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Breast Jokes

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

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A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

I wish my girlfriend wasn't so obsessed about her breast size. Even a trip to the car dealership became embarrassing.

She told the guy she wanted something that'll get her from A to B.

A woman got breast implants made of wood yesterday.

This joke would be funny if it had a punchline

Wooden tit

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The Queen's breasts

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed hi...

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A man goes to ask the great guru, "Which is better, large breasts or small breasts?"

The great guru asks him "How much money do you have in bills in your wallet?"

The man quickly counts the money. "Thirty dollars."

"And if you had thirty dollars in coins," said the guru, "which would have the greater mass- the coins or the bills?"

"The coins of course."

"...

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A girl once asked me if I was a breast or legs guy

I told her I was more into anal and feet

Now I’m banned from KFC

What do you call the cleavage between breast implants?

Silicon Valley

What does women breast and Disney land have in common?

They are made for kids but adults enjoy them!

Breast Feeding

A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says, "Hey woman, you b...

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A plastic surgeon was offering discounts on breast implants.

The sign read:

A sale of two titties

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I was asked whether I prefer breasts or thighs.

I said "Well, both are nice, but I really like is a nice wet pussy". Apparently that was the wrong reply, as I'm now banned from KFC.

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An attractive woman once asked if I was more interested in breasts or legs.

I told her that I was mainly into feet and anal.


I'm no longer welcome at that KFC restaurant.

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A man sees a lady with big breasts.

He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"

He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

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What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?

Vector quantitties

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Martinis are like breasts.

One's not enough and three are too many.

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A lady walks down the street with her breast naked

Someone tells her:

"Excuse me, Ms. You shouldn't walk like this with your breast out"

She looks at him. Looks at her breast. Turns back and runs away yelling:

"Fuck! I left my baby in the bus!"

The advantages of breast milk

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper.

The question directed: 'Give four advantages of breast milk.' What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1...

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How old am I? I need to feel your breast..

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ ...

During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk.

He's unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

- Contains all the nutrients a baby needs,

- Doesn't need heating,

But he still needs one more. And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

- Has great packaging.

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[NSFW] What do you call a haunted pair of breasts?

BoOoOoOoOobs

what's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean

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A woman just asked me if I like thighs or breasts

I told her I like shaved vagina and anal. Apparently this is not an appropriate answer at KFC

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What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seatbelt

What did the left breast say to the right breast?

We've got to get some support, or they're going to think we are nuts.

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, ...

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Apple announced a breast implant that plays music...

The iTit is considered a major social break through since women have always complained that men stare at their breasts but never listen to them.

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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

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What do you call the space between the breasts of a woman with implants?

Silicone valley

Yesterday, my wife told me she has breast cancer

“Honey,” she said, “there’s a couple things I need to get off my chest.”

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down ...

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."


Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxiou...

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.

Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...

...

Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse."

But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out her blouse.

When the officer got face to face with the woma...

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What if trees had breasts?

It wood be nice, wooden tit.

My breast wrote a novel about itself.

It's the titular character.

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Husband and wife are discussing ways to improve their sexual communication.

Wife says, “If you want to have sex, touch my left breast. If you don’t want to have sex, touch my right breast.”

Husband replies, “Ok. And if you want to have sex, touch my penis once. If you don’t want to have sex, touch my penis two hundred times.”

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Me and my wife came to an agreement. She would let me get a tattoo if I let her get a breast augmentation

Tit for tat you could say

I heard about people using cedar instead of silicon for breast implants, but think about if it happened to you, it'd be super weird,

Wooden tit

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Breasts are like the sun

If you wear sunglasses you can stare at them longer.
(I don’t know if this has already been posted here before, sorry if it has)

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[nsfw] A girl visits the doctor with a large H shaped mark on her breasts

The doctor was surprised and asked her how it happened. She replied "My boyfriend got into Harvard and was so excited he made love to me in his sweater". The doctor gave her a cream and told her to apply for a few days and the mark will disappear.

The next day, another girl came in with a Y ...

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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and r...

Do you think i should get breast implants ?

Nah

Just rub some toilet paper on ‘em

Do you think it will help?

It did wonders for your ass

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A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

He asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That is right,” said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts.
“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checki...

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What do you call the space between 2 artificial breasts?

Silicone Valley......

I'll leave and close the door behind me

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If girls with big breasts work at Hooter's, then where do girls with one leg work at?

IHOP

Some men are leg men; some men are breast men

Me? I enjoy the whole chicken.

Someone made a rude comment towards me for breast feeding in public recently.

But what am I supposed to do? A mans got to eat.

I walked into the living room to find my wife breast feeding our son...

"How long do you have to do that for?" I asked. "When is he going to be too old for it?"

"Well, it's a physical bond between a mother and her child isn't it? It's only society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age."

I replied, "Shut up, Harry. I was talking to your mother."

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a man gets on a crowded hotel elevator

In doing so he accidently elbows a woman in the breast. He pauses and whispers "Ma'am I apologize but if your heart is soft as your breast you'll forgive me" She responds "Of course you are forgiven, and if your dick get's as firm as your elbow, I'm in room 1145"

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The other day a girl asked me if I like breasts or thighs. I told her I prefer bubble butts and a trimmed pussy with thin lips...

