UPJOKE
changesupervene uponsubstituteput backexchangesucceedputreplacementmodifyplaceinstallmovedisplacerenewconvert

A truck driver was speeding down a country road and ran over a rooster. Being an honest man, he walked to the farm house and knocked on the door. An old man answered the door. “Sir, he said, I would like to replace your rooster”.

“Suite yourself” he said. “The chickens are out back”

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”


The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

So Marvel and Ikea decided to do a crossover series. Marvel replaced the "Suit up" catchphrase with...

..."Avengers Assemble".

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline....

She hit the roof.

Your phone has already replaced your watch, camera, calendar and alarm clock...

Don't let it replace your family.

Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don't notice when a word in a sentence is replaced

by a musical instrument.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Please don’t become angry and resort to violins if you don’t notice.

A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any ministers that misguided him.

A Minister once gave an opinion which was wrong which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the Minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The Minister said, "I served you loyally for 10 years & you do this..?"

The King was unrelenting.

Minister pleaded, "Please give m...

Levar Burton cannot replace Mayim Bialik as the host of the show...

Because Captain Picard would never willingly put a member of his crew in Jeopardy.

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

LongMEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes ho...

If I have to have a mastectomy, I'm opting for a beautifullly sculpted mahogany replacement.

That'd be nice, wooden tit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many reddit users does it take to replace a lightbulb?

1 to make a post about it,
4 to mention that its the wrong forum,
1 to post it to the right forum,
7 to suggest op should post it to the electronics forum,
2 to post it to the electronics forum,
1 mod to delete the second post,

3 to suggest an image post would have gathered mor...

An electrician gets tired of being looked down upon for his profession

so he uses the money he has saved up to become a doctor.

As a resident, he always stood out amongst a crowd that was still mostly younger rich kids who could afford medical school somehow right out of high school and undergrad.

One day in particular, the hospital fire alarm got yanke...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is drunk at a bar

After finally deciding to go home to his wife, he promptly vomits all over his shirt. He becomes worried his wife will be angry at him for allowing himself to get so drunk. Thankfully, his friend at the bar comes to his aid;
“Here, take this $10 bill. Tell your wife some guy threw up on your...

A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them. He began writing an email to his supplier...

“Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.”

That didn’t sound right, so he tried again.

“Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.”

That still didn’t sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:

“Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you’re at it...

My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.

I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.

She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.

Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Food has replaced sex in my life.

I can't even get into my own pants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to hell...

The devil greets him and says "You have to pick your torture. Pick wisely because this will be your torture for eternity".

The man goes through hundreds of rooms but can't decide, until he sees a room where a man is sitting on a couch watching football on TV and getting a blowjob from a cheer...

A man is driving home after a long day at work.

Frustrated by another day working for his insufferable boss, he fails to notice a pothole and blows a tire. Stranded on the side of the road, he begins to drag out his spare when suddenly a genie appears next to him.

“Greetings, mortal.” The genie says. “I have taken pity on you, and will th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor, my elbow hurts a lot.

A man comes to the doctor
- Doctor, my elbow hurts a lot.
- Please bring urine for analysis tomorrow.
The man got angry, because what has urine analysis got to do with the pain in his elbow. He decided to mock the doctor and poured his urine, his daughter's urine, his wife's urine int...

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, thi...

If you ever feel useless...



Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...



the Taliban

Lately I've been feeling a little invisible and have decided that to get noticed, I will have my legs removed and replaced with a horse's body...

...That way, wherever I go, I will be the centaur of attention.

What do you say to a man from Mexico that had a successful hip replacement?

Hip Hip Jorge!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Microsoft made cars.

Disclaimer: This Joke was made in the 1990's in response to comments that if the automobile industry kept pace with Silicone Valley cars would be much more advanced. The origin is the Mid 1990's
However at close retrospect some of this now happens.





At a computer expo (...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone replaced all of the buttons in the elevator in my apartment building...

It was wrong on so many levels...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man buys a second hand car

A man buys a second hand car. It's an old, run down Datsun.
The man buys the car, but as he's driving home it breaks down. When he lifts the hood, he notices that there's a cog missing.

He calls a mechanic, but he tells the man that Datsun had run out of business years ago, and that he wo...

How many brexitiers does it take to replace a light bulb?

Two. One to promise a brighter future and one to screw it up.

My doctor gave me a prescription for this new hormone replacement therapy.

Turns out it also helps with toothaches. It's trans-and-dental medication.

Milk production on a dairy farm has slowed down…

Management needs to figure out what’s going wrong, so they hire three consultants. A psychologist, an engineer, and a physicist.

The psychologist spends a few days wandering the fields before returning to the farmer and saying “The cows are stressed tf out. Give them a window for natural ligh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you see on the news the boy who was born with no eyelids?

