My grandfathers favorite joke: what’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

The drug dealer can’t wash the crack and resell it

Medusa is the best drug dealer

One look and I'm stoned

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

Why did the Jamaican spice dealer turn his life around?

Because he was a cinna-mon

I got thrown out of my local car dealer today

I told them to get Miata there.

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.

A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama need...

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

Whats the best way to reach your meth dealer?

Speed dial

So I bought some shoes from a drug dealer this morning...

I don't know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping all day.

My FedEx delivery guy is also my drug dealer.

He just doesn't know it.

RIP Mitch.

What do you call a group of drug dealers with superpowers?

The Powder Rangers.

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

Mr Wilson sold nails and wanted to be the biggest nail dealer in the world so he decided to make a commercial

He hired an ad firm to make the commercial. He looks at The first ad and its Jesus being nailed to the cross, when the camera closes in, the nails say Wilson. He says "no,no,no" I'm trying to make business not lose it.
The ad exec say sorry about that, I know what you want I'll be back tomorrow...

It turned out that local barber was actually also a crack dealer.

I was his customer for years, and never thought that he could be a barber.

A couple always consults their weed dealer before going to the bank...

The reason being they only have joint accounts

Living with your drug dealer isn't all that bad

It has its percs.

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A pothead goes to the local dealer.

He says:
- Yo, gimme something new, something strong!
- Alright man, this is the new product in the market. replies the dealer. It's called "Light-Dark".
- Light-Dark? Why? asks the pothead.
- Just buy some, try it out, and you'll see why.

Our pothead buys the stuff, arrives at h...

A drug dealer once dressed up as a mailman

He got caught immediately because he rung the doorbell once.

The Furniture Dealer

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.

To celebrate the ...

What do you call a clumsy drug dealer?

Falter White

Mr Richard's kid was a drug dealer. So, he kick him out.

Finally, he got rid of his Adickson

Did you hear about Mexican drug dealer that kept falling asleep on the job?

He had narcolepsy

There was an FBI agent named Craig.

Craig's job was checking furniture that people sell online to see if there's nothing illegal in it.

However, Craig had a weird habit - instead of tracking all illegal items, he had a document with every single legal piece of furniture that people sold, and he was removing items from there if ...

I think my weed dealer gave me corona

I’ve got a chronic cough.

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, it just won't move at all. After trying to drive at night for a week, with no luck, she furiously calls the dealers and they send out a technician to help...

He examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it, so he asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"

Full of anger, she growls, "How on earth you could ask such a question!? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."

Me: I need 8 pills, 4 bags of weed, a couple of tabs of lsd, oceanic.

Dealer: Sure, although what do you mean by oceanic?

Me: Anagram of cocaine.

What do you call an Italian drug dealer in Asia?

Narco Polo

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What are the drug dealers of the animal kingdom?

Monkeys because they are slinging shit all day

What is do tech companies and drug dealers have in common?

They are the only 2 industries that refer to their customers as ‘users’.

I love my FedEx guy

cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it — and he's always on time.

Why did the cocaine dealer retire?

He decided to stop putting his business into other peoples' noses.

A guy buys a new ferrari

he takes it out to drive, and the next day comes back to the dealership with a broken gearbox

the dealer says that the insurance covers it so they get it fixed and he goes back out

the next day the gearbox breaks again, and the dealer once again says no problem and gets it fixed. the g...

"Where'd you get that gun?"

"This? I got it from T-Rex"

"T-Rex?"

"Yeah he's a small arms dealer nearby"

Did you know that most drug dealers are exceptionally good at their job?

They are highly qualified.

How you get a drug dealer to stop talking to you?

You unplug

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

Hiring out of work Blackjack dealers to count ballots in Nevada was not a good idea.

They count up to 22, reshuffle the stack, and start over.

My drug dealer delivers so fast I nicknamed him...

Instagram

What makes dealer dealer?

Being more deal

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

I sell prosthetics for children...

I'm a small arms dealer

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So a drug dealer is being raided..

The police storm in, securing all the rooms in the house. One kicks open the bathroom door and catches a guy standing next to the toilet with a baggie full of cocaine.

"Freeze, asshole!" The cop shouts, aiming his gun at the guy.

"Ok, ok. You got me" the guy says, "but you need to li...

Here's a joke my cocaine dealer used to tell:

"Is Pepsi ok?"

A man goes up to his drug dealer and asks, “Hey, I want to try something stronger. Got any coke?”

His dealer shook his head. “Would Pepsi be okay?”

My drug dealer likes to tell jokes.

He really cracks me up.

My father was a black jack dealer.

He hit me till I turned 21

Why did the duck go to drug dealer

Quack

(Yea I know it’s terrible but I’m at the park and I just saw some ducks, so yea)

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I found an old violin and a painting in the attic.

The antique dealer said, "The good news is you've got a Stradivarius and a Picasso. The bad news is Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Picasso made crap violins."

What does the dealer say at the start of a round of quark poker?

Ante up.

What's it called when a drug dealer tests his products?

A business trip.

My mom embarassed me me today when one of my black friends came over..she just kept saying "Is he a drug dealer? He looks like a drug dealer"

I said "No mom that's racist...and put your money away"

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My grandma told me this joke.

An older gentlemen with some money in his pocket was heading down an old country dirt road with peddlers and wares dealers every few miles.

He runs across a man with several of the biggest roosters he's ever seen, at a price even better. He has to have one, so he says "Sir! Sir! I must have o...

There's a new social media platform where people can take pictures of how they've been conned by their coke dealer.

Isntagram

Man goes to meet his drug dealer,

He asks him if he has anything to fix his stiff joints.

The dealer gives him his usual baggie of weed and says " Don't roll them so hard next time"

Three dealers get arrested and sent to jail ...

One of them sells cocaine, an other one sells acid and the last one sells weed.

Once they're alone, the coke dealer says "Ok, I've got a plan. I managed to keep a little bit of coke with me, so we're gonna snort a little line and then we'll be strong enough to break the wall and run away from...

A barber in my area got arrested for being a drug dealer.

I was his client for many years, and I had no clue that he was a barber.

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If someone becomes your toilet paper dealer...

does that make them your butt plug?

What did the yoga instructor say when the blackjack dealer asked him if he wanted another card?

Namaste

Did you hear about the drug dealer's ghost?

He was arrested for *possession.*

How do coke dealers meet women?

Pickup lines.

What subject do drug dealers excel at?

Methematics

A man went to a black market dealer,

He asks the seller,

"Yo I heard you can get me a glock, can I have one?"

The guy says,

"what have people told you about me?"

He replies "you're a small arms dealer"

*pushed the mutilated child arms back into the van*

"kind of yeah"

The Race!

Johnny was 16 years old and wanted a motorcycle really bad. But his parents said he couldn't get one until he graduated from high school. So, he saved up all his money, and when graduation day came, he threw his graduate cap up in the air and walked right down to the nearest Harley Davidson dealer a...

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign....

"If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."
I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

a drugaddict was going to buy some drugs from a drug dealer

when they finally met, the drug dealer asked: so... what do want?

client: I want some uh... Coke.

drug dealer: is pepsi ok?

What do you get if you cross a mob boss, a gang leader, and a drug dealer?

Killed

My drug test came back negative.

My dealer has some explaining to do.

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer today

Isnt it funny what you can find in pharmacies' gift/novelty shops?

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