I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said...

"I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I grabbed it and ran out of the building

​

Eventually, he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

​

I said, "$600 and it's yours."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

What do a necrophiliac coroner and an alcoholic office manager have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one at work

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.

“Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher o...

An office manager is interviewing an applicant.

He asks the woman if she has any unusual talents. She says she’d actually won a few national crossword puzzle contests. “Sounds good,” the office manager replies, “but we want someone who will be just as intelligent during office hours.”

​

“Oh,” says the applicant. “That’s g...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An office manager had money problems and had to fire one of two employees, either Jack or Jill.

He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.

Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see wh...

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates.

One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.”

St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.”

St. Peter tells him to go ahead.

The last man says, “...

A store manager watches from a distance as a salesperson argues with a customer.

After a few minutes, the customer storms out of the store.

“I saw what just happened,” the manager says, “and I guess you’ve forgotten my motto of ‘the customer is always right.’”

“I know,” the salesperson says, “but . . .”

“No buts,” says the manager. “The customer is always ri...

Project Manager:

A person who thinks 9 women can deliver a baby in 1 month.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the censorship manager tell his employee?

Get the fuck out of here.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American businessman was meeting with the managers of the Tokyo office.

His first night in town, he had a hooker come up to his hotel room. While they were engaging in sex, the hooker kept squirming moaning, "Sung wa! Sung wa!" The businessman didn't know Japanese, but figured the hooker was really into him, and "Sung wa" must mean some expression of pleasure.
...

Did you hear about the waiter who became a manager?

He worked his way up the food chain.

A property manager for an apartment complex dies and soon finds himself standing in front of St. Peter.

St. Peter tells him "You have a choice of going to heaven or to hell and I suggest you check them both out before deciding."

So he chooses to check out hell first. He goes down to hell and finds himself in the middle of the biggest party he has ever seen. People are dancing and drinking and ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my Manager today I could not come in cause I have "Anal Blindness.”

He asked, "What is Anal Blindness?" I told him, "It is me not seeing my ass coming to work."

TIL When Steve Martin was 20 he had a ventriloquism act. The manager of a club where he performed had a tip for him.

"You have to hold the dummy closer to the mic."

From Steve Martin's interview on Seth Meyers' show.

Help, my mom has a Karen haircut.

We may be going to an Applebee's, I don't want to speak with the manager.

Employees play soccer, managers play tennis and CEOs play golf.

The higher the position the smaller the balls.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do bank managers have such thin penises?

Because they're such tight fisted wankers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the store manager say to the mannequin that had one leg shorter than the other?

"I can't fucking stand you."

Three managers worked in the same office at the top of an 80-storey office building.

One day, they were forced to take the stairs all the way up because the elevator wasn't working. One of them suggested telling one another stories in order to take their minds of their tiredness.

As they were walking up, the first manager told the story about how he met his wife.

At th...

Uh.. Lousy Manager..

A Project Manager is floating about 30 ft off the ground in a balloon.
He spots a man on the ground and calls out.

Man in Balloon: "Where am I?"
Man of Ground: "You're 30 ft off the ground in a balloon."

Man in Balloon: "You must be a programmer"
Man of Ground: "How did you kn...

A Manager comes back from a Leadership Seminar

A manager comes back from a Leadership Seminar, full of bright ideas and cheerfulness. He calls a meeting of all of his employees and announces that his office door will be open, and he will be easily accessible for the rest of the week, and if there is ANYTHING an employee needs, now is the time t...

A fight broke out in a candle store. The manager was briefly worried about loss from damages, but he decided he didn't care...

All in all, it was just another wick in the brawl.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

I got fired from my job by a jealous manager for breaking too many records.

I'm guessing that the vintage music industry is just not for me...

Me at McDonald's screaming at the manager : " I ordered two large fries....

....and I get 100 little fries WTF?

Manager: So why do you think you can become a good waiter

Me: You could say I bring a lot to the table

Engineer vs Manager

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must...

The new manager gets handed 3 envelopes

The exiting manager gives the incoming manager 3 envelopes and says “When you get in trouble, open an envelope”.

After a few months of work, the manager gets in trouble and remembers about the three envelopes so she opens the first one.

Envelope #1 says “Blame your predecessors.”
...

