Simon Cowell could win X-Factor

He's got a tragic back-story

The spread of the Coronavirus is based on two factors

1. How dense the population is
2. How dense the population is

Obesity is major COVID-19 risk factor, says French chief epidemiologist

I made the mistake of telling my wife

As an atheist I find tell my maths teacher I shouldn't have to solve exponential factors

because I don't believe in higher powers

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Friendly Ghost

A Ghost hunter is travelling the world doing lectures and meet and greets trying to get more people interested in the paranormal.

He's been told that his presentations are boring and lack a certain x factor.

He decides to start his next lecture a little differently and begins by saying...

A multimillionaire was asked what the best factor was in becoming a multimillionaire. He said planning and thinking ahead was paramount...

He continued. "*I planned and thought well ahead on how I was going to manage and spend my grandparent's multimillion-dollar wealth when they died and I inherited it - and here I am today.*"

X factor audition.

Boy:* Enters crying *


Judges: Guys we have a winner for this year.

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A famous sausage factor gets set on fire.

The flames quickly grew out of control and all near by fire departments are called. The owner of the factory told the firemen that his secret sausage recipe was stored in a vault inside. He proclaimed that the first department to fight off the fire and get the recipes would get a 50000 $ reward. All...

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65 in a 35

Buddies Joke Today.

I was doing 65 in a 35 zone when a cop pulled me over.
Officer approaches the car. "License and registration, please."

"I would, officer, but...this car is stolen. Oh, and full disclosure, there's a loaded pistol in the glove box."

"Sir, I'm going to need ...

My older son looks exactly like me

\- That's an example of genetic factor.

My younger son looks like my neighbor.

\- That's an example of social influence.

There are several factors when talking about the meaning of life.

2, 3, and 7

"Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer"

They should make condoms...

I need a raise.

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. ...

Funniness and cleverness have always been two notable factors for rating puns...

...but the third has groan in significance.

Everybody should be free to vote in a general election. Everybody should be free to vote in the X factor.

Nobody should be able to vote in both.

Health Education

Appropriate analogy: “The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now” = “The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now”.

There are two critical factors in the spread of Coronavirus. 1. How dense is the population. 2. How dense is the population.
...

A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...

Three mathematicians have known each other for years.

An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician, they decide to go bow hunting one season. While on the trail, they spot their first buck. The physicist run some calculations, decides that air resistance is negligible, and aims accordingly. His arrow falls short by 20 feet. The engineer runs some more ...

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A female journalist is taking a tour of a new science facility.

Scientist: Here at our lab we've been testing what would happen to GMO foods if, instead of producing foods with genes intended for fast production, we could develop GMO foods into potentially another form of species.

Journalist: That's interesting what foods have you tested this on?

...

Three professors are on a hunting trip

After hours of trudging through the woods, they spot their first game of the day: a deer sleeping soundly in the middle of a clearing.

The first one, a physicist, takes out his notebook and uses the equations of motion to aim his rifle at the perfect angle. Bang! His bullet whizzes past the d...

With great power comes

Greater difficulty in factorizing the polynomial.

Physicists, Engineer and Statistician go hunting ...

... as they are walking through the woods, they spot a deer.

"This one is mine" said Physicists. He takes out a pencil and a notepad and does some ballistic calculations, but calculates them in vacuum. He picks up his rifle, aim, fires. The bullet overshoots by 5 yards.

"Give me that...

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Dog walks into a bar

The bartender asks “What can I get you?” The dog doesn’t say anything, because dogs can’t talk.

The bartender realizes that trying to have a conversation with a dog is a sign that something might be going wrong with him mentally, so he goes to see a therapist. The therapist diagnoses him wit...

First attempt at cooking for my Italian girlfriend, she's due here any minute, and I think I royally screwed up the meal. Need help urgently!

Thyme is a factor.

Why did 5 leave 4 when 6 came along?

To be honest, 4 was a little square. And 6, well 6 was perfect.

What's that about 7? 7 doesn't factor into any of this.

My girlfriend said being with me is like being on a diet.

I was touched at first and told her that I feel like being with her is a continual journey of self-improvement and striving to get to a better place too.

I felt a little worse after she explained that she only meant it in the sense that being with me is a perpetual struggle of self-denial mo...

What would be a terrifying game show for flat-earthers?

Sphere Factor

The even numbers blamed the division of their society on 2

They claimed it was a factor

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20-Year double-blind university study in Sweden on the effects of diet on sex drive

Have you heard about this new study?

Researchers in Sweden tracked 2,000 couples from the moment they first started dating out to twenty (20) years forward.

Obviously, most of the couples ended up getting divorced, but their behavior and health was still tracked throughout the study....

Physicist, Engineer and Statistician are out bow-hunting.

They see a stag about a hundred feet away. The Physicist takes a shot, but he forgets to allow for wind resistance and the arrow falls five feet short. The Engineer takes his shot, but he adds too much of a fudge factor and the arrow's five feet too far.

The statistician goes "Nice job guys...

Why did Nivea Cream?

Because Max Factor.

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Gerrard and the nudist beach

Gerrard, a young Parisian stud, books himself a couple of weeks at a coastal nudist colony to work on the tan (and the ladies) but on his first day he realises his member looks like a milk bottle compared to the rest of his tanned, toned body - he doesn't believe in sunbeds and you can't exactly bat...

English food and English women

the two factors that made the greatest naval explorers the world has ever seen

Walking Economy

A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm just a walking economy."

His friend replies, "What do you mean?"

"It's like this: My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a de...

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Three Clowns

In the days just before he began his reign of terror in Nazi Germany, Hitler was talking to one of his few close friends. "I have this great idea, called the Final Solution. I'm going to kill all of the Jews in the world, and three clowns." His friend looks at him, a bit puzzled, and says, "Well,...

Why is it easier to pick a prime minister than any other leader?

Because there's only 2 factors involved.

In medical school...

Professor: Miss Rogers, what part of the male anatomy may enlarge by a factor of 10 when the male is excited?

Rogers: (Blushing) I... refuse to answer...

Professor: Mr. Smith?

Smith: The iris.

Professor: (coughs) Miss Rogers I can conclude three things. 1. You didn't do t...

How did the Avon lady get pregnant?

Max Factor

A Brit, an American and a Frenchman are arguing on how to pee...

... The American proclaims loudly, "The only way to pee is standing up! A man can so a man should!" Laughing, the Brit replies, "Surely you must be joking, I know why your bathrooms are such a mess! Sitting down to pee is better all around." Both arguing, they ask the Frenchman to be the deciding fa...

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a few lighter-side "yo momma" jokes

in general, the vast majority of "yo momma" jokes I hear are simply nasty or mean, with the only "humour" lying in the gross factor and/or the insulting nature of the dig (obviously those belong in /r/insults). but every now and then I hear a good one that makes me genuinely laugh, usually because o...

Everything can be reduced to a fart joke ...

Even physics:

We know that everything on earth falls at the same rate of acceleration, 32 feet per second per second. The difference comes down to mass and wind resistance, as shown by a flat piece of paper and one balled up. This means that the determining factor in your total decent is how...

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My coworker said he would rather be killed by a gun shot than a knife

He said that knives are more sadistic. Because there is that intimidation factor, serial killers are the ones who use knives.

I told him that was odd, because I usually prefer spoons to kill my cereal.

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