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Wrote Jokes

My 8-year-old wrote a dinosaur joke

What do you get when you cross a T-Rex and a human?

A T-Rex

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My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

My girlfriend insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know

I Dyed A Bit When I Wrote This

Many years ago, I came home from work one day and noticed my fiance had dyed her hair.

“Purple, really?”

“Fushia”

“What’s the difference?”

“Fuschia is purple with some red and pink in it., It’s not really purple.”

I gave her a hard time for a long time, until she g...

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This is a joke I wrote myself. It’s long, but I think it’s pretty good, personally…

This is a story about three friends who had known each other their whole lives.

They did everything together. You could not find one without the other two nearby. But, as so often happens, after graduation, they all went their separate ways. One of the friends went on to become a very success...

Wrote my second joke ever, would like some feedback

Three lumberjacks; Sam, Dave, and Ben; are felling trees when a bear approaches them. Sam says "stay back or we'll kill you with our axes!" The bear responds, "woah! I'm a proud vegetarian. I just wanted to offer you all a nicely cooked dinner since you've all been working so hard and are probably h...

This is the first joke I wrote by myself, feedback appreciated

A man came back home to his wife after a long business journey. After a happy reunion, their parrot suddenly started talking out of nowhere.

"Yes, put it in that hole!" it squawked loudly with a female voice.

"What the hell?" said the man. "Where did the parrot learn that?"

"No,...

(A joke I wrote myself) A Russian man walks through the streets of Moscow.

As he passes by the headquarters of a major company, he notices a poor man in decrepit clothes standing by the building, seemingly waiting for something, looking at the sky. "Another poor crazy weirdo", he thinks. He keeps on walking.

The next day, he passes near another company's HQ, and see...

My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek!

(Please don’t kick us out, just lettuce leave)

I wrote a haiku about admins and mods

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An Arab student studying in Germany wrote a letter to his dad

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to hi...

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I wrote a novel about an old man who grows younger every time he masturbates.

It's a coming of age story.

I wrote a book about falling down the stairs

It’s a step-by-step guide

My wife woke up just now. She is dreaming and muttering about how she wrote the Lord of The Rings trilogy.

She’s Tolkien in her sleep.

One guy wrote on his FB status:

"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."

400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:

"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, and my roommate used it to roll his joint.

He is now high on my list of people I never wanna see again.

My mom wrote this joke: What's the difference between a sweet potato fresh out of the oven and a pig thrown off a balcony?

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham

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How can I improve this joke I wrote?

A man one day hears a buzzing noise from the spare bedroom in his house and when he goes to open the door it's locked. His wife walks out 15 minutes later looking very relaxed and he asks her what that noise was.

She tells him its the new vibrator she bought and its amazing! The next day the ...

An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.

Love,...

I wrote an essay on communism

Teacher gave me good Marx.

Today I wrote my first fully original joke. It's bad.

So there was once this one giant who had magic powers. So the giant being so tall and heavy was afraid of storing things on the floor because he would sometimes step on them and break them without realizing it.

After enough times of that happening he decided he would use his magic to just ma...

I wrote a guide about dating guys with small d!cks.

It's called "He's not that into you."

The man who wrote the hokey pokey died last week.

The most traumatic part for the family was getting him into the coffin. They put his right leg in, and then the trouble started.

Someone wrote "ngba" on my car.

I thought that's bang out of order.

A surprisingly good/funny knock knock joke I wrote yesterday.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Beware, the owl people are infiltrating our town!

Beware, the owl people are infiltrating our town, Whooo

Oh no im too late!

Don't give me excuses, I wrote the book on excuses!

Well, I started to, I mean, Its hard, and I got a lot to do...

Beethoven wrote a manga

Deaf note

I wrote a poem.

I dig.

You dig.

She digs.

He digs.

They dig.

We dig.


Now I know it's not a very good poem, but it's pretty deep.

Just wrote this one about my esteemed profession. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the aforementioned task in a timely and efficient manner within the structure in which said bulb is housed and being dependent on the following variables:

Whereas it should be taken in to account that ceiling heights may differ significantly f...

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

I wrote a book on penguins...

In hindsight, I realize that paper would have been much easier...

I wrote a quick preparation recipes book called "wait less meals."

You add two scoops of ice cream and a coke to every meal and it's afloat!

TGIF....Wrote that on my shoes.

Toes Go In First

One Christmas, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus saying, “Please send me a sister.”

Santa Claus wrote him back, “OK, please send me your mother.”

If a vegetable wrote an erotic asphyxiation help guide, what would it be titled?

Idk if this joke works. I’m workshopping it

If a vegetable wrote an erotic asphyxiation help guide, what would it be titled?

“Art of choke me”

I wrote a song about a sandwich

Well it’s more of a wrap really

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I wrote a joke about hymens.