The doctors rushed him to emergency surgery for his circumcision and immediately replaced his eyelids with his foreskin in a miraculous surgery. The doctor was praised and during an interview stated "the boy is going to be just fine, we don't see any major complications in his future however he may ...

If we want Congress to agree we should just replace the people with horses

Sure the neighs would carry every vote. But hay, at least the housing market would be stable.


I'll show myself out

I heard you were good at algebra

Could you replace my x

without asking y?

Did you hear that doctors were able to replace a stamen with a pistil?

It was the first successful trans-plant.

Tablets were replaced by scrolls.

Scrolls were replaced by books.

Now we scroll through books on our tablets.

I took my mannequin to the shop to have some parts replaced...

They charged me an arm and a leg!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the other...

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions......... 1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? 2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?r>
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make som...

A zookeeper is giving a chemist a tour of the zoo.

The zookeeper gestures at a fancy new building proudly and says to the scientist "This is our replacement 'Pachyderm Palace'. It's newly built, and is not fully accessible, so it's only in use on Tuesdays."

The chemist says "Ah, so it's a periodic stable for the elephants."

A Pirate was offered a prosthetic in place of his eye patch...

The doctor asked, "I made this prosthetic eye out of oak wood to replace your eye patch. Would you like to try it?"

The pirate replied, "Would I?!"

After months of putting it off, I finally replaced the mirror in the bathroom.

I just couldn't see myself using the other one.

Bachelor shopping

A man, enjoying bachelorhood while his wife was away visiting her parents, lived like a typical bachelor, living on whatever was in the pantry.

Cauliflower in the fridge? Fry them with the eggs found there and that's lunch and dinner. Don't want to cook? Open up the cans of soup in the pantry...

Accordion to one study people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument

But I don’t believe that tuba true.

Who will replace Kim Jon Un after he dies

Kim Jon dos

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

My child will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?

A cat.

Cats love fish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian soldier is assigned to the training exercise

A Russian soldier is assigned to a squad near the front of the training exercise to replace a fallen komrat. He is warned that the training is hard with many death, and the squad members are a bit excentric, so he should just try to fit in.


He arrives to a camp of about 10 men and a cou...

Accordion to a scientific study released by the Department of Psychology at the University of British Columbia,

most people will not immediately notice if one of the words in a sentence has been replaced with a musical instrument until they've read more than three quarters of the way through it.

NSFW - The position of 69 will now be replaced by 96.

With the economy as it is, the cost of eating out has gone up.

A man finds himself repairing a fence

A man finds himself repairing a fence in front of his house. The fence is old and rickety, and he has to replace a number of the sections. 

He digs a plank out, and places a new one in the same hole, but his wife comes out and tells him,

 “I’ve always wanted the fence to be a little cl...

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a pet shop, looking to replace his lost wife. Immediately, a parrot befriends him....

Parrot says, "I love you, you're the greatest!"
Having just had lost people close to him, he is enamored.
"Come home with me," he says,
Parrot says, "Please!"
After bringing the parrot home and securing it in a safe space, Parrot says:
"I hate it here. You're an asshole."
This bant...

After Quasimodo's death…

…, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whoever said technology will replace paper

..has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly inventor was becoming depressed with his life: his hearing was failing, his wife was always nagging him, he hadn't invented anything good in years, and his former good looks had been replaced by wrinkles and sagging skin.

He goes to the doctor to discuss his depression. When he arrives back home he has a huge smile on his face. He rushed past his wife and heads into the basement, where he immediately starts tinkering with a brand new invention.

His wife comes downstairs, gives the invention a once-over, then...

Little known fact, in the 70s, Jim Morrison was originally the head of Microsoft. But after a few years, he was fired and replaced by Bill Gates.

Apparently, he made better Doors than Windows.

if you replace all the members of a band one by one over time is it still the same band ?

Yes

What is going to replace ObamaCare?

Don.T.Care

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend had a leg removed and got it replaced with a dildo prosthetic.

She calls it her "pegleg".

A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.

He’s the new temp.

I'm excited to announce I'm starting my new company that strictly replaces fuses.

When customers come to me to have fuses replaced I'll be able to refuse but still get paid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When cybernetics are invented I want to replace my penis with a revolver

I could finally say I have a magnum dong

If cars were replaced by horses, what would replace gas stations?

Grass stations

If Trump replaces Obama as president,

Orange will be the new Black.

Some monks came down to a small village in need of carpentry. They offered to replace all the wooden pillars and support beams in all the buildings by themselves. When the villagers asked why they were being so generous, the head monk simply replied

"Isn't it obvious? We're reposting for karma."

My wife hates to step on a scale

Because everytime she does, we have to replace it

Not everything can be replaced...

Bob sees his mate Mike lying, battered and bruised, next to the road sobbing.

