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A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store...

..and asks, “W-w-w-what’s y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” Again, the clerk doesnt answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-whats y-y-your L-...

The easiest way to get an unpaid internship with Tesla's QA department is...

...to order a Tesla vehicle.

A guy goes to a department store and sees a display of thermoses...

"What is this thing?" he asks the sales rep. "Why that's a thermos, it keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold." "Oh neat!" the guy says, "I'll take one!" The next day he goes to work with his new thermos under his arm. His boss sees him and says "Hey what is that you got there?" The guys says, "It'...

What did the Mexican fire department name their hose?

Hose A and Hose B.

A Spanish man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines." said the man. "I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here." said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines." said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week." declared the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines." repeated the man.

"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack." offere...

The Kansas Department of Transportation (KDOT) found over 450 dead crows on I-35 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird'...

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A woman has just lost a bunch of weight through diet pills and is at the department store buying new clothes.

A woman has just lost a bunch of weight through diet pills and is at the department store buying new clothes. As she's trying on clothes, she proudly announces to the person at the fitting room "I'm buying new dresses because I just lost a bunch of weight, guess how much I weigh now!" The employee ...

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A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia ." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and
figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you d...

Did you hear about the director of the Department of Motor Vehicle who resigned on Tuesday?

He tried to resign on Monday, but found he'd been standing in the wrong line.

I hired a bee to run my IT security department

He makes really good honeypots

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I'm no drug addict but they still took me to the substance abuse department

All I said to my friend doctor was
"I'm a dick, Ted"

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The fastest black people in my city and the local police department decided to compete against each other in a race

The cops beat them.

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Ralph, the department store parrot

During its hayday, Goldfinches was a glorious department store, with gorgeous decorations, including a Aviary centerpiece, where Ralph held court. You see, Ralph had a special ability to detect what people wanted by their appearance, and he would tell them where to look for the thing they needed....

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

Which department do you call when ants go missing?

Dept. of Finance


I'll see myself out now....

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's...

Me: "What do I need to do to start a school?"

Person A: Well, for the Physics Department, you'd need to set up the lab equipments, instruments, apparatus and so on...

Person B: For the Chemistry Department, you'd need them chemical compounds, test tubes, all that stuff.

Person C: Oh, imagine setting up the Biology Department! Skel...

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A girl walks into a department store

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and a...

A police department hired me to repair their roof

I was above the law.

Which Pokemon was appointed to head the department of agriculture?

Chard czar

The IT department only had 403 COVID19 cases

Case 404 was never found.

My police department made all their homicide detectives enter a two-week quarantine.

>!They had coroner-virus.

The Marines are a department of the Navy

The men's department.

Where did Sauron go to take his driver's test?

The Department of Mordor Vehicles

The coronavirus must be a nightmare for IT departments.

All TCP applications have to be converted to UDP to avoid handshakes.

A blind fella is in a department store walking up and down the aisles with a white cane in one hand while swinging a service dog on a leash above his head with the other hand. A store employee asks if he needs assistance.

The blind fella replies, “No thanks, just looking.”

New California Department

To save money California is combining the Dept of Fish and Wildlife and the Highway Patrol. The new department is called the Department of Fish and Chips.

:)

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Man looses his wife

I was in a department store the other day and I walked up to a young and lovely woman and said, "I've lost my wife in here somewhere. Can you talk to me a couple of minutes?"

The woman looks puzzled. "Why talk to me?", she asks.

Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like your...

I once tried to get a job as a telephone operator...

...I sort of phoned in the interview though and the HR department didn’t think it was my true calling so I’ve put those plans on hold for now.

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If police never did wrong, people would trust them

Nobody ever made a song called “Fuck The Fire Department” ....

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A Few Very Important Lessons You Will Learn Only After You Have Kids

A "King Style" water bed contains enough water to turn a 200 Sq m apartment into a 12 cm deep lake.

The voice of a 4 year old can deafen 200 normally talking adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you tie a dog leash to a room fan, the motor of the latter is not powerful enough to lift 23...

Paddy and Mary are having some issues in the bedroom department

Paddy and Mary are having some issues in the bedroom department so they go visit the doctor to see if he can help them out.  Mary tells the doctor that no matter what, she can never reach her special place when they make love.

The doctor examines them both and says “I can’t find anything obvi...

