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Entry Jokes

What's the best way to make sure the Italian entry wins a Broadway Trophy?

Rigatoni

I hired a guy to stain my entry way but he used a very deep brown color that I don’t like.

So I fired him and told him to “never darken my door again.”

As the owner of the BDSM club, I'd love to waive your entry fee, but I can't do that...

...my hands are tied!

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Three men are standing at the pearly gates...

Three men die and are standing at the pearly gates in front of St. Peter. St. Peter tells them, "To gain entry into heaven, you must tell me how you died."

The first man steps forward and says "Well, I got off work early today, and came home to my 10th floor apartment. Walked in, and found ...

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

Australia denied entry to Djokovic, they were like...

"Novak seen, No Entry"

Barrier To Entry

The fencing community is having trouble with gatekeepers.

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A man calls the police, upset that his house has been broken into, and his toilet used.

The owner says that nothing has been stolen, and the police officer finds no signs of forced entry. "Why exactly did you call the police?" he asks.

The owner takes the officer into the bathroom and shows him the toilet bowl. "What do you see?" he asks. "A turd," says the officer.

"Exac...

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No tie, no entry

Guy decides to go to a swanky new nightclub. He gets to the door and the bouncer stops him. "You have to have a tie to get in".
Guy goes back to his car to see if he has a tie laying around. No dice. So he takes his jumper cables and ties them around his neck.
Goes back to the door, bouncer l...

100% of sinks get refused entry to bars....

Let that sink in.

"No forced entry,"

the detective mused. "That means it could only be .... the piano player!"

Everyone gasped and turned towards the mild-mannered entertainer.

"He's the only one who has all the keys!"

Why was the Minstrel refused entry to the tavern?

He was BARD for life.

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The earthquake

There was an earthquake, and the Christian Brothers Monastery was leveled.

All fifty brothers were transported to Heaven at one time.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said

\- "Let's go through the entry test as a group. How many of you have played around with little boys?"
...

Following the UK entry's "nul points" in last night's Eurovision song contest

Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman have announced that they are adding £250 to the jackpot.

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Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."

The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request they go to the gold course. On the first tee the husband drives it ...

A big porcelain basin was demanding entry to our house.

Let that sink in.

A priest and a permanently drunken bus driver from the same village come to the pearly gates and request entry to heaven.

St. Peter says to the priest " You wait two years," and to the bus driver, " You go straight in."

The priest protests, " How come? I have been preaching every Sunday for so many years - and he is nothing but a drunken bus driver."

St. Peter replies, "Listen, when you preached, they all...

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

Trump explodes in anger as he's refused entry to nativity scene

Proof once and for all that he's unstable

St Peter was doing market research with the applicants at the Pearly Gates. Three men were awaiting entry.

"Cause of death?" St Peter asked the first.

"I suspected my wife was cheating on me," the first man replied, "so I came home early and burst into my apartment on the twenty-first floor. I ran into the bedroom and my wife was lying naked on the bed. I searched the apartment but found no-one. ...

My friend took me to an authentic Chinese restaurant and when we arrived there was a pen of dogs to choose from in the entry.

That's not what I meant when I said you can pick the Spot.

Did you hear about the mathematician that renovated his entry way?

He did a foyer transform

A wife goes on a retreat for work for a few days. When she returns and enters the house, she puts her things away and then goes to do some much needed laundry. Upon her entry to the room, however, she finds a pair of panties on the floor that do not belong to her!

Furious, she questions her husband.

The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry, the maid does!"

The wife calms down and says, "Oh! So maybe these belong to the maid, could be she was doing her laundry here."

"Nah," said the husband musingly, "s...

Jim and Ted were let go after 15 years working at the bra factory so they headed down to the local Employment office…

There they each filled out some forms. They both had worked the same quality assurance positions on the line down at the “Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder Inc.”. Afterwards they each met with a jobs counselor to try and find new employment they could embark on. As the final step they met individua...

Why won't Russia allow entry for The Fine Bros?

They've had problems with reactors before

An animal rescuer, homeless shelter director, volunteer pediatrician, and ice cream machine repairman are waiting at the Pearly Gates

The animal rescuer meets Saint Peter who reviews her resume of thousands of animals she's saved. Shaking his head, he announces: "Denied."

