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A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, ...

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.

The officer wants to ask her a few questions...

Officer: "What's 2+2?

Blonde: Ummmmm. 4.

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummmm. 10.

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummmm. I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home ...

A man walks into a department store

He says to sales lady "I would like to buy a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."
With a quizzical look the sales lady asked "what kind of bra?"

He repeated a "Baptist bra, she said to tell you she wanted a Baptist bra, and you would know what she wanted."

"Ah now I remember" sai...

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A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store...

..and asks, “W-w-w-what’s y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” Again, the clerk doesnt answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-whats y-y-your L-...

I love my microbiology department!

The staph is great!

Not to mention the culture is highly infectious!

I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job at the highway department

But when I got home...

All the signs were there.

Why did the police department raid Santa's workshop?

They had probable Clause

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

...

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

Why was Alan Turing fired from the department store?

He was unable to compute whether or not any given top was a halter top.

My wife said we could each have 3 hall passes. She picked Henry Cavil, Jason Momoa, and Matt Damon; but then she got mad at me for my picks...

Apparently her sister, our kids kindergarten teacher and and Kelsey in the marketing department were the wrong answers.

TIL The Kremlin IT department exclusively uses Linux.

Turns out everyone in the Kremlin has problems with Windows.

A guy applies for a job with the Chicago Police Department

He has an impressive resume, gives the best answers to the interview questions, and is very enthusiastic about the job.

"Your qualifications are impressive" says the police chief. "Here's the final test. Take this gun, go out, and shoot ten black guys and a clown?"

The man asks, "why ...

What’s the worst about working for the department of unemployment?

If you get fired you still have to show up the next day

LG's new Bluetooth department is very progressive

Everyone there is LGBT

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

Whenever I get a stack of resumes on my desk at work, I always pick half at random and throw them out

Don’t need unlucky people working in my department.

A junkie broke into the local linguistics department

They were looking for morpheme

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Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer.

The man in charge told the farmer, 'We need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.'
The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.'
The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card andsaid, 'I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anyw...

A man buys a paint factory in a small town.

He visits the local volunteer fire department to see for himself if they'd be able to handle a fire at his plant. What he finds convinces him they could not...the whole fire department consists of one old pumper truck and a bunch of volunteers he finds less than reliable. He tells them "Boys, I'm so...

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A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job...

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says
"Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but...

Did you hear about all the toilets being stolen inside the Miami Dade police department?

The cops have nothing to go on.

As part of his infrastructure plan, President Biden will be creating a new department to work with the Department of Defense

It will be called the Department of Degate

Did you hear the department of transportation is laying off thousands of workers?

They invented a shovel that stands up by itself.

A blind man walks into a department store..

And after hesitantly taking a moment to listen to the sounds of his surroundings, he proceeds to the middle of the store, picks up his guide dog and starts swinging it around by its’ leash in wide looping circles above his head.

Seeing this unfold, a store clerk quickly runs over before inte...

I've called my dog Cadbury Research Department

He's a chocolate lab



An Englishman began procedures at the Immigration Department to move to Australia

Immigration: "Do you have a criminal record?"

British guy: "Is that still necessary?"

“Nothing looks good on me anymore,” complained a customer modeling an outfit in front of the department store’s mirror…

“Nonsense, ma’am,” said the salesclerk trying to reassure her.

“That dress says it all.”

“That’s the problem,” the woman replied.

“I need a dress that keeps its mouth shut.”

At work I noticed the computer department have started putting Christmas decorations up

IT's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Which department do you call when ants go missing?

Dept. of Finance


I'll see myself out now....

Just saw that our local Police Department got 2 huge new trucks with "Criminal Gang Unit" labeled on the sides.

Finally, some self awareness.

New California Department

To save money California is combining the Dept of Fish and Wildlife and the Highway Patrol. The new department is called the Department of Fish and Chips.

:)

Saw a guy in the power tool department at Home Depot who looked a lot like Elvis.

Returned a sander.

A man walked into a ladies department

A man walked in to a ladies department walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" Inquires the man, "There is more than one type?"

"Look around", said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of...

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The Norwegian Fire Department

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical comp...

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A girl walks into a department store

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and a...

Car accident department at heaven...

An Englishman, American and a Russian are sitting waiting for their turn to get to heaven. Boring long wait so the Brit asked the American: "So why are you here". Brit: "Damn truck, head on collision in my Rolls Royce, what about you?" American: "Aaah, was driving drunk and couldn't handle my Ford M...

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Ralph, the department store parrot

During its hayday, Goldfinches was a glorious department store, with gorgeous decorations, including a Aviary centerpiece, where Ralph held court. You see, Ralph had a special ability to detect what people wanted by their appearance, and he would tell them where to look for the thing they needed....

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's...

Graffiti on the wall of the physics department

Heisenberg might have been here

Urology department,

Can you please hold?

HR Department

"I proposed to my girl friend last night, who just got promoted to a HR position earlier in the day."


"That is cool! What did she say?"


She said, "We will get back to you soon."

I hired a bee to run my IT security department

He makes really good honeypots

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

First night and the instructor says "Right guys. First night out in the woods! Your first test is to go catch your dinner. I want each team to go out and catch a...

A guy goes to a department store and sees a display of thermoses...

"What is this thing?" he asks the sales rep. "Why that's a thermos, it keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold." "Oh neat!" the guy says, "I'll take one!" The next day he goes to work with his new thermos under his arm. His boss sees him and says "Hey what is that you got there?" The guys says, "It'...

