I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'let's make this interesting'.

So we stopped playing chess.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was playing chess with a guy known to be an offensive player.

Within the first two minutes he called my mom a whore and slapped me with a wet paper towel.

Gary kasparov (chess master) was sitting next to me in a plane.

He wanted to play chess with me.
I was like " come on Gary, u r like this world champion player... U will beat me in less than 10 moves. "

Gary replied, " I'll play with my left hand"

" That sounds fair" I said. And we played.
I don't know how but Gary beat me in 7 moves. I was...

When someone has two queens in chess...

You know there's been cheating.


I wonder how many times this joke will go over people's heads.

What do Australian restaurants and chess have in common?

You finish both with a "Check mate!"

My Aussie friend doesn't understand Chess

He says check mate even when I have a way out

Chess is blasphemous

Bishops are not allowed to move in a cardinal direction.

A chess player once borrowed a million dollars to purchase special edition chess boards.

His friend asked him to pay the money back but he ran away. His friend got cancer and couldn't pay the bills.

Finally the chess player went to visit him, holding a piece of paper in his hand. He walked up to him, and extended his arm towards him, and said "Check, mate."

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

My childhood was like a game of chess.

My dad always beat me.

I’ve got a friend from Prague who is really good at chess

He’s my Czech mate.

Life is like a game of chess

I don't know how to play chess

Why did Saudi Arabia banned chess and called it a dangerous game.?

Because, The queen can roam freely wherever she wants to.

Over the years, I've realized that life is a lot like chess.

My friends are pros at it, but I'm still the idiot who thinks the knight is called a horse.

A group of chess fanatics were standing in a hotel lobby discussing their recent victories.

The manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ‘But why?’ they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “If there's one thing I can't stand, it's Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer"

What’s every SWAT team leader’s favourite chess move?

C4

There’s a chess convention at nice hotel

Afterwards all the players were hanging out in the lobby talking and bragging about who won. They were really loud and carrying on. The manager finally came out and had to ask them to leave. He said “I can’t have a bunch of chess nuts boasting in an open foyer”

The Christmas Chess Tournament

The chess tournament during the Christmas season was pretty well attended, and the players were having a great time. After each pair finished their game, they would go back over it, sometimes involving others and spectators to discuss moves made and moves that should have been made, and the winners ...

I knew I was playing chess with an Australian...

... he said "checkmate" and then left suddenly.

cHEsS

An Australian is playing chess. He says, "Check, mate."

Although the game just begun, the other player leaves thinking the game is over

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Arguing with an anti-vaxxer is like playing chess with a pigeon...

No matter how good at chess you are, the pigeon will just knock over pieces, shit on the board, and then fly back to its flock to claim victory.

What does an Australian dinner out and a chess match have in common?

The both end with someone saying Cheque Mate!

I was waiting for a girl to make a move on me, but it was taking her too long

Then I found out she was a Chess Player

I went to lunch with a champion chess player.

It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt...

I like to play chess with old bald men in the park

But it’s kind of hard to find 32 of them.

Why is America so bad at chess?

Cuz they already lost 2 towers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sex is like a chess game

1. The more you practice the better you play.
2. You need to watch your partner's every move.
3. The first game was with grandpa.

When I was young, I used to play chess with my father and he always beat me.

Probably because I always won in chess.

An Australian person went to a chess themed restaurant.

After finishing his meal, he asked the server, “could I get my check mate?”

Why can't people in the U.S. play chess?

Because their king is actually a pawn.

A computer beat me at chess

But I really got the better of it in boxing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A chess joke: What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?

Rooks can only move in straight lines, whereas bishops have sex with kids.

Two guys are playing chess.

Two guys are playing chess. After a very long time, one of them says:
"I am waiting for your move."
The other guy replies, angrily: "Why didn't you tell me this two hours ago?"

My children's chess addiction is getting out of hand.

But I have managed to keep them in check so far.

