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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent...

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I Need A List Of Your Employees And How Much You Pay Them".


Boat Owner: “Well, There's Clarence, My Deckhand, He's Been With Me For 3 Years. I Pay Him $1,000 A Week Plus Free Room And Board. Then There's The Mentally Challenged Guy. He Works About 18 Hours Every Day And Does...

I took my dog to the local talent agent yesterday.

We walked through the door and I handed him our card:

"Barney. Talking dog."

The agent chuckled, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Alright, show me what you got."

"Hey Barn, how was work this week?"

"Rough."

"What goes on top of a house?"

"Roof."

"...

There was an FBI agent named Craig.

Craig's job was checking furniture that people sell online to see if there's nothing illegal in it.

However, Craig had a weird habit - instead of tracking all illegal items, he had a document with every single legal piece of furniture that people sold, and he was removing items from there if ...

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An American, Englishman and a Russian applied to be CIA agents.

They go through every single test and pass with flying colors. For their final test they are given a pistol and led inside a room with their wife tied to a chair and they have to kill her. The american goes into the room and comes out 5 minutes later.

-"I couldn't do it, I'm sorry." He says a...

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A man settles in his seat next to the window on a plane, when another man sits down next to him and seats his Black Labrador Retriever in-between them. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he's allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he's a DEA-Agent, Sniffing-dog.

His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says "Watch this. He tells Sniffer to 'search'". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposef...

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when ...

The IRS agent’s wife left him...

She said their relationship was too taxing for her.

I started to get really worried about climate change when I was house shopping and my real estate agent used the phrase:

“Potential Water Front Property”

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Two FBI agents who knew sensitive classified info went to a conference in Russia...

Turns out, the conference was really long and *really* boring; almost to the point the agents got mad, so when it was over, they decided to go to a nearby nightclub for some drinks and fun.

They had just ordered their drinks and started drinking up when two incredibly gorgeous Russian women c...

The world’s greatest supervillain has captured the three best spies, Secret Agents Alpha, Bravo, and Charlie.

As a form of evil execution she releases them into an arena with a pack of vicious wolves.

First, they chase after Secret Agent Alpha, and although he tries to run from them, he is caught and torn apart.

Then the wolves turn to Secret Agent Bravo, and she stands her ground to fight the...

I had an idea for a movie where a retired CIA agent searches for his daughter in Paris

It turns out that idea was taken

A doctor, a health insurance agent and a lab tech walk into a bar. Who pays the tab?

The patient

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After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the CIA assassin position — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her." The first man said. "You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent replies, "Then you’re not the right man for...

Last two years I spent time impersonating a Federal Agent. Nobody gave me trouble when they saw me, including the police.

Then I turned 8 and decided I wanted to be an astronaut instead.

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DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.” He said

“That’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there” I replied.

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I please,...

A Russian spy infiltrated in America is arrested

A Russian spy under the alias of “Joe Smith” is arrested by American officials. He is put in an interrogation room and confronted by an official, Agent Perry.

Smith: “I don’t understand, why am I being interrogated?”

Perry: “Drop the act, Smith, if that even is your real name. We know ...

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

My insurance agent told me that I'm most likely to be involved in a car accident when I'm within a mile of my home.

So I've decided to move to a safer neighborhood.

An Afghan escaping from Taliban walks in through the Pakistani border...

He is immediately stopped by Paxtani border patrol agents and asked to identify himself. He stops and says he's the Minister of Ports & Shipping of Afghanistan.

Paxtani border officer: "But there is no sea in Afghanistan. How can you be the Minister of Ports & Shipping?"

Afghan...

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[Nsfw] A man trying act smart in front of an insurance agent asks him “Do you provide penis insurance ?”

Agent : “Yes , sir , we do provide penis insurance”

Man got surprised and asked “You replace with a new one when it stops working?”

Agent : “No , sir . Once it stops to work , we ensure free service to your wife for the rest of your Life”

One of the Secret Service agents was tempted by the delicious muffin on the president's office desk, as he slowly reached out to take a bite, the other agent stopped him and said:

"Its FOR-BIDEN!"

