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Phallus Jokes

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A guy loses his penis in an accident.

He asks the doctor if there’s any hope of reconstruction. The doctor says “Sure. There have been a lot of medical advancements lately, but it’s not cheap.”

“How much does it cost?” asked the man.

“About $1,000 an inch. You should probably discuss this with your wife and let me know wha...

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What’s it called when you believe something’s a penis, but it’s actually not?

A phallusy.

Man, 25, muscular, 9" phallus.



Seeking woman that doesn't objectify men.

Before I was born god gave me 2 options: A good memory or a big phallus.

I don't remember my choice

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4 nuns died and went to heaven

The angel infront of the gate asked the first nun "have you held a phallus" and the nun said "accidentally I touched the tip once" and the angel said "wash your finger tips in that basin of holy water and your sins would be cleared", the angel asked the 2nd nun the same question and the 2nd nun sai...

A phallus shaped potato ruled the world with an iron fist.

He was a Dic-tater.

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There was a King who's Queen was horny af

She couldn't last a day without sex and was quite a seductress. He had no problems with this as she was super hot and she was always by her side but one day the king had to go to a nearby village to quell an uprising for a few days. There was nothing he could do to avoid it and taking the Queen with...

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A woman had been seeing a psychiatrist for several sessions.

At the end of one of them, she said to the shrink, "I have a question that's been bugging me for weeks."

The psychiatrist said, "What do you need to know?"

The woman replied, "You have been talking about phallic symbols. What's a phallus?"

The psychiatrist was take aback by the...

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There once was a woman from Dallas

Who used a stick of dynamite as a phallus

They found her vagina

In North Carolina

And her arsehole in Buckingham Palace

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Theodore Roosevelt and William McKinley were walking down Pennsylvania Avenue

Theodore Roosevelt and William McKinley were walking down Pennsylvania Avenue. As they passed the intersection with 15th street NW, they came across a man dressed as a massive phallus smoking a cigarette.

Roosevelt, being opposed to the use of tobacco products, stopped the man and said "Son, ...

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Anna Freud, asks Sigmund Freud

Anna Freud, before she became a great analyst, is in Vienna, at home with her father. The two of them are discussing psychoanalysis, when Anna turns to Freud and says "There is one thing I have always been meaning to ask that I am not sure about: What is the phallus?" Freud says "Well, this is somet...

There once was a cult obsessed with male genitalia

There once was a cult that was obsessed with male genitalia.
This cult would accept anybody with a phallus, or even something resembling it in the appropriate place.
You could say that they never turned away any potential members.

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Anyone hear about the ocean full of dicks?

It was a phallus-sea.

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An exhibitionist cross path with a 6 yo girl on her way to school.

He asks the little girl "Hey, honey, do you know what a phallus is ?"

"No mister, I've never heard of it"

He then gets his raincoat wide open, revealing the erected object and starting to laugh frantically "It's this ! hahahahaha"

To which the child answers "Oh I see, it's like ...

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Did you hear about the one where Sailors abroad will randomly view the ocean as full of Dicks?‏

Did you hear about the one where Sailors abroad will view the ocean as full of dicks?‏



Well I'm here to tell you...‏



...It is a Fallacy, That the Fella's see, A Phallus Sea.

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A man and his makeshift turban go to see the doctor

"What seems to be the problem?"

The man slowly unravels his makeshif turban to reveal... a fully grown phallus growing out of the middle of his forehead.

"Ahem, how long has this being going on for Sir?"

"It's been growing for around 3 months. Can you fix it Doctor? What on Ea...

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A man goes out camping.

And as he's driving to the campsite, he gets a text from his friend who set him up with his date, saying that he just found out his blind date might have a cock.

The man starts to think to himself, "How can I find out for sure without my date thinking I'm a creep?" And he thinks about it the ...

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“I don’t know, but...”

Joe walks into a bathroom. He walks up to a urinal and unzips his pants when he hears “Psst.. buddy. Can you help a guy out?” Joe looks over and sees a man standing a couple urinals down. “Uh.. what?” inquires Joe. “Buddy, I need help unzipping my fly,” responds the man, who upon saying so nods his ...

Abracadabra

A blonde, brunette, and a red are frolicking on the beach when the blonde suddenly trips over a bottle in the shape of a phallus.

Blonde: What is this? What do we do with it?

Red head: We're supposed to rub it silly!

So they huddle around the bottle and using both hands they all...

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Moe’s Saloon in the Old West was seeing a lot of customers lately...

It was getting busier and busier by the day, so much so that there was barely a seat left in the whole joint. The hotshots were playing poker, the 49-ers were drinking and cat-calling the dames. The piano was playing, the whiskey was flowing, everyone was having the time of their lives. Suddenly, th...

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Voodoo dick

A married couple is very happy in their life, but the husband took a new very lucrative job that is going to keep him away from home for weeks and possibly months at a time. He loves his wife and understands that she will have certain... needs while he's away, so he tells her, "Take the credit card,...

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Voodoo Dick.

A man was going to go off on a business trip for two weeks. Not wanting to leave his wife wanting, he decided to get something to keep her "satisfied".

He spotted an adult store and decided to check it out. Walking around the store, he saw all sorts of toys and gadgets of pleasure. Dildos ...

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A businessman is going out of town for 3 weeks...

His wife is a total nympho and he knows that she will never be able to remain faithful for that long. In an attempt to quell her sexual appetite, he goes to a sex shop on the outskirts of town. He spends several minutes pouring over dozens of dildos, dongs, vibrators, and other toys. However, he kno...

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Vodoo Dick

A woman complains to her friend that she hasn't been laid in years and she feels so lonely. Her friend suggests that she visit the Haitian store and she will get help. The woman is curious so she goes to the store and bashfully explains her situation to the store owner. He pulls out a wooden phallus...

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