When I was young I decided to go to medical school. At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS to form the name of an important body part.

Those who said spine are doctors today. The rest of us went to flight school.

I went out to a fine Italian restaurant last night but there was a large woman blocking the entrance....

I couldn’t get pasta

A very loud, grossly over-weight, and very unattractive woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no! They ain't no twins! Oldest one's nine, and the fat one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you b...

At the Pearly Gates, there is a men's entrance and a women's entrance

and at the men's entrance there are two smaller doors for married men. Over one there is the inscription FOR MEN WHO WERE DOMINATED ALL THEIR LIVES BY THEIR WIVES and over the other it reads FOR MEN WHO WERE NOT DOMINATED BY THEIR WIVES.

One morning at opening-up time St Peter comes and unl...

CIA Entrance Test

3 finalists are in the running for an open CIA agent position. They're in a room awaiting their final evaluation to determine which one of them will get the job.

The first applicant is called into a separate room. There is a gun there and their spouse, seated on a chair. They are told to sho...

A man walks into a bar and spies two lovely women sitting by the entrance. As he walks towards the bar, he sees one tap the other shoulder and point at him. She looks him up and down and says "9", followed by giggling.

The man goes over to his buddy and boasts that the two lovely ladies by the
entrance had said he was a 9.

"Yeah, sorry man, but when I walked in they were speaking German."

The entrance exam for medical college had just one question

“ if a young woman faints ,the first thing you need to do is to feel her P U - S - .”




























Those who answered PULSE , passed and the rest are reading this joke

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or I'm leaving to watch Guardians Of The Galaxy.

She said "I'm on my period and Guardians Of The Galaxy is sold out!"

I said, "It's alright, I'll just sneak in through the rear entrance."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, *POOF!* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite sat...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I used to work at a bar that had 3 entrances

One night a really drunk guy comes stumbling in the first entrance. He comes up to me and tries to order a drink

I say “sir I’m sorry but you’re really drunk and I can’t serve you; I’m gonna need you to leave.”

He leaves then I see him come in the 2nd entrance.

I walk up to him ...

A man comes to the entrance of Heaven and is told...

"You haven't done anything good, but you haven't done anything bad either. If you can tell me of something amazing you have done, I will let you in."

The man replies, "Well, one time I was driving down the road and I saw some gang members threatening a young lady in an alleyway. I stopped and...

Entrance to Heaven

Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they’re met by Saint Peter. “In order to get in,” he tells them, “you must each produce something representative of the holidays.”

The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. “This represents a candle of hope....

C, E, and G walk into a bar, just as E took a half step down the entrance

The bartender shouted, "NO MINORS ALLOWED!!"

A Muslim lady was denied entrance into Mcdonalds today until she removes her hijab....

Should have gone to Burka king.

Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance

Long story short, my girlfriend said no.

Entrance Exam

A recent entrance exam for Medical School included several questions that would determine eligibility.

One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."

Those who spelled 'spine' became Doctors....

How do you pass the Isis entrance exam?

I don't know about you, I bombed it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call the entrance to a prostitute's house?

Hodor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

Men entrance to Heaven

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven,God appeared and said,"I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St.Peter."

Soo...

Satan appears in the church

A few minutes before the services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon e...

Three blondes are trying to enter a police academy.

In order to do so, they have to pass an entrance exam.

The examiner takes the first blonde into a secure room and shows her a picture for ten seconds, and then asks: “If this was your suspect, how would you remember him?”

“Easy,” the first blonde responds. “He only has one eye!”
...

What do hobbit homes with no entrances need?

More doors.

What do you call a $1000 door?

A grand entrance

Joining the Military.

To join the Russian Elite forces in Siberia, You are expected to be the best of the best.Just to be allowed to take the gruesome and excruciating entrance exam. You have to meet some pretty strict criteria, and prove yourself with a feat of strength

As Ivan is led to the commissioning officer...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar

He sits by the counter and orders the bar's special drink. After two shots he jumps out of the window,and comes back through the main entrance few minutes later.Another man then asks him - "Wow! We're on like 5th floor. How did you not even break a bone upon falling?"He replied - "The bar's special ...

While walking down the street a politician was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven", says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem. Just let me in," says ...

A man owns an elections store

One day, another electronics store opens up beside him with a massive sign proclaiming "Best deals"

In the afternoon of the same day another electronics store opens up on the other side with a ginormous sign claiming "lowest prices"

The man is worried until he has a brilliant idea. The...

