Swap Jokes - 85 Hilarious Swap Jokes

I swapped the wrappers around on my wife's Halloween candy.

She didn't appreciate the joke at all. Now she's got her Snickers in a Twix over it.

I recently swapped a Sarcophagus for a bottle of Bacardi

Well they certainly gave me a rum for my mummy

The priest angrily asks the altar boy standing two meters away,

"Are you secretly drinking the holy wine?"

The altar boy remains silent. The priest's anger grows.
"I'm asking you! Can't you hear me?"

"No, I can't hear anything from here, Father."

"What do you mean? You're just two steps away and you can't hear me?"

The altar...

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Two men are drinking in a bar

They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.

The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"

So they swapped sandwiches.

My friend and I are gonna try a "wife swap"

I need golf clubs and he's hoping to get a truck

A young widow goes to the funeral parlour to plan her husband's funeral

She met with the mortician who asked her how she wants the body dressed.

"He always looked so good in blue. I want him to be buried in a blue suit."

This posed a problem as he had been delivered to the funeral parlour in the black suit he was wearing when he died. However, the wife was...

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Someone swapped my sleeping tablets for viagra

I’ve been up all night looking for them.

My wife hates it when I swap her chocolate bar wrappers round.

It gets her Snickers in a Twix.

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Two couples decided to swap partners for sex

Two couples decided to swap partners for sex.

Afterwards, one of the guys said," That felt great! I wonder how the girls are doing."

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A male and a female martians swapped partners with an earth couple

The Martian male was fucking the earth female but she told him that his penis was too small so he pulled his left ear and his penis became longer then she told him that it's too thin so he pulled his right ear and his penis became wider and the earth female became very happy. The next night the eart...

Last week I was bored, so I decided to swap around the labels on my wifes spice rack. So far, she hasn't noticed.

Mark my words though, the thyme is cumin.

I swapped the ‘S’ and ‘C’ keys on my entomologist friends keyboard

*heh* try looking up “insect facts” now!

I thought it was romantic to secretly swap my girlfriend's backpack for a bag of roses.

Her skydiving instructor didn't.

I think we should swap the weekend days

Cause Sundays are definitely sadder days.

My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.

I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.

She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.

Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.

Today I swapped all the m and n keys in the office

Everyone will think I’m a nomster

Did you hear about the guy who swapped the labels on the pumps at the gas station?

It was an April Fuels joke.

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I got chatting to this girl online once, we swapped nudes.

"Ja Ja Ja!" she wrote.

"Oh, you're German?" I asked.

My face when she wrote "Spanish"

You can buy, sell, or swap just about anything on the Gumtree website. I recently got a motorbike for my wife

Good trade, would recommend, 10/10

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Martian wife swap

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock-market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up th...

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Dave cannot make his wife cum.

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get some air-con"

"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"

"Well, Dave, do you h...

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A human couple meets an alien couple

So naturally, they decide it would be fun to swap partners. The alien woman goes off with the human man and the alien man goes off with the human woman. The alien man and human woman get undressed and he asks her, "Is it long enough?" She replies, "It could be a bit longer I suppose." So the alien m...

I took my old countertop to a swap meet.

After remodeling my kitchen, I had no use for it and was looking for a trade. It wasn't very long before I was approached by a young couple.

"Wow, that countertop is gorgeous!" says the guy. "I must have it. I will trade you my girlfriend."

His girlfriend was stunning. "Are you sur...

I swapped all the labels around on my wife's spice rack.

She hasn't realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin.

You swap the order of the lines around.

How do you tell a joke badly on purpose?

I took my wife to a wife swapping party last night...

I took my wife to a wife swapping party last night, I did quite well, I got a set of socket spanners for her.

Two couples decide to swap partners for the evening.

Couple 1: “Oh my goodness Morgan I’m so glad we swapped tonight. I needed this freak night”. “Me too Dale. Let’s go see how the girls did!”

So yea, swapping the names on the tombstones...

Was a grave idea...

Did you hear about the Dutch painter that swapped a Hemi into his Chrysler Voyager?

Everyone in town said, "Look at Vincent's van go!"

A Man swapped places with his wife to see what she did all day

A Man was constantly grumbling about how he had to work all day to provide for his family while his wife stayed home and did nothing.

God offered him a chance to swap places with his wife for a couple of days to see what it's like to be a woman, and he happily agreed.

First day of the...

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A blonde and a redhead are swapping sex stories

The blonde says "I got with a guy in the park last night." to which the redhead replied "Thats nothing, I got with two Brazilian guys last night." The blonde replies in amazement, "Oh wow, I didn't know there were that many guys."

Boss asked me to swap the first half of the brochure with the second.

I was like, sure bro.

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Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the doctor.

