life is like a game of chess

i dont have a clue how to play chess

If you forget the rules of Chess don't worry...

... you're allowed to check

I was in my hotel lobby, and I heard two chess Masters bragging about past wins.

They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

( Credit to Thomas Sanders, this made me laugh, I thought other people should see it. )

I just had lunch with a champion chess player

Took her 8 minutes to pass the salt.

I traveled to London this year to take part in Europe's largest chess tournament and was destroyed in the first round by this European guy with an odd accent. I waited until the end of the game to ask him about where he was from and what kind of accent he had...

He responded: "Czech, mate!"

It would be confusing to be a chess player in Australia when you have some money to deposit.

Check, mate

Why did the chess player get tense in a diner?

Because the waiter said "Check".

My girlfriend told me if I use any more chess terminology, she'll break up with me

"Check," I said.

She moved out the next day.

"Checkmate," I said.

Why should you never play chess with an Austrailian?

Because a check will always turn into a check, mate.

A group of chess-playing fanatics would gather each day in the hotel lobby to brag about their greatest victories.

There came a day when the hotel manager barred the group from the lobby because he couldn't stand to listen to a band of chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

So I beat my son playing chess the other day.

Oddly the CPS took him away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some say chess is better than sex

I say it depends on the position.

A chess champion and an Australian man were playing a game of chess at a fancy restaurant.

(My dad told me this one, not sure if it’s OG but hey it’s worth a shot)

A chess master wanted to go back to playing casual matches, he also invited his old friend who was from Australia to play at a local restaurant.

The man is surprised his friend is holding out amazingly well, and a...

I once bought a cake in the shape of a chess set

When I tasted it, it was terrible, so I took it back to the store and said "This is stale mate!!"

The shopkeeper said "Are you sure??"

I said "I'm sure, if you don't believe me, then check mate!!!

I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

I played chess with my boyfriend and I gave him a beating

I really get mad when I lose

Two Aussie chess players are finishing lunch. One makes a move for the waiter..

"Check, mate?"

Why isn’t Michael Jackson a good chess player?

Because he’s dead

Dave and his Bob-Ross-Obsessed friend were playing chess.

Dave made a move, and immediately regretted it.

Dave went "whelp, that was a mistake."

His friend immediately shot back "It wasn't a mistake, just a happy accident."


Dave's brother in the next room over heard and replied, "Stop talking about me!"




(My best ...

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,

and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because, 'he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air. She then folded her arms and huffed, “You never make the first move.

“Jesus!” I said as I rolled my eyes. “Every night it’s the same thing.”

“Well you don’t!” she moaned. “It’s always me and quite frankly I’m fed up with it. And before you start, it’s nothing to do with you being black.”

“It is,” I said.

“No, it isn’t,” she said.

“You know...

Chess is banned under Islam

They hate that the queen moves freely.

What's the most explosive opening move in chess?

C4

Chess Joke

You know chess is like a mirror image of real life in a lot of ways. For instance the person playing as black doesn't always lose, but they generally have to work a lot harder.

An Australian is losing badly against a Czechoslovakian in a chess championship match and asks him what country he is from.

The Czechoslovakian wins and replies:
“Czech, mate.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex is like a chess game

1. The more you practice the better you play.
2. You need to watch your partner's every move.
3. The first game was with grandpa.

What’s every SWAT team leader’s favourite chess move?

C4

I was playing chess with my girlfriend and she said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’.

So we stopped playing chess

I prayed to god to have the best chess skills in the world

Checkmate atheists

I like to play chess with old people in the park.

Although I will admit that it is difficult to round up 32 of them and get them to play in costume.

I got arrested for playing chess in the street

I said: “it’s because I’m black isn’t it?”

I was playing chess with my friend from Czechoslovakia, Jakub

He won by putting me in a czechmate

My friend is a chess master from the Soviet block

No really he's my Czech mate

When someone has two queens in chess...

You know there's been cheating.


I wonder how many times this joke will go over people's heads.

Why can't americans play chess?

They are missing two towers

Do you know why americans are bad at chess?

they dont have 2 towers

America is like a game of chess.

Black always goes second.

A person from Czechoslovakia falls in love with a chess player

It’s a Czechmate!

So I was in a hostel playing chess with a European guy when an Aussie comes up and says...

"There's no way you'll win."

"Why?"

"Because he's Czech, mate."

Two old men where sitting at the chess table playing

When one of them moved the queen and said "Check"

"What?"

"Check"

"What do you want me to check?"

"No, I'll pick up the check."

"Did you say you needed to get your hearing checked?"

"Sure, let's play checkers!"



And that's how the poker game tu...

How did the austrailian buy his new chess set?

Cheque, mate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man reportedly knocked over a chess table during a tournament using his penis.

People are saying it was a real dick move.

Chess is blasphemous

Bishops are not allowed to move in a cardinal direction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boris Spassky was once asked by a reporter, "Which do you prefer: chess or sex?".

Spassky replied, "It very much depends on the position".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Arguing with an anti-vaxxer is like playing chess with a pigeon...

No matter how good at chess you are, the pigeon will just knock over pieces, shit on the board, and then fly back to its flock to claim victory.

Gary kasparov (chess master) was sitting next to me in a plane.

He wanted to play chess with me.
I was like " come on Gary, u r like this world champion player... U will beat me in less than 10 moves. "

Gary replied, " I'll play with my left hand"

" That sounds fair" I said. And we played.
I don't know how but Gary beat me in 7 moves. I was...

