UPJOKE
doorgatedoorwayentrywayentryentreeportalenteringgatewayaccessadmittancehypnotizeintrusionbeguileincoming

Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance

Long story short, my girlfriend said no.

A secretary at the Kremlin is having a cigarette break besides the main entrance.

All of a sudden, the doors fly open and bursting out of the building comes a Russian Army general, muttering to himself:

"That idiotic, delusional, ridiculous old clown of a president! Why doesn't he just do us all a favour and throw himself out of a window?!"

The secretary thought to ...

I was nearly at the freeway entrance...

... when I suddenly remembered that since I had the SUV today, I was stuck with dropping our Great Dane off at the vets that morning. A screeching u-turn, more than a few rolling stops and made it back in record time. Bursting into the house, I tore from room to room, calling for the dog. Throwing ...

Lady: Doctor, my bottom hurts right around the entrance.

Doctor: That is exit. As long as you call it entrance, it will hurt.

Three women die and end up at the entrance of heaven.

There, the three women meet the caretaker of heaven. He points out that there is only one rule in Heaven; do not step on the turtles. An odd rule but the women agree with a pinch of confusion. When they enter, the only thing they can see are turtles. Everywhere turtles. A croak croak here, a croak c...

Some friends are chillin when one pipes up, “I’m not attracted to my wife anymore.” His friends are all astonished. “You know what it’s like to have the same woman every night x 25 years? Same feel, smell, taste x25 years?” “Why not flip her over, try another entrance.”

“And risk getting her pregnant?! I think not!”

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"Doc, my butt hurts"

"Where specifically does it hurt?"

"Right around the entrance"

"Yeah well that's the exit. As long as you think it's an entrance, it'll continue to hurt"

While waiting in line at the entrance to a museum, my 16-year old daughter ran up to my wife and me and said, “Mom, Dad! We need to get a line form!”

Confused, I said “A line form?” She said, “Yes, I think you have to turn it in right over there before you can go in.” She pointed to the entrance.

That’s when I looked and saw the sign that said “Line Forms Here”.

True story. Bonus facts: She’s now a brilliant NICU nurse so she r...

Your mom is so old

She has a separate entrance for black guys

Warning: Police are on the lookout for an overweight man who did not pay his entrance fee to the Boston Marathon.

He is believed to be still on the run

Disneyland will be opened in Chernobyl. As always, at the entrance, the visitors will be greeted by a 7-feet-tall mouse.

But this time, a real one.

A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive...

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.

“It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor.

“Look, I was having a gin ...

Supermarket franchise moves into small town

A big, nationwide operating grocery franchise opened a store in a small, rural town in the midwest. Since there was only a local farmers store across the street, the manager decided to bankrupt the local store and monopolize on the town. So he approached potential customers at the door of the local...

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Patient went to the doctor

Patient: Doctor, the entrance to my butthole really hurts and I don’t know why

Doctor: Well, it’s because you’re calling it an entrance

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Heavenly pleasure

Jimmy takes the bus to go to work every morning and there is always a beautiful nun sitting in the last row in her traditional costume who captures his attention. One day he gathers his courage and decides to hit on her. So he walks over and gives her some compliments but the nun just keeps looking ...

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Guy goes to the doctor for a pain in his ass

Tells the doctor "doc ive got some pain right by the entrance of my asshole"

Doc replies: "long as u call it an entrance its gonna hurt"

A mixup at the gates of hell

The devil was sitting at the gates of hell when an old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork,

and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.



“This can’t be right,” the old man said, looking at the D...

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An anthropologist decides to study a particular Inuit tribe.

So he arranges to spend five years living among them. After about a year he hears talk of a secret society, but when he asks to join he's told no. Wanting to be thorough he persists, and eventually the tribal chief gives in. He tells the anthropologist "I have decided to allow you to join our societ...

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Marriage

The child was a typical four-year-old girl -- cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny.

When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out...

I used to think the "CE" in "BCE" stood for "Christ Entrance"

It's a common error

At the entrance to the aquarium there was a sign that said "No dogs".

I thought, "What sort of aquarium *does* have dogs?"

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f...

Here I am, standing at the entrance of this deep cave.

Who's that idiot inside repeating everything I shout?

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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I h...

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Life in the countryside.

