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Dealer Jokes

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer

I have no idea what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

I think my girlfriend's a secret drug dealer

I just answered her phone, and this man said "is that dope still there?"

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two bored male casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blond woman arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice

She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she strips down, rolls the dice, and yells, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice come to a stop she jumps up and down and squeals, “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”

She hugs each of the de...

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What is the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

"We're looking for a drug dealer," said the police officer, "and you fit the description we've been given."

I said, "That was easy then. What can I get you fellas?"

My grandfather was an African drug dealer...

He used to work in the 1970s in Johannesburg as a pharmacist.

What do you call an Italian drug dealer in Asia?

Narco Polo

Medusa is the best drug dealer

One look and I'm stoned

Whats the best way to reach your meth dealer?

Speed dial

How do you circumcise a trailer park meth dealer?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

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Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store.

The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas."
He asks why.
"Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas."
He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand."
He hesitates but knows he must.
He’s dealt an 18.
The dealer has a six showing....

My mom embarassed me me today when one of my black friends came over..she just kept saying "Is he a drug dealer? He looks like a drug dealer"

I said "No mom that's racist...and put your money away"

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A pothead goes to the local dealer.

He says:
- Yo, gimme something new, something strong!
- Alright man, this is the new product in the market. replies the dealer. It's called "Light-Dark".
- Light-Dark? Why? asks the pothead.
- Just buy some, try it out, and you'll see why.

Our pothead buys the stuff, arrives at h...

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My close friend is a drug dealer and he won't give me any in his stash.

What a lame ass pharmacist. :(

Drug Dealers.

Two drug dealers talking,

One says, “how’s your girlfriend.?

The second one says, “she’s dead.”

The first one says, “I’m sorry to hear that, what did she die of.?”

The second one says, “Chlamydia.”

The first one says, “you don’t die from Chlamydia”

The sec...

I'm sick to death of cocaine dealers...

always sticking their business in other people's noses.

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There's this old Jewish rag (schmatte) and cloth dealer

who has a regular Gentile customer who likes to poke fun of him and his antiquated ways.

One day the customer calls him up and asks to buy some cloth.

The Jew asks him how much he wants.

"From the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis" the goy says mockingly . "I'm a regula...

I have at last fulfilled my dream of becoming arms dealer...

... by selling 3D printed prosthetic limbs for the needy.

I think I've found the local drug dealer.

He's always standing around with these big sunglasses on.

I just feel sorry that his dog always has to witness that life too.

What's the difference between a drug dealer and Bill Cosby?

When you meet a dealer in a secluded area, you have to pay for the drugs.

My first and last day as a drug dealer.

Car pulls up. Guy rolls the window down. "You got any coke?" Me: "Is Pepsi OK?" Dude shot me in the leg.

What makes dealer dealer?

Being more deal

Thoughtful Drug dealer.

A man gets pulled over by a police officer, and the cop pulls him out of the car and asks "Do you have anything I should know about before I look in there?". The guy shrugs his shoulders and the cop begins looking in the car. He pops the trunk and finds a kilo of coke. He holds it up and turns back ...

Hey girl, are you an arms dealer?

Cause every time I see you, you give me a semi, automatic.

I went to the used car dealer and bought the only thing I could afford, the Rolls-Canardly

It rolls down one hill and canardly make it up the next.

Weed dealer

So my weed dealer got in trouble with his boss. So he and his business partners were dragged to the woods to be executed. And when the cartel aimed their weapons, my dealer, a biologist, yelled "bear," in which he escaped when they turned to see the was no bear. His second partner was a physicist, a...

Banta the Furniture dealer



Banta, a furniture dealer from Ludhiana, decided to Expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Chennai to see what he could find.


After arriving in Chennai he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well Back home in Lud...

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Four prisoners are killed in a prison bus accident

A drug dealer, a car thief, a bank robber and a rapist all die and are sent immediately to hell. Once there Satan begins checking his documents and says he isn’t ready for them. He says “you died a little too soon. So we don’t have anywhere to put you. I will be clearing out a few places for you but...

