UPJOKE
kidneyprostateuterusurethramuscleintestinestomachglandliversacbagurinebodyspleenabdominal

-Sir, you have a bladder infection.

-What’s that?

-Urine trouble, sir.

What do you call a French guy with an empty bladder?

Pierre

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If piss comes from my bladder and semen comes from my balls, what comes from my finger?

YOUR MOM!!!

Why do world travelers have bladder issues?

They're in continents.

What's the difference between a pizza box and a bladder?

You feel better when your bladder is empty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Getting old sucks

A 60 year old, a 70 year old man and an 80 year old man are arguing about age, the 60 year old goes "man being 60 sucks, I chug water all day long, but I can't take a decent piss when I stand at the toilet no matter how hard I try." The 70 year man says "that's nothing, I eat Laxatives by the hand...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife or Golf

A man was at the country club playing his weekly round of golf. He began with an eagle and followed it with a birdie on the second hole.
On the third hole, he scored his first-ever hole-in-one, and just as he began celebrating his cell phone rang…
It was a doctor in the local ER notifying hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a man with no arms is walking around the store looking for help.

He walks up to a lady and asks her if she will pull his Willy out at a urinal so he can relieve his bladder. She reluctantly agrees and they go into the bathroom. She pulls his Willy out and the room is filled with this grotesque smell and it’s green and disgusting.

She then exclaims ,”oh my ...

I don't get why people think pee is stored in the balls. It is a fact that pee is stored in the BLADDER.

There is a vas deferens between the two.

What do you call a country populated by people with weak bladders?

A uri-nation.

A man gets a phone call from the hospital...

He finds out his wife has been in a bad car accident and is in critical condition. So he immediately stops what he's doing and rushes to the hospital as fast as he can.

When he gets to the waiting room, he frantically asks the doctor, "Where is my wife? Is she okay? What happened?"

The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After the penis said the secret password, what did the bladder say to him?

Urine.



(NSFW because penis)

How do you know you’ve entered the bladder?

Urine

My lifegoal

At the age of:

3 - able to control my bladder

5 - able to self-feed

18 - able to drive

20 - have a girlfriend

30 - is rich

40 - is rich

50 - still rich

60 - still have a girlfriend

70 - still able to drive

80 - still able to self...

I've decided not to use urinals in public bathrooms anymore. I'm going to sit in a stall to use the toilet instead.

Oh it's not because I have a bashful bladder.
It's just that I'm so used to using both thumbs to text.

Three old men sitting on a park bench…

Man #1: I wish I can sleep through the night, I get up every 2 hours to pee.

Man #2: You think that’s bad? I’m constipated and haven’t had a bowel movement in a week.

Man #3: You think you guys have problems? I sleep throughout the night and every morning at 7:30 I empty my bladder and...

Different body parts rate each other

The Brain to the Liver: “You’re a 6.”

The Spleen to the Colon: “You’re a 7.”

The Urethra to the Bladder: “Urinate.”

An engineer accidentally gave a medical school exam. See his answers:

1. Antibody - One who hates his body .

2. Artery - Study of Fine Paintings or military, not sure.

3. Bacteria - Back door of a Cafeteria .

4. Coma - Punctuation Mark .

5. Gall Bladder - Bladder of a Girl .

6. Genes - Blue Denim.

7. Labour Pain - Hurt at Work...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Gandalf say to the guy with a shy bladder?

"You shall not piss."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fred was hanging out at the local bar.

As it happens, his bladder became full of the liquid that came out of the tap so he went into the washroom to relieve himself. As he stood at the urinal, one hand on the wall and the other holding his private member, he heard a loud crash and the washroom door was broken down off it's hinges. A tall...

What inspires you to get out of bed every day?

My bladder mostly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident.

He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.


"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.


"Yes sir, what's happened?...

What do you call a tall, obese computer nerd with a bladder control problem.

A Big Fat Geek Wetting.

Me: Doc, my pee is tea colored. I think I have a bladder infection.

Doc: I see...

Me: What's urinalysis?

What do you call shy bladder incidents?

Frozen pees

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Crude Pianist.

A pianist scored an interview at a local restaurant. He is sent to the manager and is asked to play a few songs from memory.

The pianist says - “this is one of my favourites. It’s called ‘I Was Fucking Your Dog But It Bit My Penis So Now My Balls Hurt’”.

