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Banker Jokes

A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"

The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."

The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Ro...

So What do you call a banker that has no friends?

A Loaner.... I’m just going to go to the bank and withdraw my life.

Rich Banker

A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone-call. Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”
The banker replied, “Did your research show...

A retired banker went to a psychiatrist.

He said "For 30 years, I worked in a bank as a teller. Every day i would serve dozens of customers. I loved my job and never missed a day.
Last month, i retired.
Since then, every time i pass a bank, i have a huge craving to enter and take out money.
Even if i pass an ATM, i have to stop a...

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A banker down on his luck has decided to end it all

A young banker is standing on a tree limb with a rope around his neck, ready to end it all. He sees movement to his side and an ugly old woman comes from the brush, calling for him to stop.

“Stop! Why would a young man like yourself be doing such a thing?”

“My life is ruined!” He resp...

A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit.

So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit.

A week later he went in for his first fitting.

He put on the suit and he looked fabulous, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror, he reached down to put ...

A banker, a blacksmith, and a demolitions expert are all on a small plane.

The engine on the plane starts to fail and the pilot says to the three passengers on board
“Throw your least important belongings over the plane so that we can lighten the load on the engine”

The banker decides that his pennies weigh the most and have the least value so he throws all of th...

A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO...

... After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the Ferrari and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"
The young man replies,...

I used to be a banker...

But I lost interest.

My wife and my banker have something in common.

Neither of them will give me credit.

A daughter shows her banker father her work on Bitcoin's lightning network to speed up transactions, in response he ask's her if she would like to hear his opinion on Bitcoin. She replies yes.

"It's worthless" her father says

"I know" She replies "But let's hear it anyway"

A US banker is invited to the Finance Minister of East Germany and sees large quantities of gold lying around in the courtyard of the ministry.

Astonished, the American says to his host:

"In my country, gold is a very precious commodity. It is kept in Fort Knox, surrounded by an almost insurmountable concrete wall, watchtowers, mines and barbed wire, and guarded by dogs and soldiers."

"You see," replies the minister of East ...

Woman visits a bank on downtown NYC...

...and asks for a short-term $10,000 loan. Banker asks her for collateral, and she hands him the keys to her Mercedes. She says she's going on a vacation, and will return the following week to repay the debt and retrieve her car.

Week later, she picks up the vehicle and pays back the loan, pl...

Remember in Monopoly, when some insufferable kids couldn't agree who was banker, they'd refuse to play completely?

Welcome to the shutdown...

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Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda

"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"

"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pog...

What did the banker say when he heard inflation was at an all time high?

That really peaks my interest

How does a banker tell someone he has diarrhea?

'Oh god, my assets are liquid!'

Jay Leno went to Morgan Freeman’s house and had a lot of drinks. Leno suddenly started to urinate on Freeman’s carpet. Freeman was furious and ran after him as he kept on urinating. The banker next door saw the whole thing and decided to start a bank...

Kids, that is the true story of how Jay-pee-Morgan-chase was named

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Mark, The banker, saw his old Nebraska friend Bob, an eighty-year old rancher, in town...

Bob had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Bob if the rumor was true. Bob assured him that it was. The banker then asked Bob the age of his new bride to be.

Bob proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-o...

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A young and an old banker were talking to each other.

The old banker tells the tips and tricks of being a banker to the young one

"Look son, to be successul at this job, it is not enough to seize the opportunity, sometimes you'll need to create the opportunity too. Look now, there is a pile of dog turd a few yards in front of us, it is most prob...

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The bankers wager

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After a lengthy discussions the president of the Bank asked ...

Why are Irish bankers so successful?

Because their capital's always Dublin.

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Never trust a banker...

A guy walks into a bank and walks up to the teller, who happens to be an attractive young woman. The customer says, "Hey toots, great tits, I wanna open a fucking checking account. "

The teller is of course *instantly* offended. "Sir, that is insulting and sexist and I will *not* put up with ...

An 80 year old lady was marrying for the 4th time.

A newspaper asked if she wouldn't mind talking about her first 3 husbands and what they did for a living.

She smiled and said, "My first husband was a banker, then I married a circus ringmaster, next was a preacher and now in my 80's, a funeral director."

When asked why the...

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Investment Banker , M&A Lawyer and Private Equity Guy are sitting on a plane

An Investment Banker boards a plane and is assigned the aisle seat, he is sitting next to a M&A Lawyer, and a PE guy; he takes off his Gucci loafers and stretches out, to get comfy for the flight.

The lawyer says "Can you let me get out. I want to get a Coke." The Banker jumps up and say...

What's the difference between an investment banker and a pig?

The pig doesn't turn into an investment banker when it's drunk.

A banker buys 5 tons of NaCl...

