What do you call a vampire hard on

*Rigamortis*

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Three Nurses working in a morgue discover a Dead Man with a hard on!

The 1st Nurse says 'I can't let that go to waste', & rides him. The 2nd Nurse does the same. The 3rd Nurse hesitates & explains she is on her period, but does him anyway. Then the Man sits up & the Nurses apologize saying they thought he was dead. The Man replies 'l was, but after two ju...

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“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.” “OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
>“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife now has it, too.”

“Son of a bitch!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve a...

Women who marry Polish men get something long and hard on their wedding day.

A new last name.

What's long and hard on a hillbilly?

second grade.

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"Don't be so hard on yourself" Said our office janitor.

While i was masturbating;

*seeing myself naked in the washroom mirror.*

This social situation during Covid has been really hard on me emotionally.

Everyone has been so distant.

Have you heard about the dyslexic who was working too hard on his imagination skills?

He ended up in Santa Fe.

What do you call a religious guy with a hard on?

A firm believer.

Filming *Aladdin* must have been physically very hard on Will Smith.

I understand that at the end of each day shooting he was black and blue.

I don't know why Christians are so hard on unwed teen mothers.

I mean, Jesus turned out alright.

The doctor: "It's perfectly okey to get a hard on whilst doing a prostate examination."

Patient :" but doctor I don't have a hard on?"

Doctor:"No, but I do"

My very pregnant wife complained that bending over the sink to wash dishes was too hard on her back

"Oooh babe," I sympathized, "why don't you just stand sideways?"

The stitches come out on Monday.

What's long and hard on a black guy

His prison sentence

I hope this hasn't been said before, I half came up with this all by my lonesome

We shouldn't be too hard on people who use toxic building materials.

They did asbestos they could.

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Whats the difference between being self-motivated and being too hard on yourself?

Viagra.

I got a hard on at my wifes funeral

Guess you could say I had mourning wood.

I've been working really hard on controlling my alcoholism

I can't remember the last time I blacked out.

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What do you call it when Stephen Hawking gets a raging hard on?

A bonerfied genius.

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Superman is flying around with a hard on...

when he sees Wonder Woman naked on top of a building. He thinks to himself, "I could use my super speed to get in there and out real fast and she wouldn't be the wiser." In a flash he makes it over to her, and then is again on his way.

"What was that?" asks Wonder Woman. The Invisible Man res...

I woke up with a raging hard on....

I called my wife over and told her to fix my clock. She said "that doesn't look like a clock." I responded, "if you put a face and 2 hands on it it does."

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2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the other...

Prostate exam

Patient bent over naked about to get his prostate checked.
Dr says "ok Dave don't get a hard on "
Patient says " my name is Kenneth"
Dr says " my name is DAVE"

How to stay in class

A college student walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What a day. Our calculus instructor has to be one of the most difficult professors on the campus," the student says. "If she wasn't so drop-dead gorgeous I would have dropped the class already." "So I guess you could says she's easy on the ...

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A cowboy is walking in the woods one day when he comes to a clearing.....

There on a blanket is a naked Indian with a hard on.

“What are you doing?” the cowboy asks.

The Indian answers, “Me tell time.”

“OK. If you are so good, what time is it?”

The Indian looks down at his prick and the shadow it’s casting and says, “It’s

2 o’clock.”
...

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or a wedding gift a guy decides to tattoo his wife's name on his penis. When erect it proudly reads "Wendy" on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows "Wy".

While On His Honeymoon In The Caribbean, He Is Using The Bathroom And Notices The Guy In The Urinal Next To Him Also Has A "Wy" On His Penis. He Then Asks The Guy If His Wife Is Named Wendy. The Guy Replies In A Jamaican Accent "No Man, Why Do You Ask". The Husband Then Explains That He Noticed The ...

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What does sucking dick and cycling have in common?

If you make a lifestyle out of it; it can be hard on the knees.

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A student says to the teacher, "you only teach useless crap"

to which the teacher replies, "hey there no need to be so hard on yourself"

It's okay if you don't like self-deprecating humor.

You don't have to be hard on yourself.


(I'm pretty sure I just wrote that joke today. Though, I am a firm believer that no thoughts are original.)

A lady goes into labour and is rushed to the hospital

She is in labour for hours and the birth is excruciating but eventually the baby comes out. The doctor taps the baby's bottom to get it to cry but nothing happens. The doctor then uses a little more force and smacks the baby's bottom harder but still nothing. The mother is getting extremely worried....

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