So I got kicked out of KFC.

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All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.   

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.   

After careful consideration by a team of...

A sign on a restaurant window says "If you order it and we don't have it, you instantly win one million dollars"

A man walking by notices the sign and walks in the restaurant and sits down at the table with a smirk on his face. The waiter asks what he will be having and the man says "I will have white rhinoceros stew please." The waiter comes out with a boiling hot bowl of exactly what the man ordered. The man...

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A husband tells his wife that he met a girl with 12 breasts.

Husband: I met a girl with 12 breast.

Wife : That sounds strange.

Husband: Dozentit.

The new Itit a speaker breast implant.

It will finally solve the problem of men starring at women's breast and not listening to them.

Grandma found a lump under her left breast, but the doctor said it was OK.

>!It was just her kneecap!<

What did one breast say to the other?

"Well, you do have a good point"

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If women had breasts on their backs instead of their chests

A lot more men would take up ballroom dancing

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After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me..

She said “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

“Fair enough,” I replied and felt her breasts.

I think women breast feeding in public is disgusting.

I was always taught that if you didn't bring enough for the entire class, nobody gets to have any.

Q: How much calcium is in a woman's breast?

A: Enough to make a bone grow big and hard!

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My girlfriend says, the new breast implants make her feel uncomfortable.

But, I think I look sexy.

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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

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A woman gets a free tattoo after showing the artist one of her breasts.

It was a tit-for-tat situation.

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Apparently the man was smothered to death between a pair of breasts.

There was no sign of a struggle.

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Girl: “Forgive me Father for I have sinned”

Priest: “What did you do dear?”

Woman: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Woman: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

Woman: “Yes father.”

Priest: “That’s no reason to ca...

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Two Deaf People Get Married

Two Deaf people get married
During 1st week of marrige they found they are unable to communicate in bedroom with the lights out as they can't see each other signing and lipsing.
After several nights of fumbling and misunderstanding they finally came up with a solution
The wife said
Why ...

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The Three Types of Breasts as told from father to son

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a b...

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Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts

is to make males stupid.

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A beautiful large-breasted woman walks into a tattoo parlor...

A beautiful large-breasted woman walks into a tattoo parlor and says she really wants a tattoo but she's short on cash, and asks if there is anything they can do to help her. The sleazy shop owner thinks it over for a moment and says, "How about this. You show me those big beautiful breasts and you ...

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God: "Adam, I'll let you name the birds"

Adam: "Tit"

God: "Uhh ok"

Adam: "Boobie"

God: "Stop naming them after breasts"

Adam: *Looks at rooster*

The breast implant recall is making some women upset.

But I think they are making a mole hill out of a mountain.

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The spoon

Customer at restaurant drops a spoon. Waiter nearby immediately replaces the dropped spoon with a clean one from his breast pocket. Next time the customer sees him, the waiter has a new spoon in his breast pocket so the customer asks about the spoon.


“The owners hired a consultant some t...

People ask me if I’m a breast or leg man

I tell them I’m not fussy as long as there’s a good stuffing involved

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My wife said she’d like us to save money for her to get breast implants

I told her, “Why? All you need to do is rub some toilet paper between your breasts every day.”

She said, “What the hell is that going to do?”

I said, “I don’t know but it seems to have worked wonders on your ass.”

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What did the Gigolo find between his 80 year old clients’ breasts?

Lint in her belly button!

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Stranger guy with a sexy women in a hotel lobby.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your br...

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I used to love my ex-girlfriend's breasts...

...but now they're just distant mammaries.

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Apple breast implants

Apple is working on smart breast implants, which can adapt their shape and texture to suit your lifestyle. The iTit can be used charge your mobile devices while browsing, as cupholders, and even as a self defence device. Future app updates will include anti jiggle functions, as well as an automated ...

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A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts" he says.

"You dirty prick!" shouts the barmaid, "Get out before I fetch my husband!" The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off" ...

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What has 12 breasts and 24 teeth?

The night shift at Waffle House.

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What does Queen Elizabeth have between her breasts that Meghan Markle doesn't have between her breasts?

A belly button.

What do you call breast’s without nipples?

Pointless

What do you call breast implants that fall out and go missing?

Bolton Wanderers.

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What do you prefer? Breasts or Thighs?

I replied : "Personality".

Wonder why the butcher glared at me.

Anxiety is like breast.

It grows as soon as puberty hits you.

I had breast cancer once...

Those were some bad mammaries.

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What do womens' breasts & toy trains have in common?

There're intended for children, but it's the fathers that wind up playing with them.

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What do train sets and breasts have in common?

They're intended for children, but it's usually the adults who end up playing with them

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At the age of 91 we discovered two lumps in grandma's breasts

We were so relieved the doctors discovered it was just her knees

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Me: *stares at medusa's breasts.* Medusa: "My eyes are up here."

Me after looking: *gets rock hard*

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What’s metal and has a dozen tits?

The bin out the back of the breast cancer clinic.

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