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Substitute Jokes

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I think butter substitutes are better than butter

But only margarinely

As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?

And then I check with the school to find out.

I’m fine with substitute teaching math, science.. even music.

But art class is where I draw the line.

A substitute teacher is calling roll for a class and notices a few kids are missing.

One boy comes in 5 minutes late. The sub asks "Where have you been?". "I was on top of Cherry Hill" responds the boy. The sub marks him late and the boy takes his seat.

Another boy comes in 5 minutes later. The sub asks "Where have you been?". "I was on top of Cherry Hill" responds the boy. T...

Substitute Priest

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the
confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street
and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to
come on over and he'd stay with h...

My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with?

A dog, dogs eat meat

A substitute teacher enters the class and asks:

"What do we call it when a muscle moves in our body involuntarily?"

No answer comes from the students. After waiting for a while the teacher decides to move on with another topic, but he sees a reluctant hand rising from the back row. The teacher tells him to answer. The kid replies:

"...

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What do tofu and a dildo have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Over half the population these days enjoy meat substitutes

Or, as they’re also called, dildos

My sushi preparation class had a kleptomanniac as a substitute teacher

She took roll

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What’s the SFW substitute for “motherfucker” in Alabama?

Uncle

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A substitute teacher gets a job in the city.

In the lesson of the day the the teacher begins talking about farm animals and finds himself having to explain animals the famers keep.

None of the kids have ever seen, much less heard heard a farm animal.

Mr. Jones says, "does anyone know what sound a cow makes?"

Nobody moves...

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Substitute English teacher

An English class for slower students was going through the dictionary as a months-long project, and is hoping to finish “S” soon.

One day the teacher, Mrs Smith, was about to move on to the next page. “Okay, the first word for today is s-“
She stopped mid sentence, froze up with her eyes...

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The English substitute

A school teacher came down with a bad case of the flu and asked the school for a substitute for her class.
The school also had to train a new intern, so they killed two birds with one stone and made the intern take the class.


Problem was though, the intern didn’t know English literatur...

The substitute teacher's eyes were crossed

She couldn't control her pupils.

There was a substitute teacher that was replacing his friend in a rural school.

So the teacher came in and introduced himself. He asked the pupils to introduce themselves and tell the class what is their hobby.



He pointed a kid and asked him the question. He stood up and responded "Hi, my name is Andrew and I love to fish at the lake while watching sunset." The t...

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What does a pokemon trainer use as substitute for viagra?

PP up.

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At school

At school, 5th grade classroom.
The new teacher is asking some questions to the kids just to know them a little better.

T: so, Lucy, tell me about your family.
Lucy: I'm the only child. Dad work in a factory and mom is a housemaid.

T: a typical family... Nice. And what about your...

why did the soy based meat substitute cross the road?

to prove it wasn't chicken

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Whenever I weigh out my butter substitute

I try to get within the Margarine of error

What's heavier, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane ? (Substitute 'litre' for 'gallon' if reading outside of USA)

Water because butane is a lighter fluid

I've perfected an AI as a substitute to a girlfriend.

Every time I try to turn it on I get the silent treatment and there are no output to tell me what's wrong.

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher....

She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is. ...

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A Catholic priest is on vacation so a substitute priest from another parish hears confession.

A Catholic priest is on vacation so a substitute priest from another parish hears confession.

A young woman comes into the confessional box and says:
*"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I lied and also missed the Sunday Mass two times."*

The father answers:
*"Pray three Hail Ma...

A school library in Florida burned to the ground yesterday.

They lost both books.

(This is a retelling of a joke from Alf (substitute Melmac for Florida) but I assume it's much older than that!)

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Why do butter substitutes have such a hard time?

Because they're always being marginalized!

I once had a substitute that had no rules, except for no Smashmouth.

I thought she was kidding, but then I saw her face.

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IAmA teacher, and the other day I messed up by hiring the wrong substitute for my history class.

Whoops, wrong sub.

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Did you know that you can substitute the letter U for a vowel into certain words and it would be pronounced almost the same? For example: replace the E in perk or jerk, the O in work, the I in shirk or Kirk...