I was asked " why did you marry a drug dealer"

Because my parents told me to marry someone with substance.

My drug test came back negative.

My drug dealer has some explaining to do.

Inflation in the USA is so high at this point that...…

\- I recieved a predeclined credit card in the mail.
\- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
\- Exxon-Mobil fired 25 Congressmen.
\- McDonald's is selling the amazing 1/4 ouncer.
\- Angelina Jolie adopted a kid from the US.
\- Moms and Dad's in Beverly Hills let go of ...

The funny thing about Wall Street is that it is the dealer and not the customer who is called broker.

Src: Dallas News , ca. 1929

How do good drug dealers avoid getting caught?

They know high people in places.

Why did the duck go to drug dealer

Quack

(Yea I know it’s terrible but I’m at the park and I just saw some ducks, so yea)

I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex

He’s a small arms dealer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a drug dealer is being raided..

The police storm in, securing all the rooms in the house. One kicks open the bathroom door and catches a guy standing next to the toilet with a baggie full of cocaine.

"Freeze, asshole!" The cop shouts, aiming his gun at the guy.

"Ok, ok. You got me" the guy says, "but you need to li...

Why did the Jamaican spice dealer turn his life around?

Because he was a cinna-mon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mick buys himself a Harley Davidson…

Before he rides off on it, the dealer tells him that if it rains he should put vaseline on all of the chrome parts to preserve the look.

Mick takes his girlfriend to her parents’ house for dinner on the Harley. When they arrive, his girlfriend says that they do not speak at the dinner table d...

Knew a drug dealer who was a Satanist

He used to sell me penta grams.

I feel the same way about lawyers as I do drug dealers

They’re all scumbags except mine.

An attractive blonde walks into a casino

The two bored dealers look at her and their eyes spark up. The blonde then makes a huge bet of $100,000 on a roll of a dice.

Before she rolls, she asks the dealers whether she could take her top off. The two dealers immediately agree.

The blonde takes her top off, and proceeds with the...

What does a drug dealer says at the end of the year?

Merry cryst meth!

Mushroom trip

A guy sits in his shared apartment when his drug enthusiast roommate walks in.

"Hey, I just bought some mushrooms from my dealer, he said it's some serious business, so don't be scared if I won't come out of my room for a few hours!"

The next day the roommate is found dead. The cause o...

I got thrown out of my local car dealer today

I told them to get Miata there.

Living with your drug dealer isn't all that bad

It has its percs.

Why did the cocaine dealer retire?

He decided to stop putting his business into other peoples' noses.

Arms Dealer?

Would those who make upper extremity prosthetics be known as "arms dealers"?

Did you hear about the drug dealer's ghost?

He was arrested for *possession.*

My FedEx delivery guy is also my drug dealer.

He just doesn't know it.

RIP Mitch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again....






To Generiquai and everybody reading this, I would just like you to know I obviously didn't make this up. Just remembered it from a few years back and thought it was funny. Whoever made it up I give you all the credit....

What’s the difference between a coke dealer and a dealer who sells other drugs?

A thin white line.

If I were to become a drug dealer, I'd partner up with Mike Tyson.

That guy can really make a meth.

Man goes to meet his drug dealer,

He asks him if he has anything to fix his stiff joints.

The dealer gives him his usual baggie of weed and says " Don't roll them so hard next time"

A man went to a black market dealer,

He asks the seller,

"Yo I heard you can get me a glock, can I have one?"

The guy says,

"what have people told you about me?"

He replies "you're a small arms dealer"

*pushed the mutilated child arms back into the van*

"kind of yeah"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If someone becomes your toilet paper dealer...

does that make them your butt plug?

It turned out that local barber was actually also a crack dealer.

I was his customer for years, and never thought that he could be a barber.

There's a new social media platform where people can take pictures of how they've been conned by their coke dealer.

Isntagram.

A drug dealer once dressed up as a mailman

He got caught immediately because he rung the doorbell once.

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are usin...

How do coke dealers meet women?

Pickup lines.

What do you call a group of drug dealers with superpowers?

The Powder Rangers.

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