Finally got a job making chess pieces

I start on nights next week

Being the first to move in chess...

Is white privilege.

A Slovak beats his Czech friend at a game of chess.

Czechmate.

I hate it when I go first in chess

It makes me feel kinda racist

Putin been giving Trump lessons on how to play chess

But the only thing Donald could remember was that it's important to block The Queen.

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.

It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A friend from work asked if I wanted a chess tournament

I said yes but then he tried to sell me a sculpture of a woman’s tits

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and a dog are playing chess

A woman walks in and says "holy crap, your dog can play chess?! That's amazing! What a brilliant dog! "


The man says "you think my dog is brilliant? Pffft. Hardly. He's pretty dumb, I've won 19 games out of the 20 we've played."

What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say at the start of a game of chess?

I’ll be black

Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess.

But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

Why shouldn't you eat a chess sandwich?

It's stale, mate.

What's the similarity between chess and the world?

White has an advantage.

A man sees two people engaged in a game of Chess at the gym

The man asks the two: “Why are you two here?”


One of them replies: “Those bodybuilders over there said it was Chess day”

One from my chess teacher

"When a girl tells you you're going too far... she actually means you're coming too close."

Why will the south never know the area of a chess board.

It is black and white so they won't integrate

Anyone hear the one about the three legged chess player?

Some say he's always a step ahead of the competition.

I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week.

Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".

He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".

So I handed him the cake and said "check mate".

I hate playing chess with communists!

They're always stalin' for time..

At the Robot Exhibition: "Wow. What a fantastic chess robot you have!"

"Oh, this? This is not a chess robot. It's a 'throws all the pieces and flips the board' robot. We also taught it to play chess, so that in context flipping the board seems more human."

Why can't America play chess?

Because it's missing two towers.

From a kid in the local chess club

Kid: Do you know why bishops move diagonally?
Me: No, why?
Kid: Because catholic priests never go straight

What do you call it when all the pieces on the Chess Board go on Strike??

A Piece-ful Protest.

A chess player was travelling abroad for a tournament

He managed to find a room at a small hotel. Upon entering the room, he immediately knew something was wrong and briskly made his way back to reception.

"Is something wrong?" the receptionist asked, startled by the man's disgruntled demeanour.

The man exclaimed "I thought I paid for ro...

Why can the chess Queen move around as she wants?

Because the chess table looks like a kitchen floor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Which do you prefer, sex or chess?

Depends on the position.

A man walks into a bar and sees a man playing chess with his dog.

"Dear goodness! I've never seen such a thing in my life. That dog must be incredibly smart."
"Not really. He loses 9 out of every 10 games."

What chess piece is the best with kids?

The bishop

Where's the worst place to buy a chess set?

A pawn shop.

I was playing against my foreign European pal at a game of chess, and I won.

I beat him with a Czech mate.

My dog destroyed my chess set. I tried to replace the missing pieces...

but the pawn shop was closed.

They say a man's attractiveness is tied to his chess ability...

Unfortunately, I'm really bad at mating.

Life is a lot like chess

You've always got to be thinking two steps ahead.

And most people want to be white.

I was playing chess with my Australian friend

He moved his queen in front of my king and said "check, mate".


I replied and said, "you didn't win though?"


Confused he said, "mate, I know."

My wife makes love like a chess player.

Every twenty minutes, she moves.

Why did the chess player throw away his bread?

Because it was stalemate

How do chess players reproduce?

By check-mating.

Why can't Michael Jackson play chess?

Because he's dead.

What does eating in Australia and playing chess have in common?

They both usually end with "check mate"

When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.

Classic rook-y mistake.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two old timers were playing chess in the park. The first one says: "know what I did yesterday? I went to the girls..."

"At your old age?" Says the second one as he cuts him off. "How was it?" He asks in anticipation

"Much nicer than the boys"

Why didn't I play in the Woman's world chess championships?

Because I ran

Why does USA have hard time competing in chess tournaments?

They are missing two towers