UPJOKE
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The Queen's breasts

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed hi...

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

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A man goes to ask the great guru, "Which is better, large breasts or small breasts?"

The great guru asks him "How much money do you have in bills in your wallet?"

The man quickly counts the money. "Thirty dollars."

"And if you had thirty dollars in coins," said the guru, "which would have the greater mass- the coins or the bills?"

"The coins of course."

"...

I wish my girlfriend wasn't so obsessed about her breast size. Even a trip to the car dealership became embarrassing.

She told the guy she wanted something that'll get her from A to B.

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An attractive woman once asked if I was more interested in breasts or legs.

I told her that I was mainly into feet and anal.


I'm no longer welcome at that KFC restaurant.

what’s the difference between an old bus station and a lobster with breast implants?

one’s a crusty bus station and the others a busty crustacean

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I know a tattoo shop where you can get inked for free if you let them put a picture of your breasts on the wall

Tit for tat

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down ...

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."


Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxiou...

What does women breast and Disney land have in common?

They are made for kids but adults enjoy them!

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A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

The new Itit a speaker breast implant.

It will finally solve the problem of men starring at women's breast and not listening to them.

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My wife said she’d like us to save money for her to get breast implants

I told her, “Why? All you need to do is rub some toilet paper between your breasts every day.”

She said, “What the hell is that going to do?”

I said, “I don’t know but it seems to have worked wonders on your ass.”

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Breasts are like the sun

If you wear sunglasses you can stare at them longer.
(I don’t know if this has already been posted here before, sorry if it has)

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Me and my wife came to an agreement. She would let me get a tattoo if I let her get a breast augmentation

Tit for tat you could say

"On this, the 10 anniversary of our time together during breast enlargement surgery, I send this note of remembrance and gratitude to you, my beloved plastic surgeon..."

"Thanks for the ***mammaries*** !"

Ba dum *TSS*!

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.


The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.


Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever c...

A woman got breast implants made of wood yesterday.

This joke would be funny if it had a punchline wooden tit?

People ask me if I’m a breast or leg man

I tell them I’m not fussy as long as there’s a good stuffing involved

know what upsets me about women breast feeding in public?

They never wink back

What did one breast say to the other?

"Well, you do have a good point"

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A woman buys a mirror and hangs it on the bathroom door.

While getting undressed she says, “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bra size 44!” There’s a blinding flash of light and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what’s happened and they both return to the bathroom.

The husband crosses his fingers an...

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A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke in...

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If a women pays for the ink on her arm with the breasts on her chest

Is that tit for tat?

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A seller at a flea market told a lady that an old mirror was magic and could grant wishes

She bought the mirror and brought it home. Looking for a suitable place to hang it, she settled on the back of the bedroom door. Taking a moment to collect her thoughts and wishes, she faced the mirror and pronounced, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my breasts size forty-four!” Instantly, her bra...

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What do you call that little thing that’s between an old woman’s breasts.

The belly button

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What's the difference between a cheap guy at a restaurant and a worker packaging silicone breast implants?

One's a shitty tipper....

The breast implant recall is making some women upset.

But I think they are making a mole hill out of a mountain.

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My girlfriend says, the new breast implants make her feel uncomfortable.

But, I think I look sexy.

I was reading that they had developed a breast prosthetic made of oak

That would be really weird, wooden tit?

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A plastic surgeon was offering discounts on breast implants.

The sign read:

A sale of two titties

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A guy is on a show, and says he can tell a woman's age by fondling her breasts and vagina

They blindfold him, bring him to a row of 10 women, and the host wishes him good luck.

So the guy starts fondling the first woman, takes his time, and says: "41 years old".

He goes on to the next, and, again, is very thorough, but after about 5 minutes says: "22".

This goes on ...

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Q: What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?

A: They were originally intended for C*hildren*,

but it's M*en* who play with them the most.

During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk.

He's unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

- Contains all the nutrients a baby needs,

- Doesn't need heating,

But he still needs one more. And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

- Has great packaging.

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What do you call a haunted pair of breasts?

BoOoOoOoOobs

Two brothers from Ethiopia

Two brothers from Ethiopia opened up this place selling camel’s milk. They brought their own camels, all the way from Ethiopia. I was interested, so I paid them a visit.

They happened to be milking the camels when I came in. It wasn’t what I expected. Nagasi wiped his brow and cried out, “Sa...

What do you call breast implants that fall out and go missing?

Bolton Wanderers.

Always wondered about using oak instead of silicon for breast implants

Be a lot firmer, wooden tit?

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Me: I met a girl with 12 breasts.

Friend: That sounds strange..

Me: Dozen tit?

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Three men are strolling along the Seafront…

Three men are walking along the seafront when they encounter a mermaid lazing about in the surf below them. The mermaid seems friendly, and the men are amazed at seeing this beautiful woman, so they strike up a conversation with her and make their way down to the beach.

Eventually, the first...

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I once made love to a woman with twelve breasts...

Sounds nice, *doesn't it*?

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What do you prefer? Breasts or Thighs?

I replied : "Personality".

Wonder why the butcher glared at me.

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I was asked if I prefer breasts or thighs. I told 'em I always go for the personality.

The butcher was confused.

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After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me She said “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

“Fair enough,” I replied, and felt her breasts.

Kelly hobbled in to the bar on a crutch with one arm in a cast.

“My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked.

“I got in a tiff with Riley.”

“Riley? He's just a wee fellow" the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand.”

“That he did" Kelly said, “A shovel it was.”

“Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in y...

What did the blonde do when she learned 1 in 8 women will get breast cancer?

She decided to only hang out in groups of 7 or fewer.

