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Department Jokes

A man walks into a department store

He says to sales lady "I would like to buy a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."
With a quizzical look the sales lady asked "what kind of bra?"

He repeated a "Baptist bra, she said to tell you she wanted a Baptist bra, and you would know what she wanted."

"Ah now I remember" sai...

I didn't want to believe my brother was stealing from his job at the city's Road Service department

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

TIL The Kremlin IT department exclusively uses Linux.

Turns out everyone in the Kremlin has problems with Windows.

Maegan Hall was sad that she needs to find a new job as she was fired from the police department

I suggested her to try being a truck driver as they pay by the load!!

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter walks up to a counter in a department store.

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter walks up to a counter in a department store and asks,

"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p...

LG's new Bluetooth department is very progressive

Everyone there is LGBT

A junkie broke into the local linguistics department

They were looking for morpheme

Banned from the grocery store

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the follow...

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Salesman of The Year Award.

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. ...

Did you hear about all the toilets being stolen inside the Miami Dade police department?

The cops have nothing to go on.

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

First night and the instructor says "Right guys. First night out in the woods! Your first test is to go catch your dinner. I want each team to go out and catch a...

Just saw that our local Police Department got 2 huge new trucks with "Criminal Gang Unit" labeled on the sides.

Finally, some self awareness.

Saw a guy in the power tool department at Home Depot who looked a lot like Elvis.

Returned a sander.

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

I never wanted to believe the rumors about my company’s tech department being abusive until I had to have them come fix an issue with my office computer.

And then IT hit me.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sale...

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A woman is having sex with a rather large man in the back of a car, when suddenly the man has a heart attack.

The woman tried to get the man off of her, but he's too heavy. Luckily, the woman is able to call 911 with her cell phone.

When the emergency services come, they find that they can only get the man out of thee car by sawing off the roof. After the fire department removes the roof from the car...

a blonde calls 911 and says "help, help, my house is on fire" ...operater says "stay calm ma'am, we'll send the fire department. how do we get to your house?"

Blonde: "duh...big red truck"

Accordion to a scientific study released by the Department of Psychology at the University of British Columbia,

most people will not immediately notice if one of the words in a sentence has been replaced with a musical instrument until they've read more than three quarters of the way through it.

A man collapses on the street and wakes up to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun holding a clipboard came into his room and said she was from the billing department and asked how he was going to pay the bill.

The man said, "I don't have health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He shook his head and replied, "I don't....

Darts.

A Scottish couple took in a young women as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathtub inside, although if she wanted to, she could use the outside tub.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," s...

A man buys a paint factory in a small town.

He visits the local volunteer fire department to see for himself if they'd be able to handle a fire at his plant. What he finds convinces him they could not...the whole fire department consists of one old pumper truck and a bunch of volunteers he finds less than reliable. He tells them "Boys, I'm so...

I have a civil service joke to tell

…but before you can hear it you need to complete Form P-994731XT, in triplicate, then have it notarized, then file it with the Department of Jokes, who will review it within 120 days, and if it is approved they’ll issue you a Form 771F, which, when filed with the IRS authorizes you to receive an app...

Job Fair I

I got a job at a company that makes fire hydrants, but I had to give it up. There was no place to park.

Then I went to work for a company at prints calendars. But I knew from the start that my days were numbered.

So I went to work for a moving company. They told me to vacate the premis...

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A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one like" The manager groaned an...

An Englishman began procedures at the Immigration Department to move to Australia

Immigration: "Do you have a criminal record?"

British guy: "Is that still necessary?"

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Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer.

The man in charge told the farmer, 'We need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.'
The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.'
The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card andsaid, 'I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anyw...

On a new year's Eve, in the court...

The judge says: Why are you here?

The person in the accused seat: I got some Christmas gift from the department store across the street.

The Judge looked at the prosecutor, puzzled: That's something good, what's happening here?

Prosecutor: He got the gifts 2 hours before...

How the Angel Came to be on Top of the Christmas Tree

There had been no snow during the entire month of November, and there
didn't appear to be coming any snow any time soon, either. The elves in
the bicycle department had been on strike since October, and there was the
possibility that the elves in the doll department might join them.
...

50 Jokes for 50 US States Part V

# California

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) and the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) want to see who is the best at catching perps. So, a rabbit is released into the forest, and each of them has to catch it.

In goes CIA. They place...

The Iowa Wage and Hour Department claimed a man owning a small farm was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there are my hired hands. One has been with me for four years; the other for three. I pay them each $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus ...

We looked at a WeHo townhouse that we liked very much but sadly this place was next door to the large West Hollywood fire department station.

So I guess you could say it was in WEhoWEhoWehooooo.

A blind man walks into a department store..

And after hesitantly taking a moment to listen to the sounds of his surroundings, he proceeds to the middle of the store, picks up his guide dog and starts swinging it around by its’ leash in wide looping circles above his head.