Yeah, he's known for his compound interest.

A 90 year old farmer goes to the banker for a loan to buy land.

The banker has some concerns due to the old codgers age.
"What happens if you die before the loan is paid off?" The banker asks.
"I'll send you a check from heavan, because God would want all my obligations taken care of," The old farmer answered.
"But what if you go the other direction?" t...

A banker and a theif walk into a bar

The banker says to the thief, you're doing it all wrong...
there isn't any money in what you do. The thief smug, say's
wanna bet? I have a job this weekend and I'll show you
just how much money I can make.

The banker, laughs and says you're on. The thief figuring
he was just going...

A persistent banker wouldn't stop hitting on me!

Even after I asked him to leave me a loan.

Why did the banker eat lunch by himself?

Because he was a loaner.

What type of sweet does a banker keep in his wastecoat?

InvestMints

My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.

I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "We...

A vet, a banker and a barber walk into a bar.

After a few drinks the banker gloomily says:

“although business has been booming most of the funds have beent going to my cats medication, sadly Bartholomew got run over by a blue honda; i wish i could of seen the driver and give him what he desreves”

With the drinks opening them up t...

What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?

A loan shark.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the US Treasury Secretary Say to the Chinese Central Banker After the Currency Devalued?

What the fuck are Yuan?

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What kind of porn do bankers watch?

Trans action.

A Banker, a Fox News fan and a welfare recipient are at a table sharing 12 cookies...

The banker takes 11 cookies and says to the Fox News fan: "Watch out for the welfare guy, he wants your cookie!".

The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.

The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, “Can you float alone?”

“Obviously,” the banker replied, “but this is a heck of a time to talk business.”

This banker I know has absolutely no friends...

I think he's loanly

A banker, librarian and a soldier get on a plane...

After a while the banker drops a typewriter from the plane: meanwhile a little boy is walking down the sidewalk, he finds a little girl crying. He asks her "Why are you crying?" "A typewriter hit my head!" she replies. The boy carries on with his day. A little later the librarian drops a book. The b...

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Banker's balls (nsfw)

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office....

A college student, A banker, and a bomber are on a plane

They are losing altitude and fast. The pilot says they need to lose some weight if they want to survive. The college student drops his backpack. The banker drops a large safe. The bomber drops a bomb.

A few hours later, walking down the street, a child is sitting crying on the curb. A man as...

In a bar, there's a guy hitting on a cute Banker girl

The guy brags about all his riches and possessions, but he got shot down by the girl immediately.

The girl said, "Leave me a loan!"

The guy noticed the wordplay, he praised the girl. "That's a pretty clever pun! ...But not as pretty as you"

The girl, now irritated, said. "I'm no...

Did you hear about the deaf banker who got robbed?

Neither did he

Why did the banker like the TV show?

Because he was invested in the story.

I think I could become a banker.

I always want to be a loan.

Banker: Okay, all I need now is your PostCode? Pirate: Sure, that’s CCC-CCCC

Banker: Sorry, Was that Six or Seven Cs?

I owe money to the ghost of a banker.

He tried to repossess my house.

An Investment Banker Was Getting Married.

During Wedding, The Wife Vomits.
Husband: "What Happened?"
Wife: "Capital Gains Arising Out Of Previous Investment."
Husband: "U cheated me.."
Wife: "U should know, mutual fund investments are subject to market risks!"

Dracula says he doesn't want to become an investment banker..

He said he hates stakeholders.

Never play poker with a banker.

They always have the best suits.

The devil is giving a banker a tour of hell...

... and as they're passing the pits of despair the banker notices a pit with no guards.
"Won't the sinners escape with no guards?" Asks the banker.
The devil replies, "Oh that pit is filled with the socialists, they don't need guards. As soon as one crawls out the others pull him back in."

How many bankers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to remove the bulb and drop it, the other to sell it before it crashes.

A banker died. When he arrived at the junction between heaven and hell, God gave him a choice between the two. The banker decided to take a tour.

He toured heaven. It was calm, serene and comfortable. Then he toured hell. There were nightclubs, endless bars, girls all around and loud music. He obviously chose the hell.

When he entered hell, there were fireballs, demons spitting java and not a pickle to eat. He turned to God and asked ...

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A successful investment banker...

A successful investment banker parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a bus came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's side. The banker immediately whipped out his phone and dialed 911. It wasn't more tha...

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A banker who wanted to be a farmer

There was a banker who always dreamed of living a pastoral life on a farm. When he was ready to retire, he bought a small farm. After he had moved in, he decided that he would like to have some livestock on his farm. So he headed out to buy some livestock, but he was worried about putting animals...

A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up.

"I have an idea," said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."

So the man and his wife hide just be...

I asked the banker to check my balance.

He pushed me.