What did the waiter say to the Aussie chess player after he finished his meal?

Here's your cheque mate.

What did the chess grandmaster do when the big tournament was stressing him out?

He took the knight off.

My last trip to Europe reminded me how bad I was at chess

I was beaten by a Czech mate

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.

It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .

Why can't people in the U.S. play chess?

Because their king is actually a pawn.

What does an Australian dinner out and a chess match have in common?

The both end with someone saying Cheque Mate!

A chess player once borrowed a million dollars to purchase special edition chess boards.

His friend asked him to pay the money back but he ran away. His friend got cancer and couldn't pay the bills.

Finally the chess player went to visit him, holding a piece of paper in his hand. He walked up to him, and extended his arm towards him, and said "Check, mate."

cHEsS

An Australian is playing chess. He says, "Check, mate."

Although the game just begun, the other player leaves thinking the game is over

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

I used to rule the world.

I was 7-time champion in chess championships, won count less awards in racing world, led armies of millions. But then my son broke the computer.

Finally got a job making chess pieces

I start on nights next week

The Christmas Chess Tournament

The chess tournament during the Christmas season was pretty well attended, and the players were having a great time. After each pair finished their game, they would go back over it, sometimes involving others and spectators to discuss moves made and moves that should have been made, and the winners ...

There’s a chess convention at nice hotel

Afterwards all the players were hanging out in the lobby talking and bragging about who won. They were really loud and carrying on. The manager finally came out and had to ask them to leave. He said “I can’t have a bunch of chess nuts boasting in an open foyer”

Being the first to move in chess...

Is white privilege.

My children's chess addiction is getting out of hand.

But I have managed to keep them in check so far.

Two guys are playing chess.

Two guys are playing chess. After a very long time, one of them says:
"I am waiting for your move."
The other guy replies, angrily: "Why didn't you tell me this two hours ago?"

An Australian person went to a chess themed restaurant.

After finishing his meal, he asked the server, “could I get my check mate?”

Over the years, I've realized that life is a lot like chess.

My friends are pros at it, but I'm still the idiot who thinks the knight is called a horse.

I knew I was playing chess with an Australian...

... he said "checkmate" and then left suddenly.

When I was young, I used to play chess with my father and he always beat me.

Probably because I always won in chess.

What did the British restaurant patron say to his waiter after he finished his meal?

checkmate



just thought of this joke cause i play a lot of chess. how can i work a chess or competition reference into the premise to add more value to the punchline?

A chess team is sitting in a hotel lobby bragging about a recent victory

The hotel manager comes out and tells them that they all need to leave immediately.

As they’re heading out the door one of the players asked why they were being kicked out.

“Because,” said the manager

“I hate chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a dog are playing chess

A woman walks in and says "holy crap, your dog can play chess?! That's amazing! What a brilliant dog! "


The man says "you think my dog is brilliant? Pffft. Hardly. He's pretty dumb, I've won 19 games out of the 20 we've played."

A computer beat me at chess

But I really got the better of it in boxing.

Putin been giving Trump lessons on how to play chess

But the only thing Donald could remember was that it's important to block The Queen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend from work asked if I wanted a chess tournament

I said yes but then he tried to sell me a sculpture of a woman’s tits

A seer was recruited to help a party of heroes break into a ruined dungeon

The other heroes knew that his knowledge of the arcane would help them to understand and predict the nefarious traps that were sure to beset them within the darkened tunnels.



The dungeon's architect had laid it out as a chess board, and the party moved one by one along the squares. Th...

Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess.

But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say at the start of a game of chess?

I’ll be black

What do you call chesse that isn't yours?

Stolen.

What makes a chess player happy?

Taking a knight off.

Anyone hear the one about the three legged chess player?

Some say he's always a step ahead of the competition.

A chess player was travelling abroad for a tournament

He managed to find a room at a small hotel. Upon entering the room, he immediately knew something was wrong and briskly made his way back to reception.

"Is something wrong?" the receptionist asked, startled by the man's disgruntled demeanour.

The man exclaimed "I thought I paid for ro...

One from my chess teacher

"When a girl tells you you're going too far... she actually means you're coming too close."

A man sees two people engaged in a game of Chess at the gym

The man asks the two: “Why are you two here?”


One of them replies: “Those bodybuilders over there said it was Chess day”

Why will the south never know the area of a chess board.

It is black and white so they won't integrate

What's the similarity between chess and the world?

White has an advantage.

Where's the worst place to buy a chess set?

A pawn shop.

In the ancient village of Gennemill, there lived the Trids...

The Trids were a happy folk, mostly due to their vast riches. They weren't known for being warriors, or for being artists, or for their architecture, but simply because they had the most gold, an entire mountain of it infact. But one day the powerful dragon, Sorial, swooped down on Gennemill and ove...

I was playing chess with my Australian friend

He moved his queen in front of my king and said "check, mate".


I replied and said, "you didn't win though?"


Confused he said, "mate, I know."

Why shouldn't you eat a chess sandwich?

It's stale, mate.

They say a man's attractiveness is tied to his chess ability...

Unfortunately, I'm really bad at mating.

What chess piece is the best with kids?

The bishop

What do you call it when all the pieces on the Chess Board go on Strike??

A Piece-ful Protest.

I hate playing chess with communists!

They're always stalin' for time..

From a kid in the local chess club

Kid: Do you know why bishops move diagonally?
Me: No, why?
Kid: Because catholic priests never go straight

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