Next is the homeless shelter director. Saint Peter looks over his resume, nods slightly, but still announces: "Denied."

The volunteer pediatricia...

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Old witch: “You won’t take the entry-level wizarding jobs that are available, you spend all your money on eye of newt and you think every little spell you cast deserves some kind of participation goblet.”

Ok Broomer.

Nightclub doormen say I'm "not a REAL bouncer" because I guard the fenced entry to an outdoor wine patio...

... but that's just gatekeeping.

Entry level job ad

Minimum 8 years of experience

My friend keeps asking me why I have such a fear of 'No Entry' signs

I say "Don't go there"

Entry level position available!

3 years forklift experience required

5 years general labour required

Class 5 drivers license required

2 years kitchen experience required

4 years retail services required

2 years hospitality services required

4 years janitorial services required

3 yea...

Was denied entry to a fancy club for improper attire.

Bouncer is all like you need a jacket and tie to get in here bud. I know I've got a jacket in the car but no tie.Putting on the jacket I notice my nice new pair of jumper cables so I think ah what the hell and tie them around my neck.Go back up to the doors ask if I can go in now? Bouncer looks me u...

Sherlock Holmes constructs an entire door out of lemons

Watson approaches him and asks why he did that

Sherlock replied “ Lemon entry dear Watson”

I was watching a video of some entry level iron workers.

It's riveting.

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A guy goes to an interview for an entry level position..

HR Manager: "We've done a small background check on you. Your current boss tells us that you have no technical or business skills. You report late to office every day, spend 3 hrs on lunch/breaks, 2 hrs on checking mails and remaining time on useless meetings. Your colleagues also describe you as a ...

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven...

When an old man approaches.


"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.


"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I l...

Why was the pc gamer denied entry into the nightclub?

It was exclusive.

Footballer Dwight Yorke just got denied entry to the US due to an Iranian stamp in his passport.

Makes a change at least, most of his troubles are from briefly entering Jordan.

The entry requirements of the Polish Club are strict...

You have to have an untarnished reputation.

I've just been refused entry to the National Alzheimer's conference.

"Do you know who I am?" I shouted.

The doorman at a bar refuses a patron entry because dress code requires a tie be worn.

So the patron goes back to his car and pulls a set of booster cables from the trunk, ties it around his neck like a tie and returns to the doorman.

The doorman says. "OK, that will work, but you better not start anything".

It's a real-shame I failed my entry-level idiom class

I came close, but no sugar.

Fortune cookie: "Every exit can be an entry"

Long story short:
My girlfriens said no...

A nightclub near me won an award for "The weirdest entry policy"

Which is no small feat.

A certain marsupial was denied entry into a local zoo...

His curriculum-leaftae was perfect, but he lacked the koalafications

Did you know the entry fee for the Paralympics is really high?

I hear it costs an arm and a leg.

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A blonde woman near the entry of a Las Vegas casino...

A blonde woman is standing near the entry way of a Las Vegas casino at a Coke machine. She puts in a dollar, hits the button, gets a Coke…puts in a dollar, hits the button, gets a Coke…puts in a dollar, hits the button, gets a Coke. A man interrupts and says, “Excuse me maam, can I get in there an...

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Windows

John is arrested for breaking windows, found insane, and sent to an asylum. At entry they ask him, What do you want to do?

I want to break all your windows!

After a month they i try again and get the same answer. Another 6 months and still all he will say is,

I want to break all...

A man's diary entry during rainy days... [crosspost from r/funny]

Dear diary,

It's been raining for two weeks straight now. My wife is looking through the window with great longing and sadness in her eyes. If it keeps raining for another two or three days, I'm afraid I'm going to have to let her get into the house.

The first mate on a ship rarely drinks

The first mate on a ship rarely drinks, but the crew threw him a party on his birthday and went out of their way to get him drunk. The next morning he woke up with a hangover, and went to the bridge. He opened the ship's log and found that the captain had written, "The first mate got drunk last nigh...

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A young man goes to dinner at the GF's house for the first time after having had beans for lunch.

As they're sitting around the table, the father asks, while petting the family dog Rufus, what the young man's intentions are for his daughter. The young man starts to reply that his intentions are honorable and that he intends to be respectful, but he realizes that he's got a fart building, so he's...

