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Chess Jokes

If you forget the rules of Chess don't worry...

... you're allowed to check
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I defeated a chess grand master in three moves.

I stood up; picked up a chair and hit him with it.
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Why is the white bishop piece in chess the fastest?

Because it's on F1.
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Why is chess so difficult for British people?

Cause they just lost the queen.
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Me and the knight in chess have a lot in common

Every time we move it results on an L
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What is the most dangerous position in chess?

C4
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Why is the US bad at chess?

We have no kings, no queens, and we already lost 2 towers
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Why can’t the Uk and the USA play chess anymore?

Because one lost its queen and the other lost its two towers
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Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.
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Why does the Queen have more mobility in chess than the king?

Because the board looks like a kitchen floor
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I had dinner with a chess master

IT TOOK HIM FOUR HOURS TO PASS THE FRICKING SALT
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My life is a lot like chess.

I'm really bad at it.
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I Want to Become a Famous Chess Player.

But I've got too much of a checkered past to do it.
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Chess is banned under Islam

They hate that the queen moves freely.
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Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
Most importantly, there's only one Queen.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chess Champion

The reporter asked the reigning chess grandmaster "What do you do before your games ?"

"Well", said the champ, "I never have sex on the night before a big match"

"Does that help you concentrate? "

"I'm not sure" he sighed "I don't have sex any other night either".

While my roommate was sleeping, I dumped chess pieces on his head.

You should have seen the rook on his face.
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Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess.

But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.
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-I was playing chess with my dog last night.

-That dog must be exceptionally brilliant!

-I don't know about that, I usually win.
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I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.

It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .
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Sex is like Chess

Every move you can think of already got a name

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Arguing against an idiot is like playing chess against a pigeon

You strategically think of all the moves and you have the intelligence to win, but they will just shit on all the pieces and then strut around as if they'd won

You can never enjoy a game of Chess against an Australian.

Everytime he checks, you'll think he's won the game.
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What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?

They both end with a check mate
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Why are chess players good in bed?

They can find up to 8 G spots for their queen.

Two guys are playing chess.

One says to the other, "How about we make this more interesting?"

So they stop playing chess.
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I beat a chess grandmaster in only three moves

Turns out he's pretty shit at karate.

I'm friends with a Chess grandmaster from Prague, but I can't pronounce his name

Is it OK if I just call him a Czech mate?
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

I did it the other knight...

And I got rooked.
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Life is like chess...

We can't all be white.
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Why can chess Bishops only more diagonally?

Because north, south, east and west are Cardinal directions.
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Your father in law is so bad at chess...

he traded a queen for a horse.
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Why do "nice guys" suck at Chess

They never protect the king, always the queen
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Catholic school is like a game of chess.

You don’t want to end up with the bishop in your ass.

I've never been good at chess.

Unlike my Czech mate.
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What does an American say when he wins at chess?

Checkbuddy
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When George Benson plays chess and manages to advance his pawn to the end of the board, why doesn't he request another queen?

Because he wants you to give him the knight.
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Why can't dinosaurs play chess?

Cuz they're all dead.
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Did you know Sinatra was a huge chess fan?

He sang one of his most famous songs about it...

The Way You Rook to Knight.
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I just finished the book “101 mating positions”, and I was really disappointed.

Turns out—-it’s a book about chess.
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Why did the chess master throw up on the boat?

He got c6.
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Chess Joke

You know chess is like a mirror image of real life in a lot of ways. For instance the person playing as black doesn't always lose, but they generally have to work a lot harder.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel.

They were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories when the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.

''Because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
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What do Zoologists and Chess players both get excited over?

Mating patterns
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Why do chess players search for love in Central Europe?

They prefer Czech mates
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Why do chess masters never get STDs?

Because they always check, mate.
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Platonic friendships are like chess. They're fun, engaging, and can last a long time...

but someone's always wondering "how many moves until mate?"
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A man and a dog are playing chess

A woman walks in and says "holy crap, your dog can play chess?! That's amazing! What a brilliant dog! "


The man says "you think my dog is brilliant? Pffft. Hardly. He's pretty dumb, I've won 19 games out of the 20 we've played."

Why was Michael Jackson bad at chess?

He couldn't decide if he was black or white.
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A chess champion and an Australian man were playing a game of chess at a fancy restaurant.

(My dad told me this one, not sure if it’s OG but hey it’s worth a shot)

A chess master wanted to go back to playing casual matches, he also invited his old friend who was from Australia to play at a local restaurant.

The man is surprised his friend is holding out amazingly well, and a...
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Why is it generally a bad idea to marry chess pieces?

