A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and w...

Irishman Murphy applied for a fermen-tation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.

A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager. When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to gi...

A man goes to an interview for an accountant firm

“In this company, you need to be able to calculate fast without calculator”

“I’ll give it a try. Test me”

“What is 35 x 47?”

The man answers quickly “476”

“That’s not even close”

“Yeah but thats fast”

I went to work today, and was shocked to learn that my company was taken over by a firm in Barcelona.

No one expects the Spanish acquisition.

Little Johnny is in class and his teacher is teaching about description. She reaches into a bag and feels around. She says "Sally, what I'm feeling something round and firm, what is it?"

Sally says "a ball" and teacher says "nope it's an orange". The teacher then reaches in and goes " what I'm feeling is smooth and flat and flexible, David, what is it?"David says"a piece of paper?" "No" goes the teacher "a piece of aluminum foil" Johnny stands up, reaches into his pocket and goes" t...

I’m going to start a law firm and only hire nuns...

I’ll call it “Sisters in law.”

My company got bought out by a Madrid based firm today. Everyone seemed surprised.

Nobody expects the Spanish Acquisition

A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...

The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"

"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."

*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job...

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An American company and Japanese company decided to have a boat race

Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. The American team was discouraged by the loss and corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hire...

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I was offered $5,000 to sell my account to an advertisement firm

It was a tempting offer, but in the end I had to decline. My morals are strong and intentions are good, just like the wonderful people at Nestle.

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A lawyer is walking down the stairs of his law firm.

This guy is dressed in an expensive suit, he's wearing shoes made from an extinct reptile and orphan tears, and He's walking to his brand new Lamborghini. Just as he opens the driver side door a truck comes speeding through and tears the door from its hinges. The lawyer visibly shocked and pissed ye...

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A lawyer gets his first visitor in his new law firm.

To give the visitor an image that he is an impressive lawyer, he picked up his landline phone, pressed a few buttons and said into it, "Yes, Mr. Jones, I get the impression that you are desperate to get your house back, so can we set up an appointment tomorrow to discuss the formalities? …How about ...

Amazed by the stunning beauty of their new secretary, two corporate executives resolved to make her adjustment to her new firm their personal business...

“It’s up to us to teach her the difference between right and wrong,” said the first executive. “Agreed,” exclaimed the second. “You teach her what’s right.”

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Mickey Mouse goes to a law firm.

Lawyer: "I don't understand sir, you want to file for divorce because your wife is silly?"

Mickey: "No, I said she's fucking Goofy!!"

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I always wear a helmet during intercourse cause I'm a firm believer in safe sex.

Doesn't help much against the STD's but it sure is effective against the pepper-spray.

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Two alligators were swimming next to a law firm...

*edit: fixed spelling errors.*
...When the first alligator, Kyle, says to the second alligator, Tim, "Jeez Tim, how are you so much bigger than me? When we were kids we were the same size, but now I am tiny and you are huge!" Tim thinks about it for a moment, and asks Kyle, "Well, what do you eat...

A paralegal, an associate, and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one."

"Me first!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with Tom Cruise."

Poof! She's gone.

"Me next!" says ...

Onions

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

Two lawyers were discussing a colleague's interest in one of the firm's new secretaries.

"I don't get it," said one. "She's an airhead - nothing going on upstairs."

"That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's the floor he's getting off on."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

WHY PEOPLE HATE SCHOOL RE-UNIONS

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey...

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The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

Why was Wolverine (from the X-Men) fired from the law firm?

Because he forgot to read the contract claws.

I'm a firm believer that vaccines cause a...

dults.

I recently signed on as a partner at this vampire hunting firm.

I'm a stakeholder now.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Typed this up, hoping it’s new blood.

Terry is going door to door selling peaches. He’s doing okay for himself, and he rounds the corner and comes upon an apartment complex. Lots of potential sales in one spot! He walks up to the first door and knocks.

The lady of the house opens the door wearing a robe which doesn’t leave much ...

What do you find in the filing cabinets of a law firm?

Organised crime.

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Different Boobs and Dicks

**A family is at the dinner table.**

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears,...

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Firm peaches

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a
door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer
negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her
the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to...

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

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The seven dwarves went to the Vatican

While six stayed back a few yards Doc went up and knocked on the front door.