The bar manager said I could pay with bits of dry wood, bark, paper, even steel wool.

I asked him why and he told that it's legal tinder.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Low wage workers play basketball. Tradesmen go bowling. Middle managers play softball. Upper managers play tennis. CEOs play golf.

The lesson: the higher you climb, the smaller your balls get.

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, ...

... but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.

"Th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Long] Lori was assistant manager at the Sex Shoppe, and had been for a long time wondering, when do I get my shot at being Manager?

One day, her boss, the owner, said, “Lori, I have to go on a business trip for the weekend. You’re in charge. Let’s see how you handle it. You know the business well enough. Just remember, the new dildo line goes on sale Saturday. That’s $25 for the white dildos, and $50 for the black dildos.”
...

My Hooters waitress was pregnant so I called the manager and said

"Can we get another waitress please? This one has an heir in it."

A circus manager gets a call at 2 am...

This is how it goes:

Manager: hello?

Caller: hey, I would like to work at your circus...

For 10,000$ a show.

Manager: are you crazy?! What do you even do that you charge so much?!

Caller:I can speak German and English .

Manager: that is what you wake me up f...

A highly successful manager was going home in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass

Astonished by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the ...

A horse calls a circus asking for a job

Manager:"what are your talents?"

Horse:"i'm a horse"

Manager:"so?"

Horse:"I'm talking to you aren't i?"

A man called the hotel manager...

He said "Come up quickly, I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!". The manager replied "Sir this is a personal matter and we can't get involved. I can call sec..." The man interrupted "No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won't open!".

(Joke my manager told me) What do you call a belt made out of watches.

A waist of time

There is a box in the office closet with a ton of envelopes. It's blocking the door from opening all the way. I asked the manager to get it out of the way and he scoffed "yeah right - you try it"....

I couldn't budge it. For such a small box it was unbelievably heavy.

Then it dawned on me - it was stationary.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe."

The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?". "Yes, sir...

Someone keeps taking my task manager combination keys off my keyboards.

I’ve lost all control, and I have no alternative but to delete this horrible joke.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just walked in on my manager vigorously masturbating.

He told me to stop vigorously masturbating and get the hell out of his office.

A mall owner was speaking to the manager about the Santa Claus hiring for the Christmas holidays.

Owner: So how have the interviews been going? Any good candidates?

Manager: Well there was this one guy today. He was a fat guy, with rosy red cheeks and sporting a large sac. He had the furry cuffs, and a leather belt.

Owner: He sounds like the real deal!

Manager: Actually he h...

What did the manager say to the dinosaur when firing him?

You're pterano-done

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My first managers name was Lorraine.

My first managers name was Lorraine and she was really cool. Her husband, alfonso, was an assistant manager at the same store, and he was a dick. He had been having an affair for quite some time with a woman named Claire Lee . Everyone except his wife knew, but we didn't have the heart to tell her. ...

Why did the supply chain manager wake up in the middle of the night with a cold sweat?

He was having a logistical nightmare.

I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!

He's my super visor

My first day as a car salesman...

Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

A young Programmer and his Project Manager

board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they ar...

A man walks into a bar with a blue bird of happiness on one shoulder and a leprachaun on the other

He walks up to the bar, hands over a thousand dollars, orders three scotch and waters, buys drinks for the entire bar and tells the manager to keep the change. The man drinks his scotch and water, the blue bird drinks his but the leprachaun downs his drink in one gulp, throws the glass and smashes t...

If I ask a Catholic sister to work for me as a manager ...

Does that make her nun of my business?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This really hot chick walks up to the bartender and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?"

He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss". She leans in and starts running her fingers through his beard and...

I showed up 15 minutes late to work this morning and my manager asked me if I missed the bus.

I said: "No, I've never felt anything for a bus."

How many project managers does it take to change a light bulb?

Trick question. They can't actually do it. But they can record what percentage is complete.

Just put Toys R Us General Manager on your resume.

Who are they gonna ask?

I got sent home from work after the HR manager told me to leave my problems at the door.

She wasn't happy when I asked her to step outside.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A retail store manager calls one of his male employees into his office.

The employee walks in with soaking wet hands.

“I’m sorry sir, but we’re going to have to let you go,” says the manager.