Well many would think of it as a Rook-ie mistake
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Never buy a chess set from France

You’ll never find the top of the Queen
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Why was Pope Ratzinger bad at chess?

Because he only knew how to move the bishops around.
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Yesterday my computer beat me in a chess game.

It’s still no match for me at kickboxing though.
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Did you know the word “queen” first referred to the chess piece before the monarchy?

The royals adopted it, since a queen also needs the help of a bishop and a horse to mate.
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What is it called when two chess grandmasters have sex in Prague?

Czechmate.

I married a European chess master.

He's my Czech mate.
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Two Chess Grandmasters sit down for a Drink

They get a little tipsy, and their tongues loosen up.

Charles: “My wife has been awfully quiet recently. I think she may be having an affair.”

Digory: “...”

Charles: “Well come on man, don’t be so glum.”

Digory: “Charles, I have a confession about my last mate.”

Ch...
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The world’s fastest-selling chess book

Do you know what was the world’s fastest-selling chess book?

It was wrapped in simple brown paper and called: "Recently translated from the original French: twenty-six new mating positions".
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A british person plays chess with an american,

The british person always wins. Why?


Their queen never dies.
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My computer always wins when we play chess

But it's no match for me in kick-boxing.
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Haven't played chess in a year

Did they nerf the queen yet?
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What's Bin Laden's favorite chess opening?

Pwn to C4
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I was playing chess and my opponent opened with 1. Nf3.

I wasn't reti for that.
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I had a lucky chess board when i was a kid

Even thought i never considered myself a great chess player i always seemed to be winning every game i played on that board. It was my lucky chess board. But what was really special about thay board was where it was produced. It was, czech made.
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Two men are playing chess in Australia

One guy asks "What's your ethnicity?"

As he knocks over the king, the other guy responds "Czech, mate"
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Where do you get more chess pieces?

at the pawn shop!
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I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.
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A robot broke a kids finger during a chess tournament.

Still processing it.
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Chess, the singing parrot

This guy goes into a pet shop looking for a bird. The shopkeeper brings him to a cage and tells him, “You won’t believe what this parrot Chess can do. He’s wonderfully talented, and his songs will blow your mind. Only $10,000.”

“That’s pretty steep,” he replies. “What’s so amazing about these...
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What do you call it when you let your opponent attack both your king and queen in chess?

A royal fork-up
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Why can't people in the U.S. play chess?

Because their king is actually a pawn.
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How do chess players stay in shape?

They lift rooks.
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How did the Australian pay for his new chess set?

Cheque, mate.
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When someone has two queens in chess...

You know there's been cheating.


I wonder how many times this joke will go over people's heads.
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I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week.

Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".

He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".

So I handed him the cake and said "check mate".
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Why do you never see chess jokes ?

No one likes them, they always have a bad pawn
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Chess was invented in Australia

Why else would they say Checkmate?
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Australians, when they go out to dinner, always talk about chess?

Seriously! They always ask for the checkmate, and it’s starting to piss me off.

Chess is blasphemous

Bishops are not allowed to move in a cardinal direction.
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I was playing chess with my Australian friend

He moved his queen in front of my king and said "check, mate".


I replied and said, "you didn't win though?"


Confused he said, "mate, I know."
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I went to lunch with a champion chess player.

It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt...
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A chess player once borrowed a million dollars to purchase special edition chess boards.

His friend asked him to pay the money back but he ran away. His friend got cancer and couldn't pay the bills.

Finally the chess player went to visit him, holding a piece of paper in his hand. He walked up to him, and extended his arm towards him, and said "Check, mate."
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I prayed to god to have the best chess skills in the world

Checkmate atheists
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I met some chess players in the hotel lobby bragging about how good they were

It was chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
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Why do British people love playing chess?

Coz no-one can kill their Queen.
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Two guys are playing chess.

Two guys are playing chess. After a very long time, one of them says:
"I am waiting for your move."
The other guy replies, angrily: "Why didn't you tell me this two hours ago?"
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Chess is a very progressive game...

Because if the soldier gets to the enemy's territory, his reward is getting to marry the king.
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What do you call chess pieces that have sex together?

Pawn stars.

Just How Smart Was Einstein?

This is a TRUE STORY but hopefully you will find some humor in it.

Back in the early 70s, when I was a college student, I took care of the yard of a lonely widower, named Arthur, who occasionally asked me to join him for a game of chess. He resided in Paradise Valley, AZ. During WWII, Arth...
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Chess joke



How come the english never lose at chess?

Because >!the queen never dies!<



Why are americans bad at chess?

Because >!they lost two towers!<
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