UPJOKE
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A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure

He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out.

The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double."

The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion."

The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions.

The man said "I would like a...

What do you call a cave man’s fart?

A blast from the past.

A vampire bat had just returned to his cave at dawn...

His chest was covered in fresh blood. As soon as he settled in to sleep for the day the other vampire bats started crowding around him, sniffing at the blood and wanting to know how and where he got it.

He pointed one of his wings towards the mouth of the cave and said, "Can you see that big ...

Two cavemen are lamenting their situation in a cave. One tells the other the following:

*"Something's just not right. Our air is clean, our water is pure, we all get plenty of exercise, everything we eat is organic and free-range, and yet nobody lives past thirty."*

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A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing, the head of the team declared: 'This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high position. The donkey shows that they were intelligent enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means that they were able to forge tools. Even further ...

A man shouted into a cave, "Anyone in there?"

A sound in the cave immediately replied, "WHOOOOOOOOOOOO".

Then he got ran over by a train.

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Three friends explore a cave

While in the cave, the friends find a genie’s lamp. Of course, as anyone in this situation would do, they excitedly rub the lamp. The genie of the lamp pours forth in a cloud of magical smoke.


The genie begins his spiel: “Gentlemen, for summoning me forth from the lamp, I shall give each...

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A detachment of US Marines are conducting jungle warfare training in the Congo, and one night around the campfire, the Congolese troops they're training with tell the Marines the tale of a cave in the middle of the jungle, filled with golden treasure but guarded by a fearsome monster.

According to the local soldiers, the cave is filled with the treasures of an ancient African king, but a sorcerer used his arcane powers to create an unholy creature to guard it. She was formed from a mix of human, gorilla, chimpanzee, and baboon, and stands seven feet tall, enormously strong. She h...

Why did Batman rush to the Bat Cave?

He had to go to the Bat Room.

[an old classic]

Three bats are hanging out in their cave

A large one, a medium one and a small one.
"I'm feeling hungry." Says the big one and flies out of the cave. He returns with a bloody face and asks "Do you guys remember the town by the hill?"
"We remember."
"Well forget about it. No one survived."
Few minutes later the medium ba...

What do you get when you cross a cave with a snippy person?

A sar-chasm

What kind of pants does a cave explorer wear?

Stalac-tights

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

Three monks shared a cave…

... each under a vow of silence. One day a goat walked into the cave, looked around, and walked back out. He was never seen again.

A week later the guy on the left says “Black goat.”

A month later the guy on the right says “Grey goat.”

A year later the guy in the middle sa...

How old was the cave man on his birthday?

Stone Age

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I wake up at around 7am to hear this pounding at my door as if it’s about to cave in

So I open the door and I see this 6ft cockroach. Before I can even ask him how’s he doing he picks me up and flings me across the hallway of my house. Moving at rapid speed he’s got me in a headlock and delivers some devastating punches. I’m gutted to say I passed out from the sheer pain. Next day w...

Here I am, standing at the entrance of this deep cave.

Who's that idiot inside repeating everything I shout?

I thought Bill Gates would cave and release the new Microsoft Office early.

But he kept his Word.

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There's a little known legend about the Brothers Grimm: they wanted to write a story to rival The Ugly Duckling. For 'research' purposes, they bought a hundred ducks and released them into a cave..

..planning to return years later to document their behavior. Unfortunately both passed away before that, and the project was forgotten.


This information came to light hundreds of years later in 2>!XXX!<, during an investigation into strange quacking noises and numerous missing p...

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Orville Wright: "Dick cave."

Wilbur Wright: Definitely not.

Orville: Weiner hole

Wilbur: Dude **no**.

Orville: Cockpit

Wilbur: (sighs) Okay *fine*.

Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.

The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.

Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.

The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantl...

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"What's a man cave?"

Mt wife saw a beer sign in a garage we passed and said it must be a man cave. 5-year-old daughter asked, "What's a man cave?" Wife explained and daughter asked, "What about a girl cave?" I immediately responded, "It's called a kitchen, dear." Wife proceeded to beat the ever-loving shit outta my arm....

Why Bilbo had to be Male

Fun fact: Bilbo Baggins had to be a male in order for the plot of The Hobbit to work. If he was instead female, everything would have fallen apart in the goblin cave. Bilbo would have gone off wandering around in the dark and dreary caverns, found the ring, and seen Gollum fishing like in the origin...

