the school said that they’ve had to fight an onslaught of misinformation about the program like the ridiculous theory that world is controlled by lizard people.

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The submarine sandwich shop by my work had moved to a new location and was replaced with an adult sex shop.

I didn't realize it until one day I walked in and asked for a 12-inch salami on an Italian.

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How many reddit users does it take to replace a lightbulb?

1 to make a post about it,
4 to mention that its the wrong forum,
1 to post it to the right forum,
7 to suggest op should post it to the electronics forum,
2 to post it to the electronics forum,
1 mod to delete the second post,

3 to suggest an image post would have gathered mor...

Who will replace Kim Jon Un after he dies

Kim Jon dos

My wife just told me she needs a hip replacement.

So I said “Glad we’re in agreement. How about the babysitter? She’s pretty hip”.

The Croatian Army announced ot want to replace his VHS rifles...

... with Blueray rifles.

NSFW - The position of 69 will now be replaced by 96.

With the economy as it is, the cost of eating out has gone up.

My phone just replaced the word "killed" with "kilt."

Well plaid, phone... Well plaid.

My child will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?

A cat.

Cats love fish.

I once amputated a man's toe and replaced it with a prosthetic made from a breath mint.

I gave him a Tic Tac toe.

Did you hear that doctors were able to replace a stamen with a pistil?

It was the first successful trans-plant.

Accordion to one study people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument

But I don’t believe that tuba true.

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A guy walks into a pet shop, looking to replace his lost wife. Immediately, a parrot befriends him....

Parrot says, "I love you, you're the greatest!"
Having just had lost people close to him, he is enamored.
"Come home with me," he says,
Parrot says, "Please!"
After bringing the parrot home and securing it in a safe space, Parrot says:
"I hate it here. You're an asshole."
This bant...

So Marvel and Ikea decided to do a crossover series. Marvel replaced the "Suit up" catchphrase with...

..."Avengers Assemble".

Lately I've been feeling a little invisible and have decided that to get noticed, I will have my legs removed and replaced with a horse's body...

...That way, wherever I go, I will be the centaur of attention.

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Whoever said technology will replace paper

..has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad!

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

Your phone has already replaced your watch, camera, calendar and alarm clock...

Don't let it replace your family.

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Tampax has announced they will replace the traditional tampon string with tinsel.

This will be for the Christmas period only.

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A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

if you replace all the members of a band one by one over time is it still the same band ?

Yes

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Food has replaced sex in my life.

I can't even get into my own pants.

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A man undergoes a new procedure and has penis replaced

With an elephant trunk. He hasn't told his girlfriend because he wants to surprise her on their wedding night. He is having dinner at the future in-laws house and they are having steak and baked potato. They pass the plate of potatoes to him and out of nowhere something darts out from between his ...

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

If I have to have a mastectomy, I'm opting for a beautifullly sculpted mahogany replacement.

That'd be nice, wooden tit.

I decided to replace my belt with multiple watches connected together.

It was a big waist of time.

Some monks came down to a small village in need of carpentry. They offered to replace all the wooden pillars and support beams in all the buildings by themselves. When the villagers asked why they were being so generous, the head monk simply replied

"Isn't it obvious? We're reposting for karma."

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When cybernetics are invented I want to replace my penis with a revolver

I could finally say I have a magnum dong

If cars were replaced by horses, what would replace gas stations?

Grass stations

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2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their
professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the ot...

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Did you hear about that baby that was born without one of his eye-lids? they used part of his foreskin to replace it.

He’ll be alright, just a little cock-eyed.

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Someone replaced all of the buttons in the elevator in my apartment building...

It was wrong on so many levels...

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A man goes to hell...

The devil greets him and says "You have to pick your torture. Pick wisely because this will be your torture for eternity".

The man goes through hundreds of rooms but can't decide, until he sees a room where a man is sitting on a couch watching football on TV and getting a blowjob from a cheer...

The rear view mirror fell out of my car a couple of months ago and I have never replaced it.

Haven’t looked back since.

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking ...

Doctor, my child refuses to eat meat! What can I replace it with?

Doctor: A dog. Dogs eat meat.

After months of putting it off, I finally replaced the mirror in the bathroom.

I just couldn't see myself using the other one.

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MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes h...

What do you say to a man from Mexico that had a successful hip replacement?

Hip Hip Jorge!

My wife was gleefully telling me about how the cost to replace her many responsibilities is $100k/year

Boy you should have seen her face though when I sent her an invoice for replacing the shower head.

