Life is like a game of chess















I don't know how to play chess

I was playing chess with my friend from Czechoslovakia, Jakub

He won by putting me in a czechmate

An American, a Brit and an Australian all take part in a chess tournament

But only the Australian wins.

While the other were able to check their opponents King, the Australian managed to get a "check m8"

I just had lunch with a champion chess player

Took her 8 minutes to pass the salt.

What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?

They both end with a check mate

If you forget the rules of Chess don't worry...

... you're allowed to check

I got arrested for playing chess in the street

I said: “it’s because I’m black isn’t it?”

An Australian visits a chess-themed restaurant

Once he finishes, he calls to his waiter,
"Checkmate."

Do you know why americans are bad at chess?

they dont have 2 towers

I like to play chess with old men in the park

Although it’s hard to find 32 of them.

What's the most explosive opening move in chess?

C4

I once bought a cake in the shape of a chess set

When I tasted it, it was terrible, so I took it back to the store and said "This is stale mate!!"

The shopkeeper said "Are you sure??"

I said "I'm sure, if you don't believe me, then check mate!!!

An Australian is losing badly against a Czechoslovakian in a chess championship match and asks him what country he is from.

The Czechoslovakian wins and replies:
“Czech, mate.”

So I was in a hostel playing chess with a European guy when an Aussie comes up and says...

"There's no way you'll win."

"Why?"

"Because he's Czech, mate."

I was playing chess with a friend and he said “let’s make this interesting”

So we stopped playing chess

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel

and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A person from Czechoslovakia falls in love with a chess player

It’s a Czechmate!

Chess Joke

You know chess is like a mirror image of real life in a lot of ways. For instance the person playing as black doesn't always lose, but they generally have to work a lot harder.

What’s every SWAT team leader’s favourite chess move?

C4

I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

When someone has two queens in chess...

You know there's been cheating.


I wonder how many times this joke will go over people's heads.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man reportedly knocked over a chess table during a tournament using his penis.

People are saying it was a real dick move.

Why can't americans play chess?

They are missing two towers

How did the austrailian buy his new chess set?

Cheque, mate.

Chess is banned under Islam

They hate that the queen moves freely.

My friend is a chess master from the Soviet block

No really he's my Czech mate

Chess is blasphemous

Bishops are not allowed to move in a cardinal direction.

Gary kasparov (chess master) was sitting next to me in a plane.

He wanted to play chess with me.
I was like " come on Gary, u r like this world champion player... U will beat me in less than 10 moves. "

Gary replied, " I'll play with my left hand"

" That sounds fair" I said. And we played.
I don't know how but Gary beat me in 7 moves. I was...

Why did Saudi Arabia banned chess and called it a dangerous game.?

Because, The queen can roam freely wherever she wants to.

America is like a game of chess.

Black always goes second.

What did the waiter say to the Aussie chess player after he finished his meal?

Here's your cheque mate.

An Australian walks into his regular restaurant with his freind from Prague. They order some food and start a game of chess.

As they're finishing their meal, the waiter approaches the Aussie, "Oh hey, who's your friend? Can I get you guys anything else?"

The Aussie plays the final move of the game and says, "Check Mate".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex is like a chess game

1. The more you practice the better you play.
2. You need to watch your partner's every move.
3. The first game was with grandpa.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boris Spassky was once asked by a reporter, "Which do you prefer: chess or sex?".

Spassky replied, "It very much depends on the position".

cHEsS

An Australian is playing chess. He says, "Check, mate."

Although the game just begun, the other player leaves thinking the game is over

What does an Australian dinner out and a chess match have in common?

The both end with someone saying Cheque Mate!

My last trip to Europe reminded me how bad I was at chess

I was beaten by a Czech mate

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Arguing with an anti-vaxxer is like playing chess with a pigeon...

No matter how good at chess you are, the pigeon will just knock over pieces, shit on the board, and then fly back to its flock to claim victory.

Why can't people in the U.S. play chess?

Because their king is actually a pawn.

A chess player once borrowed a million dollars to purchase special edition chess boards.

His friend asked him to pay the money back but he ran away. His friend got cancer and couldn't pay the bills.

Finally the chess player went to visit him, holding a piece of paper in his hand. He walked up to him, and extended his arm towards him, and said "Check, mate."

