Two couples decide to swap partners for the evening.

Couple 1: “Oh my goodness Morgan I’m so glad we swapped tonight. I needed this freak night”. “Me too Dale. Let’s go see how the girls did!”

You swap the order of the lines around.

How do you tell a joke badly on purpose?

Startup idea: A robotic arm that automatically swaps out your NES cartridges for you.

Sure, you say it's a ludicrous idea, that it wouldn't have worked even if it was 30 years ago, the market doesn't exist, it's doomed to fail, etc.



But I'm telling you, it's gonna be a game changer.

What kind of guns do you find at the flea market/swap meet?

Bar-guns

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Three construction workers are eating lunch on a beam of a 50 story building...

First guy looks in his lunch box. "Tuna again. If I have to eat this shit one more time, I'm gonna kill myself."

Second guy looks in his lunch box. "Egg salad again. If I gotta eat this shit one more time, I'm gonna kill myself, too."

Third guy looks in his lunch box. "Goddamn bologna....

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Alien Wife Swap

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.

"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples...

I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger if he wanted to swap over to windows 10..

He said 'I still love Vista, Baby.'

over the weekend I've trained my wife to swap discs for me in my PS4....

what a game changer

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Two couples decided to swap partners for sex

Two couples decided to swap partners for sex.

Afterwards, one of the guys said," That felt great! I wonder how the girls are doing."

Have you heard about the device that automatically swaps out Xbox discs for you?

It's a game changer.

Why did snoop dogg swap his pimp cane for a umbrella?

Fo' drizzle

A young man took a girl out on their first date to see a movie.

A young man took a girl out on their first date to see a movie. A few minutes into the movie, he asked her, "Can you see OK there?"

"Yes," she answered, "I can see fine, thanks."

A few seconds later, he asked, "Is your seat comfortable?"

"Yes," she replied, "it's very comfortab...

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While shopping in a huge suburban mall, a man gets separated from his wife...

He starts wandering around looking in each shop, trying to locate her. As he's scanning the crowd he notices another guy who seems as lost as he is.

He asks the guy, "Are you lost, buddy?" The guy says, "Not really, I'm trying to find my wife."

"What a coincidence so am I. Let's swap w...

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Two couples in their 50’s...

Hang out every Saturday night; having dinner, playing cards and drinking wine. One night they decide to change things up and book a trip to Mexico.

While in Mexico the two husbands, drunk on tequila, decide to REALLY change things up and swap wives for the night. One says to the other “but w...

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Two couples are getting bored with their sex lives, so they decide to swap partners

After a night of wild passionate sex, Mike wakes up, rolls over, kisses his new lover, and says, "Last night was absolutely mind-blowing! Come on. Let's go see how the ladies made out."

There was once a crafty carnival worker.

At a local state fair, he created a new spin on the classic "Guess Your Weight" game. Folks would step up to the booth, point to one of his sheep, and try to determine how much the sheep weighed.

Of course, with the amount of wool varying from sheep to sheep, most guesses weren't even close,...

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Man farts in bad says "1-0"

Woman farts in bed and says "1-all"



Man farts and says "2-1"



Woman farts and says "2-all"



Man farts, follows trough and shit the bad



Woman says, "what the fuck was that?"



Man says, "half time, swap sides"

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A Farmer and his wife...

A farmer and his wife were sitting on the front porch enjoying the cool summer evening, when a flying saucer lands in the front yard, a door drops down, an Martian man and woman step off the spacecraft and introduce themselves to the country couple, after a long evening of enjoyable conversation the...

2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches.

The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!"

The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches.

An older Russian joke, feel free to swap the leaders' names

Leonid Brezhnev is visiting Jimmy Carter in Washington DC.
Upon arriving in the oval office he is surprised by the luxury and asks:
"The Soviet people would love to know how can your government afford such niceties in the middle on an oil crisis."
Carter responds with "Walk to the win...

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Paddy's Wife

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so they decide to go to the doctors.
After tests, the doctor suggests that Paddy's wife may be overheating during sex.
Paddy refuses to purchase a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during intercourse. After 20 minutes of wafting ...

