UPJOKE
enlistenrollhireraiseenterenrolinscribeenlisteelevydraftregistermuster inengagematriculateenlisting

Recruit Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter...

Dear Ma & Pa,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But...

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

Putin goes undercover as a drill sergeant. Talking to a new recruit, he asks

- Where are you from, private?
- Sir, St. Petersburg
- Oh, I'm from there too. Who's your father?
- Sir, my father is President Vladimir Putin.
- That is impossible, how can that be?
- Sir, people always say that President Putin is father of our country.

Surprised but pleased, ...

The CIA was recruiting new agents

As a test of commitment they brought a man to a door and gave him a gun. He was told his wife was in the next room and his first test was to go in and shoot his wife. The man was shocked and said he would never shoot his wife for anyone.He was sent home.

A second man was brought to the same r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drill instructor was yelling at a new recruit

He was all up in this guy's face, their noses less than an inch apart.

He screamed at the recruit, "You hate me don't you?!?"
The recruit responded as calmly as possible, "Sir, no sir."
The instructor yelled back, "You're going to piss on my grave if you outlive me, aren't you?!...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Received a call from a female recruitment consultant.

She said to me: "Sir I have two openings for you...!

I replied : Yes. I know 😊

There was a long silence and then she said:- asshole

I replied:- I prefer the other one...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young soldier was sent to the personnel office and assigned the task of registering recruits for life insurance.

Because of the cost, most soldiers didn't buy the life insurance, but after only 1 month on the job he had sold a record number of policies.

His captain noticed but thought it was a fluke. However, the following month, he doubled sales. A month later, when he set the army record for policies ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The FBI are looking to recruit an assassin...

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two women and a man.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the women to a large metal door and handed her a gun.
'We must know that you will follow yo...

Three grizzled veterans eyed the new recruit with contempt

“Son, I served multiple tours as a Marine in Afghanistan and killed 40 men!”

“That’s nothing! My hummer hit an IED, and I still have pieces of it in my leg!”

The third smiled and simply said “I was a member of SEAL team six.”

“What have you, in your eighteen years accomplish tha...

A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?"

And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"

Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.

One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"

Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."

"There is no band on this ship."

"No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."

A recruiter said to a candidate, "In this job, we need someone who is responsible"

The job applicant replies,

"I" am the one you want. In my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible. XD

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The new recruit

An Israeli soldier who had just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO said "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tan...

A new Russian "recruit" goes to the Armory to get his weapons.

The armorer looks around, and seeing there are no guns left, hand the soldier a broomstick.

"But Comrade!" complains the recruit. "The enemy have real guns! How will this help me?"

The armorer says to him, "Just point this at them and say 'Bang Bang Bang!' It will work."

"But ...

A drill sergeant was drilling the recruit squad in the use of the rifle

Everything went smoothly until blank cartridges were distributed.

The recruits were instructed to load their pieces and stand at the ready, and then the sergeant gave the command:

"Fire at will!"

Private Lunn was puzzled. He lowered his gun.

"Which one is Wil...

A suicide bomber training his new recruits:

"Okay, pay attention, I'm only going to show you this once"

Police Chief to new recruit.

Police Chief: As a recruit, youll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?

New Recruit: Call for backup!

A new recruit in the Navy was being put through the paces by an experienced captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the recruit replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up after?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do th...

Professor X asks a potential new, young mutant recruit, "What's your mutant power?"

Mutant: "Hindsight!"

Professor X: "That's not going to help us at all"

Mutant: "Yes, I can see that now"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Army paratrooper recruits are talking about their first time jumping out of a plane.

FNG 1: How was your first jump today?

FNG 2: Well... I stood in front of the open door looking at the Earth flying by and turned to the Jump Master telling him that I couldn't do it. The JM said if I don't jump then he would fuck me in the ass.

FNG 1: Did you Jump???

FNG 2: A l...

Sergeant says to the recruit

\- "I didn't see you during camouflaging exercise!"