The FBI are raiding an alleged spy’s apartment, when they discover a hard drive labelled “KGB”.

One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, “why wouldn’t he just write 1 TB?”

MI6, CIA and KGB are competing against each other...

Last competition. The mission is to find a bear in a 10000 sq/km forest
MI6 goes first. Using dogs and 1000 agents they have found a bear in 12 hours.
CIA goes next. Using satellites and heatvisors they found a bear in 6 hours
KGB goes last. Two agents enters a forest and came out of it ...

An FBI agent was called in to speak to the manager of a bank that had been robbed three times in a row by the same guy.

He asked what kind of distinguishing things can you describe about this man? Height, weight, distinguishing tattoos, clothes?

The manager said, "what I noticed was that he seemed to be better dressed each time."

My ex-girlfriend became my real-estate agent

Now she my homegirl

Action Composers

All the action heroes are at Stalone's house when their phones all go off. Their agents give them news about a new action movie focused on the great composers. After the call they are all talking about who they would like to play.

Stalone: I'm not going to be in it if I can't be Mozart....

A time traveler went back in time and saw a CIA agent

Time traveler: What year is it?

CIA Agent: 1963

Time traveler: Before or after JFK wa...

CIA Agent: Before

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One snowy day in Washington, Trump screams for the Secret Service agents on duty.

The agents rush in.

Trump says, "I looked out the window and saw that someone wrote 'Fuck Trump' with their piss in the snow. Get the crime lab down here immediately and test the urine. I want to know who did it!"

Next day, the lab report comes in" "Urine is Mitch McConnell's. Handwrit...

What does a CIA Agent do when it's time for bed?

He Goes Under Cover.

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What kind of porn does agent 007 prefer?

Bondage, James Bondage

why do kgb agents work in groups of three?

one reads, another writes and the third keeps an eye on these 2 intellectuals

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A urologist meets an insurance agent, and they immediately hit it off.

# Actually, the exact opposite happens

Urologist: You know, we should trade jobs. Any positions open where you work?

Insurance Agent: Why? Is yours just that *piss-poor*?

Urologist: ... No. I just want to show how easy your job is compared to mine.

IA: It's only a mildly ...

What does a government give to their top agent who is also a shrimp?

A license to Krill.

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared...

Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a baseball game...

Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a baseball game. During the opening ceremonies, their secret service agent goes to Bill and whispers something in his ear. Bill looks up at the agent and says "I'm not sure I can do that". The agent then says "Well, sir, it's the teams and fans request and I think we ...

An old man sat studying on a bench near the Kremlin

A KGB agent walking by looked at him suspiciously
but passed by
But an hour and 2 more times passing later the agent asked "Why are u sitting here so long and what are u doing?
Old man replied "I am an old man and Don't expect to live much longer. I want to go to heaven and as u know they s...

Robber runs into a real estate agents office and shouts

Nobody move

My coworker is a secret agent

I work with a guy who lives up to his 007 nickname every day. 0 ambition, 0 skill, 7 smoke breaks!

The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.

A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent’s supervisor asks him, “Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout...... Donald, ...

My grandfather survived agent orange during the Vietnam war. My great grandfather survived mustard gas in WWII.

I come from a line of seasoned veterans.

What did the hysterical 007 agent say to the car thief?

Hes driving me bond cars.

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A Farmer

A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie. As he approached, the ticket agent asked, “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”

The old farmer said, “That’s my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes.”

“I’m sorry, sir,” said the ticket agent. “We can’t allow animals in th...

Customs agent: Welcome to Belarus!

Customs agent: Are you here for business or tourism?

Russian: Business

Customs agent: Occupation?

Russian: Yes

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At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit.

While the Tax Office agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”

“Good question,” noted the CEO. “We save them up and send them back to...

A photon tries to go through airport security fast, but is stopped. "Don't you have any luggage" asks the security agent.

The photon replies. "No I'm travelling light".

A family walks into a talent agent’s office

The talent agent eyes them suspiciously and having heard the stories decides he would rather not risk it and tells them he doesn’t represent family acts. The Aristocrats leave.