A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave.....

discovers a single bat standing upright underneath on the floor of the cave.

Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow: "What the heck are you doing down there?"

And the fellow shouts back: "Yoga!"

What do you get when you throw a piano down a cave?

A Flat Minor

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A vampire bat came flopping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, parked himself on the ceiling of a cave, and prepared to get some sleep.

Pretty soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and go get some sleep.

But they persisted, until finally he gave in, grudgingly. “Ok,” he said, “follow me,” and he flew out of the cave with hundreds and hundreds of bats...

Why do cave men drag their women around by the hair?

>!If you drag 'em by the ankles they fill up with dirt!!<

I saw an interview on TV with a guy that got stuck in a cave and had to eat his own leg

The reporter said he was very brave and courageous, but I didn’t like him.

He was full of himself

Adam

One day, God summoned Adam for an important task he must complete...

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly Lord, what do you want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explaine...

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Cave Excavation

A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in their order of appearance:

1. a woman
2. a donkey
3. a shovel
4. a fish
5. a Star of David

They decided that this...

A Norwegian, a Finnish and a Swedish man were in front of a cave

The Norwegian man says "I bet I can go there and be at least 10 seconds." and goes to the cave, comes out and says "I couldn't be there for that long, the bear was too scary.

"I bet I can be there at least 20 seconds." the Swedish man says and goes in too, but comes back after 15 seconds. "Th...

Tell you what, it's lucky that those Kids trapped in the cave in Thailand are footballers

It means they're already good divers.

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A man had a [Long] penis

He had a 25 inch long package.

It created difficulties in his life as it was not easy to move around with it and women were afraid of him too.

One day he was wondering to himself how he could change his penis and his life into a normal one while walking down a road, there, he came ac...

My uncle and I used to play Cave Explorer

I kept telling him that there is no playable character in Cave Explorer but he always insisted that there is the explorer and the explored.

Two bats are sitting in a cave...

...one looks at the other a says, "I'm hungry. Think I'll go get some blood". So he flew out of the cave.

About an hour later he returns with his face covered in blood. His buddy looks at him and says, "Wow! How did you get all that blood?".

"Well...", he replies, "you know when you a...

Hey girl are you a cave in Thailand?

Cause I wanna leave some kids inside you

Paddy and Murphy are in a dark cave.

Paddy says "It's too dark. Do you have a match?"

Murphy hands Paddy a match, which Paddy strikes against the wall..but nothing happens. He strikes the match again but, again, nothing.

Paddy says to Murphy "This match doesn't work."

"That's strange," says Murphy. "It worked earli...

Three bats chilling in a cave upside down

On of them goes out for a hunt, turns back with his mouth full of blood. Both are impressed, "damn dude what did you catch?" "You see that pile of flesh? Well that was a big fat cat, juicy blood!".

The second one goes out, turns back within an hour, whole face covered in blood. "Wooah man, te...

Robin walks into the garage in the bat cave to test drive the batmobile.

He jumps into the batmobile and tries to get it started but it wont work.
So Robin goes to find batman to help him.
Robin explains to batman that the batmobile isn't working.
"Check the battery" says batman.
"Who is tery?" Robin says confused.

Why where the cave people mad about their children playing with rocks all the time.

They wouldn't stop getting stoned, staring at tablets, and playing rock and roll all day.

There was once a cyclops living in a cave on an island ...

The cyclops loved himself a good meal of human meat. He ate many a people.

Once, a young man came to the island to kill the cyclops. The cyclops had, to say the least, a lot of trouble killing the young fellow.

At one point the cyclops asked, in his rage: Who are you?

The man re...

A zen monk lived with his master in a cave in the mountains.

One day, the monk asked his master why he had such a long beard. "Well, I have a terrible weakness for young women. I have this long beard, and the women are disgusted by it. So they stay far away from me and I am not tempted by them."

"But master, we live in a cave in the mountains. There ar...

Why can't you open a bar in a cave?

You can't serve alcohol to miners

Did ya hear about the coal mine that caved in this morning?

Everyone got out, it was just a miner inconvenience.

An engineer, an architect and a mathematician are trapped in a cave with nothing but a can of food each and they want to get the cans open so that they can eat.

The engineer finds a rock and taps it against the weak spot of the can. The architect throws the can against the wall in a way that doesn’t collapse the cave. The mathematician then announces loudly to the other two, “Let my can be open, how do we close it?”