(long) Three men die together and end up in front of the gates of Heaven...

St. Peter states to the three men "It is not widely known but in order to get into Heaven, you need to answer a simple question about religion." so, he turns to the first man and asks, "what is Easter?"

The man pauses and says, "Is that the holiday where we gather around the table with our fa...

Success

A guy finds a strange cave entrance in the wilderness. Because curiousity's only hazardous to cats he walks in.

He sees a gorgeous woman inside. The woman lets her single-piece dress fall and says: "Take me or climb higher to success" pointing at the stairs carved from the stone behind her....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John arrives in heaven and...

...at the entrance St. Peter shows him a high, high-rise building where he must enter.

The problem is that the building does not have an elevator so they slowly take the stairs.

On the first floor there is a corridor with doors on both sides and from all rooms there can be heard religi...

J.K. Rowling recently tweeted out that Hogwarts actually has a full gym for wizards to exercise and lift weights

The entrance is called the Dumbbell Door

A department store opened in downtown area that sold men and a woman decides to visit it in search of a husband.

At the store’s entrance, there’s a sign outlining the department store policy.

* The first rule states that you can only enter the store once.
* There are six floors and on each floor you can choose a husband or elect to move on to the next floor.
* You cannot visit a floor more than on...

HUSBANDS FOR SALE !!!

A store that sells husbands has just opened,
where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bunga Bunga

Three men were exploring a large uncharted island. While hiking through the thick forest they were ambushed at spear-point by a tribe of large aboriginal men. The tribesmen tied their hands behind their backs and marched them through the forest to a small village, busy with working men, and gorgeous...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wait, what was my line again??

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I h...

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....

A man is late for an important interview

But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray.

"Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!"

A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mi...

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead goes to heaven.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead goes to heaven.
At the entrance to heaven ,they meet God. "You have to climb a hundred steps to get to heaven, and at each step I'm going to tell you a joke."He said. "But if any of you laugh, you are going straight to hell."
The blonde, the brunette and the ...

What is Easter?

Three men all die in an accident and met Saint Peter in front of the pearly gates.

"Welcome to heaven gentlemen. I would love to let you in but before I can do that I need to prove that you're devout Christians. If you can tell me what Easter is I can let you through."

The first man st...

Erotica and then some

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Archie the Strangler

A British gangster sat in the corner of a pub with his best mate. Tired and frustrated, he sighed and turned to his friend "I can't stand it anymore, every day and every night she whines and complains at me. On and on and on... I'm so sick of it, I'd gladly have her killed if I could!"

His fr...

There was once a marathon runner who had become quite famous and won many awards for his records.

He was so well liked that eventually he became the president of Iran. During his tenure he managed to take over multiple countries including Azerbaijan, Bulgaria, Greece, Armenia, Georgia, Iraq and Syria. They were all assimilated and became a part of Iran. The only country he didn’t manage to take ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A US senator died and went to heaven.

When he gets to heaven Saint Peter is waiting for him at the pearly gates.
Peter says: "Oh a Senator huh? Well we have a special deal for you! Since you spent your life trying to reach across the aisle to both parties we give you 24 hours in both heaven and hell and at the end of 48 hours you g...

In a very large commercial building there were three stores owned and run by three different businessmen.

The businessman who had his store at one end of the building put up a sign that read "Year End Clearance Sale".

At the far end of the building, not to be outdone, the other businessman put up a sign that read "Closing Out Sale".

The businessman who ran the store in the middle got nervo...

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates...

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be judged before going through. The angel at the entrance tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.

The first man says “I was with my wife for 5 years an...

The Carpenter came around the other day...

He made an amazing entrance!

There were two cavemen, one named Nate and one named Andy

Nate was much stronger than Andy, but Andy was the smart one. One day they came back to their hut and a large boulder was blocking the entrance. They couldn't get in, but Andy had an idea.

Andy said, "lets put a stick under the boulder, and put it over a smaller rock to leverage it, it's cal...

The two lines

A man dies and goes to heaven. At the entrance to the pearly gates he looks ahead and sees two lines. One says "MEN WHO HAVE BEEN DOMINATED BY WOMEN THEIR ENTIRE LIVES" and another one for those who haven't.

The dominated line has men a mile long, queuing and waiting, seeming to stretch on f...

A newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor.

"As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.' From that moment on you will wo...

There was a fire at Sea World.

