UPJOKE
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A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the

guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for wha...

Thank you student loans for getting me through university...

I don't think I could ever repay you

There was a poetry competition final with two contestants, a university student and an old country man.

They each had 20 seconds to come up with a poem about Timbuktu.

The student goes first and says " Across the desert sands, crossed a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination Timbuktu."

The crowd goes wild cheering for the poem.

The old country man then goes, "Tim...

You're not stupid if you haven't been to university

Einstein never went to university and he was the first man to climb mount Everest

A university student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

'A swan shan't be friends with a pig.'

'Then I shall fly on,' answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

At a university there was a dean who cared about others and showed exemplary behavior. One day an angel appeared at a faculty conference.

The angel said as a reward for his good deeds that God would give him his choice of eternal riches, eternal wisdom, or eternal beauty.

The dean chose eternal wisdom without hesitation.

"Good," said the angel, disappearing into a cloud of smoke.

Everyone present turned their gaze...

The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.

He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed"
...

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A vegan is at the entrance of a university campus trying to get others to become vegan

He sees an angry and disappointed kid walking out of the campus, and takes the opportunity to ask if they want to become vegan.

“You know who else was vegan?” the angry kid responds. “Adolf Hitler. And I just got kicked out of art school right now, so I’m not taking any risks.”

A University of Alabama graduate gets a job

He shows up to his first day of work, and the boss hands him a mop and a bucket.

"Hey! I will have you know I'm a graduate of the University of Alabama!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the boss said, "let me show you how to use those."

In University I was doing a 'Degree In Communism' . . . but had to drop out after the first year . . .

. . . lousy Marx

Proud University Graduates

Two young men who had just graduated from university climbed into a taxi wearing

their graduation gowns.

Cab Driver : “Are you graduates from the city university?”

Young Graduates: “Yes, sir,” they announced proudly. “Class of 2021.”

Cab Driver : ...

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?"

Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."...

A mugger jumps out in front of a university student...

...and shouts "your money or your life!"

The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".

My university mixed up it’s Zoology and Neurology pamphlets

They tried to hire Pavlov’s dog but built a Hippo-campus

I went to an agricultural university and I specialized in growing beans.

Someday, I hope to start a wind farm.

I dreamt of a bunch of hippos attending university…

They’re still there in my hippocampus

What's the difference between a university student and a beggar?

15 years

A university professor...

... is sitting in the cafeteria, having lunch. One of the students sits at his table without asking.

"Since when" says the professor "do pigs and eagle eat together?".

"OK", says the student, "I'll fly away."

It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State

Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.

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When you think about it, a vagina is a lot like a university.

They're both a lot easier to get into, if you're rich or an athlete.

A university English professor tells his students

“In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language can a double positive form a negative.”


But then a voice from the back of the room piped up,


“Yeah, right.”

Trump didn't do too well with Trump University....

And he's not looking good at Electoral College either.

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A young university student is failing her history class

So she decides to see if she can, shall we say, convince her professor to give her a passing grade. She does her hair and makeup, puts on a skimpy dress and heels, and goes to his office.

"Professor," she says, "I'm afraid that I might fail your class."

"That's true," he says, barely ...

Heard about the Robert E Lee statue at Duke University campus?

[removed]

Did you know that University of Florida was not the first school to invent a hydrating sports drink with Gatorade?

Turns out Florida State couldn't make the marketing work for Seminole Fluid.

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Dave, a student at a university seems to be getting a lot of sexual attention from women

Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is.
"Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says.
"Wow! And that works?" Mike asks.
"Every time" Dave replies. So later tha...

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A psychology professor at an esteemed university decided to have a costume party for his birthday.

Every student was invited but would only be let in if they were dressed as an emotion. This confused but intrigued his class as they were all very astute and eager to party.

The night of the party arrived and the first guest came dressed in all red.

"What emotion are you?" the professo...

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A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"

Physics Professor is sitting in the office of the Director of the University

And the Director tells him: "You physicists and your experiments are so damn expensive with all your special machines and exotic materials. Why can't you be more like the mathematicians? All they ever ask for is paper, pencils and a trashcan. Or even better, the philosophers. They don't even need a ...

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A professor at the University was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"T...

After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD…

or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.

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At university, students had to come up with a sentence in which the words "love" and "sex" both appeared

A female student's composition:

'When two people deeply and passionately love each other, and both reach a high level of mutual respect, then society morally and spiritually encourages that these two people should unite in the ecstasy of physical sex.'

A male student's composition:
...

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Elon Musk wants to start a university called the ‘Texas Institute of Technology & Science and an affiliate called Austin School of Science

To be known as TITS and ASS

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A Texan arrived for his first day at Harvard University ...