A banker friend of mine had a breakup recently

He lost interest.

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A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.

The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000.
The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day.
The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.”
The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?”
...

My dad works as a banker at Wells Fargo. I asked him to open a checking account for me

A checking account? What do you need two checking accounts for? Are you sure you want three checking accounts and a saving account? Fine, I'll open four checking accounts, two savings accounts and a line of credit for you.

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A Banker parks his brand new Porshce...

... in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off. More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the p...

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Someone called Donald Trump a racist, sexist, homophobic ex-banker

He replied: "actually I used to an entrepreneur"

Why do ambitious bankers make lousy colleagues but great partners?

They'll never leave you a loan.

Did you hear about the banker who's also learning chemistry?

He's got a lot of compound interest.

An 88-Year Old Woman was interviewed by the local News after getting married for the fourth time...

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little ...

Most people want to be bankers when they grow up

But at this rate they are gonna lose interest

Those poor bankers...

no, seriously, they're poor now.

How do rural bankers speak?

Withdrawl

Farmer meets with Banker annually

The Farmer has to meet with the banker, talk about the crops for the year, talk about grain prices, and try to forecast the year's output to plan out expenses for the year.

When the banker arrives at the farm he notices a very tame and friendly pig, running around as if nothing's wrong, had ...

A banker told me this joke,

It didn't make any cents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hotel owner, radio host, and a banker walk into the situation room.

Fuck.

What do you call a banker who is also a skilled fisherman?

A loanely master-baiter.

What did the banker use for birth control?

His personality

A banker, a Greek and a German sit on a table ...

There are ten cookies on that table. The banker takes nine and tells the German: "Watch out, the Greek so going to steal your cookie!"

Did you hear about the woman who doesn't like banker jokes?

So if you take her on a date, you'd better not teller any.

Glass eye joke

A joke from my granddad. Maybe his favorite. "A man goes to the bank to ask for a loan. He presents his case to the banker. The banker turns him down. The man ask 'Do you mind if I ask if you wear a glass right eye? The banker replies 'Yes. What made you ask that?' The man replied 'I thou...

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OnlyFans’ bankers were going to pull out

If they want ‘em to stay in, looks like they’ll need to go with Plan B

Why are bankers sad?

They always drink a loan.

Why do Bankers make for great lovers

Because they know the penalty for early withdrawals

A banker tells his client that a £1,000,000 investment will turn into a ton of money!

So the the client asks "How much is a ton of money"

The banker responds "Two Thousand Pounds"

Two Jewish banker escaped from that sinking Italian cruise ship

They were both clinging to a life preserver. One guy, knowing the other can't swim, says, " I'm going to try to swim to shore to get some help. Can you float alone?"

The second Jewish banker says, "how could you talk business at a time like this?"

A banker dies and his wife is making his funeral arrangements.

The funeral director notices that the husband died at work and came to him in a nicely pressed, gray suit. "Well," he said to the wife, "why don't we just keep him dressed like this, since he looks so nice?"


"No way," she replied, "He looked better in blue. I've been trying for years ...

A man goes to the bank to apply for a loan

The banker says okay, but I'll need some information first. What do you do for a living?

The man says he's a dentist.

A fine profession! And are you married?

Yes.

And what does your wife do for a living?

Well, it's a little hard to say....

I must know if you...

Newlywed Woman In Her 90s Is Interviewed

There was a lady in her 90s who became a sort of local celebrity because she had recently gotten married. The local news station decided to interview her. The interviewer asked questions like how it was to be a newlywed in her 90s.

"This isn't my first husband, so it's not much different than...

Why a fourth time?

A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, sin...

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An inventor goes to the bank for help with funding...

(Many years on Reddit and I've never seen this joke that a customer told my brother and I while we were waiting tables in Yellowstone.)

An inventor goes into a bank for a loan:
The banker across the desk says "Pitch me your idea."
The inventor hands him an apple.
The banker is alre...

Bankers are so antisocial.

They're a bunch of loaners.

What profession?

The father of a bright young son went to a wise friend for advice as to what profession the youth should be fitted for. The sage was brusque.

"Let the boy choose for himself," he said.

"But," protested the father, "he's too young."

"Well," responded the wise man, "put him in a ...

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An Asian man goes on a trip to America

He goes to an American Bank to converts his money to dollars, while going through his trip he meets a generous old friend who decides to let him stay in his place and also pay for his expenses during his stay.

After a few days he decides to return back to his country and heads to the bank to...

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Bankers

A guy walks into a bank and he goes up to a teller and says "I want to open a fucking account."

The teller's eyebrows shoot up and she says, "Excuse me?!"

And again the guys says, "I want to open a fucking bank account."

"You can't talk to me that way," she says, "I'm going to g...

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