Over the intercom, everyone was told to calmly make their way to the exits.
Some staff stayed behind to secure the animals and maybe stop the blaze.
The Pool Manager noticed Timmy was at the entrance of the building with the fire.
He saw Timmy was throwing dead seals across the doorway.
...

A man dies and ends up in Hell...

When he arrives, the Devil is there to greet him. "Welcome to Hell!" he says, "Now that you're here, you must choose from one of three kingdoms to spend the rest of eternity in. Be warned, however: once you make your choice, you can never leave that kingdom!"

So the devil takes the man to the...

A store owner is depressed when he noticed a sign on his neighbors business saying "Best Deals"

He feels even worse when the business on the other side of him puts up a sign saying
"Lowest Prices"

But then an idea struck him!

The next day he bought an even bigger sign reading "Main Entrance"

An Irishman is talking with an American at a music festival.

Irishman: I tell ya man it sucks that we're not allowed to bring our own beer into this festival. All of the beer here is so goddamn overpriced.

American: I know what you mean my friend, so in this case I'll help you out.

*The American pulls out a pair of binoculars and un caps the len...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man visits New York

After a 6 hour flight he lands on John F. Kennedy International Airport, and gets a cab to a nearby pub.
Entering the pub he sees two odd things, there is a Horse partially behind some curtain, and a large bowl filled with money at the bar it self.

He walks over to the barkeep and asks...

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done.

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I wa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men die and go to Heaven (long):

John, Paul and Steve, none of whom knew each other, suddendly realise they must’ve died and find themselves waiting at Heaven’s gates.

St. Peter greets them, but it turns out the place is a bit crowded at the moment:

St. Peter: “I’m terribly sorry guys, but we’re a bit tight on space,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Death awaits

4 friends are hanging out at an abandon hospital. Their names are Eric, David, Stacy, and Mohammad. Eric is an outgoing guy who will often spend his weekends stunt driving. David just got out of basic training, Stacy is a professional swimmer, and Mohammad makes coffins for a living, and in his free...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Toothbrush Salesman.

One day, a man with a lisp named Joseph walks into a toothbrush factory. Down on his luck and very desperate, he asks to speak to the manager of the facility, about getting a job as a toothbrush salesman. The manager walks out, and greets Joseph. “Hi there thir, my names Jotheph, and I was curiouth ...

You know what they say;

Your body is a temple, make sure you charge people for entrance.

The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is grou...

A guy's working as a cashier at Best Buy

He finds his job a little dull, but from where he's stationed he can see out to store entrance to the parking lot (and more importantly, the sky) outside. He spends a lot of time looking out the store entrance and daydreaming, but one day he notices a blond woman walk up to the store with a bunch of...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Carl woke up.

It was 1 hour before dawn again. He always woke up early these days.
Carl was a lone survivor. It had been 2 years 3 months and 5 days since the start and he was still going strong, he guessed he was just lucky.

He was down to his last bullet. Ammo had practically run dry about a year ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there's these two friends named Bill and Jim.

Jim has Chihuahua and Bill has a German Shepherd. These two guys go for a walk with their dogs every Saturday evening. One Saturday, as they were passing a popular bar, Bill asked Jim if he wanted to go get a drink.

Jim replied, "Um Bill we have dogs lol we can't go in there fam."

To t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Yo Mama so old....

She has a separate entrance for black people.

Veteran Wine Taster

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. He posted a sign at the entrance to the building... EXPERIENCED WINE TASTER NEEDED --POSITION STARTS IMMEDIATELY.

A retired veteran named "Ace," drunk and with a ragged dirty look a...

A man decides to open up a business...

Sadly, he is located right between two other shops in the same line of business he wishes to enter. To his left, a large sign reads "Smith and Co.", to his right theres "Winstons Finest". So, after a bit of pondering, he decides to name his shop "Main Entrance"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunk’s struggle

A man has been sitting at a bar drinking his sorrows away all night. The bartender notices the guy’s state of intoxication and decides it’s time to cut him off for the night.

“I won’t serve you anymore tonight” says the bartender.

“That’s fine” says the drunk as he stumbles out the f...

Walking on stage to a round of applause is a lot like foreplay.

Both involve a warm hand on my entrance.

Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven...

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inf...

A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse screams, "I will end you!" And bites the bartender in the throat. A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, "why the floppy h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can see the future....

A man walks into his local pub for a pint after work. After being served his drink, he turns to find a table to sit down and enjoy his pint.
There are two tables free, one near the entrance and another towards the back. He opts for the one near the entrance, sits down, and takes a nice refreshing...