A Texan arrived for his first day at Harvard University and found himself lost in the yard. He stopped a professor who was walking by and said to him, "Howdy Pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at?"

The professor couldn't believe his ears. "What did you say?" he said.
...

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Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like partic...

Fred came home from University in tears. "Mum, am I adopted?" he asked.

"No of course not," replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?”

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred ha...

There's a University called the National University of Science and Technology

It's not called the National University of Technology and Science, because that would be NUTS.

A student at the local (insert rival university here) was ready to graduate after 10 years.

Because he'd been there so long, word got out that his final exam was to be held, and people were so excited that they filled up the football stadium!

The professor wanted to makes sure he passed, so gave this question:

P: What is 2 + 2?

Student: uhhhhh - fouuurrr???

T...

What stops a blonde from attending university?

High school.

My university professor and Gandalf have a lot in common...

..they both say "You shall not pass!"

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An old grandma is taking care of her grandson for the summer before he leaves for university.

One day, the boy brings a male friend home, seeming to be very secretive about their activities, but the grandma surmises the usual. It is fair that they are secretive, as her son and daughter-in-law are peculiarly homophobic, she's sure she didn't raise him like that, but she wishes to tell him tha...

I wanted to study History at university, but I was advised not to.

People told me there's no future in it.

Miskatonic University Eliminated First Round of NCAA Tournament

Officials cite gross misunderstanding of “March Madness”…

My university professors must really like Lord of the Rings

Whenever I ask them about my grades they just say "You shall not pass"

A young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism

A young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, in...

If a married man graduates from the University his first time,

is he still given a **bachelor's** degree?

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

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An academic from Oxford University is writing a paper on sheep shagging technique.

Having no personal experience on the subject, he decides to travel across the country and interview farmers from different regions to find out how they shag their sheep.

First, he visits a farmer in Scotland and asks him what his sheep shagging technique is.

“Well laddy, after grabbi...

A University lecturer is struggling to please his wife in the bedroom

He notices that a student in his class, Andre, is always speaking to the female students and seems very popular with the ladies. One day after a lecture he approaches Andre.

'Things haven't been great in the bedroom with the wife and you seem to be popular with the ladies. Do you have any adv...

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At a university for wizards, an undergrad was having a big week. He had just learned his first spell. Freeze, Level 1.

Turns out he was a natural. By the second day, he could freeze his classmates for ten seconds. When Friday came, the professor declared he was ready for the final project: to freeze people in public.

Over the weekend, he went looking for a place to cast. He needed somewhere with a lot of peop...

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A young guy was visiting his friend at Harvard University.

He was supposed to meet his friend at the library, but he got lost. He sees another guy coming up the walkway, so he asks, "Hey man, where's the library at?"

Th student turns up his nose and says, "Here at Harvard, we never end a sentence with a preposition."

The guy replied, "Sorry, m...

A University poses the following question to the best student in each subject:

A train crashes on the border between France and Germany. Where do you bury the survivors?

The Phyics student replied saying that, since a border is a 2 dimentional object and humans are 3D, they would have to be buried in both France and Germany simultaneously.

The Law student stated ...

What does George Lucas look for when rating a university’s sports program?

He makes sure there are two D2 teams.

So this Isreali send his son to university in Jerusalem...

The son comes back on holiday and breaks it to his father that he is now a Christian. The father is completely distraught and runs out the back door. His neighbor sees and ask him what is wrong.

"My son! He goes to Jerusalem and returns a Christian!" he cries.

The neighbor nods his he...

interviewer: it says here you went to Harvard University.

Me: yeah, I was visiting my sister.

A man spends his days studying archeology at university, and his nights dreaming of someday finding a girlfriend.

No matter how hard he tried, he could never master the techniques of dating.

Eventually, his professors had to fail him.

What’s the difference between a French university student and a Russian one?

The French student is well shaved and slightly drunk; the Russian one is vice versa

Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo

One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there."

Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.

I read the other day that Penn State has spent $237 million defending the university during the Sandusky lawsuit. Think of how many peoples’ education that would pay for.

At least 4 or 5.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

Two physicists and two mathematicians are invited to a conference at university

(You may think you’ve heard this before but I’ve got a twist on the ending)

The four guys meet up and find a train to the conference.

At the train station, the physicists buy two tickets each, but the mathematicians only buy one.

They board the train and begin talking, but when...

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A boy from the country attended the prestigious university in the city.

With his degree, he got prizes in mathematics and metaphysics. The lad's father came up to the college to see his son graduate.

