A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

How many mexicans do you need to replace a lightbulb?

Just Juan

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Why did the guy go to the doctor to replace his butt?

Because it has a crack in it,

I decided not to replace my rear mirror.

I haven’t looked back since.

My vacuum cleaner was having a hard time doing its job. Yet the one I bought to replace it didn’t work either.

It really sucks

Did you hear about when the Bride of Frankenstein helped him replace a missing neck bolt?

Turns out, all he needed was a big screw.

Why will the Moon replace YouTube

It has lots of big craters

This joke brought to you by my girlfriend, you wouldn't know her, she goes to a different school .

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Tampax has announced they will replace the traditional tampon string with tinsel.

This will be for the Christmas period only.

So apparently Microsoft is working on a new Chromium-based web browser to replace the old ones..

Hooray! We'll finally have a decent web browser for downloading other web browsers.

My brother is afraid that robots will replace him.

If he would look in his wife's bedside dresser he would realize he already has been

If Trump replaces Obama as president,

Orange will be the new Black.

My computer decided to replace all my icons to this weird yellow bubble with headphones...

The Audacity...

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Whoever said technology would replace paper....

has clearly never tried wiping their butt with an iPad.

what did the cult leader replace his punch with to be more fall festive

sui-cider

Yesterday the lady next door received a buzz from the front door. When she opened the door there was a man there. With a saddened look the man says "Lady, I'm terribly sorry, I just ran over your cat." Without hesitation the man tells the lady that he would like to replace the cat.

The lady looks up at the man and replies "Thats all right with me, but how are you at catching mice?"

Someone tried to steal my silk sheets and replace them with a cheaper fabric.

Not today, satin.

Not today.

Autopilot really won't replace good, high paying jobs for airline captains...

I talked to one who said his career was just taking off.

What is going to replace ObamaCare?

Don.T.Care

I’ve always wanted to replace the Mediterranean with orange soda

I guess it’s always been my biggest Fanta Sea.

My dog destroyed my chess set. I tried to replace the missing pieces...

but the pawn shop was closed.

I invented a robot to remove the cartridge from my gaming console and replace it with another.

It was a game changer!

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I was born with a missing eyelid. The doctors used my foreskin to replace it.

Which is why to this day I see the world a little cockeyed.

How many police officers does it take to replace a lightbulb?

None. They just beat the room for being black.

I decided to replace my belt with multiple watches connected together.

It was a big waist of time.

An American patriot with amputated arms decides to replace them.

He obtains a pair of grizzly bear arms from a black market, and attaches them on his own, with the help of a friend.

He is arrested for contribution to animal cruelty and performing medical procedures unlicensed.

When taken to court, he gives a speech defending his right to bear arms.

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THERAPIST: What's the problem with your marriage? WIFE: He replaces words with animal names just to annoy me

ME: I don't do it on porpoise

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The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's proposed health care package to replace Obama-Care.

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves and while the Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain that everyone w...

How many white people does it take to replace a light bulb?

One to hold the bulb, and the rest to screw the whole world.

A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, “LOOL AREA!!”

He was confused and asks one of the employees about it.

“Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’."

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no ...

It was recently discovered that Hillary approached President Trump to ask if she could replace Justice Scalia after his death.

Trump replied, "That's perfectly fine with me so long as the undertaker is okay with it."

Republicans might be worried that the "repeal and replace" failed...

But it's okay; burns are covered by the Affordable Care Act.

If we replace all "Chuck Norris" jokes with Kim Jung Un....

We could write the North Korean Official Website.

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Ford cars and anal.. If you replace ford with anal you will get some interesting results.

Anal Explorer
Anal Fiesta
Anal Focus
Anal Flex
Anal Fusion

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So a man had his eye lids burned off in a fire and the doctors used a new procedure to replace them with his foreskin

He came out just fine besides being a little cockeyed.

How many Mexicans does it take to replace a serviceable part of a complex machine?

Just Juan and Emmanuel.

Breaking News: United Airlines to replace carbonated beverage options.

They will now only sell punch.

My friend is trying to convince me to replace all my skin with a plush brown material

But I won't be suede

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

"Computers will never replace humans."

- Cannibal wisdom.

A monkey at a zoo passes away, and no monkeys are left to replace it

A desperate man is hired to dress in a Monkey Suit, he is pretending to be a monkey, and after a few days he somehow falls into the lion pit. Suddenly he is yelling and screaming for help, the Lion approaches him and the man prepares for the end. The lion opens its mouth and says, "Shut up or you're...

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How many dead hookers does it take to replace a light bulb?

At least more than eight, the light in my basement still doesn't work...

The US Treasury announced Harriet Tubman will replace Andrew Jackson on the $20

So there's going to be a whole new bill in the black market.

When my pet goldfish died my parents thought it would be a great idea to replace it with a hamster...

Poor little guy drowned in seconds..

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A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks; "Why the long face?"

A few local barflies laughed into their glasses, hunched over like a waning reed in the wind, rosy cheeked and bleary eyed.

The horse walked up the bar and awkwardly sat down on a stool which creaked loudly under their weight.

"I'll tell you why" the horse said in a perfect English acc...

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My niece was born with no eyelids, bless her heart, but the doctors were able to replace them with surgically removed foreskin...

Only side effect is she's a little cock-eyed now.

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Taking a neighborhood walk one day, a man comes across another man in the middle of the street jumping up and down on a manhole cover

...and with each jump he calls out "21! 21! 21!" Repeatedly. Finally, after growing annoyed watching, the man on the sidewalk offers, "It's 22, you know. The next number...?" Manhole guy "21! 21! Yeah, I know. 21! 21!"

Sidewalk guy watches a little longer. "Why are you even doing that...?" Ma...

Germany owed a massive debt to France after the treaty of Versailles

One day, Germany couldn't afford to pay the weekly payment to France. So France gathered a band of soldiers and rode into a small town in Rhineland on trucks, hoping to find anything valuable as reparation. After inspecting the town for a brief moment, they took its tram tracks and street lamps back...

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Doing the Boss

A woman's boss calls her into his office asking her if she would house sit when he's gone for a weekend.
Accepting right away she says , "I'll make a list right now of what you'll need. Whatll you need me to do?"

"I've a mini pig that has a rash, can you rub some soothing oil on it?" The b...

The CIA are training assassins

Two men and a woman make it into the final test

The first man walks into the final test room and the CIA says “Behind that door is your wife walk in and shoot her”

The man says “Oh no, I can’t do that, I really can’t”
So the CIA escort him out the building

The second man wal...

A woman answered the doorbell where a man was standing at the door.

The man said,"I'm terribly sorry,but I believe I just ran over your cat and I would like to replace it for you."

The woman replied,"Well that's alright with me,how are you at catching mice?"

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