If you forget the rules of Chess don't worry...

... you're allowed to check

For Me, Chess is a Lot Like Tinder

I know a few openings, but continually struggle to put myself into mating positions

I got a job at a chess piece factory recently...

...I'm on the knight shift next week.

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'.

So we stopped playing chess.

Why is the white bishop piece in chess the fastest?

Because it's on F1.

I defeated a chess grand master in three moves.

I stood up; picked up a chair and hit him with it.

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"Is chess better than sex?"

It depends on the position.

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Catholic school is like a game of chess.

You don’t want to end up with the bishop in your ass.

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.

Why are british people good at chess?

Because their queen can't die.

African Grey Parrots are famously intelligent, but studies have shown that they consistently lose chess matches against ravens, jackdaws, and other corvids.

Said one researcher, "They just have trouble weighing the crows and pawns."

Why can chess Bishops only more diagonally?

Because north, south, east and west are Cardinal directions.

What do you call a bunch of chess masters bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

I did it the other knight...

And I got rooked.

Why does the queen have much more mobility than the king in chess?

Because the board looks like a kitchen floor.

Two Chess Grandmasters sit down for a Drink

They get a little tipsy, and their tongues loosen up.

Charles: “My wife has been awfully quiet recently. I think she may be having an affair.”

Digory: “...”

Charles: “Well come on man, don’t be so glum.”

Digory: “Charles, I have a confession about my last mate.”

Ch...

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I beat a chess grandmaster in only three moves

Turns out he's pretty shit at karate.

What do you call adult-only Chess videos?

Pawn

You can never enjoy a game of Chess against an Australian.

Everytime he checks, you'll think he's won the game.

Why is the US bad at chess?

We have no kings, no queens, and we already lost 2 towers

Me and the knight in chess have a lot in common

Every time we move it results on an L

I was playing chess and my opponent opened with 1. Nf3.

I wasn't reti for that.

What is the favourite move of a chess player suffering from OCD?

*double-check*

Why is it so hard to win a chess match against an Australian?

Because the moment they attack your king, it's a check, mate!

My life is a lot like chess.

I'm really bad at it.

I had dinner with a chess master

IT TOOK HIM FOUR HOURS TO PASS THE FRICKING SALT

A british person plays chess with an american,

The british person always wins. Why?


Their queen never dies.

Why can’t Michael Jackson play chess?

He can’t decide which color to use

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Arguing against an idiot is like playing chess against a pigeon

You strategically think of all the moves and you have the intelligence to win, but they will just shit on all the pieces and then strut around as if they'd won

A computer once beat me at chess,

but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

While my roommate was sleeping, I dumped chess pieces on his head.

You should have seen the rook on his face.

A lion and a cheetah have a game of chess and the cheetah ends up winning.

Annoyed, the lion shouts, "You're a cheater!"
The cheetah snapped back, "You're lyin'!"

Life is like a game of chess

I don’t know how to play chess

A man is playing chess with a horse in the park.

A man is playing chess with a horse in the park.

A passer-by stops and watches them amazed. After a while ha says to the man: "Wow, your horse is playing chess? It must be really smart."

The man replies: "You call it smart? He hasn't won for like twelve games straight."

Australian Grandmaster wins big chess tournament, "so would you like the prize money as cash or..?" "check, mate"

Hey so I won a college chess tournament and are about to go into an Instagram live video with a talkative person(the host,lady) and the college chess coach "Dan" (friend of mine,older) . So what are some jokes I can do?

I'm thinking of..

Host:"so you've played a lot of chess huh?"
...

At the weekend, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming increasingly harder..

..to find exactly 32 of them.

Haven't played chess in a year

Did they nerf the queen yet?

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. The man watched the game in astonishment for a while.

“I can hardly believe my eyes!” he said. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”

“He’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”

I Want to Become a Famous Chess Player.

But I've got too much of a checkered past to do it.

Why doesn’t America want to play Chess with the UK?

They are down two towers already and the UK has a unkillable queen

Never buy a chess set from France

You’ll never find the top of the Queen

Chess is banned under Islam

They hate that the queen moves freely.

What's Bin Laden's favorite chess opening?

Pwn to C4

I have a European friend who I play chess with

Or as I like to call him, my Czech mate

2 Psychics are playing a game of chess...

They look at the board and then firmly shake their hands and nod and say “Good Game!”
and leave.

Today I was playing chess and blundered a major piece

Rookie mistake

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This one is for my chess friends...

Two chess masters are friends for many years and one of them dies.

After a week he shows up in the others dream and he tells him that he has news, good ones and bad ones.

The guy is ecstatic about seeing his friend, and asks what the news were.

He answers: It is wonderful up he...

A chess grandmaster blundered his rook by moving it from the E file to the F file instead of the G file

What a rook-e mistake!!!

Once a man met the great chessmaster Gary Kasparov on a plane seat beside him

The grandmaster says "would u like to play a game of chess for a $100 per game?" The man replies "I know who you are mate I would never be able to beat you". Gary thinks a bit and says "I will play with my left hand" the man accepts.


Afterwards when he recites his story to his wife he sa...

After the chess tournament in Australia was over, the champion still walked away empty-handed.

When the judges went to hand him the prize, they said "Here's your check, mate."

Two men are playing chess in Australia

One guy asks "What's your ethnicity?"