But it’s fucking tearable.

The man who wrote “the hokie pokie” died recently

They had a real hard time trying to fit him into the coffin though.

It all started when they put his right leg in..

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

Did you hear about the writer who wrote too many books?

They got author-itis.

After I broke my elbow, my buddy wrote all my homework assignments on my cast.

It really classed up the joint.

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Did you hear about the guy who wrote his will on his cock?

It wouldn’t stand up in court.

A guy wrote ten puns hoping one would win the pun contest,

No pun in ten did.

When I was in high school I wrote a love letter to my teacher, and she shot me down.

But she also corrected the spelling and wrote “See me” in red marker at the bottom. Very mixed signals.

I wrote a song about squeezing a bar of soap in the shower.

It's dropping soon.

I wrote a book and titled it "Julius, quick grab the girl before she gets away"

My editor decided to shorten it to "Julius Seize her!"

I recently wrote a sitcom about airplanes.

It never took off.
The pilot was terrible.

I wrote a nine-paragraph joke...

I thought it might be long here.

I wrote a book on reverse psychology.

Please, don’t buy it.

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Here's a joke I wrote... maybe it's dumb, but really fun to tell.

So, I went to the Home Depot today and stumbled upon this new device used in the emergency room to re-attach a man's private parts after an accident. And guess what? It's nothing but a staple gun! But, sometimes, they mess up and attach it to the wrong person, and I heard they had to invent ANOTHER ...

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Wrote it me self

11 survivalists plan their escape and meet at 5 am in the forest. Ten men show off all the bounty, guns, food, water, batteries, everything you could need. A woman shows up late with a tiny rucksack. The men say, look at everything we brought, what the hell did you bring?

She answers: A vagi...

I Wrote a Haiku

I wrote a Haiku

It was very hard to make

Now I hate haikus

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation,

"I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well-behaved.

Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, that said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. ...

I recently wrote a book about poltergeists

I'm pleased to say it's really been flying off the shelves.

My 6-year-old wrote a timely coronavirus joke

What did the coronavirus say to the broccoli?


"Let's be friends", because we're both bad things.

A letter an 83-year-old lady wrote to her grandson.

My dear grandson,



Some days ago, I experienced something wonderful, which I want to share with you.

I went to a religious shop and found a car sticker saying: "Honk if you love God!"

I decided to buy it and stick it on the bumper of my car.

When I went away, I was...

I just wrote a song about a sausage that I like to serve with mashed potatoes.

It's a banger.

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A limerick about vaginas I wrote five years ago

There once was a gal from Cancun,

Who had a most curious poon.

T'was coarse like a thistle,

But tight as a whistle,

And whilst cumming, could play you a tune.

I wrote a joke about abortion...

But i decided not to keep it

I wrote this little ditty just seconds after waking up.

An auto worker storms into his union leader's office. "I have a really pesky booger in my nostril, and management won't get us anymore tissue boxes!!" he shouts.

The union manager calmly responds: "Maybe you should picket."

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard:

*"Woman without her man is nothing."* The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The men wrote: *"Woman, without her man, is nothing."*

The women wrote: *"Woman! Without her, man is nothing."*

Fyodor Dostoyevsky wrote “Beauty Will Save the World”...

So I'm just gonna relax because this obviously doesn't concern me.

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TIL, in the original draft of Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King, JRR Tolkien wrote that Bilbo Baggins died while having sex with a dwarf prostitute…

Apparently old hobbits die hard.

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My first NSFW joke that I proudly wrote when I was 9 years old: What's the difference between tennis and badminton?

A: One you play with your balls, one you play with your cock.

I wrote a theatre production based on my vocabulary.

It was a play on words.

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I see the NSFW joke you wrote when you were 9, and raise you the NSFW joke I wrote when I was 11

Parallel lines are like asexual couples, they’re very close but they never touch

Wrote my 2022 New Years Day Goals

My top goal this year. Stay negative everyday.

If I don't, 5-10 day isolation for being positive.

It's kinda harsh but it will be very contagious and catchy.

You might say, It'll go viral.

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Ray Bradbury wrote a book about Mitch McConnell having sex...

"Something Wicked This Way Comes".

For a surprise proposal, I wrote “Will you marry me?” on a balloon and handed it to my girlfriend.

Unfortunately she…popped the question.

The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain’t had no fun all summer.”

“Now Paul,” she began, “what shall I do to correct this?”

“Get a boyfriend?” Paul replied.

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If Dr. Seuss wrote instruction manuals.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-...

I dreamt that I wrote the Hobbit the other day

Turns out I was just Tolkien in my sleep

I wrote an essay about American Patriotism

Then I pointed at it and started shouting ' You Essay! You Essay!'

A writer was prosecuted for a short story he wrote

They gave him a long sentence.

