If you forget the rules of Chess don't worry...

... you're allowed to check

My computer beat me at chess.

But I beat it at kick boxing.

For Me, Chess is a Lot Like Tinder

I know a few openings, but continually struggle to put myself into mating positions

Why was Michael Jackson bad at chess?

He couldn't decide if he was black or white.

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.

Where do you get more chess pieces?

at the pawn shop!

What's Bin Laden's favorite chess opening?

Pwn to C4

Today I was playing chess and blundered a major piece

Rookie mistake

I defeated a chess grand master in three moves.

I stood up; picked up a chair and hit him with it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This one is for my chess friends...

Two chess masters are friends for many years and one of them dies.

After a week he shows up in the others dream and he tells him that he has news, good ones and bad ones.

The guy is ecstatic about seeing his friend, and asks what the news were.

He answers: It is wonderful up he...

Why can't a British person ever lose a chess game?

Their Queen never dies.

I have a European friend who I play chess with

Or as I like to call him, my Czech mate

Why did the chess grandmaster go to Prague?

To see his Czech mate

I had dinner once with a Chess Grand Master in a restaurant with checked tablecloths..

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

Why is the white bishop piece in chess the fastest?

Because it's on F1.

I taught my dog to play chess.

But he's pretty dumb. I manage to beat him two out of three times.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Is chess better than sex?"

It depends on the position.

Why do dyslexic chess players have such fresh breath?

Because they're so good at finding Tic Tacs.

Why do you never see chess jokes ?

No one likes them, they always have a bad pawn

2 Psychics are playing a game of chess...

They look at the board and then firmly shake their hands and nod and say “Good Game!”
and leave.

I've recently started to learn about the history of chess boards

Seems they have quite the checkered past.

What did the Bihari shout at the Frenchman when he won a game of chess?

Tu-Lose Tu-Lose

Today, I managed to beat the chess world champion.

Turns out, his moves were useless against a bat.

New York can't play chess

They're missing two towers

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

‘But why?’ they asked, as they moved off.

“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer”

Did you hear about the fairy godmother that needed extra minutes to decide her first move in a chess game?

Wants pawn time.

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If you're concerned about your new partner's sexual history, and you don't want to catch genital warts, imagine you're playing chess, not craps.

So don't roll the dice. Check first, and then mate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was the captain of the chess team in high school...

And as you might have guessed from that statement, I’m white and I’ve never dated a black woman. But if I ever do date a black woman, I know one thing:

I’ll have to make the first move.

I was playing chess with my friend and he said "Let's make this interesting"

So we stopped playing

Two men are playing chess in Australia

One guy asks "What's your ethnicity?"

As he knocks over the king, the other guy responds "Czech, mate"

Bob Seger sits in a park with a tired-eyed old man. He's learning how to play chess.

After going over the layout and setup of the board, the old man begins a lesson on to the movement of the individual pieces.

Queens move in all directions, any distance. Kings are the same but with only one space. He didn't understand the knight, though.

Two in one direction, then ...

Two prisoners are talking in a Soviet gulag...

One says: "We're really cut off from the news here. For instance, I never found out the result of the Fischer-Spassky chess match."
The other one replies: "Oh, I lost."

Chess was invented in Australia

Why else would they say Checkmate?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do chess players get laid?

*They have sex on the rooks*

I'll see myself out

What do you call a 30 year old man that likes to play chess?

A GameBoy

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What do a chess player and a pornstar have in common?

Thinking long and hard

I like to play chess with old men in the park

although it’s hard to find 32 of them

Which rockstar is the best chess player?

Bob Seger, because he’s always working on them knight moves.

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their wins in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

My laptop beat me at chess

I guess I'm just really bad at chess

I bet y'all were expecting me to beat it at kickboxing.

Why is it so hard for an american to win a game of chess?

They already lost both of their towers

Chess is a very progressive game...

Because if the soldier gets to the enemy's territory, his reward is getting to marry the king.

My girlfriend told me if I use any more chess terminology, she'll break up with me

"Check," I said.

She moved out the next day.

"Checkmate," I said.

I was in my hotel lobby, and I heard two chess Masters bragging about past wins.

They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

( Credit to Thomas Sanders, this made me laugh, I thought other people should see it. )

I just had lunch with a champion chess player

Took her 8 minutes to pass the salt.

Why do islamic people dont play chess?

Because the woman can move freely

A dumb man is seated next to the world chess champion in a flight.

And the world champion asks the dumb fellow if he’d like to play a game of chess to pass the time.

The dumb fellow politely denies saying he can’t compete with a world champion.

The world master insists. But the guy refuses.

The world master proposes to level the field by promis...

An Australian goes to a chess tournament

When he was about to lose his first game, his opponent looked up, smiled and said: *checkmate*.

The Australian replied back in confusion: *But mate.. I didn't order anything!*

Chess is banned under Islam

They hate that the queen moves freely.

What do you do when you're weirdly attracted to a chess player, but can't make out whether they're a guy or a girl?

Check and mate

Anti-vaxxers are like teaching a pigeon to play chess...

They don't know jack about it, they don't wanna hear you explain it, and in the end they knock down the pieces and strut around like they won the game.

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4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play.

The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says “I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, say...

