Why is the white bishop piece in chess the fastest?

Because it's on F1.

If you forget the rules of Chess don't worry...

... you're allowed to check

Which rockstar is the best chess player?

Bob Seger, because he’s always working on them knight moves.

I have a European friend who likes to play chess

Or as I like to call him, my Czech mate

A man from Prague and his friend were playing chess at a restaurant when an Australian waiter interrupts their game.

The waiter says, "have a check, mate. Your Czech mate is about to be in check mate... oh, and here's the cheque, mate."

My laptop beat me at chess

I guess I'm just really bad at chess

I bet y'all were expecting me to beat it at kickboxing.

My friend and I were playing chess and then he said "let's make this interesting"

So we stopped playing chess

I like to play chess with old men in the park

although it’s hard to find 32 of them

Why are the English people so good at chess?

Because the queen never dies.

What's Bin Laden's favorite chess move?

Pawn C4

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Is chess better than sex?"

It depends on the position.

New York can't play chess

They're missing two towers

Chess joke



How come the english never lose at chess?

Because >!the queen never dies!<



Why are americans bad at chess?

Because >!they lost two towers!<

life is like a game of chess

i dont have a clue how to play chess

A dumb man is seated next to the world chess champion in a flight.

And the world champion asks the dumb fellow if he’d like to play a game of chess to pass the time.

The dumb fellow politely denies saying he can’t compete with a world champion.

The world master insists. But the guy refuses.

The world master proposes to level the field by promis...

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their wins in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

I traveled to London this year to take part in Europe's largest chess tournament and was destroyed in the first round by this European guy with an odd accent. I waited until the end of the game to ask him about where he was from and what kind of accent he had...

He responded: "Czech, mate!"

Have you heard of the chess board challenge?

Its where you segregate the whites and the blacks and make the whites start a war

Anti-vaxxers are like teaching a pigeon to play chess...

They don't know jack about it, they don't wanna hear you explain it, and in the end they knock down the pieces and strut around like they won the game.

I was in my hotel lobby, and I heard two chess Masters bragging about past wins.

They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

( Credit to Thomas Sanders, this made me laugh, I thought other people should see it. )

What do you do when you're weirdly attracted to a chess player, but can't make out whether they're a guy or a girl?

Check and mate

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An international chess tournament is being held in a swank hotel in New York.

However, due to a conflicting convention the tables have been set up in the lobby. Everyone who is anyone in the world of chess is there. After a grueling 4 hours of chess, there is still no winner. In the lobby, the players get into a big argument about who is the brightest, the fastest, and the be...

I just had lunch with a champion chess player

Took her 8 minutes to pass the salt.

How do Australian chess players send their food back?

"It's stale, mate."

It would be confusing to be a chess player in Australia when you have some money to deposit.

Check, mate

My girlfriend told me if I use any more chess terminology, she'll break up with me

"Check," I said.

She moved out the next day.

"Checkmate," I said.

Why did the chess player get tense in a diner?

Because the waiter said "Check".

What did the Slovak chess player say when he won the match?

Czech-mate.

A chess champion and an Australian man were playing a game of chess at a fancy restaurant.

(My dad told me this one, not sure if it’s OG but hey it’s worth a shot)

A chess master wanted to go back to playing casual matches, he also invited his old friend who was from Australia to play at a local restaurant.

The man is surprised his friend is holding out amazingly well, and a...

Why can you never play chess with an Australian?

You can never know if it’s really checkmate

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog.

The man watched the game in astonishment for a while.


“I can hardly believe my eyes!” he said. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”


“He’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”

Chess is banned under Islam

They hate that the queen moves freely.

Two Aussie chess players are finishing lunch. One makes a move for the waiter..

"Check, mate?"

So I beat my son playing chess the other day.

Oddly the CPS took him away.

Dave and his Bob-Ross-Obsessed friend were playing chess.

Dave made a move, and immediately regretted it.

Dave went "whelp, that was a mistake."

His friend immediately shot back "It wasn't a mistake, just a happy accident."


Dave's brother in the next room over heard and replied, "Stop talking about me!"




(My best ...

A group of chess-playing fanatics would gather each day in the hotel lobby to brag about their greatest victories.

There came a day when the hotel manager barred the group from the lobby because he couldn't stand to listen to a band of chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Why isn’t Michael Jackson a good chess player?

Because he’s dead

I was really excited when I picked up a book titled “69 Mating positions”.

Turns out it was about chess.

I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

Chess Joke

You know chess is like a mirror image of real life in a lot of ways. For instance the person playing as black doesn't always lose, but they generally have to work a lot harder.

I once bought a cake in the shape of a chess set

When I tasted it, it was terrible, so I took it back to the store and said "This is stale mate!!"

The shopkeeper said "Are you sure??"

