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Estate Agent Jokes

The estate agent led me through the impressive property.

"Do you think I could convert this bedroom into a second bathroom?" I asked.

"Of course!" he grinned. "I don't see why not."

"Excellent," I replied, pulling down my trousers, "you might want to look the other way."

An armed robber rushes into an estate agents and yelled....

"NOBODY MOVE"

Why do real estate agents put their picture on business cards, Facebook pages, web sites, billboards, bus stops, postcards, vehicle wraps, yard signs, and printed ads?

So you’ll know what they looked like 10 years ago.

What does a british real estate agent care most about?

His proper tea

I was watching the Super Bowl at my friends house when my real estate agent called me...

Told me some of my property had burned down.

In both cases, Mahomes' on fire.

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his real estate agent to his bedside. “Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, “I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.”

“Well, since we’re confiding in each other,” said the doctor, “I on...

How are bats like real-estate agents?

It’s all echo-location location location

What's an estate agents favourite hot beverage?

Proper tea

I started to get really worried about climate change when I was house shopping and my real estate agent used the phrase:

“Potential Water Front Property”

What did the depressed rural estate agent do?

Sell farm

What's a real estate agents favorite song?

For lease navidad

The Exorcist

A family is looking to buy a house and as they are looking around they see a big stain on the ceiling and ask the real estate agent about it.

"See, a few months ago there was a family living here and this room belonged to a little girl who was possessed and a priest performed an exorcism in h...

How to tell an estate agent is lying?

Their lips will be moving.

LAWYERS DON'T LIE

A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy ...

My job is selling houses in places like Narnia, Middle-Earth, Neverland, Oz and Wonderland.

I’m a Not Real Estate Agent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We cleared out my grandma's house this morning

We sorted out the good stuff and put it on eBay, and then went to the estate agents to put her house on the market.

She's gonna be pretty pissed off when she gets back from bingo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A real estate agent and a pimp are having drinks at a hotel bar

"Today was a great day. I made 100,000 dollars!" The real estate agent proclaims.

The pimp asks, "how the hell did you make so much money in a single day?"

"Well" replies the agent, "I had a couple who want to sell their house for 500,000 dollars and I sold it today."

"So what c...

Homeless man

I saw a homeless man pushing a grocery trolley filled with cardboard boxes down the street. Walking up to him, I asked "Are you homeless?"

The man looked at me and with a wave of his hand over the boxes said "Can't you see? I'm a real estate agent!"

A Nasty Divorce

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feaste...

Paddy met Angus in a pub

Over their pints, Angus leaned in and said “does ye know what I did last night, eh?”

Paddy had no idea, and Angus said “I’m a very rich man. I robbed a shop full of expensive pictures!”

Paddy was impressed. He said to Angus “wow, that’s astonishing! When you sell ‘em, give me some mone...

It’s important to look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns

Last time I voted for a real estate agent

I’ve just spent my life savings on a cannabis farm.

The estate agent assured me it’s a growth industry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just moved into a new home and found out that it doesn't have a basement.

It was just the estate agent doing that pretend walking down the stairs thing behind the couch.

What do you call a man who sells impossible houses?

A surreal estate agent

So There's a Gypsy and a Doctor (old Croatian joke)

The gypsy and the doctor are both in the market looking for houses. So the doctor decides that he wants his own custom house. So he buys a plot of land. And, seeing the doctor as a smart man, the gypsy does the same.

Once construction on the houses had begun, the gypsy copied everything the ...

My Irish friend Paddy just told me that he robbed a shop last night.

"What did you get?" I asked.

"26 pictures," he smiled, showing me. "The cheapest one is worth over $180,000."

I said, "Dude, these are from an real estate agents."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three legged chicken

A real estate agent from the city is driving down a county road looking for the place he is to meet a new client. He looks out the window and sees a three legged chicken running beside him in the ditch.
He is amazed that as he looked at the speedometer in his car and he's doing 40 mph, all the w...

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a Golf club.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club.

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H – Husband, W ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I entered ten puns into a pun contest

I was hoping at least one would win, and in fact seven did. The prize was that they would be published in the local paper.

A week after they were published, I was contacted by a huge publisher that said they liked my puns so much that they offered to pay me an advance to write a book of puns!...

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