Barman: "Would you like a beer for your wife?"

"That sounds like a fair swap"

A doctor has a friend, who one day admits he has recently become a vampire...

Having been friends since childhood, the doctor does not immediately dismiss the vampire. Instead, he offers to help.

“I have access to the blood bank at the hospital. If I fudge a few numbers I can sneak some out to help keep you fed, without hurting anyone”

The vampire thanks him an...

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Dave cannot make his wife cum.

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get some air-con"

"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"

"Well, Dave, do you h...

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A couple is having sex...

A couple is having sex. Him on top and her under him. She suddenly starts to search for something in his hair and he asks her "Darling.? What are you doing?" "I'm looking for your horns because you're doing it like a devil" she replies. After some time they swap places (now her on top and he under h...

While mowing his lawn, a man is approached by his neighbor.

The neighbor says "my wife Susan has been watching you mow the lawn, and likes what she sees. How about you and I swap wives tonight?"

"Absolutely not!" replies the man, indignantly, and walks away in a huff.

Later that day, the man is talking with another neighbor, and warns him of t...

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[NSFW] A priest and an old blind woman who plays the church organ, are preparing for the weekly sermon.

Every week, the organ player eats a banana to keep her energy up before the crowds arrive, but she always seems to have terrible trouble peeling it.

The priest sees an opportunity and decides to swap the banana for his penis. The organ player grabs his tackle and starts fondling it.

...

What do you call an all male orgy?

A Swap Meat

A displeased customer walks in to a store.

A displeased customer walks in to a store.

"I'd like to return a broken boomerang which you have sold to me."

"Of course, no problem, we'll swap it for a new one. But, where is it?"

"Good question!"

A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair.

The chemist was brought forward first. "Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.

No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and nothing happened. Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner is to be released, so the che...

An old lady in London...(a true story)

Around a week ago I was waiting in queue behind an old lady at KFC. She placed her order, paid in cash, and all was well until she received one of those new plastic £5 notes as change from the cashier.

She vocally expressed her dislike about the presence of animal products in the new £5 bills...

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Two Cows

**Edit: Just to make it clear, I am not taking credit for the joke(s). I just merely found it/them whilst browsing around and thought you guys would appreciate it/them.**



SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour



COMMUNISM

You have 2...

What did one paedophile say to the other?

Swap you two fives for a ten

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Guinness Book of World Records

Recently I took a stroll through the forest when I met three dwarves. They started bragging:
"I bet I have the worlds smallest hands" said the first dwarf, the second dwarf said "I have the world smallest feet" and the last one claimed that he had the smallest dick on the planet.
I told them t...

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A flying saucer lands in the middle of a farm one evening...

The farmer and his wife witness the landing and decide to investigate, discovering a male and female Martian couple aboard the craft. Being friendly, the farm couple invites the Martians to dinner back at the farmhouse.

One glass of wine turns into several, the conversation turns raunchy, and...

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My girlfriend told me we were going to have sex like an rpg tonight...

She played the boss character, and I was the adventurer. Unfortunately though it appeared I was under level, so I ended up having to swap out with another member of my party.

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One goes East, one goes West...

It is a Friday night, and everyone is heading home for the weekend. An Army Sergeant leaves the base late, heading west for his home. Across town, at another base, an Air Force Sergeant also leaves late, heading east.

The snow starts blowing, and the sun sets. On the highway, both Sergeants ...

An elderly couple die in a car wreck and appear at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter greets them and invites them in.

He takes them to a nearby car lot and tells them to choose a car. The old man says, "I can't afford any of those cars." St. Peter tells him not to worry about it, because it's Heaven and the cars are there for his use...Ferrari, Bentley, Mercedes......

TIFU by rear ending a car over the holiday weekend

In most states, it's against the law to text and drive and sure enough I was trying to do one of those quick replies to a text I just received by holding the phone down and out of sight.

As fate would have it, the car in front of me stopped short and given I was looking down for that brief ...