There guys died at the same time and was waiting to enter heaven

At the pearlly gates, St Peter was there to greet them.

He said, "in order to enter heaven, you have to walk up these 100 steps. On each step you will be told a joke. If you can hold in your laughter until the 100th, you may enter heaven."

So the first guy takes up the challenge, on t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man suspects that his wife is cheating on him.

One day, he arrives home early from work, hoping to catch her in the act. He makes his way up to their 20th story apartment, and throws the door open with such force that the whole apartment shakes, and hears a gasp from his wife.

"Ah-ha!" He says, as he bolts into their bedroom, only to fin...

I went to a maths convention...

... and on a table near the entrance were some bags filled with maths related items.

There was Pi pie

Hypotenuse mouse

And many others

So I thought to myself, "I really want one of those bags," and I went to the table to grab one. However, no matter how hard I tried I ...

Stop me if you've heard this one...

A high school decides to put on a reunion for the class of '98. Turnout is slow at first, but eventually the well known former students start to show up. There's student body president Leslie Pindogs and her kids, star quarterback Robert Course and his wife Molly, valedictorian Sandra Kevver and her...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A beautiful young woman is sunbathing on the beach of an upscale resort, when she feels a buzzing in her vagina.

Alarmed, she runs to her father for help. "I think there's an insect in my coochie!" she tells him, frantically dancing from the buzzing sensation.

They call up the resort's resident doctor. He takes her into his office for an examination.

"Yup. It looks like a bee has crawled into yo...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead rob a bank..

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decide to rob a bank. Everything goes well-they have their masks on, the bank hands over the money-awesome.

Exiting the bank, they hear sirens and see several cop cars round the corner, so they dash into a small alleyway.

The cops are quick though, a...

A quick-thinking Walmart greeter . . .

So after landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids. She was yelling obscenities at them all the way throu...

Vampire bats fly out of their cave and into the night looking for blood.

As the sun begins to rise the following morning, all of them return without consuming a single drop of blood, no one could find any food that night.

All except one, Gerald, who flies back in with blood pouring down his fangs.

"I searched all night for some blood, didn't even get a sni...

A young couple attend a dance together...

A young couple attend a dance together. When the two arrive at the dance, there is a long line to enter the dance hall.

After waiting and waiting, the couple make it to the front entrance.

They are told they can’t enter the dance hall unless they have a ticket.

The line for t...

Desperate for money, I robbed a bank today. My heart sank when I heard a voice boom, "This is the police! We have all the exits surrounded, so come out with your hands up!"

I escaped through the entrance...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Dollar Store Machine

A man is shopping at the local Dollar store when he finds a new futuristic looking machine near the store's entrance. He asks the store employee what it was.

"This amazing machine will diagnose any ailments you might have from your spit. It costs only $1 to use."

Curious the man gives ...

A Pastor dies & gets to Heaven ...

He arrives at the pearly gates. Saint Peter is sitting high atop a chair at a podium greets him. "John H Smith, welcome to Heaven. We have seen your life's work. Here is a key to your mansion with 10 rooms, silver gilded windows & golden walls. 20 angels to help you with your daily lifesty...

[Blonde] Two blondes arrive at St. Peter...

...and he promises to forgive all sins and enter Paradise only to the one who answers the question correctly. Sv. Peter asked first blonde to tell him what was Easter. The first blonde said, I know, I know ... It's that holiday on the winter, when we decorate a christmas tree in the house and celebr...

A smart man was walking his dog, when he noticed a bar and wanted to have a drink...

At the entrance there was a sign though which said: **No animals. Service dogs only!**

Considering that his dog was a Chihuahua, the guy thought of a genius idea...

He walked in the bar and the moment he entered, the bartender said "uh excuse me sir, service animals ONLY!"

The m...

3 guys are standing on a tower

They are pretty much bored until one of the guys proposes a challenge.

He challenges the other two to throw their watch of the tower and to run down as fast as they can to try and catch it before it drops to the ground. Each of them puts in $100, so the first one to catch the watch wins and g...

So Jesus comes walking out of his tomb....

He sees that Mary Magdelene's really torn up about the crucifixtion business, and couldn't stop crying until Jesus showed up. Jesus decides to cheer Mary up by taking her to a comedy show in Rome.
The Diefied Duo arrive at the venue, and there's a Centurion guarding the entrance letting crowd of ...

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