St Peter was doing market research with the applicants at the Pearly Gates. Three men were awaiting entry.

"Cause of death?" St Peter asked the first.

"I suspected my wife was cheating on me," the first man replied, "so I came home early and burst into my apartment on the twenty-first floor. I ran into the bedroom and my wife was lying naked on the bed. I searched the apartment but found no-one. ...

A big porcelain basin was demanding entry to our house.

Let that sink in.

A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine..

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

Did you hear about the mathematician that renovated his entry way?

He did a foyer transform

A wife goes on a retreat for work for a few days. When she returns and enters the house, she puts her things away and then goes to do some much needed laundry. Upon her entry to the room, however, she finds a pair of panties on the floor that do not belong to her!

Furious, she questions her husband.

The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry, the maid does!"

The wife calms down and says, "Oh! So maybe these belong to the maid, could be she was doing her laundry here."

"Nah," said the husband musingly, "s...

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A woman is going through labor on April 1st

Her husband is driving her to the hospital and when they get to their room, he tells the doctor that he can’t watch up close but he asks if he can stand and watch outside the window. The doctor agrees.

As the baby comes out, the husband gets excited as he sees his new child. The doctor grabs ...

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Call my dick the spaceship challenger...

Cause I'm gonna explode on entry

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Three ministers and their wives were riding in a van to a conference...

when the driver took a curve too fast, sending the vehicle off the road and over a cliff. All six perished, and found themselves in line at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter called the first couple forward, examined his book, then looked sadly at the minister.

“I’m sorry to say that I can’t l...

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There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant;

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; I don't know why. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground wo...

Nightclub doormen say I'm "not a REAL bouncer" because I guard the fenced entry to an outdoor wine patio...

... but that's just gatekeeping.

A priest and a permanently drunken bus driver from the same village come to the pearly gates and request entry to heaven.

St. Peter says to the priest " You wait two years," and to the bus driver, " You go straight in."

The priest protests, " How come? I have been preaching every Sunday for so many years - and he is nothing but a drunken bus driver."

St. Peter replies, "Listen, when you preached, they all...

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Old witch: “You won’t take the entry-level wizarding jobs that are available, you spend all your money on eye of newt and you think every little spell you cast deserves some kind of participation goblet.”

Ok Broomer.

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A pastor and his wife are standing in line at the pearly gates of heaven.

They watch as A couple in front of them walks up to St. Peter. They request entry but St. Peter shakes his head and says to the husband, "I'm sorry but you loved money so much you married a woman named Penny. You can't enter." They hung their heads and walked away.

Another couple approached ...

Pre-requisites

*Airforce*: "No guts, No glory!"

*Marines*: "No retreat, No surrender!"

*Army*: "No pain, No gain!"

*Security Guards*: "No I.D, No entry!"

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The moonshine, the pitbull & the old lady.

John walks into a bar. As he orders a beer he sees a jar filled with 100$ bills on the counter. The bartender tells him that in order to win the jar of money, he has to complete 3 challenges, but the entry fee is 100$.

After some thinking, he decides to enter the contest. The bartender t...

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A Panda Walks into a Bar

A panda walks into a bar one day. He casually walks to the bar and sits on a bar stool.

The bartender thinks this is a bit odd, a panda walking into a bar isn’t something that normally happens to him.

He approaches the panda regardless and asks, “What can I get you?”

The panda g...

Why won't Russia allow entry for The Fine Bros?

They've had problems with reactors before

Looking for a relationship is like finding a new job...

People are way more interested when you already have one already and want 5+ years experience with a laundry list of impossible qualifications for an entry level position.

You have to love female accountants...

They consider double entry the standard.

One day, a man was caught stealing and was arrested before being tossed in a cell.

“I want my phone call” He demanded, through the bars. Assuming this man had no family that would want to help out a thief, the prison guard laughed: “Who are you going to call?”

With the most serious face one could have, the prisoner said “I want to speak to the highest office in the land - P...

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him ve...

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A thug starts harassing a nun on a bus

He's saying things to her like 'show me what's under that outfit' and 'I bet you're not wearing any underwear'. The nun is clearly uncomfortable and eventually clutches her bible to her chest and yells 'LORD PROTECT ME' and gets off the bus at the next stop.