My doctor gave me a prescription for this new hormone replacement therapy.

Turns out it also helps with toothaches. It's trans-and-dental medication.

I took my mannequin to the shop to have some parts replaced...

They charged me an arm and a leg!

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*BREAKING NEWS* A baby is born without eyelids, and doctors use his foreskin to replace them.

The surgery was a success. The baby should make a full recovery, but he will always be a little cockeyed.

Tablets were replaced by scrolls.

Scrolls were replaced by books.

Now we scroll through books on our tablets.

Replace the negative with the positive.......

and next time put the battery in right the first time.

A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

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Would you remarry if I die?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course ...

What did Donald Trump replace Obama Care with?

Don.T. Care

My boxing student quit so I think I’m going to replace her with my stylist.

I remember that she said she was proud of her bob and weave.

My PC Died today and my friend offered me to lend me his PS4 while i waited for replacements parts.

........But i was simply unconsolable

how many apple employees does it take to replace your broken screen?

none. "you need to buy our new model which will cost you ONLY $999"

Not everything can be replaced...

Bob sees his mate Mike lying, battered and bruised, next to the road sobbing.

He runs over.. "Mike, are you okay?"

"Look at my car!" Mike says through the tears, pointing to the wreck wrapped around a nearby tree.

"Don't cry," Bob says, "you can always get another car."

"...

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An elderly inventor was becoming depressed with his life: his hearing was failing, his wife was always nagging him, he hadn't invented anything good in years, and his former good looks had been replaced by wrinkles and sagging skin.

He goes to the doctor to discuss his depression. When he arrives back home he has a huge smile on his face. He rushed past his wife and heads into the basement, where he immediately starts tinkering with a brand new invention.

His wife comes downstairs, gives the invention a once-over, then...

Little known fact, in the 70s, Jim Morrison was originally the head of Microsoft. But after a few years, he was fired and replaced by Bill Gates.

Apparently, he made better Doors than Windows.

Have you heard about the movement to replace lab rats with lawyers?

The researchers don't get so attached and there are *some* things a rat just won't do.

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Hell no.

A man dies and is sent to hell. He meets the devil who offers him three choices of punishment for the sins that he had committed. The devil tells the man, "There are three torture rooms, of which you will pick one and go in to replace the person who is being punished in that room. The choice is your...

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My girlfriend had a leg removed and got it replaced with a dildo prosthetic.

She calls it her "pegleg".

Why will the Moon replace YouTube

It has lots of big craters

This joke brought to you by my girlfriend, you wouldn't know her, she goes to a different school .

When my pet goldfish died my parents thought it would be a great idea to replace it with a hamster...

Poor little guy drowned in seconds..

Jehovah is showing Ra around Heaven one day...

... when a man runs up to them, crosses himself, then spreads his arms and closes his eyes.

"Excuse me," Jehovah says to Ra, "this will only take a second." He waves his hands, there's a flash of light, and a purring kitten goes scampering away from where the man had been.

"Other than ...

I'm excited to announce I'm starting my new company that strictly replaces fuses.

When customers come to me to have fuses replaced I'll be able to refuse but still get paid.

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Why did the guy go to the doctor to replace his butt?

Because it has a crack in it,

If you ever feel useless...



Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...



the Taliban

How many Mexicans does it take to replace a serviceable part of a complex machine?

Just Juan and Emmanuel.

I replaced my best friend's lipstick with super glue.

She's not speaking to me.

So apparently Microsoft is working on a new Chromium-based web browser to replace the old ones..

Hooray! We'll finally have a decent web browser for downloading other web browsers.

My vacuum cleaner was having a hard time doing its job. Yet the one I bought to replace it didn’t work either.

It really sucks

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When your phone accidentally replaces fuck with duck, you can still use it.

It's still fowl language

what did the cult leader replace his punch with to be more fall festive

sui-cider

Yesterday the lady next door received a buzz from the front door. When she opened the door there was a man there. With a saddened look the man says "Lady, I'm terribly sorry, I just ran over your cat." Without hesitation the man tells the lady that he would like to replace the cat.

The lady looks up at the man and replies "Thats all right with me, but how are you at catching mice?"

My brother is afraid that robots will replace him.

If he would look in his wife's bedside dresser he would realize he already has been

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The smallest penis

*John: insert name of person you tell the joke to.

So three guys sits at a bar.

First one goes - “I have the smallest feet in the world!” The other guys take a look at his feet and acknowledges his statement - “sure your feet must be the smallest in the world!”

Second guy then...

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