You would think with an entire soccer team stuck in a cave....

One of them would have known how to dive

How many hours did it take Pewdiepie to find his dog in the underwater cave?

Sven.

Three Buddhist monks die in a car crash…

They arrive in a beautiful clouded world and begin to walk towards a man. He is standing in front of the golden gates of heaven.

“Hello! I am Peter. Behind me, is Heaven. Unfortunately, I can’t let you in since you three weren’t Christians… But! if you can tell me what the meaning of Easter ...

What country is known for cave paintings?

Denmark

Two men are in a cave

One says to the other, "it's dark in here isn't it?"

The other one says, "I don't know, I can't see."

I'm glad the cave rescue is complete....

Now when I google Thai boys I can get back to normal results

Hey girl are you a Thai cave?

Cuz I want to put 12 kids in you

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Cyclops came in the cave all angry and hot

Cyclops: I know you are cheating on me! Who are you fucking!

Wife: Nobody!!

A married woman is walking through a desert cave one day when she comes across a magical genie lamp

She rubs the lamp, and a genie comes out. "Thank you for getting me out of that cursed lamp! I... I was so crowded in there. Listen, to make it up to you, I'll give you three wishes".

The woman is overjoyed. She jumps up and down excitedly, but then the genie speaks again.

"However, I...

2 men exploring find a bat in a cave...

Decide to go back and play baseball

A Story behind Cave painting

Cave man[gesturing]: you wanna see some comics I made about elephants, it's quiet funny.

Cave woman [gesturing]: sure.

*Present day*

Archeologist: this wall painting is an beautiful form of art by prehistoric man maybe it's about religion and stuff.

Two bats were hanging upside down in a cave

The first bat asks the second, “Do you remember the worst day of your life?”



“I sure do," said the second bat. "It was the day I had diarrhea.”

Told my boss my idea for a game where the user would steal an idol from a cave monster.

He told me to run with it.

Vampire bats fly out of their cave and into the night looking for blood.

As the sun begins to rise the following morning, all of them return without consuming a single drop of blood, no one could find any food that night.

All except one, Gerald, who flies back in with blood pouring down his fangs.

"I searched all night for some blood, didn't even get a sni...

What do you call a wandering cave man?

A meanderthal.

What's the difference between the Thai cave boys and English football?

The boys are coming home

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As Vernon the vampire bat flew inside the cave…

his friends started at him with a mixture of admiration and jealousy.

“Yo Vernon, your face is covered with blood! What kind of animal did you feed from?”

Vernon gazed as his friends and said smugly “None of your business!”

“C’mon Man! Don’t be an idiot! Tell us!”

“Nah. N...

Brazil have sent star player Neymar to Thailand to help rescue the young footballers in the cave

...they heard they needed someone to teach them how to dive

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It is taking much longer to rescue the boys trapped in the Thai cave.

All the diving experts are participating in the World Cup in Russia.

So these two bats were hanging out in a cave

They were just chillin' when both of them saw this object off in the distance approach at frightening speed. Immediately, one of the bats knew what to do. He swung into action! As the object approached, he stiffened up, went completely rigid, and as the object came within range, he swung his body wi...

Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles.

One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood. The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs.



He says, “See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people.”



The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He says, “See that castle o...

My cave exploring guide asked me if I'd ever repelled before.

I told him that I've been repelling people for years.

The news said that the Thai boys trapped in the cave system had no idea about the world outside following the happenings of the rescue, so I guess you could say that....

They were in the dark about their situation!

I dont like the fact that the Thailand cave boys have become all famous and mainstream.

I preferred them when they were more Underground

So a bat comes back to the bat cave...

...with his face completely covered in blood. All the other bats get super excited and ask him "where did you get all that blood?!! Finally a decent meal!", so he says "come with me, I'll show you!".

So they all super excitedly fly out of the bat cave, they turn left and fly off.

He f...

I was going to get a couple neon signs for my man cave from the attic...

Sadly, they Argon

Told my dad that 12 boys from a junior football team are lost in a flooded cave in Thailand.

Dad: They should call a priest.

Me: Dad! They could still be alive.

Dad: Yes I believe that they are still alive as well, just toss a priest in the cave and he'll find those boys real quick.

Had a bet going with a friend over who would be the first to get those kids out of that cave, Elon Musk or the Navy SEALs...