The thug starts yelling abus...

My friend took me to an authentic Chinese restaurant and when we arrived there was a pen of dogs to choose from in the entry.

That's not what I meant when I said you can pick the Spot.

What would the White House be like for Trump if he loses the 2020 election?

For-Biden Entry

They've just found Jeffery Epstein's diary.



His last entry was about twelve years old.

3 men die and go to heaven....

Upon entry, St.Peter says, "You will be rewarded based on how honest and faithful you were in your relationships."

The first man had never cheated on his wife and was extremely faithful. So he was given a Cadillac.

The second man had once had an affair but had soon changed and was fa...

My friend keeps asking me why I have such a fear of 'No Entry' signs

I say "Don't go there"

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Three lads die on Christmas Eve...

Three lads die on Christmas Eve. They approach the pearly gates and St. Peter says that in the Spirit of Christmas, that if they can produce an item representing the Christmas season, they will gain admission. 

David the Englishman pulls out his lighter, flashes it and states, "'Tis a candle ...

Entry level job ad

Minimum 8 years of experience

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A man walks into an unfamiliar bar

He sits down at the bar and sees a pot of cash filled to the brim with notes. As he orders his drink he ask the bartender "what's with the pot of cash?"

The barman replies "we have a 3 tier game going on, winner takes all. £100 entry."

"Just out of curiosity, whats involved?" Asks the ...

A man woke up lost in the desert.

He didn’t know how he got there but he knew if he didn’t find water asap he will die, he was thirsty tired and close to a heat stroke as he walked the vast deserted land looking for water.

Miles and miles into his journey he spotted a person in the middle of the desert, thinking it might be ...

April and June were dating...

The couple had been together many years, and, as far as one could tell from the outside were very happy together. But June had always felt as though there was something between them, something holding them back- something that April was keeping a secret.

As time went by, June got the impressi...

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The New Rule for Entry to Heaven

God called Saint Peter to him, and he told him "From this moment onward, to enter heaven, one must have an interesting or otherwise notable death story." Saint Peter was puzzled, but he complied. Saint Peter went down to the Pearly Gates, and when the first person arrived, Saint Peter explained the ...

The Pilot and the Priest

A pilot and a priest have died and are waiting in line outside the gates of Heaven for entry. When they reach the front of the line, St. Peter beckons the pilot forth.

"Who are you, so I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" he asks.

"I am Joe Dohn of Los Ange...

Entry level position available!

3 years forklift experience required

5 years general labour required

Class 5 drivers license required

2 years kitchen experience required

4 years retail services required

2 years hospitality services required

4 years janitorial services required

3 yea...

The entry requirements of the Polish Club are strict...

You have to have an untarnished reputation.

I went into a brothel in Wales.

They charged me twenty quid entry fee and said I could choose one of the girls to spend some time with. But it turned out they had no women at all!

I got fleeced.

Why was the pc gamer denied entry into the nightclub?

It was exclusive.

The doorman at a bar refuses a patron entry because dress code requires a tie be worn.

So the patron goes back to his car and pulls a set of booster cables from the trunk, ties it around his neck like a tie and returns to the doorman.

The doorman says. "OK, that will work, but you better not start anything".

A friend of mine is really into tattoos and recently had both arms done in full sleeve tattoos.

The right arm is done like those flames you see on old hot rods and the left is done to look like the flames of hell.

First night with the new tatts, he went to a pub wearing a singlet to show off his new art, but was refused entry....

No fire arms allowed.

Was denied entry to a fancy club for improper attire.

Bouncer is all like you need a jacket and tie to get in here bud. I know I've got a jacket in the car but no tie.Putting on the jacket I notice my nice new pair of jumper cables so I think ah what the hell and tie them around my neck.Go back up to the doors ask if I can go in now? Bouncer looks me u...

I was watching a video of some entry level iron workers.

It's riveting.

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A guy goes to an interview for an entry level position..