Seeing this unfold, a store clerk quickly runs over before inte...

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's...

A young woman approached a salesman in a department store and said, "I need some batteries for my vibrator."

The salesman motioned with his finger and said, "Come this way."

"If I could come that way," she snapped, "I wouldn't need the damn vibrator."

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There was a man named Ray Berkowitz who, unfortunately for him, was not blessed in the looks department.

For a long time, he thought he would never meet a woman. But one day he met a nice woman who was also far from pretty and they ended up getting married... and she got pregnant.

They decided that if it was a boy, they were going to name him Charles.

One day while Ray was out of town for...

One day at Macy's...

The store manager was giving final instruction to the new sales clerk before sending him out onto the floor for the first time.

Said the manager to the clerk, “The most important thing to remember is that we NEVER tell a customer that we don’t have it. Times are tough, and we can’t afford to ...

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woman's new perfume

A woman stepped into an elevator at Macy’s Department store after having just purchased a new perfume called Essence of Snowy Pines.



All of a sudden as she stood in the elevator; she had an unstoppable urge to fart.



Since she was alone on the elevator, she let rip a lon...

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The chicken farmer

A chicken farmer is visited by an official looking person one day. The farmer has no clue who the visitor is. The visitor asks "What do you feed your chicken?"

The honest and innocent farmer says "they just pick worms in the fields and eat whatever seeds and grains and crap they can get hold ...

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Ladies night

Two ladies, neighbors, go out for drinks one night. The cocktails taste great and when it’s time to go home they decide to walk as they both had too much to drink. At some point during the walk they both have to pee really urgently. There isn’t a bathroom nearby, but a little later they pass by a ce...

I've called my dog Cadbury Research Department

He's a chocolate lab



As part of his infrastructure plan, President Biden will be creating a new department to work with the Department of Defense

It will be called the Department of Degate

A young man was shopping in a department store. He sees an extremely attractive salesgirl and says, "I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife, but I don't know her size." "Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours." "Will there be anything else?" the sales girl queried as she wrapped the gloves. "Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."

I got fired from the unemployment department.

They're still paying me though.

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.

The captain says they can't just turn her away, and orders to desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview.
Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, "What's 2+2?"

"Ummm... 4!" the blonde says.

*Dang,* the officer thinks...

The CIA, F.B.I and a local police department take part in a contest and are tasked with finding a rabbit released in the nearby woods

The police department deploys search squads and dogs, and after 4 hours comes back with the rabbit.

The FBI deploys helicopters and drones and finds the rabbit in 2 hours.

The CIA comes back after 30 minutes with a badly beaten bear who cries out “I am the rabbit! And I surrender”

Why did the snowman get kick out the produce Department

Because he was picking his nose

A guy goes to a department store and sees a display of thermoses...

"What is this thing?" he asks the sales rep. "Why that's a thermos, it keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold." "Oh neat!" the guy says, "I'll take one!" The next day he goes to work with his new thermos under his arm. His boss sees him and says "Hey what is that you got there?" The guys says, "It'...

Which department do you call when ants go missing?

Dept. of Finance


I'll see myself out now....

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

...

All the urinals have been stolen from the local police department

The police say they have nothing to go on.

(Source: Mother Goose & Grimm comic strip)

A guy applies for a job with the Chicago Police Department

He has an impressive resume, gives the best answers to the interview questions, and is very enthusiastic about the job.

"Your qualifications are impressive" says the police chief. "Here's the final test. Take this gun, go out, and shoot ten black guys and a clown?"

The man asks, "why ...

Somebody robbed the police department yesterday and stole all the toilets

Sadly, the detectives have nothing to go on

I hired a bee to run my IT security department

He makes really good honeypots

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is...

advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in ...

Sarah watches as her mother tries on an expensive fur coat

in a high-end department store. “Do you realize,” Sarah says, “that some poor, dumb animal had to suffer just for you to wear that coat?” Sarah’s mother turns to her and snaps, “Think about how much I’ve suffered! And don’t call your father an animal.”

Did you hear about the director of the Department of Motor Vehicle who resigned on Tuesday?

He tried to resign on Monday, but found he'd been standing in the wrong line.

Did you hear the department of transportation is laying off thousands of workers?

They invented a shovel that stands up by itself.

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John goes to the Postal Ministry for an interview for a job in the Postal Department.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" 
He replies, "Yes - coffee." 
"Have you ever been in the military service? 
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years." 
The interviewer says,"That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." 
Then he asks,"Are you dis...

What’s the worst about working for the department of unemployment?

If you get fired you still have to show up the next day

The Kansas Department of Transportation (KDOT) found over 450 dead crows on I-35 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird'...

A department store opened in downtown area that sold men and a woman decides to visit it in search of a husband.

At the store’s entrance, there’s a sign outlining the department store policy.

