Investigation Jokes

Turns out they were ice skating before it was cool.

How do you tell a Scotsman's clan?

You put your hand up his kilt. If you find two quarter pounders - he's a Macdonald.

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a criminal president under constant federal investigation from day one.

Turns out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I'm stuck with a criminal president under federal investigation from day one.

This isn'... read more

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.



Sincerely,



The Internet Provider

I did and we do.

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ... read more

The phone rings at the FBI headquarters.
"Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, Sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Usin... read more

When some one is killed by violence in Australia

the detectives have it easy, they just wait and see who the boomerang

comes back to.

The police have been slowly getting tired of the monotonous investigation that, so far, has still produced no results. As quoted in their report:

“Same spit, different hay.”

\-what do you feed your chicken ?

\- soy beans, he answered

\-soy beans ?! are you aware that there's a global shortage in soy beans, we'll give you a $100k fine and prepare yourself for further investigations



few days later,... read more

The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations ... read more

In other words, it’s having a mantle breakdown

A guy was being investigated by the IRS. After dodging the agent for weeks, his family convinced him to go get a lawyer and go talk to the irs agent.

The guy goes to see the lawyer and they ride together to the IRS office to see what the problem is.

The IRS agent meets the guy and te... read more

It was a pillow case.

At a state dinner dozens of high ranking officials have died. After eating a mushroom cream soup generals started falling to the floor left and right.

The investigation is quick: the official cause is mushroom poisoning. Members of the press are invited to the scene of the tragedy.

"A... read more

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base ... read more

You don't get followed easily.

Someone pees "Brezhnev is stupid" into the snow on the Red Square.
The KGB immediately starts an investigation, the results are in the next day:
\- Comrade Brezhnev, be strong. Our doctors confirmed the urine belongs to comrade Gromiko.
Brezhnev defeatedly leans back in his chair. ... read more

insufficiently.

I guess their tip line was actually a “just the tip” line.

Google+: Finally, my time has come!

Frightened, he asked his accountant how to dress.


-"Use rags, they'll think you're a beggar," the accountant replied.

When he asked his lawyer, he told him the exact opposite:

-'Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and most elegant tie'


Confused, t... read more

A body lies severed across the tracks.

Inspector: "Do we have a motive?"

Officer: "Loco."

Because they're carefully Muelling it over.

A good start.

It took them a while to get the story straight.

since somehow people were getting a hold of their new ingots before they started selling them publicly. They investigated the entire foundry and found out that the man in charge of working the furnace was selling the ingots illegally, under the table. This only proves that he who smelt it, dealt it.... read more

Police say they have nothing to go on.

The US Postal Services releases a stamp with a picture of President Trump. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presen... read more

Thank you for your query. Your number is #204588. We have allotted a timeslot for you at 2-3pm on Tuesday the 28th of November, during which time you will be required to fill out and submit forms 32.B and 44.A from our catalogue. Once these forms have been processed by our team we will begin an inve... read more

If these emails bring Hillary down, it'll be the first time she's been screwed by a Weiner in years.

...by having to sit through a 5 second advert before interviewing each witness...

It was a hummus-ide.

These were senseless killings.

A "casual tea"