After tests the doctor suggests that Paddy's wife might be over heating during sex. Paddy doesn't own a fan so he asks his mate around to waft a towel over them during sex. After 20 minutes of wafting and still no orgasm, his friend suggests a swap. I'll fuck her and you waft the towel. Paddy agrees...

I swapped our bed out for a trampoline...

When my wife found out, she really hit the roof.

I've really enjoyed the benefits of wife swapping recently...

Got a brand new motorbike for her yesterday

over the weekend I've trained my wife to swap discs for me in my PS4....

what a game changer

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This girl sometimes swaps out her bra for her huge pet snake to cover her breasts

It's a cobra

What kind of guns do you find at the flea market/swap meet?

Bar-guns

If your girlfriend and your sister swapped bodies, which one would you sleep with?

Trick question, they're the same person.

The Pope is visiting Canada.

After completing his visit, the Canadian government gives him a chauffeur-driven car to see the natural beauty of Canada. After 20 kilometers through Canada, he says to the driver:

"Oh, let me get behind the wheel. I'm from the narrow Papal States, and I always have to sit in the back of the...

I went to a wife swapping party the other night.

Came back with a great stereo.

Startup idea: A robotic arm that automatically swaps out your NES cartridges for you.

Sure, you say it's a ludicrous idea, that it wouldn't have worked even if it was 30 years ago, the market doesn't exist, it's doomed to fail, etc.

But I'm telling you, it's gonna be a game changer.

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A chicken farmer goes to the swap meet in the morning to buy a new rooster for his farm.

He finds a very impressive cock and buys it. He brings the rooster home and before lunch time, that darn rooster had screwed every chicken on the farm. The farmer couldn't believe it. After lunch, that rooster had gone and screwed every chicken on the farm again.

As the sun was about to s...

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A young good looking woman married an old man.

The marriage was pretty good except for the bedroom. The old man just couldn’t please her. One day they decided to go to the doctor.

The woman told the doctor:
“No matter how long or often we try, he just can’t please me.”

The doctor said:
“I have a solution for your problem. Yo...

I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger if he wanted to swap over to windows 10..

He said 'I still love Vista, Baby.'

Why did snoop dogg swap his pimp cane for a umbrella?

Fo' drizzle

Did you hear about the surgeon who accidentally swapped his tools with the hospital handyman’s?

His last surgery was gut wrenching.

I've just been to the shops and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas.

I can't believe the currant exchange rate!

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Two couples are getting bored with their sex lives, so they decide to swap partners

After a night of wild passionate sex, Mike wakes up, rolls over, kisses his new lover, and says, "Last night was absolutely mind-blowing! Come on. Let's go see how the ladies made out."

Little known Christmas fact #37: Due to the hot weather throughout the Middle East, Santa unhitches Rudolph and the crew and swaps to...

Bahrain deer.

An older Russian joke, feel free to swap the leaders' names

Leonid Brezhnev is visiting Jimmy Carter in Washington DC.
Upon arriving in the oval office he is surprised by the luxury and asks:
"The Soviet people would love to know how can your government afford such niceties in the middle on an oil crisis."
Carter responds with "Walk to the win...

Correct Change

Two counterfeiters are making some fake bills. They've had a few drinks, so quality control is a little off. They accidentally make a whole stack of $15 bills.

"What the hell are we gonna do now? We wasted all this time and resources making these" one of them says.

"I know", ...

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New Anal Covid Test;

Put one finger in your mouth,
The other in your ass,
Count to 10,
Swap fingers, and if you can't smell or taste the difference,
Isolate.

I really do wish Marvel would re-release The Avengers with Clark Gregg and Samuel L. Jackson swapping roles...

Black Coulson, wontcha come...

Breaking: Brittany Griner

Brittany Griner has just been swapped for arms dealer Viktor Bout.

Both have roughly the same shooting %

Have you heard about the device that automatically swaps out Xbox discs for you?

It's a game changer.

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

The Wrong Suits

Mr. Smith and Mr. Jones died on the same day. No problem for the mortuary, they had two chapels and could do two funerals at the same time.

Mrs. Smith wanted her husband buried in his gray suit, Mrs Jones wanted her husband buried in his blue pinstripe suit. Shortly before the services t...

a man was driving his Tesla when

an old truck forced him to stop

after greetings, the truck driver suggested that they swap their cars

"are you out of your mind, who would ever want to swap a new beautiful eco-friendly Tesla with a loud old smoking truck ?"

"you don't und...

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Three construction workers are eating lunch on a beam of a 50 story building...

First guy looks in his lunch box. "Tuna again. If I have to eat this shit one more time, I'm gonna kill myself."

Second guy looks in his lunch box. "Egg salad again. If I gotta eat this shit one more time, I'm gonna kill myself, too."

