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Erection Jokes

A Husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an Erection with his Wife and she was getting frustrated.

The Doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the Wife.

He took Her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.

Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed.

He then ...

The 4 hour erection...

I went to a chemist store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. 

The woman I spoke to said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. 

She asked if she could help me.

I said that I really would have preferred to spea...

I had a dream last night that I was fighting an erection.

I was able to beat it off single handedly

I asked my masseuse if it was normal to get an erection during my massage

He said it was perfectly normal. I said, “Ok, but could you at least stop bumping it into me?”

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

As he pushed in the rectal thermometer, I felt myself getting a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," the vet said

The first night in prison and not sleeping next to my wife, I wrestled uncontrollably with a large and throbbing erection.

I just wish it had been mine.

My girlfriend apologised for not giving me an erection

I told her there were no hard feelings

What is it called when Batman gets an erection?

The Dark Knight Rises

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A man is told by his doctor that he'll never again have a erection.

"It's a very unique case of erectile dysfunction" the doctor says.

"There is only only way to possibly cure it, but the procedure is very risky and unorthodox. You see, I can graft tissue from an elephant's truck into your penis, which could allow you to achieve an erection."

The man,...

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Election and Erection are almost spelled the same. They both mean the same thing too.

A dick rising to power

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What's the similarity between election and erection?

Only dicks can stand in both of them.

What do you call a turtle with an erection?

A slow poke!

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What does Japanese people do when they have erection?

They vote.

I was confused when my boss fired me for constantly having erection at the office

He is the one who told me he liked seeing employees hard at work.

Doctor told me it was perfectly normal to get an erection during the prostate exam

- " But doctor, I don't have an erection"

- "I do, but it's perfectly normal"

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Solution to erection problems

I’m about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: she bought me some Viagra and I bought her a treadmill.

Doctor to patient: Don't worry, It's pretty common to get an erection during a rectal examination

Patient: I don't have an erection..
Doctor: But I do.

My grandpa never laughs at my erection jokes.

I guess he doesn't get them.

Whats the difference between a porsche and an erection?

I dont have a porsche.

(Best told by whispering in someones ear.)

Why did Bilbo Baggins die with an erection?

Old hobbits die hard.

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Bloke goes to a doctor and says 'Why is it that every time I look in the mirror, I get an erection?'

Doctor says 'It's because you look like a twat!'

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One day the pope wakes up with an erection

Damnit, must have been a side effect from the Holy Viagra. It won't go away, but he has a parade to go to that morning! So he steps onto his Holy Balcony, slips out of his Holy Pyjamas, and does what most people do when they have an erection they want to get rid of.

That's masturbate, by the ...

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As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.





Edit: HOLY SHIT FRONT PAGE!!!! I'm so excited i almost cum in my pants! but i came in my dog instead :)

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I once tried to have sex with a great white shark, but lost my erection

my leg, and half my arse.

What’s the difference between an erection and a Camaro?

I don’t have a Camaro!


That joke works better when a guy says it so someone please take it.

I fought an erection this morning

Beat it single handed.

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Yesterday I dissolved a Viagra in my mouth just to see what would happen. I didn't get an erection,...

...but I did tell a few people some hard truths.

What do you call a Viking's erection?

"Norwegian Wood"

A Mexican with a raging erection walks into a wall. What part hits the wall first?

The lawnmower.

My clone gets an erection every time someone walks into the room...

I must've made a hard copy.

I ran into a wall with a full erection this morning

I am hospitalized now because i broke my nose

Did you hear about the komodo dragon that couldn't get an erection?

Turns out he had ereptile dysfunction

I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus and all I could think to myself was, “Don’t get an erection, don’t get an erection”…

But she did.

What is it called when a statistician can't get an erection?

Percentile disfunction

I'm quite sad... since I turned 70, I barely can have an erection anymore. But I'm also happy :

My wife seems, at last, to got rid of her never-ending headaches.

My new diet and exercise program requires me to not eat for 24 hrs and maintain an erection

It’s a hard and fast rule

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A friend of mine has an overly large schlong and will show his erection to anyone for five bucks.

I asked him why and he said he's hard up for cash.

Once a hobbit gets to around 125 years old, they are very likely to die. And a little known fact is that, when they do, they are generally found to have a raging, post-mortem erection!

That's right, old hobbits die hard.

I won first place in the Biggest Erection contest

I had some stiff competition.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...

My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection...

You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

Erect your ears for this one

A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills

What's the difference between polite conversation and an erection?

I can maintain polite conversation.

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The Priest and his ERECTION!!!

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pre...

Men of reddit, does sunset give you an erection?

Because morning would.

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What is erection fraud ?

Viagra

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A woman told her husband to go to the doctor because he couldn't get an erection.

He came home with a bottle of pills.

His wife asked, "So, did he give you Viagra or Cialis?"
The husband replied, "Neither, he gave me really strong diet pills."
His wife responded, "That's weird, why would you have to take diet pills?"

Handing her the bottle, the man say...

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A man was having a pee at a urinal in Jamaica when a local man joined him..

"What is that tattoo you have on your penis?" Says the local man

"Oh, it says WY now because it was the name of my ex girlfriend, Wendy, so when I get an erection it says her name.." says the man.

"Take a look at this" the Jamaican shows the man his penis, also having WY on his penis.....