The thief

A shop assistant calls the police saying:
“Officer, the same guy who stole stuff from the warehouse yesterday is in my store!”

“Alright, make sure you close off every exit. We’ll be there as soon as possible!”

10 minutes pass, and the agents arrive at the store seeing the man has es...

On a border patrol agent’s first day on the job...

...he’s checking people coming in and out of Mexico. At one point, a guy pulls up on a bicycle, and is wearing a large backpack.

“Aha!” says the agent to himself. “I’ve caught my first smuggler!”

He stops the guy and searches his backpack. He’s astounded to find nothing but rocks. The ...

Why do KGB agents travel in groups of 3?

Because they need one to write, one to read and one to keep an eye on those two dangerous intelectuals.

How are bats like real-estate agents?

It’s all echo-location location location

Men in black. After years of serving MIB, agent K, 69, found himself too old to deal with an alien drug lord. He decided to seek help from his younger self. Why did he travel to sixty years ago?

K, 9.

An old pastor on his deathbed asked a lawyer and an IRS agent to visit him.

When the two arrived in the pastor's room, the pastor based them to sit on either side of the bed.

After a bit, the lawyer asked "Reverend, why did you ask us here?"

The pastor responded, "Jesus died between two thieves, and I want to do the same."

An old joke from the Warsaw-pact about a parachuted CIA agent.

The CIA agent is parachuted down to somewhere in Siberia and goes to the nearest village and knocks on the first door, saying he's a lumberjack from the neighbouring village asking for shelter, to which the Russian replies

"No, you're an American spy!"

and then closes the door.
...

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An old man gets the call from the IRS

The man on the phone says, “we’ve noticed large sums of money coming in and going out of your account constantly and we gotta get this straight. Come in tomorrow and we’ll have a chat about this.” The old man thinks for a while and then decides he better get his lawyer to come with him.

The ...

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How does an FBI agent have sex

... FBI open up.
... We're coming in.

Guy tells the talent agent, "My dog can talk."

Talent agent: "Prove it."

Guy, to dog: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: *Rough, rough!*

Guy: "What's on top of a house?"

Dog: *Roof, roof!*

Guy: "Who was the greatest Yankee ever?"

Dog: *Ruth, Ruth!*

Talent agent throws them out of his office.

D...

Welcome to Australia!

A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"

"Pleasure," he replies.

"Anything to declare?"

"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie ...

As I stood before the airline ticket agent, I said "I want to buy a ticket to London. But I want one bag to go to Tokyo and the other to Moscow."

"Sir, we can't do that," the ticket agent exclaimed.

"Why not?" I asked. "You did it to me last time I flew with you."

Why are former Stasi agents the best taxi drivers in Berlin?

All you have to do is tell them your name. They already know where you live.

I was watching the Super Bowl at my friends house when my real estate agent called me...

Told me some of my property had burned down.

In both cases, Mahomes' on fire.

I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.

So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.

What do you call a secret agent working in a Bakery?

John Dough!

What is secret agent's favorite dinosaur?

A pte>!REDACTED!<yl.

David Hasselhoff told his agent that he wants to be known as Hoff from now on.

Agent: Sure David. No hassle.

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Old man and the IRS

There was this old man in his 80's, that got a letter from the IRS telling him to contact them immediately.

He calls and the IRS agent and is told he needs to come to his office regarding some irregularities with his account.

The old man thought about it and decided he should bring h...

The Brazilian president and his spouse are staying at a hotel in the USA, in the room 222

Close to 17:00 he calls the room service from the landline and says the following.

tu ti, tu tututu

The attendant has a hard time understating that request and considering that it is the president, not just some normal customer, comes to the conclusion that he must have overheard an en...

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An old one my dad used to tell...

An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day, and the agents like "good news! I got you a part in a play! It's only one line, but it's the opener and could be your big shot! Okay so the line is..

'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'..
Got that? 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar"

...

Two electrons were following quantum physics principles, as usual, while exchanging virtual protons to conduct an electric current

One electron said to the other, "This quantum trading stuff sounds like imaginary nonsense; if I can carry meaningful information faster than the speed of light, then I will."

The remaining electron watched his former partner depart into the nether, sighed, then said to his collar microphone,...