“Seriously?! Why is that?,” the man replies

“Well you use the women’s restroom at least 15 times a day, and many employees and customers have complained abou...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bank...

A man walks into a bank and says to the teller, "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The woman leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her ...

I regret getting a manager position at soda factory...

It's so-da-grading.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A manager has two great employees...

A manager has two great employees, Jack and Jill. Due to budget constraints, he knows he has to fire one of them. He decides to meet with each employee, be upfront with them, and then make his sad decision. Both of them are outside of his office, and he asks Jill to step inside. Less than 15 seconds...

I slept with a bank manager

...and got financial aids

A young boy deposit 100$ everyday in the bank...

One day the general manager noticed the young boy and asked the clerk about him. He then told him that the young boy comes everyday and deposit exactly $100 each time. So the manager told the clerk to send him the lil boy the next time he comes to the bank. The next day the boy comes in and he's sen...

So I was talking to my manager...

He said you’ve gotta stop calling them problems and start calling them ‘opportunities’.


But suddenly things are different when I have a drinking opportunity.

One day, prior to the world cup, the US national soccer team manager was visiting Belgium

He was having a meeting with Roberto Martinez, and they were discussing the efficiency of their soccer team.

"Our population is over 300 millions and yet we have failed to qualify for the world cup, Roberto... How did you manage to do so with such a small country ?"

"You know Dave," sa...

A young student looking for a job goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was l...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just heard this joke from my dad: A newly hired salesman in a department store is being taught by his manager how to handle sales...

The manager tells him that he'll help the first customer, and show him how to make the most of a sales opportunity, and then he'll let him try.

A customer walks in, so the manager approaches him and says: "Good evening, sir! How may I help you?"

"I'd like to buy some grass seeds.", say...

A man goes to the circus.

After the show he speaks to the manager and asks for a job.

-"Alright, what can you do?", the manager asks.

-"I can do great bird impressions", the man replies.

-"Pssh, a lot of people can do that".

-"Oh well", the man says and flies away.

One day, a man doing janitorial duties on a submarine asked for a change of scenery

“I just clean the hallways,” he’d say. “Everyday. It gets boring fast, please?”

His manager stared him down, but he saw that the man wouldn’t give up.

“Alright,” the manager sighed. “I suppose I could see about you changing your post.”

The man was overwhelmed with excitement and...

How many restaurant managers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. One sitting in the back office looking at Reddit, one smoking a cigarette with the chef behind the kitchen and one sitting at the bar who will tell the hostess to ask a server to find a busser to change the light.

A manager cracks a joke. Everyone in the team laughs except one guy.

"Didn't you understand?" the manager asks.

The guy replies : "I resigned yesterday."

"You must be an engineer"

A man is flying solo in a hot air balloon and he discovers that he is lost. He lowers altitude until he can see a guy walking through a field.

He says to the guy, "Hey, where am I"?
The guy replies, "You are in a hot air balloon about 8 feet above farmer Jack's field."
The balloon ...

A young manager was finishing up late at work

When he was leaving there was only one other person in the office.
He noticed it was the owner of the company standing by a Shredder with a sheet of paper looking confused.
He approached him and asked if he was alright.
The owner said "my secretary has gone home and she always does these t...

A football manager signs his new star...

A manager for a football club signs his new star, a centipede. It’s the debut game for their new club and all the other players are out on the field when the match starts. The team starts conceding goals and is down 5-0 at half time.

During the break, the manager substitutes the centipede o...

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He spots a man down below and lowers the balloon to shout: “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”


The man below says: “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are be...

The stripes of a higway had to be painted, so the manager of the company puts an ad looking for a painter

The stripes of a higway had to be painted, so the manager of the company puts an ad looking for a painter.

The same day a young man goes to the manager's office.

-Here you have your brush and your bucket of white paint. You'll do this day as a test, if you do well enough, you'll be hir...

The district manager sent an email to the general manager.

It said "I'd like you to promote that one pretty girl with the good personality, I can't remember her name. I was very impressed by her work ethic. She seemed humble but extremely capable."

The general manager was confused as to which girl the district manager meant because there were two gir...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Employee arriving to work just before opening. "Hello, how's it going". Manager replies "I'm a babies butt"

Employee looks confused. Manager " I'm a little behind."

