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Drawn Jokes

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What's worse than waking up with a dick drawn on your face?

Someone telling you it was traced on.
[edits up: guys i gotta say something - HOLY SHIT MY PHONE EXPLODED FROM REPLIES]
[edits up again: have the credits
https://youtube.com/shorts/hSK1Vyoimps?feature=share this joke was too funny not to tell]

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What's worse than waking up with a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced

I had to get my blood drawn at the doctors office the other day

And the nurse didn’t even bring her colored pencils.

I told this girl I was seeing she had drawn her eyebrows on too high

She looked very surprised

I've seen similarities drawn between the founder of OceanGate and John Hammond, but there is one huge difference.

Hammond spared no expense.

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

I got my blood drawn

To see what type I was. Unfortunately, the doctor made a Type-O.

A lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery

He asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”

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An amish girl and her mom are riding home in a horse drawn carriage

Daughter: "Mom, my hands are so cold."

Mother: "Stick your hands between your legs and your body heat will keep them warm."

So the daughter does this and she is amazed how warm her hands got. So the next night she is with her boyfriend running errands:

Boyfriend: "Wow, it is col...

Yesterday I saw a horse-drawn carriage

The proportions were a bit off but the shading and linework were quite remarkable.

Boris Johnson and the Queen are riding in the horse-drawn Royal carriage along the Royal Mile...

Suddenly, the horse lets out a long, godalmighty fart, the kind that sounds like it could strip paint.

The Queen, embarrassed, leans to Boris and says "I'm sorry about that".

And Boris replies "That's quite alright, ma'am, I thought it was the horse."

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.

Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He’s sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.

Einstein says “Newton, you’re terrible, I’ve f...

Why do you need a driver's license to get your blood drawn?

Because its called a blood drive.

Why are lines being drawn incredibly good in North Korea?

Because they have a Supreme Ruler

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There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, say...

What's a badly drawn equiangular quadrilateral called?

A rektangle.

My wife and I had a horse-drawn wedding.

We should have just hired a photographer.

An Amish farmer and his son were driving their horse-drawn buggy down a road where there was no room to turn around in either direction for two miles.

Suddenly, a man coming the other way in an expensive sports car screeches to a stop in front of them, then begins honking his horn.

The farmer pulls the buggy to a stop, rises from his seat, and rolls up his sleeves. "If you do not back up, I will not like what I have to do," he loudly says....

Looking Good

My face in the mirror isn’t wrinkled or drawn.

My house isn’t dirty. The cobwebs are gone.

My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn.

I think I might never put my glasses back on.







Edit: Wow, Thank you for the upvotes and also thanks for the award...

I was shocked when I came home and saw that the curtains were drawn.

Luckily the rest of the furniture was real.

No wonder Elon Musk's scandals are so drawn out

It's not called elongate for nothing.

My friend challenged me to finish his bird drawing. He had already drawn the head, torso and legs.

To be honest, I just winged it.

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When they said I was gonna be hung, drawn and quartered...

I've gotta admit, I didn't expect a penis enlarger, a professional sketch and my own room on a ship.

What do you call a comic drawn with only a pencil?

A graphite novel

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A police officer pulls over an Amish couple in a horse-drawn buggy.

The husband sticks his hand out and says "Hi officer, is there a problem?"

The police officer says, "Sir, are you aware that you have a rope tied around your horse's dick and sack?"

Confused, the Amish man says "The wife and I will take care of it as soon as we get home."

Aft...

If I ever got a horse drawn carriage, I'd name the horse Reo.

It'd be my REO Steed Wagon.

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The Italian math challenge

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'...

Ear to the ground

The older cowboy turns to the younger one and says, "You see that? Just by putting his ear to the ground, he can hear what's coming from miles off."

The Indian lifts his head and says, "A full wagon, drawn by a single horse, two passengers and a dog."

The Indian puts his head back down...

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What do you call Jude Law with a penis drawn on his chin?

Lewd Jaw

A Husband and Wife are in church listening to a very long and drawn out sermon

After quite a bit of time, the wife gets tired and dozes off. The husband notices this and goes to poke her with his finger to wake her up. At the same time, the priest asks a question to the audience.

"Who freed the slaves from Egypt?"

"GOD" Exclaimed the wife to the husband, very ir...

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How to get out of a speeding ticket...

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer...

Why are horse-drawn carriages so unpopular?

'Cause horses are rubbish at drawing

Why can't schools in Afghanistan teach kids to count by drawn lines?

Because of the tally ban

Who never wants to be drawn at a raffle?

Mohammed

When people ask me where I got my well drawn tattoo, their always suprised when I say i got it in Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

A newly wed couple were riding a horse drawn buggy home....

