UPJOKE
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Since Facebook claims ownership of everything you post on their website

I think I should start uploading my bills.

Did you hear about the update to firearm ownership laws in Ukraine?

You can have anything you want, as long as it points at Moscow

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A young guy goes into a drug store owned by two spinster sisters.

He awkwardly says to the one lady at the pharmacy counter, "Um, this is embarrassing but I have this condition where about once a day I become incredibly aroused and overcome by the desire to have sex with any woman at all. It's overwhelming! What can you give me for it?"

"Hmm," replied the l...

Why do vampires like single proprietorship model of ownership?

Coz, they are afraid of stake-holders!

I wanted to take ownership of a building shaped like a triangle.

But I couldn’t get anyone to cosine.

(Q).... What do the top r/funny posts & gun ownership have in common?

(A).... Americans get it.....the rest of us *don't*.

What are the chances of familiarising myself with a semiaquatic amphibian to the point of ownership?

My newt.

I never really met my neighbors until they tried to sue me over the ownership of some property.

Turns out we had a lot in common.

Cat ownership is like the economy

50% of cats are owned by the top 1% of cat lovers

A corrupt politician manages to sneak a number of loopholes in to a new law that gave him ownership of several hotels in Seville and Valencia

Nobody inspects the Spanish inn decision

Shakespeare died on same day as Billy Bub, and are at the pearly gates.

(I heard this joke around 1980, so I can't claim ownership)

St. Peter at the pearly gates says, "I'm busy, so I'm considering 2 admissions at a time. Tell me a good poem using the word 'Timbuktu'. Whoever has the better poem gets in."

Shakespeare smiles broadly and says, "I am a great ...

Wikipedia suggests the third oldest joke in the world has a missing punchline. I’d like to suggest that Reddit’s most upvoted punchline is the true punchline

From the history segment on the Wikipedia article for joke.

The tale of the three ox drivers from Adab completes the three known oldest jokes in the world. This is a comic triple dating back to 1200 BC Adab. It concerns three men seeking justice from a king on the matter of ownership over a ...

Three men approach a wishing well one after another

The first, wishes to have one million bucks. Instantly, he is now in ownership of one million wild deer. He sets up a venison business and makes millions

The second wishes for his ex-wife to fall for him again. She instantly trips while thinking about him, and on the way to the hospital, he m...

The European Commission

The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-E...

A father and his son were standing the the farm, looking out into the fields

"One day, this will all be yours" the father said.

Next day the father died of natural causes and the ownership of the farm was transfered to the son.
24 hours later the bank came and took over, due to the fathers very high debt.

"I guess my father wasn't lying when he said this wou...

I know a sure way to stop the murder hornets

Just have Michael Jordan take over ownership.

Perpetual hard-on

My friend have this problem with a perpetual hard-on and decided to seek help. He went to the pharmacy owned by 3 sisters for any kind of medication.

He explained his problem to one of the owner/pharmacist and asked what he can get for his problem. She said wait here and I will asked my sist...

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I had 12 bottles of whisky in my basement.

However, my wife did not approve of this ownership of liquor, so she asked me to dispose of it in the sink. And since I didn't dare oppose her, I commenced my precarious mission thus:

I pulled the cork out of the first bottle, and poured the contents down the drain, except for one glass which...

"Can I get a pet fox?"

While browsing the forums I read a simple post, the question "Can I get a pet fox?"

Clicking inside, I read the top answer. "You can't tame a fox, but you can leash it to a post." Which I thought was a really succinct and apt commentary on how exotic pet ownership is sometimes unfair to speci...

A man walks into a pharmacy

A man walks in to a pharmacy &, after several minutes, walks up to the woman behind the counter.
She asked, "How can I help you?"
The man replied, "I need to speak to a male pharmacist."
The woman responded with, "I'm sorry. My sister & I run this pharmacy. There are no males emplo...

Your friend might secretly be a member of ISIS if...

You drop a horrendous fart and he claims ownership of it.

So this young girl gets pulled over....

And the police officer asks the girl for her license, she says she doesn't have one, he asks why and she says because she has a bunch of DUI charges. Then he says can I see your ownership. She says I don't have one, he asks why not? She says because it's not her car, he says who's is it? She says th...

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A man was stopped by the police for speeding...

A man was stopped by the police for speeding. He told the police, I have a dead body in the trunk. The policeman then proceeds to prepare to take him to the police station when he says, I also have a gram of cocaine in the glove compartment, a bloody knife from a murder under the carpet, and the car...

A man goes to a pharmacy and asks to talk to a male pharmacist

The woman behind the counter replies that she is the pharmacist, that she and her sister own the drugstore, and that there are no males employed there. “But surely I can help you,” she says.

“This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection that causes me a lot of pain and severe ...

The 4 hour erection...

I went to a chemist store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. 

The woman I spoke to said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. 

She asked if she could help me.

I said that I really would have preferred to spea...

A Blonde and a Bank

A blonde walks into a high-end bank in New York City and requests a personal loan of $5,000 for her trip to Europe for two weeks. The loan officer explains that they'll need collateral for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to her Rolls Royce along with showing the title as proof of ownersh...

Cletus and Billy, two neighbors, each decide to get a sheep.

Each one puts his sheep in his garden. But at night the sheep destroy the fence. Next morning Cletus and Billy don’t know which sheep is his own. So Cletus picks a sheep and chops a leg off it. That way he knows the sheep with three legs is his.

But the following night, the sheep with four ...

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The best way to get out of a speeding ticket.

A man is pulled over by a police officer for speeding on the highway. The officer approaches the car and the man lowers his window.

Cop: "Can I see your license sir?"

Driver: "Yeah I don't have one of those."

Cop: "You can't be driving without a license sir. Can I please have ...

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One for him, two for her

A guy finds a lamp, rubs it and out pops a genie. The genie says, "I'll give you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double."

First, he wishes for a billion dollars. Voila, a billion dollars appears. In a distant place, his ex-wife has 2 billion dollars materialize...

A man buys a Lada (Russian car)...

...but after only one day of ownership returns it to the garage.
'It's no good mate, the car's no good for me,' says the man to the car dealer.
'Why not?' asks the car dealer.
'Do you see that steep hill over there?' says the man, pointing. 'Well it will only get up to 75 up there'.
'Tha...

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Once, there were three kingdoms by a lake.

The first was very rich and powerful, while the second was on a good slope up top. The third was an absolute shitshow, and had nothing to show for itself.

One day, the three kingdoms found out that there was a lot of gold and riches deep in the lake, and all of them claimed it. To decide on o...

What do you call a Lada at the top of a hill?

A miracle.

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A man drives his Lada to a mechanic and asks, "Can I have a spare hubcap for my Lada?" The mechanic says, "Sounds like a fair trade."

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A Russian man enters a car raffle. Dropping the tic...

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