\- "Thank you, Sir!"

Terry Wingdings was the newest recruit at the police academy.

Look out world, there’s a new serif in town.

The Navy is beginning to recruit blind men.

They are sending them out to sea.

High command asked a new recruit:

"What do you want to be in the army?"
"Pilot!"
And they sent him to preparatory courses, but they did not like him and told him he would never become a pilot.
So he went to the committee again.
"Where do you want to be in the army?"
"Air defence!"
"Why?"
...

What did Mike Tyson say to the Mind Flayers who tried to recruit him on their ship?

I won’t be a part of your illithid activities.

An old Russian joke about recruitment

A wolf is going around in the forest talking to animals

“Bear, you are to come at 2pm to my lair to be eaten”
“Yes, wolf”

“Fox, you are to come at 2pm to my lair to be eaten”
“Yes, wolf”

“Hare, you are to come at 2pm to my lair to be eaten”
“I don’t want to”
“Very we...

gang recruitment

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "There's a gang in my area that recruits new members by threatening them with all sorts of horrible punishments if they don't join," he tells the bartender. "But, enough about the church....."

A Navy recruiter asks a man “Do you know how to swim?”

The man replies, “Why? Have you run out of ships?”

The CIA is recruiting new agents.

Out of many who applied only three agents made it to the last test, where they have to show their loyalty and dedication to the CIA by killing their wife.

The first agent steps up to the room where his wife is, grabs the door handle, but he can’t make himself do it. He drops out of the test.<...

A lieutenant gets some bad news for a recruit.

He takes the drill sergeant aside and asks him to convey to Private Smith that his grandma passed away 2 days ago but to break the news gently.

The drill sergeant gets the recruits in formation and says “If both of your grandmothers are still alive, step forward! As some of the recruits begin...

In America, you go to recruitment office

In Russia, recruitment office go to you!

Recruiter: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

“Alive, hopefully.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The new recruit [Long]

Bob's out with the rest of his army troop on deployment out in the middle of nowhere. After a couple of months, the loneliness and sexual frustration starts reeeeeeally getting to him. He even tries subtly beating off in his bunk while the rest of the room's asleep, but gets sharply hissed at from t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An army recruit steps into his base for the first time

He he’s greeted by his Commanding Officer.

“Hey welcome to the base rookie as you can see we have just about everything pools, restrooms, weight rooms and more”.

The rookie looks him in the the eye.

“ So you have just about everything to fulfill all my needs”.

“Yeah just ...

army recruitment

If a war breaks out, I think they will take me to communication because I'm an electrical technician. When it was the last war, my grandfather was probably also in communication because he had two lightning bolts on his helmet.

A new recruit in the military was looking for a sheet of paper

He would look for a particular sheet of paper no matter the day and weather. He refused to tell anyone what the sheet of paper was about, so after a week of this recruit searching high and low for the sheet of paper, the psychiatrist declared him mentally challenged and discharged him from the milit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A navy recruit is being shown around the ship by the captain

A navy recruit is being shown around the ship by the captain.
Towards the end of the tour the captain takes the new recruit to the very bottom of the ship and shows him a room with nothing but a barrel with a hole in it. The captain tells the new recruit that sex with this barrel will be the bes...

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stands in the back of the room and listens to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explains the...

A new recruit has joined the navy...

A new recruit has joined the navy, and he's being given a tour of the ship. After the tour, the recruit asks the captain...

"But where can I go to pleasure my self?".

So the captain walks the recruit to a room at the back of the ship. The room had a single barrel, with a hole on the si...

Rock, paper and scissors were fired as recruitment officers

They only gave hand jobs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recruit's father has died and the drill sergeant is asked to tell him in a considerate and non-direct way

So the next day, the sergeant gets the whole squad lined up.



"Everyone whose father is alive, one step forward! Johnson, and where the fuck are you going?!"

What did the new recruit think of his assignment as a minesweeper?

It's a blast!

A policeman is interrogating three new recruits training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first recruit a picture for five seconds and then hides it. 