"Your Excellency," he said. "I wonder if you could tell me if there are any 3 ft tall nuns in Rome?"

"No, my son, there aren't," the Pope replied.

So Doc went back and told the others. Pretty soon Ba...

A man jumps on a bed

A man jumps on a bed expecting it to be soft and fluffy...

\*Wham!\*
Instead he experienced a very firm landing.
\*Owww!\*
I think this memory foam has amnesia!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Apparently the same firm rents buildings to both ISIS and Neo-Nazis.

You could say they're the lessor of two evils.

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A building firm hires a new Asian employee...

So the foreman tell the Asian man to go into a room and count the supplies. Having heard nothing for several hours, the foreman goes in to check the progress and can't find the man. So the Asian man jumps out from behind a shelf and yells "SUPPLIES!!"

An engineer goes to hell...

Upset with the conditions in hell, the engineer decides to do something about it. The engineer adds running water to help keep the fires at down, creates an escalator and elevator system to help deal with all the stairs, adds central cooling to reduce the heat, and always continued to improve on the...

Elliot Ness, Cookie Monster, and John Locke start a law firm.

Locke Ness Monster.

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John the skeleton was fired for sexual harassment

Employees of the firm filed complaints about his perpetual boner

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An artist is commissioned to paint a mural in the newly built city hall.

The city council has decided the mural must be an important scene from American history. The artist accepts the deal with one condition.

No one can see the piece before it is completed.

Begrudgingly, the town council accepts, a contract is signed, and the artist begins work behind a m...

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The story of my rugby career

I was sitting at the bar enjoying a drink to myself When next thing the door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see s...

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"Dad, what are politics?"

And the father tries to explain:

"You see son, for example, i earn and bring money to this house so i'm capitalism. Your mother uses that money so she is the government. We care about you son, meaning you are the people. Our house maid is the working class and your little baby brother, he is ...

A right-wing law firm is trying to overturn Roe v Wade.

They find their test plaintiff, a man whose daughter had gotten an abortion after he forbade it. The firm sues the doctors, and the appeals go all the way to the Supreme Court, exactly as intended. The Court even agrees to hear the case ... only to uphold Roe v Wade, 5 - 4.

All in all, it w...

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Complisult !!!

Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom. "Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said.


"I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"


"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complemented. You'...

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Ed and Bob had just landed the biggest sale in their firm's history.

Ed and Bob had just landed the biggest sale in their firm's history. Ed knew he had to hurry home to his pushy wife Mary, but Bob persuaded him to have a drink or two at a nearby tavern. Being a lightweight, Ed vomited all over his shirt and tie after only a few.

"Aww man, Mary is going to k...

An architect

An architect storms into the CEOs office holding a towel to his bloody nose. "Good God, man, what happened to you!?" the CEO exclaimed.

"Sir, the lead architect on the Legend project just punched me in the face for questioning his designs, which frankly are impossible. Take a look." The ar...

The Surgeon’s Operation

A surgeon urgently left for work one morning after hearing that a new patient just came in with 3 tumors. He got there as quickly as he could, despite living roughly half an hour away. He managed to get to work before any of his coworkers that were capable of operating on the new patient could. He r...

Losing my virginity was alot like how i learned to ride my bike

My Dad having a firm grip on my shoulders.

My dads favorite joke (long)

A rabbit is hopping along the woods one day, minding his own business, when he comes across a little village.

He hears laughing and general good humor echoing from the little town so he decides to investigate.

The rabbit hides behind a little bush and what he finds he almost can’t ex...

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3 Men tragically died in a car crash

When they go to heaven they appear in front of Father Joseph who then says

“None of you were meant to die.. and because I cannot send you back to earth as your families have already mourned.. you may choose what you would like to become before you are sent back.”

The first man went to...

He was going to make a donation to the spern bank

However nothing is firm yet.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill have grown up. They've graduated from uni, gotten married and got a job at the same firm.

One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The ...

My wife and I went to see a Psychologist.

She told the doctor about our son's hallucinations. He sees imaginary people all the time.

The doctor prescribed her pills and pulled me into a corner. "Divorce her through my wife's firm and I will count today's session FREE" were the words that came out of his mouth, explaining that she was...

Blonde Goes Horse Riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse'...

"I'm NOT a window cleaner!"

