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Structure Jokes

Q: What do you call a flowers political structure?

A: Pollentics

(Please don’t kill me, I made this when I was 11 after a 8 hour plane ride. I was delirious.)

What's the chemical structure of Holy Water?

H2OMG

The barman says “Why the non-linear structure?”

Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar.

I was recently asked to name two structures that contain water

I responded "Well, dam"

Someone asked how I would feel if the fine structure constant didn't exist.

My response was, "No Matter".

I have a rival, but I can only fight him when we meet up under curved architectural structures.

He's my arch enemy.

"What should we call this large structure?"

Bill: "A billding"
Buil: "I have a better idea..."

Pyramids were not the tallest structures in Egypt...

They were just medium height, between the Pyrahighs, and Pyralows.

Hey girl, are you a large concrete structure forming an artificial lake?

...because dam.

What do you call a writer who doesn't follow the rules of sentence structure?

A rebel without a clause

A man is lost in the desert, after walking for two days he finally sees some structure on the horizon.

He realizes this might be his last hope and channels his last remaining energy to get there.

Two hours later he finally gets to what seems to be some kind of well. Barely able to stand up he walks around it to find a bucket or something, but there doesn't seem to be anything of the sort and t...

Two postmodernist academics stumble across an antique oil lamp.

(OC)

One of them sees a little grime and rubs it off. Suddenly, a glorious genie springs forth from the lamp.

“I am the great genie of the lamp! Since I see you are insufferable postmodernist academics, I will grant you each one META-wish.”

The first academic ponders for a mome...

(This is not a joke) I'm a linguistic researcher that is working on the semiotic of jokes and need help to find exemples of a particular type of joke.

Hi, I hope this is not against the rules but I need help for a research paper centered around jokes, and this obviously looks like a good place for that.

I am working on linguistic structuralism to try to find the linguistic value of surprise in a joke. (I'm simplifying a lot, but i can expla...

I'm starting a protest against the evil capitalist structure promoted by Vietnamese soup salesmen.

We are Anti-Pho

Did you all hear about the haunted wooden structures?

They are made of Bamboooooooooooo

I finally forgave the river for making me have to build a structure to get across it.

It's water under the bridge, now.

I could talk about the atomic structure all day...

But I'd rather not Bohr you about it.

What kind of cheese can be used to build a structure?

Cottage cheese.

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The Chinese take over the world, and start re-organizing the social structure...

They decide that the best way to do things is to separate everyone by race, and keep all white people in Europe and North America, all Asian people in Asia, all black people in Africa, etc.

Now, of course, the issue is that race isn't such a cut-and-dry thing, so after sorting through the obv...

A 1st grade teacher is teaching her students proper sentence structure.

The teacher is asking her students to use the following words in a sentence; deduct, defeat, defense, and detail.
One student raises his hand and says "defeat of deduct went over defense before detail."

Dogs have non-traditional family structures...

because they have four Pa's.

...I wanted to design defensive structures for the city....

as it turns out, not my Forte.

What do you call a molecule with the structure bunny-O-bunny?

An Ether Bunny!

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Sports of Choice

The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

The sport of choice for m...

As an ornothologist and a pimp I structure payment based on the old saying:

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

God the Engineer

Three engineers are having lunch and discussing what kind of engineer God is. The mechanical engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer, look at the complex structures of the body!" The electrical engineer says, "No, look at the electrical processes of the body, which the brain could no...

"Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective."

"You're still late" replied my boss.

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The Americans and The Japanese

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced rowing hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that th...

Just wrote this one about my esteemed profession. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the aforementioned task in a timely and efficient manner within the structure in which said bulb is housed and being dependent on the following variables:

Whereas it should be taken in to account that ceiling heights may differ significantly f...

The latest report from Mars indicates the presence of large ring structures of precious stones and a dusting of glitter almost everywhere

Apparently, efforts are underway to tiara-form the planet.