Third guy looks in his lunch box. "Goddamn bologna....

2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches.

The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!"

The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches.

I heard R Kelly is appealing his 30 year sentence.

Said he is gonna try to swap it for two 15's

Season ticket

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.

"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not look...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.

Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

A young man took a girl out on their first date to see a movie.

A young man took a girl out on their first date to see a movie. A few minutes into the movie, he asked her, "Can you see OK there?"

"Yes," she answered, "I can see fine, thanks."

A few seconds later, he asked, "Is your seat comfortable?"

"Yes," she replied, "it's very comfortab...

I got a puppy for my daughter...

Good swap if you ask me.

Donald Trump is with his driver and he is on the way to an important meeting. He's running a bit late.

Trump: can you please speed up a little, the meeting will start shortly and we're quite far away
The driver : I can't really Mr President, I am sticking to the limit. Also, we're in the middle of the city and the roads look quite busy. I don't want to put people's safety at risk.
Trump : I kn...

A bereaved widow goes to view her husband's body in the mortuary....

The mortuary assistant opens the casket, and bows his head solemnly. Upon seeing her husband, the widow starts crying huge tears and wailing loudly. The assistant quickly moves to comfort her.

Still wailing, the widow explains that she can't bear to see her husband wearing a suit. In life he ...

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To your Mom

There was a soldier sleeping and he saw his dead mom in his dream telling him, if the commander asks you to jump with parachute, try to avoid it as it will fail to open.
So the next morning all the soldiers get ready and as it happens the commander tells that the next duty that is jumping with pa...

A rich guy and a poor guy were having lunch togheter

The rich guy was eating a delicious fancy meal while the poor guy only had slop.

**Poor guy**: "Hey, wanna swap ?"

**Rich guy**: "Why would I trade my delicacy for your slop ?"

**Poor guy**: "This isn't ordinary slop, it's a secret family recipe. Whoever eats it becomes smarter....

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[NSFW] A priest and an old blind woman who plays the church organ, are preparing for the weekly sermon.

Every week, the organ player eats a banana to keep her energy up before the crowds arrive, but she always seems to have terrible trouble peeling it.

The priest sees an opportunity and decides to swap the banana for his penis. The organ player grabs his tackle and starts fondling it.

...

The pound is way more fun than the zoo

They swap out the animals every week!

An old lady in London...(a true story)

Around a week ago I was waiting in queue behind an old lady at KFC. She placed her order, paid in cash, and all was well until she received one of those new plastic £5 notes as change from the cashier.

She vocally expressed her dislike about the presence of animal products in the new £5 bills...

I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.

I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.

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Two Cows

**Edit: Just to make it clear, I am not taking credit for the joke(s). I just merely found it/them whilst browsing around and thought you guys would appreciate it/them.**

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM

You have 2...

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Two lawyers walk into a restaurant.

They put their briefcases on the floor and order two coffees. They get their coffee and pull out lunches from their briefcases.

"Sorry," the waitress says, "You can`t eat your own food here."

The lawyers look at one another, shrug their shoulders and swap sandwiches.

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Public Health England.

Due to the shortage of lateral flow tests available the government are going to introduce a new '1 minute self diagnostic' process.

You put one finger in your mouth, and one up your ass.

After 60 seconds swap fingers, if you can't smell or taste the difference, Isolate.

Rearrange the letters PNEIS ...

**When I was young I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.**

**One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when it is erect. Those who answered SPINE are doctors tod...

How many /r/jokes Redditor's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Doesn't matter. They'll just keep swapping them out for old ones.

OBGYN turns car mechanic (probably my favorite joke of all times)

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided a career change was in order. Being an automotive enthusiast, he felt he should become a car mechanic.
He read and studied hard, and then came the day of the official exam.
Scores range between 40 and 100, where 60 is enough to pass the ex...

Barman: "Would you like a beer for your wife?"

"That sounds like a fair swap"

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A punjabi joke (NSFW) Long

An punjabi paratrooper’s mum has a dream that his son’s parachute doesn’t open and he falls to his death. She pleads with him to not go to work today. He says “Mum ! I can’t just not turn up, it’s army after all . I will however request my sergeant to spare me the jump today”

As planned he a...

I have a 24 pack of Aldi toilet rolls

Looking to swap for a 4 bedroom house

What's the difference between a fancy dinner party and cannibalism?

Swapping an "I" for and "O".

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Two couples in their 50’s...

Hang out every Saturday night; having dinner, playing cards and drinking wine. One night they decide to change things up and book a trip to Mexico.

While in Mexico the two husbands, drunk on tequila, decide to REALLY change things up and swap wives for the night. One says to the other “but w...

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