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The Queens Breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.



Nick, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.



One day Nick revealed his secret ...

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and one’s a busty crustacean

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Thighs or breasts? NSFW

I was asked if I was a thighs or a breast man but I was neither, so I said I’m more a shaved pussy guy. Now I’m banned from KFC

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What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?

A seatbelt.

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What do you call two identical breasts?

Identitties.

What does breast milk taste like?

Umami.

I had a breast exam today, it wasn't good.

I got 2 Ds.

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, ...

What do you call the cleavage between breast implants?

Silicon Valley

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A wife tells her husband that she wants breast implants

Her husband says, "Why on earth would you want to do that? You look gorgeous exactly the way you are."

"But I'm not HAPPY!" the wife complains.

The husband replies, "Well, I want you to be happy. But we don't need to spend a ton of money on implants. All you need to do is rub some toi...

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I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. My digits glided over her breasts, touching them very lightly, then proceeded gently, caressing as it went down her side, sliding my paw over her stomach...

...and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do...

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Every birthday I get an erotic cake that resembles a woman's breasts....

That way I can have my cake and eat tit, too!

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A family is having dinner at the table one evening when the son asks the father, “Dad, how many different kinds of breasts are there?”

The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering, “Well my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears – still nice but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts bec...

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A plastic surgeon and a tattoo artist made a deal, where the surgeon did a breast enhancement operation for free for the tattoo artist, and in return she promised to tattoo the surgeon for free

Tit for tat

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What's the difference between Korean women with large breasts and lobsters?

One group is Busty asians and the other is Crustaceans.

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It would really sucks if breasts were made out of trees...

Wooden tit?

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What does Queen Elizabeth have between her breasts that Meghan Markle doesn't have between her breasts?

A belly button.

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What's a mathematician's favorite type of breast?

Quantitties.

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What has beautiful breasts, a full ass, and loves blowjobs?

I don’t know, but it’s not my wife

I'm fed up with women that breast feed in public

they're never smiling in their picture

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If men who like Asians have Yellow Fever what do men who like gigantic breasts have?

Boobonic Plague

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If breasts were like car horns...

...drive-in cinemas would be deafening.

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A sexy, beautiful woman was seated next to a guy on a plane and said: excuse me, can you help me remove something from my breast, please?

The guy, shocked, said yes, of course--what is it? The woman, replied--your eyes, idiot.

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A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"

So the guy runs around the next block and faces ...

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What do you call the space between a pair of fake breasts?

Silicon Valley

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Did you know that female bees have breasts?

Yeah, they are called boo bees.

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"My lord, my client is a liftman and this complainant walked in the elevator wearing low cleavage blouse showing ample amount of her breasts"

"Then she caught him checking at them and said angrily

'Stop staring at them and press one quickly ' .

And my client did exactly that. I rest my case ".

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

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A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."

"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband. "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?!"

She laughed, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

Imagine having breast implants made of wood...

...yeah, that would really hurt, wooden tit?

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Me: *stares at medusa's breasts.* Medusa: "My eyes are up here."

Me after looking: *gets rock hard*

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My Baker girlfriend has 13 breasts. Sounds Weird?

Dozen tit?

I have started drinking my wife's breast milk.

Why drink milk from some other cow when you have one at home.

Breast Feeding

A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says, "Hey woman, you b...

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what elongates when you pull on it, fits perfectly in a hole and good between breasts?

a dick.

what did you think i was gonna say, a seatbelt?

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Just recalling some fun times I had with a girl with large breasts...

Those were some fond mammaries

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When God created woman..

When God created woman,

He gave her not two breasts but three.

When the middle one got in the way

God performed surgery.

Woman stood before God,

With middle breast in hand.

Said "What do we do with the useless boob?"

And God created man.

I went on a date with a girl who's left breast was made out of timber!

....just kidding. That would be ridiculous.



Wooden tit.

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First thing men look into a women is her heart

That her breasts are in the way is not our fault.

A single father needed breast milk for his infant baby and so he asked others how he could get it.

A colleague of his who was lactating offered to give her milk to the baby.

She became his breast friend.

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Prosthetic breasts were changed to plastic material after numerous reports of lip splinters occurring during foreplay.

That would suck wooden tit?

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How old am I? I need to feel your breast..

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ ...

I'm opening a tattoo shop where I give free tattoos to girls who show me their breast

I'll call it "Tit for tat"

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I told my girlfriend that small breasts wouldn't be a problem.

She said "Ok, but I'd wish you had none."

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What type of breasts does a physicist have?

QuanTities.

1 very stretched breast.

A lady walks into the doctors office,



Doctor: So what's wrong?

Lady: Well... I've got 1 normal breast and 1 very stretched breast and i don't know what to do

Doctor: Surely it isn't as bad, let me see.

\*The lady lifts her shirt and her right breast just drops out...

A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse."

But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out her blouse.

When the officer got face to face with the woma...

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More pearly gates.............

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.


They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted." ...

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[NSFW] What do a woman's breasts and LEGO have in common?

They're both for the kids but the dad likes playing with them the most.

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A woman in her 50s was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight...

