UPJOKE
studentgraduationdiplomaundergraduategraddegreeuniversityacademyhighcalibratefine-tunescholarstudycollegefaculty

Graduated Jokes

What do you call the guy who graduated last in his class in med school?

“Doctor”

What do you call doctors who graduated online?

Google Docs

Pros of my high school years: I graduated top of my class, was voted prom king, and hooked up with the hottest girl in my grade.

Cons of my high school years: my twin sister and I were homeschooled.

My friend graduated from medical school after 7 years.

He then got a job at his local clinic, but shortly got fired after that for sleeping with his patients!

He was one of the most promising veterinarians in our class

Everyone knows Harry Potter graduated from Hogwarts, but not many people know that Harry Styles failed to do so.

He was expelled after starting wand erection.

I finally graduated as an expert in female biology

I studied abroad or two

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat.

The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while taking out his water bottle from his school bag. Once he got close...

In the early 1970s, a young man graduated from Seminary and was sent to a small Southern town to be their minister.

This young man looked almost exactly like country singer Conway Twitty. After settling in at his house, he decided to introduce himself to some members of his congregation.

The first stop was an elderly couple. He knocked on the door, the woman answered and yelled "Conway Twitty! Pa, come ...

What is the smartest piece of lab equipment?

A graduated cylinder.

What did the daddy fire say to the mommy fire when their child graduated?

"That's ar-son"

What do you call a candy cane with graduated markings?

A measure-mint device.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farm boy graduated from college with a degree in journalism.

He got hired immediately and was told his first assignment was to write a human interest story. Being from the country, he decided to go back home to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way out in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and explained what he was there to ...

A dentist graduated from Hogwarts...

He’s now known as the “Wizard of Aahhhs”

There once lived a Mr. Wrong

Since he was a wee lad, Mr. Wrong had it tough. He was a bright, brilliant young boy, but to his mother he would never be enough. Worse still, she'd make all sorts of outlandish statements to rub it into him that he would never amount to anything.

Mr. Wrong was tenacious though, as he'd delib...

Two friends, George and Ted, were sitting in a bar and talking.

"I just don't know what to do about my son," George said sadly. "He graduated from high school last year, and he still hasn't enrolled in any colleges or gotten a job."

"Maybe I could help your son get a job at the local hospital," said Ted. "I work there, you know. If your son starts working...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack & Jill

Jack and Jill have grown up. They've graduated from uni, gotten married and got a job at the same firm.
One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The prob...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy graduated from college and was interviewing for a job...

The interviewer asked ...


What do you think is your worst quality?

Honesty responded the guy


Well I don’t really think that honesty is such a bad quality responded the interviewer...


Well, i don’t really give a fuck what you think

My friend recently just graduated from college with a degree in Electrical Engineering.

He applied for a job and was immediately contacted by a wealthy man who was looking for someone to help incorporate electricity onto his fence. As my friend finished his job he was about to leave when he tripped and landed right onto the fence. I don't even know if he's even alive or if he still has...

When I graduated high school, my parents enrolled me in medical research

It was a 4-year study of sleep deprivation and alcohol consumption.

Sure, they called it "college", but I knew otherwise.

What do you call a column with a degree?

A graduated cylinder

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl recently graduated prostitution college with the highest honours.

She was awarded her degree cum louder.

What would you call a graduated penny?

Pennywise.

What unit does a graduated cylinder measure in?

Degrees.

A friend of mine graduated from law school but became and alcoholic and never got to be a lawyer...

...he just couldn't pass the bar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbor has a son who is a genius. The kid graduated high school at age 13, graduated college magna cum laude at age 15, and graduated from one of the top law schools at age 17. He was admitted to the bar one month later. So, I asked my neighbor what his son's secret was.

He said that his son showed the bouncer his older brother's drivers license.

I just graduated from university and I'm only 4!

But I guess it's less impressive for those of you aware of factorials.

See you in 96 years when I make my next joke!

