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Hard On Jokes

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Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead body with a hard on

The first nurse says, "Damn, can't let that go to waste," and rides him.

The second nurse does the same.

The third nurse hesitates and explains that she's on her period, but still rides him.



Then the man sits up. The three nurses apologize profusely and say that they th...

What do you drink to get rid of a hard on?

Any soft drink will do

What's the difference between a light on and a hard on?

You can sleep with a light on

What do you call a vampire hard on

*Rigamortis*

What do you call a man falling down the stairs with a hard on?

Rock and roll

What's long and hard on a hillbilly?

second grade.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: A cowboy, hard on his luck, walks into a bar and sits down at a stool.

He orders himself a shot, and the bartender passes one down. The cowboy looks behind the bartender and sees a big glass suitcase full of money and asks, "Hey, bartender! What's that big glass suitcase full of money right there?"

"Hell, that's for anybody that can do 3 things for me."

"...

my wife left me because i'm obssesed with africa

kenya believe it?

and we have two kids together, this divorce is ghana be so hard on them

I don't know why Christians are so hard on unwed teen mothers.

I mean, Jesus turned out alright.

What's long and hard on a black guy

His prison sentence

I hope this hasn't been said before, I half came up with this all by my lonesome

What do you call a religious guy with a hard on?

A firm believer.

What do you call a turtle with a hard on?

-A slow poke.

Filming *Aladdin* must have been physically very hard on Will Smith.

I understand that at the end of each day shooting he was black and blue.

I got a hard on at my wifes funeral

Guess you could say I had mourning wood.

This social situation during Covid has been really hard on me emotionally.

Everyone has been so distant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man decided to tattoo his wife's name on his penis before going to their honeymoon

When erect it proudly reads *Wendy* on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows *Wy*.

While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a *Wy* on his penis. He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy.
...

I was on a date and she said you smell nice, what have you got on?

I said I’ve got a hard on but I didn’t know you could smell it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.” “OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
>“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife now has it, too.”

“Son of a bitch!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve a...

Have you heard about the dyslexic who was working too hard on his imagination skills?

He ended up in Santa Fe.

I've been working really hard on controlling my alcoholism

I can't remember the last time I blacked out.

We shouldn't be too hard on people who use toxic building materials.

They did asbestos they could.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the difference between being self-motivated and being too hard on yourself?

Viagra.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex Ed teacher walks into class with a condom and a banana

He addresses the class and says "today i will show you how to use a condom and i have this banana because i can't get hard on an empty stomach"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse's aide walks in, bends over & blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home....

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What do you call it when Stephen Hawking gets a raging hard on?

A bonerfied genius.

I woke up with a raging hard on....

I called my wife over and told her to fix my clock. She said "that doesn't look like a clock." I responded, "if you put a face and 2 hands on it it does."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman is flying around with a hard on...

when he sees Wonder Woman naked on top of a building. He thinks to himself, "I could use my super speed to get in there and out real fast and she wouldn't be the wiser." In a flash he makes it over to her, and then is again on his way.

"What was that?" asks Wonder Woman. The Invisible Man res...

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A gold one

Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whisp...

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A kid tells his teacher "You only teach useless crap!"

She replies "Don't be so hard on yourself."

My very pregnant wife complained that bending over the sink to wash dishes was too hard on her back

"Oooh babe," I sympathized, "why don't you just stand sideways?"

The stitches come out on Monday.

What do Russian women get from their husbands that's long and hard on their wedding night?

His last name.

I was so poor as a child that

If I didn’t wake up with a hard on on Christmas Day I didn’t have anything to play with.

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