Spouses are a lot like FBI agents

They won’t ask you a question that they do not already know the answer to.

I told my friend my original movie concept: An ex-Secret Service agent's teenage daughter is abducted by human traffickers while on a trip to Paris.

He said "Sorry mate, I think that idea's taken"

A vulture and his wife are going on vacation to the Bahamas.

With many large suitcases packed, they arrive at the airport and saunter up to the check-in counter. The agent weighs, tags, and sends each bag off, until she notices one giving off a foul smell.

"Sir, are you checking this bag?" The agent asks.

"No, sorry, that's our carrion"

Why did the double agent cross the road?

He wasn't on your side.

A father and his son are visited by the Child Protective Services. The agent asks the son, "Do you know why we are visiting you today?" The son thought a bit and replied:

"Beats Me"

At what age does a secret agent usually get interested in BDSM?

Bond age

A government agent is responsible for finding an architect to build a tower

So he brings 3 architects, a Chinese, an American and an Iranian. The Chinese architect says I charge 3 Millions, 1.5M for material, 1M for workers and 0.5M as my salary.

He goes to the next one. The American architect says I charge 6 Millions, 3M for material, 2M for workers and 1M as my sal...

What is the difference between a secret service agent and Liberace?

One's a body guard and the other's a gaudy bard.



Sorry...

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3 guys were at their final test to become FBI agents.

The instructor said " ok guys during this job we have a lot of information that can't be leaked. So to prove you will do anything to keep this information confidential we have each of your wives in a separate room. I want you to take this gun and kill your wife."

The first guy takes the gun g...

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An Old Jamaican man lived alone in the country ...

He wanted to dig his Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty badly because it...

when two German agents walk into the pub in London during WW2

, and one of them said to the waiter:

\- Two martini please.

The waiter:

\- Dry?

\- Nein! Zwei!

The 13 year old girl I was talking to told me she was an undercover agent.

How cool is that for somebody her age?

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A Chinese moves to the USA after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He bought a home on a small piece of land.

The friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy.

He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard, chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt thes...

What's an estate agents favourite hot beverage?

Proper tea

What is it called when secret agents try BDSM?

James Bondage

Two Secret Service agents are intercepting a black box from a terrorist when they finally corner him and capture him

They interrogate him and ask him to hand over the box and maybe he'll live for another day. The terrorist barks, "You'll have to pry it from my dead cold hands!" One of the agents then proceeds to throw the terrorist into a large refridgerating chamber overnight. The next day, the terrorist was f...

I downloaded a torrent the other day and the next day 2 agents knocked on my door accusing me of being a Pirate.

I told them I can’t be a pirate and they asked why is that? I showed them my Reddit profile and said “See, no gold”

A government agent is sent to a village

A government agent is sent to a small English village where there are reports of multiple deaths from tainted pharmaceuticals.

The villagers are unaware of the cause, but are nonetheless worried and ask the agent who is responsible for these deaths around the village.

The agent tells t...

Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...

A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."

"Good morning." She replies.

"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.

"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.

"Excellent trade, Ma'am."<...

A man and his dog walk into a talent agents office.

"All right, lets make this quick i have things to do, whats your talent?" asks the agent.

The man says, "Its not me sir, its my dog -- he talks!"

"Yeah, right," says the agent. "I don't have time for this, now get out of here before I throw you out."

"No, wait," says the man. "I...

My FBI agent just left me.

Apparently I'm too clingy.

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Great joke, particularly for married people.

The director of the CIA is testing loyalty of 3 new agents, ages 25, 35, and 45.  He puts each of their wives in 1 of 3 rooms.  He hands the 25 year old a gun and says, "go into the room and kill your wife."  The 25 year old says, "I can't do it, I love her too much."  The director hands the gun to ...

A young actor calls his agent from the set of his first film. He is playing the lead role for the first time in his career.

“How’s it going?” the agent asks.

“It’s amazing!” the actor gushes. “The director told me that my performance is making him consider making two films with me.”

“Two?” the agent replies.

“Yeah,” the actor says, “my first and my last.”

