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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,


I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.


Love Dad.
\~\~\...

Wrote a letter today.

Might move on to numbers tomorrow.

I wrote the names of everyone I have unfriended onto a piece of paper, but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.

I wrote a song about a tortilla.

Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.

The man who wrote “the hokie pokie” died recently

They had a real hard time trying to fit him into the coffin though.

It all started when they put his right leg in..

My date accused me of lying on my Tinder profile, but what I wrote was absolutely true.

I DO have the body of an Olympic athlete. It's buried in the backyard.

A letter an 83-year-old lady wrote to her grandson.

My dear grandson,



Some days ago, I experienced something wonderful, which I want to share with you.

I went to a religious shop and found a car sticker saying: "Honk if you love God!"

I decided to buy it and stick it on the bumper of my car.

When I went away, I was...

Did you hear that Crash Test Dummies wrote a musical based on The Human Centipede?

It’s called "Mmf Hff Fm Hhmff Fhuhr Hmfhmf."

Today I wrote my first fully original joke. It's bad.

So there was once this one giant who had magic powers. So the giant being so tall and heavy was afraid of storing things on the floor because he would sometimes step on them and break them without realizing it.

After enough times of that happening he decided he would use his magic to just ma...

A dishonest college graduate wrote “PhD” on his transcript

I guess you could say he doctored it

Did you hear about the murderer who wrote a really short autobiography in prison?

It was a life sentence

A writer was prosecuted for a short story he wrote

They gave him a long sentence.

I wrote a Bill Cosby joke

But I never wanted it to get released.

My wife woke up just now. She is dreaming and muttering about how she wrote the Lord of The Rings trilogy.

She’s Tolkien in her sleep.

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My first NSFW joke that I proudly wrote when I was 9 years old: What's the difference between tennis and badminton?

A: One you play with your balls, one you play with your cock.

I wrote a book titled ‘Do Not Touch’.

Sales have done very well, except for the Braille prints.

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My doctor wrote a prescription for daily sex

But my gf says it's dyslexia

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My new book I wrote about improving your basement just sold its millionth copy.

Its Officially A Best Cellar.

My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek!

(Please don’t kick us out, just lettuce leave)

I wrote a computer program to draw pictures of flowers

But now it's just drawing the same flower over and over and over and over...

It must be a lupin.

I recently wrote a sitcom about airplanes.

It never took off.
The pilot was terrible.

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

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As I left the store, I noticed the Traffic Warden writing a ticket...

"Oi," I said, "you can't do that!"
"Yes, I can. Its my job," He replied, as he tore the ticket off and placed it on the windshield.

"Oh, fuck you," I said.
The warden raised an eyebrow and then wrote another ticket and slapped it on top of the other one.

"What's that one for?"...

My friend wrote his dissertation on nerds who love palindromes

He is now Dr. Awkward.

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I see the NSFW joke you wrote when you were 9, and raise you the NSFW joke I wrote when I was 11

Parallel lines are like asexual couples, they’re very close but they never touch

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.
After several weeks of fuming at his chickens for making scratches and small dents in the hood of his car he decided to find a solution.
Coincidentally a salesperson came by his house and offered a s...

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Turn around (Found my 18 year old diary. This is what I wrote in it)

What do you get when you turn wolf around?

Flow.

What do you get when you turn star around?

Rats.

What do you get when you turn shit around?

Dirty hands.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate. During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there's more between him and his roommate.

Reading his mom's thought, his son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roo...

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

I wrote relationship advice for my future self couple years ago, since single people give the best advice.

I still give great advice.

I wrote this joke about a joke shop

A man sees a Joke Shop. He goes in.

There are three lines.

He joins one and slowly moves up the queue.

He sees all three lines head towards a big sign that says: "The End of the Joke"

He sees the guy at the end of the first line get given a tonne of cash and he runs out l...

Did you hear Gordon Ramsay wrote a book about herbs?

It’s about thyme!

I wrote down what I thought about mongolian poetry

It has its prose and its Khans

I wrote a poem about Saturn...

it's not very good, but it does have a ring to it.

Don't give me excuses, I wrote the book on excuses!

Well, I started to, I mean, Its hard, and I got a lot to do...

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Did you hear about the medical student who wrote a porn novel?

It's called 50 Shades of Grey's Anatomy.

Kim Jong-Un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of...

I wrote a song about "sitting on the toilet for a pee, but while I'm here, I might as well have a poo"

It got to number two.

Most people associate Frankie Valli with the Four Seasons, but how many of you are familiar with the song he wrote about the native corn of the Southeast United States?

It was called "Maize of Georgia," and it's a hit.