Elon Musk unveils pig with chip in its brain...

...it was from the Kenosha County Sheriff's Department.

How do you phone the maternity department at Newcastle hospital?

Dial 8

A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the followin...

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A politician ends up in hell.

So a politician ends up in hell.
The devil looks at him and say “mmm never had one of your types down here before. You’re the first one God sent down here. But based on your past record on earth, you definitely belong down here”

With in a matter of weeks the politician starts to weasel hi...

I make my entire department get the bus to work. It's way more environmentally friendly than those huge gas guzzlers we drive.

Makes it hard to get to the fires on time though.

Why did the ethics department correct the morality committee?

It was the right thing to do.

A blonde was shopping at a department store when the power went out.

For 3 hours she was trapped on the escalator.

My city decided to ban alcoholic drinks

Our health department started reporting 0 cases of corona

This joke was stolen from Ronald Reagan. And it’s good.

One day, an order went out to the police departments in the Soviet Union that anyone caught speeding, anyone, no matter who, gets a ticket. One day, the General Secretary was late leaving his country home to get to Moscow. He runs up to his limousine and tells the driver to get in the back, and that...

Interpol developed a test to figure out the best Law enforcement team in the world. Today's test involved the Scotland Yard, the FBI and Rio's Military Police.

The test consisted of releasing a bunny in the woods and giving it a 1 hour head start. The police department that found the bunny in the least amount of time would go on to the next phase.

First one to go was Scotland Yard. Using their best detectives, deductive skills and evidence analysis,...

The IT department at my work is full of clowns.

Bloody dancing clowns.

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John goes to the Postal Ministry for an interview for a job in the Postal Department.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" 
He replies, "Yes - coffee." 
"Have you ever been in the military service? 
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years." 
The interviewer says,"That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." 
Then he asks,"Are you dis...

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Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I w...

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unen...

New Supermarket

A new supermarket opened in Phoenix. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.


When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay. <...

The company sent my department on a work trip

The last night before heading back home, we decided to play a prank to one of our colleges - we put a pack of condoms in his suitcase. When he got home, his wife started unpacking his stuff, and found our "gift". Without skipping a beat, he explained: "We were all given pack of condoms when we arriv...

A department store opened in downtown area that sold men and a woman decides to visit it in search of a husband.

At the store’s entrance, there’s a sign outlining the department store policy.

* The first rule states that you can only enter the store once.
* There are six floors and on each floor you can choose a husband or elect to move on to the next floor.
* You cannot visit a floor more than on...

Working road construction a guy that broke down gave me this joke in exchange for using my phone

A guy is driving along in the desert when he sees someone with a bike waving him down. So he stops and the guy asks

“hey can I have a ride?”

“Sure but I don’t have room for your bike”

“Well I can’t just leave my bike here!”

“Ok well I’ll tell you what, here’s a rope tha...

A original joke.

Did you know that cardi B has a famous cousin who’s well known in the health department?

Her name is cardi O

I sued a department store for selling me a broken coffee grinder.

I lost the case; the courts told me I had no grounds.

They warned me that my dad that workes for the highways department was a kleptomaniac.

I refused to believe it but when we went to his office, All the signs were there.

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I went to see a doctor.

"I have a swollen testicle and it's causing problems in the bedroom," I said.

"Oh," he grinned, "struggling in the old sex department, are we?"

"No, I can't fit through the doorway."

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.

The captain says they can't just turn her away, and orders to desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview.
Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, "What's 2+2?"

"Ummm... 4!" the blonde says.

*Dang,* the officer thinks...

A blind man walks into a department store with his seeing-eye dog.

He walks to the middle of the store, bends down and firmly grasps the dog's collar, then yanks the dog into the air and starts whipping it around it in circles above his head.

A salesperson sees this happening and runs over to the blind man.

"Sir! Sir! Is there something I can help y...

A guy applies for a job with the Chicago Police Department

He has an impressive resume, gives the best answers to the interview questions, and is very enthusiastic about the job.

"Your qualifications are impressive" says the police chief. "Here's the final test. Take this gun, go out, and shoot ten black guys and a clown?"

The man asks, "why ...

What’s the worst about working for the department of unemployment?

If you get fired you still have to show up the next day

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Ladies night out...

