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Vagina Jokes

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A beautiful young woman is sunbathing on the beach of an upscale resort, when she feels a buzzing in her vagina.

Alarmed, she runs to her father for help. "I think there's an insect in my coochie!" she tells him, frantically dancing from the buzzing sensation.

They call up the resort's resident doctor. He takes her into his office for an examination.

"Yup. It looks like a bee has crawled into yo...

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I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.

I've never seen one before, but I have faith.

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My girlfriend's vagina smells like roses....

But, Rose's is tighter...

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Golf Joke...What do you call the part of the body in between the vagina and rectum?

The driving range, because that’s where you hit your balls

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Why are vaginas like hotdogs?

Because when you think about what goes into them, you want to quit eating them.

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Vagina flavor lollipop

A street vendor was shouting "Vagina flavor lollipops, get your vagina flavor lollipops here!"

A man approaches and says "This can't be real, but I'll have one please" the man licks it.
"Uugh.. This taste like shit!"

"Turn it around" says the vendor

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Son: Dad, just how deep is the average vagina actually?

Dad: Deep enough for a man to lose his house, his car, his dog & half of his life savings.

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What did Netflix do when they found uncensored shots of Sandra Bullock's vagina in Bird Box?

Bandersnatch.

I'm sorry.

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When you think about it, a vagina is a lot like a university.

They're both a lot easier to get into, if you're rich or an athlete.

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A $200 vagina?

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the ...

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What does 80 year old vagina taste like?

Depends

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What's the difference between weed and a vagina?

If you can smell the weed from across the room, you know it's good

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The Vagina

The best engine in the world. It can be started with one finger. It's self lubricating. It takes any size piston and change's its own oil every four weeks. It just a pity the management system is so fucking tempermental!!

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The king of a country has planted a razor in the queen's vagina in order to find out which guard she is cheating with.

in the evening, while she is sleeping.

Next day comes, and he orders them to get undressed to check on their penises, and sees that each one's was cut except for a single one's. The king yells:

\- Finally, a loyal guard to his king and country! All of you traitors should have followed ...

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What did the vagina say to the penis?

No mask no entry.

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A limerick about vaginas I wrote five years ago

There once was a gal from Cancun,

Who had a most curious poon.

T'was coarse like a thistle,

But tight as a whistle,

And whilst cumming, could play you a tune.

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A boob, vagina and asshole are debating who is the greatest of the three.

Boob: I produce milk for babies and I am attractive to the opposite sex.

Vagina: That's nothing, I give birth to babies and can accommodate the opposite sex.

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A vagina is like the weather…

…once it is wet, it is time to go inside

Vaginas are like gyms.

I'm rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope no one notices I don't.

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What's the difference between /r/jokes and your mothers vagina?

Your mother's vagina gets some new content every once in a while.

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The blue whale has a vagina large enough to fit around 5-7 men. That makes her the second biggest pussy right behind

The kid who said his not playing just before he was about to be tagged

Vaginas are like snowflakes

While they all appear to look the same, each of them has a subtle difference – making them all uniquely beautiful

Also, it’s fun to catch them on your tongue.

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What's a vagina's favorite music genre?

Cuntry

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Religion is like a vagina.

Many people like being in one. It can feel warm and welcoming.

But you shouldn't pull someone into yours without their consent.

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[Blonde][NSFW] The blonde asked her gynecologist “Why do I finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina?”

The amused doctor replied, “Those aren’t postage stamps, they’re the stickers that come on bananas”

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A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are too large

She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.
Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you n...

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My Wife's vagina tastes like a tropical fruit.

She'll let any mango in there.

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Woman's vagina

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the wo...

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"My vagina is like the local gym," said my wife.

"What?" I asked. "Hot and sweaty?"

"No," she replied. "Only a few members use it regularly."

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One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method ...

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What do vaginas and the mafia have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

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The vagina has more than 8000 nerve endings

But it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.

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A king suspected that his queen was being unfaithful

So he secretly taped a tiny razor blade to her vagina. Three days later, he ordered his knights to drop their pants. They all had bandaged penises, except for one. The king said to him, "I always knew you were my most loyal knight!"

He replied, "It wath nothing, your magethy"

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My life is like a penis with legs chasing a vagina with legs.

It’s just one fucking thing after another

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Why is the vagina located so close to the anus?

Because it was designed by city council. Who else would put a play area so close to a dumping ground?

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I have a vagina joke

but most of you won't get it.

Vagina jokes are not funny

Period.

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What do you call the extra skin around a vagina?

A woman.

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A blue whale's vagina is so big and deep that 5-6 men can easily lay down in it, making it the world's biggest pussy after..

After^Italy^during^both^world^wars

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What do you say to a military vagina?

Thank you for your cervix.

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What do you call an unsolicited vagina pic?

An ambush

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How do you call a pilot's wife vagina?

A cockpit

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My wife told me that her vagina is a jurisdictional wetland

and now I have to buy a permit if I want to fill it.

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Two vaginas are having a conversation

The first one asks : "I've heard you can't orgasm, is that really true?"

The second one replies : "Not at all! The ones saying that are just badmouthing me..."

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I think every man at some point has tucked his penis between his legs and pretended he has a vagina.

I just wish I'd known that my girlfriend was doing it for the first six months of our relationship.

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A gynecologist tells his patient "You have the largest vagina I've ever seen! You have the largest vagina I've ever seen!"