A man sent love letters to his crush for years, and even one day wrote, that he was going to be visiting her house, when he showed up, she asked “who are you”

The man should have considered that he was a doctor and all she knew was his handwriting

A man who had worked for British Rail in a small village for many years decided it was time to move up in the world... [long]

Walter had been a track-switcher on the railway line that ran past his tiny English village for most of his life. All day long he sat in his little hut and switched the points as trains approached.

One day he got it into his head that it was time to move up in the world, so he wrote to Britis...

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I wrote a joke. Let me know what you think.

Life hack. I moved my fitness watch to my masterbation hand and now my watch thinks I run a four minute mile every night after my wife falls asleep. I’ll show myself out.

Joke I wrote on a boat at age 6:

What do you tell a police officer when they get on your boat?
Police put on your life-vest!

I wrote my first erotic novel

The characters were a bit disjointed but they all came together in the end

The convicted Australian criminal Mark "Chopper" Reid, who had his ears cut off in prison, wrote a book called No Tears for a Tough Guy.

Maybe it should've been called No Ears for a Tough Guy.

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I wrote this one a few years ago

A priest, Father John Mclanahan is walking down the street when he bumps into an old friend, Rabbi John Goldman. They haven’t seen each other since college. They happen to be heading to the same part of town, so they decide to walk together and catch up on old times. They reminisce about their frien...

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Billy was the first person in his small town to go to college.

After he’d been there a few weeks, he lost all his money at a fraternity card game. He thought about his options and had an idea.

His father had just written him to ask how things were going. Billy wrote back and said, “Dad, you won’t BELIEVE what they can do at this school! They can teach...

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: ”I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years.”“In all that tim...

I went to join a health club today and saw a sign on its door that said ‘Look better in 10 days or your money back.’ I then wrote out a check and handed it over to the girl at the front desk.

The girl looked at me and said, “Keep it. We’re gonna mail it back to you anyways.”

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My wife is a sex object.

Every time I ask for sex she objects.





Merit goes to u/Make_the_music_stop who wrote this one in the comments to another joke and made me laught reallly hard

I wrote a reference letter while high on cannabis

I highly recommended him.

My sick friend wrote to me about water scarcity in his village.

I sent him a get well soon card.

Guy and his comforter.

A newly married guy from a village went back to the city for his job. He went alone so that he could make living arrangements for him and his wife and then he'd take his wife as well. Once he got a decent apartment, he wrote a letter to his father in the village saying that father, please send my wi...

Is Hell endothermic or exothermic?

The e-mail was on the weighty matter of the nature of hell, as allegedly posed by a Dr Robert Shambaugh of the University of Oklahoma school of chemical engineering. It purports to be a final exam question from May 1997.

His May 1997 question for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class ...

A general noticed that one of his soldiers was behaving oddly since some days.

The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say,

"That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge...

I Wrote a Haiku

I wrote a Haiku

It was very hard to make

Now I hate haikus

I dreamt that I wrote the Hobbit the other day

Turns out I was just Tolkien in my sleep

I wrote this joke, tell me what you think.

A vulture was boarding an airplane but was stopped at the gate and told he couldn't board. They said his carrion was too large.

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face...

I wrote a book on Reverse Psychology.

Don't buy it!

Dog sends a Telegram

A German Shepherd went to the telegram office, took out a blank form, and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."

"But," the dog ...

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A farmer was out by his barn, repairing a fence.

A young hen came near him, pecking at the ground. He was surprised when he thought he heard a “psst”. The farm looked around and saw no one, so he continued his work.

Then he heard it, clear as day. “Hey. Down here.”

The farmer looked down and saw the hen looking at him.

“Did y...

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an actual oc joke i wrote out like a week ago

One day, a father is enjoying a walk alone, getting his sweet fresh air away from the nagging children and wife. However, enjoying the walk too much, he shuts his eyes. Turning a corner is a very wealthy man in a hurry, who ends up bumping into the father.

Both get up, and the father speaks u...

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If Charles Dickens wrote The Lord of the Rings, how would the novel have started?

It was the best of Shires. It was the Worcestershires.

The medium is the massage...

Last year, I wrote a book on penguins. In retrospect, paper would have been much easier.

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This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters. The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes o...

Dickens: I wrote a book about ghosts

**Publisher:** we need a christmas book

**Dickens:** *[adding, like, 4 words]* I wrote a book about christmas ghosts

I wrote a terrible joke about deaf people.

I’m just glad they’ll never hear it.

Wrote a free file compression program.

I made zip.

My son wrote a short fairy tale about a prince who became a princess

He named it Once Upon a Wiener

(True story)

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My son, 9 years old told me these jokes on different days and I wrote them all down as he told them.

What did the the dancer say when he found proof:

he found evi-dance

What did the lazy person buy at the store?

A Nap-kin

What is a goldfishes favorite story?

Goldilocks

What did the musician say when he was safe?

I’m safe and SOUND.

What do bu...

i wrote this as a kid: Why did Jesus have low self esteem

He was Jewish. He didn’t believe in himself.