So, two ladies ditch their husbands for a ladies night out on a Friday night and they go do whatever middle-aged women think is cool to do on a Friday night. One thing leads to another and these two ladies have drunk a little bit too much and decide to head home and sleep it off. So they're driving ...

A blind man walks into...

A blind man and his seeing eye dog enter the local department store.
As the store manager strolls by he thinks, "It wonderful to see this man navigate the store without a single misstep or bumping into anything."

Just as he was about to approach the man, the manager observes the blind man...

The Department is Education is canceling $150 million in student loans.

Those are a lucky 4 people.

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A guy walks into a brothel, there's nobody at the reception, but there's a sign

The sign is between two doors. It says:

If you have a lot of money to spend, go left.

If you don't have any money, go right.

Guy is kind of poor, so he chooses the door on the right. Another long hall, and at the end there are again 2 doors with a sign between them:

If yo...

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything i...

- Homicide Department how can I help?

+ My mother-in-law please
- ... this is not how it works
+ Damn, ok nvm.

SHOW ME YOUR CARD

A Department of Water representative stopped at a farm and talked with an
old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your
water allocation.' The old farmer said, 'OK , but don't go in that field
over there.

The Water representative said, 'Mister, I have the auth...

A blonde was shopping at her local department store.

She came across a thermos and was fascinated by it.She decided to buy it.When she took it up to the cashier she inquired what it was used for.
"Well it's used to keep hot things hot and cold things cold."She brought it to work the next day.The boss walks past her desk and asks"What's that?"
"I...

As soon as all the wheels are replaced, my local police department is getting rid of a bunch of old squad cars they aren't using.

They're being retired

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The Department of Defense wanted to improve their survival training...

The select a sergeant from the Army, Marine Corp, and Air Force for interview, in order to see what they already know.

The interviewer asked the three sergeants, "OK. What would you do if you were away on deployment, you're about to go to sleep, when you find a large scorpion in your tent."...

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

...

Did you hear the department of transportation is laying off thousands of workers?

They invented a shovel that stands up by itself.

When you have a 'I Hate My Job' day,try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer
section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand..

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove t...

If you're ever feeling useless just remember

Bikini Bottom has a fire department

The Joker kidnapped some Scandanavian actors. He called the Gotham Police Department and said,

"Ya wanna know where I got these Skarsgårds?"

The President of the U.S. receives a call from the Treasury Department.

-Madam President, we are upgrading the vaults where we keep the gold reserve. Three designs are finalists, but you need to select the one we will use.

-What are the options?

-The first one is a made of reinforced concrete surrounding a steel cage with a nickel content of 8%. The second...

Lysol's marketing department are trying out some new angles to generate sales. They claim that one bottle can clean an entire family of dolphins!

It's the best multi-porpoise cleaner on the market!

The Ladies Department

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of  the largest department store chains.

He shyly walked up to the woman behind the  counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?"  asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more tha...

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The Department of Justice has announced the approval of a merger between Reddit and a Hindu temple

This is anticipated to create $50 million of synergies in the karma industry.

My company recently hired Frankenstein’s monster to run our HR department. He’s surprisingly good at it.

Turns out he’s a real people person.

A blonde calls the fire department

"My house is on fire, my house is on fire!!"

Fire Chef: " Well how do we get there?"

Blonde: " Duh... big red truck..."

My girlfriend is the star of the local police department’s bomb squad.

When asked what is her secret to such skilled techniques, she responded:

“Plenty of practice every night with a short fuse and explosions that go off early.”

What do you call the IT-department of Samsung?

The Guardians of the Galaxy!

At an interview, I was surprised to see the hiring manager was a snek.

Nevertheless, I decided to roll with it, presenting myself as any other interviewee would. However, at the end, I couldn't help but ask:

"So, how did a snek end up working here?"

The snek smirked and replied "Ith really quith thimple. I goth my thart in the IT department and worked my ...

My friend was fired from his job at the road department for stealing.

I have to say I saw it coming. The last time I was at his house all the signs were there.

The US Justice Department were hellbent on taking IKEA to court a few years ago.

Unfortunately they had to walk away as they were having difficulties putting a case together.

The chemistry department cafeteria has good food, but finding a place to sit can be a challenge.

They only have periodic tables.

At work I noticed the computer department have started putting Christmas decorations up

IT's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

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