UPJOKE
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If you forget the rules of Chess don't worry...

... you're allowed to check

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'.

So we stopped playing chess.

Why is the white bishop piece in chess the fastest?

Because it's on F1.

I defeated a chess grand master in three moves.

I stood up; picked up a chair and hit him with it.

Why can’t Michael Jackson play chess?

He can’t decide which color to use

Me and the knight in chess have a lot in common

Every time we move it results on an L

I defeated a state chess champion in two moves

My karate lessons really paid off.

I had dinner with a chess master

IT TOOK HIM FOUR HOURS TO PASS THE FRICKING SALT

Made an Eastern European friend on a chess forum.

He was my Czech mate.

Why can chess Bishops only more diagonally?

Because north, south, east and west are Cardinal directions.

What do you call a bunch of chess masters bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

You can never enjoy a game of Chess against an Australian.

Everytime he checks, you'll think he's won the game.

What is the favourite move of a chess player suffering from OCD?

*double-check*

Why is the US bad at chess?

We have no kings, no queens, and we already lost 2 towers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chess Champion

The reporter asked the reigning chess grandmaster "What do you do before your games ?"

"Well", said the champ, "I never have sex on the night before a big match"

"Does that help you concentrate? "

"I'm not sure" he sighed "I don't have sex any other night either".

My Computer Beat Me At Chess Today

It was no match for me at kickboxing though.

Why did the chess master throw up on the boat?

He got c6.

While my roommate was sleeping, I dumped chess pieces on his head.

You should have seen the rook on his face.

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Arguing against an idiot is like playing chess against a pigeon

You strategically think of all the moves and you have the intelligence to win, but they will just shit on all the pieces and then strut around as if they'd won

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

I did it the other knight...

And I got rooked.

A british person plays chess with an american,

The british person always wins. Why?


Their queen never dies.

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. The man watched the game in astonishment for a while.

“I can hardly believe my eyes!” he said. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”

“He’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”

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Sex is like Chess

Every move you can think of already got a name

What's a chess player's favorite country?

Czech Republic

Why do British people keep winning in chess

Because their queen can't die.

Why do chess grandmasters use Tinder in Prague?

Because every good chess player makes a move for a Czech mate.

Norris: I can defeat any chess champion in three moves or less.

Boris: You know Chess?

Norris: No, Judo

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off.

“Because,” he said “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

Chess players say checkers players are dumb. But I like checkers...

Plus the red ones taste good.


Credit: Norm MacDonald (RIP)

What does an Australian chess player say when they go to a restaurant?

Check, mate

Life is like a game of chess

I don’t know how to play chess

I was playing chess and my opponent opened with 1. Nf3.

I wasn't reti for that.

I Want to Become a Famous Chess Player.

But I've got too much of a checkered past to do it.

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Catholic school is like a game of chess.

You don’t want to end up with the bishop in your ass.

Two guys are playing chess.

One says to the other, "How about we make this more interesting?"

So they stop playing chess.

Chess is banned under Islam

They hate that the queen moves freely.

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Why do Australians, when they go out to dinner, always talk about chess?

Seriously! They always ask for the checkmate, and it’s starting to piss me off.

Why do "nice guys" suck at Chess

They never protect the king, always the queen

The Chess Grand Master was embarrassed when they found out he used to play a much simpler game…

…that’s right, he had a “checkered past.”

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I beat a chess grandmaster in only three moves

Turns out he's pretty shit at karate.

Chess, the singing parrot

This guy goes into a pet shop looking for a bird. The shopkeeper brings him to a cage and tells him, “You won’t believe what this parrot Chess can do. He’s wonderfully talented, and his songs will blow your mind. Only $10,000.”

“That’s pretty steep,” he replies. “What’s so amazing about these...

My computer always wins when we play chess

But it's no match for me in kick-boxing.

Two Chess Grandmasters sit down for a Drink

They get a little tipsy, and their tongues loosen up.

