The 98+ Best Chess Jokes

If you forget the rules of Chess don't worry...

... you're allowed to check

Why is the white bishop piece in chess the fastest?

Because it's on F1.

Life is like a game of chess

I don’t know how to play chess

I defeated a chess grand master in three moves.

I stood up; picked up a chair and hit him with it.

Why can’t Michael Jackson play chess?

He can’t decide which color to use

Why is the US bad at chess?

We have no kings, no queens, and we already lost 2 towers

Me and the knight in chess have a lot in common

Every time we move it results on an L

Made an Eastern European friend on a chess forum.

He was my Czech mate.

I had dinner with a chess master

IT TOOK HIM FOUR HOURS TO PASS THE FRICKING SALT

What is the most dangerous position in chess?

What is the favourite move of a chess player suffering from OCD?

*double-check*

Why does the Queen have more mobility in chess than the king?

Because the board looks like a kitchen floor

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. The man watched the game in astonishment for a while.

“I can hardly believe my eyes!” he said. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”

“He’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”

Why can’t the Uk and the USA play chess anymore?

Because one lost its queen and the other lost its two towers

What do you call a bunch of chess masters bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Arguing against an idiot is like playing chess against a pigeon

You strategically think of all the moves and you have the intelligence to win, but they will just shit on all the pieces and then strut around as if they'd won

I Want to Become a Famous Chess Player.

But I've got too much of a checkered past to do it.

Did you know the word “queen” first referred to the chess piece before the monarchy?

The royals adopted it, since a queen also needs the help of a bishop and a horse to mate.

Why is chess so difficult for British people?

Cause they just lost the queen.

I defeated our local chess champion in less than three moves ...

Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off.

Why do "nice guys" suck at Chess

They never protect the king, always the queen

Why did the chess master throw up on the boat?

He got c6.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

I did it the other knight...

And I got rooked.

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Catholic school is like a game of chess.

You don’t want to end up with the bishop in your ass.

My life is a lot like chess.

I'm really bad at it.

What do Zoologists and Chess players both get excited over?

Mating patterns

Platonic friendships are like chess. They're fun, engaging, and can last a long time...

but someone's always wondering "how many moves until mate?"

What did the chess master say before nutting

Mate in one

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Chess Champion

The reporter asked the reigning chess grandmaster "What do you do before your games ?"

"Well", said the champ, "I never have sex on the night before a big match"

"Does that help you concentrate? "

"I'm not sure" he sighed "I don't have sex any other night either".

While my roommate was sleeping, I dumped chess pieces on his head.

You should have seen the rook on his face.

I'm friends with a Chess grandmaster from Prague, but I can't pronounce his name

Is it OK if I just call him a Czech mate?

A computer once beat me at chess.

But it was no match for me at kickboxing.

-Credit to Emo Phillips

What's the most explosive opening in chess?

My girlfriend asked for something long and hard for her birthday.

So I got her a Chess set.

What does an Australian chess player say when they go to a restaurant?

Check, mate

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I beat a chess grandmaster in only three moves

Turns out he's pretty shit at karate.

Why is it generally a bad idea to marry chess pieces?

Well many would think of it as a Rook-ie mistake

The Chess Grand Master was embarrassed when they found out he used to play a much simpler game…

…that’s right, he had a “checkered past.”

Why do chess masters never get STDs?

Because they always check, mate.

Why did the Hindu god Vishnu keep losing at chess?

Because every time he made a move, Shiva would destroy the board!

Why can't dinosaurs play chess?

Cuz they're all dead.

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Sex is like Chess

Every move you can think of already got a name

The world’s fastest-selling chess book

Do you know what was the world’s fastest-selling chess book?

It was wrapped in simple brown paper and called: "Recently translated from the original French: twenty-six new mating positions".

My computer always wins when we play chess

But it's no match for me in kick-boxing.

My girlfriend told me if I use any more chess terminology, she'll break up with me

"Check," I said.

She moved out the next day.

"Checkmate," I said.

My skoda car is really good at chess...

It's czech mate

A robot broke a kids finger during a chess tournament.

Still processing it.

What's a chess player's favorite country?

Czech Republic

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off.

“Because,” he said “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

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Why do Australians, when they go out to dinner, always talk about chess?

Seriously! They always ask for the checkmate, and it’s starting to piss me off.

Why can chess Bishops only more diagonally?

Because north, south, east and west are Cardinal directions.

You can never enjoy a game of Chess against an Australian.

Everytime he checks, you'll think he's won the game.

Why is it so hard to win a chess match against an Australian?

Because the moment they attack your king, it's a check, mate!

I was playing chess and my opponent opened with 1. Nf3.

I wasn't reti for that.

Never buy a chess set from France

You’ll never find the top of the Queen

Two guys are playing chess.

One says to the other, "How about we make this more interesting?"

So they stop playing chess.

Two Chess Grandmasters sit down for a Drink

They get a little tipsy, and their tongues loosen up.

Charles: “My wife has been awfully quiet recently. I think she may be having an affair.”

Digory: “...”

Charles: “Well come on man, don’t be so glum.”