The woman says "well doctor you didn't have to say it twice.."

The doctor replies "I didn't! ^I ^didn't! ^^I ^^didn't! ^^^I ^^^didn't! ^^^^I ^^^^didn't! ^^^^"

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What's the difference between a penis and a vagina..

Unfortunately, in my case ... only 2 inches.


:'(

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Sara goes to the gynecologist for an examination.

She gets up on the examining table with her feet in the stirrups, and the doctor, with his head now between her legs, whispers to himself "My, what a large vagina. My, what a large vagina. My, what a large vagina. My, what a large vagina.”

“I heard you the first time! How many times must you...

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A woman’s vagina is like Disneyland…

It may be the happiest place on earth, but the older you get it the less it is worth the time, expense, aggravation, and hassle.

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I was passionately kissing a Thai woman. I gently slid my hand up her thigh until I reached her panties, then I touched her crotch and I couldn't believe what I felt.

A vagina.

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Wife dreamed that she was attending a dick auction

Wife : "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "They gave those away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. Th...

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Ahh vaginas ....

9 months coming out , rest of your life trying to get back in

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A newly married couple visit a doctor.

The doctors asks, "What's the problem?"

Husband replies, "There is a bee stuck in my wife's vagina."

Doctor asks, "How the hell did it get in there??"

Husband, "I'm not sure, but maybe one of the bees, from the beehive right next to our house, happened to get in there, when my w...

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A vagina is like a tin roof

If you don't nail it enough it will end up at the neighbors.

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"Dad, what's a vagina look like?"

Reddit's new API pricing has forced third-party apps to close. Their official app is horrible and only serves to track your data. The CEO has blatantly lied and only wishes to exploit the unpaid members of the Reddit community.

Follow me on Mastodon or Lemmy.

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If you haven't had a vagina around your neck...

You haven't lived.

Happy Mother's Day!

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What is the difference between a fridge and a vagina?

A fridge doesn't fart when you take out some meat.

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Why did the prostitute get another vagina implanted on her hip?

She wanted to make some money on the side.

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Elizabeth Taylor goes in to get her vagina reconditioned.

Elizabeth : Dr. I want to have the vagina of an 18 year old.

Dr. : Ok that can be done.

Elizabeth: Ok but please, ABSOLUTELY NO PAPARAZZI or MEDIA involvement!

Dr. : Of course, it will be completely confidential.


The surgery occurs with no complications. in f...

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I tried one of Gwenyth Paltrow's "This Smells Like My Vagina" candles.

Honestly, it just smells like Apple.

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Why don't they show vaginas in anime?

Because then it would be a plot hole

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I watched "The Vagina Monologues" on mute but I still understood the plot

I can read lips.

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How did the Vagina want her eggs cooked?

Ovaries-y

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I'm starting to suspect that my wife's vagina is haunted by her ex.

Every time we make love, I swear I can hear his name.

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An Ice Cream vendor sells Vagina flavored ice cream.

An Ice Cream vendor sells a new flavor of ice cream called Vagina to a customer.
-Customer: It tastes like shit!!!
-Ice cream vendor: You are taking too big licks!

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What to you call a police officer with a shaved vagina?

Cuntstubble

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How is your wife's vagina like the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse?

It's fun inside to come inside.

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"So, I guess you've never been with a prostitute before then." She said.

I replied "Well, No, but how can you tell?"

She said "Look, don't worry about it, just take the pound coins out my vagina and we'll start again."

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The magic vagina

An old man was sitting on a train across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realized she was COMMANDO (going without underwear).

She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagi...

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A penis, a vagina, and a butthole walk into a bar.

The vagina goes through the entrance, the butthole goes through the exit, and the penis "meant" to go through the entrance, but "accidentally" went through the exit.

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Bloke goes into a pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."



The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat off your an...

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What do you call a doctor that works on large lizard vaginas?

A dino-cologist

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My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

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A woman once told me she had a joke about her vagina

Never told me the joke, because she said I wouldn't get it

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My ex has some problem with her vagina and has to go to a city in France to get treatment

Its Toulouse.

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I think every guy has tucked their genitalia between their legs to pretend they have a vagina.

But I didn't know my girlfriend had been doing it for the past 3 years.

Vaginas are like sandwiches.

If I see pieces of cucumber inside one, I immediately back away.

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"Vagina in the sink"

A bride-to-be is stressing out over the fact that she’s not a virgin, but she’s told her future husband she is. She has no idea what to do and is talking to her friends about it, when one of the friends pipes up and says, “Here’s what you do — buy some liver, stick it up there, and everything will b...

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A elderly couple want to spice up their second life

They decide that the woman will take control for that evening.

She pushes the man to the bed and tells him to wait there while she gets changed in the bathroom.

She comes out a few minutes later wearing nothing but a cape, she stands there and yells SUPER VAGINA

The man replies ...

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What do vaginas and jokes have in common?

The amount of time I spend looking at them on Reddit.

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A married couple are in bed one morning.

"I had a really good dream last night,” says the wife. “I dreamt that I was at a penis auction. Long dicks were going for $100 each and thick dicks were going for $200.”

“Really?” says the husband. “What would mine have fetched?”

“They were giving dicks like yours...

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So a man says to a woman, can I smell your vagina?

Horrified, she slaps him and screams "NO"!

He rubs his cheek and says, "I guess it must be your feet then."

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How is a vagina like a cigarette?

The closer you get to the butt the stronger the taste.

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