Charles: “My wife has been awfully quiet recently. I think she may be having an affair.”

Digory: “...”

Charles: “Well come on man, don’t be so glum.”

Digory: “Charles, I have a confession about my last mate.”

Ch...

African Grey Parrots are famously intelligent, but studies have shown that they consistently lose chess matches against ravens, jackdaws, and other corvids.

Said one researcher, "They just have trouble weighing the crows and pawns."

Why is it so hard to win a chess match against an Australian?

Because the moment they attack your king, it's a check, mate!

My life is a lot like chess.

I'm really bad at it.

Why is it generally a bad idea to marry chess pieces?

Well many would think of it as a Rook-ie mistake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a Japanese man named Fuk

Perhaps due to his unfortunate name, and the trouble it brought, he had a great love of alcohol, particularly the rice wine Sake. Every day he would drink an entire bottle from his special stash that was rumoured to contain hundreds upon hundreds of bottles.

Tragedy struck however, upon finis...

How do chess players stay in shape?

They lift rooks.

Haven't played chess in a year

Did they nerf the queen yet?

Never buy a chess set from France

You’ll never find the top of the Queen

What's Bin Laden's favorite chess opening?

Pwn to C4

Today I was playing chess and blundered a major piece

Rookie mistake

Why does the Queen have more mobility in chess than the king?

Because the board looks like a kitchen floor

A man is playing chess with a horse in the park.

A man is playing chess with a horse in the park.

A passer-by stops and watches them amazed. After a while ha says to the man: "Wow, your horse is playing chess? It must be really smart."

The man replies: "You call it smart? He hasn't won for like twelve games straight."

Australian Grandmaster wins big chess tournament, "so would you like the prize money as cash or..?" "check, mate"

Hey so I won a college chess tournament and are about to go into an Instagram live video with a talkative person(the host,lady) and the college chess coach "Dan" (friend of mine,older) . So what are some jokes I can do?

I'm thinking of..

Host:"so you've played a lot of chess huh?"
...

Two men are playing chess in Australia

One guy asks "What's your ethnicity?"

As he knocks over the king, the other guy responds "Czech, mate"

I like to play chess with old men in the park

although it’s hard to find 32 of them

2 Psychics are playing a game of chess...

They look at the board and then firmly shake their hands and nod and say “Good Game!”
and leave.

After the chess tournament in Australia was over, the champion still walked away empty-handed.

When the judges went to hand him the prize, they said "Here's your check, mate."

My girlfriend told me if I use any more chess terminology, she'll break up with me

"Check," I said.

She moved out the next day.

"Checkmate," I said.

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.

It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .

How is a chess player like an Australian who's about to leave a restaurant?

They're both looking for a checkmate.

Bob Seger sits in a park with a tired-eyed old man. He's learning how to play chess.

After going over the layout and setup of the board, the old man begins a lesson on to the movement of the individual pieces.

Queens move in all directions, any distance. Kings are the same but with only one space. He didn't understand the knight, though.

Two in one direction, then ...

A chess grandmaster blundered his rook by moving it from the E file to the F file instead of the G file

What a rook-e mistake!!!

Why do dyslexic chess players have such fresh breath?

Because they're so good at finding Tic Tacs.

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

A dumb man is seated next to the world chess champion in a flight.

And the world champion asks the dumb fellow if he’d like to play a game of chess to pass the time.

The dumb fellow politely denies saying he can’t compete with a world champion.

The world master insists. But the guy refuses.

The world master proposes to level the field by promis...

A chess champion and an Australian man were playing a game of chess at a fancy restaurant.

(My dad told me this one, not sure if it’s OG but hey it’s worth a shot)

A chess master wanted to go back to playing casual matches, he also invited his old friend who was from Australia to play at a local restaurant.

The man is surprised his friend is holding out amazingly well, and a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call chess pieces that have sex together?