(I do apologize for this. I happen to hear someone pronounce this word rather frequently and this is what I keep imagining they are meaning, along with some deposits of sass, pageantry and frills.)

I could get to the second floor using the stairs or I could use a structure consisting of a series of bars or steps between two upright length of wood, metal, or rope.

I chose the ladder.

I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents

One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.

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An old Greek man and an old Italian man are arguing.

The Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"

The Italian says "We realized the challenge ...

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So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race...

So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, deci...

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A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.

He went through the standard
training, completed the practice jumps from
higher and higher structures, and finally went to
take his first jump from an airplane. The next
day, he called home to his father to tell him the
news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"We...

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Jesus on the cross..

After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgatha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgatha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him.

He saw his wonderful mother Mary.
He saw gods chi...

Canadian Humor

A couple moves from Vancouver to Newfoundland. The wife has a wooden leg and needs it insured in her new location so they go to a local insurance agent who quotes them $39 (sorry I know it should be Canadian dollars). They are astounded as it cost almost 2,000 in Vancouver and inquires why so cheap ...

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Two college students have their most important final exam next week...

But they've chosen to spend the week partying instead. So, in their drunken stupour, after realising how badly they messed up, they beg their professor to give them an extra day for the exam. Even though sceptical, they told him that they had a flat tire on the way to university and couldn't reach c...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

The answer is not quite clear but it did affect the geopolitical structure and landscape of western civilization by becoming prey for KFC.

A Christian man ends up on a deserted island...

He is stranded there for a few years until a rescue boat finds him. When the rescuers get onto the island, they are amazed to see what the man has built to survive. The man had built three different structures out of bamboo and leaves. They asked the man what the first structure was. The man said,”T...

I'm coming out of retirement to build tiny houses.

I just need a little structure.

A British Gentleman visits India..

He landed in the state of West Bengal, the former seat of the East Indian Company.

Dressed in classic gentlemanly fashion he decided to start the tour by visiting the famed Victoria Memorium Hall. Taken aback by the marvellous architecture, he stopped the nearest passerby and asked, "Who mad...

A guy is walking along a beach when he stubs his toe on a golden lamp...

..chuckling to himself he picks it up and gives it a rub. Fwoosh, out pops this enormous genie.

"I am the Genie of the Lamp!" he booms, "I will grant you a single wish for releasing me!"

"Wow! I know exactly what I'd like to wish for," exclaims our hero. "I've always wanted to visit Di...

I’m all for three things . . .

Maintaining parallel structure, always using the Oxford comma and hypocrisy.

A Haiku on the Rules of Writing a Haiku

Syllable structure:

First five, then seven, then 5.

Just like this one isn't.

Nearly 200,000 Californians evacuated due to Oroville Dam reaching a likely catastrophic failure. You may think this isn't the time to bring up politics however this is Trump's fault.

No man made structure was built to hold so many liberal tears.

A joke from Hamlet: "What do you call a person who builds stronger things than a stonemason, a shipbuilder or a carpenter does?"

The one who builds the gallows to hang people on, since his structure outlives a thousand inhabitants

Found on Act 5, Scene 1

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A woman calls her husband in panic...

"Honey, my lips are swollen. I think I may have an allergic reaction!"

Her husband drives home as fast as he can to bring her to the hospital, but when he gets home he sees nothing out of the ordinary about her.

"Honey, you said your lips were swollen?", he asks. She looks down with an...

Snowflakes are actually the perfect metaphor for people.

Each one is unique, but we all have the same structure and are pretty similar in spite of our differences. And really, with as many around as there is, no one is going to notice your differences unless they care enough to look closely.

Also, people are similar to snowflakes in that it is diff...

Two German explorers

Two German explorers were making their way east across New York when they came to a wide river.

Karl: How vill vee get across dee large body of vater?

The other explorer sees a large, steel object north of them.

Heinrich: Look der es und structure dat vee can use to cross
<...

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trapped underground in a collapsed mine.