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Once upon the time in a kingdom

Once upon the time in a kingdom far far away, lived a king and his beautiful but unfaithful hot queen.
For unknown reason, the barbarian invaded. Before the king rush to the border with the army, he puts a specially designed chastity belt on his wife and took the key with him.
This chastity be...

A guy was driving down the road one night.

Everything was normal till his car ran out of gas. He pulled over to the side of the road and noticed that there was a house nearby, with light coming through the windows. He thought to himself, “Hey, maybe they can give me a ride to the nearest town!” So the guy walks up to the door and knocks. No ...

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Dolly Parton and Princess Diana pass away on the same day.

They arrive at the pearly gates at the very same time.

Saint Peter is waiting in judgment. With both women vying for entry, St. Peter announces, “Ladies, I only have one more space in Heaven today. You’ll have to prove you’re worthy.”

Dolly Parton laughs and says “No problem, Pete!” ...

The young salesman

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.

The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him t...

A memer, an antivegan activist, a teenager, a GTA Online player, a LoL player, an anti-China activist, and a Redditor walk into a bar.

The bartender says upon their entry, “Happy Cake Day, Elson!”

Jesus at the pearly gates

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask ab...

It's January 2nd and the First Officer on a cruiser is looking at the Captain's Log from the previous day.

He sees "January 1st: First Officer Simpkins arrived on the bridge drunk today" and he says to the captain, "Sir, I feel this log entry is a little unfair. True, I did see the New Year in with an extra tot, but nothing out of the ordinary for the occasion, and I was well capable of carrying out my d...

A man is invited to a posh private golf course by his boss.

The place is great! They enjoy a round of golf and at the clubhouse the boss says "Get yourself a shower while I talk to my friends here; I'll see you in the restaurant."
He goes in, turns left to the showers, and is just coming out of a stall when he hears female voices! He's in the *womens* s...

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A young sailor (loooong)NSFW

A young sailor who just got married, was sent out to sea shortly after his honeymoon. Having been a virgin when he got married he soon was “frustrated”. The Skipper of the ship frequently walked the passageways talking to his sailors. On once such tour he met the young man. The young sailor when ask...

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A love story

A Love Story


Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.

One evening Micro arrived home just as the sun was crashing. He had parked his Motorola ...

A panda walks into a bar...

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual an...

Somalia swept the Olympic sailing podium

They earned gold, silver, and bronze despite starting the event with one entry

A boy wants to ask a girl to prom, and he really likes her so he goes all out...

He goes to the florist to buy some flowers, but the line is out the door. He thinks, "that's okay, she's worth it," and waits an hour in the flower line.

Next he goes to the candy store to get some really nice chocolates and again, the line is absurdly long. Again he thinks, "that's okay, I'...

They've just found Jeffery Epstein's diary.



His last entry was about twelve years old.

Brad and Mike are two old reti

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and t...

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The moonshine, the pitbull & the old lady.

John walks into a bar. As he orders a beer he sees a jar filled with 100$ bills on the counter. The bartender tells him that in order to win the jar of money, he has to complete 3 challenges, but the entry fee is 100$.

After some thinking, he decides to enter the contest. The bartender t...

April and June were dating...

The couple had been together many years, and, as far as one could tell from the outside were very happy together. But June had always felt as though there was something between them, something holding them back- something that April was keeping a secret.

As time went by, June got the impressi...

So my wife went missing. I went to the police to report her disappearance...

The policeman asked “What is she wearing?”
I replied “I don’t recall”.
The policeman asked “What is her height?”
I replied “Average”.
The policeman asked “Weight?”
I replied “Who knows?”
The policeman asked “Hair colour?”
I replied “Mmm what month ar...

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A panda walks into a bar. Orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”

The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads:
Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.

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A man walks into an unfamiliar bar

He sits down at the bar and sees a pot of cash filled to the brim with notes. As he orders his drink he ask the bartender "what's with the pot of cash?"

The barman replies "we have a 3 tier game going on, winner takes all. £100 entry."

"Just out of curiosity, whats involved?" Asks the ...

A man walks into a bar

he notices a jar of cash on the counter, and asks the bartender, ”what’s with the jar” the bartender explains it is the prize for completing a set of challenges, entry is $5. The man orders a few drinks, all the while he contemplates attempting the challenges. After his 5th glass he sets down $5 dol...