HR Manager: "We've done a small background check on you. Your current boss tells us that you have no technical or business skills. You report late to office every day, spend 3 hrs on lunch/breaks, 2 hrs on checking mails and remaining time on useless meetings. Your colleagues also describe you as a ...

A nightclub near me won an award for "The weirdest entry policy"

Which is no small feat.

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Three couples died and arrived at the pearly gates.

As the first couple stepped forward St. Peter held up his hand and said, “I’m sorry but you may not enter.”
The befuddled husband asks, “why not?” Peter answers, “Because, sir, throughout your life you loved money more than you loved God. In fact, you cherished money so dearly you married this wo...

A certain marsupial was denied entry into a local zoo...

His curriculum-leaftae was perfect, but he lacked the koalafications

It's a real-shame I failed my entry-level idiom class

I came close, but no sugar.

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Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

Footballer Dwight Yorke just got denied entry to the US due to an Iranian stamp in his passport.

Makes a change at least, most of his troubles are from briefly entering Jordan.

Fortune cookie: "Every exit can be an entry"

Long story short:
My girlfriens said no...

I've just been refused entry to the National Alzheimer's conference.

"Do you know who I am?" I shouted.

A dad decides to take his young son to a zoo for the first time.

He found a poster for a zoo that was opening in town with free entry the first day. So he takes his son down to the zoo, but he finds out that the poster was a ploy.

The only animals there were dogs! It was an animal adoption disguised as a zoo to get people to come in and adopt!

The d...

Jesus at the pearly gates

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask ab...

Did you know the entry fee for the Paralympics is really high?

I hear it costs an arm and a leg.

"For this entry level position, we're looking for..."

"Someone with the wisdom of a 50-year old

The experience of a 40-year old

The ambition of a 30-year old

The energy of a 20-year old

And who, ideally, is willing to work for free."

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A panda walks into a bar, orders a meal and quietly eats it.

When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar.

The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”

The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads: Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and l...

Sherlock Holmes was at home one night...

Sherlock Holmes was at home one night, when he gets a call to investigate a crime. So he rings Watson, and asks him to meet him at the scene. Sherlock arrives, and finds the body of a woman dead in the middle of the kitchen floor. He also quickly notices a giant lemon next to the woman, and a hol...

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A blonde woman near the entry of a Las Vegas casino...

A blonde woman is standing near the entry way of a Las Vegas casino at a Coke machine. She puts in a dollar, hits the button, gets a Coke…puts in a dollar, hits the button, gets a Coke…puts in a dollar, hits the button, gets a Coke. A man interrupts and says, “Excuse me maam, can I get in there an...

A man's diary entry during rainy days... [crosspost from r/funny]

Dear diary,

It's been raining for two weeks straight now. My wife is looking through the window with great longing and sadness in her eyes. If it keeps raining for another two or three days, I'm afraid I'm going to have to let her get into the house.

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Two lip-reading deaf guys walk into a pub.

One turns to the other and says (in a mongy deaf voice), "You go find a seat...I'll get the drinks in".
He walks up to the bar and says, "Bartender, could I please have two pints of lager?"
"Certainly," replies the barman, "That'll be £10."
"Ten pounds?" gasps the deaf guy, "That's a...

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a bus full of nuns

A few years ago there was a bus full of nuns, sadly, the bus’ brakes went out, and they full off a cliff. there were no survivors.

at the gates of heaven, st. peter is there, with a vat of holy water.

“alright sisters, please make a line” says st. peter, “ah sister marget, welcome to ...

A holocaust survivor goes to heaven...

A holocaust survivor dies and goes to heaven and upon entry through the Pearly Gates, meets God and says, "hey, do you want to hear a Holocaust joke?"

To which God replies, "I guess, go ahead."

After the joke God responds, "that was not funny."

The Holocaust survivor answers in ...

Beethovens Passing

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, a group of drunk guys came walking through and heard a weird noise coming through the entry way of Beethovens grave, they ran away, terrified and got the priest to come and check it out, the priest took one listen and ra...

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A man goes into his favorite bar and sees a jar of money on the counter with the word "win" printed on it.

"What's this about?" he asks the bartender.