A tv reporter was tasked to go to the countryside and make an article about how people live in there. once he arrives, he sees an old man sitting by house in the entrance with a bottle of some alcoholic beverage, he introduces himself to the old man and asks him how is life in that place, the old ma...

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"Doctor,I've soreness in the entrance my asshole!"

"I can understand why and it will continue as long as you refer it as an Entrance" .

I failed my medical school entrance exam because of nerves.

The correct answer was blood vessels.

My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't stop pointing out random exits and entrances

I said: "There's the door"

Why is a destroyed entrance cute?

Because it's a-door-rubble.

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde were all in a car driving down an empty road that stretched for miles alongside a farm.

“Drive faster!” Entices the Redhead.

The car picks up speed.

“Fassterrr!!” Demanding the Blonde...

A piece of string walks up to the entrance of a night club.

As he approaches the front of the line, the bouncer crosses his path and says to him “sorry mate, are you a piece of string?”

The piece of string says “yes, is that a problem?”

The bouncer replies “yeah, sorry but I can’t let pieces of string in, it’s policy.”

The string walks ...

A sailor enters a sketchy watering hole. In the entrance a sign reads: Sausage roll 10$

And underneath it continues: Hand job 13$

A curvy barmaid is at the bar. He approaches her.

- Are you the one giving the hand jobs?
- Yes my sweet, are you feeling lonely? Do you want one?

He says

- No I will need you to sanitize your hands though...

(taking ...

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A cowboy riding his trusty horse, stopped at an old tavern.

He got in and yelled "Bartender! Gimme a drink, will ya? One that's really strong!"

"Right away, sir." The bartender complied, and poured him a glass of a strong and fine scotch. However, after drinking it quickly the cowboy got angry, and made a scene.

"What the hell was that? If I as...

CIA Entrance Test

3 finalists are in the running for an open CIA agent position. They're in a room awaiting their final evaluation to determine which one of them will get the job.

The first applicant is called into a separate room. There is a gun there and their spouse, seated on a chair. They are told to sho...

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Entrance to Heaven

Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they’re met by Saint Peter. “In order to get in,” he tells them, “you must each produce something representative of the holidays.”

The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. “This represents a candle of hope....

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A man goes to a brothel

A man goes to a brothel, which he often goes to. Unfortunately, he’s already had all the good looking ladies there, some even several times. So, he asks the man at the lobby, whether there is a woman, he has not had the pleasure with, whom he could have a really good night with.

The man says ...

A man built a zoo..

He made the entrance fee $60 but no one enters his zoo..

He reduced it to $40 but still no one came.

He made $10 for the entrance but no one still enters..

What the man did, because no one was coming in even though the entrance fee was very low, he just made it FREE.

As a...

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

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Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, \*POOF!\* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite s...

A very loud, grossly over-weight, and very unattractive woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no! They ain't no twins! Oldest one's nine, and the fat one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you b...

A Viking is out shopping when he comes across an old woman in a wheelchair crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the Viking.

"Well," the woman says, wiping her tears, "I have been living on my own for many months now, and my daughter and son-in-law have at last come to visit me. My daughter has brought me along on this shopping trip, but it's the first time I've really been out and ...

A man walks into a bar and spies two lovely women sitting by the entrance...

As he walks towards the bar, he sees one tap the other shoulder and point at him. She looks him up and down and says "9", followed by giggling. The man goes over to his buddy and boasts that the two lovely ladies by the entrance had said he was a 9.

"Yeah, sorry man, but when I walked in the...

A few minutes before the services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

A few minutes before the services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon ev...

A Muslim lady was denied entrance into Mcdonalds today until she removes her hijab....

Should have gone to Burka king.

A man comes to the entrance of Heaven

A man comes to the entrance of Heaven and is told, "You haven't done anything good, but you haven't done anything bad either. If you can tell me of something amazing you have done, I will let you in."

The man replies, "Well, one time I was driving down the road and I saw some gang members thr...

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A penis, a vagina, and a butthole walk into a bar.

The vagina goes through the entrance, the butthole goes through the exit, and the penis "meant" to go through the entrance, but "accidentally" went through the exit.

What do hobbit homes with no entrances need?

More doors.

When I was young I decided to go to medical school. At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS to form the name of an important body part.

Those who said spine are doctors today. The rest of us went to flight school.

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Due to coronavirus, an all nude strip club owner put out a sign at the entrance of notifying customers of halted business operations

“Clothed for business”

Entrance Exam

A recent entrance exam for Medical School included several questions that would determine eligibility.