And according to my girlfriend, the E in sex!

I’ve noticed a disturbing recent trend of people suggesting that we “eat the rich” and I’d like to remind you all that the rich are people too.

People with lovely soft skin that would make excellent TP substitute, so don’t forget to peel them first!

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One day a teacher was in a coma.

One day a teacher was in a coma. He had to have a substitute take over his position for a while. The substitute was so annoying. He would always wear clothes with jokes on them. They were almost always the same jokes, occasionally with a minor difference. On very rare occasions, there would be new a...

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Hitler dies and goes to hell...

As he arrives, Satan greets him.

"Welcome to hell, Hitler." He says. "You deserve a place here for your actions. I will show you 3 rooms, and you'll have to switch places with the person inside the room. Now, follow me please."

Hitler stays silent and follows Satan. They walk into a co...

The Tale of Greenbeard the Pirate

Greenbeard got his name due his poor table manners and lack of proper beard hygiene, but let's not get into that just now - Greenbeard loved chocolate. He loved chocolate more than jewels. He loved chocolate more than diamonds. He even loved chocolate more than gold - and there isn't anything most p...

Bill was a clerk in a small drugstore,

...........but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Dave, the owner, had had about enough and warned Bill that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and asked Bill for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, Bill coul...

Since it my cake day i tell one of my favorite joke

There was this substitute teacher how had just finished teaching the lesson and was busy getting everyone working and was down to just one student not working and he ask the student why he wasn't working, the student said tell me a joke and i will. And than the teacher waving his hands at the stude...

The minister needed money.

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute...

odd one out.

Which is the odd one out.?

a pound of beef mince.

a pound of soya mince,

or a vibrator.?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.Answer the beef mince, the other two are meat substitutes.

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My favorite joke (its a tad long)

So there's this cardiologist and every night after work he visits his friend Richard that owns a bar. Each time he orders the same drink, an almond daiquiri.
One night the bartender runs out of almond syrup so when the doctor comes for his regular drink the bartender decides to say nothing and...

What's the difference between a Tesla and a porcupine?

The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

[If you own a Tesla, please substitute "Range Rover" or whatever other brand makes you feel better.]

Hookers on Naval Subs

Substitutes.

I miss Hockey, so I decided to watch C-SPAN.

It's a decent substitute.

After all, like in the NHL, the Senators suck.

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They say never to go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.

Of course they also say not to substitute teach when you’re horny.

What's in common between the vibrator and soy

They both try to substitute meat

Kung Fu Panda finally agreed to an exercise-driven weight loss program

So he took up running. But he quickly found out that his jogging shirt irritated his nipples, which sometimes happens due to abrasion. The exercise guide suggested using bandaids as a cushion, but he couldn't find any of those, but he discovered a great substitute:

Post-its.

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What's the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the meat.

Also.....


What's similar between dildo and sushi?

Both are meat substitutes.


K imma go, this has been too meaty.

Dating when your 30 is like finding a seat at a theater one minute before the show.

The perfect seats are already taken by someone who arrived much earlier than you and of the seats available, the ones in the back are an unfulfilling experience, the ones in the front overwhelm you with discomfort, and the ones that are decent substitutes are either broken or next to kids.

It's All About Marketing...;)

A substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, "Little Johhny, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!"

She yells, "Whose Little Johhny?"

A kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Little Johhny."

"Well, Johhny, your s...

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One time in first grade at recess...

I went up to this girl I liked in my class and started talking to her. This lil asshole kid came up and loudly exclaimed "shes MY girlfriend" I was mad so I punched him as hard as I could in the nose. Blood and tears everywhere. In an act of passion I kissed the girl and the other teachers freaked o...

TIL I can be fired for taking blood thinners like my doctor recommended

I also learned whiskey is not an acceptable generic substitute.

(accidentally also posted this in r/funny)

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Two vampires are having dinner at a restaurant.

One of them was rich; the other extremely poor.


The rich vampire ordered for the freshest and finest bottle of blood, and then asked the poor vampire for his order so he could treat him.


