Now that New York's in lock down, what will the Wall Street traders be doing?

Insider trading.

Today in History class we learned that evil slave traders used to lure and capture Kalahari bushmen by speaking their language to draw them out in the open.

A terrible, early form of click bait.

What does a fur trader listen to on Spotify?

Trap music.

My dad is a bitcoin trader

I asked, "Dad, could you lend me a tenner please?"

Dad - "£9.42? What do you need £11.63 for?

What do you call it when stock traders take over your home?

An investation

The wise spice trader was known for his sage advice

He was less sought after for his oregano guidance, his thyme tips, and his rosemary consultations.

On the scale of attractiveness from 1 to 10 I’m a 6 at Trader Joe’s.

But I’m a strong 8 at Walmart.

What do you call an extra large Trader Joe's?

TJ Maxx

These days, iron and steel are traded on the international commodity market, and if you need some, you just need to contact a trader.

Formerly, if you wanted iron or steel, you would need to go to an ironworks or even a blacksmith's and negotiate directly with the men who made it.

Whoever smelted, dealt it.

How to tell if a person is a stock market trader or a cuckolding enthusiast?

Ask them the opposite of 'bull'.

An English tourist in a Cairo marketplace was offered a large skull by a street trader

"This is the skull of Great Queen Cleopatra for only One hundred English pound." said the trader.

The tourist says, "No thank you, it's far too expensive."

Then the trader produces a small skull and says, "How about this one?"

The tourist asks, "Whose skull is that?"

The ...

Why was the stock trader electrocuted?

He shorted Tesla

So Trader Joe's has a new policy wear you cant bring in bags anymore...

I was walking into Trader Joe's with my reusable bags as an elderly couple was walking out.
Elder Man: You cant go in with those bags
Me: What?
EM: You cant go in with those old bags
Me: What are you talking about?
EM: Its the new policy you cant bring in old bags anymore
Me: That...

A vegan, a bitcoin trader and someone who didn’t vote in 2016 all walk into a bar.

Who tells you about it first?

What happens when corn traders in the commodity market indulge in greedy but lame practices to profit?

Corny capitalism

How do crypto traders call no nut november?

HODL it

A Bitcoin trader walks into a bar

He walks up to the bar, orders a whiskey, pays the bartender one bitcoin and says, "By this time tomorrow it might be worth a million bucks!"

The bartender pours him a glass of water and says, "By this time tomorrow it might be Scotch."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are stock traders so good at sex?

Same principal, you gotta pull out at the right moment or it costs you.

Two traders go to the beach.

They lay their beach towels on the sand and while one watches the boats out on the water, the other one decides to take a nap.

After a while, the first one notices the waves come closer and closer to their towels. He says to his friend :

\- Hey... the tide's rising, we should move furt...

What do you call a Jamaican spice trader?

Cinna-Mon.

World's greatest stock trader retires

Jack Thompson was the most famous stock trader on Wall Street. His funds had made money, in good markets and bad, for decades. Finally ready to retire, he was going to reveal his secrets in an exclusive interview. "What are your tricks?" Asked the reporter. "I've got only one secret. Years ago I not...

I used to be a stock trader when I was a fetus, until my mother was arrested.

For inside her trading.

A recently fired stock trader said:

"This is worse than a divorce, I have lost everything and I still have my wife!" 😩

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old Joe, the blind fur trader walks into a bar...

After sitting down and folding up his blind poking stick he says, "I'll bet anyone here $50 here I can guess what your pelt is and what you killed it with!"

The first taker throws a pelt on his table. Joe feels the fur, tests its texture and smell, feels the wound of the killing blow. Says, "...

I've always wanted to be an organ trader

But I didn't have the stomach for it.

How the Internet started according to the bible.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto...

Where do slave traders go to work?

The black market

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

Alaska

These two guys had both just got divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and tol...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Camel Mechanic

A man buys a camel from an old trader who tells him, that it will only start walking if it hears a special word. The man is so excited about having his own camel, that he completely forgets the special word and can't get it to move. After many hours of trying, he decides to go looking for the old tr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mountain Man

Well Tom was a high powered business man and successful stock market trader, but he sure was fed up with life in the fast lane of New York City. Fed up with the hustle and the bustle. Fed up with the fickle market. But one night, sipping scotch, he realized that the root of all his problems was PEOP...

Brian Blessed was flying his bi-plane over the Sahara desert when out of nowhere the engine spluttered and stop and he found himself hurtling toward the ground.

As he crawled out of the wreckage, Brian couldn't believe he had survived the crash. He checked himself for injuries, a few scratches but nothing major; no broken bones, no concussion, not even whiplash from the plane's impact with the ground. For a second he considered himself lucky. Until he looke...

ICE-CREAM sellers.....

Make your job sound more important by telling people that you're a 'Walls Treat Trader'!

Thank god.

A man is at a looking to buy a horse, the horse trader leads him to a majestic white stallion.

The horse trader said: "This horse can understand three commands, if you want it to walk, say 'Praise God', if you want it to gallop say 'Thank God' and if you want it to stop say 'Oh My God'. "...

How do you make one million dollars in a month?

Start with five million and become a day trader.

the knights

What is the name of the knight who moonlights as a geologist?

Sir Vey

What is the name of the agreeable knight?

Sir Tenly

What is the name of the Knight who used to be a slave?

Sir Vent

What are the names of the Knights who run the graduation ceremony?
...

Just logged into Amazon's Amazon account...

Publix, Wegmans and Trader Joe's came up on their recommended purchases list.

Two men in a desert

Two men are wandering the desert. They've been there for days, and can't remember how they got there; the only thing in their minds right now is that they need water to survive another day in this scorching heat.

Midday passes, and the men are succumbing to despair - but wait, what's this? Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A NYC cab driver is en route to pick up a passenger at the stock exchange

On his way, he keeps door-checking stock traders as he goes by, laughing his ass off.

As he pulls up, he notices his customer is a priest, so he internally curses - he can't keep hitting stock brokers while he's got a man of God in the car with him.

They exchange pleasantries and leave...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.