A girl wrote ‘will you marry me?’ on a balloon

and her boyfriend immediately popped the question

A girl didn't believe I knew how to say yes in Spanish so I wrote it down for her.

I said "see"

My 6-year-old wrote a timely coronavirus joke

What did the coronavirus say to the broccoli?


"Let's be friends", because we're both bad things.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

My psychiatrist wrote on my evaluation form that I have ocd.

I had to correct it to OCD.

I once wrote a very creative and detailed suicide note....

Now I've got a #1 country music song in the U.S.

I asked 𝘎𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘪 why he wrote his name all slanted

He told me he was italian

I wrote a script about the dictionary for my local theatre

It's a play on words.

My brother thinks I don't give him enough privacy.

That's what he wrote about me in his diary.

This is for the guy who finally wrote a book about clocks.

Its about time.

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I wrote a joke about homosexuals.

But I think I left it in the closet.

To sum up healthcare in America

An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make it. She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500."

He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born on the front lawn.

A week pas...

An Arab student studying in Germany wrote a letter to his dad

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to hi...

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I wrote this joke about collectors. tell me what you think.

Q. What do you call someone who collects stamps?

A. A philatelist.

Q. What do you call someone who collects coins?

A. A numismatist.

Q. What do you call someone who collects both?

A. A fucking nerd.

A hospitalized man falls in love with his nurse...

A man was hospitalized for 3 weeks. During this time he fell in love with the young pretty nurse. He wrote her a note, "You have stolen my heart".

The young nurse in panic responded, "No sir, we have stolen your kidney, haven't touched your heart."

and oldie but a goodie

back in ancient china, before the populations number a million, a monk lived near his friend, who was on the other side of the river. he wrote a long poem, full of phrases like "the seven winds could not move me" and was very proud of it. he sent it to his friend via dove.

when his friend sen...

Bored at work so I wrote my first joke. It’s extremely dumb but maybe it’ll make someone laugh.

An extremely wealthy family owned countless successful companies, bought out competitors and even purchased new ventures if they looked promising enough. Nothing was too big or small, and nothing was off limits.

The family consisted of a mother (Linda), father (Robert) and 3 sons (Robert Jr.,...

I wrote a manifesto for my political party but I think it was too long so I wrote a shorter one...

It’s a minifesto

My son wrote to Santa Claus asking him for his divorced parents to be reunited

What a terrible way to find out Santa isn't real

Recently I wrote ‘blender’ with the wrong vowel

It was a blunder

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I wrote a novel about a man who grows younger every time he masturbates.

It's a coming of age story.

I wrote to my North Korean penpal asking how things were in his country

He wrote back "I can't complain"

One guy wrote on his FB status:

"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."

400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:

"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"

My chemistry teacher wrote me a heartfelt chemistry poem:

Fluorine, Uranium, Carbon, Potassium, Yttrium, Oxygen, Uranium.

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Stumbling across some lines of code you wrote in your last job, is like running into your ex

They still look good, although not perfect and showing some signs of age.

You remember the good and bad times you spent with them.

You recollect all the little mistakes you made, and wonder whether you could've done something differently.

You've learned a lot, and hope to use th...

Wrote a joke about a lizard to get some internet points.

A Karma Chameleon.

I just found out the man who wrote the song The Hokey Pokey passed away

When they put him in his coffin, they put the left leg in, they took the left leg out...

I wrote an apology to my friend in dots and dashes

I called it a re-morse code

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A limerick about vaginas I wrote five years ago

There once was a gal from Cancun,

Who had a most curious poon.

T'was coarse like a thistle,

But tight as a whistle,

And whilst cumming, could play you a tune.

My bud Erik introduced me to his beautiful Indian friend, Monica. Being a nerd all my life, I thought I'd impress her with my typing speed. I wrote 70 words in a minute, and she was still unimpressed

Erik told me it was not her type

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A comedian wrote down some jokes about masturbation.

He thought they would come in handy.

If you think you wrote a great letter, add a footnote at the end which explains Ohm’s Law.

Then it’ll be your P.S. de resistance.

Being in quarantine I’ve gotten bored and wrote a song on cats.

The third verse ran away, I guess next time I’ll use paper.

I wrote a movie about a male sheep and his son enjoying a Hostess pastry.

I call it

*Ram, a Lamb, a Ding Dong*

What famous humanoid robot wrote Phantom of the Opera?

Android Lloyd Webber

The ad in the paper said, "You think you're funny? Tell us your best pun, and you'll win a $200 Amazon gift card!"

Well, I just couldn't resist. I sat down and wrote not one, but 10 of my best knee-slappers, rib-ticklers, and witty turns-of-phrase. I sent my list of comedy gold to the paper, and then began daydreaming about what I would do with $200.

The day on which the paper announced the contest winner...

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

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