UPJOKE

Everyone Else Jokes

I called Shotgun long before everyone else, but still had to sit in the backseat.

I hate cops.

A man walks into a bar, and orders 10 times the amount of drinks as everyone else.

The barman says "now *that's* an order of magnitude!"

In the end I went to the port along with everyone else.

I gave in to pier pressure.

What is the difference between Trump supporters and everyone else?

Trump supporters vote

If there's one thing I'm better at than everyone else...

It's humility.

What's the danger of power walking faster than everyone else?

You might start power tripping.

Oh no the apocalypse is here! I’ve already killed 12 zombies! How’s everyone else doing? Also one question.

Does anyone know why they all have bags of candy?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's boomers, millennials then GenZ so what's the next generation going to be?

Fucked.

Jim walked into a bar....

Jim, walked into a bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bartender

”Please give me a plate of chicken wings and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, cause when I eat,
I want everyone to eat!”

The bartender complies, by giving Jim a plate of chicken wings and eve...

My six fingered friend doesn't understand why everyone else is okay with only having 5 fingers.

He feels that it's an odd number.

Doctors at euthanasia clinics think they are better than everyone else

They are are always putting someone down.

When I was younger I thought wearing glasses meant you were smarter than everyone else...

...now I realize those are the people who would get killed in the wild.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Im anti-Vaxx and im confused on why everyone else is not...

Vaccines are the leading cause in adult-Hood, and those little fuckers are annoying.

Prince Philip turns up to a political event 20 minutes before everyone else

and the doorman says

“Blimey Phil, you’re early”

And Philip replies “Actually Bob, I think I’m more dukey”

I put my pants on just like everyone else

in your mom’s bedroom in the morning

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

Reddit, what's a joke you ABSOLUTELY HATE but everyone else seems to love?

Mine is that old binary one -

"There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't."

Well DUR HUR HUR, congratulations on counting to two. Being a timid person, I just chuckle and seethe on the inside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Rednecks are eating in a fancy restaurant....

Suddenly, the woman sitting at the next table starts choking and gasping for air. Everyone else around just sits there watching, but one of the Rednecks JUMPS up, grabs the woman and yanks her out of the chair. He then pulls her dress up over her head, yanks her panties down and runs his tongue up t...

Unlike everyone else, I’m not worried about losing my job to robots.

They are yet to come up with a machine that does nothing.

Oh No! Not ELON!

Man is driving along the freeway when he is stopped by a huge traffic jam.

After sitting there for quite a long time, he sees another man walking from car-to-car.

The second man finally gets up to his car. He rolls down the window....

"Hey man, what's going on up ahead?"
...

What was the name of King Arthur's faithful sidekick who would go through the castle in the evening reading stories and tucking everyone else into bed?

Knighty Knight

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you ...

One day at school the lad who sat next to me swallowed his calculator. I stood up for him when everyone else said he was a weirdo. I told them, "He may be a bit weird,

but it's what's inside him that counts!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gambler dies and goes to Heaven...

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on t...

Kids are like farts...

I hate everyone elses but for some weird reason I like my own.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm a virgin by choice.

Not my choice, but everyone else's.

A bus full of ugly people unexpectedly crashes and kills everyone on board

Everyone shows up at the Gates of Heaven where God comes to meet them all Himself.

"Gee guys, I didn't intend for that to happen, I'm really sorry. I can't just resurrect you all, but to make up for it I'll grant you all one wish before I let you in."

The first person steps up and thin...

An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut and he tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if ...

The Queen of France is asked by her chef what she would like her and the rest of the court to eat for dinner

"I would like to eat cheese", she said.

"Which kind of cheese?", asked the chef?

"I would like soft French cheese with garlic and herbs", replied the queen. "And there is one more thing I must insist on".

"Anything my Queen. What is it?", replied the chef.

"It is very im...

A blonde girl called Jenny came skipping home after school.

"Mommy mommy! Today in school, everyone else only counted to 5, but I counted to 10!"

The mom replies, "That's great honey!"

Jenny then asks, "Is it because I'm blonde?"

"Yes sweetie" says the mom.

The next day, Jenny comes home skipping and calling out "Mommy mommy! To...

For the first time in history, a US president haven't grown old, gray haired and tired by the stressful tasks of his presidency ...