(Inspired by IT crowd)

One gloomy day in London a man by the name of Roy walks in a park, taking a short break from his job in an IT department. Suprisingly, he runs into an old school friend named Alister during his walk, and they catch up. Alister is a local writer for a very famous publish...

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The monkey and the Lion

Deep down in the depths of the jungle, the fierce lion roared at the monkey who had just made it up his tree.

"Oh monkey why won't you come on down !" He roared .

"NO, your going to eat me!"

"I'm not little monkey, I'll ask tiger to tie my front paws up. "

The lions fr...

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[NSFW] [LONG] A soldier returns home from Iraq...

Greeted by his wife, he hugs her tight, and she's ready to jump his bones. He stops her however, and tells her, "Baby, while I was away, I want you to know, I didn't stray in thought or body. I spent every waking moment thinking of you, and in that process, I developed a new trick." This certainly h...

A guy walks into a Bar.

A few years of experience later, he opens his own Law Firm.

How To Ask for A Raise

EMPLOYEE: Excuse me, sir, may I talk with you?

BOSS: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

EMPLOYEE: Well, sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over 10 years.

BOSS: Yes...

EMPLOYEE: I won’t beat around the bush, sir. I would lik...

Once upon a time there was an egg...

This egg was very smart, even at a very young age he decided to be the most successful chicken in the world! During his chick years he was so hardworking and competitive that he was always top of the class and graduated a couple of months younger than his peers. Of course, naturally he was accepted ...

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When I was growing up, I went to school with a boy named Justin Reimer.

Now, Justin's father was a Supreme Court Justice, and like father like son, Justin was the head of every political club in our school. Graduation came, he was accepted into Harvard's School of Law (to no one's surprise), and that was the last I saw of him. Or so I thought...

Twenty years late...

A blonde went to a ventriloquist show....

And the ventriloquist kept making blonde jokes. As the evening progressed the blonde got madder and madder until she couldn’t take it any more.

She stood up and yelled at the ventriloquist.

“Listen, I am sick and tired of the blonde jokes. I am an attorney in a successful law firm. I...

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man...

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man, is in town on business and towards the end of his trip he decides to take a walk on the docks and take in the ocean view.

As he's walking he comes up on a young boy, maybe 12 years old, crying on the edge of the dock.

Mr. Smith hesitates but decides to a...

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Times are hard at the small office....

...and the manager needs to make a difficult decision to reduce headcount.
He has two employees in consideration; the first employee, Jack, has been with the firm for 20 years. He's rock solid, is a top performer, and is a real team player.

The other employee was only recently hired: she'...

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A secretary received an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.

She sent him a "Thank You” note the following day.

The boss's wife read the note and filed for divorce.

The note said: Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in hea...

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Three men are waiting to see the doctor...

...and as they wait, they begin to reveal to each other why they are seeking medical attention.

The first man reveals:

‘Gentlemen, when I go to the toilet, I can’t do number 1. I’ve sat, I’ve stood, I’ve whistled, I’ve hummed, and all in vain. My balls (since pee is stored therein) ar...

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone.
He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at any time, any where... your place or my place, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man calls his secretary...

A man calls his secretary, but the call goes to his boss instead. The man says “Hey! Get ur lazy ass up and bring me a damn coffee!” The boss, a firm believer in respect in the workplace, is outraged! She says “Listen here, sir! I am the manager of this company! Furthermore, I own this entire buildi...

The Consultant

A timeless lesson on how Consultants can make a difference.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he als...

‘Hobbies’ in CVs

Should be changed to ‘Hobbies that will be crushed in your firm’

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for a consultation with a medicine man living in a nearby village who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the village and saw the medicine man.

The old medicine man gave him a potion and, with a firm grip on his shoulder, warned ...

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Four Guys Are at a High School Reunion

Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how succesful their sons are.
Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a cardealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri.
Guy 2: Thats nothing, my son owns an airliner a...

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Old joke slightly different. An old peach salesman drives up to a house and knocks...

- Beautiful lady answers door with not much on. Asks old man what she can for you

- old man asks if she’d like to buy some peaches

- she says, I don’t know, takes his hand and puts it on her breast. Asks “Are your peaches as firm and nice as this.”

- he says, “yes ma’am”...

Dave joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and Dave immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, “Sir, did you call for me?”

Dave replies, “No, what do you m...