“This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?” The recruit answers, "That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!” The policeman says, "Recruit!...

During wartime, two recruits are talking

- So, why did you enlist?
- I'm young, single and child free, I want to see some action and aventure! What about you?
- I'm married and have 4 children. I want some peace.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The New Recruit

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.

"Let me show you...

An arm with no body crawls into a military recruiting station.

The sergeant looks on in amazement as the arm hops onto his desk, grabs a pen and writes;

“I’m here to enlist!”

“You can’t enlist, you’re just an arm!”

The arm quickly wraps itself around the sergeant’s neck and puts him into a submission hold; letting him go just before he pas...

A new recruit was on his first day on a submarine

He speaks with an officer, who assigns him a job and says "if you dont like your job, come talk to me, and i will give you a new one.

"Why is that?" Asks the recruit.

To which to officer responds "this sub has guaranteed reposts."

A grizzled veteran notices a new recruit in the warzone and walks up to him.

"Did you come here to die?"


"Naw mate, Ai came here yesterdai!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new recruit turns up to the remote outpost.

He meets Tom the only other person there and after a bit of chit chat he asks what they do around there to release sexual tension and female companionship. Tom take the new recruit around the corner and points to an old battered donkey.

“That’s Betty she’s not much to look at and it can be a ...

When I joined the army to fight the cannibals, I was a fresh recruit.

But by the end I was a seasoned veteran

A man gets recruited into the navy...

A man gets recruited into the navy and is getting a tour of the ship by the captain.
The man asked, “What do I do, if I have to relieve some tension, you know?”
So the navy captain takes him to the back of the ship, shows him a barrel, and says, “I’ll go and give you some privacy, you ...

Drill Sergeant: "I didn't see you at camouflage training today recruit!"

Recruit: "Thankyou sir!"

Why is ISIS recruiting young members?

Because all they have right now are Boomers.

Recruiter: "what's your biggest weakness?"

"I don't know when to quit."

"You are hired!"

"I quit."

Upon arriving in hell, I was surprised to find a clerk asking me, “In which military would you like to serve?” Turns out Alexander the Great, Napoleon, and Otto Von Bismarck overthrew Satan centuries ago and have been fighting each other ever since.

"Oh, that’s an easy one, ” I reply.

The clerk looked at me, skeptical.


“You don’t even want to talk to a recruiter? They can tell you all about the perks of each side.”

“No thank you. I know Napoleon will never lose.”

“Well, that’s a pretty stron...

Recruiting Pilots

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near ...

A Senior Officer and his Recruit

Once upon a time in the army, there was an extremely unreasonable and terrifying Officer. Everyone despised him. One day, the Officer slipped on wet rocks and fell into a river. And this Officer could not swim! A young recruit walked by and spotted him. Without hesitation, he dove in and rescued the...

A suicide bombing instructor addresses a group of new recruits.

"All right lads pay attention cos I'm only gonna show you this once"

The Flat-Earth Society is now recruiting new members...

We have chapters all around the world.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane full of paratrooper recruits are doing their first jump.

The drill instructor throws everyone that doesn't jump on their own out of the aircraft personally. The second to last puts up a real fight, but the instructor manages to push him out. The last recruit nearly looses his shit laughing. The instructor turns around and asks: "Do you think this kind of ...

Why do terrorists recruit married men as suicide bombers?

They're easier to convince.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At an ISIS recruitment centre...

Interviewer: Name?

Recruit: Saaed Bin Hasrat.

Interviewer: Sex?

Recruit: Often twice a day.

Interviewer: No, no. Male or female?

Recruit: Male, female, sometimes camel, mostly sheep.

Army commando recruitment - from India

A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army.

Interviewer: "We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert, merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing & most importantly; having a killer instinct. So Do you think you are eligible?"

Man: "No Sir; but ...

It's the First World War, and a French Battalion and a German Battalion face each other in the trenches.