I said "I'm sure, if you don't believe me, then check mate!!!

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,

and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because, 'he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

What’s every SWAT team leader’s favourite chess move?

C4

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.

It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .

I prayed to god to have the best chess skills in the world

Checkmate atheists

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air. She then folded her arms and huffed, “You never make the first move.

“Jesus!” I said as I rolled my eyes. “Every night it’s the same thing.”

“Well you don’t!” she moaned. “It’s always me and quite frankly I’m fed up with it. And before you start, it’s nothing to do with you being black.”

“It is,” I said.

“No, it isn’t,” she said.

“You know...

When someone has two queens in chess...

You know there's been cheating.


I wonder how many times this joke will go over people's heads.

My friend is a chess master from the Soviet block

No really he's my Czech mate

I got arrested for playing chess in the street

I said: “it’s because I’m black isn’t it?”

I was playing chess with my friend from Czechoslovakia, Jakub

He won by putting me in a czechmate

A person from Czechoslovakia falls in love with a chess player

It’s a Czechmate!

An Australian is losing badly against a Czechoslovakian in a chess championship match and asks him what country he is from.

The Czechoslovakian wins and replies:
“Czech, mate.”

Chess is blasphemous

Bishops are not allowed to move in a cardinal direction.

Who will win a game of chess?

Who will win a game of chess?
Bush or Osama Bin Laden?

Osama Bin Laden, because bush is missing two towers.

So I was in a hostel playing chess with a European guy when an Aussie comes up and says...

"There's no way you'll win."

"Why?"

"Because he's Czech, mate."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Arguing with an anti-vaxxer is like playing chess with a pigeon...

No matter how good at chess you are, the pigeon will just knock over pieces, shit on the board, and then fly back to its flock to claim victory.

Why can't people in the U.S. play chess?

Because their king is actually a pawn.

Gary kasparov (chess master) was sitting next to me in a plane.

He wanted to play chess with me.
I was like " come on Gary, u r like this world champion player... U will beat me in less than 10 moves. "

Gary replied, " I'll play with my left hand"

" That sounds fair" I said. And we played.
I don't know how but Gary beat me in 7 moves. I was...

How did the austrailian buy his new chess set?

Cheque, mate.

Two old men where sitting at the chess table playing

When one of them moved the queen and said "Check"

"What?"

"Check"

"What do you want me to check?"

"No, I'll pick up the check."

"Did you say you needed to get your hearing checked?"

"Sure, let's play checkers!"



And that's how the poker game tu...

My last trip to Europe reminded me how bad I was at chess

I was beaten by a Czech mate

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boris Spassky was once asked by a reporter, "Which do you prefer: chess or sex?".

Spassky replied, "It very much depends on the position".

America is like a game of chess.

Black always goes second.

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

Being the first to move in chess...

Is white privilege.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man reportedly knocked over a chess table during a tournament using his penis.

People are saying it was a real dick move.

What does an Australian dinner out and a chess match have in common?

The both end with someone saying Cheque Mate!

Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess.

But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a dog are playing chess

A woman walks in and says "holy crap, your dog can play chess?! That's amazing! What a brilliant dog! "


The man says "you think my dog is brilliant? Pffft. Hardly. He's pretty dumb, I've won 19 games out of the 20 we've played."

What did the chess grandmaster do when the big tournament was stressing him out?

He took the knight off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend from work asked if I wanted a chess tournament

I said yes but then he tried to sell me a sculpture of a woman’s tits

An Australian walks into his regular restaurant with his freind from Prague. They order some food and start a game of chess.

As they're finishing their meal, the waiter approaches the Aussie, "Oh hey, who's your friend? Can I get you guys anything else?"

The Aussie plays the final move of the game and says, "Check Mate".

An Australian person went to a chess themed restaurant.

After finishing his meal, he asked the server, “could I get my check mate?”

Finally got a job making chess pieces

I start on nights next week

When I was young, I used to play chess with my father and he always beat me.

Probably because I always won in chess.

The Christmas Chess Tournament

The chess tournament during the Christmas season was pretty well attended, and the players were having a great time. After each pair finished their game, they would go back over it, sometimes involving others and spectators to discuss moves made and moves that should have been made, and the winners ...

Two guys are playing chess.

Two guys are playing chess. After a very long time, one of them says:
"I am waiting for your move."
The other guy replies, angrily: "Why didn't you tell me this two hours ago?"

Over the years, I've realized that life is a lot like chess.

My friends are pros at it, but I'm still the idiot who thinks the knight is called a horse.

Putin been giving Trump lessons on how to play chess

But the only thing Donald could remember was that it's important to block The Queen.

I knew I was playing chess with an Australian...

... he said "checkmate" and then left suddenly.

What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say at the start of a game of chess?

I’ll be black

A computer beat me at chess

But I really got the better of it in boxing.

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