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An old catholic irishman is lying on his deathbed.

He was strict in his religion and firm in his believe for his whole life, cursing the protestants and calvinists with every day he lived. But now, as he is surrounded by his 8 sons and 22 Grandchildren, waiting with him through these last hours, he beckons one of them closer.

"Bobby," he whis...

Where does a lawyer go to buy a bed?

A MatressFirm

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Duchess returned to the Manor one evening and encountered her butler in her boudoir

She looked the butler straight in the eye and said:

“James, take off my dress.” James took off her dress.

“James, take off my petticoat.” James took off her petticoat.

“James, take off my bra.” James took off her bra.

“James, take off my panties.” James took off her p...

When the teenage daughter has been knocked up.

A teenage girl goes to her mother and tells her that she is pregnant. The mother is outraged by this news.

"Who is this scumbag who has done this to you? I demand to know who it is!"

The girl calls the father-to-be. 30 minutes later, a fancy limousine parks next to the house and a dis...

A blonde is looking for a job

On the first day she applied for a clerk in a business firm and had an interview. When she's finished the manager said,"I'm afraid you're not capable of the duty."

On the second day she applied for the McDonald's and had an interview. The manager kicked her out and said,"you dumb get lost."...

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Two men with black eyes are sitting at a bar

One turns to the other and asks “how did you get your black eye?”

The other man replies “I need a ticket from Boston to Pittsburgh, and the cashier selling the tickets had large, firm breasts. I tried not to think about them when I ordered my ticket but when she asked me what I wanted I said ...

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My buddy told me that he's been sleeping with twins and the sex is amazing..

I said that's awesome, but how do you tell them apart?

"Well Diane's got nice firm tits and a shaved pussy...and Peter's got a moustache"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica.

They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to t...

The veteran’s affairs office requests several ex-soldiers to come by and hear about a new pension plan.

“Alright men,” the official begins, “we’ve tried out a lot of pension plans in the past and none of them have worked out. At this point, we’re winging it. We’re going to measure between two points of your body, and whatever the distance is in inches, that’s how many thousand dollars you’ll get. So t...

Handshake

Him: That’s a firm handshake for a woman.

Her: That’s a small bulge for a man.

Him: Your mom didn’t think so.

Her: My mom died.

Him: Of exhaustion.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Official Rules for Indoor Golf

(an oldie, but a goodie)

1. Each player will furnish his own equipment for play; normally, one club and two balls.

2. Course to be played must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out of ...

A man walks into a bar

and sees a gorgeous woman, he walks up behind her and says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it goin'?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car...

Some bloke wants to become a lawyer

The guy (lets call him John) has been dreaming about being the greatest lawyer in the state for years, and has spent the past half a decade working super hard at law school to achieve this goal.

One day, he gets an interview for a highly successful law firm called "Anderson and Nelson At Law"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple have four children.

The first three have ginger hair and green eyes, while the youngest has brown hair and eyes. On his death bed, the husband says to his wife, “Be honest with me: is our youngest child truly mine?” His wife looks him in the eye and says a firm “Yes.” The man breathes a sigh of relief and passes away. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Four guys out golfing and talking about their sons.

4 older guys were out golfing. As they were waiting for their companion to find his ball that went into the rough, the other 3 started talking about their sons.

The first man said "My son's been doing pretty good lately. He was never too studious but he was always a people person and had the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A joke for married golfers

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pu...

A Muslim, Buddhist and Christian stands on a rooftop.

They all have great faith towards their respective God and agreed they jump from the rooftop of a 20-storey building and that they will be saved.

So the muslim, very firm in his belief, jumped first and started calling to Allah.
He chanted "AllahAllahAllahAllahAllah....." repeatedly with g...

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree to a ...

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An American is visiting London for the first time

As he's walking around he notices a long line forming on the distance. Curious as to what's going on he gets in the back of the line and asks the man in front of him "So what's the deal with this line?"
The Brit promptly replay with a firm
"Fuck you"
This caught the American off guard. Fla...

Two Boll Weavels

There were once two brothers that happened to be boll weavels. They lived in Nashville, TN and both loved country music. One brother desired more than just to destroy crops and listen to the radio, so he learned to play guitar. He got so good, he became a successful country music star. Fame and fort...

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Ethel

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually j...

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The creation of woman.

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Tw...