It's a rather slow day, and the Krauts sit bored in their trenches. Then, a young corporal speaks: "We really need to kill more frenchies! What can we do to lure them out?"
A young recruit asks, "What is a typical french name?"
Another answers, "Pierre."
The young recruit gets up, puts his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New recruit gets sent to afghanistan...

after a couple of week he gets real horny, he goes over to his captain & all embarrassed he asks him "Sir, what do guys here do when they get horny & it's at an unbearable level?" Captain says, well there's a tent at the southwest corner of the camp & over there all needs could be taken ...

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fresh batch of military recruits come in and meets the drill sergeant

The sergeant looks at the men and says "I'll your all a bunch of yellow bellied pansies! Are ya!"

They all respond "Sir, no sir!"

"Really?" He responds and points to the end of the table they're standing next to.

At the end of the table, a giant alligator sits in a cage hissing ...

At a recruitment interview

“Can you work overtime for this company without overtime claim?”

“I can work for this company without any pay”

“Ha ha you must be joking.”

“Well you started first.”

A recruiter asks an octopus if he wants to join the Army

The octopus says no thanks I’m army enough as it is.

The CIA is testing recruits

Out of more than 300 who aspired to become elite special agents only three made it to the final test: Two men and a woman. During weeks in which they reached and exceeded physical and psychological limits they proved time and time again that they are better than all others. Now, they are facing the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new recruit is sent to an outpost in the Jungle.

A new recruit is sent out in the jungle to a small outpost, where there are only a few other soldiers there, all of them experienced veterans. After a few weeks, the soldier begins to feel a little unsatisfied with his sex life, so he goes to ask the sergeant what he can do about it. The sergeant sa...

Why did the army sergeant only accept fat recruits into his squad?

He wanted to say he had large privates.

Did you hear the reports about the Drill Sergeant who found 6 recruits still asleep after morning reveille ?

Of course not, they were debunked.

A US Air Force drill instructor stood in front of his new recruits.

"Recruit Bains!" He yelled. "Where did you enlist?"

"In California, sir," Bains replied. "There was an Air Force recruiting station next to a Navy recruiting station."

"Then why," the D.I. asked, "Did you choose the Air Force?"

"Because, sir," Bains answered. "What goes up mu...

Man comes for a lumberjack's recruitment interview

Recruiter: Do you have any experience as a lumberjack sir?

Man: Yes, I used to work in the desert.

Recruiter: But there are no trees in the desert!

Man: There are no trees... anymore, sir.

Why does the army want to only recruit married men?

Because they don't want a **single** man lost!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Navy recruit is being shown around the ship for the first time...

As he is going around the ship with the sergeant, they get to the sleeping quarters. The sergeant says, "This is where you will sleep and get dressed." Before they continue on, the recruit spots a barrel with a hole in the side of it in the corner of the sleeping quarters. The recruit asks, "Sir, wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

FBI recruitment is taking place

Alot of people try and in the end 3 men qualify for the final challenge,
They call the first guy in and tell him,"your wife is sitting in there,kill her so we know that you will follow our every order"
He is shocked, he goes in, picks up the gun and tries to do it but he gives up.
They call...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The CIA is running a recruitment program for potential assassins...

The recruiter has selected three canidates, two men and a woman.
He hands a gun to the first man and says, "Okay, your wife is in that interrogation room. If you want in, then you have to kill her."
The man immediate refuses and is sent home.
The recruiter then hands the gun to the sec...

Where does the military send its under-qualified recruits?

Fort Nite

On the parade ground of an army camp full of national service recruits.

The Sergeant is not known for his diplomacy and constantly screams at the recruits. At the end of one parade, just before giving the order to fall out he shouts out “Private Brown, your mother has died. Fall out!” Private Brown simply collapses in shock.

The Captain hears this and shakes his ...

Did you hear ISIS blew up their first Italian recruit in a suicide bombing today?

They decided to rig a Tony

The CIA is recruiting three people for a top secret mission. (Long)

Their selection comes down to one final test.