* The first rule states that you can only enter the store once.
* There are six floors and on each floor you can choose a husband or elect to move on to the next floor.
* You cannot visit a floor more than on...

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NSFW: My wife and I have been working from home since April, and I finally called her HR Department with a complaint.

There has been far less sexual harassment in our workplace than I was hoping for.

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A girl walks into a department store

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and a...

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I'm no drug addict but they still took me to the substance abuse department

All I said to my friend doctor was
"I'm a dick, Ted"

So this French dude was working in a department store in France and a Karen comes up and starts laying it on him, asking for his manager.

Manager shows up, old stoner dude that's not having it. Karen starts whining and says "But you have to do what I say! The customer is king!" The manager looks at her in the eyes and says, "Ma'am, this is France. We decapitate kings."

Graffiti on the wall of the physics department

Heisenberg might have been here

What did the Mexican fire department name their hose?

Hose A and Hose B.

An Australian Aboriginal is doing a bit of fishing, when he notices a massive mud crab out of season…

As quick as can be, he grabs the muddie and throws it in the trunk/boot of his car. At that moment, a department of fisheries ranger observes Paddy the aboriginal, putting the mudcrab into the boot of his car.

"Oi. You can't do that! I saw what you have there. You've got a mudcrab in the boot...

At work I noticed the computer department have started putting Christmas decorations up

IT's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

I make my entire department get the bus to work. It's way more environmentally friendly than those huge gas guzzlers we drive.

Makes it hard to get to the fires on time though.

They warned me that my dad that workes for the highways department was a kleptomaniac.

I refused to believe it but when we went to his office, All the signs were there.

I sued a department store for selling me a broken coffee grinder.

I lost the case; the courts told me I had no grounds.

The easiest way to get an unpaid internship with Tesla's QA department is...

...to order a Tesla vehicle.

Paddy and Mary are having some issues in the bedroom department

Paddy and Mary are having some issues in the bedroom department so they go visit the doctor to see if he can help them out.  Mary tells the doctor that no matter what, she can never reach her special place when they make love.

The doctor examines them both and says “I can’t find anything obvi...

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The Department of Defense wanted to improve their survival training...

The select a sergeant from the Army, Marine Corp, and Air Force for interview, in order to see what they already know.

The interviewer asked the three sergeants, "OK. What would you do if you were away on deployment, you're about to go to sleep, when you find a large scorpion in your tent."...

How do you phone the maternity department at Newcastle hospital?

Dial 8

The Department is Education is canceling $150 million in student loans.

Those are a lucky 4 people.

The company sent my department on a work trip

The last night before heading back home, we decided to play a prank to one of our colleges - we put a pack of condoms in his suitcase. When he got home, his wife started unpacking his stuff, and found our "gift". Without skipping a beat, he explained: "We were all given pack of condoms when we arriv...

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A woman has just lost a bunch of weight through diet pills and is at the department store buying new clothes.

A woman has just lost a bunch of weight through diet pills and is at the department store buying new clothes. As she's trying on clothes, she proudly announces to the person at the fitting room "I'm buying new dresses because I just lost a bunch of weight, guess how much I weigh now!" The employee ...

The IT department only had 403 COVID19 cases

Case 404 was never found.

The phone rang in the Obituary Department of the Miami newspaper.

"How much does it cost to have an obituary printed;" asked a woman.
"It's five dollars a word, ma'am," replied the clerk politely.
"Fine," said the woman after a brief pause "Got a pencil?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Got some paper?"
"Yes, ma'am" Okay, write this down: 'Cohen dead'.
T...

The boss called one of his employees into the office.

“Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. ...

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The fastest black people in my city and the local police department decided to compete against each other in a race

The cops beat them.

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Ralph, the department store parrot

During its hayday, Goldfinches was a glorious department store, with gorgeous decorations, including a Aviary centerpiece, where Ralph held court. You see, Ralph had a special ability to detect what people wanted by their appearance, and he would tell them where to look for the thing they needed....

The chemistry department cafeteria has good food, but finding a place to sit can be a challenge.

They only have periodic tables.

A man walked into a ladies department

A man walked in to a ladies department walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" Inquires the man, "There is more than one type?"

"Look around", said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of...

A police department hired me to repair their roof

I was above the law.

Mike is on a job tour to Mexico. Once landed, he go through the immigration department.

“ Hello Mike”
“ Hello Ja-vier”
“ It’s Ha-vier. Mexican pronounce J as H. So how long will you be staying in Mexico “
“ Oh I see, I’ll be staying from Ha-nuary till H-une “

My police department made all their homicide detectives enter a two-week quarantine.

>!They had coroner-virus.

What is the Department of Veterans Affairs in China called?

VAChina.

New California Department

To save money California is combining the Dept of Fish and Wildlife and the Highway Patrol. The new department is called the Department of Fish and Chips.

:)

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