The manager, appalled, says - “...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Timmy woke up one morning desperate to pee.

He bounded out of bed and hurtled across the landing to the main bathroom. Eager not to cause an upset, he carefully prised open the bathroom door.
In the bathroom, Timmy's sister, Lucy, was shaving her legs. Unfortunately, she caught a spot on her razor, causing a stab of pain. Blood started to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was pressured by his parents to attend a formal gathering...

Everything was going fairly well. He was largely being ignored, which was for the best so he avoided saying anything to embarrass himself.
Unfortunately, he had been holding in a nearly full bladder full a while and it could not wait until the end of the party. he had no choice but to walk up to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People have asked if I pee when I take a shower

And the answer to that question is "yes, yes I have", to which I usually get a look of disgust from them. But I can't help it, I simply can't hold my bladder when I'm taking a shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three old man are complaining about their age

The first old man grumbles "it sucks being 70, I can't take a piss because of my bladder issues, it never seems to want to come out unless I take my pills"


The second old man scoffs and goes "nah nah, 80 is where it gets real bad. My bowels are so bad, I can't shit without prunes and laxa...

Get your bowl ready for some Soup

Because this acrobat is about to do the splits and he has a very weak bladder

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor for a physical. [Long]

The doctor tells him they have a new machine that can diagnose all ailments with 100% accuracy with a urine sample and would like to have him be the first to use it. The guy, curious, agrees.

The guy gives a urine sample and the doctor pours it into the machine. After some beeping and boopin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a little boy is being potty trained by his parents.

All starts going well except when in restaurant, the kid shouts "I need to pee!"

Embarrassed, the parents come up with a new idea. They tell their son "from now on, when you need to pee, just say you need to whisper". The son likes the idea. When he needed to go, he would say "Dad! I need to ...

New Redneck word: Oedipus

My uncle Ed’s got bladder problems, you‘d be amazed how long it takes Oedipus!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hamlet has to pee [Hamleak]

Quick little blurb I wrote in class:
“To pee, or not to pee, that is the question.
Whether ‘tis nobler in the bladder to suffer the slings and arrows of painful retention.
Or to take arm against a see of urine and by opposing relive it.
To go-to pee,
No more; and by a leak we say t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old men are talking about life.

One says to the other, "I've been having trouble going to the toilet recently, waking up in the middle of the night to empty my bladder and can't go when I get there. Things are becoming really irregular. Do you have the same problems?"

The other old man replies, "Nope, perfectly regular. I p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No one can drink that much beer!

A woman and her husband go into a bar

The husband drink three pitchers in ten minutes.

He goes to the bathroom to empty out his bladder.

While inside a raggedy man comes up to his wife and says "I want to kiss you"

"My husband's in the bathroom! Absolutely not!" She ret...

An Elderly Couple Go To Their Doctor For A Checkup

The man goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."

 

The doctor decides not to co...

First thought when coming across a skid mark in the toilet

Women:
"Eeww! That's horrible; I must get cleaning equipment before I can use this."


Men:
"Hmmm... Can I remove this with the contents of my bladder?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man takes his wife Susan to Jamaica for their honeymoon.

While out partying and drinking at a nightclub, the husband feels the pressure building in his bladder and rushes to the bathroom. He begins to relieve himself when he notices a tall Jamaican man at the urinal next to him is looking straight as his dick. Too drunk to care, the husband continues to...

A SEAL and his Sculpture

There was a Navy SEAL living undercover in the depths of Eastern Russia where they regularly hold ice sculpting competitions. He had been there for a while and was longing to liven up his stay there so he decided to enter the next one. There was a shop in town that he could buy sculpting supplies fr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An upstart comedian speaks to a famous movie producer ...

"So, what's your idea?"

"Well, I want to make the film about how a wealthy New York businessman raised his child to become a selfish, arrogant prick just like himself. The boy's such a fucking asshole that even his neglectful father gets sick of the rat and sends him to a military academy. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys and a snake ....

This is a true story.
Two good friends, Jerry and Ralph, were out walking in the desert one day when Jerry goes off behind a cactus to take a leak. While he's draining his bladder a snake leaps up and bites him on the end of his dick. Ralph on hearing Jerry's scream runs over and says, "What ha...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.