I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'let's make this interesting'.

So we stopped playing chess.

I like to play chess with old men in the park

Although it’s hard to find 32 of them.

A person from Czechoslovakia falls in love with a chess player

It’s a Czechmate!

What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?

They both end with a check mate

How did the austrailian buy his new chess set?

Cheque, mate.

Chess Joke

You know chess is like a mirror image of real life in a lot of ways. For instance the person playing as black doesn't always lose, but they generally have to work a lot harder.

America is like a game of chess.

Black always goes second.

What did the waiter say to the Aussie chess player after he finished his meal?

Here's your cheque mate.

Why is america at an disadvantage at chess?

Because they are missing two towers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man reportedly knocked over a chess table during a tournament using his penis.

People are saying it was a real dick move.

My friend is a chess master from the Soviet block

No really he's my Czech mate

A group of chess enthusiasts check into a hotel and are standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager comes out of the office and asks them to disperse.

​

“But why?” they ask, as they move off.

​

“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

What did the chess grandmaster do when the big tournament was stressing him out?

He took the knight off.

Staying at a hotel over the weekend and we met some chess tournament players in the lobby. They were VERY sure of themselves.

It was chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was playing chess with a guy known to be an offensive player.

Within the first two minutes he called my mom a whore and slapped me with a wet paper towel.

When someone has two queens in chess...

You know there's been cheating.


I wonder how many times this joke will go over people's heads.

My last trip to Europe reminded me how bad I was at chess

I was beaten by a Czech mate

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Boris Spassky was once asked by a reporter, "Which do you prefer: chess or sex?".

Spassky replied, "It very much depends on the position".

Gary kasparov (chess master) was sitting next to me in a plane.

He wanted to play chess with me.
I was like " come on Gary, u r like this world champion player... U will beat me in less than 10 moves. "

Gary replied, " I'll play with my left hand"

" That sounds fair" I said. And we played.
I don't know how but Gary beat me in 7 moves. I was...

What’s every SWAT team leader’s favourite chess move?

C4

What do Slovakians say when they win a game of chess?

"Czech mate"

Why did Saudi Arabia banned chess and called it a dangerous game.?

Because, The queen can roam freely wherever she wants to.

A chess player once borrowed a million dollars to purchase special edition chess boards.

His friend asked him to pay the money back but he ran away. His friend got cancer and couldn't pay the bills.

Finally the chess player went to visit him, holding a piece of paper in his hand. He walked up to him, and extended his arm towards him, and said "Check, mate."

Chess is blasphemous

Bishops are not allowed to move in a cardinal direction.

My Aussie friend doesn't understand Chess

He says check mate even when I have a way out

So the other day in the lobby I hear two chess masters bragging about their past wins

They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

Over the years, I've realized that life is a lot like chess.

My friends are pros at it, but I'm still the idiot who thinks the knight is called a horse.

cHEsS

An Australian is playing chess. He says, "Check, mate."

Although the game just begun, the other player leaves thinking the game is over

There’s a chess convention at nice hotel

Afterwards all the players were hanging out in the lobby talking and bragging about who won. They were really loud and carrying on. The manager finally came out and had to ask them to leave. He said “I can’t have a bunch of chess nuts boasting in an open foyer”

What does an Australian dinner out and a chess match have in common?

The both end with someone saying Cheque Mate!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sex is like a chess game

1. The more you practice the better you play.
2. You need to watch your partner's every move.
3. The first game was with grandpa.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Arguing with an anti-vaxxer is like playing chess with a pigeon...

No matter how good at chess you are, the pigeon will just knock over pieces, shit on the board, and then fly back to its flock to claim victory.

I knew I was playing chess with an Australian...

... he said "checkmate" and then left suddenly.

I went to lunch with a champion chess player.

It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt...

I was waiting for a girl to make a move on me, but it was taking her too long

Then I found out she was a Chess Player

The Christmas Chess Tournament

The chess tournament during the Christmas season was pretty well attended, and the players were having a great time. After each pair finished their game, they would go back over it, sometimes involving others and spectators to discuss moves made and moves that should have been made, and the winners ...

Why is America so bad at chess?