The Christmas Chess Tournament

The chess tournament during the Christmas season was pretty well attended, and the players were having a great time. After each pair finished their game, they would go back over it, sometimes involving others and spectators to discuss moves made and moves that should have been made, and the winners ...

There’s a chess convention at nice hotel

Afterwards all the players were hanging out in the lobby talking and bragging about who won. They were really loud and carrying on. The manager finally came out and had to ask them to leave. He said “I can’t have a bunch of chess nuts boasting in an open foyer”

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.

It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .

I was waiting for a girl to make a move on me, but it was taking her too long

Then I found out she was a Chess Player

I knew I was playing chess with an Australian...

... he said "checkmate" and then left suddenly.

Finally got a job making chess pieces

I start on nights next week

An Australian person went to a chess themed restaurant.

After finishing his meal, he asked the server, “could I get my check mate?”

My children's chess addiction is getting out of hand.

But I have managed to keep them in check so far.

When I was young, I used to play chess with my father and he always beat me.

Probably because I always won in chess.

Two guys are playing chess.

Two guys are playing chess. After a very long time, one of them says:
"I am waiting for your move."
The other guy replies, angrily: "Why didn't you tell me this two hours ago?"

Being the first to move in chess...

Is white privilege.

A chess team is sitting in a hotel lobby bragging about a recent victory

The hotel manager comes out and tells them that they all need to leave immediately.

As they’re heading out the door one of the players asked why they were being kicked out.

“Because,” said the manager

“I hate chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

Putin been giving Trump lessons on how to play chess

But the only thing Donald could remember was that it's important to block The Queen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a dog are playing chess

A woman walks in and says "holy crap, your dog can play chess?! That's amazing! What a brilliant dog! "


The man says "you think my dog is brilliant? Pffft. Hardly. He's pretty dumb, I've won 19 games out of the 20 we've played."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend from work asked if I wanted a chess tournament

I said yes but then he tried to sell me a sculpture of a woman’s tits

I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week.

Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".

He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".

So I handed him the cake and said "check mate".

Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess.

But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say at the start of a game of chess?

I’ll be black

A computer beat me at chess

But I really got the better of it in boxing.

Anyone hear the one about the three legged chess player?

Some say he's always a step ahead of the competition.

A chess player was travelling abroad for a tournament

He managed to find a room at a small hotel. Upon entering the room, he immediately knew something was wrong and briskly made his way back to reception.

"Is something wrong?" the receptionist asked, startled by the man's disgruntled demeanour.

The man exclaimed "I thought I paid for ro...

A man sees two people engaged in a game of Chess at the gym

The man asks the two: “Why are you two here?”


One of them replies: “Those bodybuilders over there said it was Chess day”

Why will the south never know the area of a chess board.

It is black and white so they won't integrate

What's the similarity between chess and the world?

White has an advantage.

Why shouldn't you eat a chess sandwich?

It's stale, mate.

Where's the worst place to buy a chess set?

A pawn shop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which do you prefer, sex or chess?

Depends on the position.

They say a man's attractiveness is tied to his chess ability...

Unfortunately, I'm really bad at mating.

I hate playing chess with communists!

They're always stalin' for time..

I was playing chess with my Australian friend

He moved his queen in front of my king and said "check, mate".


I replied and said, "you didn't win though?"


Confused he said, "mate, I know."

What chess piece is the best with kids?

The bishop

From a kid in the local chess club

Kid: Do you know why bishops move diagonally?
Me: No, why?
Kid: Because catholic priests never go straight

At the Robot Exhibition: "Wow. What a fantastic chess robot you have!"

"Oh, this? This is not a chess robot. It's a 'throws all the pieces and flips the board' robot. We also taught it to play chess, so that in context flipping the board seems more human."

What do you call it when all the pieces on the Chess Board go on Strike??

A Piece-ful Protest.

Why can't Michael Jackson play chess?

Because he's dead.

My dog destroyed my chess set. I tried to replace the missing pieces...

but the pawn shop was closed.

Why can the chess Queen move around as she wants?

Because the chess table looks like a kitchen floor.

A man walks into a bar and sees a man playing chess with his dog.

"Dear goodness! I've never seen such a thing in my life. That dog must be incredibly smart."
"Not really. He loses 9 out of every 10 games."

My wife makes love like a chess player.

Every twenty minutes, she moves.

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