... Instead everyone else did.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decides to kill her self

She has had enough. Everyone is seeing her as a object and wants to have sex with her. So she jumps out of the 5th floor.

A man in the 4th floor sees her falling and catches her.

"What do you think you're doing?", he says, "Life is good. We can go to cinema. We can have some Ice Cream...

Did you hear apple is making an electric car?

Only problem is you have to buy an adapter to charge it at the station everyone else uses

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man answers the phone, puts it on speaker, and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "...

They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket.

They lied, everyone else has clothes on.

When you are dead

Everyone else around you feels pain except you. Same case applies when you're stupid.

I shot my first Thanksgiving turkey this year.

Scared the hell out of everyone else in the grocery store.

I heard that in the States that snitches get stitches...

And everyone else has to wait 3 months in urgent care

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill are two employees of a bottled water company. Business hasn't been too good lately, so the boss decides he needs to fire one of them.

The first day, he keeps an eye on Jack.

Jack comes in early, goes straight to his desk and gets to work. He works solidly all through the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cab driver picks up a Nun...

The driver looks in the rear view mirror and says, "Excuse me sister, I've always fantasised about having sex with a nun."

The nun replies, "Yeah, you and everyone else. Tell me are you a Catholic?"

"Actually I am" says the cabbie.

The nun then climbs into the front seat and giv...

I got an invite to a wedding that said “black tie only”...

...But when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady took her awful grandkids to the Grand Canyon.

These kids were the worst. Constantly fighting, constantly screaming, constantly doing things they shouldn't, actively trying to piss off everyone else. Finally they sent her over the edge. >!Those kids are stronger than they look.!<

Why is the USA like a horoscope?

Because it's always telling everyone else what to do, and it's nearly always wrong.

My ex-girlfriend reminds me so much of Rapunzel...

Except Rapunzel lets her hair down while my ex lets everyone else in her life down

An Australian is driving all over Texas, fast and reckless.

He's streaking down highways, taking curves too fast and just generally being a danger to himself and everyone else on the road.

Finally, a state trooper catches up to him and gets him to pull over. "Drivin' a little crazy there, friend," says the trooper. "You come here to die?"

The A...

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub

The Englishman decides to leave and drags everyone else out with him.

A Man goes to a bar with his friend at his friend favourite bar after they are few drinks down someone yells 26

Everyone starts laughing including his friend and this guy is confused he asks his friend what's happening before his friend can answer someone else shouts 94 everyone including his friend is in splits now the guy starts getting really confused. After few moments of silence someone says 153 eve...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey, that he entered it in the race again and it won again.


The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
...

Terrorists

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Cars were at a stand still. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and t...

skipping church

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally
beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he
told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass
for him that day.

As soon as the Associate ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The rash on Frank's bum

Frank: I showed my doctor a rash on my bum yesterday, and he was all embarrassed and uncomfortable.

Bill: That's very unprofessional, what did he say?

Frank: He told me to make an appointment like everyone else, and said he was never going to shop in Walmart again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"What a lovely pair of Blue Tits" said one Bird Watcher to the other

"Will you please shut up!" shouted everyone else at the Avatar 2 screening

Why is a seal with just one fin safe to swim in shark infested waters?

Like everyone else, sharks know that if the seal is broken the food isn't safe to consume!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paratrooper's First Jump NSFW

A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news.

"So, did ...

An Brit, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and a Texan are in a flight when one of the plane's engines fails.

The crew throw all the luggage on the plane off to lighten the load, but they are still too heavy. The pilot goes on the intercom and says that 3 people need to jump off the plane to save everyone else. The Brit stands up and says, "God save the king!" before jumping to his death. Next, the Frenchma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A prostitute and Santa Claus

A prostitute walks into a bar and orders a glass of wine. "So, what did you ask Santa for this year?" the bartender asks. "$30," the prostitute replies, "just like everyone else."

Every Christmas, my mom sends me out on a wild goose chase whilst she wraps all the presents, but I told her that this was the last time.

I don't care what she says, next year we're having store bought turkey like everyone else.

Jesus requested a pitcher of water so that he might turn it into wine

Peter said "Lord, why can't you buy a round like everyone else?"