Cuz they already lost 2 towers.

Why can't people in the U.S. play chess?

Because their king is actually a pawn.

Finally got a job making chess pieces

I start on nights next week

When I was young, I used to play chess with my father and he always beat me.

Probably because I always won in chess.

An Australian person went to a chess themed restaurant.

After finishing his meal, he asked the server, “could I get my check mate?”

Two guys are playing chess.

Two guys are playing chess. After a very long time, one of them says:
"I am waiting for your move."
The other guy replies, angrily: "Why didn't you tell me this two hours ago?"

My children's chess addiction is getting out of hand.

But I have managed to keep them in check so far.

A computer beat me at chess

But I really got the better of it in boxing.

Being the first to move in chess...

Is white privilege.

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.

It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .

Putin been giving Trump lessons on how to play chess

But the only thing Donald could remember was that it's important to block The Queen.

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A friend from work asked if I wanted a chess tournament

I said yes but then he tried to sell me a sculpture of a woman’s tits

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and a dog are playing chess

A woman walks in and says "holy crap, your dog can play chess?! That's amazing! What a brilliant dog! "


The man says "you think my dog is brilliant? Pffft. Hardly. He's pretty dumb, I've won 19 games out of the 20 we've played."

What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say at the start of a game of chess?

I’ll be black

Anyone hear the one about the three legged chess player?

Some say he's always a step ahead of the competition.

I hate it when I go first in chess

It makes me feel kinda racist

I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week.

Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".

He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".

So I handed him the cake and said "check mate".

A man sees two people engaged in a game of Chess at the gym

The man asks the two: “Why are you two here?”


One of them replies: “Those bodybuilders over there said it was Chess day”

Why will the south never know the area of a chess board.

It is black and white so they won't integrate

What's the similarity between chess and the world?

White has an advantage.

A chess player was travelling abroad for a tournament

He managed to find a room at a small hotel. Upon entering the room, he immediately knew something was wrong and briskly made his way back to reception.

"Is something wrong?" the receptionist asked, startled by the man's disgruntled demeanour.

The man exclaimed "I thought I paid for ro...

One from my chess teacher

"When a girl tells you you're going too far... she actually means you're coming too close."

Why shouldn't you eat a chess sandwich?

It's stale, mate.

Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess.

But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

I hate playing chess with communists!

They're always stalin' for time..

At the Robot Exhibition: "Wow. What a fantastic chess robot you have!"

"Oh, this? This is not a chess robot. It's a 'throws all the pieces and flips the board' robot. We also taught it to play chess, so that in context flipping the board seems more human."

What do you call it when all the pieces on the Chess Board go on Strike??

A Piece-ful Protest.

From a kid in the local chess club

Kid: Do you know why bishops move diagonally?
Me: No, why?
Kid: Because catholic priests never go straight

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Which do you prefer, sex or chess?

Depends on the position.

Where's the worst place to buy a chess set?

A pawn shop.

What chess piece is the best with kids?

The bishop

Why can the chess Queen move around as she wants?

Because the chess table looks like a kitchen floor.

Why can't Michael Jackson play chess?

Because he's dead.

A man walks into a bar and sees a man playing chess with his dog.

"Dear goodness! I've never seen such a thing in my life. That dog must be incredibly smart."
"Not really. He loses 9 out of every 10 games."

They say a man's attractiveness is tied to his chess ability...

Unfortunately, I'm really bad at mating.

My dog destroyed my chess set. I tried to replace the missing pieces...

but the pawn shop was closed.

I was playing chess with my Australian friend

He moved his queen in front of my king and said "check, mate".


I replied and said, "you didn't win though?"


Confused he said, "mate, I know."

I was playing against my foreign European pal at a game of chess, and I won.

I beat him with a Czech mate.

A guy beat his eastern european friend at chess.

He got a czech-mate

My wife makes love like a chess player.

Every twenty minutes, she moves.

Why did the chess player throw away his bread?

Because it was stalemate

How do chess players reproduce?

By check-mating.

Life is a lot like chess

You've always got to be thinking two steps ahead.

And most people want to be white.

When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.

Classic rook-y mistake.