Pawn stars.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you're concerned about your new partner's sexual history, and you don't want to catch genital warts, imagine you're playing chess, not craps.

So don't roll the dice. Check first, and then mate.

Why do you never see chess jokes ?

No one likes them, they always have a bad pawn

I taught my dog to play chess.

But he's pretty dumb. I manage to beat him two out of three times.

Why do British people love playing chess?

Coz no-one can kill their Queen.

Today, I managed to beat the chess world champion.

Turns out, his moves were useless against a bat.

It would be confusing to be a chess player in Australia when you have some money to deposit.

Check, mate

What do you do when you're weirdly attracted to a chess player, but can't make out whether they're a guy or a girl?

Check and mate

Why isn’t Michael Jackson a good chess player?

Because he’s dead

Which rockstar is the best chess player?

Bob Seger, because he’s always working on them knight moves.

How do Australian chess players send their food back?

"It's stale, mate."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

doping olympics [translated from an old Russian anecdote, 2007]

Good day! We are reporting live from our special Olympics. At our Olympics there's no doping control at all. Yes, you heard it right, sportsmen are NOT tested for doping. Absolutely. So...


- Finnish sportsman has jumped 27 meters. A very good result indeed for a chess player.

- 13 ...

You ever notice all the feathers left after a game of chess?

It's like only Toucan play at a time.

What do you call a 30 year old man that likes to play chess?

A GameBoy

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What do a chess player and a pornstar have in common?

Thinking long and hard

I traveled to London this year to take part in Europe's largest chess tournament and was destroyed in the first round by this European guy with an odd accent. I waited until the end of the game to ask him about where he was from and what kind of accent he had...

He responded: "Czech, mate!"

Did you hear about the fairy godmother that needed extra minutes to decide her first move in a chess game?

Wants pawn time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was the captain of the chess team in high school...

And as you might have guessed from that statement, I’m white and I’ve never dated a black woman. But if I ever do date a black woman, I know one thing:

I’ll have to make the first move.

A man from Prague and his friend were playing chess at a restaurant when an Australian waiter interrupts their game.

The waiter says, "have a check, mate. Your Czech mate is about to be in check mate... oh, and here's the cheque, mate."

Chess was invented in Australia

Why else would they say Checkmate?

I prayed to god to have the best chess skills in the world

Checkmate atheists

Why can't americans play chess?

They are missing two towers

What did the Bihari shout at the Frenchman when he won a game of chess?

Tu-Lose Tu-Lose

My Favorite Christmas Joke

It was early December, and a posh hotel was hosting a chess convention. The convention had rented out the hotel's entire separable ballroom, and the first day had, thus far, gone smoothly, with all but the quater-, semi-, and ultimate final rounds decided in the tournament. The time came for a break...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some say chess is better than sex

I say it depends on the position.

Wife talking to Husband.

Wife: Why is it that, in Chess the King can only move one space at a time, but Queens are free to move wherever they like.?


Husband: That's because the board looks like a kitchen floor.

A man in the gulag

He heard about the world chess championship match ended recently, but no one there knows the result. When a load of new prisoners arrived, he asked one of them:
- Do you know the result of the world champion match?
- Yes, I lost

I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

Why do islamic people dont play chess?

Because the woman can move freely

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a dog are playing chess

A woman walks in and says "holy crap, your dog can play chess?! That's amazing! What a brilliant dog! "


The man says "you think my dog is brilliant? Pffft. Hardly. He's pretty dumb, I've won 19 games out of the 20 we've played."

Poland and its neighboring country were playing chess

The neighboring country won with a Czechmate

Chess joke



How come the english never lose at chess?

Because >!the queen never dies!<



Why are americans bad at chess?

Because >!they lost two towers!<

Anti-vaxxers are like teaching a pigeon to play chess...

They don't know jack about it, they don't wanna hear you explain it, and in the end they knock down the pieces and strut around like they won the game.

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