I wrote my first erotic novel

The characters were a bit disjointed but they all came together in the end

I wrote a bot script to get past website security

So far its managed to evade captcha

Recently I wrote ‘blender’ with the wrong vowel

It was a blunder

I wrote a poem about communism for my English class

I had to share it with everyone

My girlfriend wanted to visit another country, so I wrote an algorithm that crawls all the travel sites online...

She wanted to go to either Canada or Iran.

Canada, Canada's pretty close, I just ran Canada in about 2 minutes; I found a way that fit our budget.

And Iran, Iran's so far away, I just ran Iran all night and day; I couldn't get a way.

I wrote a book titled ‘Do Not Touch’.

Sales have done very well, except for the Braille prints.

I wrote this joke about a joke shop

A man sees a Joke Shop. He goes in.

There are three lines.

He joins one and slowly moves up the queue.

He sees all three lines head towards a big sign that says: "The End of the Joke"

He sees the guy at the end of the first line get given a tonne of cash and he runs out l...

I wrote this joke, tell me what you think.

A vulture was boarding an airplane but was stopped at the gate and told he couldn't board. They said his carrion was too large.

I wrote this, does it need work?

Next door's parrot was so good at doing impressions, it even *tasted* like chicken.

I wrote a manifesto for my political party but I think it was too long so I wrote a shorter one...

It’s a minifesto

One time, I wrote down so many double entendres...

...I had to rub one out.

My cop friend kept demanding that I praise him for the apparently excellent ticket that he just wrote until I eventually gave in and said,

"Fine, fine fine."

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I wrote this one a few years ago

A priest, Father John Mclanahan is walking down the street when he bumps into an old friend, Rabbi John Goldman. They haven’t seen each other since college. They happen to be heading to the same part of town, so they decide to walk together and catch up on old times. They reminisce about their frien...

A dishonest college graduate wrote “PhD” on his transcript

I guess you could say he doctored it

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So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package...

...But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.

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Just wrote this poem

Everyone gather together

Put aside what you are doing

See this lyric, feel the weather

Take a second for the viewing.

Everyone gather together

In this house we all are one.

No discrimination, son.

Did I say a house we're in?

It's a prostitution...

Just wrote this

How does Sherlock Holmes find out what TV shows are on?

He just asks Watson.

(Works better out loud)

Good news, I'm finally going to get something I wrote produced for the stage.

I've lined up some great people to perform in it. The producer read the script, titled "I Pun, Therefore I Am,” and asked me if it was a musical.

Sadly, I told him no. It's just a play on words.

I wrote down what I thought about mongolian poetry

It has its prose and its Khans

I wrote a terrible joke about deaf people.

I’m just glad they’ll never hear it.

I wrote to my North Korean penpal asking how things were in his country

He wrote back "I can't complain"

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult i...

Did you hear Gordon Ramsay wrote a book about herbs?

It’s about thyme!

A pastor was on his way home from an oil change. On the way, he decided to stop at a church member's house.

After ringing the doorbell the pastor was sure that he saw movement inside the house. He rung the doorbell again, and the pastor noticed someone moving quickly from one room to another. The pastor whipped out a "Several Steps to Becoming a Christian" pamphlet, and quickly scrawled on it 'Revelation ...

Wrote a free file compression program.

I made zip.

David Benioff and Dan Weiss wrote this joke for the loyal viewers of the Game of Thrones series

Season 8

My friend wrote his dissertation on nerds who love palindromes

He is now Dr. Awkward.

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I wrote a book on basements . . .

It's on the Best Cellars list

I wrote a computer program to draw pictures of flowers

But now it's just drawing the same flower over and over and over and over...

It must be a lupin.

A limerick i wrote

One day i was feeling quite randy,

So i went for the thing i had handy.

The thing was, though, man,

A windowless van

That said "come N heer 4 free candy."

I wrote the most disgusting joke ever.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Why don't mother vampires nurse their infants?

Because they only bleed once a month.

Did you hear about the murderer who wrote a really short autobiography in prison?

It was a life sentence

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I wrote a joke. Let me know what you think.

Life hack. I moved my fitness watch to my masterbation hand and now my watch thinks I run a four minute mile every night after my wife falls asleep. I’ll show myself out.

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a good one from my dad

A guitar player walks into a bar trying to score a gig.
He meets with the bar owner for his audition, and proceeds to play a beautiful melodic song.

"Wow!" Said the owner, "that was amazing! Whats it called?"

"Its called 'You're slapping my wifes titties with a belt'" replies the gu...

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Someone wrote a book on clock fetishes.

It's about fucking time.

Joke I wrote on a boat at age 6:

What do you tell a police officer when they get on your boat?
Police put on your life-vest!

Kim Jong-Un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of...

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