Digory: “Charles, I have a confession about my last mate.”

Ch...

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let's make things interesting."

So we stopped playing chess.

A british person plays chess with an american,

The british person always wins. Why?

Their queen never dies.

African Grey Parrots are famously intelligent, but studies have shown that they consistently lose chess matches against ravens, jackdaws, and other corvids.

Said one researcher, "They just have trouble weighing the crows and pawns."

Haven't played chess in a year

Did they nerf the queen yet?

A dumb man is seated next to the world chess champion in a flight.

And the world champion asks the dumb fellow if he’d like to play a game of chess to pass the time.

The dumb fellow politely denies saying he can’t compete with a world champion.

The world master insists. But the guy refuses.

The world master proposes to level the field by promis...

Chess is banned under Islam

They hate that the queen moves freely.

Chess, the singing parrot

This guy goes into a pet shop looking for a bird. The shopkeeper brings him to a cage and tells him, “You won’t believe what this parrot Chess can do. He’s wonderfully talented, and his songs will blow your mind. Only $10,000.”

“That’s pretty steep,” he replies. “What’s so amazing about these...

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.

It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .

A man is playing chess with a horse in the park.

A man is playing chess with a horse in the park.

A passer-by stops and watches them amazed. After a while ha says to the man: "Wow, your horse is playing chess? It must be really smart."

The man replies: "You call it smart? He hasn't won for like twelve games straight."

Two men are playing chess in Australia

One guy asks "What's your ethnicity?"

As he knocks over the king, the other guy responds "Czech, mate"

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

Bob Seger sits in a park with a tired-eyed old man. He's learning how to play chess.

After going over the layout and setup of the board, the old man begins a lesson on to the movement of the individual pieces.

Queens move in all directions, any distance. Kings are the same but with only one space. He didn't understand the knight, though.

Two in one direction, then ...

I like to play chess with old men in the park

although it’s hard to find 32 of them

Why do you never see chess jokes ?

No one likes them, they always have a bad pawn

Today I was playing chess and blundered a major piece

Rookie mistake

What's Bin Laden's favorite chess opening?

Pwn to C4

Why do dyslexic chess players have such fresh breath?

Because they're so good at finding Tic Tacs.

2 Psychics are playing a game of chess...

They look at the board and then firmly shake their hands and nod and say “Good Game!”
and leave.

How do chess players stay in shape?

They lift rooks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you're concerned about your new partner's sexual history, and you don't want to catch genital warts, imagine you're playing chess, not craps.

So don't roll the dice. Check first, and then mate.

Australian Grandmaster wins big chess tournament, "so would you like the prize money as cash or..?" "check, mate"

Hey so I won a college chess tournament and are about to go into an Instagram live video with a talkative person(the host,lady) and the college chess coach "Dan" (friend of mine,older) . So what are some jokes I can do?

I'm thinking of..

Host:"so you've played a lot of chess huh?"
...

A chess grandmaster blundered his rook by moving it from the E file to the F file instead of the G file

What a rook-e mistake!!!

Today, I managed to beat the chess world champion.

Turns out, his moves were useless against a bat.

A chess champion and an Australian man were playing a game of chess at a fancy restaurant.

(My dad told me this one, not sure if it’s OG but hey it’s worth a shot)

A chess master wanted to go back to playing casual matches, he also invited his old friend who was from Australia to play at a local restaurant.

The man is surprised his friend is holding out amazingly well, and a...

Why isn’t Michael Jackson a good chess player?

Because he’s dead

I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call chess pieces that have sex together?

Pawn stars.

I traveled to London this year to take part in Europe's largest chess tournament and was destroyed in the first round by this European guy with an odd accent. I waited until the end of the game to ask him about where he was from and what kind of accent he had...

He responded: "Czech, mate!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a chess player and a pornstar have in common?

Thinking long and hard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a dog are playing chess

A woman walks in and says "holy crap, your dog can play chess?! That's amazing! What a brilliant dog! "

The man says "you think my dog is brilliant? Pffft. Hardly. He's pretty dumb, I've won 19 games out of the 20 we've played."

It would be confusing to be a chess player in Australia when you have some money to deposit.

Check, mate

What do you do when you're weirdly attracted to a chess player, but can't make out whether they're a guy or a girl?

Check and mate

Why can't people in the U.S. play chess?

Because their king is actually a pawn.

I prayed to god to have the best chess skills in the world

Checkmate atheists

Why do British people love playing chess?

Coz no-one can kill their Queen.

I went to lunch with a champion chess player.

It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt...

When someone has two queens in chess...

You know there's been cheating.

I wonder how many times this joke will go over people's heads.

Why do islamic people dont play chess?

Because the woman can move freely

You ever notice all the feathers left after a game of chess?

It's like only Toucan play at a time.

Chess joke

How come the english never lose at chess?

Because >!the queen never dies!<

Why are americans bad at chess?

Because >!they lost two towers!<

Anti-vaxxers are like teaching a pigeon to play chess...

They don't know jack about it, they don't wanna hear you explain it, and in the end they knock down the pieces and strut around like they won the game.

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