UPJOKE
fecundityinfertilitypregnancyfertility ratereproductionbirthratesterilityfertilizationspermmenopauserichnessprolificacybirth rateratereproductive

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What conference do fertility doctors go to?

Semen-ars

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I went to the fertility clinic today...

The nurse asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "I'm good but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament yet"

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Who is the Greek god of fertility?

Testicles

A new scientific study claims that fertility is hereditary...

If your parents didn't have any children, chances are you won't either.

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What do you call ancient ceremonial fertility stones?

Fucking rocks

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the fertility specialist said they need another semen analysis.

Come again?

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A man and a woman are at a fertility clinic...

They had been trying to conceive unsuccessfully for several months. As the results were coming in the husband was consoling his crying wife and told her, "If this turns out to be a problem with you I promise me you wont be mad at yourself, because I wont."
The wife says " I promise, and if this t...

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The fertility rate is at an all-time low...

...we’re so fat, we can’t even fuck.

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Why do fertility doctors make so much money?

Because sex cells.

A sign at the fertility clinic.

Please wait to be seeded.

I went to the fertility doctor to get the results from my sperm sample.

Doctor - I have good news and bad news.

Me - Give me the bad news.

Doctor - Your sample was tampered with.

Me - And the good news?

Doctor - It was DELICIOUS!

Did you hear about the communist couple that went to a fertility clinic?

They wanted to seize the means of reproduction.

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A Jew, a Catholic, and a Mormon are drinking together.

The Jew boasts about his fertility

"I have 4 sons; one more and I'll have a basketball team!"

"That's nothing," says the Catholic, "I have 10 sons! I almost have a football team!"

The Jew and Catholic looked expectantly at the Mormon. "Well?"

"I have 17 wives. I almost ha...

Irish Birth Control

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan? And didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'A...

I earned an Oscar for being the best producer.

He was born and named yesterday after my long fight against fertility.

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An old man and his wife want to have a baby...

So they go to the fertility doctor. The doctor tells them to collect a semen sample, and gives them a little jar for the specimen.

A few days later, the exasperated couples return to the fertility clinic.

The doctor notices that the jar is empty, and asks why they didn’t collect the ...

Sweetheart I have something to tell you.

Wife: What is it, honey ?

Husband: I ..... I got another woman pregnant.

Wife: Goddammit.

Husband: I know...

Wife: I hate that joke but I'm proud of your work as a fertility doctor!

A husband and wife are trying to have a baby

After many attempts and what seems like an endless number of trips to the doctor and fertility clinic they meet with the doctor who tells them, "I do not think you will be able to have children."

The wife is overcome with emotion and her husband consoles her saying, "Inconceivable."

Th...

A young couple couldn't get pregnant.

A young couple couldn't get pregnant. They tried everything so the wife could conceive including going to the fertility doctor, but nothing worked. Finally, at church one Sunday they asked their priest for advice. The priest told them to go to the Vatican and light a candle. Several years later, the...

The Russian people were constantly hounding the government to tell them when they would finally reach true communism.

Because of this, the government got the leading scientists to input hundreds of statistics, such as ground fertility, rainfall, public relations, international relations and population into the best computer in Russia. They waited 4 nights for the answer: 23 kilometres. It puzzled the many politicia...

Alcohol Addiction

My anxiety has been in overdrive since the start of the Pandemic. I feel like I need more and more alcohol everyday.

I am going through at least a liter of the hard stuff everyday.
I start using as soon as I wake up and don't stop until I go to bed each night.

My Dr. says I need t...

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Quality assurance joke about sex (NSFW)

There was a quality assurance bug tester who was interested in getting pregnant. She read on a factual website that having sex without a condom will make you pregnant, so that's what she did. However, a month later, she was not pregnant.

Frustrated, she submitted a complaint to the website th...

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