If you forget the rules of Chess don't worry...

... you're allowed to check

Why are Brits good at chess?

Because the queen never dies

Today I was playing chess and blundered a major piece

Rookie mistake

What did the competitive chess player call their Czech friend?

Czech mate!

I defeated a chess grand master in three moves.

I stood up; picked up a chair and hit him with it.

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.

I've recently started to learn about the history of chess boards

Seems they have quite the checkered past.

Why is the white bishop piece in chess the fastest?

Because it's on F1.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you're concerned about your new partner's sexual history, and you don't want to catch genital warts, imagine you're playing chess, not craps.

So don't roll the dice. Check first, and then mate.

Why do dyslexic chess players have such fresh breath?

Because they're so good at finding Tic Tacs.

What do you call a 30 year old man that likes to play chess?

A GameBoy

Two men are playing chess in Australia

One guy asks "What's your ethnicity?"

As he knocks over the king, the other guy responds "Czech, mate"

Bob Seger sits in a park with a tired-eyed old man. He's learning how to play chess.

After going over the layout and setup of the board, the old man begins a lesson on to the movement of the individual pieces.

Queens move in all directions, any distance. Kings are the same but with only one space. He didn't understand the knight, though.

Two in one direction, then ...

Today, I managed to beat the chess world champion.

Turns out, his moves were useless against a bat.

Poland and its neighboring country were playing chess

The neighboring country won with a Czechmate

I taught my dog to play chess.

But he's pretty dumb. I manage to beat him two out of three times.

An Aussie wins a game of chess and calls for the bill, then his friend collapses in his chair.

He says: “Checkmate. Check, mate” then Checks his mate

I like to play chess with old men in the park

although it’s hard to find 32 of them

An Australian enters a Chess competition

To pay for admission, he writes a check to the organizers. He walks up to a man at the entrance accepting checks. The man at the entrance says "Do you have your check, mate?" To which the Australian responds "Checkmate? I haven't even started a round"

A man from Prague and his friend were playing chess at a restaurant when an Australian waiter interrupts their game.

The waiter says, "have a check, mate. Your Czech mate is about to be in check mate... oh, and here's the cheque, mate."

Chess was invented in Australia

Why else would they say Checkmate?

Which rockstar is the best chess player?

Bob Seger, because he’s always working on them knight moves.

A dumb man is seated next to the world chess champion in a flight.

And the world champion asks the dumb fellow if he’d like to play a game of chess to pass the time.

The dumb fellow politely denies saying he can’t compete with a world champion.

The world master insists. But the guy refuses.

The world master proposes to level the field by promis...

What's Bin Laden's favorite chess move?

Pawn C4

Chess is a very progressive game...

Because if the soldier gets to the enemy's territory, his reward is getting to marry the king.

life is like a game of chess

i dont have a clue how to play chess

I just had lunch with a champion chess player

Took her 8 minutes to pass the salt.

Why do islamic people dont play chess?

Because the woman can move freely

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a chess player and a pornstar have in common?

Thinking long and hard

Chess joke



How come the english never lose at chess?

Because >!the queen never dies!<



Why are americans bad at chess?

Because >!they lost two towers!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Is chess better than sex?"

It depends on the position.

An Australian goes to a chess tournament

When he was about to lose his first game, his opponent looked up, smiled and said: *checkmate*.

The Australian replied back in confusion: *But mate.. I didn't order anything!*

My laptop beat me at chess

I guess I'm just really bad at chess

I bet y'all were expecting me to beat it at kickboxing.

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their wins in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Chess is banned under Islam

They hate that the queen moves freely.

I was in my hotel lobby, and I heard two chess Masters bragging about past wins.

They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

( Credit to Thomas Sanders, this made me laugh, I thought other people should see it. )

My friend and I were playing chess and then he said "let's make this interesting"

So we stopped playing chess

New York can't play chess

They're missing two towers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play.

The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says “I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, say...

Two superintelligent AI played chess

They both won easily

Why is it so hard for an american to win a game of chess?

They already lost both of their towers

How do Australian chess players send their food back?

"It's stale, mate."

What do you do when you're weirdly attracted to a chess player, but can't make out whether they're a guy or a girl?

Check and mate

I traveled to London this year to take part in Europe's largest chess tournament and was destroyed in the first round by this European guy with an odd accent. I waited until the end of the game to ask him about where he was from and what kind of accent he had...

He responded: "Czech, mate!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An international chess tournament is being held in a swank hotel in New York.

However, due to a conflicting convention the tables have been set up in the lobby. Everyone who is anyone in the world of chess is there. After a grueling 4 hours of chess, there is still no winner. In the lobby, the players get into a big argument about who is the brightest, the fastest, and the be...

Anti-vaxxers are like teaching a pigeon to play chess...

They don't know jack about it, they don't wanna hear you explain it, and in the end they knock down the pieces and strut around like they won the game.

It would be confusing to be a chess player in Australia when you have some money to deposit.

Check, mate

My girlfriend told me if I use any more chess terminology, she'll break up with me

"Check," I said.

She moved out the next day.

"Checkmate," I said.

A chess champion and an Australian man were playing a game of chess at a fancy restaurant.

(My dad told me this one, not sure if it’s OG but hey it’s worth a shot)

A chess master wanted to go back to playing casual matches, he also invited his old friend who was from Australia to play at a local restaurant.

The man is surprised his friend is holding out amazingly well, and a...

Have you heard of the chess board challenge?

Its where you segregate the whites and the blacks and make the whites start a war

What did the Slovak chess player say when he won the match?

Czech-mate.