...He said Elon Musk, I said it would be a Thai.

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NSFW: A man is exploring a cave when two large boulders fall on his leg, pinning him to the ground. A spider is the only one to hear his cries for help.

“I am the elder spider of this cave and will grant you one wish!” he says.
The man makes his wish and the spider calls all his brethren to watch. Thousands of spiders gather around, rubbing their hind legs and smacking their mandibles. The man is confused and a little scared but figures the sp...

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Browsing this sub is like mining in a cave

Full of bat shit and I mostly get the same things over again, but it's worth the occasional gold I find.

How do you lure an English bear from his cave with the help of French cheese

Camembert

(Come-on-bear)

What cheese do hunters use to goad a bear out from its cave in the winter?

Camenbert

A man crashes his car next to a monastery...

The monks help him to fix his car but it'll take at least a day, so he's offered to stay for the night in a good warm bed and with good warm food.

During the night, he can hear strange noises coming from the caves, loud enough to wake him up. He asks the nearby monks what those noises are, bu...

"The 12 boys stranded in a flooded cave system in Thailand have started diving lessons in the latest step in efforts to bring them out alive."

I think they've hired Neymar.

In response to the "You're not a monk" joke

A priest was tidying up his church after a sermon, when a man comes in.
"I am sorry to bother you father, but can I ask you half of a lemon?"

"Of course my son." said the priest and he fetched half a lemon for the man. "But, before I give it to you, can you tell me why do you need it?"...

Now that Brazil is out of the World Cup they should go help the Thai kids stuck in that cave...

After all they're the world's most talented divers.

What did the Miner say when he fell into the cave?

Great. I fell in a Sarchasm.

I heard the last two kids rescued raced eachother to the end of the cave...

Rescuers reported the race ended in a Thai.

What's the female equivalent of "man cave"?

Answer: The kitchen.

Just had to share this. I asked my girl friend this tonight and she straight faced said "the kitchen?" and we both had a good laugh!

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What did the cave woman use as a dildo?

A fucking rock

Old joke from former Eastern Germany: An archeology team was having trouble determining the age of human remains that they found deep in a cave, so they called in the best forensics teams from the CIA, KGB and the Stasi....

The CIA team goes in first with all their equipment and comes out about 4 hours later.

"As far as we can determine, the remains are about 500,000 years old."

Not to be outdone by the CIA, the KGB goes in and comes out about 8 hours later.

"The remains are approximately 515,550 y...

The magical cave swamiji!

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he visit a Swamiji who lived in a nearby cave. “Simply leave a sample of urine outside his cave, and he will meditate on it, miraculously diagnose your problem, and tell you what you can do about it. But it w...

St. George the Dragon Slayer rides up to a huge cave

"Come out, Dragon, and fight me!" he shouts into the cave. But there is no response.
"Come out, and fight me to the death" he shouts even louder. Still no response. And the cave stinks absolutely awfully.
"Come out, you cowardly worm," shouts St. George one more time at the top of his lungs,...

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What did the caveman say when he tried to have sex in his dark cave?

I fucking rock.

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[NSFW] Rumours started that the devil has been spotted in a hidden cave somewhere in Africa...

...The interest in these rumours rose and attracted the attention of USA, China and Russia. They sent their best spies to investigate the case. Months passed until they found the secret entrance to the cave. Surprisingly, the devil was expecting them. He acted as he admired their courage to face him...

A saber-tooth tiger arrives at a cave party

Where it's friends had been partying with a bunch of cave-people.

"I see I'm too late," says the tiger.

"Yup," says another. "Everyone's eaten"

A Swiss man is in hospital, all sorts of bones broken

His neighbour asks him: "How did you do that?"

Swiss: "I'm a bear hunter!"

Neighbour: "And...what happened?"

Swiss: "I stood at a small cave and said: 'Hoi Bärli!' A small bear came out and I let it go! Then I went to a medium-sized cave: 'Hoi Bärli!' A medium-sized bear came ...

What's the sad thing about man-caves?

It's where all your cool stuff is, and where you can do whatever you want. Before Marriage we used to call it life, but then it became a room.

If men have man caves, why dont women have woman caves?

They do, we just universally named it the kitchen many years ago.

A cannibal walks into a bar...

A cannibal walks into a bar. He's got a bone through his nose, wild hair, wearing animal skins and a knuckle-bone necklace. He has a pronounced brow ridge, sloping forehead, and looks just like a Cro-Magnum cave man.