"Weel, Dr. Thompson" asked the old farmer to a professor, "And what may these mathematics be for which my son has getten a prize?"

"Mathematics is to do with ...

What to hear me make a joke about the University of Connecticut?

Well… actually… I can’t. But maybe UConn.

After much deliberation, the Cambridge University Netball Team....

...decided not to abbreviate their name

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I can't believe how low the standards have gotten with porn majors at University

They're passing everyone with several D's these days.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

I got a rejection letter from the origami university today,

I’m not sure what to make of it.

Southern University Psychology Joke

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. “Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “what is the opposite of joy?” “Sadness,” said the student. “And the opposite of depression?” he ...

A snake entered an university

Students noticed the snake in the hallway. It was weird since nobody had seen him before. The security arrived and turns out the snake had entered using a fake ID. On asking whose id it was snake replied:

"hissss...."

I'm sorry if you didn't find it funny.

Damn. My wife just found out that after I got my Bachelor degree at the University of Barad-dûr, I went back and got my Masters there...

I've been found guilty of second-degree Mordor.

Why doesn't the sun go to university

Because it has 5 thousand degrees.

What's the difference between a nightclub bouncer and the University of Derby?

The University of Derby will let you in if you have a few E's.

What do you call a university class taught by a cannibal?

A Hannibal Lecture

The lone brunette in a family of blondes, Tamara, returns home from her first semester at university.

Her family was super excited to see her, especially her younger sister, Lisa. Tamara was the first person in the family to go to university and she had a million questions for her.

When they finally got some time alone, Lisa began peppering Tamara with questions.

“What was your favor...

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A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $...

American spy goes undercover to a Russian university as a student

After one semester he is expelled. His supervisor asks him what happened.

- I don’t understand! Everyone goes to the sauna, I go to the sauna too. Everyone goes drinking, I go drinking too. Everyone gets hookers, I get hookers too. Everyone passed their exams, I didn’t.

So when I was a kid, I was in the Duke TIP program for gifted children. Later on, I applied to Duke University, but was unfortunately denied...

A friend asked me if I made it into Duke, and I said "Just the TIP."

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[Classic Old Joke] The son of an Arab oil tycoon joined a university in Berlin, after a month he sent an email to his dad.

'Dear Dad,

Germany is fine and the college is great. But I feel embarrassed to drive my gold plated Lamborghini to college when most of the students and even professors arrive by train'

Few hours later, he gets an email from his dad.

'Dear son ,

I just transferred $200 mi...

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Sally and Jessica used to bond over being the only two virgins at their University...

They don’t see each other much anymore but they’re still tight.

On my first day at the university, I got invited to a party.

The Communist Party.

A guy was taking his year end final for his course in university (remember those?)

The time is up, all of the others have handed in their tests, and this one guy keeps on writing. The professor comes over to him and says "Times up! Hand in your test." He ignores this, and keeps writing.
"If you don't hand your paper over now, I'll disqualify your test," says the professor... an...

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[NSFW] What do you call a distinguished university graduate who screams in bed?

Magna Cum Loudly

At a university exchange programme, an American student met a Syrian student.

“How are the things going on in your country right now?”

“Not good. We still don’t have proper medical facilities, there are plenty of homeless people, lots of religious fanatics and mass murders keep happening everyday.”

“The things aren’t that great here as well,” replied the Syrian ...

After many thousands of hours of research, a team of scientists at Loughborough University have finally managed to pinpoint the exact time of day a woman is likely to begin an argument.

Any.

This just in, from The University of Dad Comedy...

All Dads are to now begin using Inside Jokes.

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress unifor...

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A Day at the University

I posted a joke that gained some popularity before getting deleted for breaking the rules of the community. As there are people who ask me what the joke was, I'll try to reformulate it so that it complies with the rules.

Carrynegie Melon University, Penisylvania. Prof. Mary Armstrong gives a ...

Neil DeGrasse Tyson is finally coming to give a lecture in my University.

It's about time.

A university student placed an inter-library loan request for Your Mom

The file was too large to be delivered.

The wardens at my University were always so nice.

They always leave little notes on my car complimenting me, like, "parking fine".

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pl...

What did the average University of Alabama student get on their SAT test?

Drool

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A man is walking around Harvard University,

He asked somebody " Excuse me, Can you tell me where the library is?". The student replies " Sorry here at Harvard we don't finish our sentences with prepositions". The man then said " Okay can you tell me where the library is asshole? "

I just graduated from university and I'm only 4!

But I guess it's less impressive for those of you aware of factorials.

See you in 96 years when I make my next joke!

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Sex and Golf

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to first-year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know...

Why did the neurologist go to an African animal university?