My sister graduated med school and is growing antsy at her minimal workload

She just needs to have patients.

When I told my family I graduated from clown college…

… they all laughed at me.

What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?

"You may have graduated, but I've got hundreds of degrees"

I graduated in Egyptian art

But when I tried to get a job things went sideways

Proud University Graduates

Two young men who had just graduated from university climbed into a taxi wearing

their graduation gowns.

Cab Driver : “Are you graduates from the city university?”

Young Graduates: “Yes, sir,” they announced proudly. “Class of 2021.”

Cab Driver : ...

My dad told me he worked 3 jobs, had 2 girlfriends, graduated top of his class when he was 21 years old

Nothing is impossible if you can lie

Father Thomas, having just graduated from seminary school in Kansas, was assigned to St. Patrick’s Cathedral in NYC.

When he arrived, he was greeted by the Mother Superior, who told him that Reverend O'Donnell was out, and suggested that Thomas take a walk around NYC to see the sights.

As he’s walking down the street, a scantily-clad young woman walks up to him and says, “$25 for a quickie, Father”. Being ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a wealthy Jew who owned a nail company. His only son had just graduated from college and the father wanted to get him involved in the company.

He initially farmed the young man out to each of the departments; first research & development, then manufacturing, then sales, and in each the son was a dismal failure. Determined to find a place for his offspring, the father decided that his son needed his own project.

So the father pla...

Did you hear about the circle that graduated college

Apparently it got three-hundred and sixty degrees

A girl looking for a job

A girl graduated from an engineering university and was looking for a job, but she did not find any opportunity, but one time she met a person, a zoo manager , and he offered her a job with a very good salary, and the job is to dress up as a zebra and stay in the cage for visitors see it because the...

I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in graphic design

I have over 300 confirmed designs and don't have a single job...

My 87 year old, retired navy grandpa told this joke at family dinner after I graduated physician assistant school: "Well did they teach you how to make a hormone?"

Step on her toe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the kid graduated from high school...

his father told him he was going to be a paratrooper.
"Dad", he said, "I don't want to jump out of airplanes."
"Rubbish", his dad said, "I was a paratrooper. My father, your grandfather, was a paratrooper. And you'll be a paratrooper. Don't worry, they'll teach you all you need to know."
S...

One night, three women go out to celebrate their college graduation.

They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.

She says, “I just gradu...

A granpda asks his just graduated grandchild

Grandpa: So what will you do for a living now that you earned your bachelor's degree?

Grandchild: I'm a model during the week, I'm a DJ in the weekends and an influencer by contract

Grandpa: I remember when I just graduated I was also unemployed son, be patient

Murphy's Pub

**Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy's Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”**

**The other bloke responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”**

**The first one says, “So am I!...

My wife graduated first in her class at culinary school

She graduated Summa Con Queso.

I would have graduated from Ninja School

But nobody knew I was in the class

A dolphin graduated from college with a philosophy major.

He thought, "what's my porpoise now?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the Dick that graduated from Law School?

He was appointed first attorney genital.

A woman goes to a new dentist for the first time.

When she sees his name on the diploma, she thinks she must've gone to high school with this guy. Then she sees him and thinks it couldn't possibly be the same guy. This overweight, balding guy with wrinkles on his face and tobacco stains down the front of his shirt. But she sits in the big chair and...

An Irish fellow in New York turns to the gentleman next to him....

“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?”

“I’m from Ireland.”

“No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?”

“Grew up in Wexford.”

“Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!”

“Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary scho...

My sister graduated from college over a year ago and is still unemployed...

I found her sobbing on the couch so I asked, "having an existential cry, sis?"

My friend just graduated from her ballet course in university.

She got a (2:2)

When I graduated high school I wanted to buy a motorcycle..

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had an uncle who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle. - Anthony Jeselnik

What do you call a graduated spider?

A Web Designer

How do you know if somebody graduated from Harvard?

They'll tell you.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.