One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."

Those who spelled 'spine' became Doctors....

I went out to a fine Italian restaurant last night but there was a large woman blocking the entrance....

I couldn’t get pasta

A husband, wife, and son arrive at the entrance to an English royal palace for an evening dinner...

Before each guest enters the palace, a butler formally introduces each family to the guests with an announcement. As the family approaches the butler at the entrance, the butler asks:

Butler: “And your family name, sir?”

Husband: “Bates”

The butler opens the door and with loud ...

The entrance exam for medical college had just one question

“ if a young woman faints ,the first thing you need to do is to feel her P U - S - .”




























Those who answered PULSE , passed and the rest are reading this joke

Why was Sauron always adding entrances to his tower?

Because he lived in Mordor.

Two basketball recruits are taking a college entrance exam.

The coach says,” men all you have to do is finish this sentence and you’re admitted to school. “

He continues, “Old MacDonald had a _____?”

One of the jocks thinks for a moment and proudly says,” Old MacDonald had a farm.”

The other says, “Yea but how do you spell farm?”

...

How do you pass the Isis entrance exam?

I don't know about you, I bombed it.

Men entrance to Heaven

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven,God appeared and said,"I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St.Peter."

Soo...

At the Pearly Gates, there is a men's entrance and a women's entrance

and at the men's entrance there are two smaller doors for married men. Over one there is the inscription FOR MEN WHO WERE DOMINATED ALL THEIR LIVES BY THEIR WIVES and over the other it reads FOR MEN WHO WERE NOT DOMINATED BY THEIR WIVES.

One morning at opening-up time St Peter comes and unl...

C, E, and G walk into a bar, just as E took a half step down the entrance

The bartender shouted, "NO MINORS ALLOWED!!"

The trainee competition judge arrived at the village fair

He meets his mentor at the entrance.

"Nice to meet, nice to meet, nice to meet you," stammers the mentor. "Forgive my, forgive my, forgive my speech impediment."

"Please, don't worry about it," says the trainee.

They head off to judge the villagers' chilli peppers. They come to...

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I used to work at a bar that had 3 entrances

One night a really drunk guy comes stumbling in the first entrance. He comes up to me and tries to order a drink

I say “sir I’m sorry but you’re really drunk and I can’t serve you; I’m gonna need you to leave.”

He leaves then I see him come in the 2nd entrance.

I walk up to him ...

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What do you call the entrance to a prostitute's house?

Hodor.

Three nuns were killed in a car crash and went to heaven

Three nuns were killed in a car crash and went to heaven facing St. Peter at the entrance.

St. Peter: Before you can enter, you must answer a question.

To the first nun: What is the name of the first woman?

Nun #1: Eve. St. Peter: Correct. You can enter.

St. Peter to ...

[Long] There once was a homeless viking who sat in front of a bakery...

Every morning when the bakery opens, a sweet young woman would buy him a cup of coffee.

One day he wanted to find a way of repaying her kindness.

The bakery began a special promotion called "Cake of Chance".

Every day a random customer would receive a free slice of their special...

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church bulletin bloopers

*These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:*
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for ...

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So this supermodel is teaching math class

All the boys would be entranced by her amazing figure, and they have a hard time paying attention. Meanwhile all the girls are jealous because she’s stealing all of their men.

One day, she was giving a lecture on graphing, so she told everyone to pull out their calculators. One boy’s calcula...

A guy is late for an important meeting

But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!"

My favorite Irish joke about The Olympics

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman wanted to see the Olympics, but they didn't have tickets. They went round back to see if they could sneak in, but there was a guard at the rear entrance which is also where the competing athletes entered. The Englishman looks around and sees a long pole on the g...

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A guy goes to the doctor with bowel problems

"Doc. My butt just ain't right the past few days." he says.

"Alright," says the doctor.

"Pull your pants down and tell me where it's hurting exactly."

The guy does so, points and says,

"It's particularly painful near the entrance here."

The doctor is taken back and...

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A jealous king was about to go on a long journey but was afraid that his queen would be unfaithful to him..

Therefore he summoned his best blacksmiths, in order to create a device that was going to provide protection from any penetration to his queen.

The most ingenious blacksmith came with an invention that could split in half anything that would dare to penetrate the queens genitals.

...