Poland and its neighboring country were playing chess

The neighboring country won with a Czechmate

I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

A man from Prague and his friend were playing chess at a restaurant when an Australian waiter interrupts their game.

The waiter says, "have a check, mate. Your Czech mate is about to be in check mate... oh, and here's the cheque, mate."

An Australian enters a Chess competition

To pay for admission, he writes a check to the organizers. He walks up to a man at the entrance accepting checks. The man at the entrance says "Do you have your check, mate?" To which the Australian responds "Checkmate? I haven't even started a round"

I traveled to London this year to take part in Europe's largest chess tournament and was destroyed in the first round by this European guy with an odd accent. I waited until the end of the game to ask him about where he was from and what kind of accent he had...

He responded: "Czech, mate!"

How do Australian chess players send their food back?

"It's stale, mate."

It would be confusing to be a chess player in Australia when you have some money to deposit.

Check, mate

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An international chess tournament is being held in a swank hotel in New York.

However, due to a conflicting convention the tables have been set up in the lobby. Everyone who is anyone in the world of chess is there. After a grueling 4 hours of chess, there is still no winner. In the lobby, the players get into a big argument about who is the brightest, the fastest, and the be...

The war was on, both sides prepared very well

There were spectators; Some said that white is better while the other said that black is better. You aren't allowed to kill soldiers of your own color, soldiers who left from their home aren't allowed to come back. The war is fought without technology but animals. Though some people still cheat with...

What did the Slovak chess player say when he won the match?

Czech-mate.

A chess champion and an Australian man were playing a game of chess at a fancy restaurant.

(My dad told me this one, not sure if it’s OG but hey it’s worth a shot)

A chess master wanted to go back to playing casual matches, he also invited his old friend who was from Australia to play at a local restaurant.

The man is surprised his friend is holding out amazingly well, and a...

Chess Joke

You know chess is like a mirror image of real life in a lot of ways. For instance the person playing as black doesn't always lose, but they generally have to work a lot harder.

Chess joke



How come the english never lose at chess?

Because >!the queen never dies!<



Why are americans bad at chess?

Because >!they lost two towers!<

Have you heard of the chess board challenge?

Its where you segregate the whites and the blacks and make the whites start a war

Why can you never play chess with an Australian?

You can never know if it’s really checkmate

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog.

The man watched the game in astonishment for a while.


“I can hardly believe my eyes!” he said. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”


“He’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”

Why isn’t Michael Jackson a good chess player?

Because he’s dead

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.

It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .

So I beat my son playing chess the other day.

Oddly the CPS took him away.

Dave and his Bob-Ross-Obsessed friend were playing chess.

Dave made a move, and immediately regretted it.

Dave went "whelp, that was a mistake."

His friend immediately shot back "It wasn't a mistake, just a happy accident."


Dave's brother in the next room over heard and replied, "Stop talking about me!"




(My best ...

When someone has two queens in chess...

You know there's been cheating.


I wonder how many times this joke will go over people's heads.

My friend is a chess master from the Soviet block

No really he's my Czech mate

I prayed to god to have the best chess skills in the world

Checkmate atheists

Why did the chess player get tense in a diner?

Because the waiter said "Check".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Kasparov beat Carlsen I cheered so loud I nearly lost my voice.

Now I’m a hoarse chess nut.

Why can't people in the U.S. play chess?

Because their king is actually a pawn.

Gary kasparov (chess master) was sitting next to me in a plane.

He wanted to play chess with me.
I was like " come on Gary, u r like this world champion player... U will beat me in less than 10 moves. "

Gary replied, " I'll play with my left hand"

" That sounds fair" I said. And we played.
I don't know how but Gary beat me in 7 moves. I was...

I once bought a cake in the shape of a chess set

When I tasted it, it was terrible, so I took it back to the store and said "This is stale mate!!"

The shopkeeper said "Are you sure??"

I said "I'm sure, if you don't believe me, then check mate!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man reportedly knocked over a chess table during a tournament using his penis.

People are saying it was a real dick move.

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

America is like a game of chess.

Black always goes second.

Chess is blasphemous

Bishops are not allowed to move in a cardinal direction.

An Australian visits a chess-themed restaurant

Once he finishes, he calls to his waiter,
"Checkmate."

I was playing chess with my friend from Czechoslovakia, Jakub

He won by putting me in a czechmate

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a dog are playing chess

A woman walks in and says "holy crap, your dog can play chess?! That's amazing! What a brilliant dog! "


The man says "you think my dog is brilliant? Pffft. Hardly. He's pretty dumb, I've won 19 games out of the 20 we've played."

A person from Czechoslovakia falls in love with a chess player

It’s a Czechmate!

What does an Australian dinner out and a chess match have in common?

The both end with someone saying Cheque Mate!

An Australian is losing badly against a Czechoslovakian in a chess championship match and asks him what country he is from.

The Czechoslovakian wins and replies:
“Czech, mate.”

Being the first to move in chess...

Is white privilege.

I got arrested for playing chess in the street

I said: “it’s because I’m black isn’t it?”

Saw this on r/cursedcomments

America is so bad at chess they lost 2 towers in one move

So I was in a hostel playing chess with a European guy when an Aussie comes up and says...

"There's no way you'll win."

"Why?"

"Because he's Czech, mate."

My last trip to Europe reminded me how bad I was at chess

I was beaten by a Czech mate

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