Communism jokes are just not funny

Unless everyone else get them.

The Blonde Convention

Once, there was a huge meeting of all of the blondes in the world. They had heard all of the jokes and wanted to prove once and for all that they were not as stupid as the jokes made them seem. They all chose one of them, who they all thought was the smartest to answer one question. She went up to t...

A boy wants to ask a girl to prom, and he really likes her so he goes all out...

He goes to the florist to buy some flowers, but the line is out the door. He thinks, "that's okay, she's worth it," and waits an hour in the flower line.

Next he goes to the candy store to get some really nice chocolates and again, the line is absurdly long. Again he thinks, "that's okay, I'...

A man comes out of an antique shop with a priceless grandfather clock

As he is struggling to move the heavy object, a drunken man comes stumbling down the street. The drunken man bumps into the clock. The clock tips over, hits the ground, and breaks into pieces. The man who bought the clock says “Hey man! Why don’t you watch where the hell you’re walking!?” And the dr...

My wife is the only one I’ve been with

Everyone else is a nine or a ten.

~Dan Mintz~

How do you find a velociraptor?

By taking the integral of the acceleraptor!

Me: http://imgur.com/H8rLjub

Everyone else: http://imgur.com/J3hC4Ci

A stutterer in a boat.

A stutterer along with his friends went for fishing on boat.

While everything was going peacefully, suddendly the stutterer starting screamin sh-sh-sh-sh-sh...The others didn't understand what he wanted to say, but nonetheless he screamed sh-sh-sh-sh louder.But then they heard something. It w...

When I die I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like grandpa...

Not kicking and screaming like everyone else in the car he was driving.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Swearing for the first time

A 5 yr old was in his room with his 3 yr old brother. He says "Charlie, I think we should start swearing.. If everyone else can do it, so can we". So they go downstairs to breakfast, where their mother is waiting for them. She asks what they would like for breakfast. The 5 yr old says "Coco pops, bi...

I always used to lick the bowl clean.

Until my parents told me to flush it like everyone else.

A boy asks a girl to the prom and she says yes.

He goes to organise a limo at the rental limo place and due to everyone else wanting a limo for the prom he has to wait in line for ages to get one.

He then goes to the flower store to buy her some flowers but again everyone is there buying flowers and he's stuck in line for seems like hours....

My wife's a pleaser

My wife loves to help others, even when someone doesn't appreciate her. I told her one evening she should quit trying to please everyone else all of the time. Her reply was, "But I wouldn't get anything else done if I'm just pleasing myself all the time." Damn I love that woman.

Why is it so hard for me to get karma?

Apparently for everyone else, it's a piece of cake.

(It is my understanding that you must post something on your cake day).

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Farmers, a Pig and a Monkey

Three Farmers are raising a pig for the fair, trying to put their brains together to beat everyone else out. One of them gets the idea to put a cork in its butt, "if it can't poop it will get huge!" So they do this, and when the fair comes it's the biggest pig the county has ever seen and they win. ...

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes...

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each, before they are given their lives back.

They're all lined up, and God asks the f...

A mathematician walked into a bar...

A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender to give him ten times as much as everyone else there.
So the bartender replies: "Now that is an order of magnitude."

(I didn't come up with this myself; I saw it somewhere and decided to put it here.)

What do farts and children have in common?

You love your own, but hate everyone else's.

Reminder

Dear Mr Putin,

As a quick reminder, the Geneva convention is not intended as a checklist.

Sincerely yours,

Everyone else

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he sai...

I decided to turn off the overhead fan because I was getting cold…

I don’t know why everyone else on the helicopter is freaking out so much!

I've realized that Children are like farts

You don't mind them when they're your own

But everyone else's are disgusting.

Catholics fail trigonometry because they're afraid of sin

Irish people fail trigonometry because they can't tan.

Everyone else fails trigonometry just cos.

There are two great financial geniuses in the Bible

One was Noah, who floated his stock while everyone else had to go into liquidation.

The other one was pharaoh's daughter, who went to the bank of the Nile and drew out a prophet.

This corona virus is a lot like my girlfriend....

It came for everyone else but me.

I was just diagnosed as colorblind

It seemed obvious to everyone else but I guess I never connect the dots.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.