Somebody robbed the police department yesterday and stole all the toilets

Sadly, the detectives have nothing to go on

The company sent my department on a work trip

The last night before heading back home, we decided to play a prank to one of our colleges - we put a pack of condoms in his suitcase. When he got home, his wife started unpacking his stuff, and found our "gift". Without skipping a beat, he explained: "We were all given pack of condoms when we arriv...

A blonde calls the fire department

"My house is on fire, my house is on fire!!"

Fire Chef: " Well how do we get there?"

Blonde: " Duh... big red truck..."

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The Department of Defense wanted to improve their survival training...

The select a sergeant from the Army, Marine Corp, and Air Force for interview, in order to see what they already know.

The interviewer asked the three sergeants, "OK. What would you do if you were away on deployment, you're about to go to sleep, when you find a large scorpion in your tent."...

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No Sex Tonight!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

What did the Mexican fire department name their hose?

Hose A and Hose B.

On my Tinder profile it says I'm a professional boxer....

Sounds better than saying I work in the packaging department at an Amazon warehouse

The IT department only had 403 COVID19 cases

Case 404 was never found.

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There was a man named Ray Berkowitz who, unfortunately for him, was not blessed in the looks department.

For a long time, he thought he would never meet a woman. But one day he met a nice woman who was also far from pretty and they ended up getting married... and she got pregnant.

They decided that if it was a boy, they were going to name him Charles.

One day while Ray was out of town for...

The Department is Education is canceling $150 million in student loans.

Those are a lucky 4 people.

Dean, to the physics department:

"Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and pa...

A young woman approached a salesman in a department store and said, "I need some batteries for my vibrator."

The salesman motioned with his finger and said, "Come this way."

"If I could come that way," she snapped, "I wouldn't need the damn vibrator."

A police department hired me to repair their roof

I was above the law.

How do you phone the maternity department at Newcastle hospital?

Dial 8

- Homicide Department how can I help?

+ My mother-in-law please
- ... this is not how it works
+ Damn, ok nvm.

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John goes to the Postal Ministry for an interview for a job in the Postal Department.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" 
He replies, "Yes - coffee." 
"Have you ever been in the military service? 
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years." 
The interviewer says,"That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." 
Then he asks,"Are you dis...

Paddy and Mary are having some issues in the bedroom department

Paddy and Mary are having some issues in the bedroom department so they go visit the doctor to see if he can help them out.  Mary tells the doctor that no matter what, she can never reach her special place when they make love.

The doctor examines them both and says “I can’t find anything obvi...

The coronavirus must be a nightmare for IT departments.

All TCP applications have to be converted to UDP to avoid handshakes.

Which Pokemon was appointed to head the department of agriculture?

Chard czar

The IT department at my work is full of clowns.

Bloody dancing clowns.

I sued a department store for selling me a broken coffee grinder.

I lost the case; the courts told me I had no grounds.

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I'm no drug addict but they still took me to the substance abuse department

All I said to my friend doctor was
"I'm a dick, Ted"

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I asked my friend if liked his job as a civil engineer in the sanitation department.

He said it was very rewarding to know crap is being taken care of.

In the Human Resources Department

The Manager has a big pile of applications on his desk.

He picks up the first 20 of them and throws them into the bin, saying
"Those guys have bad luck and we have no use for people with bad luck"

What do you call the IT-department of Samsung?

The Guardians of the Galaxy!

The head of the Physics department needs money...

... so he goes to the University's Bursar to ask for a grant, 10 million to start work on a particle accelerator.

The bursar puts his head in his hands in exasperation.

"Every time I see you, you're after more money for the physics department! Ten million here, six million there... you...

A blonde was shopping at her local department store.

She came across a thermos and was fascinated by it.She decided to buy it.When she took it up to the cashier she inquired what it was used for.
"Well it's used to keep hot things hot and cold things cold."She brought it to work the next day.The boss walks past her desk and asks"What's that?"
"I...

Did you hear about the director of the Department of Motor Vehicle who resigned on Tuesday?

He tried to resign on Monday, but found he'd been standing in the wrong line.

A woman gets called into her office HR department

They tell her that they noticed her password for her login was very unusual and asked her how she chose "DocGrumpyHappySleepyBashfulSneezyDopeySacarmento"

She said - "well the instructions were to have a password with seven characters and have at least one capitol, so I thought I was just fo...

The Department of Unfinished Statistics concluded...

... that 7 out of 10.

I never wanted to believe the rumors about my company’s tech department being abusive until I had to have them come fix an issue with my office computer.

And then IT hit me.

My police department made all their homicide detectives enter a two-week quarantine.

>!They had coroner-virus.

A blind man walks in to a department store

A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash.

As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, but he notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again.

Out of the corner of his eye the manager see...

They warned me that my dad that workes for the highways department was a kleptomaniac.

I refused to believe it but when we went to his office, All the signs were there.

Why’d the police department hire a mathematician?

They needed someone to count in fractions

A blonde was shopping at a department store when the power went out.

For 3 hours she was trapped on the escalator.

A department store opened in downtown area that sold men and a woman decides to visit it in search of a husband.

At the store’s entrance, there’s a sign outlining the department store policy.

* The first rule states that you can only enter the store once.
* There are six floors and on each floor you can choose a husband or elect to move on to the next floor.
* You cannot visit a floor more than on...

There's a new study out from the Department of Education...

It shows that two thirds of Americans don't understand fractions and the other half don't care.

Our complaint department manager is Helen Waite.

So if you have a complaint go to Helen Waite.

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