If you forget the rules of Chess don't worry...

... you're allowed to check

Why is the white bishop piece in chess the fastest?

Because it's on F1.

I got a job at a chess piece factory recently...

...I'm on the knight shift next week.

Why was Michael Jackson terrible at chess?

He couldn't decide if he was black or white.

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"Is chess better than sex?"

It depends on the position.

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Catholic school is like a game of chess.

You don’t want to end up with the bishop in your ass.

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Arguing against an idiot is like playing chess against a pigeon

You strategically think of all the moves and you have the intelligence to win, but they will just shit on all the pieces and then strut around as if they'd won

You can never enjoy a game of Chess against an Australian.

Everytime he checks, you'll think he's won the game.

Two Chess Grandmasters sit down for a Drink

They get a little tipsy, and their tongues loosen up.

Charles: “My wife has been awfully quiet recently. I think she may be having an affair.”

Digory: “...”

Charles: “Well come on man, don’t be so glum.”

Digory: “Charles, I have a confession about my last mate.”

Ch...

While my roommate was sleeping, I dumped chess pieces on his head.

You should have seen the rook on his face.

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I beat a chess grandmaster in only three moves

Turns out he's pretty shit at karate.

Why does the Queen have more mobility in chess than the king?

Because the board looks like a kitchen floor

For me, chess is a lot like Tinder...

I know a few openings, but struggle to get into mating positions

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'.

So we stopped playing chess.

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. The man watched the game in astonishment for a while.

“I can hardly believe my eyes!” he said. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”

“He’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”

I defeated a chess grand master in three moves.

I stood up; picked up a chair and hit him with it.

I had dinner with a chess master

IT TOOK HIM FOUR HOURS TO PASS THE FRICKING SALT

What do you call adult-only Chess videos?

Pawn

A british person plays chess with an american,

The british person always wins. Why?


Their queen never dies.

A man is playing chess with a horse in the park.

A man is playing chess with a horse in the park.

A passer-by stops and watches them amazed. After a while ha says to the man: "Wow, your horse is playing chess? It must be really smart."

The man replies: "You call it smart? He hasn't won for like twelve games straight."

I Want to Become a Famous Chess Player.

But I've got too much of a checkered past to do it.

Haven't played chess in a year

Did they nerf the queen yet?

A computer once beat me at chess,

but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

What do Australians say when they play chess?

Check, mate!

Why doesn’t America want to play Chess with the UK?

They are down two towers already and the UK has a unkillable queen

At the weekend, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming increasingly harder..

..to find exactly 32 of them.

I met some chess players in the hotel lobby bragging about how good they were

It was chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Never buy a chess set from France

You’ll never find the top of the Queen

Why is the US bad at chess?

We have no kings, no queens, and we already lost 2 towers

A chess grandmaster blundered his rook by moving it from the E file to the F file instead of the G file

What a rook-e mistake!!!

I have a European friend who I play chess with

Or as I like to call him, my Czech mate

What's Bin Laden's favorite chess opening?

Pwn to C4

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This one is for my chess friends...

Two chess masters are friends for many years and one of them dies.

After a week he shows up in the others dream and he tells him that he has news, good ones and bad ones.

The guy is ecstatic about seeing his friend, and asks what the news were.

He answers: It is wonderful up he...

After the chess tournament in Australia was over, the champion still walked away empty-handed.

When the judges went to hand him the prize, they said "Here's your check, mate."

2 Psychics are playing a game of chess...

They look at the board and then firmly shake their hands and nod and say “Good Game!”
and leave.

Today I was playing chess and blundered a major piece

Rookie mistake

Chess is banned under Islam

They hate that the queen moves freely.

Why do British people love playing chess?

Coz no-one can kill their Queen.

Why do you never see chess jokes ?

No one likes them, they always have a bad pawn

My wife and I do a lot of mating.

I think we may have a chess addiction.

Two men are playing chess in Australia

One guy asks "What's your ethnicity?"

As he knocks over the king, the other guy responds "Czech, mate"

Why do dyslexic chess players have such fresh breath?

Because they're so good at finding Tic Tacs.

I taught my dog to play chess.

But he's pretty dumb. I manage to beat him two out of three times.

I just had lunch with a champion chess player

Took her 8 minutes to pass the salt.

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What do you call chess pieces that have sex together?

Pawn stars.

You ever notice all the feathers left after a game of chess?

It's like only Toucan play at a time.

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If you're concerned about your new partner's sexual history, and you don't want to catch genital warts, imagine you're playing chess, not craps.

So don't roll the dice. Check first, and then mate.

Why did the chess grandmaster go to Prague?

To see his Czech mate

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother was pissed at me when he found out I mated his wife

He bet $100 she would beat me in a game of chess.

I've recently started to learn about the history of chess boards

Seems they have quite the checkered past.

A dumb man is seated next to the world chess champion in a flight.