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Yesterday, I was walking down the street when I met a gorgeous blonde woman with perfect breasts who was almost as tall as me. She offered to have sex with me if I advertised a car, but I refused because my priorities are high.

But not as high as the quality of the 2022 Honda CRV.

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

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What do you call the space between 2 artificial breasts?

Silicone Valley......

I'll leave and close the door behind me

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What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?

Vector quantitties

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Defective Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Sheesh. I wonder what happened to this poor Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy smokes!" the guy replies. "You ...

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Lindsey Graham gets new suit

On a Senate trip to Japan, Lindsey Graham picked up some silk to have a custom suit made. At a top notch tailor shop in South Carolina, the tailor said with the material, he could make a single breasted suit.

Graham decided to wait, took the material to a tailor in New York who told him he c...

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The knob - Long

A rich older woman had an addiction to plastic surgery and would go to her surgeons office regularly for little touchups here and there. One day she went in and asked about a full facelift. Her surgeon suggested, instead of getting the facelift, he could install the knob for her.

What's the k...

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What do train sets and breasts have in common?

They're intended for children, but it's usually the adults who end up playing with them

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.

Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So on...

A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse."

But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out her blouse.

When the officer got face to face with the woma...

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How old am I? I need to feel your breast..

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ ...

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I'm thinking of opening a tattoo parlor where women flash their breasts for free tattoos.

Call it..."tit for tat".

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A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts" he says.

"You dirty prick!" shouts the barmaid, "Get out before I fetch my husband!" The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off" ...

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A woman gets a free tattoo after showing the artist one of her breasts.

It was a tit-for-tat situation.

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A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings. It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her "you have the nicest breasts."

She says, "thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you." He replies "I would pay you $50 just to see one of them." She thinks for a minute and decides to do it. He says "Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw... I will give you another $50 if you show me both at the same time." She do...

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A Golfing Injury

A guy went out golfing and took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he dropped to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said, "I'll have ...

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What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts, that a 25 year old one doesn't?

Her belly button

Bu dum tss

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A man is in a hotel lobby.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm...

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What is the unit of measure for time traveling breasts?

Quan-tities

What do you call breast’s without nipples?

Pointless

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Two fishermen, George and Ted, were leaving the docks one morning when they saw a gorgeous naked woman sitting on a rock. The woman was singing in a lovely soprano voice and doing nothing to cover her perfect breasts.

Figuring the woman was a mermaid, they rowed their boat over to her.

"You have such a gorgeous voice," said George. "Are you a mermaid?"

"Yes," replied the mermaid. "Whenever a mermaid sees a human she likes, she usually grants him three wishes. But since there are three of us, I think...

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Since women with big breasts work at Hooters, where do women with one leg work at?

IHOP😜

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Moving his hand all over her

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite sometime.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her s...

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Toilet Paper Miracle

Just found this joke in a pile of my late father’s belongings…

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a
su...

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[OC] I just made this joke up - be gentle

A small breasted woman was walking along the sidewalk in New York City on her lunch break, going to get something to eat. As she passed by a nearby constuction crew, they started cat-calling her.

Normally, she would just ignore them, but one guy in particular kept making fun of the fact that...

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This weird joke just came into my head randomly.

What is the thing women wear on their breasts? A booby-trap.

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When I’m watching porn, I don’t care if they have big breasts, big butts or a pretty face.

I'm a jack off all traits.

Every day I see my big-breasted neighbour doing gardening work in front of the house.

I really hope his wife tells him to put a shirt on someday.

Q: How much calcium is in a woman's breast?

A: Enough to make a bone grow big and hard!

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God created woman, and she had 3 breasts.

He said to the woman, "Is there anything on you that you'd like to change?"
She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?"

God snapped his fingers and it was done.

She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand,

"What am I going to do with this useless tit?"...

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A woman went into a doctor's office with a baby. She's taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. The doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examining table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor s...

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What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seatbelt

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Two Deaf People Get Married

Two Deaf people get married
During 1st week of marrige they found they are unable to communicate in bedroom with the lights out as they can't see each other signing and lipsing.
After several nights of fumbling and misunderstanding they finally came up with a solution
The wife said
Why ...

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A man sees a lady with big breasts.

He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"

He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

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Women with large breasts

Tend to be more successful than men with large breasts.

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Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it ...

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain...

I asked my mom if I could try to breast feed one more time.

It was a trip down mammary lane.

I think women breast feeding in public is disgusting.

I was always taught that if you didn't bring enough for the entire class, nobody gets to have any.

Breast Feeding

A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says, "Hey woman, you b...

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After seeing my new tattoo, my angered wife retaliated by getting a breast reduction...

tit for tat.

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Apparently the man was smothered to death between a pair of breasts.

There was no sign of a struggle.

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Whenever I am asked if I am a breast or thigh guy, I always tell them I am mostly in to anal...

Which always ends in me being asked to leave the KFC!

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A recent finding by statisticians shows

the average human has one breast and one testicle.

[NSFW] If a woman gets a breast implant at a discount...

Does that make it a clearance rack?

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Why are women like KFC?

After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Yesterday, my wife told me she has breast cancer

“Honey,” she said, “there’s a couple things I need to get off my chest.”

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.

Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...

...

Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

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At the age of 91 we discovered two lumps in grandma's breasts

We were so relieved the doctors discovered it was just her knees

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My girlfriend asked me whether I like breasts or legs.

Apparently, wings was not the correct answer.

My grandma had a scare when she felt a lump under her breast

Turns out it was just her knee cap

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What did the woman with 7 large breasts have?

Huge quantitties

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Found out why Americans are obsessed with breasts!

All their cooking recipes are in cup sizes

I met a guy who could remember every breast he’d ever seen

He had photographic mammary

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George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

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