"That's our monthly contest. You put in a $20 entry fee and then perform the three acts. If you complete all three successfully you win the pot."



"Cool," he says. "What are the three acts?"



"Well, first, you hav...

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There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery and it was leveled.

All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?"

Forty-nine hands went up.

"Right!" said St. Peter. "You for...

Please post any animal jokes here. I am collecting outstanding animal jokes, or puns. Thank you.

Start it off with a classic.

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produce...

A boy wants to ask a girl to prom, and he really likes her so he goes all out...

He goes to the florist to buy some flowers, but the line is out the door. He thinks, "that's okay, she's worth it," and waits an hour in the flower line.

Next he goes to the candy store to get some really nice chocolates and again, the line is absurdly long. Again he thinks, "that's okay, I'...

Let me tell you a joke

Entry level positions asking for 3 years experience

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A couple comes home to find their kitchen completely bare.

All their fixtures and appliances are missing. Suddenly they hear a knock at the door.

They open the door to find their oven waiting on the porch. It begins to speak, "I have come to life and have cooked you both your favourite meals!"

They let their now-living oven back into the hous...

Three nuns die and go to heaven at the same time......

....when they arrive they find St Peter at the gate looking concerned.
“I’m afraid we are nearly full, so we are restricting entry to those who can answer my questions correctly”.
The nuns feeling confident say “fire away.”
“Ok, question 1. Where was Jesus born?”. Nun #1 steps up and...

I applied to be a doorman but didn't get the job due to lack of experience!!!!

That surprised me, i thought it was an entry level position. :(

Old lady calls 911.

Operator: 911 what is your emergency?
Old Lady: I need to know the location of my heart.
Operator: Ma'am that's not an emergency. But it's below your left breast.
Old Lady: Thank you. (Hangs Up)

20 minutes later.
Phone rings.

Operator: 911 what is your emergency?
Young...

Vladimir Putin goes to the Ukraine

And the customs officer in the entry interview, asks him "occupation?"

"Vell, only if you insist " he replied.

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The truth-talking dog

A man had built great wealth, touring the globe with a truth-talking dog.

A friendly local thought this was too good to be true and paid the $50 entry fee to see for himself.

As he entered, the dog started immediately:
“Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon”
“The square ro...

A man was known for throwing elaborate costume parties. [Long]

A successful lawyer and bachelor, he had a large home on the countryside where, once a year, he would welcome hundreds of guests to a gorgeous masquerade ball complete with a live band and exquisite catering. He would send out fancy invitations, and patrons would only be allowed into his party if th...

A comedian was on vacation in London.

A comedian was on a vacation in London when he came across a large crowd. He pushed and squeezed his way past the ocean of people and saw the Royal Family who were on their way to have lunch. As he takes out his phone to snap a photo, he saw from the corner of his eye a shady man pushing past the cr...

What are 17 blondes doing in front of a club?

Waiting for the 18th because "No Entry Under 18".

A man was out for a hike on a mountain when he's caught in a storm. Afraid of traversing the narrow roads in foul weather, he sought help in the first building he saw - a monastery...

"Of course, you can stay here until the morning. We even have spare rooms you can stay in." said the monk, who answered the door.


The man gratefully accepted the offer and followed the monk to the room. He quickly changed out of his wet clothes and lay in bed, only to notice a muffled ...

The farm

An old farmer was continuously digging up and replanting a fence post out by the road. He does this for several days until a young kid from next door comes over and asks him why he continues planting the same post over and over. The farmer looks at the kid then points to the sign above the entry t...

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.


A preacher is next in line behind the cabby...

Three ladies died and went to Heaven

Three ladies died and went to Heaven.



When they arrived at the gates, St. Peter greeted them and told them that he’d let them in as long as they don’t step on a duck. Assuming this should be an easy task, the three ladies agree, and St. Peter allows them entry.



As soon ...

As the fire fighters were rushing into Notre Dame, an angry man stopped them at the door.

"Excusemoi monseuir! Entry is €12"

A First Mate got drunk

The first mate on a ship had a little too much rum, and unfortunately was still drunk the next morning. The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship’s log: "The first mate was drunk today."

"Captain please don’t let that stay in the...