The candidates are brought to a remote, undisclosed location and given a loaded firearm. They receive instructions to walk into an adjacent room and kill the person they see sitting there.

Candidate 1, a highly decorated veteran agent wit...

Two basketball recruits are taking a college entrance exam.

The coach says,” men all you have to do is finish this sentence and you’re admitted to school. “

He continues, “Old MacDonald had a _____?”

One of the jocks thinks for a moment and proudly says,” Old MacDonald had a farm.”

The other says, “Yea but how do you spell farm?”

...

Fortune Teller recruitment

Come if you are accepted for the job

"I order you to stand over the new recruits. Do you understand, Lieutenant?"

"No, I overstand".

What's the difference between a terrorist recruitment center and an Iranian general?

I don't know, man, I'm just a pilot.

ISIS is knocking on my door recruiting...

Cause I just bombed this physics test.

What kind of combat training do the recruits in the Israeli army receive?

Jew-Jitsu.

I recently started a recruitment agency that only deals with the underground mining industry.

It's called, Staff It Where The Sun Don't Shine.

Landed a job a few weeks ago as an archeologist excavating tombs in Egypt. But when I went in for work, they just had me go and recruit more archeologists.

Turns out it was a pyramid scheme

A grizzled old sea captain decided to test one of his recent recruits.

“Let’s say you see a storm heading your way off the starboard side. What would you do?”

“I would throw out an anchor, sir,” said the deckhand confidently.

“All right,” said the captain. “Then let’s say a second storm was coming in from your port side. Then what would you do?”

Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew, Muslim and Christian are in a bar

A Jew, Muslim and Christian are in a bar. They are arguing about which religion is the best at recruiting new followers. In the end they all decide to each go into the woods over the week and find a bear. They are then to try and convert that bear to their religion.
A week goes by and they all me...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fresh recruits are lined up at bootcamp waiting to meet their new Seargent.

Out walked this absolut unit of a marine carrying a big black duffel bag. He sets the bag down and yells,
“Do you know what it means to be a marine! You gotta be tough! Do you wanna see what tough is?!"
And with that he unzips the bag and pulls out an alligator. While he's wrestling with the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teenager was standing in front of a recruiter, about to sign his life away to the Marines.

The recruiter promised him adventure and action, and the teenager was buying it all up. He finished his training (Semper Fi!) and was immediately given his first posting: he was going to Afghanistan. Being an FNG, the Devil Dog worked long and worked hard, but by the end of his tour, he felt he had ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A seer was recruited to help a party of heroes break into a ruined dungeon

The other heroes knew that his knowledge of the arcane would help them to understand and predict the nefarious traps that were sure to beset them within the darkened tunnels.



The dungeon's architect had laid it out as a chess board, and the party moved one by one along the squares. Th...

The Army now has an entire platoon of female-to male and male-to-female recruits.

It's a complete trans formation.

So I got a call from a lady from a recruiting firm and she said "Well, I've got 3 openings..."

I said " obviously,you are a woman ".

This recruitment company asked me what I thought about voluntary work

I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me"

The army and the navy were looking for new recruits, when two boll weevil brothers showed up.

The older brother had worked in Hollywood as the go-to guy whenever an insect was needed in a movie, while the other brother had never amounted to much.

The army recruited the older brother, while the navy recruited the younger brother. That day, the navy won a battle, while the army lost a b...

Why was the army recruiter in the nursery?

To find more people for the infantry!

I'm sorry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Top secret mission recruiting...

So the Joint Chiefs of Staff are searching for a soldier for a top secret mission, and they send out to the Army, Navy and Marines for their best soldiers to be considered for this mission.
So the Army sends it's best Ranger, he is pristine in his uniform, his chest covered with all his ribbons,...

You hear Pete Carroll is getting recruited for a new job..

Yeah, he is getting offers from the Pope at the Vatican! The Pope said that if he can make 100 million people say "Jesus Christ" at the same time, he needs to work for the Catholic Church

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.