My evening wouldn’t normally start out with an erection...

..but my morning wood.

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What do you get when you cross Viagra and Donald Trump???

Erection Fraud.

Dont hate me.

What's the worst place to get an erection?

In your ear.

Hiding an erection isn't as easy as you may think...

It's harder than it looks...

My wife suggested I get an erection enhancer .

So I did.

Her name is Tamy, shes a 21 yr old dancer

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(A character in a dream told me this joke) This dude calls his vet and says "My dog ate one of my Viagra and has had an erection for more than four hours, what should I do?"

The vet replied, "Did you try to manually induce ejaculation?"

The guy goes, "Yeah I tried but I couldn't get hard because my dog ate my last pill!"

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How do you keep an erection?

Don't fuck with it

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My wife wanted me to get some viagra so I could get an erection..

She didn’t understand anything when I came home with weight-loss pills for her.

,, Don't feel embarassed Sir, erection is common during a prostate exam"

,, But doctor, I don't have an erection! "

,, I know, but I do"

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What's the difference between an erection and an election?

One involves only one dick, and the other involves many.

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I took some viagra and now my erection won't go away.

I think I have a shoplifting fetish.

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Here's some advice for all men

If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection

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Went for a testicle check up last week. The little tai nurse cupped my balls and said 'dont worry, it's normal to get an erection during this procedure'

I said 'i haven't got an erection'

She said 'no, but I have'

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Once there was a women's bowling team. Everyone on the bowling team was so-so at bowling, with the exception of two women.

One of the two women was named Martha. Martha was absolutely abysmal at bowling. Every single game, she got at least nine gutter balls.

The other woman was Linda, and she was the best player who had ever set foot in the bowling alley. Every time the team won a bowling match, Linda was r...

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What does a Jew with an erection get when he walks into a wall?

A broken nose, i will sit in the corner now.

I thought getting an erection during a prostate exam was inappropriate, but my Doctor told me it happens all the time, just ignore it.

I tried to but he kept rubbing it against my hip.

I made an appointment with my doctor because I couldn’t get an erection.

But I later had to cancel because something came up.

What does a carpenter use to make a casket when someone dies with an erection

Mourning wood

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A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection.

After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment co...

It's pretty rough on an old man when his semi-annual erection ....

deteriorates into an annual semi-erection.

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A 6 year old boy visits the zoo with his parents…

…where they stop to see the elephant. While the father’s in the restroom, the son notices one elephant has a rather large erection. Curious, he gets his mom’s attention.

“Mommy, what’s that hanging from the elephant?” “Oh, that’s its trunk honey.” “No, further back!” “Ah, you mean its tail!” ...

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There was a guy who was having chronic trouble getting an erection.

After weeks of frustration, he finally decides he is going to go see a doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and eventually makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.

"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deterioratin...

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

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Spiderman, Iron-man and Superman decided to check who has the strongest erection

Spiderman, Iron-man and Superman decided to check who has the strongest erection

 

Iron-man thinks about Pepper Potts hangs 5-gallon bucket on his shlong and walks 5 yards. Everybody praises him.

 


Spiderman thinks about Gwen Stacy hangs 20-gallon ke...

My doctor said it's normal to get an erection during a prostate exam

But I would still prefer it if he didn't whip it out in the middle of our appointment.

What do truck drivers do when they get too old to have an erection?

Get a new Peterbilt

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Final Erection

A man ask the Doctor about his erection problems and what it could be done about. The Doc told him that's age related and that there is not much he can do about BUT:
"Just eat a popsicle and keep the stick. Tie it under your dick, it's not perfect but will do..."

The man does as advised an...

When I was a kid I didn't know how difficult it was to conceal an erection sometimes.

I had to learn the hard way.

How to define an erection

Different times, different measures

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What is the difference between an erection and an election?

An erection is what a man needs to achieve first to fuck his partner.


An election is what a politician needs to achieve first to fuck his people.

The most embarrassing erection I ever got was during a prostate exam.

Of course then he realised I wasn’t a real doctor.

What happens when an Asian guy with an erection runs into a wall?

He hurts his nose.

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I saw this gorgeous Thai lady with spectacular boobs get on the train and sit opposite me. I thought to myself 'Don't get an erection!'

But she did.

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I had an unremarkable erection today.

It was an OK boner.

I got a massive erection while I was giving the eulogy at my mom's funeral.

I had real bad mourning wood.

Women wake up yawning and men with an erection.

Coincidence?

I think not.

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A blind man's big penis

A blind man was always turned down by women because of his disability. He knew one thing though, that he had an abnormally large erection. Knowing he couldn't successfully have a relationship, and use his hammer properly, he asked one of his dear friends to bring him to "pleasure palace", a local se...

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Doctor, I have a sexual problem.

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic s...

If Bruce Willis were to pass away with an erection

He would die hard

An erection doesn't stop you from urinating

It just makes it hard

A man was hospitalized for a permanent erection

The positive side is now he’s up for anything

What do you call a fan who dies with an erection ?

A die 'hard' fan.

PS - 1st joke here.I am sorry.

So I was arrested for showing my erection to an NPR host...

I don't get it. She SAID she wanted to see more sustaining members.

What do you name a horse that never loses an erection?

"Horneigh"

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First post here so idk if it’s already been done. What kind of erection does a musician get?

A tromboner

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