After some exploring of the area, they come across three rations of canned food that they all agree will allow them to survive for a few more days. Naturally, they all decide that each of them should have one of the three cans of food; unfortunately, none of them possess anything with which to open...

What's the difference between a man and an octopus?

Octopus: eight tentacles, each its own neural structure that offloads work from the brain

Human Male: one tentacle which controls brain

A young woman was moving into a new home in the suburbs—her first time away from family.

She decided to take residence in a house that was built by a small family several years ago. There was some construction to be done, however, so she called one of her friends who had a background in architecture to point her in the right direction.

He arrived early one morning, surveying the ...

A group of Engineers are in a bar and the conversation turns to religion,...

The System Engineer says, "God must be an Systems Engineer, look at the design of the human nervous system. Millions of signals flying back and forward at enormous speeds, all controlled by a massively powerful processing system that can make billions of calculations every second. Only the greatest ...

A priest, a rabbi, and an engineer get caught by savages and are all set to be executed...

The priest lays down on the block, chanting his prayer profusely waiting for the guillotine to drop. The executioner pulls the lever, but the sharp blade stops inches before the preist's neck. The savages are scared of the preist's deity and lets him go. Next, the rabbi does the same and prays silen...

How many pianists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

10... 1 to do it, and 9 to complain about their technique, timing, structure or the socket, and choice of bulb.

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A common misconception on the male anatomy

While many people believe that the male ejaculatory ducts and epididymis are essentially the same structure, there's actually a *Vas Deferens* between the two!

What kind of engineer is God?

three engineers are arguing what type of engineer god is.


The first one, a mechanical engineer, says he must be a mechanical look at the muscles and bone structure.


The second, a electrical engineer, say he is an electrical, look at the brain and the nervous system. ...

A local Game Stop burnt to the ground. An insurance adjuster came out to inspect the damage

After looking at the rubble, he asked the manager if the building was a new structure. The manager said, "I don't think so, it was built in the 1970s."

The adjuster said, "I that case, the best payout I can give you is $50,000. If it was a new building I could have given you 95,000.

There is an Englishman an Irishman and a Welshman

while wandering through the british countryside they come across a tall structure with a slide at the top. all three head to the top and a mysterious man tells them "when you take this slide anything you shout will be at the bottom". the Englishman took the slide first and shouted "ALL THE MONEY IN ...

Oh Jesus!

Little Bobby was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything... tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Bobby down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
...

A woman goes to IKEA to buy a new bedroom closet

She comes home and assembles the closet but as soon as a bus drives by her house, the closet collapses in on itself.

Frustrated she tries again, this time taking care to follow the instructions to the letter. Just as she is finished, another bus drives by her house and the closet collapses ag...

There was a jungle tribe of people who lived entirely off the land...

They hunted and foraged, and built structures with wildgrasses and leaves. Most of the tribe was kind and giving, except for the one greedy old coot. He did not live modestly: full feasts when others were hungry, 2-story hut when the rest were 1, and the rarest dyes on all of his clothes. This old c...

The sick mother in law

The man came home after visiting his sick mother in law.

His wife asked how her mother was doing.

The man responded, she is getting released in two days and moving in to our home!

Shocked, the wife says, how’s that possible? When I visited her yesterday, she was in the respira...

Two forensic officers were reviewing their examination the stomach of a murder victim that week.

"Another case solved," concluded the chief officer.

*"Hmm-mmm" her partner agreed.*

"Quite a simple one to work out, too." She savoured a sip of coffee.

*"Oh? How so?" queried the young man, raising an eyebrow.*

"Hmmm. The contents reminded me of my husband's attempt at t...

What's the diffrence between a girl in a church and a girl in a bath?

The girl in a church has a soul full of hope and the girl in a bath has, well...

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A cruise ship spies a seemingly deserted island in the distance...

(Warning: This is a joke that might only be understood by Jews. That said, it's a classic, and one that most Jews find to be extremely funny and spot on. If you're not Jewish, read on if you would like to glean some insight into Jewish humor and culture.)