Three Shops

A mall manager has three spaces to rent, all in a row. A prospective lessee by the name of Bruce shows up and says he wants to rent the space on the left for a men's wear shop.

"That's fine," the mall manager says. "You get free signage; what do you want on the sign?"

"Men's Wear," say...

2 Christians in the Sahara

Were lost and looking for food/water. They found in the middle of the day a small city with a mosque in its entrance. The two men decided to go look for charity there. Before going in they had a discussion:
Man 1: I don't think they will provide us with food knowing that we're Christians, I'll sa...

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What a fish…

So, one day a monk goes fishing. He walks out on the pier, throws that line out there nice and good, and lets it rest for a bit. BAM! Fish on! And man, is he fighting! Falling over, sliding across the pier, no good! Some good Samaritans decide to help. They prop him up, and fight that good fight! Be...

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A joke from Berlusconi

It's 10 pm and a rich businessman, Mr. Bestetti, is working at his home office when his wife enters the room shouting: "I have talked with our priest, he told me everything! You cheat on me by going to the strip club! I am going to go to the lawyer and get a divorce, and you'll give me half of every...

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Story Time - The Dog Party

This is not all that funny and it was told to me as part of someone's leaving speech way back in the mid-80's - but it does leave a long lasting impression that you can take with you, anywhere:

In 1964, all of the dogs in the world attended a weekender party. Early in the afternoon - in the e...

Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St Peter himself.

St Peter says, "Well Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyon...

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....

I met a girl crying outside a mall.

I asked her what's wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance.
When god blesses you, you must bless others.

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Paul goes to the doctor…

And is complaining of pain.

When the doctor asked him to describe it Paul said It’s a throbbing at the entrance to my asshole.

Ah….Said the doctor. “See the problem is you are calling it an “entrance.”

A man in his 80’s went to a doctor with his beautiful, breathtaking 25 year old lady.

Doctor helped the frail old man in his clinic: What can I do for you today, sir?

Old man said to the Dr: I married this beautiful angel 2 months ago, and she is pregnant with my baby. At this age, I forgot how to care for the mother, I want to seek your advice.

Doctor a little taken ...

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

There is a restaurant that advertises that it will serve you anything you want, but if they can't, then they will gift you $5000 as an apology.

A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance, and believes this to be bullshiet, but decides to try it out anyway.

He enters and a waiter takes him to a table. The waiter asks, "What would you like to eat today, sir?"

Man: "I would like an elephant's ear and a muffin ...

A man is invited to a posh private golf course by his boss.

The place is great! They enjoy a round of golf and at the clubhouse the boss says "Get yourself a shower while I talk to my friends here; I'll see you in the restaurant."
He goes in, turns left to the showers, and is just coming out of a stall when he hears female voices! He's in the *womens* s...

A man went to the doctor…

A man went to see his doctor. The Doctor asked him what the problem was. The man replied, “I have pain in my ass”. The Doctor inquired, “where”? The man stated, “at the entrance.” The Doctor nodded and said, “as long as you keep calling it an entrance, you’re going to have pain there.”

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A daughter takes her old father to a retirement home

A daughter takes her old father in a wheelchair to a retirement home for the first time. The nurse, expecting their arrival, greets them with, "Welcome to the Johnson family retirement home! We think you'll feel quite at home here! Please follow me and I'll show you around." The nurse pushes the...

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

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A young painter once had an old ladder

The ladder was one he’d found in a dumpster a few years before and, since he was poor and needed a ladder, he snatched it up and considered himself lucky. Over time, as he used the ladder on large murals, it would invariably be off-kilter, would not sit flush to the wall, or a rung would slip and ro...

Just wanna buy horses (long)

There was a young man interested in buying a pair of horses for breeding. He came across a small ranch with the rancher standing in front of the main entrance while watching a pair or horses gallop inside the fenced property.

Man: How much for the horses?

Rancher: White or black?
...

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A man gets an really good paying job at an oil field in northern Alaska.....

after about two weeks the man talks to a coworker and asks him, "So, what do y'all do for fun around here?" The man replies, "If you want you can come with me tonight and I'll show you what we do."

So the man follows him after work to a barren area with nothing for miles but a single barrel i...

Why did the general contractor insist on hiring a drag queen to install the house’s front door?

Because a drag queen always knows how to make an entrance.

HUSBANDS FOR SALE !!!

A store that sells husbands has just opened,
where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper a...

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