He wanted to study the hippocampus.

Jerry Falwell Jr is leaving Liberty university...

he says he wants to spend more time watching his family.

Two university students had a week of exams coming up but decided to party instead.

When they got to their exam they decided to tell the professor their car had broken down the night before due to a flat tyre and they needed a bit more time to study.

The professor told them they could have another day to study.

That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until th...

I just heard Matthew McConaughey is teaching a class at the University of Texas this fall. His lucky students are excited because he's promised to reveal all the secrets of how he made it big in the movies. Which sounds awesome, but...

I hear the class is *just* "Alright, alright, alright."

With most colleges going online now, nobody is laughing at University of Phoenix anymore

jk

All the Geology majors at my university smoke a lot weed.

I guess you could say that they're all a bunch of stoners.

My university just cancelled classes after collectiing tuition, room, and board

The bookstore said my textbook edition was already out of date

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus

when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"


The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."


T...

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In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully ...

What's the difference between a university student and a mycologist?

The mycologist actually takes notes when mold starts growing in his dirty dishes.

Why go to university and get a degree?

When I can go to a corner and get 90 degrees!

I thought of writing a letter to my Grandma to tell her that I’m quitting University to pursue a career in Magic

But and just couldn’t pick up the Penn and Teller.

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A football player at a university wanted to take an easy class

A friend told him he should take the ornithology class. "Ornithology?", he said, "What's that?"

"It's the study of birds," his friend told him, "but don't worry, the professor is 80 years old and hardly ever shows up for class. When he does show up, he falls right to sleep. All you have to do...

I was going to join the debating team at my university.

But they talked me out of it.

At the University, I used to make videos of urine at different resolutions.

I even got a pee HD.

Harvard University

I guess my dream is finally coming true. Among many people who applied for Harvard University,they chose me to be the janitor.

The college basketball team at Indiana University had just finished their worst season in school history.

The head coach, Bob, knew the team needed a different approach next year.

In the off season, Bob was driving around town when he saw a panhandler at a stoplight, and realized that this panhandler was around college age, and looked close to 7 feet tall. Bob stopped his car to talk to him and ...

A former student of a Geology professor at a major University returned one day to give the professor a gift of a unique soil sample he had collected from a river while on a trip....

To which the professor replied, "I appreciate the sediment"

I went to a Syracuse University basketball game. The president showed up.

The secret service got confused and started guarding the mascot.

A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine.

A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine. After several engagements the mathematician and his driver are having dinner and the driver says "I've heard your speech so many times I think I could give it word-for-word." The mathemati...

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One of the professors at a university is well known for his sexist comments in class.

One day, all of the women in the class gathered outside of the classroom and decided that the next time he made a sexist comment they would all walk out of the classroom.

The next day the professor was talking and made another sexist statement as expected, "You ladies will be happy to hear th...

I wasn't allowed to speak at a university conference about jump mechanics in video games..

..due to no platforming.

This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with

I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.

I told her to sleep on it.

One day, Albert Einstein was about to give a speech at a university.

"I hate these damn speeches," Albert says to his driver, who shares some similarities with him.

"Well, as your driver, I have to go to all of them. I don't know the science, but I can do the speech for you."

"Great idea!" Says Einstein."Let's switch places!" So, Albert and his driver s...

Took a class at Trump University but ...

... the textbook had four Chapter 11s.

The British at University

A famous scientist, Arnold Nijmegen, was on his way to a lecture in yet another university, this one in Aberdeen, Scotland, when his chauffeur offered an idea.
'Tell you what, sir, I've heard your speech so many times I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off.'
'Sounds great,' the N...

When I was at university I was told to write 1500 words on acid.

It all went well until the floor melted and my pen turned into a carrot

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A student is looking for a university minor...

He finds a professor of assumption...

He asks what it is all about.

The professor asks, "Do you have a dog?"

"Yes, I do"

"So I assume you have a yard for a dog?"

"Yes, in fact"

"I assume you have a house then?"

"Why yes I do!"

"Therefore I assu...

What do you say to an old professor at the University of Oklahoma?

OK sooner.

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One day in a well known university

One day in a well known university, a senior psychology professor started his class on a very serious topic. The moment he turned towards the blackboard, one of the students whistled. He turned, looked at the class and asked the whistler's name. As usual and as expected no one answered.

The p...

University Woes..

THE son of a multibillionaire mogul goes to study in Europe. One night, he phones his parents.

Dad: How’s your life going, son?

Son: It’s going well, Dad.

Dad: Is something wrong? You don’t sound happy.

Son: No, Dad, everything’s fine. Berlin is wonderful, the people ...

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