After a few miles the horse stopped in the middle of the road and the husband gave the horse a light pop with the whip. The horse kicked and bucked. The man quietly murmured "That's strike one.". A few minutes later the horse stopped again and after a light tap on his hind quarters bucked even more ...

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I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.

Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.

The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love.
...

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What do you do when you see a penis drawn on the wall?

You rub it off.

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A teacher finds his students have drawn penises on the whiteboard, so he rubs them all off.

He is now a registered sex offender.

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[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

What happened to the fraction when it was convicted?

It was drawn and quartered.

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Watched a cooking show the other day and the dessert they served was quite unsettling. It consisted of a female prostitute that had been hung, drawn and quartered...

They called it a Deconstructed Tart.

Beware of certain doctors

I went to the doctor to have blood drawn and he bit my neck and now I am very sensitive to daylight and I have suddenly become very thirsty at night.

Whatever you do, avoid Dr. Acula!

A blonde and brunette were in a local Walmart

A blonde and brunette were in a local Walmart when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
The brunette won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and ...

The new image shows the black hole having bright ring formed as photons from light gets drawn in the intense gravity around a black hole that is 6.5 billion times more massive than the Sun…

..but it still doesn't suck more than your Mom.

How were the coin-collecting artist's victims murdered?

They were drawn and quartered!

A pig walked into a tattoo store

A pig walked into a tattoo store.

Tattooist: How can I help you?

Pig: I want to have a tattoo on my body that makes me look wealthy.

Tattooist: Sure.

The tattooist drawn a rectangular hole on the pig's back.

The Amish man and the Toll Booth (as told by Myron Cohen)

An Amish man is driving his horse-drawn cart when he gets to a toll road. The toll keeper says "That will be $10 please."


The Amish man says, "I thought that was only for motor vehicles."


"No," says the toll keeper. "All vehicles, no exceptions."


So the Amish...

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There was a party.

Everyone had to come dressed as an emotion. There was the one dude in red covered in blood, and he was anger. There was another dressed in blue with tear drops drawn on his face, and he was sadness. Then there was a dude who was but naked with a pear tied to the end of his dick. Everyone said, " Wha...

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Which one?

A man’s wife had some lab work done by their doctor but couldn’t get in to pick up the results so she asked her husband to stop at the clinic for her.

He goes in and tells the receptionist that he’s Mr. Smith and he’s here to pick up his wife’s lab results.

The receptioni...

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A dude sits in a pub, watching this guy guarding a stretch of floor.

Every so often somebody tries to cross it when he socks them in the face and sends them staggering backwards. The stretch he's guarding is so long that he has to leap backwards and forwards along it, building up a sweat.

Perplexed, the dude watches while this happens six times, and in the end...

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A Scientist, Mathematician, and an Idiot are in a car. Crashing into a tree, all three die. They are sent to purgatory, where the Devil is waiting.

(Of course, the idiot was driving)

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist ...

What did my wondering eyes behold.

After a brutal late Autumn wind storm I noticed that my young Elm tree had finally lost all of its leaves in preparation for the cold snowy winter ahead. I smiled to my self realizing how nature helps all creatures prepare for the coming seasonal changes. But then my gaze was drawn to a red shotgu...

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There is a new teacher in a school, and she is sent to the worst class with the laziest and the most spoiled kids.

The new teacher starts introducing herself to the first-graders, asking some questions to them, hoping to get them to like her.

She decided to start the lesson in a fun way to get the children's attention. So she starts drawing some pictures on the whiteboard and asks the children what has s...

I sure hope Elon musk’s $50,000 house isn’t part of another cover-up scandal

Elongate would be very drawn out.

A man and his wife die in a car accident

The man is greeted by Death. "Choose your game", says Death, "win and you will get a second chance at life, lose and you will die".

As an avid poker player, its an easy choice for the man.

As they begin, the man loses the first few hands.

As the next hand is drawn, the man is st...

The Amish Man at the Tollbooth

An Amish man was going along in his horse-drawn buggy when he arrived at a tollbooth. The tollbooth operator said it would be $5 to proceed. The Amish man said he thought that only applied to cars, and the operator explained that in fact, it applied to all vehicles.


So the man turned ...

Came to work today with

drawn mustache...women with drawn brows called me an idiot.

The last Airbender was so bad that

Aang had a permanent downvote drawn on his head.

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The cowboy's wife

A cowboy walked into the local honky tonk late one Saturday evening with his pistol drawn. "Alright nobody move! This here 6 shooters loaded and I'm here to shoot the low down varmint that's been sleeping with my wife!"
The crowd froze and nobody dared to speak for a full minute. Finally some dru...

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