He runs over.. "Mike, are you okay?"

"Look at my car!" Mike says through the tears, pointing to the wreck wrapped around a nearby tree.

"Don't cry," Bob says, "you can always get another car."

"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tarzan

After a horrific accident, Tarzan had to go through miracle jungle surgery. His eyes were replaced with an eagles…. His legs were replaced with a cheetahs…. And his penis was replaced with an elephant trunk.

Tarzan was amazed! He could see farther with his eagle eyes, run faster with his chee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

RIP Barry Cryer - a true comedy great

From his obituary:
> Cryer, the master of the comedy sketch and the instant one-liner, was once asked by the Yorkshire Post for his favourite joke. He recalled one he had told in a student revue in 1955.

>"A man drives down a country lane and runs over a cockerel. He knocks at ...

What did the retiring domintrix say to her replacement?

"I'll show you the ropes."

(I just thought of this joke. I'm sure it's been made before, sorry.)

Worst customer service

I experienced the WORST customer service today at a store…I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. Last night I bought something from this store. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it failed So today, less than 24 hours later I took i...

A man put his car in reverse and accidentally drove it into a wall.

He took it to his mechanic, who replaced the dented bumper.
A few days later, he actually did it again. "I'm so embarrassed," he moaned to his wife while he reached for the phone.
"Why not tell him it was me this time?" his wife suggested.

"I could," he said while dialing, "but that's w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about that baby that was born without one of his eye-lids? they used part of his foreskin to replace it.

He’ll be alright, just a little cock-eyed.

A guy was driving down a country lane and he ran over a rooster

He was very upset.

He went to the farmhouse and knocked on the door and a woman opened it and he said: 'I appear to have killed your rooster. I'd like to replace him.'

And she said: 'Please yourself, the hens are round the back.

My coworker Jim sits next to another coworker, Collin. One day, Jim replaced the nametag on his cubicle to also say Collin

I asked him, "Jim, your name isn't Collin. What's going on?"

He replied, "We're trying to Collin-ize the area."

(True story)

My wife was gleefully telling me about how the cost to replace her many responsibilities is $100k/year

Boy you should have seen her face though when I sent her an invoice for replacing the shower head.

TIL that for release in Finland, the original Mortal Kombat had to be censored in an unusual way. Censors were fine with the gore, but insisted the music be replaced with traditional Christian songs.

FINNISH HYMN!!!

Dead Rooster

A man was driving down a quiet country road when a rooster wandered into his path. The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster. Please allow...

A man walks into a store to replace his broken vacuum

Saleman: "Well this sucks"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

*BREAKING NEWS* A baby is born without eyelids, and doctors use his foreskin to replace them.

The surgery was a success. The baby should make a full recovery, but he will always be a little cockeyed.

I replaced my best friend's lipstick with super glue.

She's not speaking to me.

Two Patients

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second pat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tampax has announced they will replace the traditional tampon string with tinsel.

This will be for the Christmas period only.

Replace the negative with the positive.......

and next time put the battery in right the first time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

My boxing student quit so I think I’m going to replace her with my stylist.

I remember that she said she was proud of her bob and weave.

how many apple employees does it take to replace your broken screen?

none. "you need to buy our new model which will cost you ONLY $999"

I’m glad # is not called pound anymore.

Otherwise, the #metoo movement would be sending the wrong message.

Have you heard about the movement to replace lab rats with lawyers?

The researchers don't get so attached and there are *some* things a rat just won't do.

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

Imagine my shock when I got home to find my husband had replaced his feet with wheels and was wearing a funnel on his head.

I'd never even suspected he was a trainsvestite.

The rear view mirror fell out of my car a couple of months ago and I have never replaced it.

Haven’t looked back since.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When your phone accidentally replaces fuck with duck, you can still use it.

It's still fowl language

Why will the Moon replace YouTube

It has lots of big craters

This joke brought to you by my girlfriend, you wouldn't know her, she goes to a different school .

Pyotr is a poor serf in Tsarist Russia... (Wife's favourite joke)

...tilling his field one day, he unearths a lamp. As he starts to rub off the dirt, a genie comes flying out and in a great, booming voice, says, "Pyort Petrovich, you have freed me! Fortunate you are, for I shall grant you any wish your heart desires!"

Pyort thinks a moment and says, "No, I ...

Once, many many years ago, there was a fad among fast food restaurants

to put historical, sometimes military or industrial items in their front yards as a kind of attraction/plaything; an old howitzer or maybe even a train caboose that kids could inspect or climb on. Sometimes these unlikely things would be decorated with the characters or dishes of the food chain. For...

Do you know the reason all the bat boys in major league baseball are replaced when they turn 18?

Because otherwise you'd have to call him Batman.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.