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Nipple Jokes

I'd give you $1M if you let me bite your nipple

Woman: Sure!

*licked and sucked the nipple*

Woman: Why didn't you bite my nipple?

Man: Well, I don't have $1M.

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An old man offered a lady $100 to lick her nipples...

An old man saw a beautiful lady walking down the street of the bar he just walked out of.

He catches up to her and says, "Ma'am, I'll give you $100 dollars if you let me lick your nipples!"

Stunned, she says, "What kind of dirty old pervert are you?? Absolutely NOT!"

The old m...

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A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.

She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off.

"Do you even own a bike?" he asks.

"I do. It's parked right outside."

"Do you swear?"

"More ...

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What are boobs without nipples?

Pointless

A woman in her 90s calls her doctor and asks:

"Doctor, where is the heart?"

To which the doctor replies: "it is at the height of your left nipple"

The elderly woman thanks the man and ends the call.

A new day arrives and the doctor reads the headline of his newspaper

"Elderly woman wants to commit suicide, shoots he...

As a man, I've renamed my nipples Thoughts and Prayers.

...because they're useless.

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me

On a related note, I suck at darts

Martinis are like nipples

One is too few, and three are too many

I met a girl with 12 nipples today, sounds weird

Dozen tit?

Unfair , girls get over 400 likes when they show a little nipple on facebook

When I showed a little head I only got banned

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.

Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So on...

What are the tiny bumps around a woman’s nipple for?

Braille for “Suck here.”

During my job interview I was asked: “After a long week how do you normally recharge your batteries?”

"Through high voltage nipple clamps” wasn’t the answer they were expecting

I've never been any good at nipple play...

...I just can't quite seem to put my finger on it.

Why are pockets like nipple rings?

If a girl has them, she will probably show them to you!

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A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...

She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...

He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...

She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...

She goes home to ...

I support the movement for freeing the nipple...

In its favor, I see two clear points....

Q:What did the German Police office say to his nipple.

A:*You are under a vest.*

I'm not really a fan of nipple-tassles...

I just can't see the point.

Q: What has huge nipples and can sing?

A: Areola Grande.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Add a nipple to it.

My friend just told me that he had his third nipple surgically removed.

He just needed to get it off his chest.

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50....

Ok. Years ago, I used to have a third nipple.

...I’m so glad I got that off my chest.

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You're not still in pain from the nipple piercing are you?

Wife walks in clutching her breast
Husband: You're not still in pain from the nipple piercing are you?
Wife: I sure am, it bloody hurts!
H: I'm sure the pain will ease in time

W: That's the last time I play darts with you, ya fuckin dickhead.

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Why did God give women boobs and nipples?

To make suckers out of men!

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Why did Al Gore get a nipple ring?

Cuz he heard Bush got a Dick Cheney.

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My crush actually said she wanted to have sex with me and try out her electric nipple clamps on me.

I didn't believe it at first as I was shocked.

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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and r...

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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

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What's the difference between a nipple ring and a cock ring?

It takes balls to wear a cock ring.

She has ear rings, a nose ring, a lip ring, tongue ring, and nipple rings.

Tell me why I got slapped when I said "I want to give you a finger ring".

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I'm really glad boobies have nipples....

If not they would be pointless..

The Falkland Islands are the male nipples of the British Empire

Not necessary- but will protect

My 80yr old grandmother had her nipples pierced the other day...

now every time the wind blows she sounds like a couple of wind chimes!

Kamasutra says: If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one...

...And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!

What do you call a colorful nipple?

Areola Borealis.

You should always keep a girl who likes nipple play on speed dial.

They're good in a pinch.

What nipple did the UFO crash land on?

Areola 51

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Boyfriend and girlfriend go into a restaurant and sit down in a booth. There is a man sitting at the bar, checking the woman out, up and down.

As the boyfriend gets up to go to the bathroom,
the man walks over the the girlfriend, sits down
right across from her and looks her right in the
eyes. Without blinking he says, "I want to suck
your nipples raw, and fill your pussy up with
Tequila, and sip it out with a straw." Need...

Ending It All

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.

Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the ex...

An Indian King became jealous that the Queen was caring about their infant son more than him, So he poisoned her nipples in her sleep to kill the baby.

The next day the Minister died of poisoning.

OC I came up with last week

A man goes on his dream vacation to Spain. While there he sees amazing sights, drinks great wine and dances til late at night.

After a few days he starts to get a weird pain in his chest and decides to go to the hospital to check it out. He gets an X-ray and the doctor tells him he has a tum...

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A research scientist today held a press conference to reveal a revolutionary new bra material that eliminates breast jiggling and nipple protrusion

At the conclusion of his press conference the assembled newsmen dragged him outside and kicked the shit out of him

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Have you ever heard of the deformed man who had 12 nipples surrounding his testicles? He had to keep a metal rod in his urethra to keep it from leaking milk.

Sounds nuts, dozen tit?

If a woman tells you her nipples are pierced...

...the only logical response is, "I don't believe you.".

SAD STORY: A little boy was so jealous of his newborn brother so that he put poison on the nipple of his mom.

The next day their driver died.

What do you call several hundred Native Americans without nipples?

The Indian Nippleless 500

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