&nbsp;

So a cruise sh...

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Soviet Meat Queue

A mixed group of Soviet Citizens are in line outside a butchers in Vitebsk, 1950.

The butcher comes out, and says:

> Comrades, due to problems with the supply structure, there is limited meat today. All Jews must leave the line.

The Jews leave the line.

Time passes....

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With great enthusiasm and singing a song

Reagan visits the USSR and is amazed by the capital construction he has seen.

Reagan: "How do you manage to build structures like this? Your logistics is shit, you have no technology and people are apathetic."

Gorbachev: "Soviet people built it all with great enthusiasm and while singi...

Some engineers were arguing about God.

One says, "God was clearly a mechanical engineer. Just look at the structure of the bones, how they're shaped to carry their loads without wasted weight, how the joints interlock to give free movement, how the muscles are optimally placed as actuators with the best leverage."

The second repli...

A group of tourist..

A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm and they were in a floating structure in the middle of a crocodile lake. The owner of the farm shouted: "Whoever jumps into the water and swims to shore, will receive 10 million dollars. The silence was deafening.

Suddenly, a man jumped into t...

Rich sheik's son studies abroad

The rich sheik's son is sent to Europe to study. After a month, he writes an e-mail to his father:

"Father,
I'm doing great here. My classmates are nice, the professors are great and the courses are well-structured and organized. There's one small thing though - I feel kind of embarrassed ...

I'm on a new diet where I can only eat and drink things where I know what the ingredients mean.

I can now tell you every ingredients use in Cheetos, how it's obtained, and the molecular structure.

Two Boys are Playing Frisbee

Then, a sudden gust of wind sends the frisbee onto a ledge mid flight; It's out of reach of the two boys. So, one goes and finds the nearest adult, who gives them two options:
"Well, I can try to give ya a boost me-self, but Yer might fall an' hurt yourself; or I can lend you my structure consist...

A fat old man looks at himself in the mirror.

His insecurity rises. He’s not the same man he once was. He’s an old chunk of coal. Why, in high school he was a major athlete- the football type. All the girls wanted him and everyone respected him. He was a hunk. As he stared into this mirror now a some odd fifty years later- the juxtaposition of ...

What happened to E?

Detective: What happened to E?

Pathologist: Looking at the remains’ bone structures, all I can tell you is that E had to be a guy.

Detective: I guess that makes this case about a Mister E.

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The crocodile farm:

There was a group of tourists visiting a crocodile farm in the Florida Keys and they were standing on a floating structure in the middle of an enormous lake, surrounded by crocodiles.

Suddenly, the farm’s owner shouts, “The first person to jump into the lake and successfully swim to shore, wi...

The shame about ancient Grecian art...

The shame about ancient Grecian art is that there are amazing marble sculptures and structures which too often get taken for granite.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, and Dolph Lundgren were sitting around a a table

when they came up with the idea for a movie series based on the lives of classical musicians. They had all the details nailed down: the plot, the characters, the music, and so on. However, they couldn't decide which one of them was to play each classical composer in the film series. Eventually they ...

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The Man who could only Drink Milk

I know an old man who had lived a life full of adventure, but his health started to catch up with him. He'd run the Boston Marathon, was an avid surfer, and climbed Everest, but he'd started to have abdominal pains around his 85th birthday and went to see a doctor. Sadly, he ultimately was diagnosed...

My first joke ever...

So I know I shouldn't even be admitting to this and I'm not sure this is the right sub for this but I want to share the first joke I ever thought of, all the way back in elementary school.

To set this up, it was based on a joke I had heard from my dad: "Two tomatoes were crossing a road, when...

An old Navajo is being chased by settlers...

He runs into the nearest structure he can find, which happens to be an outhouse. Unshaken, he jumps in and hides. The settlers give up on their chase and the old Navajo is seemingly stuck.

A few days later, a young Navajo walking into the outhouse and sees the old Navajo still hiding.
...

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