Her husband watches her for a while and asks," Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says," I don't care.I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year old."

The h...

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Pierre, the fighter pilot.

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What ar...

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What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old woman doesn't?

Her naval.

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.

Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...

...

Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

Yesterday, my wife told me she has breast cancer

“Honey,” she said, “there’s a couple things I need to get off my chest.”

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A man saw a lady with big breasts

He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

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Do you know what we call the patch of hair between grandma’s breasts?

Her vagina.

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The sex system

A married couple wanted it to be less embarrassing to ask each other for sex when one or the other does not want to do it. So they worked out a system. The wife says "Ok if you wanna have sex reach over and tug my breast one time, if you don't, tug two times." The husband says "Ok then, same for me,...

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One day, I was walking down the street when out of the blue, 6 beautiful women flashed me their breasts all at the same time. Now I know what you’re thinking...

This story sounds kind of ridiculous...

Dozen tit.

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The man who loved fishing

A husband is fanatical about fishing.

Twice a month on the weekend, he heads out for the lake early and spends most of the day.

He does this come rain or shine.

One Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and...

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A deaf couple was having trouble communicating in the bedroom once the lights were out.

One day the wife signs to the husband, “Here’s what we can do. If you want to have sex, squeeze my left breast. If you don’t want to, squeeze my right breast.”

“Ok,” signs the husband. “And if you want to have sex, pull on my penis once. If you don’t want to have sex, pull on my penis 50 time...

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A Greek, A German and An Italian get stranded after a plane crash.

They wander for days until finally they see something in the distance. They approach and are found by some local tribesmen and are accused of trespassing their village. Immediately they are led in front of the local leader:

"I am in a good mood so I will let you go if you participate in a sma...

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My wife got diagnosed with breast cancer

I told her it couldn't be that bad and she lost her tits.

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Martinis are like breasts.

One isn’t enough, and three’s too many!

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Why do some men call breasts headlights?

Because when they see them they brighten up their day.

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Little Jack (6 years old) goes with his parents to the nudist beach.

He is playing with sand and creates castles or swims in the water. After 30 minutes he comes back to his mom and asks:

“Mom Mom, why have all the women different sizes of their breasts?”

Mom answers:

“oh hmm, see my son, the women with small breasts are poor, the ones with big b...

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A woman just asked me if I like thighs or breasts

I told her I like shaved vagina and anal. Apparently this is not an appropriate answer at KFC

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My wife suspected I was cheating, so to catch me she hired a prostitute to flash her breasts and try to seduce me.

I didn't fall for that shit... I can spot a booby trap a mile away.

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A 50 year old lady gets botox.

A 50 something year old wakes up one morning and decides she doesn't like the way she looks so she gets botox.

While out grocery shopping she asks the cashier how old he thinks she is.

"oh i dont know.. Late 20s?"

"Brilliant" she says, "im actually 50! "

Later on while c...

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How are breasts like toy trains?

They're both meant for kids but grown men can't resist playing with them.

I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.

I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

I heard about people using cedar instead of silicon for breast implants, but think about if it happened to you, it'd be super weird,

Wooden tit

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Two friends are sitting at a bar

The first man says " I had a Freudian slip at breakfast this morning"

The second asks "What's that?"

"Well it's when you mean to say one thing, but say something totally different, usually sexual. Like this morning, I meant to say, 'Honey, these are the best eggs I've had' but instead ...

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They say 9/10 men like women with big breasts.

The last one probably likes the other 9.

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I’ve been trying to convince my wife to get a tattoo of a kitten on her breast.

Just so she could have a “titty tat.”

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What do you call it when a woman marries a plastic surgeon for free breast augmentation, then leaves him?

The boob scootin' boogie.

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Every second on Earth, a boob is being touched somewhere

It's the breast feeling in the world

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Have you heard the one about the woman with twelve breasts?

Me neither, but it sounds uncomfortable, dozen tit?

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If girls with big breasts work at Hooter's, then where do girls with one leg work at?

IHOP

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Just Monkeying Around

Guy goes to the zoo and is hanging out around the outdoor monkey cage. There's lots of people about and he can't see much, so he leans in over the safety rail to get a better look. A chimp, unseen until that moment, reaches through the bars and snatches a box of matches out of his shirt breast pocke...

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My ex-wife has award-winning breasts...

A sag award.

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It’s all in the breasts

So these three young women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, are in a race to see who can swim the breaststroke fastest all the way across the English Channel.

12 hours and 30 minutes after the start of the race the brunette arrives on the far side and is pronounced the winner. 1 hour la...

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One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.


The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."


This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed ...

Why do Breast Cancer survivors not like to talk about their treatment of the cancer?

It brings them bad mammaries.

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Breasts are like the sun

You can stare at them longer with sunglasses on

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Grandma in Court

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you please state your age?

**Little Old Lady:**
I am **94** years old.

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of **April 1st?**

**Little Old Lady:**
There I was, sitting there in my s...

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A woman was arrested for murder. It was easy to find her because she left her bra at the scene and she had two different sized breasts. The bra was marked Exhibit “A”

Her tits were marked Exhibits “B” and “C”

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