The poor vampire refused and ordered for a glass of hot water instead.


"You know...

When I was in college I got my first job as a bartender...

...during orientation the manager told me about some of the regulars including Doctor John. He said Doctor John would come in every Thursday and order the same thing, 2 maple daiquiri's. It was pretty simple to make, some white rum, lime juice and maple syrup.

So my first Thursday shift arri...

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked to find the volume of a red ball.

The mathematician measures its diameter, substitutes it into a formula for volume, and calculates the answer.

The physicist submerges the ball and measures the volume of displaced liquid.

The engineer looks it up in his Handbook on Red Balls.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a Sandy...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a Sandy..I says to him, what the fuck is a Sandy?

He says its a watered down Long Island.

Too soon?

GOB Bluth started his own school for young magicians

For the second class, he decided to teach the children some of the classic transformation illusions. He showed them flowers-to-doves, doves-to-rabbits, and rabbits-to-carp.

Then he showed them carp-to-rats and his most enthusiastic student asked, "Does it have to be carp and rats, Uncle GOB? ...

I was at a gas station...

I was at a gas station filling up my car. Nearby I see a woman smoking a cigarette.

I tell her, “You should stop that it’s dangerous.”

She ignores me and continues smoking.

A few seconds later her arm catches on fire and she starts waving it around trying to put it out.

I...

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A Western Omelet

A retired man walks into his favorite diner after it just reopened from a long COVID-19 shuttering, eager to resume his daily routine of breakfast, coffee and reading the newspaper. A new waitress approaches greets him and explains that new contactless policy that eliminates the old plastic laminate...

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Man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey...

The bartender lines up the 10 shots and the man takes them one after another.
Impressed the bartender inquires, "Whoa! What's the occasion?"
Man says, "My first blowjob."
"That's great! Let me pour you another one on the house."
Man declines, "No thanks. If ten can't get the tas...

Why Businessmen earn more than engineers !

Our mechanic's professor's reasoning of

"Why businessmen earn more than engineers ! "

If we equate the two variables namely into the two field's general statements,

- Time is money
- Knowledge is power

We know,

- Power = Work / Time

Substitute the variab...

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The story of Rolph Louie, the worst basketball player to ever make it to the NBA.

There was once a basketball player named Rolph Louie, who somehow made his way into the Chicago Bulls. This decision to pick up Rolph for the roster made no sense to anybody; it baffled the commentators, the fans and even the players on the team. Rolph could barely dribble a ball...

In 99% of...

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The doctor's daiquiri

A tired young doctor got off a night shift at the hospital and stopped into a bar called "Dick's" across the street for a drink.

"Hey what can I get you?" asked Dick.

"How about a daiquiri?"

The bartender makes a drink and slides it down the bar.

He takes a sip and loves ...

Whose going to know?

There was a pastor at a local church who loved to golf, he would try to golf as much as possible whenever he could. He would always watch out for the weather to check if there were any days for golfing.

Now, it so happened that one of the days was the coming Sunday. So, the pastor called in s...

Miracle cure

A plumber, a violinist, an astronomer and a redneck*, all suffering from various infirmities, were sitting in a convalescent home when suddenly an angel appeared. The angel spoke to them:

"I have come to give you the gift of health! Mr. Plumber, what is your ailment?"
The plumber answered...

A football manager signs his new star...

A manager for a football club signs his new star, a centipede. It’s the debut game for their new club and all the other players are out on the field when the match starts. The team starts conceding goals and is down 5-0 at half time.

During the break, the manager substitutes the centipede o...

Google Pizza

Man: Hello! Gusto Pizza?

Phone: No sir it's Google pizza.

M: Oh sorry, wrong number

P: Sir, Google bought Gusto

M: Oh, may I order?

P: Would you like your usual?

M: My usual? You know my usual?

P: According to our caller ID, your last 10 orders were f...

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Physical Science Test

We had a substitute that day and she was walking around making sure that we weren't on our phones or anything. As I worked my way through the test, I came to the free response questions. The first question was something about projectile motion involving an object fired from a cannon. It said to solv...

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