And the world champion asks the dumb fellow if he’d like to play a game of chess to pass the time.

The dumb fellow politely denies saying he can’t compete with a world champion.

The world master insists. But the guy refuses.

The world master proposes to level the field by promis...

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories

After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Did you hear about the fairy godmother that needed extra minutes to decide her first move in a chess game?

Wants pawn time.

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What do a chess player and a pornstar have in common?

Thinking long and hard

Today, I managed to beat the chess world champion.

Turns out, his moves were useless against a bat.

Chess was invented in Australia

Why else would they say Checkmate?

How do Australian chess players send their food back?

"It's stale, mate."

My girlfriend told me if I use any more chess terminology, she'll break up with me

"Check," I said.

She moved out the next day.

"Checkmate," I said.

Bob Seger sits in a park with a tired-eyed old man. He's learning how to play chess.

After going over the layout and setup of the board, the old man begins a lesson on to the movement of the individual pieces.

Queens move in all directions, any distance. Kings are the same but with only one space. He didn't understand the knight, though.

Two in one direction, then ...

What do you call a 30 year old man that likes to play chess?

A GameBoy

What did the Bihari shout at the Frenchman when he won a game of chess?

Tu-Lose Tu-Lose

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I was the captain of the chess team in high school...

And as you might have guessed from that statement, I’m white and I’ve never dated a black woman. But if I ever do date a black woman, I know one thing:

I’ll have to make the first move.

Pep Guardiola 4D chess

Journalists “so what are your plans against Lyon “

Pep “we will put them in a difficult situation”

Journalists “how”

Pep “we will make them play Bayern Munich”

A man from Prague and his friend were playing chess at a restaurant when an Australian waiter interrupts their game.

The waiter says, "have a check, mate. Your Czech mate is about to be in check mate... oh, and here's the cheque, mate."

Which rockstar is the best chess player?

Bob Seger, because he’s always working on them knight moves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play. The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says

“I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, says “Sorry champ, but the actual hardest sport to play is golf. Every swing o...

A chess champion and an Australian man were playing a game of chess at a fancy restaurant.

(My dad told me this one, not sure if it’s OG but hey it’s worth a shot)

A chess master wanted to go back to playing casual matches, he also invited his old friend who was from Australia to play at a local restaurant.

The man is surprised his friend is holding out amazingly well, and a...

I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

Why do islamic people dont play chess?

Because the woman can move freely

I traveled to London this year to take part in Europe's largest chess tournament and was destroyed in the first round by this European guy with an odd accent. I waited until the end of the game to ask him about where he was from and what kind of accent he had...

He responded: "Czech, mate!"

An Australian goes to a chess tournament

When he was about to lose his first game, his opponent looked up, smiled and said: *checkmate*.

The Australian replied back in confusion: *But mate.. I didn't order anything!*

What do you do when you're weirdly attracted to a chess player, but can't make out whether they're a guy or a girl?

Check and mate

It would be confusing to be a chess player in Australia when you have some money to deposit.

Check, mate

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.

It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .

Why isn’t Michael Jackson a good chess player?

Because he’s dead

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

I was in my hotel lobby, and I heard two chess Masters bragging about past wins.

They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

( Credit to Thomas Sanders, this made me laugh, I thought other people should see it. )

Poland and its neighboring country were playing chess

The neighboring country won with a Czechmate

I prayed to god to have the best chess skills in the world

Checkmate atheists

An Australian enters a Chess competition

To pay for admission, he writes a check to the organizers. He walks up to a man at the entrance accepting checks. The man at the entrance says "Do you have your check, mate?" To which the Australian responds "Checkmate? I haven't even started a round"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An international chess tournament is being held in a swank hotel in New York.

However, due to a conflicting convention the tables have been set up in the lobby. Everyone who is anyone in the world of chess is there. After a grueling 4 hours of chess, there is still no winner. In the lobby, the players get into a big argument about who is the brightest, the fastest, and the be...

What did the Slovak chess player say when he won the match?

Czech-mate.

Why can you never play chess with an Australian?

You can never know if it’s really checkmate

Two prisoners are talking in a Soviet gulag...

One says: "We're really cut off from the news here. For instance, I never found out the result of the Fischer-Spassky chess match."
The other one replies: "Oh, I lost."

Anti-vaxxers are like teaching a pigeon to play chess...

They don't know jack about it, they don't wanna hear you explain it, and in the end they knock down the pieces and strut around like they won the game.

Have you heard of the chess board challenge?

Its where you segregate the whites and the blacks and make the whites start a war

When someone has two queens in chess...

You know there's been cheating.


I wonder how many times this joke will go over people's heads.

Chess joke



How come the english never lose at chess?

Because >!the queen never dies!<



Why are americans bad at chess?

Because >!they lost two towers!<

Why did the chess player get tense in a diner?

Because the waiter said "Check".

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