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog.

The man watched the game in astonishment for a while.


“I can hardly believe my eyes!” he said. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”


“He’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”

Why did the chess player get tense in a diner?

Because the waiter said "Check".

I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

I prayed to god to have the best chess skills in the world

Checkmate atheists

Why can you never play chess with an Australian?

You can never know if it’s really checkmate

A group of chess-playing fanatics would gather each day in the hotel lobby to brag about their greatest victories.

There came a day when the hotel manager barred the group from the lobby because he couldn't stand to listen to a band of chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

So I beat my son playing chess the other day.

Oddly the CPS took him away.

Saw this on r/cursedcomments

America is so bad at chess they lost 2 towers in one move

Dave and his Bob-Ross-Obsessed friend were playing chess.

Dave made a move, and immediately regretted it.

Dave went "whelp, that was a mistake."

His friend immediately shot back "It wasn't a mistake, just a happy accident."


Dave's brother in the next room over heard and replied, "Stop talking about me!"




(My best ...

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.

It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,

and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because, 'he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

I got arrested for playing chess in the street

I said: “it’s because I’m black isn’t it?”

When someone has two queens in chess...

You know there's been cheating.


I wonder how many times this joke will go over people's heads.

Chess Joke

You know chess is like a mirror image of real life in a lot of ways. For instance the person playing as black doesn't always lose, but they generally have to work a lot harder.

An Australian visits a chess-themed restaurant

Once he finishes, he calls to his waiter,
"Checkmate."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man get’s a new job on a remote lighthouse. He is the youngest of the 4 lighthouse keepers.

When he arrives and starts to get to know the others he asks, “So what do you do for entertainment around here every night.”

“Well,” said the oldest keeper. “On Monday night we usually play a long game of chess.”

“That’s a shame,” the young man said. “I don’t play chess.”

“Never...

I once bought a cake in the shape of a chess set

When I tasted it, it was terrible, so I took it back to the store and said "This is stale mate!!"

The shopkeeper said "Are you sure??"

I said "I'm sure, if you don't believe me, then check mate!!!

What’s every SWAT team leader’s favourite chess move?

C4

Why isn’t Michael Jackson a good chess player?

Because he’s dead

I was really excited when I picked up a book titled “69 Mating positions”.

Turns out it was about chess.

America is like a game of chess.

Black always goes second.

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

I was playing chess with my friend from Czechoslovakia, Jakub

He won by putting me in a czechmate

Chess is blasphemous

Bishops are not allowed to move in a cardinal direction.

My friend is a chess master from the Soviet block

No really he's my Czech mate

My computer beat me at chess...

So I beat my computer at kickboxing.

Why can't people in the U.S. play chess?

Because their king is actually a pawn.

Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess.

But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

A person from Czechoslovakia falls in love with a chess player

It’s a Czechmate!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air. She then folded her arms and huffed, “You never make the first move.

“Jesus!” I said as I rolled my eyes. “Every night it’s the same thing.”

“Well you don’t!” she moaned. “It’s always me and quite frankly I’m fed up with it. And before you start, it’s nothing to do with you being black.”

“It is,” I said.

“No, it isn’t,” she said.

“You know...

Once BLM starts to die down

Who'll move first in chess?

An Australian is losing badly against a Czechoslovakian in a chess championship match and asks him what country he is from.

The Czechoslovakian wins and replies:
“Czech, mate.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boris Spassky was once asked by a reporter, "Which do you prefer: chess or sex?".

Spassky replied, "It very much depends on the position".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Arguing with an anti-vaxxer is like playing chess with a pigeon...

No matter how good at chess you are, the pigeon will just knock over pieces, shit on the board, and then fly back to its flock to claim victory.

Gary kasparov (chess master) was sitting next to me in a plane.

He wanted to play chess with me.
I was like " come on Gary, u r like this world champion player... U will beat me in less than 10 moves. "

Gary replied, " I'll play with my left hand"

" That sounds fair" I said. And we played.
I don't know how but Gary beat me in 7 moves. I was...

Your move.

I had lunch with chess grandmaster magnus magnuson last week. It was a lovely Italian restaurant with a chequered tablecloth though.
So
It took him three hours to pass the salt.

So I was in a hostel playing chess with a European guy when an Aussie comes up and says...

"There's no way you'll win."

"Why?"

"Because he's Czech, mate."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man reportedly knocked over a chess table during a tournament using his penis.

People are saying it was a real dick move.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a dog are playing chess

A woman walks in and says "holy crap, your dog can play chess?! That's amazing! What a brilliant dog! "


The man says "you think my dog is brilliant? Pffft. Hardly. He's pretty dumb, I've won 19 games out of the 20 we've played."

How did the austrailian buy his new chess set?

Cheque, mate.

What does an Australian dinner out and a chess match have in common?

The both end with someone saying Cheque Mate!

My last trip to Europe reminded me how bad I was at chess

I was beaten by a Czech mate

Two old men where sitting at the chess table playing

When one of them moved the queen and said "Check"

"What?"

"Check"

"What do you want me to check?"

"No, I'll pick up the check."

"Did you say you needed to get your hearing checked?"

"Sure, let's play checkers!"



And that's how the poker game tu...

What did the chess grandmaster do when the big tournament was stressing him out?

He took the knight off.

Two guys are playing chess.

Two guys are playing chess. After a very long time, one of them says:
"I am waiting for your move."
The other guy replies, angrily: "Why didn't you tell me this two hours ago?"

An Australian person went to a chess themed restaurant.

After finishing his meal, he asked the server, “could I get my check mate?”

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