The bartender says, "We don't serve time-travelers here."

The canniba...

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There were 3 men.

There were 3 men who grew up together in a small town Jim, George, and Jerry. They were known for the quirks, Jim being a fire bug, George being a nature lover, and Jerry being a deep sea diver. One day Jerry happens upon a bottle with a note on it along the coast. He rushed to show his friends hi...

A redneck is hiking through the woods with two Native Americans

A redneck is hiking through the woods with two Native Americans. They happen across a cave. one of the Natives yells, "Whoop! Whoop!"

Another voice calls from the cave. "Whoop! Whoop!"

The man strips naked and runs into the cave.

"What was all that about?" The redneck asks...

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An anthropologist decides to study a particular Inuit tribe.

So he arranges to spend five years living among them. After about a year he hears talk of a secret society, but when he asks to join he's told no. Wanting to be thorough he persists, and eventually the tribal chief gives in. He tells the anthropologist "I have decided to allow you to join our societ...

My favorite Easter Joke

St Peter meets three new potential Heaven Members and says, “Ok, tonight we’re going to have a quiz. Just a simple question: What is Easter?”

The first guy says, “oh, that’s easy. It’s when the family gets together and have turkey and mashed potatoes and…”

“No, no. That’s Thanksgiving!...

Did you know, the cave where Jesus was resurrected...

contained a large quantity of hydrating body lotion? He was moist-jew-rising.

Why don't local government prioritize the concerns of laborers who collect minerals in caves?

They're only miner issues.

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There was a Bravest man in the world contest

There were three brave contenders that had to survive three missions and survive.
1# swim one lap in an Olympic pool filled with crocodiles.
2# shake the hand of a raged gorilla
3# fuck the brains out of an 100 year little old lady.

First contender got it to the pool and was eaten al...

The curse of the coffin

Three men, Gary, Dan, and Job, grew up together as best friends. They dreamed of one day becoming rich and would do anything to attain wealth. One day, as they were sitting in the local bar, they overheard another group of men discussing the long lost buried treasure of Captain Sleazybeard. The thre...

A man climbed a mountain in search of the legendary Monk of the Moon, said to be the wisest man to ever live...

The man explored the mountainside until he found the monk's cave. "Oh, great Monk of the Moon, what is the meaning of life?"

The monk turned around and lowered his pants. A voice came from his rear end. "One day, your life will end. What you do with that knowledge determines your life's mea...

the wise masters wisdom

As a young adventurer I visited the Himalayas and I heard of a long and beautiful hike at the end of which I could meet a wise master. The journey was as rewarding as it was a challenge, and at the end I found a little old man with a long beard and a handmade cane in a cave. I waved to him, and he b...

Don and his friend Eva we’re exploring caves in the town of Level for our palindrome school project

Eva said there were many things they could not do in caves. Don asked her a question using his knowledge from palindrome school. Don said, “Eva can I stab bats in a cave”. She said “no don”. Don then said, “Eva can I pose as aesop in a cave”. She again said, “no don”.

A Rabbi Wants to Spread Judaism with the World

A rabbi wants to spread Judaism with the world but isn’t sure where he would like to start. He decides he will spin a globe and randomly place his finger to stop it. He does this and lands in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The rabbi goes on a boat, and sails to the spot he chose. As it turns out, ...

Although we may never see Trump Wall...

... we all just got to see Trump Cave.

Why don't birds live in caves?

It would be to much of a bird den.

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A gambler dies and goes to Heaven...

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on t...

Three men die and are at the pearly gates ...

St Peter explains to them that, while in the old days God demanded that only Christians who closely studied the Bible could get into Heaven, times have changed and requirements have been relaxed. These days, you only need to know the basics.
St Peter turns to the first man and says, "if you can...

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A hunter goes to a forest, owned by a friendly old man, to try and hunt a bear

The old man warns him: - If you don't succeed on your task, the bear will fuck you in the ass.- He ignores him, goes up to the bear's cave, holds his breath, aims and shoots the bear, missing. The bear goes behind the terrified hunter and fucks him in the ass. The hunter runs away, humiliated, and h...

My dad explored a lot of caves during his 20s

That is why he owes so much in child support

The Thai rescue divers were given tight trunks to wear as they maneuvered through the narrow caves

So they wouldn’t Bangkok.

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