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Three men are travelling home on Christmas day together

As they round a corner their car goes head on into a tree and the three men are instantly killed. All three men arrive at the pearly gates at the same time and stand in a long queue waiting to receive St Peter’s judgement. While waiting, one of the men points ahead to front of the queue after notici...

Mars rover

After an almost succesful retrieval of the Mars rover, upon re-entry, the rover overheated and exploded. Debrus landed in an urban environment. There was one casualty.

Curiosity killed the cat

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3 Jamaicans go to a dress up party

The theme is 'emotions' with a strict entry policy. No costume, no entry.

The first guy knocks on the door dressed as a giant pear. The host says "this is an emotions party, what are you supposed to be?"

He replies "I'm in dis pear" and walks in.

The 2nd guy doesnt have a costu...

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A thug starts harassing a nun on a bus

He's saying things to her like 'show me what's under that outfit' and 'I bet you're not wearing any underwear'. The nun is clearly uncomfortable and eventually clutches her bible to her chest and yells 'LORD PROTECT ME' and gets off the bus at the next stop.


The thug starts yelling abus...

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A woman is going through labor on April 1st

Her husband is driving her to the hospital and when they get to their room, he tells the doctor that he can’t watch up close but he asks if he can stand and watch outside the window. The doctor agrees.

As the baby comes out, the husband gets excited as he sees his new child. The doctor grabs ...

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Three couples died and arrived at the pearly gates.

As the first couple stepped forward St. Peter held up his hand and said, “I’m sorry but you may not enter.”
The befuddled husband asks, “why not?” Peter answers, “Because, sir, throughout your life you loved money more than you loved God. In fact, you cherished money so dearly you married this wo...

A rich man was strolling along a riverside with his 6 year old daughter and they came to a bridge...

On the bridge there was a hobo sitting and shaking his cup. As they were walking past, the rich man wasn't keeping an eye on his daughter, who was playing with the bars of the railing and she slipped through and fell in. Not knowing how to swim himself, the man shouted for help. Without saying a wor...

A man was known for throwing elaborate costume parties. [Long]

A successful lawyer and bachelor, he had a large home on the countryside where, once a year, he would welcome hundreds of guests to a gorgeous masquerade ball complete with a live band and exquisite catering. He would send out fancy invitations, and patrons would only be allowed into his party if th...

You have to love female accountants...

They consider double entry the standard.

I went into a brothel in Wales.

They charged me twenty quid entry fee and said I could choose one of the girls to spend some time with. But it turned out they had no women at all!

I got fleeced.

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.


A preacher is next in line behind the cabby...

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A pastor and his wife are standing in line at the pearly gates of heaven.

They watch as A couple in front of them walks up to St. Peter. They request entry but St. Peter shakes his head and says to the husband, "I'm sorry but you loved money so much you married a woman named Penny. You can't enter." They hung their heads and walked away.

Another couple approached ...

Vladimir Putin goes to the Ukraine

And the customs officer in the entry interview, asks him "occupation?"

"Vell, only if you insist " he replied.

Carpenter bees used to swarm our exposed cedar beams outside

Carpenter bees dig into wood and bore out entry holes as well as a labyrinth of tunnels.

My aunt came to visit once and was on the phone with her husband. She was complaining about the swarm of “boring bees” because she couldn’t find the term “Carpenter”. Although mostly mostly harmless, th...

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St.peter was standing at his podium next to the gates of heaven...

He was flipping through the pages of a magazine, bored, when God appeared in a flash of light. "Peter", he said. "Heaven has become a bit overcrowded. I'm afraid we're going to have to make some changes to policy. From now on, when people approach the gates, ask them what kind of day they had. Only ...

Pre-requisites

*Airforce*: "No guts, No glory!"

*Marines*: "No retreat, No surrender!"

*Army*: "No pain, No gain!"

*Security Guards*: "No I.D, No entry!"

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A man goes into his favorite bar and sees a jar of money on the counter with the word "win" printed on it.

"What's this about?" he asks the bartender.



"That's our monthly contest. You put in a $20 entry fee and then perform the three acts. If you complete all three successfully you win the pot."



"Cool," he says. "What are the three acts?"



"Well, first, you hav...

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