Five cannibals

Five cannibals are hired as employees in a company.
Their first day at the company the boss tells them:
- Now you are part of the group, here you earn well, and if you are hungry you can go to the company canteen. So please, do not bother other employees!
The cannibals promise not to distur...

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office...

"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a br...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The difference between before/after getting hired

When Timmy went in for an interview at ABC company, he was hired after a very brief interview. A little skeptical at first, Timmy asked the company representative a few questions.

It went like this:

ABC: Trust me, this company could really use someone new

Timmy: If there is too ...

The FBI is interviewing a bank manager who's been robbed 3 times by the same guy.

The agent says, "did you notice anything distinct about him when he came into the bank?"

Manager replies, "only that each time he showed up, he was much better dressed."

A waiter barges into his manager's office

"Help!" he says, "There are two guys outside high as a kite trashing the place!"

The manager steps out of his office, and sure enough there are two high guys shoving tables and throwing plates. He calmly walks out of the restaurant and returns shortly with a very beautiful woman. As soon as t...

Why did the manager of the doughnut factory quit her job?

She got fed up with the hole business.

A store manager heard his clerk tell a customer, “No, ma’am, we haven’t had any for a while, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.”

Horrified, the manager came running over to the customer and said, “Of course we’ll have some soon. We placed an order last week.” Then the manager drew the clerk aside. “Never,” he snarled, “Never, never, never say we’re out of anything- say we’ve got it on order and it’s coming. Now, what was it s...

A manager was told by his doctor to take up some sport for exercise, so he decided to play tennis. After a couple of weeks, his administrative assistant asked him how he was doing.

"It's going fine," the manager said. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says, "To the corner! Backhand! To the net! Smash! Go back!"

"Really? What happens then?" the woman asked enthusiastically.

"Then my body says, 'Who? Me? Don't talk...

A manager hired a new secretary and she was young, sweet and polite…

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

While leaving the room, she courteously said, “Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?”

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.

He dec...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Piano Man

A pianist responds to an ad for a Piano Player wanted at a swanky bar. The manager interviewing him asks the pianist to play something.

The pianist plays and sings, and it's beautiful. The manager is really impressed. The pianist admits that he wrote and composed it himself. The manage...

My manager asked me if I had prepared my report on how to cut costs at our cookie factory...

Thinking quickly, I told him that we could save money by not fully cooking all our cookies.
It was a half-baked idea, but it turned out to save us a lot of dough.

A hiring manager had a stack of resumes, took half, and threw them in the trash...

Coworker asks, "what are you doing!?!"

HR Manager said, "I don't like to hire unlucky people."

In group projects, they call me the task manager

I **control** the group, **shift** the blame, then proceed to **escape**

A black guys walks into a bank...

... says "I'm looking for a job!"

The bank manager says, "Well, you're in luck! We have a position opening tomorrow that pays $48,000 a year and has access to a free car!"


The black guy says "You're joking."


The bank manager says "Well, you started it!"

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I’ll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She’s gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.
"I ...

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage...

...a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large life insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie." Artie expla...

A frog goes into a bank...

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is ...

The President's son, son-in-law, campaign manager, and a Russian lawyer walk into a bar…

finish that one for me, will ya

The Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Enginner

A Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Engineer were driving down a mountain when suddenly the car slides off the road and rolls down the Mountain. Amazingly none of the occupants had been hurt.

The Mechanical Engineer steps out and says hand me my Swiss army knife I will hav...

First Manager

If prostitution is the world's oldest profession, the world's first manager was a pimp...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

A husband calls up the hotel manager from his room

Please come fast, I am having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump from your hotel window.

Manager : Sir, I am sorry, but this is a personal issue. We can't help you here.

Husband : Not true, you can. The window is not opening, this is a maintenance issue.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Friend asked me how do I feel about a serious meeting with my manager tomorrow?

"I am excited like a bride before a wedding day" I replied, "I am wondering how will I get fucked."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A piano player walks into a bar...

A piano player walks into a bar and says to the manager "I saw your sign 'Piano player needed' and I'm your man, I write all my own material." "Play me a tune." said the manager. The piano player's song was so catchy that it had the manager stomping his feet. "That was great!" the manager said, "Wha...