A man walks into a Lada dealership

... and says, "I'd like a hubcap for my Lada," so the dealer says: " that sounds like a fair swap."

I got a puppy for my daughter...

Good swap if you ask me.

John grew up on a farm

John grew up on a farm in a small town away from the hustle and bustle of the city. His whole life he has been a huge fan of tractors, his curtains and carpets had tractor patterns on, there were posters of John Deere's covering his walls, he even had his parents buy him a waffle maker that makes wa...

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Dogs have a sixth sense.

A Man is hanging out by the river, watching people walk across a bridge, when a little shaggy dog walks up to him. Out of nowhere, the dog says

“Hey, did you know that we dogs have a sixth sense?”
“Really?” The man says
“Sure. That’s how we know when there are storms coming. That’s how...

A pair of twins have a deal...

They constantly get in trouble with the law for various reasons and are frequently thrown in jail. They don't like staying in jail for too long, so they made a deal: if only one of the twins is arrested and imprisoned, the other twin will sneak in and swap places with them when they have spent half ...

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Bill Clinton and The Pope

Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to sp...

The pope is riding in the back seat of a limo.

The pope asks the driver "Would you mind if I sat up in the front seat next to you?"

The driver agrees "Yes, of course, but why wouldn't you want to sit back there?"

"Because people always treat me too well and I would just like a little bit of change for once."

The driver stopp...

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Alien Sex

An alien couple come down to earth and goes to a swingers party.

They swap partners and go to their respective bedrooms. The alien takes off his clothes revealing a one inch cock.

The human woman says, "I'm not impressed with this at all."

The alien then twists his right ear ...

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First "Contact"

In the years that followed first contact between humanity and an alien race, individuals from both species took steps to integrate their two cultures. At one of several social conventions held to further this goal, a human couple and an alien couple meet and discuss their common traits. They eventua...

What r/Jokes could become.

There was a large group of comedians who met every week to share jokes and swap tips and stories. However, after some time of this, they all knew every one each others' jokes by memory, and seeing each person stand on stage an tell the whole joke over and over, week after week, became quite tedious....

The VW Genie

A man was driving his brand new Rolls Royce. At the signal this beaten up Beetle stops next to him, and tells him "Nice car! I'm willing to swap you with my car for a $1,000,000"
The rich guy looks at him and says "why would I want your car?"
At this point the VW's driver rubs the steering whe...

Old man and the sperm sample.

An old man visits his doctor for a full check up. His doctor asks for a sperm sample, and hands him a plastic cup to take home.

When he gets home he tries, with no luck, so he swaps to his left hand. Still no luck.

He calls his wife Edith over to help. She tries too, and with her left...

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A farmer couple is visited by aliens

Two space aliens, a male and a female, land their ship in the middle of a farm and meet the husband and wife who own it. They start talking and the farmers put them up in their house for a few weeks. They exchange stories about culture and technology. On the last night before the aliens depart, the ...

a jewish boy and a maffia dons' son decide to trade birthday gifts

the Jewish boy has a rolex watch, the maffia dons' son has a Beretta. they both decide the other has the better gift so they swap gifts and go home. the jewish father finds the Beretta and says " what is this? this is not good, this is not good!"

the mafia don finds the rollex watch and ...

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Sacrilegious ad-man

Father Bill is down at his local pub one night when he runs into Don, an old friend from school. They start talking old times and eventually Don brings the conversation around to the fact that Bill seems to be a man of the cloth.

"You see Bill, I'm actually in advertising, and I've been worki...

I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.

I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.

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Martian Sex

For an experiment on the effects of deep space travel on romantic relationships, NASA sends a married couple to explore Mars.

After the couple lands on Mars they begin exploring the surface. To their surprise they bump into a pair of Martians. The Martians looked just humans, except they're g...

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The UFO landed in the trailer park...

...in front of Mr. and Mrs. Willfart, relaxing in their lawn chairs. They all started talking about their cultural differences etc. until they came to sex. Offering to swap "wives", the woman was lead off by the male alien. After starting, the alien asked "Is it good?". Mrs. Willfart replies "I ...

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