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English Professor Jokes

A university English professor tells his students

“In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language can a double positive form a negative.”


But then a voice from the back of the room piped up,


“Yeah, right.”

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An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked:

What about extreme sexual exhaustion?

The entir...

In honor of my uncle, an English professor who just passed away, here’s one of his jokes about grammar pedants

A grammarian fell into a sewer. Someone came and said, “Need help?”

The grammarian was offended at his language. “You would have made sense if you had said, ‘Do you need any help?’” he rebuked.

A second man came and spoke as the first. Again, the pedant was offended and said, “You wou...

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From an English Professor.

"In the world of hi-tech gadgetry , I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the practice of using capital letters.

The use of capitals , known as capitalization , is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping y...

Which actor could have majored as an English professor?

Kelsey Grammer

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English professor

An English professor is standing in front of his class giving a lecture on proper punctuation.

Professor: "I've noticed a lot of people using quotation marks for emphasis, and I just wanted to clear this up because it can cause a lot of confusion in certain circumstances."

He puts up a...

My English professor had a colonoscopy...

Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.

An English professor's wife leaves town for a few days.

Having forgotten something, she returns to find him in bed with another woman.


'Oh, my God!' She exclaims.
'I'm surprised.'


The professor tells her: 'Not quite darling...we are surprised. You are shocked.'

An English Professor asked the class what the opposite of right was. A boy raised his hand and answered "left".

Professor responded "wrong".

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A man walks in on his wife, an English professor, having sex with his buddy. Honey! How could you! Well.. I'm surprised!

She responds: *I'm* surprised. *you* are *astonished*.

punctuations

An English professor wrote the words:
A woman without her man is nothing.

He asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All male students wrote:
A woman, without her man, is nothing.

All female students wrote:
A woman: without her, man is nothing.

(OC) What do you call a doctor that works with Colons?

An English professor.

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Why did the blonde college student have sex with a Mexican?

Her English professor told her to do an essay.

At the national poetry contest finals,...

The final two contestants were a harvard educated english professor and a redneck from the hills of Alabama. The final task was to write a 4 line poem containing the word timbuktu. Each finalist was given 5 minutes to come up with a poem

After they were given some time to think, the finals ...

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