As he knocks over the king, the other guy responds "Czech, mate"

I taught my dog to play chess.

But he's pretty dumb. I manage to beat him two out of three times.

Why do British people love playing chess?

Coz no-one can kill their Queen.

Why do you never see chess jokes ?

No one likes them, they always have a bad pawn

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If you're concerned about your new partner's sexual history, and you don't want to catch genital warts, imagine you're playing chess, not craps.

So don't roll the dice. Check first, and then mate.

Why do dyslexic chess players have such fresh breath?

Because they're so good at finding Tic Tacs.

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What do you call chess pieces that have sex together?

Pawn stars.

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What do a chess player and a pornstar have in common?

Thinking long and hard

Today, I managed to beat the chess world champion.

Turns out, his moves were useless against a bat.

A dumb man is seated next to the world chess champion in a flight.

And the world champion asks the dumb fellow if he’d like to play a game of chess to pass the time.

The dumb fellow politely denies saying he can’t compete with a world champion.

The world master insists. But the guy refuses.

The world master proposes to level the field by promis...

Chess was invented in Australia

Why else would they say Checkmate?

How do Australian chess players send their food back?

"It's stale, mate."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories

After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Bob Seger sits in a park with a tired-eyed old man. He's learning how to play chess.

After going over the layout and setup of the board, the old man begins a lesson on to the movement of the individual pieces.

Queens move in all directions, any distance. Kings are the same but with only one space. He didn't understand the knight, though.

Two in one direction, then ...

Did you hear about the fairy godmother that needed extra minutes to decide her first move in a chess game?

Wants pawn time.

What do you call a 30 year old man that likes to play chess?

A GameBoy

What did the Bihari shout at the Frenchman when he won a game of chess?

Tu-Lose Tu-Lose

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I was the captain of the chess team in high school...

And as you might have guessed from that statement, I’m white and I’ve never dated a black woman. But if I ever do date a black woman, I know one thing:

I’ll have to make the first move.

My wife and I do a lot of mating.

I think we may have a chess addiction.

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.

It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .

A man from Prague and his friend were playing chess at a restaurant when an Australian waiter interrupts their game.

The waiter says, "have a check, mate. Your Czech mate is about to be in check mate... oh, and here's the cheque, mate."

My laptop beat me at chess

I guess I'm just really bad at chess

I bet y'all were expecting me to beat it at kickboxing.

My girlfriend told me if I use any more chess terminology, she'll break up with me

"Check," I said.

She moved out the next day.

"Checkmate," I said.

A chess champion and an Australian man were playing a game of chess at a fancy restaurant.

(My dad told me this one, not sure if it’s OG but hey it’s worth a shot)

A chess master wanted to go back to playing casual matches, he also invited his old friend who was from Australia to play at a local restaurant.

The man is surprised his friend is holding out amazingly well, and a...

Why do islamic people dont play chess?

Because the woman can move freely

I traveled to London this year to take part in Europe's largest chess tournament and was destroyed in the first round by this European guy with an odd accent. I waited until the end of the game to ask him about where he was from and what kind of accent he had...

He responded: "Czech, mate!"

Which rockstar is the best chess player?

Bob Seger, because he’s always working on them knight moves.

What do you do when you're weirdly attracted to a chess player, but can't make out whether they're a guy or a girl?

Check and mate

It would be confusing to be a chess player in Australia when you have some money to deposit.

Check, mate

An Australian goes to a chess tournament

When he was about to lose his first game, his opponent looked up, smiled and said: *checkmate*.

The Australian replied back in confusion: *But mate.. I didn't order anything!*

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My brother was pissed at me when he found out I mated his wife

He bet $100 she would beat me in a game of chess.

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

Why isn’t Michael Jackson a good chess player?

Because he’s dead

Chess is a very progressive game...

Because if the soldier gets to the enemy's territory, his reward is getting to marry the king.

I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

An Australian enters a Chess competition

To pay for admission, he writes a check to the organizers. He walks up to a man at the entrance accepting checks. The man at the entrance says "Do you have your check, mate?" To which the Australian responds "Checkmate? I haven't even started a round"

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An international chess tournament is being held in a swank hotel in New York.

However, due to a conflicting convention the tables have been set up in the lobby. Everyone who is anyone in the world of chess is there. After a grueling 4 hours of chess, there is still no winner. In the lobby, the players get into a big argument about who is the brightest, the fastest, and the be...

I prayed to god to have the best chess skills in the world

Checkmate atheists

Poland and its neighboring country were playing chess

The neighboring country won with a Czechmate

Anti-vaxxers are like teaching a pigeon to play chess...

They don't know jack about it, they don't wanna hear you explain it, and in the end they knock down the pieces and strut around like they won the game.

Two superintelligent AI played chess

They both won easily

Have you heard of the chess board challenge?

Its where you segregate the whites and the blacks and make the whites start a war

What did the Slovak chess player say when he won the match?

Czech-mate.

Why can you never play chess with an Australian?

You can never know if it’s really checkmate

When someone has two queens in chess...

You know there's been cheating.


I wonder how many times this joke will go over people's heads.

I went to lunch with a champion chess player.

It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt...

Chess joke



How come the english never lose at chess?

Because >!the queen never dies!<



Why are americans bad at chess?

Because >!they lost two towers!<

Why did the chess player get tense in a diner?

Because the waiter said "Check".

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