A man walks into a talent agency with his dog claiming it can talk. The agent says, “ok, let’s see if this dog is gonna make us rich”. The guy says, “ Fido, what’s the top of a house called”? Roof! “What’s on a tree”? Bark! “How does sandpaper feel”? Ruff!

The talent agent tells the man off and kicks him out of his office. As the man and the dog are walking down the street the dog looks up at the man and says, “Gee Bob, maybe you should have asked some harder questions “.

A guy was planning his holiday with his travel agent...

“Last year you suggested The Maldives and when I returned my wife was pregnant. The year before that you suggested a safari in Africa and when I returned my wife was pregnant. And before that you suggested Bali and when I returned my wife was pregnant. Can you suggest somewhere cheaper this year ...

How many agents do you need to kill someone

47

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Gate agent announces “Now boarding at gate D22 - that’s D as in Dick 22”.

Not sure I want to know what she uses for C gates.


(This actually happened, btw.)

Two FBI agents search an office and find a hard drive with "KGB" on it...

One of the agents asks the other, "Why didn't they just write '1 TB' instead?"

How many CIA agents does it take to change a light bulb?

They're not telling. They would prefer to keep you in the dark.


Just kidding. It's actually [&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9608;&#9...

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A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was re booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said “I have to be on this flight and it has to be first class.”

The agent replied, “I am sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, “Do you have any idea who I am?”

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and gr...

What do you throw to a drowning I.R.S. agent?

His co-workers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman hires an agent to kill her husband.

She sets it up so she can watch it from a building overlooking their apartment.

Her husband is showering as the agent arrives. She watches as the agent sneaks up on him without being heard. He whips off his overcoat, throws open the shower door and humps the husband to death.

The wife ...

3 Secret Service agents are on their final day of training

They’re led into a darkened room. The commanding officer has them facing the opposite way of him. He walks up to the first potential agent from behind and speaks to his ear; loudly enough so all 3 can hear, but in a smooth, calculated tone, almost whispering:

“You’ve passed every test up to ...

Few people know, that James Bond once had a partner, Agent 014

But he was exposed as a double agent.

What do you call a secret agent who watches over sheep?

A sheppard spy

A Marine turns to a CIA agent and asks, “Why are we in Panama again?”

The agent shrugs and replies, “Just ‘cause.”

A secret service agent is guarding the president

A secret service agent is guarding the president

He’s escorting the president into a building

As he’s walking in the building, an assassin jumps out with a gun

The secret service agent says, “Mickey Mouse!”

The assassin is stunned and the agent is able to detain him
...

An unemployed man saw an ad in the newspaper asking for a Disneyland cop. He immediately goes to apply for the job.

"If you want to work at Disneyland," says the job agent, "you must show your knowledge of Disney by answering these questions. Question number one: what kind of animal is Mickey?"

"A dog?" guesses the guy.

"I'm sorry," says the agent, "but the correct answer is, a mouse. Question numbe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the ...

Adoption Agent: Welcome to the adoption agency, how may I help you?

Me: yes, I would like to put up my grades for adoption

Adoption Agent: wth?... sir...you must be mistaken... we...

Me: *crying* Please...help...I can't raise them on my own

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man bursts into a talent agents office and says

I have a great act for you, ‘I can sing out of my arse’
‘You can sing out if your arse’ exclaims the talent agent. ‘I have to see this!’
So the man climbs up on the agents desk, drops his pants and proceeds to drop a big turd, in the middle of the desk.
The talent agent is furious, ‘I thou...

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Buddy is down to the final interview of finally realizing his lifelong dream of becoming an FBI Agent...

It’s down to him and 2 other candidates. The three candidates sit in a room together waiting to be called in for the final interview. The first candidate goes in only to reappear minutes later upset and storms out muttering something about “taking things too far”. The second candidate goes in, again...

I'm writing a Bollywood take on a spy movie, about a taxi driver who's really an undercover agent.

His catchphrase is, "the name's Shaw - Rick Shaw".

What happened to the dead KGB agent?

Nothing. He just fell off the balcony.

TICKET AGENT: "And will this be round trip?"

FLAT EARTHER: "Here we go again."

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