Cats and Dogs

God was relieving St. Peter at the Pearly Gates one day when 2 dogs and a cat arrived.

God said to the first dog, a labrador, "Why should I allow you into heaven ?"

The dog replied "I was a loyal dog to my master and I drowned after I had saved his baby son in a flood"

"Excellen...

The kingdom of the ogre.

Once upon a time, an evil ogre ruled over the land of the Trids. Most of the time he left his subjects alone, and even managed the kingdom quite well, and times were prosperous. But once a week, he would come down from his hilltop castle and spend an hour *kicking* every Trid he saw. Doesn’t matt...

There was a Farmer and he really loved tractors.

He was a huge tractor fan.

One day he decided to take his John Deer tractor down to the local grocery store. A short way into his journey the tractor steering locked and brakes failed it was on a set course through the gates of the school and into a the path of a group of children playing ou...

My friend entered a sausage making competition

His entry was the wurst

Businessman

There was a businessman who was sure that his wife was cheating on him, so he put her under surveillance. One day at work, he got a call that told him to rush home quickly and he would be able to catch her in the act. So he rushed home to his 20th floor hi-rise apartment and burst into the room. His...

Applying for jobs like...

**ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:**

Hiring recent college grads

**REQUIREMENTS:**

5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

This one time Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding contest..

His entry left the judges speechless.

An Irishman moved to Germany

Now the town of Hamburg had an annual race around the edge of town, and the transplant decided to enter. However, when he went to sign up he found that there was an entry fee which he was far too miserly to pay. Instead, he slipped through the crowd and lined up with the other entrants.

Ban...

Long Lines

A young boy likes the prettiest girl in school and decides to ask her out to prom. Due to her being so pretty, there's a long line he waits in to ask her out.

The young boy realized that he needed a corsage for his pretty date so he goes to buy one. Due to it being so close to prom, he waits ...

Garden of Eden

It was the day of the judgement and God was really happy with what USA has done in its short time on earth. In fact God was so happy that it decided to allow all the presidents and first ladies in the garden of Eden for eternal happiness.

And so one by all presidents and first ladies present ...

A rich man was strolling along a riverside with his 6 year old daughter and they came to a bridge...

On the bridge there was a hobo sitting and shaking his cup. As they were walking past, the rich man wasn't keeping an eye on his daughter, who was playing with the bars of the railing and she slipped through and fell in. Not knowing how to swim himself, the man shouted for help. Without saying a wor...

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St.peter was standing at his podium next to the gates of heaven...

He was flipping through the pages of a magazine, bored, when God appeared in a flash of light. "Peter", he said. "Heaven has become a bit overcrowded. I'm afraid we're going to have to make some changes to policy. From now on, when people approach the gates, ask them what kind of day they had. Only ...

Just finished building doors for my fish.

I'm highly skilled in the field of carp-entry.

Watson found Holmes busily painting the front door bright yellow.

"What on earth is that, Holmes?"

"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson."

Why do accountants make the best lovers?

Cause they're skilled at double entry

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Heaven is a big place

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates together having all perished in different circumstances. Seeing the lineup they all wonder what separates them from access into the gates of heaven. As time goes by the line disappears and the three men find themselves next up. Peter is standing with a hand on t...

I dressed up my dog as a mailman for Halloween and He bit himself :D

Very late entry for Halloween hahaha.

What does captain Picard say when he's getting frisky with a woman?

The captain's log... is ready for entry

Unreceived Mail

A man was pleased to see that the local newspaper was once again hosting it's annual joke contest. Readers from all around the local area would send in jokes, with the top 5 published.

The rules of the competition were simple, all jokes had to be original and had to be written by the sender.<...

The hero

Joe is at the Pearly Gates waiting to be admitted while St. Peter is leafing through his files to see if Joe is worthy of entry.

"Joe," says St. Pete, "I can't see that you've done anything really bad in your life but I can't see that you've done anything really good that would qualify you fo...

Roy Moore opened a clothing store in Birmingham, but it was quickly shut down.

Parents were pretty upset when they realized "Teen girls clothes always half off" was the entry policy, not a sale.

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